Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter (2015) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Neon Joe,
Werewolf He-yump"
Where you heading, cowboy?
Vance Dontay's mansion.
He's your ex-wife!
Werewolf heart.
- You're into Neon Joe.
- You saw this, right?
Finally the world
will see Yuri isn't crazy
and that moon is alive!
Do we call Daggart?
You already did.
NASA has just confirmed
that the moon is, in fact,
moving closer to Earth,
causing mild panic.
Meanwhile, the proximity
of the moon
has led to an increase
in sick waves
and has surfers all over
the world out in droves.
In other news, a mysterious
rash of Greggar Sonoir robberies
has law enforcement
on high alert.
Yeah, this chair nice.
I should have been
sitting in this one
when you told me
about your 'giney.
I wasn't sure at first,
'cause, you know,
I didn't want to make
the association
and the connection
between vagina and leather.
Remember that song in "Grease"?
The thing about things
going together,
"shama lama ding dong"
or whatever they say?
'Cause, you know,
vagina and leather
they shama lama ding
don't go together,
- in my mind, at least.
- You know, any time
you'd want to help,
that that'd be great.
I'm not the one who lost
the werewolf heart,
so you on your own, Jack.
That is a nice attitude
from somebody
who could never seem
to remember my birthday.
Oh, give me a break!
That happened once.
Didn't lose it.
It's here.
I just don't know where it is.
Yeah, that sound
like losing to me.
Seems to me like
someone stole it.
Colonel Nathaniel Daggart,
U.S. military.
We got a lot of
catching up to do.
Why don't you start off
by telling me
where I can find of pair
of them sweet-ass shades?
Military issue.
Not for sale.
Check them out, though.
Oh, yeah!
These are real nice.
Thanks for the sampling.
Keep them.
No, thanks. I'm good.
Don't want to owe
the U.S. military nothing.
The days of catching rays
may be gone forever
if the moon has anything
to say about it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up.
Let me just play audience
surrogate for a moment
and ask what you mean.
The moon is alive
and headed straight for Earth.
Have you ever heard
of the Celestial Seduction?
No, but sounds sexy.
My loins getting all hot
just thinking about it.
When the hearts of
40 werewolves come together,
they form
an all-powerful cube,
and that cube will send off
the most concentrated pheromones
known to man,
more powerful
than a thousand suns,
summoning the moon
towards Earth.
It will create
a race of powerful,
super-violent,
hyper-sexual werewolves.
Mankind will be wiped out.
Military radar picked up
a massive energy source
emanating from your old bar.
We believe it's the cube.
Yuri.
I get that 40 werewolf hearts
form this all-powerful cube,
but why are you
spraying it with cologne?
I'm preparing cube
for Celestial Seduction.
Celestial Seduction?
That's right.
Moon is alive like
I've been saying all along.
You see, Yuri is not
so crazy after all, eh?
I went to moon.
I love moon.
Moon love me.
We will finally be together,
and I will get
to have sex with moon!
Oh! Ha ha!
Whoo whoo!
I'm coming!
Oh!
Hey.
Do you to get out of here?
Go role play?
You can be Yuri,
and I'll be the moon.
Uh, why would you want to do
that without Neon Joe?
I don't know how he knew
you had a werewolf heart
or how he even
managed to steal it,
but I'll never put anything
past them sneaky Russkies.
The only thing that can
prevent this from happening
is the world's greatest
werewolf hunting force.
No problem, sir.
Plaid Jeff at your service.
I was talking about them.
Us?
We're not together anymore.
He's out of the business.
I'm the new hot shit,
number-1 werewolf hunter now.
When you two were in love
and at the peak of your werewolf
hunting abilities,
you were unstoppable.
And if this chicken shit
hadn't run away,
we'd be a step
closer to retirement
and living in Maui
like we'd planned.
I did not run away.
We had a deal
that we agreed upon
that I had to run away if it
It don't even matter.
I don't want to be
with you no how.
I don't buy that.
When I look at the two of you,
I see a couple that
still loves each other,
just forgot how to communicate.
What are you,
some kind of military-trained
couples counselor
sent here to rekindle
our relationship
so we can save mankind?
That's exactly what I am.
I studied with Dr. Phil
during the first Gulf War
and completed my work
on interpersonal relationship
dynamics
during the Arab Spring
in Operation
How to Be a Better Listener.
Right now, we have 12 hours
to cram in 12 years
of couples counseling.
We have the entire military
at our disposal
to make this work.
Wait.
Hold on a second.
What about me?
Me and Vance, we make
a pretty good team.
Don't we, babe?
We spent months together!
I even faked my death
to be with you,
and that's proof that
we're a solid couple.
Shh!
I love you, Jeff,
but there's no us
unless I fall madly back in love
with my soul mate.
You know that.
Just walk away, friend.
Just walk away.
Vance, talk to me, babe.
What
As a trained professional,
I must weigh in
and also say to you,
just walk away, friend.
Just walk away.
Fine.
I'll leave.
Yeah.
You know what?
