Twisted Metal (2023) s02e04 Episode Script

1
I'm hosting a tournament.
And I invite
the best drivers to compete.
[GROANING]
- John?
- Quiet?
DOLLFACE: We call ourselves The Dolls.
The divide between
insiders and outsiders
grows by the day.
I'm entering the tournament.
I'm gonna wish to bring down
all the city walls.
It's bad out here, John.
And it's getting worse.
MAN: This monster's after me. Who is he?
My best friend!
Unfortunately, you missed
every major organ on his body.
STU: When you're the last survivor,
everyone will know
Sweet Tooth is the best.
Look, I was thinking, come with me.
- You're lucky I'm available.
- Ah!
DOLLFACE: I heard you
and Quiet make quite the team.
JOHN DOE: Just like old times.
John and I are gonna take a detour.
[SCREAMING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
I'm Mayhem.
You're looking at the best driver
- on the West Coast.
- Prove it.
You don't have a goddamn clue
what you're doing.
MAYHEM: What the hell is that?
This wasn't on the final exam!
DOLLFACE: If you two are gonna win,
you're gonna need some special weapons.
And the most overpowered specials
can only be found in Diesel City.
That's cool, but we don't
have any money.
We're gonna steal them.
[♪]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
You wanna steal a bunch of
weapons out of this place?
Looks like you're gonna
need a plan to do that.
Good thing I've got one.
So here's the deal.
The cardinal rule
of Diesel City is no violence.
Dozens of snipers in there
make sure of that.
You die, it's from their bullet.
Diesel City is for buyers only.
So whatever gas you bring
is swapped out for an in-house currency.
And while the bazaar
has got a whole slew
of fine-ass weaponry,
the most lethal ordnance can be found
deep in the Emperor's inner sanctum,
locked away in a vault
and for good reason,
these are game changers,
S-tier special weapons, the nasty shit.
MAYHEM: They have an emperor here? Sick.
DOLLFACE: The biggest hurdle
will be opening up the vault.
The switch that controls the door
is way up there in the crow's nest.
So how do we get into the inner sanctum?
DOLLFACE: Only the highest
paying customers are allowed.
And the people with the most money
are the representative
from the insider cities.
I think the official term
is a gaggle of fucknuts.
You blend in with them,
get yourself a lanyard,
boom, you're in.
I'll take the lead on this one.
Really? You?
Yeah, me.
I used to live with insiders.
I know how their brain works.
Do you even know
what an hors d'oeuvres is?
And you won't believe
how they spell that shit.
Listen, how are we going to blend in?
I mean, we're filthy.
I don't even know whose blood this is.
Here you go.
Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit reporting for duty.
Okay, so while you two
look for the vault,
I'll sneak up to the crow's nest
and get the door open.
You have 30 minutes
to get your asses there.
20 minutes, yeah.
What? 30 minutes.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
You got to be in and out, okay?
Mayhem, you'll stay back here.
Shit goes sideways,
we might need a getaway driver.
Oh, hell yeah!
I'll totally drive us
the fuck out of here.
She ready for this?
Yes.
Keys, bitch!
- [KEYS JINGLE]
- Thank you.
Okay.
You two ready to debut
the new spring collection?
MAYHEM: Wow.
You look like a loose turd.
Goddamn.
We good?
Yeah, we're good.
DOLLFACE: All right, let's go.
Bye. Don't die in there.
Offerings for the Emperor?
[SNIFFS]
20 pieces each.
Welcome to Diesel City,
where commerce is created
and conflict is not tolerated.
Happy shopping.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Remember, vault door, 30 minutes.
JOHN DOE: That's a bold choice.
QUIET: Knights of Nebraska.
I heard they took over Topeka
and then killed
what was left of the law.
Guess they can wear whatever
funny fucking hats they want.
So this is Diesel City.
Ho-ly shit.
- Eight for all of these?
- MERCHANT: Mmm-hmm.
And if you're interested, I'm
running a sale on .40 caliber.
SWEET TOOTH: Hey, they got
grenades. Can we have some?
We have grenades in the truck.
No, but these ones have
little metal pieces in them.
I'll never ask for anything again.
Not this time. Thank you.
I know you're excited,
but you need to calm down
a little bit, okay?
Remember, this is about
us winning the tournament,
not about you buying whatever you want.
