The Cleaner (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1
You have reached
your final destination.
Owl!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Oh, good. I'm cleaning
a creepy mansion.
Hello?
Anyone there?
Hello? It's just the cleaner.
Hello?
This has got four different
chemicals in it.
One spray of this, you'll have a
face like a plate of surf 'n' turf.
There is no violence in this heart.
You startled me is all.
What's that in your hand?
This is a shard of a Himalayan
rock salt.
The other hand? This is an
indigenous woodwind instrument.
Right. Both could be used
as a weapon,
but I can see you've got no
upper body strength.
None at all. Move forward. Slowly!
Why are you here?
I'm asking the questions.
Sorry, continue.
Why are YOU here?
I am a shaman.
I have been charged with escorting
a soul from purgatory
to a peaceful plain.
What are you, a squatter?
No, I live in a yurt.
Huh, squat in the grass.
Why have you flooded this place
with negative chi?
I'm here to clean.
They told me it'd be empty.
This house is far from empty.
Oh, yeah, I need you today, don't I?
Who requested your presence here?
Don't know. My boss just
sends me to do a job.
Probably why I wasn't warned
there was an extra
from Lord Of The Rings here.
Who are you?
I am Dan Mancoocoomum.
What?
Dan Mancoocoomum.
That's your name?
Yeah. Dan Mancoocoomum.
And that's on your passport, is it?
Similar.
That's not your real name, is it?
Reality is merely a construct.
What's on your birth certificate?
Dan Watson. Jackpot.
Something to refresh before
your journey home. Eh?
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I can't work with
a cynical presence.
You'll have to leave.
Now, you listen to me.
I am going to clean. A homeless
person died here, right?
A lost soul took shelter here, yes.
He needs help crossing from
this temporal strife
to a place where time is
meaningless.
For that, he'll need more
than a cleaner.
A crime scene cleaner.
Hmm. Why am I justifying myself
to you, fox head? Who sent you here?
The new owners engaged me to guide
this spirit to his rest.
Maybe I'm just overtired.
Maybe I'm imagining you.
What the?
What is that? Mugwort.
Mate, that is the worst thing I've
ever put in my mouth.
And I was runner-up in a
welk-eating contest.
FYI, the winner died.
Finish the tea.
And then leave the cleaning to those
with a higher purpose.
Look, I don't need this, mate.
Before the day even started,
I crashed my van cos
I hit an owl, so
Wait. Did you just say an owl?
Yes.
You should leave.
Stop doing that.
You clearly don't know the
significance
of a collision with an owl.
No, I don't.
Because they didn't offer
GCSE Horseshit when I was at school.
What became of it?
What? I don't know.
It smashed off the windscreen,
I presume it's dead.
Sort of bounced off.
Bounced?
You have to go back.
Yeah, I do. To get my stuff.
You must locate the owl.
It must not be left in pain.
You have to finish it.
What?!
You go back if you're so keen on
roadkill mercy.
It's probably how you got your hat.
Go and get yourself
an owl glove as well.
I'll clean up while you're gone.
No, I can't leave this place
until my work here is done. Right.
So you get to sit around sipping
hot mystic piss
while I go and murder an owl
with a shovel.
I didn't say anything
about a shovel.
The most humane thing
to do would be
It's an owl, mate.
I'll be there all day.
Gross.
Well, that's going in a skip
for a start.
No physical objects may leave
this space. Eh?
Look, how long do you need?
Depends. Right, best-case scenario.
20 mins. Oh, worst?
21 days.
OK. Enough.
I am not going to hang around while
you dance around the room
with your nads out, or whatever
it is you do.
You've got the time it takes me
to go back to the van.
Oooooohhh!
Yes, please! Yes, please! Yes,
please! Yes, please! Yes, please!
Meow!
I'm sorry. There's nothing funny
about ushering the spirits of
the dead
to their final place of rest.
There are some funny things
about it.
I'm going back to the van.
Chant and click faster.
Hey! Sacred sage from the
Mojave Desert.
And? For your van.
Mate, it needs a mechanic
and a panel beater, not a
..big herb. Burn the sage.
Extinguish despair,
and chant these words.
Hey-ey-ey-ey, mingala.
You may then drive your
van once more.
It's a traditional wolf chant.
Is it?
Do you see this?
Yeah, I've noticed it.
Foxes are a conduit to wisdom.
Foxes wake me up by
shagging in bins.
Come on. Go on!
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!
Hey, mingala.
Hey, hey, mingala.
Hey, hey, mingala.
Shut up!
# Sweet like chocolate, boy
# Sweet like chocolate
# You bring me so much joy
# Sweet like chocolate #
Oh, that's funny.
I could've sworn I heard
Sweet Like Chocolate
by Shanks & Bigfoot.
Your van started, didn't it? Look
Are you done, or what?
