Fisk (2021) s02e05 Episode Script
Judges Are Like Chimpanzees
1
(BIRDSONG)
Dad, what time is it?
- Am I late? What's going on?
- No, no, it's 6:30.
I just wanted to sit
and have a bit of a read.
Can't you read in your giant house?
Once we're up, we're on a schedule.
I'm supposed to be in the shower
right now.
- Tony?
- (KNOCKS)
- Tony?
- Bugger.
There you are. Mm.
You left the shower running.
You're not dressed? Are you alright?
Yes, fine. Helen just wanted
a bit of company over breakfast.
- Really, Helen?
- Yep.
Well, we're right out of whack now.
Where can we make up some time?
I suppose we could always do
the crossword this evening.
Could we do the cryptic in bed
or is that madness?
Oh, 6:33.
Come on, I'll put the toast on.
You give yourself a wash.
No time for a shower now, so, just
a quick A, P and C for you, please.
A, P and C?
Armpits and crutch.
Oh, Dad, come on. Please, use my shower.
He means well, just needs to be busy.
He wasn't ready for retirement.
Come on, Tony.
You'll be down to a crotch wash only
if you don't hurry up.
Oh, Jesus.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
George, why am I meeting
with The American Cat Welfare League
at 10:00AM?
- I don't know, 'cause you like cats?
- No, I don't like cats.
- Have you ever had a cat?
- No. I just said I don't like them.
How do you know you don't like cats
if you've never had one?
That's a good point, Roz.
Hey, webmaster, I'm supposed to have
a Zoom meeting with The American Cat
Welfare League in five minutes,
but you never sent me the invitation.
- Yes, I did.
- Ohh
- You've sent it to me.
- What?
- You've made a mistake.
- No, I haven't.
Oh, yeah, you have.
You've sent it to Roz.
Can you send it to me. And also
I need this lot photocopied?
Gruber & Associates. How may I help you?
No, no, no, that's Conch.
- What?
- That's the Conch Mediation Line.
"Good morning! Conch Mediation.
You talk, we listen."
Don't worry,
just put it through to my office.
Conch Mediation.
We talk, you No, hang on.
You Whatever. Here's Roz.
What's going on with you
this morning? Are you high?
No. I'm overworked.
- Sorry. I'm just kidding.
- It's not funny.
I'm doing three jobs at the moment.
How many are YOU doing?
- Just one.
- Yeah, so, shut up.
Sorry, that was unnecessarily
aggressive.
- That's OK. Are you alright?
- I'm really stressed.
Roz still hasn't hired
a new personal assistant.
Oh, no.
Grandma's away on a cruise.
I really miss her.
That's so sad, but I do
have the meeting in one minute.
- Could you send it through?
- (PHONES RING)
But I do want to hear about Grandma,
so put a pin in that.
(PHONES RING)
Hi. I was wondering
if I could speak to Roz Gruber.
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello?
- Hello! Chad Sittler.
- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Correct.
I represent
The Cat Welfare League of America.
My name's Helen. Helen Tudor-Fisk.
I'm from Gruber & Associates,
a small law firm in Melbourne.
Sorry. I missed a lot of that.
Oh, beg your pardon. Is it dropping out?
It's your accent.
I can barely understand
a word you're saying.
That is a very strong accent.
- Is it?
- "Is it?"
- (DISTORTED ACCENT) Yes, it is, Helen!
- (CHUCKLES)
Did you say you were in 'Melbun'?
Well, I said Melbourne, but whatever.
- Shall we make a start?
- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Sure.
Let's make a 'stut'.
Oh, not even we talk. Jesus.
Theo, this is all very impressive.
Lots of waiting tables
that's always good. Any questions?
So, hours I'm hoping flexible.
Oh, of course we can be flexible
for the right person.
That's great. I've got
two little ones, six and eight.
Ah, both school-age.
Does that mean you'd be looking
to finish at 3:00PM?
Well, no, not both school-aged.
We're actually
holding Rufus back a year.
Gonna start when he's seven.
It's better for the child.
- Is it really?
