Daddy Issues (2024) s02e05 Episode Script

1
MUSIC: The Cutter
by Echo & The Bunnymen
So, let's firm up
those plans, then, eh?
You, me, a bottle of pop
and a large fish supper.
What about the kid?
What, Malcolm?
I suppose I can ask 'em to stick
a saveloy in, as well.
I mean, he's not gonna be
there, too, is he?
Not again?!
I've bought him a Walkman.
He can't hear a thing, I promise.
MUSIC BLASTS ON HEADPHONES
You can make as much
noise as you like.
Jackie Moscrip,
you're a terrible father.
Yeah. But I'm a great
I'll see you Saturday.
Both of you.
HE EXHALES
They really are the most glorious
things in the world, Malcolm.
Forget the flowers.
When I die, I want that church
filled with beautiful women.
Wall-to-wall stone foxes.
No pigs.
And no eulogy.
Come on.
Conquering myself until ♪
So that's why it would be great
if you could come
to my dad's funeral.
I don't think so.
Sorry.
Have you got any mates?
Are you sure you want me to do
all these baps with Lurpak, Gemma?
It's very expensive.
Just use what's in the fridge.
All I'm saying is
I can do you a mix of spreads -
it'll bring the cost down without
necessarily diminishing the taste.
You know, the key thing is to,
erm, whip the Stork up,
add a bit of salt,
a tiny bit of lard,
and then add whatever butter of
your choice before rounding it out.
Will you just use
what's in the fridge?
I could save you up to £2, Gemma.
I don't care about £2.
And that attitude is why
you'll never be a businesswoman
and I'm the OG boss bitch.
HE SNIFFS
HE MUMBLES
Dad
How are you feeling?
TEARFULLY: I've still not managed
to get any beautiful women
to come to the funeral.
RITA GUFFAWS
Oi, cheeky!
I'll be there.
RITA GIGGLES
I killed him,
and then I let him down.
Oh, my God, you need to stop this.
You didn't kill him -
he was on the list
for a triple heart bypass.
Those pills were the only things
keeping him alive.
And you've written such
a lovely eulogy.
He always said he didn't want one.
Well, I bet he didn't want Rita's
mad sandwich spread either,
but that's what he's getting.
Look, you've done the hard part,
now you just need to read it out.
Mmm, you'll just
-You'll say something nice, though?
-FRONT DOOR SHUTS
Nobody wants to hear
the truth at a funeral.
Morning!
Here you go. One eulogy.
Oh, I changed the font
from Impact to Times New Roman.
Felt like
the respectful thing to do.
TEARFULLY: That's perfect.
Thanks, mate.
Go on, mate. Go cry it out.
Oh, can I have one of those?
I skipped breakfast.
I've been fasting.
WHISPERS: - I found
a rat in my bread bin.
-Ew! -Excuse fingers.
-Oi!
These are for Jackie.
I hate to break it to you,
ladies, but Jackie is
Fine!
Fucking hell, you get
less food at a mafia funeral.
Unless of course you've invited
all of Jackie's exes -
in which case, there's not enough.
You pig! Gemma's been working really
hard on that buffet all week!
-Oh!
-HE MOANS SENSUALLY
HE PANTS
I can put them back if you want.
He is such a bell end.
Comments like that
only make me stronger.
HE MOANS
ALL: Ew!
Isn't he a terror?!
RITA CHUCKLES
RITA CLICKS TONGUE
Disgusting!
Shit.
Shit!
Oh, jogging bottoms
at a funeral, eh?
I admire the sentiment, king.
One last "fuck you" to the old man.
I'm not doing that!
Why would you think I was doing
that? I'm not doing that!
Relax, Malcolm, it was a JK.
This is the last thing
I'll ever get to do for him.
And I just want today
to be appropriate, all right?
And I thought I'd bought
a suit from the charity shop
and I can't find it now!
I mean, what if didn't buy it, eh?
What if I just dreamt it?
Gemma! SOFTLY: - Fucking hell.
-You yelled?
-I got a suit from the charity shop, didn't I?
Yeah, I took it to the dry cleaners,
like you asked.
Well, where is it now?
Probably still there.
I gave you the receipt.
Did you? I can't find
I've lost the receipt.
I've lost the receipt!
Dad, it's fine.
You've got loads of time, OK?
You can go down there now
and just give them your name.
-What?
-It's Malcolm Moscrip.
I can write it down for you,
if you want.
Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls?
What kind of bowl?
Well, I wanted to decant
the coleslaw from the plastic tubs
into something nice,
show a bit of respect.
Oh, that's lovely! I can use that.
That's an ashtray.
That was my grandad's.
It's fucking filthy, is what it is.
Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma!
If I have to.
He's dead now, of course.
Will you use a normal bowl, Rita?
Yeah, but I can't find any.