I need to get on.
Don't fight it, feel it.
Mate, I don't want to be here
all night.
I have a spiritual conduit to build.
I'll leave you to potter around
in the shallow waters of
human consciousness.
Hmm. Who said that?
Was it Shanks or Bigfoot?
Your sadness is a heavy
burden to carry.
You are so smug.
What did you have for breakfast,
did you have a bowl of
..smug? Hmm.
Ah! Smug of coffee.
Yeah!
No!
And what are you going
to do with them?
Liberate them.
If you take their earthly life,
you condemn them to
a spiritual halfway house.
I need to get on, mate.
I trust you will bury this
little one. Yeah, yeah.
What's that?
A lemongrass root.
Have a Penguin, mate,
for God's sake.
Do you get paid for all this, then?
Money is meaningless to me.
Yes, I'm sure.
Go on, tell me. I'll tell you.
£450.
What?!
For that?
Are you joking?!
How much do you get paid?
I'm not telling you.
But more, because it's real.
You're irritated by people
with an alternative
belief system, aren't you?
Look, I'm sorry, mate.
I just think it's all made up.
By who?
By people who need to believe it.
Chatted to any ghosts yet?
Perhaps you might believe
your own eyes.
Perhaps I should make contact.
With a spooky tramp?
He is one of the spirits here.
Let us see whom can be summoned.
Is that the homeless guy?
Is that him, in the photo?
That is a photograph of
the deceased.
I sometimes find it can help
speed up connection.
Yeah, I know that problem.
My Wi-Fi slows down after ten
because the neighbour's watching
conspiracy theory videos.
We share the same router.
I'm stealing my neighbour's
internet.
Do you know,
I've never admitted that before.
Maybe you are magic.
Hello.
Would you like to come through?
Oh, come on.
Hello, duck.
Muriel here.
I was a housekeeper here in 1872.
Hard work, it was.
The mangle broke and, you see, the
rollers weren't as close together
as they should've been and they
didn't wring out the water
as much as they should have.
Told the master,
but he said I'd have to make do.
Anyway, nice talking to you.
Ta-ra.
Thanks, Muriel. Goodbye.
Is that it?
Muriel came from the spirit world
just to tell you about her knackered
mangle from 150 years ago?
Clearly it still rankles.
Mate, I've got to get on.
# Three blind mice
# Three blind mice. #
Hello, who's there?
This is Sebastian.
I'm the third and youngest son of
Clarence and Julie.
Julie? For God's sake.
Yes, Mummy.
She was very upset when I got TB.
I had to go to the sanatorium
for a while, but they could do
no more for me.
So I had to come back here
for my final days.
- Sebastian?
- Yes.
Do you see that light?
Yes, it's very bright, isn't it?
Yes, Sebastian.
Now, I need you to walk
towards that light
and then you will be reunited
with your mummy.
Oh, I see. That's very nice.
Thanks a lot. All the best.
Goodbye.
Mate, can I hire you?
The lads down the pub
would love this.
I've got to get on.
Ooh. If my nan swings by,
can you ask her where the keys
to the garage are?
I want to get that mower sold.
I've just received a message
from the other side.
You shouldn't be here. Oh.
This has got to stop.
You're a negative presence.
The owl was a sign.
I should've known.
Look, mate. The game's up.
I know you're not a shaman.
I heard you listening to
Sweet Like Chocolate
by Shanks & Bigfoot.
Can't a shaman enjoy
Shanks & Bigfoot?
What are you doing?
Your aura.
Please stop sniffing my aura.
It bears the heavy stench of regret.
You distress the spirits
in this place.
If you are to stay,
I must cleanse you.
What do you need to do?
Using my hands on your body,
I will deliver good energy
while simultaneously
extracting any negative vibrations.
Like reiki.
Yeah, it is. It is a bit like reiki.
Right. This way?
Close your eyes.
Is this too intimate?
Just get on with it.
You've had your appendix out.
I have, actually.
You can just sense that?
Sh, sh, sh, sh.
Someone doesn't want you here.
Yeah, me. I don't want me here.
Keith.
Welcome, Keith.
Who are you talking to?
I don't know anyone called Keith.
Is that Keith Patterson?
Hang on!
I do know someone called
Keith Patterson.
From when I was a kid.
From school? Yeah.
That's Keith!
Keith's the dead homeless guy.
Weasel's put you up to this.
This is a wind-up.
Keith says he remembers
you from school.
But that you didn't call him
Keith Patterson then.
Oh, no.
He used to wet himself all the time,
so we called him Pissy Patterson.
Peepee Patterson.
Urine Geller. Slash.
The Lemonade-Trousered Kid.
Milk, milk, lemonade, around the
corner, Patterson's pissed himself.
Wee Willie Tinkle.
