On the Buses (1969) s02e04 Episode Script
Aunt Maud
On the Buses, number 4, part 1, production number 0279, take 1.
Good afternoon, Mrs Butler.
Good afternoon, Inspector.
Can you tell me, is my stand driving the number 11 that's due in now?
Undoubtedly, Mrs Butler.
That's the one that's ten minutes late.
Oh, yes, it would be, because the 3.45 from Turberry Sall was a bit late.
The number 11 bus, madam, it doesn't go to Tilbury.
It goes to the Cemetery Gate and back.
I know, but Stan's waiting in the station to meet his Auntie Maud.
What?
Yes, she's come to stay with us, and Stan said he'd meet her at the station if
her train wasn't more than half an hour late.
Did he?
I'll make a note of that.
Oh, he's very obliging, my Stan.
Yes, I'll see the general manager gets to hear about that.
Oh, you're very kind.
Not all inspectors are like that, my Stan says.
No, no, there's one they call Hitler.
Stan says he's a real bastard.
I'll tell you.
Where's that bus?
Is that the one that's coming in now?
Yes, that's the one.
It'll back in here and back right up there.
Why do they always back in?
It saves them backing out.
Hello, Stan.
I'm up.
Did you pick up your auntie?
Yeah, of course I did.
Hang on, I'll open the doors.
Oh, thanks, love.
Hello, Ma.
Hello, my boy.
How are you, love?
Oh, I've had a shocking journey.
Hello, auntie.
Hello, love.
Have you said hello to Stan?
No, not yet.
Come here, love.
Have you given your aunt a kiss yet?
No, not yet, Mum.
I was just
Butler!
I'd like a word with you, if I may.
Come on, give me a kiss.
This is my nephew.
I used to bath him.
There was a time I had him on me knee and smothered his little bottom with
powder.
Fascinating, I'm sure.
Has he still got that little birthmark on his little body?
I should ask the Clippers about that, if I were you.
Er, beg your pardon, Mrs Butler.
No offence intended, I'm sure.
Well, have you got everything, Maude?
Yes.
Oh, Marcus.
Marcus?
Marcus.
Who's Marcus?
My doggie.
Didn't I tell you I've got a little pet?
No, you didn't.
He's so nervous riding on the bus.
Marcus?
Marcus?
Come on to Mummy.
Come on.
He won't come off.
Oh.
Go and see if you can get him off.
She's ever so good with little doggies.
Come on, Marcus.
Yes, that's right.
Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Who let that creature on the bus?
Where's your conductor?
Well, he was on when we got left the depot.
Jack, are you all right, Jack?
I am not coming down till that animal's under control.
Don't be daft.
He won't hurt you.
There's nothing wrong with him.
Oh, my darling, he's all right, can't I, Maude?
Friend.
It's all right for you, mate.
You're sitting up front.
I shall have to make a note of this.
Where's your waybill?
Here.
The rest of it's inside him.
You gave it to him to play with, did you?
Play with?
Look what he's done to me pouch.
First me waybill, then me pouch.
He was getting too close for comfort, so I went upstairs.
You shouldn't have let him on the bus in the first place.
He didn't let him on.
He got on.
Maude, you never said you had a vicious pet like this.
You should have said, he's only a little pet, he's not like this normally.
He upset him.
He wouldn't let him get on the seat.
Because at the time there happened to be two people sitting on it.
He went for me, tried to bite me, and I only smiled at him.
I'm not surprised we're your choppers, mate.
You thought he was going to bite him.
Come on, get that creature off the bus.
There's no time to waste now.
Come on, Olive, give up.
Give up, Olive.
Don't be silly, you don't know how to do it.
Come here, I'll show you.
You've got to see lips who's the boss, you see.
Bloody nearly dragged me in the side.
Yeah, he's probably feeling angry again.
He won't come any further.
It's no use using brute force to get him off the bus.
Use a bit of logic, for God's sake.
Give him something to get off for.
A tomcat will get him off.
Meow.
Meow.
Bloody, you sound as though you've been doctored.
He'll be marvellous.
Any minute now he'll be down on all fours digging holes.
That won't get him off.
He's afraid of cats.
I know what's wrong, it's afraid of him.
Afraid of me?
Oh, no, no, not the Inspector.
