Beef (2023) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[creaking]
[intriguing music playing]
[Josh] No, I know
how busy you are, so yeah.
That you could come through like that
really means a lot.
I appreciate you.
Ashley appreciates it too.
- [David] Anything for you.
- Oh.
You're the man, David. Thank you.
- What's that?
- You know, golf.
- Free round of golf? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, anytime outside of peak hours.
Actually, I was thinking Saturday morning.
Oh, Saturday morning?
- I can make that work. I got you.
- [door opens]
Okay.
Yeah, I gotta go. What's that?
Yeah, free round of golf
means a full foursome. That's right.
Okay, thanks.
You really need to stop drinking that.
Full of sugar.
Where's Burberry?
[sighs]
What are you talking about?
He's home with you.
No, he was with you.
[uneasy music playing]
- Burberry?
- Burberry?
- Burberry?
- Burberry?
[theme music playing]
- [toy squeaking]
- Burberry! Burberry!
I've got Monkey!
Berry, Mummy loves you!
Berry!
- [angrily] Burberry!
- [woman] Linds!
Is everything okay?
[Lindsay] Burberry got out!
- Oh my God, how?
- I don't know.
I think one of us
must've left the door open.
[Josh] Devices.
- Devices. Yeah.
- [sighs]
- Devices.
- Oh.
- That's it.
- Yeah.
You know, my son set this up for me.
I don't talk to him anymore.
He married a woman in Guam.
Okay.
You know, I think I did see
the tiniest pistachio car
on my morning walk, driving slowly.
A Miata, I think.
My sister had a Miata.
Those people know how to make a car.
Do you mind if I take the wheel here
for a second?
Thanks. Okay, so there we go.
Now, my wife was home at 8:00.
I got home at noon,
so I'm just going to scrub to 8:30.
She left the door open,
so I think he must've headed west.
I know what you need.
I'm gonna warm up a chestnut loaf pâté.
- Do dogs like that?
- No, it's for you, handsome.
Be back in 30.
Uh, no. I really…
I really should get going.
Don't move a muscle.
And let me know when you get
to the Hispanic walking down the street.
Oh, that… that's me.
You're Greek.
[pensive music playing]
[Josh] Burberry! It's your father!
Burberry!
What's… what's Ava saying?
She just said that a dog was found
at the gas station, like, an hour ago.
Okay. All right, do you want to update?
That's why I'm on my phone,
is I'm updating my Nextdoor post.
Oh my God, Childish Gambino
just shared my post on his story.
Well, I've got
all of Ojai PD and FD on it, so…
Thank you for doing that.
Yeah, it's just
a little tricky juggling it all.
Okay.
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- [man] Hi. Is this Lindsay Crane?
Yeah.
- Great, I think we have your dog here.
- Brown dachshund, 12 years old.
- They have him?
- Yes, yes, that's… that's…
- He really loves to play fetch.
- Yes, yes! Oh my God.
Thank you so much.
- Ojai Valley Animal Shelter.
- Oh, babe.
- I love you. I love you.
- I love you.
That's very cool about Gambino.
- [engine revs]
- [tires squeal]
- Hi, sorry.
- Hi.
Hi, we just spoke about our dachshund.
- Yes, Lindsay Crane.
- [Lindsay] Yes!
Yeah, I saw Gambino's story. So sick.
[Josh] Yeah, he's the best.
- Is… is Burberry okay?
- Yeah, he's great.
He's just a little scratched up,
but it could've been worse.
- Oh my God.
- You guys just sit tight, okay?
I'm gonna go grab him,
then we'll fill out some forms.
- You'll be on your way, okay?
- [Lindsay] Oh my God. Amazing.
Gracias, mi amigo.
- [relieved sigh]
- Here we are, see? It's okay, babe.
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- I can't believe that happened.
- [Josh] Yeah, me neither. Me neither.
Yeah, we've got to figure out a system
where we keep the doors closed, you know?
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, don't worry about that now.
It's… it's not your fault.
- [door opens]
- [man] All right, all right, here he is!
Nice to have a happy ending
once in a while. [chuckles]
- No, no, that's not our dog.
- That's not our dog.
Uh, what?
Are you sure?
- Yeah, we're sure.
- Not our dog.
Can you check?
Do you have another dachshund?
No, this is the only dachshund
in a 60-mile radius.
- Oh my God. Oh fuck.
- Two hundred if you're talking purebred.
All right, thank you. Let's go.
