Leanne (2025) s02e04 Episode Script

[upbeat theme music playing]
[gentle music playing]
What you got going on over there?
-Tracking Daddy.
-Ooh, pervy dating site.
You really are moving on from Andrew.
No, I just turned on that
location-sharing thing on Daddy's phone,
so I always know where he is.
So you tagged him,
and you're tracking him
like he's a migrating whale?
Absolutely. It's called
being a loving daughter.
He's supposed to be at the doctor,
and he's been everywhere but.
Where's the old humpback now?
Oh, about to walk in. Don't say anything.
Let's see what his cover story is.
Hey, you don't track my phone, do you?
Of course not. That would be silly.
Why would you say that?
There he is.
How did your doctor's appointment go?
Fit as a fiddle.
His words, not mine.
Is that right?
Blood pressure good?
Low and slow.
Did he say anything
about your salt intake?
"Eat more of it."
Really? And what did he prescribe?
500 milligrams of Cool Ranch Doritos?
Was that sweet little lady that
takes your insurance working today?
She died. So sad. Oh, well.
I think I've earned myself a cold beer.
-[bottle cap pops]
-Here's to old what's-her-name.
I hope she didn't suffer.
Did your doctor diagnose you
as a big stinking liar?
How much does she know or not know?
Everything.
She's been tracking your phone.
That's a violation of my rights!
Take it up with City Hall,
where you also were instead of the doctor.
I like to make sure the mayor's in
by 9:00 a.m. and earning his money.
And then what were you doing
at the dump for an hour and a half?
Getting you a spare tire. You're welcome.
You know? From now on,
I'm going to chaperone you
to and from all your doctor's appointments
like a baby.
You happy?
Mommy asked you a question.
I'm going back to the dump.
You don't deserve an old tire.
You forgot your phone.
[Daddy John] I know.
Leanne ♪
[Leanne] Okay, doctor's appointments.
I worked a minor miracle
coordinating Mom and Dad's appointments,
so today has to go
with military precision.
I am now opening the floor to questions.
-Carol.
-Why am I here?
I can't do this alone.
It's like herding a bunch of drunken cats.
How'd I get stuck with Mama?
Because when I'm fighting Daddy,
she wanders off.
Well, it's not my fault
they have such a delightful gift shop.
That's where I found that little rock
with the word "hope" painted on it.
Well, there will be no hope today.
Hit your appointments, keep your schedule,
or you're letting the whole team down.
You see what happens when
you think you're in charge of your life?
Don't blame me. Blame cell phones.
We traded our freedom
for a flashlight you can't turn off.
Well, I like going to the medical center.
You meet the most interesting people,
and many of those caretakers
are from exotic lands.
For the last time, Mama,
you are not allowed to use
the word Oriental unless it's about a rug.
Well, I hope you're not going to use that
bossy tone around all the crippled people.
I would like to make a trade.
[lilting music playing]
[Mama Margaret] Well, good for you,
sending your money back to your people.
I bet the Yankee dollar
goes a country mile over there.
[Mama Margaret laughs]
[exhales] This is the longest
elevator ride of my life.
She hasn't even started
reading name tags yet.
There'll be none of that
on my watch, Margaret.
-[elevator bell dings]
-[door opens]
Here we go.
Now we're all sick.
Don't take it personally. He's mad at me
because he betrayed his family.
I appreciate you keeping us safe
from whatever burden the Lord put on you.
Do you think if I climbed up there,
I could cut the cables on this thing?
-[elevator bell dings]
-[door opens]
Come on, Daddy, this is us. Godspeed.
Oh, John, don't forget to tell the doctor
about the new pain in your butt.
What's that about?
You.
Just for that,
you're getting a colonoscopy.
Sounds like more fun than this.
[percussive music plays]
You keeping on top of all your meds?
Religiously.
I have to hide them in cheese, like a dog.
No changes in your memory or focus?
Sharp as a tack.
I found his keys in the freezer.
You still jogging three miles a day?
Rain or shine.
Do I even need to speak up?
No, you don't even need to be here.
Well, apparently, I do.
You haven't stopped lying since
you made me park in a handicapped spot
and get out and walk with a limp.
And then they made us move
because you wouldn't commit.
I'm not the problem, Daddy.
Her boyfriend hit the bricks.
Now she hates men.
I don't hate men.
His name was Andrew,
and he was so charming and so handsome,
but I felt like I need to focus on me
and my aging parents.
No one asked you to.
Well, if I don't,
you're not going to make it past spring.
Feel free to jump in, Doc.
I'd rather not. Um…
Why don't we take you
to get your blood drawn?
And, you know,
we can all just cool off a bit.
Fine.
And if you need urine, it's go time.
"Doesn't drink."
"…beer in the shower anymore."