I do want to win the tournament.
Exactly. And these bullets I got us,
they're armor piercing.
- Pretty sweet, huh?
- Yeah, I guess.
Trust me, you're going
to have plenty of toys
to play with. Okay?
See, that's why I like
working with you, Stu.
You do the premeditating.
I do the murder.
Speaking of, I know killing is
a big no-no around here,
but I'm pretty sure
I can get away with it.
I mean, it can't be that hard.
MERCHANT: Stop, thief!
- [GUNSHOT]
- [GRUNTS]
Oh, shit.
SWEET TOOTH: Oh! [LAUGHING]
Woo! Way to go!
You really misted that guy.
Oh, man, whew!
See, that's why you gotta behave.
They're always watching.
Where there's a willing clown,
there's a way to murder.
Know what I'm saying?
Look, why don't you go pick out
something special for the tournament?
Here you go.
Get whatever you want,
so long as it's useful.
Okay? Have fun.
And no murder.
Sure thing, Stu.
[LAUGHING]
[♪]
[BUZZER]
Okay. We need to get some
lanyards without a fight.
Any ideas?
No.
Oh, way to take the lead.
Here comes some insiders. Okay.
Guess I'm gonna have to
pull out the big guns.
Hello, boys.
Oh, you can't be serious.
Look, you're
you're a cute chick, Quiet,
but you look like you're trying
to push out a fart right now,
[LAUGHING]
What are you doing here anyways?
You're supposed to be in the car.
Well, I'm helping your awkward asses.
- That's what I'm doing.
- QUIET: Oh, shit.
JOHN DOE: Oh, where'd you get those?
Well, I asked nicely,
and they just gave them to me.
- What do you think?
- QUIET: Not bad.
Good pull, May.
No. No way. This guy
doesn't even look like me.
- He wears glasses.
- Oh. Got you covered, chief.
[SIGHS]
This isn't gonna work.
Huh, how is everything
so crisp and clear?
What are you talking about?
You know how the world
is usually blurry?
With these, it
Well, you got to try these.
Like, have your eyes
always been that color?
Well, I've done my job.
Hey, your job is getaway driver.
You're going back to the car, right?
Oh, yeah. Definitely.
Glasses.
They're working.
Welcome back, Mr. Davis.
Yeah, of course.
Ms. Tomaso.
And good tidings to you
from the fine people of Spokane.
Sure, whatever
Spokane go bragh.
Okay.
[BUZZER]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
JOHN DOE: We can tell Mayhem
we found Fucknut Island.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Oh, look, drinks.
Oh, hey, this flavor is intoxicating.
- Oh, damn, that is sweet.
- Mmm-hmm.
Usually that means it's full of booze.
[GASPING] Oh, yeah, it is.
There's His Highness.
Yeah, so someone actually,
like, killed my lube guy.
It's crazy. Like, who'd kill
an essential worker?
I bet the vault's behind there.
So rude.
Okay, let's just lay low
- and make our way over.
- All right.
- Just, you know, blend in.
- Okay.
[♪]
Looking like we got a couple bogeys.
And now we have got to go, right now.
Go, go, go, go, go. Abort.
Well, well, well.
Where the fuck do you think
you're going?
So, what exactly are you two up to?
Top of the morning to you, sir.
- I'm Deb from Spokane.
- I can see your badge.
Yeah, I'm-I'm Rick,
but you can call me, uh,
Big Rick from Kirkland.
Yummy.
You know, I've never heard
a Spokane accent before.
It's fucking hideous!
I love it. [LAUGHING]
Stupid accent.
So what I want to know is,
what are you guys doing here together?
Kirkland and Spokane
haven't had diplomatic relations
since the manure conflict.
Trying to turn my little
weapons market soiree
into a peace summit, are we?
Oi, that we are, sir.
- Guilty.
- [LAUGHING]
Oh, really?
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
How is Kirkland
since the whole sabotage?
Uh, we're maintaining.
Poisoning their drinking water
with laxatives was genius.
Break their sewers,
fill their hospitals,
make them feel dirty for once.
Girl, Spokane don't play! [LAUGHING]
No, no, no!
Aye, we almost killed those bastards
- and their wings.
- [LAUGHING]
Hmm. Is that even you?
[SPUTTERS AND CHUCKLES]
JOHN DOE: Uh
Looks like someone benefited
from those laxatives.