- Gives them more confidence
and encourages them
to take learning risks.
Does it?
Why don't we talk about what's
required here at Conch Mediation?
So, office basics, obviously,
but number-one priority
- (PHONE RINGS)
- is managing my schedule
- (PHONE RINGS)
- I am so sorry.
I have to take this.
I am lead parent this week.
Hey, little man, what's up?
Gotta be quick, yeah?
Dad's in a very important meeting
with a very important lady.
(MOUTHS)
He hid your asthma puffer?
Tsk. OK, can you put him on? Samuel
where is Rufus's asthma puffer?
No, it doesn't go in the toilet,
Samuel. That's not funny.
- (QUIETLY) I'm so sorry.
- (MOUTHS)
I have a client
who passed away recently.
She left a large bequest
to The Australian Cat Welfare League.
How large?
- $10 million.
- I'm sorry, how much?
- $10 million.
- Say that again.
$10 million. $10 million.
Yeah, I hear you. It's just funny
the way that you say 'tin millien'.
Yeah, OK, do you realise
you're doing a New Zealand accent
when you say 'tin millien'?
Listen, this is
an Australian accent 'ten million'.
Thus is a New Zealand accent
'tin millien'. Hear the difference?
No. Say it again for me.
Alright, thank you. We'll be in touch.
Great, great.
Oh, but no phone calls
before 10:00AM, please.
That's usually when I'm trying
to wrangle the little monsters.
And obviously evenings are a no-go.
That is the witching hour, as they say.
Do they? Indeed.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
- Right.
- (CHUCKLES)
Listen, I'm trying to find
The Australian Cat Welfare League.
Yeah, well good luck with that.
They don't exist.
We made them change their name
back in the '70s.
Change their name?
What did they change it to?
I don't know and I don't care.
They were never affiliated
with the American charity.
What a shame.
'Cause if you were affiliated in any way
you might have had cause
to come after my 'tin million'.
Ah, well, let's just hang on
a minute here, Helen,
because, obviously, when I'm saying
they were never affiliated,
- what I mean to say
- I'm gonna hang up on you now, Chad.
- Hang on
- 'Chad'.
Who looks at a baby and calls it Chad?
It's not even a name.
Sounds like a cheese.
I'm hungry. Is it lunchtime?
Ooh. Nice brown suit.
Hello. I'm Helen Tudor-Fisk
- I don't shake hands.
- OK.
Edith Babcock from
The Australian Cat Welfare Alliance.
Now, I see from the newspaper
Yes, I still get the actual newspaper
That we've been left a bequest
of $10 million.
Yes. Great. I was hoping
this would flush someone out.
See, I was told there was no
Cat Welfare League in Australia
No, you're not listening, dear.
I'm from The Cat Welfare Alliance.
- Yep, what'd I say?
- We used to be called
The Cat Welfare League, but we had
to change our name back in the '70s.
- OK.
- Where's my tea?
There it is, right there.
Thank you, George.
No.
Uh No good?
You want me to make you another one?
No. I'll do it myself.
Where's the kitchen?
Um It's through there and
Sorry, League or
What did she say she was?
- Ooh!
- Right, tea where is it?
I beg your pardon?
Oh, dear, what's wrong with your head?
What's this at the front?
You look like one of those birds.
What am I thinking of?
Like an emu with a lump on its head.
Cassowary? That's it! Cassowary.
I'm sorry, can I help you?
Oh! Tea BAGS! No wonder.
Do you have any tea leaves?
Loose-leaf tea?
- I'm afraid not.
- Extraordinary.
Well, this'll have to do.
I'd like it strong please,
with just a spot of milk.
Now, Madam Cassowary,
where's the lavatory?
It's through there.
I'll just get you the key.
Key? Who locks a toilet? That's absurd.
That's what I've always said.
- That's it. Just one page.
- Irene Sawchuck.
I remember this. But she died ages ago.
Yeah, I know. I kind of put it
in the too-hard basket
when I couldn't track down the charity.
Jeez, Helen, what about all those
poor cats that depend on welfare?