This isn't a no-kill shelter.
- Excuse me?
- What the fuck does that mean?
What if you tried fostering
for a few days?
Just to try it out.
- Bro…
- We're very overcrowded, okay?
And, you know, they do say that most dogs
won't be found after the first 48 hours.
So in the scenario
that you don't find your dog,
well, you'll have this guy.
He looks just like him.
And in the other scenario,
your dog will have a new best friend.
Either way, in both scenarios…
[whispers] …this dog is still alive.
- [Lindsay crying]
- [uneasy music playing]
[sobs] Go away. It's not yours.
[Lindsay continues crying]
No.
It's not yours. No.
[dog whimpers]
What the fuck is your problem?
You know what? I'm not gonna argue.
I'm just gonna present the facts.
I remember I noticed this mug
that you left here on the table.
And I distinctly remember
staring at a closed door
and thinking, "Don't nag Josh about this."
And yet you did.
Where was Burberry when you left?
Like I said before…
Hmm…
…he was eating his breakfast
like he does every morning at 9:00 a.m.
Well, that's not true, actually.
He doesn't do that every day.
Just the other day,
he woke up at 4:00 a.m. to eat, right?
Sorry, what are you talking about?
4:00 a.m. is the middle of the night.
The middle of the night is midnight.
That's… that's why it's called midnight.
Okay, so you're saying that people stay up
to celebrate New Year's Eve
in the middle of the night?
What… what does that have to do
with what we're talking about?
You're assuming that this is my fault.
- You do this shit all the time.
- Oh my God. You're fucking delusional.
You know, you do this.
You always need someone to blame,
so you distort reality
to build some absurd narrative.
No, I'm just pointing out
a pattern of behavior.
Do you not remember
my mother's fucking stroke?
Oh my God. I forgot her seizure meds once.
- Once is all it takes.
- She was fine.
I just assumed
that when you said you were past it,
we… we actually had moved past it.
No, I am. I'm past it.
I'm just saying that I have to clean up
after your mess all the time,
and it's fucking exhausting.
So when you got back,
did you check every room?
No, obviously I didn't, because Berry's
never not sprinted to the door
the moment we get home.
So obviously, I assumed he was with you.
Um, not so.
Top Gun: Maverick? Hello?
Do you not remember coming home late
to Burberry sound asleep
in bed with his monkey?
I even took a picture. I think I have it.
First of all, that was Bullet Train!
I didn't get to go see Top Gun: Maverick
at the theater because you had COVID.
I knew you'd hold this against me.
I got COVID at your stupid mezcal night.
- [scoffs] Oh, is it stupid now?
- Yeah!
You are so full of shit.
You couldn't get enough
of Mescal Mezcal Night.
I remember distinctly
because I fell asleep to Aftersun
and woke up to you crying.
So do you also remember us
coming home very late,
in the middle of the night,
to Berry not sprinting to our feet
because he was stuck
in the laundry closet?
[in British accent]
Oh, not so, not so. Hello?
That was more like 5:00 a.m.
Thank you very much!
If I remember correctly,
he was stuck in there
because you kept telling me for 3 months
you'd buy a doorstop.
And I kept saying,
"Let me just order one on Amazon."
And you freaked out
because it'd be undermining your vision.
Oh, you fucked up.
You fucked up! This is good.
- Huh?
- This is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.
- What?
- Ah, ah.
April 16, 2022,
aged-brass,
traditional four-inch doorstop.
And I actually said,
"I think I can make this work,"
and ordered it for you,
you goddamn fucking idiot.
This is childish.
You believe whatever you want, Lindsay.
I know that I didn't leave this door open.
Well, I didn't,
so I know you did leave it open.
Josh?
Going to the club, buddy.
I'll be right back. You're safe.
Is that so hard?
Oh, you're gonna throw yourself into work
because you don't know how
to process feelings!
[lively synth music playing]
Oh, Mrs. Pastner, perfect timing.
[laughs]
There you go, milady.
You look beautiful today.
- How are we doing? Good.
- [man] Great.
All right, hey, Billy.
Billy, Billy, it's been a minute, man.
Another Long Island?
Can I get you another one?
I'm gonna get you another one.
Another round for the whole table.
How about that?
On the house. On the house.
That's how we do it.
- [woman] Hello.
- Hi. How are you doing?
Ooh!
Are we loving the scones?
Are we loving them?
- [Ava] Oh my God.
- Good, loving the scones.
God, I love that face.
How are you real?