- Right?
- [ALL LAUGHING]
Diarrhea looks great on you.
[GRUNTS]
He's still, uh, full of shite, though.
[LAUGHING]
Deb. I love Deb.
You know, it's so funny.
I can't understand
a fucking word you're saying,
but this whole
lovers from different towns,
Romeo and Juliet bullshit
gets me rock fucking hard.
[LAUGHING] Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to go prepare
for the main event.
Enjoy the auction.
Stay hydrated.
That was too fucking close.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
- [SIGHS]
Mmm!
Ooh, banana-berry.
- That's fucking yum, dude.
- Amazing.
Mmm!
15 coins for one missile?
That's highway robbery.
I can give you, uh, 12.
12? 12 is an insult.
Stu! Stuart!
Ta-da!
Hey, I need some of those coins back.
Sorry, fresh out.
This thing is gorgeous, right?
It's real velvet. Touch it.
You spent all of our money,
the money we need for actual
weapons, on a stupid cape?
Watch this.
- Hey, what are you
- [BONES CRACK]
Shit!
I killed two other yo-yos
like that the same way.
- No one even noticed.
- Unbelievable.
Even when we have a plan,
you still just do
whatever you want to do.
I don't think you understand.
I am investing in history,
because this cape
belonged to Count Dracula!
No way that's true.
The vendor I bought this from
was a learned man,
not a chance he would lie to me.
Regardless if it was owned by a Dracula,
the point is, I asked you
one thing, one simple thing
BURLY GUARD:
You need to come with us, sir.
What? Why?
Sweet Tooth, a little help.
Sweet Tooth!
Catch you later, Stu!
Count Sweet Tooth is on the hunt.
Is he still looking at us?
JOHN DOE: Yeah.
Look, there's only 15 minutes left.
Let's just scope out
what we want out of the vault.
Like this, Ghost Missiles.
I wonder if they can go through walls.
Every missile goes through walls.
Hmm. How about this?
Boomerang Blast.
Don't tell me they come back to you.
Oh, that would be so useless.
Don't be so quick to discount
the Boomerang Blast.
It's more difficult to master, yes,
but it is one of our
more lethal options.
It feels like ease of use
would be sorta key there.
A lady who knows what she wants.
If you prefer something a bit simpler,
may I suggest the Napalm Cones?
These rockets deploy liquid napalm.
They can melt an outsider's skin
in seven seconds flat.
I'm assuming this is for
perimeter defense, yes?
Oi, of course.
AUCTION HOST: New San Francisco
just implemented this system
and is very pleased with the results.
They cleared out an entire encampment
of pedestrians near their gates
lickety split.
The smell will go away eventually.
That's fucked up, man.
[LAUGHING] It is, isn't it?
Oh, thank you so much, sir.
Keep it together.
The people outside the walls
are just trying to hang on.
This guy's talking about them
like they're roaches.
Every city has weapons like this now.
Every one.
Keeping people out isn't enough anymore.
They want them gone.
I know people
on the inside, guards, even.
And they don't say anything
about stuff like this.
Yeah. You think they would tell you?
Fuck them and fuck this.
We're taking them all down.
The system, the walls, all of it.
[GLASS CLINKING]
Okay, chin chin.
Everybody wrap up your biz,
and we will announce the winners
after playtime.
- Everybody follow me!
- [CHEERING AND WHOOPING]
Come on, you little rats.
Come to your Pied Piper. [LAUGHING]
Playtime?
DOLLFACE: Hey, studs.
[GRUNTING]
SWEET TOOTH: Mind if I cape in?
[GRUNTING]
[PANTING]
DOLLFACE: Uh, thanks.
Well, thank you.
Never killed with a lady before,
masked or otherwise. I'm
Sweet Tooth. I know.
Ah, finally someone gets it.
It would be my honor
to kill alongside you.
DOLLFACE: Whatever.
Oh, I like her.
[MUTED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
I'll take your coats.
Thank you, my good man.
Wear these.
One vulture, one holy man.
Are you leaving your bottoms on?
BOTH: Yeah.
Suit yourselves, weirdos.
- [LOUD MUSIC]
- [PEOPLE MOANING]
FEMALE PARTYGOER: You like that, honey?
MALE PARTYGOER: Uh-huh.
