8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e05 Episode Script

1
Previously on 8 simple rules.
- Yeah, this is Mrs. Hennessy.
-Mom?
- My my keys! Where are my keys?
- Mom? -Oh my God!
-This wasn't supposed
to happen, Mom.
Not now. Not now.
Not at forty-six.
-He was supposed to be
back in ten minutes.
He was running a stupid errand.
He was supposed to be back..
..and he was taking us to school.
8 SIMPLE RULES ♪
-It was a day I’ll
never forget. It was
just me and the
'Splendid Splinter.'
I drove him around
the entire base.
- Wow.
-Hand me those pliers, son.
Hey, what happened
to the mitt there?
Did you punch something?
- No.
-I burned it on a casserole dish.
-Okay.
Did you know the bathroom is the
most important room in the house?
It is. It's the only place a man
can find complete solitude.
- What about women?
- Pssh women.
Women just don't get it.
Oh, they go in and
they do their, well,
you know bathroom stuff, but
us men, it's our sanctuary.
Now the women,
they’re more communal.
They go to the bathroom together.
Do you believe that?
Together!
You know, us men,
we’re solitary beasts.
Yeah, we like our alone time.
And we sure as heck wouldn’t
pick this wallpaper.
-Actually this kinda
was my dad's real office.
If he had a deadline
he'd be in here for hours.
Every once in awhile,
Mom would knock on
the door to make
sure he ‘didn't fall in'.
-You see?, Your dad got it.
Yeah, it used to be a
man's home was his castle,
and slowly women just took
it away and took it away
and we’re down to
this one little room.
Well, it's all yours now.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, certainly.
It only stands to reason.
-I'm kinda mad at him, Gramps.
-Yeah, I know. I know, Rory.
It's okay.
It’s a lot to try to
make sense of.
Hand me those
needle-nose pliers.
-Hey, guys oh, that’s so sweet.
Um, can I just change in here.
-Mom, Fred Doyle
is planning on having
dinner with Dad
and Jesus in heaven?
-Come on.
It's a nice thought.
-Yeah, but Dad spent three years
avoiding the Doyles'
family barbecue.
How's he gonna
get out of that one?
-I mean, Dad's a
terrible liar and Jesus
is gonna be sitting
like, right there.
-Yeah, and Fred going
on about the differences
between electric and gas
powered weed whackers.
Like Jesus isn't gonna wanna
back out of that dinner.
I'm so proud of you guys.
I can’t imagine going through a
day like this without you kids.
-Maybe if Dad had looked in the
drawer and saw the batteries
he wouldn't have gone
to the store and then.
-Kerry, Care Bear,
don't drive yourself crazy
going over and over everything.
No one can control what happened.
-God, Mom, you are so strong.
-Oh, no, trust me I fall
apart when nobody’s looking.
-The last words I said
to Dad was ‘I hate you.
-Oh, honey.
-He wouldn't let me borrow his
stupid car and I
said, ‘I hate you.'
I had my Dad,
and the last words I
ever said to him
were 'I hate you.
-Oh, baby, I think those were the
first words you said to him also.
It's okay.
He knew how much you
loved him no question.
-My last words
were an insult, too.
He was wearing his Michigan
sweatshirt with chinos,
and I said there
weren't enough queer
eyes in all of San
Francisco to help him.
Well, I sent him to
the store for milk.
So, the last thing
he heard out of me
was ‘blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.'
You know what his
last words were to me?
- What?
- 'Hasta la vista, baby.'
Such a cornball.
You know, he would say anything.
He didn’t care how silly he was.
He just wanted to make us laugh.
I am really gonna miss that.
So, somebody’s
gonna have to take
up the cornball
slack around here.
-I vote Rory.
You know what
I'm gonna miss about Dad?
Those bogus pancakes
he used to make.
God, it was like eating
Tupperware covers.
- They were so awful.
-Pancake mix and water,
how do you mess that up?
-Well, if they’re so
terrible why’d you eat them?
Same reason you did.
-It made him happy.
You hear that, Dad?
Our secret's out.
-I never ate the pancakes.
Oh, come here, honies, Come here.
-Oh, I love you.
