The Brady Bunch (1969) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪
Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls. ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone. ♪
Till the one day
when the lady met this fellow ♪
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way we all became
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch ♪
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Now, higher. Higher.
Mike, I think that's high enough.
I got a close-up, honey. Smile.
Hi, everybody.
CAROL: Hi, Greg.
How's it going?
Hey, Mom, we've got a history teacher
like you wouldn't believe.
Is that bad or good?
She wants us to be creative.
We're supposed to study
the early colonies,
and then think up some interesting way
to tell about it.
A kind of report?
Yeah, sort of. One kid's going
to write a play about Salem,
and another's going to build
a model of Plymouth Settlement,
and another's going to paint a picture.
Say, that is groovy. She
sounds like a good teacher.
She is, Mom.
What are you going to do, Greg?
I don't know yet.
Say, your camera.
Suppose I could use your camera?
For your report? Well,
if you be careful with it.
Yeah, I'll make a movie
about the Pilgrims.
Now, that'll really be different.
A movie!
Say, Mike, that's a great idea.
I bet I get an "A" for it.
An "A" movie? Does that mean
kids can see it without their parents?
Mike?
Hmm?
Did you know that Plymouth
wasn't actually the first stop
the Mayflower made in the New World?
Yeah. They stopped at
the tip of Cape Cod
for fresh water.
Greg told me, too.
Good night, honey.
Mike?
Mm-hmm.
You know, Greg is simply
devouring history.
I think it's wonderful.
Mmm.
Well, I wish there were more.
Hmm?
Teachers like that.
Mm-hmm.
Writing plays, painting, making movies.
Kids are bound to learn more.
Mmm.
Good night, dear.
( Softly groans )
( Typewriter keys clacking )
( Whispering): Mike!
Honey, now what?
I hear something.
( Carriage return sliding, roller moving )
That sounds like a typewriter.
At this hour?
( Typewriter keys clacking )
( Typewriter keys clacking loudly )
Greg.
Oh!
What are you doing up?
Oh, I'm working on the screenplay
for my movie.
What, now?
Well, I'm too excited to sleep.
Besides, my mind works best
at this time of night.
Oh, good. When you get a little older,
I'll send you to night school.
Hit the sack, huh?
Okay. I'm stuck here anyway.
Hey, wait a minute.
What?
I got an idea for that.
How's that?
What's going on here?
Greg's writing his screenplay.
Greg is?
What do you think of that?
Well
No, no, no. Uh-uh. No.
No, I think the Indian chief
should definitely say, "I come in peace."
MIKE: Aw, that's not the way they talk
in the movies.
You've got to have
a lot of "ughs" and "hows."
Oh, that's corny, dear.
ALICE: Hey, how about this?
A bush noiselessly parts,
and the painted face of
a red man peers stealthily
through the leaves.
Indians are always doing that in movies.
Yeah, Alice, that isn't bad.
Hey, hey, that's a great way
to start the whole thing!
Dad, I Excuse me, would you, Greg?
I'll just type it right in here.
Dad
Well, if nobody minds,
I think I'll go to bed.
Hey, Mike, will you
put that in How's that?
About "I come in peace"?
"Samoset says
That's my line, Alice: "I come
in peace." I come in peace."
You've got to paint the lines straight.
CINDY: Is mine good?
GREG: Looks fine, but make it look real.
Wow, you sure are a bunch
of busy little beavers.
Hey, what's this?
That's the stock.
We put criminals in it.
They get nothing but bread and water.
And splinters.
I borrowed it from school
along with some other props.
Say, this looks like the real thing.
Is this how it was in the olden times?
Exactly.
Like when you were a little girl?
Bobby, your mother wasn't born then.
Well, Alice?
Neither was I!
Jan, did you wash your hands?
Yeah, see? Told you.
Say, what's taking Bobby so long?
I don't know. I didn't see him.
Well, go call your brother.
( Shouts ): Bobby!
I said go call him, not scream for him.
I could have done that.
BOBBY: Help!
Hey, that's Bobby!
BOBBY: Help! Help!
( Screaming )
Mom!
Coming!
Mom, help me!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Here, I'll get it.
Here, Greg, do it the other way.
Just a minute, honey.
We'll get you out.
How did you get stuck in there?
I don't know.
If I knew, I wouldn't have.