Ooh, I could decant it into a mug!
No. We're not serving coleslaw
from a mug at my grandfather's wake.
You know what I've just realised?
I'm finally an orphan.
- SIGHS:
- Dad.
Right, you take him to get his suit.
Roger that.
Come on, Little Orphan Annie.
It starts in 86 minutes,
doesn't it?!
Yeah, we'll meet you
at the crematorium.
OK?
MALCOLM SOBS
And, Rita? I'll find you
something for the coleslaw.
Something fancy.
Mariah Carey there
won't let me have a mug.
DEREK CHUCKLES
For your grief.
Ah, you sexy little bitch.
Whoo!
Can we go in yours?
Why?
It's nicer, isn't it?
Than the Jag? No, it fucking isn't.
Surely, you want to
arrive in your dad's classic car.
It was his pride and joy.
I can't.
If I drive it, it means
he's really dead, doesn't it?
Malcolm, I think the fact that
we're setting fire to him later
is enough to suggest
that he's really dead.
Look, it's been over a month.
You've got to drive it
sometime, king.
Yeah, well, I will!
Just not today, all right?!
Jesus! All right.
Such a baby.
Good girl.
Ooh, can somebody help us?
-You all right?
-Yep -Oh, God!
Mm-hm. Sounded like a sloppy one.
All right,
you just don't get any on you.
I'll take care of this.
-Hiya.
-Thanks, babe.
Oh, God! You are
a stinky bum today, hey?
Oh!
Oh, Sadie didn't shit
herself on purpose!
I just wish I'd taken more
photos of her and Grandad when
Aw, luvvie.
-Now it's too late.
-No, it isn't.
Don't say that.
It's never too late.
Rita, it is too late.
They can do anything with
computers these days, Gemma.
If you want, I can get you
a picture of Sadie, Jackie,
Jesus and Freddie Mercury, you know,
all inside a barn
that's floated out to sea.
I know someone that can do that.
You know, and not just photos.
I could get that image
printed on a mouse mat for you.
A mouse mat.
Imagine that, eh?
-No.
-Oh, can you have another look, please?
There isn't anything
under the name Malcolm Moscrip.
I have a photographic memory.
What, and you put that
to use in a dry cleaners?
I also do alterations.
Are we sure this is the right place?
PHONE VIBRATES
What is it?
We're at the dry cleaner's
and they haven't got my suit!
Which one did you take it to?
The one on Mayford Road.
A dick called Johan works there.
Is your name Johan?
-Yes.
-And are you a dick?
Do you see any customer service
awards in front of me?
They haven't got my suit,
so what am I gonna do?
OK, can you sort this out yourself?
Look, it's my dad's funeral
in an hour.
Have you got anything?
Anything? Please.
I have a something that might fit.
It's not black.
OK.
Hiya, Cat.
Catherine! Cat! Catkins.
Oh, Gary-bear!
Gary, did you get taller?
Oh, it's the pins in my legs.
I might get my arms done, too.
Can you imagine being able to reach
things before other people?
Amazing.
Yeah.
I gotta say, Gemma, thank you
so much for sorting all this.
What?
-Cat said you'd come through on the day release.
-Hmm.
You hid Grandad's
heart pills, didn't you?
Don't even joke about that!
We'll tell the baby, Auntie Gem-Gem
moved heaven and Earth
to make their conception possible.
-Right, and special thanks to Grandad Jackie.
-Oh!
Who sacrificed himself
so our baby could be.
Fucking hell!
Ahem!
-Oh, yeah, this is Suki.
-Yeah.
Prison officer.
My job is to help Catherine make
correct decisions today.
Or else.
-Pow, pow, pow!
-Ooh!
CATHERINE CHUCKLES
I've missed you so much, Cat.
-Aw!
-I'd let you push me off a million fire escapes.
So things are properly
back on with you two, then?
-Yeah.
-Catherine explained it was a crime of passion.
She's always been very passionate.
-Yeah.
-Not the word I'd use to describe her, but, OK.
UNDER BREATH: Shut up.
Catherine! Oh. Oh!
Dad, what the hell are you wearing?
Well, the dry cleaners lost my suit,
didn't they?
So you borrowed one from RuPaul?
Er, I think Dad looks magnificent.
Oh, thanks, love.
Hey, it didn't look
so bright in the bag, did it?
-It did not.
-Come here!
Oh, ha, bums.
Sorry, Dad,
I've used up all my hugs for today.
It's prison rules.
Oh, right, well
What if I forget how to talk?
You know, I've ready gone a bit dry.
Have I gone dry?
Dad, no. It's a beautiful eulogy.
Thanks. I better go and practise.
OK?
There is no way you think
Dad looks good in that suit.
Oh, yeah?
Prove it.
MALCOLM SNIFFLES
MOURNFUL PIANO PLAYS
You know, my dad never cried.