-I love you.
Gramp?
- Yeah?
-What was your dad like?
Well, my dad, well, you’re
great-granddad,
was a businessman.
He owned a haberdashery.
- Habi.. what?
A men’s store.
He sold suits and hats.
- Baseball hats?
- No.
No, not baseball hats.
Bowlers, fedoras, derbies.
You know, beautiful hats that
you tipped at young ladies
and wore over your heart when
they played the National Anthem.
Yeah; Hats were the
cornerstone of civilization.
Only savages didn't wear hats.
-Were you close with your dad?
-Eh, it was a different time.
My dad wasn't
always a a happy man.
They said it was because
of his job. It didn't fit.
A man’s job has
to fit his spirit.
Now, your dad's job was
a perfect fit for his spirit.
-I don't know, he was always
so mad when he was writing.
-Rory, do you know what I do now?
-Gram says eat, sleep and drink
and drive without your glasses.
You gotta love her.
Rory, I build birdhouses.
And while I'm building
them I'm banging
my knuckles, and
cutting my hands
and cussing, and throwing things.
Then about a month later some
beautiful finch or
waxwing moves in
and I don't give a second thought
to all the cuts and scrapes.
That was my process.
The same with your dad.
It's what he had to do
to get to the good stuff.
You know, had to bang
his knuckles and whatnot.
It’s what you’re doing right now.
-I'm not following you.
Well, you’re upset
with your dad for dying.
And it's okay to slam
a door, or you know,
cry, and get angry,
burn your hand on a casserole.
That's your process.
-Do you know anything
about plastering?
-Well, I know a little.
Why?
Yeah, I think we can handle that.
Rory, did your dad ever
tell you that he loved you?
Yeah, tons.
- And did you tell him?
-Yeah. All the time.
Well, the closest
my dad and I ever
came was when I
returned from Korea.
You know, when I
met Ted Williams.
He said he missed me.
- What'd you say?
- I said I missed him, too.
And then we shook hands
from about three feet away.
I think we both felt you know,
the same way
about the love stuff.
But it sure would’ve been nice if
one of us just said it out loud.
- Gramp.
- Yeah.
How are you with broken lamps?
-No.
-Hmm.
-Your father never missed
a deadline in his life.
Okay, it’s gonna be really hard.
Let's just, uh,
let’s go in there,
find your dad's
column and get out.
Come on.
-Oh my God. I drew this.
It’s my giraffe.
Dad kept it.
- Oh, honey, he
kept all your artwork.
-Uh, you know, I think
'giraffe' is spelled wrong.
I was three! And by the
way, it is spelled right.
I can't believe he kept this.
- What is it?
-It was from when
we were in Indian.
Chiefs together
like ten years ago.
-Well, of course he kept it.
-I didn't make it. He did.
-What is it? Is it an ashtray?
-I think it’s supposed
to be a pencil holder.
-Wow! Bridget's report
card from the third grade.
You can tell by all the 'C's.
- Wait! Let me see.
Oh my Gosh, it so is.
And they’re 'C pluses.'
Look, my first 'B.'
I can't believe Dad
didn't throw this out.
Maybe he wanted
something from when
you were at your academic peak?
-Shut up.
Oh my God. I don’t
believe this. That idiot.
What is it?
These are all
these pictures that I
made him throw out
because I looked bad.
He kept ‘em.
Oh he even took this one out of
the trash and taped it together.
-You know, I'm not
saying I don’t believe,
I'm just saying it’s
awfully hard to feel close
to a God that would
do something like this.
I just keep feeling like a
terrible mistake has been made.
I just hope you
don't take it personal.
Be patient.
Don’t leave now.
I just already feel
so damn alone.
I'm not sorry I said 'damn.
-Well, it’s all cleaned
up downstairs.
Who are you talking to?
- Nobody.
Oh, I thought I heard..
..absolutely nothing.
So, you're gonna
sleep here tonight,
huh? That’s a big move for you.
Well, I keep putting off my
first night in here alone.
I can't do it forever.
It’s so weird.
It always felt so
small in here with the
both of us banging
around in the morning.
Now it just feels so big.