Yes, he was once kicked by a man with a little black moustache, just like he's
got.
So he thinks this man's cruel and nasty.
Very clever dog.
Now, sir, perhaps if you went and ate, he might get off.
Went and ate?
Yes.
Preposterous.
However, if a dog's as daft as all that, I suppose I'd better go and hide.
There, the minute the Inspector's gone, he's all right.
See you later, then, Mum.
That is marvellous, isn't it?
Immediately the Inspector goes, everybody's all right.
Get down, you idiot.
What are you doing up there?
It's a good job I had that bit of liver in the cupboard.
I don't know what I'd give Marcus.
Oh, you know, he's too big a dog to have in the house.
Olive, love, go and take him outside.
There's a good girl.
Oh, I'll put him in the hall.
Yes, go on, stay here.
Put him in the hall.
That's right, love.
Come on.
Oh, what a size.
Here, where's her husband tonight?
He's very late.
Well, he always is on a Friday night, hasn't he?
Doesn't get it?
What, past ten?
Oh, I think it's terrible them working them so late.
No, not really.
Eh?
Well, if Arthur had been here, the dog wouldn't have had his liver.
Oh, there's your husband now, Olive.
Get!
Hey, get down!
Get off, will you?
Leave!
Go!
Who put that great big brute out there?
She did.
Well, she might have turned the light on.
Opened the front door, he put his paws right up near me shoulder, started
licking me face.
I thought it was Olive gone berserk.
Olive, did you really think it was me?
Come and give us a kiss.
No, thank you.
I've had enough of the dog.
Whose is it?
Aunt Maud's.
Aunt Maud?
Oh, she's arrived, has she?
Where is she?
Upstairs and downstairs.
Here, Kim.
Oh.
Here, that smells good.
My liver, is it?
I'll have that now.
You've had it.
You've had it, cos the dog's had it.
You give my liver to that dog?
Well, we had to give it something, love.
Olive, go in the kitchen and get some cheese and pickled onions.
Yes, all right.
Charming, innit?
I was looking forward to that liver.
Never even got a taste of it.
You must have done when he jumped up and bit you.
What did that aunt of yours want to bring that great big fruit here for?
Anyway, she must be out of her mind, that stupid old bag.
Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Aunt Maud.
How nice to see you.
Oh, that'll come down, won't it, Popple?
It's in the kitchen, love.
Give us a kiss.
Aye.
I mean, first the dog, now her.
It's like a Roman orgy.
Here you are, Arthur.
Cheese and pickled onions.
There's not much cheese you'll have to fill up with pickled onions.
You bring them in for me or yourself?
I haven't seen you since the day you and Olive got married.
It doesn't seem like nine years.
It does to me, mate.
Mind you, Olive's put on a bit round the middle.
I didn't notice it when you got your coat on.
Of course they have been married long enough, haven't they?
Is she, you know
No, she is not.
She's just greedy.
Nine years.
Didn't he have to have an operation?
Yes, seven years ago.
Hasn't done no good.
That has got nothing to do with it.
Perhaps you should have another operation.
You don't shut up, mate.
You'll need one.
Funny Stan hasn't got married, isn't it?
Eh?
Isn't he courting?
Oh, I don't know.
He goes out with Jack most nights, his conductor.
Oh.
What do you mean, oh?
Well, I hope he's not going to turn out like Uncle Herbert.
Oh, shut up, mate.
Hang on, hang on.
What is it about Uncle Herbert?
Why shouldn't I turn out like Uncle Herbert?
It's something we don't talk about, love.
Come on, come on.
I want to know.
Well, it's just that he was
But it's all right now, cos it's legal.
I mean, what a family I'm married into.
Good job we haven't got any children.
Oh, they wouldn't be like Stan.
They'd be like me.
Well, that's a great comfort, isn't it?
I think I'll go to bed.
Will you be all right in Stan's room, love?
Oh, yes.
It's ever so nice of Stan to give his room up for me.
I thought that Marcus could sleep outside in the shed.
Go and get him, Olive.
He can't.
He'll catch his death.
He's ever so delicate.
I noticed that the way he dragged me on the bus.
Marcus is used to bedding down on the sofa.
Otherwise, he'd be yelling all night long.