Not even when he sliced his toe off
kicking that samurai sword.
Just different people, aren't you?
-Hi!
-Hi.
MESSAGE CHIMES
I'm sorry.
Why? What have you done?
For your loss.
Yeah.
Missed you. Thanks for coming.
What is it?
Your Auntie Jess,
she's not going to come.
Aw, Dad.
Yeah, well, they had
a tough relationship, you know?
-Yeah. - Well, I think she thought he was a bit judgmental.
-Mm-hm.
Oh, but I'd hoped she'd come.
MESSAGE CHIMES
You know, just for me, but
-I'm sorry.
-Oh, look.
Here's a message from Tyrone.
-Oh, God!
-Oh, God, that's not very nice, is it?
Right, I think
it's time to kick off.
Oh, no, sorry, we've
we've got to wait for the celebrant.
Well, hello. Who do you think I am?
Francis. I'm your
your celebrant super sub.
I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump
on the A34 this morning.
Is he OK?
Yeah.
He did manage to WhatsApp me
some very comprehensive notes
while he was waiting
to be cut out of the wreckage.
Erm Such a pro.
Where are my glasses?
HE CHUCKLES
Ooh!
Ah, silly old Francis.
I-I think we need to get on.
-Yeah.
-Great.
- SOFTLY:
- Who's that dick?
"John Richard Moscrip -
"Jackie, to his friends
and family" Mmm.
"..Was a devoted and loving father
to Malcolm and Jessica"
Who's not here.
"..And adoring grandfather
to Catherine"
Yes! Top of the list.
-Made it.
-Well done, baby girl.
"..Gemma and
"Mice?" What? Does that say Mice?
Mia.
That's my sister's daughter.
Mia? What, that's a name, is it?
-Yes.
-Hmm!
Do you know, I've never heard
that name before. Wow. Mi
Mia?
Huh. You learn something
new every day.
Mia. Mia. Mia!
I like it.
Actually, I really like it, yeah.
Right, back to Jackie.
"Very recently, he'd become
a great-grandfather to"
-Whoo. Scrolled past it.
-Sadie. -"..Sadie."
Yeah, now
now, I do know that name.
Well, Sexy Sadie. Isn't it?
Is she sexy, your Sadie, hmm?
MALCOLM SOBS
She's a year old.
Ah.
Anyhoo, "Malcolm Moscrip will
now say a few words"
"about his dear dead dad."
You've got it, king.
You've fucking got it.
-OK, mate. -Slay.
-OK.
Fucking destroy it. Come on.
My dad, erm
Jackie
There's a lot to say about my dad.
There's a lot I'd like to say.
PAPER RUSTLES
TEARFULLY: He didn't want a eulogy.
He was very firm about that.
And I'd like to honour him
in the best way I can,
if that's OK with you.
MIC SQUEALS
Thank you.
Oh, shit.
OK.
MUSIC: I'm Your Man
by Wham!
OFF-KEY: Call me good,
call me bad ♪
- SOBS DROWN OUT SINGING
- I'm going in, Gemma. I'm going in.
I can't I can't do this.
Yes, you can, Malcolm! Yes, you can!
Eyes on me, king, you've got it.
-Am I going in? Am I going in?
-Yes!
All right, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
I'm going in. I'm going in.
Baby, I'm your man ♪
Here we go, it's you.
Don't you know that? ♪
OFF-KEY: Baby, I'm your man ♪
We'll go together,
we'll go together. Come on.
BOTH: - If you're
gonna do it, do it right
- BACKING TRACK:
- Do it with me
If you're gonna do it, do it right
Do it with me
- RITA: - Whoo!
If you're gonna do it, do it right
Do it for me
- If you're gonna do it, do it right
- Do it right
Do it with me
Whoo! ♪
I thought everyone would join in
once we hit that second verse.
Yeah, me too.
And you wrote that song yourself?
Amazing.
I wish you'd told me
you were gonna do that.
What, so you could
talk him out of it?
Yeah.
MALCOLM SIGHS
-Hi.
-Hi!
Wow. That was something.
Yep.
DEREK, MALCOLM WHISPER
Thanks for coming.
-I'm sorry for your loss.
-It's OK.
Sorry for your loss.
-Fun I got to keep my clothes on, though.
-Yeah.
Oh, you're being so brave.
WHISPERS: It's OK, Rita. Thank you.
Oh, please, take your fucking time.
You're not the only one incinerating
a family member today, mate.
MUTED CHATTER
There's, erm
There's quite a lot,
isn't there, babe?
Well, yeah,
I didn't want people gossiping
about there not being enough food.
But, of course, what they're
going to be talking about
is you hiring
a chorus line of strippers.
Oh, you make it sound
so seedy, Gemma.
You should've seen them
at the audition. Oh!
Gemma! I can't shake Suki off.