I still can't believe that you're just…
I'm gonna be
so fucking dirty with you tonight.
- Yes, please.
- [Josh] My man.
Hey.
Wha…
Valet's got your car out front
whenever you're ready.
I went ahead and did a quick detail.
That's why… that's why my pants are wet.
[chuckles]
- How are we doing? We all done here?
- Hey, Josh, man, how are you holding up?
Oh my God. We heard about Burberry.
We are so, so sorry.
It's fine.
It's sad, but, you know, shit happens.
It's okay.
Sit down, man. You've been through a lot.
Thank you. No, no, I can't. Sorry.
I got to go check on the lockers.
They haven't been tidying them up lately,
so I gotta give a little…
Hey, can we get Josh a Negroni?
That's your drink, right?
- Seriously, I'm good, I'm good.
- He'll have two Negronis.
It's all about work-life balance, man.
- [Ava] So true.
- No, I'm fine.
Work's really good for me.
[Troy] Not today it's not. Oh, I know.
Babe, are you okay if I whisk Josh away
tonight on the PJ?
- I know we got plans, and I want those.
- No, please go.
You guys need your boys' time.
I'll be here waiting for you.
I frickin' love you. I frickin' love her.
All right, listen. I got the perfect idea.
Wheels up in 40.
Okay.
Okay, fuck it.
[Troy laughs]
[Lindsay] Okay, I will say, Officer,
I think it's actually a very good use
of police time.
Sorry, excuse me.
And I was actually told
that Josh had connected with you, so
this is illuminating.
Okay, goodbye.
Hello. Sorry. Ooh, that's lovely. Hi.
- Lindsay. Oh my God.
- [groans]
I got your email blast. I can't even.
- Yeah.
- Are you okay?
Uh, no, I'm not.
Um, do you mind putting up some of these?
Oh. Sure. Of course.
I was thinking, like, one here
and then, like, a couple back there.
- I can do it if it's easier.
- No. No, no, no.
You just go do what you gotta do.
- I will put these up.
- Thank you. Okay.
Thank you. Thanks.
Sorry. Excuse me, excuse me. Thank you.
[message sent tone]
[silverware clatters]
[woman chuckles]
[wistful music playing]
Mm.
[trash can clatters]
[sighs]
[Josh] I really should get back to Linds.
How long is this gonna be?
I don't… Knowing you,
it's probably gonna be a while.
I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for this.
I just feel like… I'm feeling bad
that I left Lindsay back there, you know?
Yeah. Let's go back, then.
I'll walk you to the plane.
I swear, man,
if you're bringing me to the Rhino again,
I'm gonna walk straight out.
You think I'd be talking to you
if we were at the Rhino?
[electronic music playing]
[Josh] Oh shit. We're in your chalet?
- Yep.
- This does not bode well.
Do it now ♪
Say it, say it, say it, say it
Say it, say it, say it now ♪
Do it, do it, do it, do it
Do it, do it, do it now ♪
[guests cheering]
You got Hot Chip?
You got fucking Hot Chip?
They were in town for a festival.
Called a few favors in.
You did this for me?
I got you, mi amigo.
Bro!
Oh shit. It's Hans Zimmer.
I gotta take this.
Enjoy. Now. Enjoy.
Okay.
Hey, Josh.
- Hey!
- Hey, don't you own a Minimoog?
I do.
You should come up.
[chuckles]
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
[indistinct chattering]
[Ashley] Excuse me.
Hello. Hi. [chuckles]
Uh, sorry to bother.
Have you seen this dog?
[pensive music playing]
Ashley?
Hey.
I'm gonna… come over.
We saw your post,
and we figured we'd come help.
That's so incredibly nice of you.
You're literally the only ones
who've come out.
We really love dogs.
Yeah, they're the best.
Someone found his collar
near Ojai and Montgomery.
Maybe someone found him, then.
Do you know how he got out?
I'm pretty sure Josh left the door open.
I mean, he swears he didn't.
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was me.
God, if this is my fault…
I mean, he's just an innocent little dog.
All he wanted was to make us happy.
He probably ran out the door to find us
'cause he fucking hates being alone.
If he's dead, and it's my fault, I just…
I don't know. I don't even know.
No, no, no. Don't think like that.
We'll help you look,
however long it takes.
I've gotta get to the club for a session.
I don't think we can help too long.
You go back. I can Uber home.
No, no, no, no, no.
You… you don't need to do that.
Yeah, I don't think that's the best idea.