Hold still, sweetheart.
I'm holding, Mom.
Mom, I tell you,
that's the wrong costume.
Well, dear, why don't you let me finish it
before you reject it?
They didn't wear stuff like that
in Pilgrim days only black and white.
Oh, but it's a shame to dress
the girls in black and white
when you're using color film.
Hi, everyone.
Hi, dear.
Oh, careful! The pins!
Wow, don't want to get stuck.
Hey, that's one of the
Pilgrim costumes. Very nice!
It's nice, but not for a Pilgrim!
They only wore black and white.
That must have been
the origin of "basic black."
Yeah, and let's leave it that way.
Yeah, well, I think you can stretch a point
in a movie.
I, for one, don't believe all
the things Charlton Heston does.
( Knock at door )
We're busy.
Well, I just wanted to give you
your parts in the movie.
Oh, I want to be Priscilla!
Sorry, Jan. I'm going to be Priscilla.
I said it first.
I'm Priscilla.
I want to be a Priscilla, too.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm the director, and
( all arguing )
Knock it off, everyone!
Now, then, the part of Priscilla
Greg, you might as well know:
if I'm not Priscilla,
I'm not going to be
in your dumb old movie!
Me, either.
Me, either, either.
Oh, come on.
Well, am I in or am I out?!
Well, look at me, too!
Oh, boy!
( Arguing )
( Whooping )
Hey, you guys, would you
come here for a minute?
Gotcha!
Finished?
Yeah, I guess so.
Good. I want to give you
your parts in the movie.
Good. I want to be an Indian. Me, too.
You're gonna be John Alden,
and you're Myles Standish.
Was he an Indian?
He was a Pilgrim.
I want to be an Indian!
You listen to me I'm the director,
and I say you're both gonna be Pilgrims.
Indians! Indians!
( Whooping )
I can't wait to tell Greg's history teacher
what a wonderful idea
her assignment was.
I don't know how she'd react to that.
Right. Teachers are used to getting
nothing but knocks these days.
Here comes Mr. DeMille now.
Hey, Greg, listen.
I got a great idea
for that "hard winter" part.
Yeah. Me, too.
Hey, look. I wrote mine down.
Later.
Greg?
Yes?
Something bothering you, son?
Yeah, I'll tell you what's bothering me.
It's Priscilla and the Indians.
All the girls want to be Priscilla,
and all the boys want to be Indians.
Well, you're the director.
Who do you want to be Priscilla?
Jan. But Marcia won't be in the movie
if she's not Priscilla.
Jan?
Do you think she's ready
for a romantic role?
Well, I think Marcia
I was thinking about myself.
You?
Sure. Speak for yourself, Alice.
After all, I played the part
at Pilgrim Festival at P.S. 34 In '43.
Or was that P.S. 43 In '34?
Why don't you solve the problem?
Let your mother play Priscilla.
With Bobby as Myles Standish?
( Chuckles )
Well, your father was
only trying to help, Greg.
I don't want any more help.
I'm getting helped right out
of everything I want to do.
I want to write my own screenplay,
design my own sets,
choose my costumes
and pick the actors.
Don't you see? It's my project.
It has to be my work.
I'm the only one who gets graded on it.
And if I can't do it, then the movie's off.
And that's what it is off.
Greg
we're sorry.
We were just trying to help.
I know, Dad.
I'm sorry I popped off like that.
You have every right to pop off.
Even at your pop.
It's your project,
and you should make
your own decisions.
You handle it any way you want,
and we'll do whatever you say.
Thanks, but the other guys don't
want to do it my way, so
Not anymore,
'cause I'll pass the word
that you're the boss.
And you'll all do whatever I say?
Our mouths will be closed.
Right.
GREG: Now, don't forget
when I say "action," you start.
When I say "cut," you stop. You got it?
Okay, everybody in their places
ready to start. PETER: Ready.
Priscilla, how do you
Peter, Peter, not yet.
You said start. Didn't he say start?
You said start.
But you don't start
till I say "action." You got it?
Okay, everybody?
Ready and
action!
Priscilla, how do you like the New World
and living in the
New settlement.
In the new settlement
with spacious skies
and amber waves of grain,
purple mountains,
majesties and fruited
above the fruited plains?
Greg, Greg
Cut.