Yeah, righto. You make it sound
like they're all lining up
outside Cat Centrelink
with their little paws out.
- It's not a joke.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's why I'm sorting it out.
- This will is pretty vague.
I reckon you might need to make
a cy pres application.
What's that?
Means a court has to decide
where she wanted the money to go.
Really? Does that mean
I have to go to court?
Worse. You'll probably
have to get a barrister.
(GROANS) No. Boo!
I don't want to get a barrister.
Mm.
- Better, but I can still taste that bag.
- OK.
- OK.
- Mm-hm.
There is a slight issue
with the wording in the will.
Yep.
Irene left her money
to The Cat Welfare LEAGUE
Show it to me.
No, there's no problem.
This is dated 1972, and in 1972
we WERE The Cat Welfare League.
- I've already told you that.
- Yeah, I get it,
but, unfortunately, there's a tedious
legal process we have to go through
in order to prove that.
- More tedious than this?
- I'm afraid so.
Well, I suggest you get on with it.
Now, toilet key give it to me.
That tea's gone right through me.
- I don't have one.
- What? Why not?
Well, there's only one key,
and Roz is the key master.
- Who's Roz?
- The lady with the
Oh.
Bird woman, where are you?!
Why on earth don't YOU have a key
to the lavatory?
Are you an idiot?
Just get another one cut.
Oh, my God. I AM an idiot.
- What's this?
- Your lunch.
- No, I asked for dumplings.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, mate,
you can't Uber Eats dumplings.
Yeah, you can, look.
Dumplings, fries, onion rings,
anything in batter.
These are all foods that need to go
from shop to plate, mate.
Shop to plate.
- They did go from shop to plate.
- No.
These went from shop
to bike to plate, yeah?
These have been
driven around for hours in a box
next to curries, pizza, burgers, tacos,
and what do you get when
you put all those things together?
Delicious party in your mouth?
Cross-contamination.
Dumplings that smells like tacos.
Burgers that taste like curry.
The dumpling shop's just there. Why
didn't you walk across and get 'em?
Why didn't YOU just walk across
and get 'em?
Ooh. What's with the attitude, mate?
Sorry. I'm just really busy.
I'm still doing a lot of Helen's admin.
And Roz is using me
as her personal assistant.
I'm the probate clerk
AND I'm the webmaster. It's a lot.
Did you Uber Eats my dumplings
to get my attention?
Yeah. Maybe.
Well played, buddy. It worked.
I'll talk to Roz.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave 'em.
I'll have those.
- Thanks.
- I'll eat 'em.
Hot happy, but I'll eat 'em.
- Oh, hey, Ray
- Nope.
(SIGHS)
Ray! Ray?
- What?
- Ray.
I'm on my way out.
The dumpling shop closes at 3:00.
OK, well, I just have a quick
question about a cy pres application.
Oh. Christ. Cy pres. Really?
- Yeah.
- OK, sit down. I'll get Roz.
Roz?!
- Rozalind!
- Yes, what?!
We need you in recepo!
God, why does everything take so long?
Fisk needs a barrister. She has to
make a cy pres application.
Ah! what about Graham O'Keefe?
- No, too handsy.
- Mm, good point.
- Uh What about that odd chap
- They're all odd, Rozzie.
The slow talker.
Does that strange eyeball thing.
Lovelock.
He's a bore, but he does live locally,
so, he might be prepared to pop in.
- Save you a trip to chambers.
- Ronald that's his name.
- Ah, yeah, Ronald.
- Do you know him?
No. I was just trying
to be in the meeting.
Meeting's over. Go on,
give old stare-bear Lovelock a call.
Yep. Thanks, Ray.
Hang on, Rozzie. How're you going
with your interviews?
I think George
is feeling a little overworked.
He Uber Eats my dumplings today.
- Ooh, you can't Uber Eats dumplings.
- I know.
Oh, it's 3:05. They're closed.
You're not hungry. You're thirsty.
Have a glass of water.
I am hungry, and I'm going to ring them
and see if they've got any
in the bain-marie.