I'm just going to take a little liberty
with some of these questions.
"Are you pregnant?" "No."
Thank the Lord.
-Your sister was 24 hours of labor.
-Mm.
Well, she's always enjoyed a big reveal.
But not my Carol.
You fell out of me like a bowling ball.
"Bowling ball."
-That'll make them think.
-[laughs]
All right, moving on.
"Family health history, mother, father."
"Both deceased."
"Cause of death"?
Well, my mama was plagued by drop foot.
Is that what killed her?
That and being 101.
But she and Daddy were both blessed
to die of natural causes.
Wait, you told me he was kicked by a mule.
Well, when you work a farm,
it's perfectly natural.
"Mental illness."
"Riddled with it."
[Mama Margaret laughs]
I'm grateful I got you today.
Leanne takes these things so seriously.
Mama, they're kind of serious.
Come what may, I'm at peace.
It's out of my hands.
Sure. Aside from diet and exercise,
you're powerless.
You know, I've had a wonderful life.
And I'm excited to see what's coming next.
Oh, Mama.
You're going straight to heaven.
First Ballot Hall of Famer.
And then someday
you and Leanne and Daddy will join me.
Even me, huh?
Well, they might stop you at the gates.
-They're gonna run a wand around you.
-[laughs]
-But you'll squeak by.
-[chuckles]
You think they have sin-sniffing dogs?
-It's heaven. They have everything.
-[chuckles]
Okay, now that
we've taken care of our eternal souls,
next up, "Are you sexually active?"
You are never too old for affection.
Okay, I'll put down a "yes"
and hope you're using protection.
Yeah. No.
"Has a new pain."
"Won't tell me where."
I did a little rewrite on Daddy's chart.
You might want to clear your Saturday.
[doctor snickers]
Every doctor knows that
he's only getting a fraction of the truth.
I think you and I are both well aware
your dad is not 6'2".
Oh, shoot, I missed that one.
Look, taking care of a parent
is not for the faint of heart.
Oh, it's been
a really rough couple of months.
He and my mother moved in with me,
and they're just not feeling independent
like they used to.
You're doing the right thing.
But don't underestimate
how hard it is on the caretaker.
Thank you. Especially when
the patients are so ungrateful.
Oh, I get it. I tried to talk my dad
into a chest scan,
and he said, "What do you know?"
And he paid for my medical school.
Well, they are the crankiest generation.
Being your dad's health-care proxy
means that you have some
hard conversations coming up.
This might help,
though I would recommend filling it out
when your dad is in a good mood.
Oh, so never.
"Five wishes."
You've met that man.
Do you think he deserves five wishes?
Hmm. It's an advanced
medical care directive.
It's just five questions to make sure
that you know that you and your father
are on the same page moving forward.
-This'll be a hoot.
-[door opens]
Don't tell me I'm old.
I almost took the bottom out of that cup.
Good luck.
[gentle music playing]
[Carol sighs]
Just a quick peek
at the tiny babies on the maternity ward.
[chuckles]
We're already 15 minutes behind.
Pretty please.
-Leanne's gonna kill us.
-Oh, fiddledeedee.
-I love the way a fresh baby smells.
-[chuckles]
But don't you have to be a relative?
That's the good thing about being my age.
People assume you're everyone's grandma,
and then you're sniffing away.
[laughs]
[elevator bell chimes]
Oh, dear. Should we take the stairs?
You are so optimistic.
Cutting in line just like
a hot day at Dollywood.
-Lucky ducks.
-[nurses chattering indistinctly]
Took that clown 14 jabs to find a vein.
My arm looks like a dang shower head.
Well, maybe your personality
made him a little nervous.
Your attitude's for the birds, mister.
You know, I'd like to see you
spend a whole day with you.
I'm just trying to keep you healthy.
Why are you being like this?
[exhales] I'm old.
Every trip to the doctor's
another spin of the bad news wheel.
Bad news you can do something about.
You know what?
If I'm dying, I wanna be the last to know.
Like when Bill cheated on you.
-[elevator bell chimes]
-[door opens]
-[Carol] Make way.
-Excuse us.
What in the world?
We'd love to chat,
but we're on a very tight schedule.
Daddy, death is not Bill fornicating
with another woman.
It's something you can prevent
if you take your ding-dang pills
and quit being such a butthole
when you need a checkup.
-[sighs]
-You embarrassed me in front of everybody.
That's the important thing.
Jogging. He told his doctor he jogs.
Man's never jogged a day in his life.
Hey, I jogged for my life
with an M16 and a rucksack on my back.
Thank you for your service, sir.
You're welcome.
See, that's how you treat a vet.
I'm not the bad person here.
[pensive music playing]
-What a fun day.