Come on, Dad, and I thought
I was supposed to do
this for myself. Listen, Mike,
why don't you let Greg do it for himself?
Yeah, Dad. Come on, Dad.
Dad, that's not fair.
Yeah, come on. Yeah, Dad.
This time I insist.
This time you have got to do as I say
or no movie.
All right, Dad, let's hear it.
Son, if you are going to make a movie,
before you shoot the scene
you have to take the cover off the lens.
( Cracking up )
Dumb, dumb.
Action.
John Carver.
Cut!
That was great, Alice.
That was really great.
Now, listen, in our next scene,
we'll first see the Indians.
Indians?
Do you guys know what
you're supposed to do?
We attack the fort.
Yeah. Attack the fort.
No. You're friendly Indians.
You come in peace.
We don't attack?
No. Now, Alice
Couldn't we attack the fort
and then make friends?
Greg does not want an attack.
Then what do you need Indians for?
Dad?
Bobby, the Indians were friendly at first.
They didn't start fighting
until their land was taken away.
You mean, the Pilgrims took
away all the Indians' land?
That's right.
At first, they didn't take much of it.
Then how about not much of an attack?
There's no attack!
Alice
when they first come over
you don't know they're friendly or not
until they hold up the "friendly" sign.
Check, check. And then I
duck out and make my change
while the rest of the Pilgrims greet them.
That's it. Great!
Okay, places, everyone!
Mom, mom, over here.
Yeah, the butter, right?
You'll be with the butter, right
up and down, churning it
and, Dad, you're chopping the wood,
and try not to look conspicuous.
Okay, everybody ready?
And
action!
Now you see the Indians.
Now you see they're friendly.
Come on, Indians, come on.
How!
Me Samoset!
Me Squanto!
Oh, I say,
I'm awfully glad to see you.
Governor John Carver here Pilgrim.
I say, everyone, they're friendly Indians.
Bring them beads and trinkets.
CAROL: How, friendly Indians!
( All saying "How." )
CAROL: Oh, nice feathers!
( All talking at once )
Oh, I say, look at all the friendly Indians!
Cut!
( laughing )
What did I do wrong?
Oh!
That's what I did wrong.
Okay, now, this is
the hard winter scene, with the snow.
Peter, stop the snow.
Don't start the snow till I say "snow."
PETER: I was just
showing them. Isn't it neat?
( All agree )
Now, everybody pay attention.
Will you pay attention to me? Sure.
JAN: We are, Greg!
Now, come on, really.
Now, when this thing starts
Say! What are these?
BOBBY: They're corn flakes.
White corn flakes?
We sprayed white paint on them.
A dozen boxes.
And a couple of bags
of mashed potato flakes.
Corn flakes and mashed potato flakes?
That's an expensive snowstorm.
Pretty fattening, too.
Come on, everybody, pay attention!
All right, now, it snows, and
Not yet!
You said "snow"!
But I didn't mean "snow." I
All right, look
All right, now, when this starts
the Pilgrims are standing
around the stockade.
Yeah. Right.
Now, you're all unhappy.
You're wondering why you ever came
to this new world. Yeah.
Oh, and, Dad, you're in the stocks.
Me in the stocks?
What'd I do to deserve
to be in the stocks?
You stole food. Shamey, shamey,
shamey! All right, come on now,
The rest of you
you're all going to look cold
and miserable and hungry.
Why don't we just eat the snowflakes?
Dad, this is supposed to be serious.
That reminds me.
I've got lunch in the oven.
Oh, good.
What's for lunch, Alice?
Spaghetti and meatballs. Let's start here.
Oh, boy! Yummy!
KIDS: Mmm!
Come on, everybody,
let's get on with the show!
GREG: Peter!
Will you stop the snow?
Didn't you say "snow"?
I said "show."
Oh, boy!
Greg, calm down.
What's wrong?
I'm trying to make a movie, Dad.
Everybody wants lunch, except this guy.
He wants snow.
I said it. I shouldn't have said it!
I knew it, but I did.
Peter!
Hold the snow!
But Greg said
Never mind. Hold it!
Um
look, Greg, this has
been a long morning,
so couldn't we just do this scene
and then maybe break for lunch?
Everybody take their places, all right?
Dad, you're in the stocks.
Mom, help him in there,
would you, please?
Sure. Okay.
Now remember, I want you
to be cold and miserable
Yeah, we know. Cold,
miserable and hungry.