Well, why, why don’t I just
sit here at the end of the bed
until you fall asleep like I
used to do when you were little.
I won't say a word.
I'll just, I’ll just sit there.
- No, it's okay, Mom.
It’s okay.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, Cate.
So, I’ll you know,
just sleep on the couch.
Okay.
You know, don't,
don’t worry about me.
I’ll be fine.
Oh, Hi, Dad.
- I just changed the
bulb in the hall. It was out.
Unless you want
it completely dark.
-Oh no no, thanks.
Thank you.
Damn near killed myself.
Do you wanna come in?
- Yeah, sure.
Oh, come on. Just sit down.
-Dad? What?
Well, I, uh I think I
found Paul's last article.
Oh, you did?
- Yeah.
And you all laughed
at me when I said
I took a computer
course at the Rec-Center.
I don't wanna toot
my own horn but..
- Dad, the article.
-Oh, yeah, well I found
it in the 'Recycling Bin.'
I don’t think he thought it was
very good.
-We spent five
hours at that desk.
Well, it's kinda like
cleaning out an attic.
If you just did the work,
you'd be out in thirty minutes.
It's it’s the memories
that slow you down.
-Oh, Dad, why did this happen?
We don't deserve this.
That's 'cause we live under the
impression that we
get what we deserve.
If I got what I
deserved, I’d never
have you and your
sister in my life.
Oh, Dad!
- No, seriously. What have I ever
done to deserve two such angels?
Or Rory? Or Kerry, Bridget?
And, for part of my
life, your mother.
Yeah, we just
gotta be thankful for
the time we have
left with people.
And always let them
know how you feel.
-Sounds like somebody's
been going to church?
Don't tell your mother.
It's our little secret.
I love you, Cate.
I'm just sorry I
don't say it enough.
And yet I know it.
‘Night.
- ‘Night, Dad.
Oh, Paul God forbid you
should move something and look.
Mom?
Oh, hi, Bridg'.
Are you okay?
-Yeah.
No, not really.
Can I sleep with you?
- Oh, come on.
Come here.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Well, I’ve
got something, you guys.
What is that?
- It was dad's last article.
Grandpa found it.
- Oh my God, mom,
read it. Yeah, read it.
Yeah, okay, well, I'm going to.
It doesn't have a title or
anything, so, so I'll just start.
"Okay readers, today we're having
a little pop quiz."
It's multiple choice.
So, sharpen your
number two pencils
and put on your thinking caps.
Ready, here's a quote,
'Dad, you're an idiot.
Now contestants, this
was said to me because
of which of the
following transgressions:
Coming to the breakfast table
wearing pajamas and black socks?
Asking my oldest daughter
if that guy I saw her
talking to at school
yesterday was her boyfriend?
Referring to rapper
'Fitty Cent' as 'Fifty cents'?
Entering the room?
Okay, pencils down.
Actually it was a trick question.
The answer is all of the above.
Now, do you know how many times
I called my father an idiot?
Zero. Why?
Because I feared him.
Back then we didn't share
our deep personal feelings.
Our deepest
conversations usually
revolved around
the Tigers' bullpen.
But my kids, I can't
get them to shut up!
There’s not a feeling
that my kids are
afraid to express,
over and over and over.
And my wife reassures
me this is a good thing,
over and over and over.
And she's always right.
So, do I wish that
my kids feared me?
Well, my house would be quieter
and I'd spend a lot less
time in the bathroom, but no.
Because I know that
whenever they insult me,
whether it's a 'You're
an idiot, ' 'What a geek, '
or an 'I hate you, ' an 'I
love you' isn't far behind.
And it's the knowledge that
my wife and kids love me
that makes it safe for
me to wear pajamas
and black socks to
the breakfast table.
Oh my God.
Dad, thank you.
That's all he wrote.
That was enough.
- Yeah.
-Now I wish we insulted him more.
-Okay, guys, it's bedtime.
Alright, move over.
- Rory, move over.
- I'm over as far as I can get.
-Rory, when was the last
time you cut your toenails?
-Probably the last time
you shaved your legs.
Mom, you're laughing. Why?
- Oh, God only knows.
OOo