-[laughs]
And it was going to be a surprise.
But this unicorn is for you.
I'll cherish it.
Now, put it back in the bag.
We missed an appointment.
If Leanne finds out we skipped it
to hit the gift shop, we're dead meat.
Oh, no, that's them. Act miserable.
[upbeat music playing]
-Itsy baby had that big poop.
-I know. [laughs]
It was just sad.
She had to borrow some money.
-She had to call somebody.
-[laughs]
What's going on back there?
[both] Nothing.
I don't know what's so funny
about you missing Mama's last appointment.
I had to make an executive decision
between her butt and her eyes.
It was my Sophie's Choice.
You did the right thing.
We're going back for my eyes next week.
And we're going to go get
some Chinese chicken salads.
You hate Chinese chicken salad.
But I love chicken,
and I love salads, and I love this lady.
-And I love you, sweetie.
-[laughs]
Can you drive any faster?
Maybe you could just jog
the rest of the way home.
Maybe you could just get off my keister.
You two are in a season of friction.
Oh, don't worry. The doctor
will write a prescription he won't take
and blame me for it
and then act like I'm the devil
when I have to nag him about it.
[exhales]
Go back to giggling
whatever y'all were giggling about.
[cell phone chimes]
Oh, Carol, here's Daddy's results.
I'm putting you in charge
because everything I do is wrong.
How'd he do?
Oh… Oh!
Blood sugar, sodium,
cholesterol, all normal to excellent.
[cackling]
-Kiss my ass, Angel of Death.
-[Carol and Mama Margaret laugh]
Good job, sweetheart.
Don't good job him. He didn't do squat.
Just proves mean people live forever.
I'd give you the finger,
but your mother's in the car.
I'll allow it.
[lilting music playing]
Now, if you're serious about mahjong,
lesson number one awaits.
Tile me up, Mama!
When did Carol become her favorite?
I don't know, but I will undo it.
Okay, time for me
to test positive for beer.
Oh, but how can that be, Father?
You don't drink.
Well, you're never too old to start.
Okay, I'm going to ask you
these five questions.
You're going to answer them,
then I'm going to be done with you.
Mother Machree, it never ends.
All right.
The closest I ever got
to a homosexual experience was--
Daddy, be serious.
Fine. Fire away.
Okay.
"Who is the person you want to make
care decisions for you when you can't?"
Carol. She doesn't give
a rat's ass about anything.
Next.
"The kind of medical treatment
you want or don't want."
Okay, I want everything
that makes me high.
Nothing that hurts
or gives a medical student
the right to fuss with my junk.
Okay, I'll figure out how
to word that in a more Christian way.
Um, "What do you want
your loved ones to know?"
What's that mean?
I don't know.
I guess we jumped ahead to you dying.
I thought this was about
whether I wanted tubes stuck in me or not.
I thought so too.
Okay, well, Daddy.
"In the event that
you aren't capable of saying goodbye,
what do you want us to know?"
You know, I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey, what's going on over there?
This might be too much
on an already hard day.
It's just some silly questions.
They're not silly. They're sad.
Sweetheart, we're talking
about a day that's way down the road.
We don't know that.
Leanne, did we not just get
good news today?
We did.
So we know it's not happening today.
Okay.
You know, one thing you learn
when you get to be my age
is you don't let the fear
of what might be coming
rob you of the good moments.
Like now.
Now is terrible.
You sure about that?
Your mom and Carol seem
to have patched some things up, right?
Right.
And you want me to stick around
even after a day like this?
I do.
You know what I want
my loved ones to know?
Is that my three girls
gave me a great life.
And I am one lucky man.
I love you too, Daddy.
Well, if that were so,
you wouldn't buy Coors Light.
[Leanne chuckles]
[tender music playing]
Blue. Blue. Blue.
Round white ones.
Square white one.
Shh! Ugh!
Now I gotta start all over again.
Okay. Yellow.
Yellow. Yellow.
You know we got a good thing going here.
You wanna walk me through that one?
Not everybody our age
is lucky enough to have both parents alive
and driving them crazy.
-I know. I want them to live forever.
-Hmm.
Well, we could get Daddy
cryogenically frozen.
Thaw him out like a DiGiorno pizza.
-"It's not delivery. It's Daddy."
-[laughs]
But he's already told me
he wants a Viking funeral.
Ooh. Me too.
Is that even legal in Tennessee?
I'd settle for a big inner tube
floating down the river.
Uh-oh!
Leftover mystery pill.
You feeling lucky?
-I'll split it with you.
-[laughs] Deal.
We're either gonna have a great nap
or one magnificent bowel movement.
[Carol] Mm.
Hopefully not at the same time.
[whimsical music playing]
[closing theme music playing]
Leanne ♪
Leanne ♪