And don't start till I say, "action."
Okay, now, get ready, here we go.
And action!
( Shivering )
Oh, I'm miserable.
( Shivering )
( Moaning and groaning )
GREG: All right, snow!
Peter snow!
( Shivering )
GREG: Snow!
It's stuck.
Well, fix it!
( Groaning )
MIKE: Well, it's really finished.
You know, I never thought
I'd see this day arrive.
CAROL: Oh, I think this is great.
Greg made titles, and
even put his voice on tape.
Okay, are we ready?
ALL: Yes.
Peter, get the lights.
CAROL: Hurry up. And, kids,
please don't get in front of the screen.
Hold everything!
You can't have a movie without popcorn.
CAROL: Oh, Alice,
you think of everything.
MIKE: Did you salt it?
Watch it! Hey!
GREG: Bobby, sit down.
CAROL: Yeah, stay in your chairs.
Bobby!
I'm sorry.
Here we go.
GREG: Wait till you hear
the narration and music I recorded.
( Dramatic music playing )
( Cheering and applause )
GREG ( on film ): It was
September the 16th, in the year 1620
that the Pilgrims set sail
from England for Virginia.
MIKE: Say, that looks pretty good.
ALICE: That looks real!
GREG ( on film ): They missed Virginia
because, in the middle of the
Atlantic, they ran into storms.
CAROL: Aah!
MIKE: Quite a mishap for the Pilgrims!
GREG ( on film ): But they
persevered and sailed on,
and finally they made it
to the New World.
And, on a stormy day, they first
set foot on Plymouth Rock.
( laughing )
December came, and it was very cold.
Why are we walking so funny?
It's slow motion.
That's very effective, you know that?
GREG: I put in some special effects
like in those real arty movies.
GREG ( on film ): And they didn't
have much shelter, so they got sick.
( No audio )
CAROL ( chuckling): Oh, would you say
I overacted a little?
Oh, well! Yeah!
MIKE: Honey, you're my favorite ham.
And then came a terrible snowstorm.
MIKE: Just call me "quiver lips."
ALICE: I'm quivering right back at you.
( laughing )
They got even sicker
and sicker
and sicker
and sicker
and sicker.
( laughing )
Finally spring came,
and so did the Indians
and so did the Indians.
Squanto and Samoset.
CAROL: Yup. How! How!
The Indians amazed the Pilgrims
by speaking some English.
And the Pilgrims made friends
with the Indians,
and invited them to a feast.
Alice, you know what?
I think I like you better as Alice.
Thank you.
First they gave thanks for
safely reaching the New World.
Then they ate
and ate, and ate, and ate,
and ate and ate.
You look like Henry VIII.
I ate enough turkey.
( laughter )
Then, one day,
it was time for the Mayflower
to sail back to England.
Captain Jones asked
the Pilgrims who had survived
if any wanted to go back with him.
Not one of them did.
He reminded them of
the storms and the Indians.
( No audio )
But they wouldn't go, so he split.
Sails into the sunset.
GREG ( on film ):
And the Mayflower sailed,
leaving the Pilgrims to build
a new country
which they did.
( "Yankee Doodle" playing )
Hooray!
( Cheering )
Hooray!
Good. That's very good.
That was great.
Yay! Yay!
Mom? Dad?
What is it, Greg? What's going on?
That groovy history teacher
gave me an "A" for the movie.
Congratulations. That's great.
She must have liked it, huh?
Well, she didn't think
it was a great movie,
but she sure thought
I showed how tough
it was to be a Pilgrim.
( laughing )
Hi, Mom, Dad.
Hi, honey. Hi, Gregory.
Dad? Something on your mind, son?
We're studying the
American Revolution now.
Hey, that's a very interesting time.
Yeah. Hey, listen, I was thinking
Now, if we hung a lantern
on top of the roof,
it could look like the Old North Church.
You mean a movie about Paul Revere?
And the backyard it could
become the Green at Concord.
Wait a minute, Greg.
And the front porch would
make a great Boston Harbor,
and I could put a lighthouse in it
Well, honey, I guess
if he could film the Pilgrims at Plymouth,
certainly he can film
the ride of Paul Revere.
I know, but what happens next term?
What?
When we have to stage
the whole Civil War.
Oh, bite your tongue.