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING)
Hey, did you know there's a man
in the photocopy cupboard?
- Yeah, that's Brody.
- Brody who?
- Brody from Fiverr.
- From Fiverr What is he, Danish?
No, he's from Fiverr. It's an app.
You can get people to do anything
for a fiver.
Roz'll shit if she finds out
you've outsourced photocopying.
You know how she is
about confidential documents.
So? I'll just throw him
another fiver to forget what he saw.
Righto, Tony Soprano. Are you gonna
whack anyone who crosses you as well?
Maybe. I'm on a hair trigger, Helen.
OK.
Madeline,
I know what I love about mediation,
but tell me
what attracted YOU to the position?
Mediation?
Yes, what is it about the mediation
business that interests you?
Sorry, I I thought
this was a meditation business.
Thank you!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
The law specifically states
that the money
was to take care of Australian cats.
Ooh, hang on.
Got a burp coming.
(GULPS) (PUFFS)
Ooh, up she comes. Sorry, George,
that's the pad thai talking.
Fisk, one more thing
the barrister will insist on being
called Mr Lovelock. Bit of a cock.
OK, money's to
Money was for
Money's for the Australian cats.
To take care of Australian cats.
Got it, yep.
Now that is starting
to look like a schedule.
I think it's some of my best work.
- Hi, Dad.
- Helen. Stay for dinner?
Uh Yeah. Good. OK. Sure. Thanks.
What's going on here?
Are we planning a heist?
- Just getting organised.
- OK.
- Is everything alright?
- Yes.
I told you he just needs to
keep busy.
- What's that, Tone?
- Uh Nothing, Tip.
- Who's for a drink?
- Oh, I'm good, thanks, Dad.
- I'd love a glass of water.
- Thank you.
OK, right, now,
on Friday we've got
a pickleball lesson at 12:00.
Now, Di won't want us to miss that.
We've missed too many.
Sorry, Viktor,
what am I looking at here?
Oh, we started life-drawing classes
today. That's a female nude.
Ooh. Was the female in an accident?
Oh, wow.
Gee, maybe Dad
should be taking it a bit easy.
He's still recovering
from a heart attack.
You don't want to schedule him
into an early grave.
Oh. (SNAPS FINGERS) That reminds me.
We're choosing a mausoleum tomorrow.
I don't think
he's even looked at the brochures.
- Tony?
- (DOOR SHUTS)
What are you doing in the pantry?
Webmaster, did you get
that audio file I sent you?
I really need the brief typed up
before the barrister gets here.
Yeah, I'm working on it. I'll get it
to you by the meeting, I promise.
Which barrister is it?
- Mr Ronald Lovelock.
- He's a weird cat.
Ray said you have to get him some lunch.
Helen, I don't have time to get lunches.
- I've got too much on.
- Calm down.
He said Uber Eats, that he wants
that lunch 'well-travelled',
if you know what I mean.
Ooh, look out, Roz coming in hot.
Where's my 9 o'clock interview?
Bethany Riley?
She called to cancel.
Said the job was too entry level.
Didn't want to start from the bottom.
Oh, for goodness sake, she's 20!
I'm starting to think that young
people don't want to work anymore.
Present company excepted.
Yeah, I'm not actually
that young, Roz. I'm just short.
- I was talking about George.
- Yep.
Hey, your assistant
do they have to be young?
No, just organised
and not afraid of hard work.
- How do you feel about humourless?
- Yes, please.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Walk with me.
Oh, you really ARE quite short.
Mm. It's never held me back.
- I'll take you through now.
- Mm-hm.
- (WHISPERS) There's your brief.
- (WHISPERS) Finally. Thank you.
Helen, this is Mr Lovelock,
the barrister.
Mr Lovelock. Helen Tudor-Fisk.
Come on in.
Take a seat. Thank you very much
or up there for coming in.
I appreciate it. I know
you would normally meet in chambers,
but, um
I was told you lived local, so
this would be OK.
(QUIETLY) Gonna move here, I think.
Given the hour,
midday fast approaching,
I think best
we discuss luncheon arrangements.