Now, you'll have to go in the front room.
I'm sleeping on the sofa in the front room.
Well, I'm sure you'll both be very happy.
I've felt that.
Marcus will have to go on the sofa.
Otherwise, we'll all be up all night.
Aunt, we love having you here, but I'm sorry I can never have you on the sofa.
Mum, I'm not having you in here.
Olive, come in with me.
Stan, sleep with Arthur.
I have not slept with him, and that's fine.
I'm not particularly about sleeping with you, mate.
And the way you're noshing back them pickled onions, boy, I'd rather sleep with
a dog anyway.
You can't sleep here.
Why not?
Of course, that's my side.
Get over to the other side.
Don't be childish.
Come on, come on.
I want to get some sleep.
Get over to the other side.
I've warmed that side now.
Thank you very much.
I do not require your heat.
All right, then.
Come on, up again.
Don't be so childish.
Blimey, you're high up, aren't you?
Aye.
I feel like I'm sleeping in a hole.
Yeah, that's where Olive sleeps.
If you want to get this mattress fixed, blimey, I'm surprised you don't get
stuck in it.
No, thank you very much.
I don't want to roll in over my side.
Uncomfortable, I know that.
It's no good, mate.
I can't sleep that side.
Blimey.
Look, mate, I am sleeping here.
I have slept this side for nine years, and Olive's slept that side for nine
years.
What's that there?
It sounds like the Berlin Wall.
I suppose you do meet at times for Checkpoint Charlie.
Ouch.
You can either sleep there or find somewhere else to sleep.
All right, then.
Ow!
Ow!
What have you got at the bottom of this bed?
Like a ruddy mousetrap or something?
Cor!
Cor, look at that!
It's a curler.
Yes, it's one of Olive's.
It's not one of yours.
How did it get down there?
You're likely to find anything down there, mate.
I don't think Olive's ever made her bed.
She just pulls her bedclothes up.
I can't sleep this side.
What's the matter now?
Cos I always sleep on me right side.
What, so?
So?
I'll never get to sleep looking at your clock, will I?
Blimey, stupid!
You won't see me in the dark, will you?
Blimey, I'll smell you, though.
You're breathing pickled onions all over me.
Go on.
Face the other way.
All right, then.
When Olive, I always sleep facing the door anyway.
Oi!
Your toenails!
What's wrong with them?
Blimey, mate!
Get them cut.
They're like shark's teeth.
You're supposed to cut them, not sharpen them.
I'll sleep with me socks on if you like.
I thought you always did.
Ah, shut up.
Where's her nail scissors?
I expect they're at the bottom of the bed with a load of rubbish.
God blimey, your breath, mate!
I'm not having my toenails cut unless you suck a peppermint.
I can't find her nail scissors anywhere.
You just keep your feet out of the way.
That's all right.
Let's have some sleep.
Oh, no.
Yes!
I lost my coat!
That is not all you've lost.
Do you always put that stuff on your face?
Yeah, it's supposed to make me look prettier.
It does.
You should use it more often.
Arthur, why do you let Stan say things like that to me?
Because I never think of him first.
Oh!
I can't
Oh, there they are.
How did they get under the bed?
I don't know, mate.
You must have pushed them out the bottom.
If you made the bed a bit more often, you'd find loads of things down here.
Oh!
Now, come on, let's get some sleep, for goodness sake.
Turn the light out.
Eh?
What?
Turn the light out.
You put it out.
You got in last.
Oh, don't be stupid.
The light is your side.
Olive always switches it off.
We'll get Olive in to put it out, then.
God, blimey, your feet are freezing!
Get them off!
Do you always go to bed with all that muck on your face and them curlers in
your hair?
Yeah.
What?
In front of Arthur?
Yeah, why?
Blimey, no wonder I'm not a grandmother.
Oh, Arthur doesn't mind.
Oh, I forgot to kiss him goodnight.
Oh, don't go to him, love.
Let him come to you.
Men only like what they have to put themselves out for.
I don't think he'll come.
No.
I know my Arthur.
If I don't kiss him goodnight, he won't be able to sleep.
Olive.
Olive.
Olive.
Get your hand out of it.
I'm not Olive.
Turn over, Olive.
Turn over.
You're snoring.
Turn over.