Duck-billed platy-piss.
Pissy Hynde. Packet of pissps.
Quentin Pissp.
Father Pissmas. Sh.
Piss Akabusi.
Henry Pissinger.
Packet of custard cream piss-cuits.
I just made that one up.
Why did you bait the child so?
Oh. I don't know, we just
This is ridiculous.
As if you're speaking to him.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Just really sad, innit?
What happens in some people's lives.
Did you know him a long time?
Yeah. I was at schools with him,
he was even in my Cub pack.
He was a big fan of Shakin' Stevens.
Good friends?
With Shaky?
I've never met him.
I think he lives in Wales.
Ah, he was a good lad.
Used to get into fits of giggles.
We'd tickle him and make him laugh
and he'd go off like a soda stream.
The last thing I remember was
we were in a school production of
The Wizard Of Oz together.
I was the Scarecrow
and he was the Tinman.
Keith was really nervous.
And Matt Bainbridge, who was the
Cowardly Lion,
he was trying to make him laugh,
you know?
"Pull my finger," and all that.
Well, that's when it started.
It was just a trickle at first.
But then it got stronger and louder.
You can imagine in that costume.
I mean, it was made of tin.
It sounded like someone was
filling a watering can up.
All the kids started
laughing, and
..Keith stopped.
Laughing?
And pissing.
Now it all makes sense.
What makes sense?
The negative energy, I told you.
If you died and were trying to
cross to the other side,
would you want to do it in front of
the man who routinely
humiliated you?
Poor Keith Patterson.
Keith, Keith Patterson?
Is that you?
Stop it. He's here.
He wants to speak to you.
Well, good luck with that,
because I remember exactly
how he speaks.
High-pitched voice and a lisp.
Off you go.
He says he doesn't want
to talk through me.
Oh, really?
He's shy. A shy ghost?
You've got some front,
I'll give you that.
Is your name Paul Wickstead?
Yes.
Oh. Well done for being
able to read.
Wicky.
He says you preferred
to be called Wicky?
I never told you that. He did.
Bloody hell. He says
"How would you like to have been
known as the piss-trict nurse?"
I'd forgotten that one.
It is a good one, isn't it?
You lit a touchpaper that led to a
life of problems.
No! I'm afraid so, Wicky.
Come, talk to him.
Keith, I No.
To him.
Keith, we
I thought we were just
having a laugh.
Because you were always laughing.
I didn't really stop to think how
it made you feel.
It was wrong.
Oh, God. Even putting that cowpat
under your pillow at Cub camp.
He says he didn't know about
the cowpat. Damn it!
But that he forgives you.
For everything.
He says he'd really like you to
attend his funeral.
Oh, OK, I can do that.
And he'd really like you
to organise the wake.
He'd like a party at his
homeless shelter.
Sorry, what? He says he'd like
a big send-off with all his friends.
White tablecloths,
candles on the tables. OK.
A free bar.
Is that a good idea at
a homeless shelter?
And a Shakin' Stevens tribute act.
OK.
Can you tell him I'll do my best?
And also Oh, sorry.
He said he's got to go now,
actually.
Yeah, but could you just tell him
Yeah, sorry. Keith!
Keith?
Walk towards the light.
If you have to go, go.
It's better now than on the journey.
Yeah, if you can hold it.
OK.
There you go.
And you're through.
What What happened?
Just a bit of cramp.
Oh, yeah.
So, you're all right for the 16th?
Yeah.
No, I'm going to get Mervyn to do
one of his curries.
Yeah, yeah. I want white
tablecloths, candles, the lot.
All right. Nice one.
Ta-ra.
All right? You're off, then? Yeah.
Going to meet some friends. Right.
What, at Stonehenge, or something?
Zizzi's.
Shamans have to eat. Oh.
And he definitely got through, yeah?
Keith is at peace now. Mm.
It was nice to meet you, Paul.
Wicky. Wicky.
Nice to meet you, Dan Watson.
Sweet Like Chocolate
by Shanks & Bigfoot
# You're sweet like chocolate, boy
# Sweet like chocolate #
# You bring me so much joy
# Sweet like chocolate #
Hello, duck.
It's Muriel here.
This is Sebastian.
I've got TB.
I'm the third and youngest son of
Clarence and Julie.
Is that Keith Patterson?
He says you preferred to
be called Wicky?
You Drive Me Crazy
by Shakin' Stevens
# You know, baby,
when you're in my arms
# I can feel
your loving magic charms
# You drive me crazy
# You drive me crazy
# And when I'm looking in those eyes
# I start a-floating
round in paradise
# You drive me crazy
# You drive me crazy #
# I love you, baby,
and it's plain to see
# I love you, honey
It was meant to be
# You drive me crazy
# You drive me crazy
# You drive me crazy
# You drive me crazy. #