Oh, I already ordered.
I like to set my palate,
so, when and what
should I expect to eat?
Sushi. 27 minutes.
Good.
Good, yes.
Sushi.
Very good.
Very, very good.
Alright, then.
So, here's the issue.
This old lady, Irene Sawchuck,
does her will forever ago,
back when there WAS
actually an Australian charity
called The Cat Welfare League.
- Ms Fisk.
- But then what's happening Yep?
I can read.
(SOFTLY) Got it. Shushy.
All making sense?
Finished?
Do you think I have enough
to make the cy pres application?
Have you read this brief?
Yes. Well, I dictated the brief,
so, any questions?
- How was the pad thai?
- What?
(READS) "Oop. Burp coming. Up she comes
"Sorry, George.
That's the pad thai talking."
Meeting room.
Brody. Goddammit, George.
I'm sorry, I was eating my lunch
while I was dictating the brief.
I also enjoyed this paragraph
"Hey, Fisk "
" one thing about the barrister "
" he insists
on being called Mr Lovelock.
He's a bit of a cock."
Is that something you think
I should present to the judge?
Mm Mm, no. No, I don't.
- Alright, then.
- Alright, then.
So, pad thai and 'cock' notwithstanding,
do you think you can prove
the money WAS intended
for the Australian charity?
One can't say.
One can't or one won't?
Ms Fisk, judges are like chimpanzees.
Yes, because they are 98% human
Vicious when provoked,
they like fruit with their lunch
Judges, like chimpanzees,
are highly unpredictable.
Yes, but I think in this case
it's pretty obvious
- that the money
- I'm sorry, are you a judge?
No. I am not, sir.
Well, then, here we are.
Yeah. Ah, lunch! Good, good.
Yes, I don't see a beverage.
Filtered water will be fine, thank you.
- Yes, can you get that, Brody?
- Hm?
Oh, come on.
I saw George pay you already.
He paid me to serve food, not beverages.
Fine. Get out. I'll get it myself.
Shitty job typing up the brief,
by the way, Brody.
(SNIFFS)
Why does this sushi smell like pizza?
That's capricciosa.
- Dad?
- Shh.
Viktor thinks I'm in the study,
writing my memoirs.
Right, I've had enough of this. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Viktor, Dad has something he would
like to say to you. Don't you, Dad?
Come on.
Tip, how would you feel
about rejoining the workforce?
Oh, Tony
have you forgotten? We've retired.
I might need to call Dr Dubas.
Your father's been
a bit out of sorts lately.
I keep finding him in the pantry.
Viktor, this isn't about Dad.
Also it's just small movements
on that, alright? Like that.
- You don't have to give it that much.
- Alright.
You'll put your shoulder out like that.
Dad, can you just say
what you came to say?
Oh, for God's sake.
He wants you to get a job.
But, Tony, YOU'RE my job.
Helen, Edith Babcock is here to see you.
Edith! Wow, you must be pretty happy.
Weird, old Ronald
really came through for you.
What are you gonna do with that 10 mil?
- Spend it on the cats, of course.
- Of course, it's for the cats.
So, where is it?
- What?
- The money.
Oh, it's in our company trust account.
Did you think you were gonna get
a big novelty cheque?
No, a regular-sized cheque is fine.
- Mm.
- And what about the interest?
- Will that be paid separately?
- Interest?
Yes, I imagine there's quite a bit
of interest on $10 million.
After all, it's been sitting there
for nine months.
I imagine you're right.
I I'll have a look for you.
- Just get up your account. Here we go.
- Well?
I'm looking. Don't
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SOFT BUZZ)
Yep. Um Should be
(SOFT BUZZ)
Are you the Do you put
Are you sure
we didn't pay you the money already?
Oh, of course I'm sure. I'm sorry,
what seems to be the problem?
What is the prob
Nothing is the problem.
Don't touch my
It's not your business, that's mine.
So, when are you going
to transfer that money?
Oh, my God, what is the rush?
Did the cats not get their breakfast
this morning or something? Just
I just think that maybe
we should do a big novelty cheque.