Turn over.
Stop snoring.
God, blimey.
Turn over, will you?
What kind of place is it that you do that?
You're snoring your head off.
You sound like a stuffed pig.
I do not snore.
You do snore.
Blimey, I've never heard anything like it since the silence.
I fell off me bus.
You should hear your mate.
You go
Is there a need to bloody well exaggerate?
It's not bloody exaggerating, mate.
And then it's
No, no, no.
Olive, Olive, Olive.
Your hand's all over me, mate.
Get in bed, give me some clothes.
All right.
And turn over on your side.
Blimey, we're back to the pickled onions now.
All right.
Sleep on me back and you can lump it.
And if you don't want to lump it, find someone else to sleep.
I will.
I'm going to have a kip in the kitchen.
All right, good.
I'm fed up with it.
And don't tell me you've never shared a bed with anyone who snored.
I have, but last time it was worthwhile.
Can I come in?
Oh, what is it?
I can't sleep.
So?
Where's Dan gone?
He's gone down the kitchen.
It's ruddy cold down here.
If I know him, he'll be up in a minute.
Oh, well, I've got this aching me neck.
I want you to rub it with me minty green ointment.
I left the box here somewhere.
Oh, my.
God, Blimey, even the fire's gone out.
It's freezing cold down here.
I suppose I'll have to put up with him.
I can't stand this.
Will you rub it in?
No.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
I shan't be able to sleep unless you do.
No, I'm too tired.
Oh, come on.
Blimey, she didn't waste much time.
No, not this time of night.
Oh, you are rotten.
You weren't like this when we were first married.
Oh, all right.
Come on, then.
Just a minute.
I'll have to put the dressing gown down.
Come on.
He'll be up in a minute.
Come on.
God, Blimey.
Once a year, and it has to beat the night.
Come on, then.
Slow down a bit.
Got another turn to do.
Yeah, I know that.
Oh, don't be daft, mate.
I know I've got a stiff neck.
God, I was up all night, freezing cold in that flipping chair in the kitchen.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Here, give me a neck rub, will you, mate?
All right.
Oh, it's lovely.
God, you've got lovely strong fingers, Jack.
Yeah, it comes from counting the coppers.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, more, more, more.
That's lovely, lovely, lovely.
Oh.
God, take all the art moulds going today, I tell you that.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
I couldn't stay another night out on my bed, you know.
How are they getting to the station?
By cab.
Oh, I told them, never getting a dog on the bus.
You're right, mate.
I think you two have been working together a bit too long, don't you?
What's the matter, you want a bit?
Well, you must admit it does look a bit peculiar, doesn't it?
Look, mate, I might be doing it to him, but I'm thinking of her.
Can't we ever let our minds rise to higher things?
Come on, cut it out.
Come on.
Get on that bus and get it out, come on.
Try and get it out on time this time, will you?
Oh, all right, all right.
Keep the voice down.
Oh.
That's great, that is, Jack.
I must admit, that's done a lot of good to my neck.
Yeah, I know.
I've done it to her once, you know, after the social.
Yeah?
What happened?
Her husband hit me.
Wait for me, love, wait.
Has she gone?
Has she gone?
What's that?
Didn't the cab come then?
Oh, yes, the cab came.
Took one look at the dog and went.
Without us.
Oh, he was terrible.
He said we should have ordered an horse box.
What are you doing here anyway?
Well, Aunt Maud will have to go to the station on the bus.
Not with that animal.
It wouldn't be our
Well, Mum, if the expectancy is getting the dog, we'd get our cards.
Well, how's she going to get to the station?
It's three miles.
Oh, put a saddle on the dog and ride it there, I don't know.
She can't do it.
She's going to miss her train.
Well, let her get another cab and catch another train.
Oh, but she can't.
There's only one through train a day.
Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, love.
You'll have to stay another night.
What?
I've got your bedclothes all nice and
Mum, Mum, Mum, forget it, forget it.
Aunt, get on with the bus, get on with the bus.
Get the dog.
It's all right for you, mate.
Sitting up there out of harm's way, I am not having that dog nibbling at my
pouch.
It's only till we get it to the station, mate.
I'm not having it.
Look, Mum, I'm stiff-necked.
I am not having it.
That's final.
That's final.