MALE ADMIRER:
Give me the package, milkman.
[LAUGHTER]
You love being
on the outside, don't you?
Dirty little outsiders.
Yes, play your roles,
you holy men, you butchers.
Revel in your lawlessness,
you nasty little vultures.
And remember, no pleasure
is forbidden on the outside.
Hello, Mr. Holy Man.
I'm a ripe little trash boy.
Rip me open.
I understand role playing,
man, but I'll pass.
You look awful thirsty.
How about a cup of freshly squeezed ass?
I've had my share of
trash ass for today. Thanks.
Shoulders, Pantalaimon.
- This way.
- [YELPS]
Our vulture nest was raided last week.
- Excuse me?
- And it's all your fault.
Now you have to pay the price in skin.
Oh! Um, no, no, no thank you.
Oh, look, a holy man!
Oh, my skin is his prisoner now. Sorry.
- She was kind of hot, right?
- Yes, absolutely.
Just trying a little too hard, you know?
- [MOANING]
- FEMALE PARTYGOER: Harder!
His Majesty is looking at us.
Just, you know, play along.
- [GRUNTING]
- Sell it.
Oh, yeah, I'm an outsider.
I deserve to be on all fours
like a bad, bad doggy.
- [BARKS]
- Yeah.
I'm a dirty doggy boy, too.
[GRUNTING AND PANTING]
[WHISPERS] Missionary.
[♪]
FEMALE PARTYGOER:
Oh, don't stop, don't stop!
[MOANING AND PANTING]
This is really bad on the knees.
QUIET: Yeah, that's
what I've been saying.
[HORNS BLOWING]
And now a treat.
I looked around Diesel City today
for the crudest, sweatiest,
most deliciously desperate
outsider I could find.
And then I brought him back here
so we could punish him
- with pleasure.
- [CHEERING AND WHOOPING]
Ladies and gentlemen,
behold your King of Dirt.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Have you guys tested out this machine?
They're distracted. Let's move!
John!
It's me, Stu.
It calls itself Stu.
- [PARTYGOERS MOANING]
- Stu. Stu. Stu.
Oh, this is a sex thing?
Did I win a contest or something?
Stu. Stu.
Stu, Stu, Stu.
[♪]
QUIET: Just a few lasers
between us and the weapons.
JOHN DOE: Not just lasers. Shit.
We're cutting it close.
Allow me.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, shit.
[GRUNTING]
[CHOKING]
[SQUELCHING AND GURGLING]
Oh. Fuck yeah. Coming.
SWEET TOOTH: Hey, hey,
you ever had a footlong?
I mean, it's not just more dog.
See, the ratio of bun to dog
varies the flavor
in a very specific way.
DOLLFACE: Fascinating.
SWEET TOOTH: Yeah, I think so, too.
[DOLLFACE SIGHS]
And you're coming in, I guess.
SWEET TOOTH: Um, so-so are you
normally a solo assassin,
or is this, like, a special occasion?
DOLLFACE: I do what it takes.
Oh, cool. Real go-getter, cool.
Just like myself.
Have you ever maybe
considered teaming up?
I mean, obviously I'm spoken for,
but I don't know, I might be convinced
to maybe take on a third.
HVAC, water Wait.
EMP?
They've got an electromagnetic
pulse generator?
DOLLFACE: Killing electricity on
demand could be a game changer.
Especially at a tournament.
- I call dibs.
- Finders keepers.
Losers weepers. [GRUNTS]
JOHN DOE: Shit, they got
a lot of lasers.
This one's on me.
[♪]
[GRUNTING]
[♪]
["WHAT IS LOVE" BY HADDAWAY PLAYING]
What is love
Baby don't hurt me
[GRUNTING]
Don't hurt me No more ♪
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me No more ♪
[GRUNTING]
What is love
[BEEPING]
Yeah
[GRUNTING]
Ooh, ooh ♪
Hey, get your thumb outta there!
[BUZZER]
I give you my love
And you don't care ♪
What is right
What is wrong
Give me a sign
What is love
[SQUEALING]
[ELECTRICAL HUMMING]
Don't hurt me No more ♪
What about the weapons?
Dollface said we have to be in and out.
I'll be done in two and a half.