Austin, I can meet you back at home.
I really wanna do this.
I guess I could drive her back.
- I'll have her back by curfew.
- [Ashley chuckles]
Just make sure you take it easy. Yeah?
This one time, I thought I lost my keys,
and then they appeared out of nowhere, so…
Oh.
- Uh, can I help you with those?
- Um, yeah.
Um, except I've done this whole street,
so there's no point.
Don't need to go all the way to the end.
Everybody on this block
is just fucking useless.
- ["Over and Over" playing]
- [Josh] Whoo!
Laid back ♪
Laid back ♪
Laid back ♪
I'll give you laid back ♪
He's good, isn't he? [laughs]
Laid back ♪
Laid back ♪
[Josh exclaims]
Laid back, we'll give you laid back ♪
Under and under
And under and under and under ♪
The smell of repetition
Really is on you ♪
And when you feel this way
I really am with you ♪
K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪
S-E-X-I-N-G ♪
C-A-S-I-O ♪
P-O-K-E ♪
[music continues muffled]
Y-O-U ♪
M-E ♪
I ♪
[guests cheering]
[Lindsay] "Stuck in Utah
with Troy and Hot Chip."
"Will explain later."
Can you fucking believe it?
He's off traipsing around doing his usual
GM bullshit fucking nonsense with Troy,
while you, the fucking Gen Z employee,
no offense,
are out in the middle of nowhere with me.
Fuck him. I hate that guy.
- No offense.
- No, fuck him. Fuck him.
We'll find Burberry on our own.
Okay, so someone heard a bark over here,
a ranch, a mile east,
and then that nice portly lady
heard tapping at the door here.
So, if we triangulate
from where his collar was found,
which is here, and given the fact
that he hates the cold,
he would head towards the area
last touched by the sun,
which is here, right?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Wait.
No, yeah, that's right. Mm-hmm.
I've gone mad, haven't I?
No.
No, no, I, uh…
I totally get it.
I just went through a health thing.
Oh God, yes.
Josh said he sent David for you.
That was so nice of him.
So what happened?
Uh, I had to have an ovary removed.
You had an ovary removed?
Yeah, and, you know,
it makes having a kid
a lot harder, obviously,
and I definitely wanna be a mom,
so I totally get, like, being overwhelmed
when you lose something important.
I guess it was a good thing
you got that health insurance, then.
[laughs] Right?
- Thank you for understanding.
- Yeah.
I just know that Berry's still out there,
and I'm not gonna stop looking.
Honestly, it's the healthiest thing
you can do, probably.
Yeah, well, I'm out of practice
in that regard, trusting myself.
What?
No way. You're… you're so confident.
And independent.
I'm honestly so impressed you're out here
on your own. I'd be a mess.
Are you okay?
Do you wanna talk?
No, I'm fine. It's just, you know,
typical marriage stuff.
Does Josh not treat you well?
Mm, it's complicated.
[melancholic music playing]
That night we saw you two fighting.
Does that happen often?
No.
No, I mean, not like that.
Does he make you do things
you don't wanna do, like financially?
What are you suggesting?
Nothing. Nothing.
I just know that money is the main thing
that Austin and I argue about.
Yeah.
Well, that never really goes away.
Anyway, it's getting late.
I've still got to check the hiking trails.
I'm gonna call you an Uber.
Where are we?
Look,
I know I don't know you very well,
but you seem, like,
so perfect.
And, like, I… I don't know
your guys' history or whatever,
but Josh kind of doesn't deserve you.
You know, like, if he wants to be in Utah
or threaten you
or, like, be all shady and stuff,
then you should just kick him to the curb
'cause you're awesome.
You know, and you're so pretty.
Like, you could have anybody you want.
- You're just being nice.
- No, I mean it.
I literally hope I look
half as good as you when I'm your age.
Let's get you home.
[indistinct chatter on phone]
[laughter]
What are you doing to your daddy?
What's that food?
- Can I interest you in a nightcap?
- Uh, no, thanks. I'm all good.
Sure? It's a Yamasaki 25 single malt.
Yeah, I'll have a little bit.
[moans]
Wow.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- [snoring]
- [armrest rattling]
[Troy grunts, gasps]
[groans]
- Hey, you're up too, huh?
- Hey.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Ooh.
- I hate turbulence.
- Yeah.
- Rocky Mountains, huh?
- [clears throat]
Hey. Thanks again for tonight.
That was so much fun.