Only leaves one thing for me to do then, doesn't it?
Good afternoon, Mrs Butler.
Good afternoon, Inspector.
Can you tell me, is my stand driving the number 11 that's due in now?
Undoubtedly, Mrs Butler.
That's the one that's ten minutes late.
Oh, yes, it would be, because the 3.45 from Turberry Sall was a bit late.
The number 11 bus, madam, it doesn't go to Tilbury.
It goes to the Cemetery Gate and back.
I know, but Stan's waiting in the station to meet his Auntie Maud.
What?
Yes, she's come to stay with us, and Stan said he'd meet her at the station if
her train wasn't more than half an hour late.
Did he?
I'll make a note of that.
Oh, he's very obliging, my Stan.
Yes, I'll see the general manager gets to hear about that.
Oh, you're very kind.
Not all inspectors are like that, my Stan says.
No, no, there's one they call Hitler.
Stan says he's a real bastard.
I'll tell you.
Where's that bus?
Is that the one that's coming in now?
Yes, that's the one.
It'll back in here and back right up there.
Why do they always back in?
It saves them backing out.
Hello, Stan.
I'm up.
Did you pick up your auntie?
Yeah, of course I did.
Hang on, I'll open the doors.
Oh, thanks, love.
Hello, Ma.
Hello, my boy.
How are you, love?
Oh, I've had a shocking journey.
Hello, auntie.
Hello, love.
Have you said hello to Stan?
No, not yet.
Come here, love.
Have you given your aunt a kiss yet?
No, not yet, Mum.
I was just
Butler!
I'd like a word with you, if I may.
Come on, give me a kiss.
This is my nephew.
I used to bath him.
There was a time I had him on me knee and smothered his little bottom with
powder.
Fascinating, I'm sure.
Has he still got that little birthmark on his little body?
I should ask the Clippers about that, if I were you.
Er, beg your pardon, Mrs Butler.
No offence intended, I'm sure.
Well, have you got everything, Maude?
Yes.
Oh, Marcus.
Marcus?
Marcus.
Who's Marcus?
My doggie.
Didn't I tell you I've got a little pet?
No, you didn't.
He's so nervous riding on the bus.
Marcus?
Marcus?
Come on to Mummy.
Come on.
He won't come off.
Oh.
Go and see if you can get him off.
She's ever so good with little doggies.
Come on, Marcus.
Yes, that's right.
Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Who let that creature on the bus?
Where's your conductor?
Well, he was on when we got left the depot.
Jack, are you all right, Jack?
I am not coming down till that animal's under control.
Don't be daft.
He won't hurt you.
There's nothing wrong with him.
Oh, my darling, he's all right, can't I, Maude?
Friend.
It's all right for you, mate.
You're sitting up front.
I shall have to make a note of this.
Where's your waybill?
Here.
The rest of it's inside him.
You gave it to him to play with, did you?
Play with?
Look what he's done to me pouch.
First me waybill, then me pouch.
He was getting too close for comfort, so I went upstairs.
You shouldn't have let him on the bus in the first place.
He didn't let him on.
He got on.
Maude, you never said you had a vicious pet like this.
You should have said, he's only a little pet, he's not like this normally.
He upset him.
He wouldn't let him get on the seat.
Because at the time there happened to be two people sitting on it.
He went for me, tried to bite me, and I only smiled at him.
I'm not surprised we're your choppers, mate.
You thought he was going to bite him.
Come on, get that creature off the bus.
There's no time to waste now.
Come on, Olive, give up.
Give up, Olive.
Don't be silly, you don't know how to do it.
Come here, I'll show you.
You've got to see lips who's the boss, you see.
Bloody nearly dragged me in the side.
Yeah, he's probably feeling angry again.
He won't come any further.
It's no use using brute force to get him off the bus.
Use a bit of logic, for God's sake.
Give him something to get off for.
A tomcat will get him off.
Meow.
Meow.
Bloody, you sound as though you've been doctored.
He'll be marvellous.
Any minute now he'll be down on all fours digging holes.
That won't get him off.
He's afraid of cats.
I know what's wrong, it's afraid of him.
Afraid of me?
Oh, no, no, not the Inspector.
Yes, he was once kicked by a man with a little black moustache, just like he's
got.