It's a good publicity opportunity.
We'll take a photo.
Good for the charity. Let's do that.
I'm gonna order it and
I'll let you know when it comes in.
- OK?
- Good.
Oh, no, that cheque thing is
Just get out. Go.
I'm very busy.
George!
- Did you want
- Yes, quick, come in. Shut the door.
- I think I've lost $10 million.
- How'd you get $10 million?
Oh, the slots. I've got a system.
Come on, Helen, you can't win that
sort of money on the poker machines.
Blackjack, maybe, but only
if you knew how to count cards.
Shh! Listen.
It's not my money,
it's the cat-lady money.
It's not in our company trust account.
no, I moved it months ago.
What? Why?
You can't just leave money
in the trust account.
It doesn't earn interest.
Roz almost got sued for that once.
Hey, shut the door.
Oh, come on, I'm not paying you
five bucks to shut the door.
Fine. Give me the key.
Thank you.
No, no, the original
has to go back into Roz's office.
You paid me to get that key cut.
If you want me to put this key
in the scary lady's office,
it's gonna be another fiver.
Danger money.
You know what?
This is a rort.
There, whatever's there, that's yours.
(QUIETLY) Rude.
- Shut the door!
- Nah.
(GROANS) That's your $10,172,000
all in an interest-bearing account.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Georgie Chen, if I was a hugger
I would hug you so hard right now.
You know what? Wait right there.
- OK.
- Alright. Just one for
Yep, he's gonna hug you.
That's nice.
Bit longer. Bit longer.
And release.
- Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Top stuff.
Bit of a treat.
(GASPS) Viktor!
I'm honoured. I am thrilled
you're taking this on.
Yeah, me too. Thanks, man.
Yes, well, Justice Fisk
thought it might be a good idea,
- and the judge always knows best.
- Indeed.
You know, I find being a mediator
a little bit like being a judge.
- Is that a joke?
- No, I don't really do jokes.
Hm! This could be
a match made in heaven.
Viktor! You changed your mind.
Yes, your father talked me into it.
- Right.
- Uh Teabag in the bin, please.
- Don't leave it in the sink.
- (GASPS)
Thank you. Here we are.
- This is us, Conch Mediation Services.
- Lovely.
So, hours 9:00 to 5:00.
I hope that works for you.
Uh I prefer to start at 8:00.
I can ride in with Helen.
Oh, no, Viktor, I don't start till 9:00.
- Nothing wrong with getting in early.
- Mm.
We'll be here at 8:00AM,
Monday to Friday.
Oh, my God, I really AM an idiot!
Good man.
Now cross the road.
That's it.
Keep coming. Cross the road.
No.
No, don't take another job.
What?
Mate, shop to plate. Shop to plate.
(KNOCKS) Shop to
Mate! (KNOCKS) Hey!
George, he's wandered
up the street with them!
How did you know?
Brody. Goddammit.
You should have paid him a fiver
to keep his mouth shut.
- (INSECTS CHIRP)
- (WATER LAPS)
How'd you like the new boss?
Mm, well, you were right.
They do need me.
Have you got four across?
I'm not helping you, Tip.
It's an anagram.
Work it out for yourself.
Well, you know what the problem is?
I can't do the cryptic at night. In bed.
I told you this was madness.
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- (TABLET CAMERA CLICKS)
The bank won't redeem this, you know?
Meow, meow, meow ♪
Is this your cat?
One of many.
- Mm.
- (CAT WHIMPERS)
(BIRDSONG)
Dad, what time is it?
- Am I late? What's going on?
- No, no, it's 6:30.
I just wanted to sit
and have a bit of a read.
Can't you read in your giant house?
Once we're up, we're on a schedule.
I'm supposed to be in the shower
right now.
- Tony?
- (KNOCKS)
- Tony?
- Bugger.
There you are. Mm.
You left the shower running.
You're not dressed? Are you alright?
Yes, fine. Helen just wanted
a bit of company over breakfast.
- Really, Helen?
- Yep.
Well, we're right out of whack now.