How are me and Gary
supposed to go and make a baby
if they keep following me
around all day?
Maybe this is God's -
or HM Prison Services' -
way of saying, "Don't bother."
You're having a baby?
We're trying.
We're trying to try.
No thanks to Gemma!
Cat, what more do you want me to do?
Draw him a map of where to stick it?
Get him hard for you?
Guide him in like
cock Air Traffic Control?
Don't be so crude, Gemma!
GEMMA GASPS
I think it's a wonderful way
to honour your grandad.
Thank you, Daddy.
- HISSES:
- You fucking bitch.
They weren't at the crematorium.
WOMAN: - ..grab one of these.
-So, er, h-how did you know Jackie, then?
-Whee!
-Hiya. -Hey, you.
-Hey!
Derek's just told me how
much they get paid.
Fucking hell!
Have you thought about
a career dancing at funerals?
Well, I might have to.
Three months of applying
and no bites.
I mean, what's wrong with me?
You're a single mum on maternity
leave with zero qualifications.
Do you think I should stop putting
that on my cover letter?
-Maybe.
-Yeah?
I don't think
they even knew who Grandad was.
-No?
-No.
I'm gonna get
my baps off that woman.
OK.
-Have you been with Auntie Cherry?
-Right, come on.
MUFFLED CONVERSATION
Giv Don't! Give me
MUFFLED PROTESTS
Give! Give!
Hiya.
I love a man in a suit.
- SCOFFS:
- What, even this one?
I wish you'd have asked me
to dance for you, Malcolm.
I've got a very taut core.
Watch this. Whoo!
Whoa!
-Rita, can I have a word?
-Oh, no -Quick word.
-Yeah.
-Derek
Will you stop trying
to seduce my grieving father?
I'm trying to lift his spirits.
Well, his spirits need
to stay exactly where they are.
-Gemma?
-What?
Can you distract Suki for me?
We only need a couple of minutes.
Like 90 seconds, max.
Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy.
I know.
Right, what do you want me to do?
And nothing illegal.
Right, well, Suki -
they really fancy your fit mate.
-Cherry? -Yeah.
-Right.
So, could you like
introduce 'em or summat?
And then me and Gary,
we'll slip off to the bogs,
make a baby -
as is Moscrip family tradition.
Go on!
-Fine!
-Yes!
Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry?
Oh, God. Yes, please. Ha!
Cherry, this is Suki.
Suki is my sister's
Guardian angel.
-You what?
-Just go with it.
Oh, hiya. You are very pretty.
Do you work with Catherine?
She's in prison.
Cheese twist?
You have not stopped all day today.
Yeah, well,
I'm just trying to make sure
that everyone's having
a really great time.
-At a wake?
-I love wakes.
I think they're like weddings,
but you just don't have to get
anyone a gift.
Why don't you sit down
and get a glass of fizz?
No, because if I stop thinking
about the food,
-then I'll think about my
-Hiya.
Hi, Gary. Where's Cat?
GASPING
No!
Gary
SHOUTING
Run, my goddess!
CROWD EXCLAIMS
I'll find you. Just go!
-Love you, Gaz-bear.
-You're my world!
-Fucking kill her.
-SUKI: - Get off! Get
Gary, that's not how
you make a baby.
SIREN WAILS
Bloody hell.
- SOFTLY:
- The food!
-Right, on your way, Gary.
-Malcolm.
Malcolm
Sorry again, Malcolm,
about the table,
and the food,
and your dad.
Ah, I should have said "dad" first.
Why didn't you say "dad" first?
SHE SIGHS
All I wanted was for my dad to have
an appropriate send-off, you know?
Well, I think we achieved that.
HE SCOFFS
Plus we've got a family member
on the run now.
-Oh!
-He would have loved that.
FAINT CHATTER
I just wanted to say -
the whole day was great.
I mean, a bit weird, but great.
My mum wanted a karaoke machine
at her funeral,
got talked out of it by family.
Regretted it ever since.
I'm Elodie. Here's my number.
Yeah?
SHE CHUCKLES
Love the suit, by the way.
Pff! Yeah. Nice.
HE CHUCKLES
Like I'm gonna hire her again.
She cost a fortune.
God!
DOOR SHUTS
DOOR OPENS
Oh Oh!
Have I missed it?
I can't believe I've missed it.
There was a crash on the A34.
Malcolm.
Tommy?
Finally, in the flesh.
Well, you're a lot taller
than I thought you'd be.
And about ten times more handsome.
I mean, how sexy is this guy?
Come on!
Bring it in.
TOMMY CHUCKLES
Oh. Oh.
Dad, who's this?
It's Tommy Moscrip.
Yeah. Jackie's son.
The other son.
Dad, you've got a brother?!
Erm
Yeah.
Me.
CHUCKLES: Yeah.