So he thinks this man's cruel and nasty.
Very clever dog.
Now, sir, perhaps if you went and ate, he might get off.
Went and ate?
Yes.
Preposterous.
However, if a dog's as daft as all that, I suppose I'd better go and hide.
There, the minute the Inspector's gone, he's all right.
See you later, then, Mum.
That is marvellous, isn't it?
Immediately the Inspector goes, everybody's all right.
Get down, you idiot.
What are you doing up there?
It's a good job I had that bit of liver in the cupboard.
I don't know what I'd give Marcus.
Oh, you know, he's too big a dog to have in the house.
Olive, love, go and take him outside.
There's a good girl.
Oh, I'll put him in the hall.
Yes, go on, stay here.
Put him in the hall.
That's right, love.
Come on.
Oh, what a size.
Here, where's her husband tonight?
He's very late.
Well, he always is on a Friday night, hasn't he?
Doesn't get it?
What, past ten?
Oh, I think it's terrible them working them so late.
No, not really.
Eh?
Well, if Arthur had been here, the dog wouldn't have had his liver.
Oh, there's your husband now, Olive.
Get!
Hey, get down!
Get off, will you?
Leave!
Go!
Who put that great big brute out there?
She did.
Well, she might have turned the light on.
Opened the front door, he put his paws right up near me shoulder, started
licking me face.
I thought it was Olive gone berserk.
Olive, did you really think it was me?
Come and give us a kiss.
No, thank you.
I've had enough of the dog.
Whose is it?
Aunt Maud's.
Aunt Maud?
Oh, she's arrived, has she?
Where is she?
Upstairs and downstairs.
Here, Kim.
Oh.
Here, that smells good.
My liver, is it?
I'll have that now.
You've had it.
You've had it, cos the dog's had it.
You give my liver to that dog?
Well, we had to give it something, love.
Olive, go in the kitchen and get some cheese and pickled onions.
Yes, all right.
Charming, innit?
I was looking forward to that liver.
Never even got a taste of it.
You must have done when he jumped up and bit you.
What did that aunt of yours want to bring that great big fruit here for?
Anyway, she must be out of her mind, that stupid old bag.
Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Aunt Maud.
How nice to see you.
Oh, that'll come down, won't it, Popple?
It's in the kitchen, love.
Give us a kiss.
Aye.
I mean, first the dog, now her.
It's like a Roman orgy.
Here you are, Arthur.
Cheese and pickled onions.
There's not much cheese you'll have to fill up with pickled onions.
You bring them in for me or yourself?
I haven't seen you since the day you and Olive got married.
It doesn't seem like nine years.
It does to me, mate.
Mind you, Olive's put on a bit round the middle.
I didn't notice it when you got your coat on.
Of course they have been married long enough, haven't they?
Is she, you know
No, she is not.
She's just greedy.
Nine years.
Didn't he have to have an operation?
Yes, seven years ago.
Hasn't done no good.
That has got nothing to do with it.
Perhaps you should have another operation.
You don't shut up, mate.
You'll need one.
Funny Stan hasn't got married, isn't it?
Eh?
Isn't he courting?
Oh, I don't know.
He goes out with Jack most nights, his conductor.
Oh.
What do you mean, oh?
Well, I hope he's not going to turn out like Uncle Herbert.
Oh, shut up, mate.
Hang on, hang on.
What is it about Uncle Herbert?
Why shouldn't I turn out like Uncle Herbert?
It's something we don't talk about, love.
Come on, come on.
I want to know.
Well, it's just that he was
But it's all right now, cos it's legal.
I mean, what a family I'm married into.
Good job we haven't got any children.
Oh, they wouldn't be like Stan.
They'd be like me.
Well, that's a great comfort, isn't it?
I think I'll go to bed.
Will you be all right in Stan's room, love?
Oh, yes.
It's ever so nice of Stan to give his room up for me.
I thought that Marcus could sleep outside in the shed.
Go and get him, Olive.
He can't.
He'll catch his death.
He's ever so delicate.
I noticed that the way he dragged me on the bus.
Marcus is used to bedding down on the sofa.
Otherwise, he'd be yelling all night long.
Now, you'll have to go in the front room.
I'm sleeping on the sofa in the front room.