[MOANING]
Don't hurt me No more ♪
[SPARKING AND WHOOSHING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh-whoa, whoa
[DOOR BANGING]
[THUDDING AND BUZZING]
[GRUNTS]
Oh-whoa, whoa ♪
Uh-huh
[♪]
Wait! Where are your glasses?
- Is that better?
- Oh, my God!
[♪]
I don't know What can I do ♪
What else can I say It's up to you ♪
I know we're one Just me and you ♪
I can't go on
What is love
[PANTING] Damn.
How the hell do you get
out of this place?
No more ♪
What is love ♪
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me No more ♪
[PANTING]
No more sex. I'm depleted.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Holy shit.
Holy shit! Jackpot!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh-whoa, whoa, uh-huh
What is love ♪
[GRUNTING] And stay down!
[GRUNTING]
Who wears a fucking cape?
Damn, kid.
SWEET TOOTH: Curse this
high quality velvet!
[YELPS]
[ALARM BLARING]
- [SWEET TOOTH GROANS]
- Mayhem, heads up!
Run, you little psycho!
[GRUNTING]
Masked lady!
MALE PARTYGOER: Hey! What's happening?
- MAN: Is that an alarm?
- Halt!
What have you got there, Stu?
You dare steal from me
after I gave you the gift of flesh?
- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- Kill him.
You didn't fuck me.
I fucked you.
- [GUNFIRE]
- [SCREAMING]
[PANTING]
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- The alarm!
- Uh-huh.
Oh, my God, we gotta go.
Did you finish?
We really got to go.
JOHN DOE: Where are all the weapons?
Where are our clothes?
BOTH: Fuck!
This is what I get
for trying to collaborate.
Get out of my way. [GRUNTS]
CITIZEN 1: Someone got attacked.
GUARD: Snipers down!
RIOTER 1: Grab everything!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND FIGHTING]
[GROWLING]
This is my kind of party!
- Sorry!
- Excuse me, sorry.
[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
[WHIMPERING]
Come on! It's fucking cold in here.
[GRUNTING]
[GUNFIRE]
- SWEET TOOTH: You!
- DOLLFACE: Oh, hell yeah.
Giddyup, bitch.
Oh, where the fuck is Mayhem?
[ENGINE REVVING]
Where the hell have you been?
That doesn't really seem like
the most important question
to be asking right now.
Looking good, guys.
May, you take Shrapnel.
I've got my own pony.
Yee-haw, Kit-Kat!
[ENGINE REVVING]
Hey! Who's that bloody guy?
Drew.
Drew? Drew!
Hey, Stu, you look kinda different.
I killed them. I killed them all.
You mean, like dead-dead?
Yeah. It was awesome.
I knew you could do it, Stu.
Gosh, I'm proud of you.
Can't believe I missed it.
It's okay. I got you
a consolation prize.
Okay, okay. Calm down, Stu.
Yeah. Yeah.
Napalm cones? My favorite!
Stu, remember this day,
for on this day
you had your first massacre.
You became a man,
and this was your gore mitzvah.
Tell me everything.
I also had a lot of sex.
Gross. I don't want
to hear about any of that.
Decorum!
How did you get an EMP?
All we got was armor piercing bullets
and missiles that come back to you.
I mean, that's not all you got.
Ugh, you're nasty.
What can I say? We make a good team.
That we do.
I hope it's enough
to win the tournament.
I'm not sure it is.
Ever since I met you guys,
I've seen a car man,
A weird grim reaper biker dude,
and a killer clown.
You're going to need someone
to watch your back,
which is why I'm entering, too.
What about the Dolls?
The Dolls have their orders.
Think about it. Roadkill is fast.
You take the lead. I set up the EMP.
Boom! No more competition.
We race to the finish and make our wish.
And it ends before it even starts.
MAYHEM: And in Shrapnel
I'll be fucking unstoppable.
Also, do we have any T.P.?
- Yeah, got some in the car.
- MAYHEM: Thank you!
Uh-huh. Hold tight.
Tell me again about the cabin.
[SCOFFS] You know
I've never been there, right?
I know. Just
You know, tell me anyway. Make it up.
[SIGHS]
- The air is sweet.
- Hmm.
At night all you can hear
are the owls and
stars as far as the eye can see.
- QUIET: Kind of like now.
- JOHN DOE: Yeah.
[♪]
Tournament starts tomorrow.
You think we'll win?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]