I'll probably just defeat
that cube my damn self.
And we'll see who'll
end up with the girl.
And another thing
I'm not walking away.
I'm walking towards.
Look like you walking
away to me, friend.
I'm walking towards!
All right, now, look,
even if we was able
to somehow fall back in love,
which I'll tell you right now
is not gonna happen,
how we gonna defeat this cube?
Turgolock.
Who?
The crazy tides
have brought surfers
from all over the world,
all ready to aid
in the seduction
of our mother moon.
What are you watching?
The Will Smith movie
"Hitch."
Good American
seduction propaganda.
I must explore every avenue
and be ready
for moon's every whim.
Yeah.
Great!
Put it in the corner, please.
Aah!
You're working
with the werewolves?
Soon there will be a race
of super powerful werewolves.
I'd be fool not
to work with them.
Oh, that's smart, Yuri.
That's a good idea.
Mm-hmm.
Ashley, will you help me
get some more cologne?
Yep.
Neon Joe would
never approve of this.
I have got to do something.
Like what?
Your old rings.
Put them on.
It'll help establish
the mind-set
that you're a couple again.
Now this is
a compliment grenade.
You have 30 seconds
to compliment the other person.
Otherwise it'll explode.
Go!
Commencing compliment
grenade session.
The he-yump uh
I love your 'giney.
Seriously?
What? It was sincere.
I agree.
Not great, but it counts.
- Fine, uh
- 20 seconds.
You did a good job
of not really knowing
- what you're doing down there.
- Come on, you two.
I read that book,
"'Gineys for Dummies."
10 seconds.
Yeah, you got
the dummies part right.
Are you calling my dick dumb?
Joe, you need to learn
to be sensitive
- to the needs of your partner.
- 5, 4
Learn to drive her wild
with your thick,
veiny listening ability.
- 2, 1.
- Ah!
Thick and veiny yeah.
On your first date,
you saw Neil Diamond in concert
and later that night
watched "E.T."
Recreating that evening
might elicit
deep-rooted feelings
in sense memory. Go!
Go?
Engage Neil Diamond portion
of date night.
Neil was not available
so they got
a Neil Diamond impersonator ♪
I hope tonight helps
you fall in love ♪
So you can kill
all the werewolves ♪
Bye, bye, bye, bye
That was good,
- just not the guy.
- Commence viewing of "E.T."
Watch "E.T."
Oh, man, I hate "E.T."
Who hates "E.T."?
Me.
I just pretended to like it
so the night would go good,
which apparently worked
'cause I remember us making love
while E.T. phoned home.
Right? He trying
to phone home,
and I'm trying to, like,
you know, ram it home.
A relationship
built on a lie will crumble.
You need to shit truth
or get off the love pot.
Spooning is proven to trigger
deep-rooted emotional
connection. Go!
Power spoon engage.
Two become one.
Yeah, I like this.
Yeah, he-yump.
Two become one.
Two become one.
Two become one.
Oh! He-yump!
Research says if you look into
someone's eyes for 20 hours,
you'll fall in love with them.
Well, we don't have 20 hours,
but we do have this.
Go!
Concentrated eye contact.
This ain't working.
I'm sorry. Let's just do
what we always used to do
bang it out till we ain't mad
no more. Right?
Come one, get that "E.T."
couch back in here,
so we can bone home.
We're done.
Turn the plane around.
Come one, babe,
what's the problem?
I was hoping it wouldn't
come to this,
but you've left me no choice.
Battle wolves
with cyanide-tipped spikes.
Engage battle wolves.
How do you want to play this?
Only way we know how.
Love achieved.
Love achieved.
Love achieved.
Excellent!
Now let's just hope
we make it in time.
Who am I fooling?
This will never work.
Someone needs to stop Yuri,
but I'm no Neon Joe.
Ohh!
Cleve, Neon Joe is not
the sexy-as-all-hell guy
that came up with this plan.
You are.
I've been dropping hints for
the past few days, all right?
I'll spell it out for you
I'm hot for number 2s.
Sidekicks.
I don't want Neon Joe.
I want you, the hottest guy
I've ever met in my life.
You can do this, Cleve.
And when you do,
I'll be waiting for you
with an open heart
and open legs.
Let's get the final piece
of the puzzle done.
Okay.
There they are.
Ooh, Neon Joe's gonna love it
when you do this to him.
Get out there
and you show that moon
there's more
than one glowing cube
with dangling nuts in this town.
Good luck, mister.
Aaaah!
Yoo-hoo!
Hey, moon! Look at me!
Come and get me.
I'm a sexy cube, too.
I mean, who didn't cry
when they thought
E.T. was dying.
Me.
A lot of people didn't.
I didn't cry because
E.T. looked super fake.
Obvious stupid puppet.
Who goes there?
Turgolock, it Neon Joe.
Don't you recognize me,
he-yump?
Neon Joe?
Old age has robbed me
of my sight,
but I recognize that accent,
whatever it is.
Cajun? Southern?
It's vague.
I sense another presence.
Leann, is that you?