Well, I'm sure you'll both be very happy.
I've felt that.
Marcus will have to go on the sofa.
Otherwise, we'll all be up all night.
Aunt, we love having you here, but I'm sorry I can never have you on the sofa.
Mum, I'm not having you in here.
Olive, come in with me.
Stan, sleep with Arthur.
I have not slept with him, and that's fine.
I'm not particularly about sleeping with you, mate.
And the way you're noshing back them pickled onions, boy, I'd rather sleep with
a dog anyway.
You can't sleep here.
Why not?
Of course, that's my side.
Get over to the other side.
Don't be childish.
Come on, come on.
I want to get some sleep.
Get over to the other side.
I've warmed that side now.
Thank you very much.
I do not require your heat.
All right, then.
Come on, up again.
Don't be so childish.
Blimey, you're high up, aren't you?
Aye.
I feel like I'm sleeping in a hole.
Yeah, that's where Olive sleeps.
If you want to get this mattress fixed, blimey, I'm surprised you don't get
stuck in it.
No, thank you very much.
I don't want to roll in over my side.
Uncomfortable, I know that.
It's no good, mate.
I can't sleep that side.
Blimey.
Look, mate, I am sleeping here.
I have slept this side for nine years, and Olive's slept that side for nine
years.
What's that there?
It sounds like the Berlin Wall.
I suppose you do meet at times for Checkpoint Charlie.
Ouch.
You can either sleep there or find somewhere else to sleep.
All right, then.
Ow!
Ow!
What have you got at the bottom of this bed?
Like a ruddy mousetrap or something?
Cor!
Cor, look at that!
It's a curler.
Yes, it's one of Olive's.
It's not one of yours.
How did it get down there?
You're likely to find anything down there, mate.
I don't think Olive's ever made her bed.
She just pulls her bedclothes up.
I can't sleep this side.
What's the matter now?
Cos I always sleep on me right side.
What, so?
So?
I'll never get to sleep looking at your clock, will I?
Blimey, stupid!
You won't see me in the dark, will you?
Blimey, I'll smell you, though.
You're breathing pickled onions all over me.
Go on.
Face the other way.
All right, then.
When Olive, I always sleep facing the door anyway.
Oi!
Your toenails!
What's wrong with them?
Blimey, mate!
Get them cut.
They're like shark's teeth.
You're supposed to cut them, not sharpen them.
I'll sleep with me socks on if you like.
I thought you always did.
Ah, shut up.
Where's her nail scissors?
I expect they're at the bottom of the bed with a load of rubbish.
God blimey, your breath, mate!
I'm not having my toenails cut unless you suck a peppermint.
I can't find her nail scissors anywhere.
You just keep your feet out of the way.
That's all right.
Let's have some sleep.
Oh, no.
Yes!
I lost my coat!
That is not all you've lost.
Do you always put that stuff on your face?
Yeah, it's supposed to make me look prettier.
It does.
You should use it more often.
Arthur, why do you let Stan say things like that to me?
Because I never think of him first.
Oh!
I can't
Oh, there they are.
How did they get under the bed?
I don't know, mate.
You must have pushed them out the bottom.
If you made the bed a bit more often, you'd find loads of things down here.
Oh!
Now, come on, let's get some sleep, for goodness sake.
Turn the light out.
Eh?
What?
Turn the light out.
You put it out.
You got in last.
Oh, don't be stupid.
The light is your side.
Olive always switches it off.
We'll get Olive in to put it out, then.
God, blimey, your feet are freezing!
Get them off!
Do you always go to bed with all that muck on your face and them curlers in
your hair?
Yeah.
What?
In front of Arthur?
Yeah, why?
Blimey, no wonder I'm not a grandmother.
Oh, Arthur doesn't mind.
Oh, I forgot to kiss him goodnight.
Oh, don't go to him, love.
Let him come to you.
Men only like what they have to put themselves out for.
I don't think he'll come.
No.
I know my Arthur.
If I don't kiss him goodnight, he won't be able to sleep.
Olive.
Olive.
Olive.
Get your hand out of it.
I'm not Olive.
Turn over, Olive.
Turn over.
You're snoring.
Turn over.
Turn over.
Stop snoring.
God, blimey.
Turn over, will you?