[both laugh]
No, really, I haven't had
that much fun in a long time.
My pleasure.
Sometimes you just gotta recharge
with the boys
so you can plug back into the Matrix.
Ain't that the truth.
- Hey.
- Huh?
How are you and Ava? Are you guys happy?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Good sex and good food.
All you need for a successful marriage.
That's great. That's really good.
- You and Lindsay good?
- [tuts]
Ups and downs.
Got it.
So the sex is bad. How's the food?
We order DoorDash every day.
[Troy groans]
These apps are killing us, man.
Fucking killing us.
[Josh sighs]
Do you think that I've changed
since I've been with Lindsay?
Oh yeah. Big time, big time.
You kind of sucked before that.
I wasn't that bad.
[Troy chuckles]
You were hooking up with a new girl
every week like a goddamn coyote.
[imitating coyote howling]
Yeah, but… did I seem happier?
Depends on how you define happy.
Hey, every relationship
goes through rough patches.
Lindsay's good for you, man.
When you started at the club,
you were an aimless kid,
and now, you know,
you're, like, this GM head honcho, dude.
Can't throw away
someone who's made you better.
- Yeah.
- I get it though. I get…
Oh fuck.
We all get tempted, man.
What?
[scoffs]
Ashley.
Bev cart to office associate?
You think I don't know?
Oh, no, no, no. It's nothing like that.
Okay, so now
you're gonna outplay the player?
- Dude.
- Think about it.
Heard you fired Deb for that shit.
- You think I don't know this?
- No, you… you really don't know.
Listen, I'm not saying
I'm not proud of you.
I'm just saying you gotta be more careful
with that stuff.
Same sitch with my first wife.
Remember Nicole
from my office, huh? [growls]
[Troy sighs]
The moment you finish,
you're gonna want Lindsay back.
Trust.
Don't shit where you eat.
Okay.
Unless you really gotta go.
Then I'd just, you know…
[coyote howling]
[Lindsay] Burberry!
Burberry!
[sighs]
Treats!
Treats!
Where are you? Mummy's got treats!
- [melancholic music playing]
- [phone chimes]
[sighs]
[Burberry whimpers]
- [tense electronic music playing]
- Burberry?
Burberry! I'm coming!
Berry!
Here's Mummy! Where are you?
Berry, can you hear me?
- Berry!
- [Burberry whimpers]
[screaming]
Fuck off!
[Burberry whimpers]
[screaming]
Stay away!
Stay away!
Stay away!
[screams]
I know this isn't your fault!
We took your land!
- [snarling]
- Stay away!
Fuck off, coyote! Fuck off!
- [exclaims]
- [snarls]
- No! [screams]
- [whimpers]
[panting]
[whimpering]
Oh my God.
[Burberry whimpers]
[indistinct chattering]
- [door opens]
- [footsteps approaching]
[sighs] Oh God. Is he… is he okay?
They're operating on him now.
He got… bitten pretty badly.
Is Dr. Kemper doing the surgery?
I called ahead to put in a good word.
Yeah, it's Kemper.
Thank you for doing that.
Okay, of course.
He's gonna be okay. He's gonna be okay.
[melancholic music playing]
[Lindsay sniffles]
I'm sorry I left the door open.
It was probably me.
Are you okay?
No.
I'm not.
- This isn't working. [sniffles]
- I know. I know.
We need a divorce.
I know.
[Dr. Kemper clears throat]
I'm so sorry.
[sobs]
["Real Love Baby"
by Father John Misty playing]
Our hearts are free ♪
So tell me
What's wrong with the feeling ♪
I'm a flower, you're the bee ♪
It's much older than you and me ♪
I'm in love, I'm alive ♪
I belong to the stars and sky ♪
Let's forget who we are for one night ♪
We're not animals, baby
It's the people who lie ♪
I want real love, baby ♪
Ooh, don't leave me waiting ♪
I've got real love, maybe ♪
Wait until you taste me ♪
I want real love, baby ♪
There's a world inside me ♪
Got the key, just use it ♪
Just if for a minute ♪
Our hearts are free ♪
So tell me
What's wrong with the feeling ♪
I'm a flower, you're the bee ♪
It's much older than you and me ♪
I'm in love, I'm alive ♪
I belong to the stars and sky ♪
Let's forget who we are for one night ♪
We're not animals, baby
It's the people who lie ♪
I want real love, baby ♪
Ooh, don't leave me waiting ♪
I've got real love, maybe ♪
[music fades]