Hello, Turgolock.
And someone else is here.
Colonel Daggart,
United States military.
Turgolock, we need to ask
you how we can
Defeat the cube.
Ah, yes.
The Celestial
Seduction has begun.
The prophecy states
that only a sword
carved from the bones
of a million wolves
can kill the cube.
Behold the Sword
of F yoncienyam.
♪
You must castrate the cube
in order to kill it.
Wait, hold up.
This cube got nuts?
You'll see.
All right, that sound cool, man.
Do a little chip-chop with this
thing on some little pee-pee.
Oh, the sword
is of no use to you.
The power of love made you two
the greatest werewolf hunting
duo in the world.
You fell out of love
a long time ago
and tried to rekindle the flame,
but it didn't work,
and you both know it.
I'd fight the cube myself,
but I'm afraid I no longer
possess the strength.
Sorry to hear.
What you doing, Daggart?
Using you two to get
to this old bag of bones
and to that sword.
Thanks for the weapon, Lagoturd.
That's Turgolock,
Dag-asswipe.
Oh!
Nice burn, old man.
Daggart, don't do it.
You sure got balls
for a guy without any.
Ah, he-yump!
This better be another one
of your trust-building
exercises.
I'm afraid I haven't been
entirely honest with you.
What, you ain't the military's
top couple counselor?
No, I am.
And as you know,
the military's been
studying werewolves for years.
We devised a theory that
if werewolves had better
interpersonal relationships,
they might be less
of a threat to humans.
I felt the only way
to understand them
was to think like them.
And to think like them,
I had to become one of them.
And I realized that counseling
wasn't the problem.
Relationships were.
We don't need another person.
We only need ourselves.
Imagine a world
without relationships,
without bickering,
without arguments.
You sound like a man
whose heart's been broken.
You leave Barbara out of this!
What?
Who's Barbara?
How do you know about Barbara?
Did she ask about me?
Who the hell is Barbara?
I don't know who Barbara is.
Daggart, you sound
like you talking
about creating a world
of lone wolves.
Lone super-wolves
who can transform on their own,
free of the moon.
And now that I have a sword
of a million wolves,
I'll be running the show
from now on.
Good day, everyone.
Whoa, that was cool.
Wow!
Everything looking good.
Moon tracking our location.
Wait!
What is happening?
Moon changing its course.
Hey, man, there's another cube
running around out there, man.
What?
Where Cleve?
Umm, uh, he went to get
some more cologne.
I'll bet he did.
Can't believe Turgolock dead.
He's supposed to be
all-knowing and invincible.
First time I met him he had
a burrito waiting for me.
Knew exactly how I like it
chorizo and rice,
refried bean,
sour cream on the side,
little salsa verde,
pico de gallo,
chips and guac,
watermelon aguas frescas
with just a little bit of ice.
He even knew that I liked
a flour tortilla
rather than corn.
How could he not
see Daggart coming?
What? Why you looking
at me like that?
You saved my life.
That's all I needed.
All you needed for what?
For this.
Ooh, he-yump!
He-yump!
Ooh he-yump!
Now there's the true passion
we've been waiting for.
Turgolock, you alive!
This needed to happen for you
two to fall back in love,
but now you must hurry.
The prophecy says
if a werewolf eats
the cube's nuts,
he will gain its power
and rule the world.
Here, take my car keys.
Cool keychain.
Turgolock, no!
Oh!
Oh, babe, can you
ever forgive me
for what I done to you
even though I did done
what we agreed to do,
which is why I done gone did do
what I did to get done?
Do the world
still have a chance?
Oh, it's on.
Yeah.
Why don't you guys
just screw already?
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Look at me!
I look hot, don't I, moon?
Hey, moon!
Yoo-hoo!
Cleve!
Ha ha ha.
Keep running, Cleve!
Save the world!
If I can't be with you,
I don't want to live anyway.
I'm sorry.
I just can't take the chance
of them hurting
my boss's girlfriend.
You dim, spineless
suck-up.
That's so hot.
Man, for such a old geezer,
Turgolock sure
got one boss ride.
Oh, babe, when it's
all said and done,
I'm gonna make it up to you.
Maybe we'll go to New York City
for that big spa weekend
I always promised.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I don't care that
you look like a man.
You still got a 'giney,
and I speak 'ginese.
You think you can finally say
that we did not have
an agreement
that one of us would run away?
Say what now?
Do you really not remember
me vehemently
disagreeing to that?
Do I he-yump?
Will you at least acknowledge
that I did not agree
to that idea?
Will I he-yump?
Up yours, Joe.
Oh, baby, you know
what I he-yump!
Chantilly lace
and a pretty face ♪
And a ponytail
hanging down ♪
A wiggle and a walk ♪
And a giggle and a talk ♪
He-yump
Make the world go round ♪
He-yump, He-yump
Ain't nothing in the world
like a big-eyed girl ♪
To make me act so funny,
make me spend my money ♪
Make me feel real loose
like a long-necked goose ♪
Oh, baby,
that what I he-yump! ♪