What kind of place is it that you do that?
You're snoring your head off.
You sound like a stuffed pig.
I do not snore.
You do snore.
Blimey, I've never heard anything like it since the silence.
I fell off me bus.
You should hear your mate.
You go
Is there a need to bloody well exaggerate?
It's not bloody exaggerating, mate.
And then it's
No, no, no.
Olive, Olive, Olive.
Your hand's all over me, mate.
Get in bed, give me some clothes.
All right.
And turn over on your side.
Blimey, we're back to the pickled onions now.
All right.
Sleep on me back and you can lump it.
And if you don't want to lump it, find someone else to sleep.
I will.
I'm going to have a kip in the kitchen.
All right, good.
I'm fed up with it.
And don't tell me you've never shared a bed with anyone who snored.
I have, but last time it was worthwhile.
Can I come in?
Oh, what is it?
I can't sleep.
So?
Where's Dan gone?
He's gone down the kitchen.
It's ruddy cold down here.
If I know him, he'll be up in a minute.
Oh, well, I've got this aching me neck.
I want you to rub it with me minty green ointment.
I left the box here somewhere.
Oh, my.
God, Blimey, even the fire's gone out.
It's freezing cold down here.
I suppose I'll have to put up with him.
I can't stand this.
Will you rub it in?
No.
Oh, come on, Arthur.
I shan't be able to sleep unless you do.
No, I'm too tired.
Oh, come on.
Blimey, she didn't waste much time.
No, not this time of night.
Oh, you are rotten.
You weren't like this when we were first married.
Oh, all right.
Come on, then.
Just a minute.
I'll have to put the dressing gown down.
Come on.
He'll be up in a minute.
Come on.
God, Blimey.
Once a year, and it has to beat the night.
Come on, then.
Slow down a bit.
Got another turn to do.
Yeah, I know that.
Oh, don't be daft, mate.
I know I've got a stiff neck.
God, I was up all night, freezing cold in that flipping chair in the kitchen.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Here, give me a neck rub, will you, mate?
All right.
Oh, it's lovely.
God, you've got lovely strong fingers, Jack.
Yeah, it comes from counting the coppers.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, more, more, more.
That's lovely, lovely, lovely.
Oh.
God, take all the art moulds going today, I tell you that.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
I couldn't stay another night out on my bed, you know.
How are they getting to the station?
By cab.
Oh, I told them, never getting a dog on the bus.
You're right, mate.
I think you two have been working together a bit too long, don't you?
What's the matter, you want a bit?
Well, you must admit it does look a bit peculiar, doesn't it?
Look, mate, I might be doing it to him, but I'm thinking of her.
Can't we ever let our minds rise to higher things?
Come on, cut it out.
Come on.
Get on that bus and get it out, come on.
Try and get it out on time this time, will you?
Oh, all right, all right.
Keep the voice down.
Oh.
That's great, that is, Jack.
I must admit, that's done a lot of good to my neck.
Yeah, I know.
I've done it to her once, you know, after the social.
Yeah?
What happened?
Her husband hit me.
Wait for me, love, wait.
Has she gone?
Has she gone?
What's that?
Didn't the cab come then?
Oh, yes, the cab came.
Took one look at the dog and went.
Without us.
Oh, he was terrible.
He said we should have ordered an horse box.
What are you doing here anyway?
Well, Aunt Maud will have to go to the station on the bus.
Not with that animal.
It wouldn't be our
Well, Mum, if the expectancy is getting the dog, we'd get our cards.
Well, how's she going to get to the station?
It's three miles.
Oh, put a saddle on the dog and ride it there, I don't know.
She can't do it.
She's going to miss her train.
Well, let her get another cab and catch another train.
Oh, but she can't.
There's only one through train a day.
Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, love.
You'll have to stay another night.
What?
I've got your bedclothes all nice and
Mum, Mum, Mum, forget it, forget it.
Aunt, get on with the bus, get on with the bus.
Get the dog.
It's all right for you, mate.
Sitting up there out of harm's way, I am not having that dog nibbling at my
pouch.
It's only till we get it to the station, mate.
I'm not having it.
Look, Mum, I'm stiff-necked.
I am not having it.
That's final.
That's final.
Only leaves one thing for me to do then, doesn't it?