Where can we make up some time?
I suppose we could always do
the crossword this evening.
Could we do the cryptic in bed
or is that madness?
Oh, 6:33.
Come on, I'll put the toast on.
You give yourself a wash.
No time for a shower now, so, just
a quick A, P and C for you, please.
A, P and C?
Armpits and crutch.
Oh, Dad, come on. Please, use my shower.
He means well, just needs to be busy.
He wasn't ready for retirement.
Come on, Tony.
You'll be down to a crotch wash only
if you don't hurry up.
Oh, Jesus.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
George, why am I meeting
with The American Cat Welfare League
at 10:00AM?
- I don't know, 'cause you like cats?
- No, I don't like cats.
- Have you ever had a cat?
- No. I just said I don't like them.
How do you know you don't like cats
if you've never had one?
That's a good point, Roz.
Hey, webmaster, I'm supposed to have
a Zoom meeting with The American Cat
Welfare League in five minutes,
but you never sent me the invitation.
- Yes, I did.
- Ohh
- You've sent it to me.
- What?
- You've made a mistake.
- No, I haven't.
Oh, yeah, you have.
You've sent it to Roz.
Can you send it to me. And also
I need this lot photocopied?
Gruber & Associates. How may I help you?
No, no, no, that's Conch.
- What?
- That's the Conch Mediation Line.
"Good morning! Conch Mediation.
You talk, we listen."
Don't worry,
just put it through to my office.
Conch Mediation.
We talk, you No, hang on.
You Whatever. Here's Roz.
What's going on with you
this morning? Are you high?
No. I'm overworked.
- Sorry. I'm just kidding.
- It's not funny.
I'm doing three jobs at the moment.
How many are YOU doing?
- Just one.
- Yeah, so, shut up.
Sorry, that was unnecessarily
aggressive.
- That's OK. Are you alright?
- I'm really stressed.
Roz still hasn't hired
a new personal assistant.
Oh, no.
Grandma's away on a cruise.
I really miss her.
That's so sad, but I do
have the meeting in one minute.
- Could you send it through?
- (PHONES RING)
But I do want to hear about Grandma,
so put a pin in that.
(PHONES RING)
Hi. I was wondering
if I could speak to Roz Gruber.
WOMAN: Hello?
Hello?
- Hello! Chad Sittler.
- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Correct.
I represent
The Cat Welfare League of America.
My name's Helen. Helen Tudor-Fisk.
I'm from Gruber & Associates,
a small law firm in Melbourne.
Sorry. I missed a lot of that.
Oh, beg your pardon. Is it dropping out?
It's your accent.
I can barely understand
a word you're saying.
That is a very strong accent.
- Is it?
- "Is it?"
- (DISTORTED ACCENT) Yes, it is, Helen!
- (CHUCKLES)
Did you say you were in 'Melbun'?
Well, I said Melbourne, but whatever.
- Shall we make a start?
- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Sure.
Let's make a 'stut'.
Oh, not even we talk. Jesus.
Theo, this is all very impressive.
Lots of waiting tables
that's always good. Any questions?
So, hours I'm hoping flexible.
Oh, of course we can be flexible
for the right person.
That's great. I've got
two little ones, six and eight.
Ah, both school-age.
Does that mean you'd be looking
to finish at 3:00PM?
Well, no, not both school-aged.
We're actually
holding Rufus back a year.
Gonna start when he's seven.
It's better for the child.
- Is it really?
- Gives them more confidence
and encourages them
to take learning risks.
Does it?
Why don't we talk about what's
required here at Conch Mediation?
So, office basics, obviously,
but number-one priority
- (PHONE RINGS)
- is managing my schedule
- (PHONE RINGS)
- I am so sorry.
I have to take this.
I am lead parent this week.
Hey, little man, what's up?
Gotta be quick, yeah?
Dad's in a very important meeting
with a very important lady.
(MOUTHS)
He hid your asthma puffer?
Tsk. OK, can you put him on? Samuel
where is Rufus's asthma puffer?
No, it doesn't go in the toilet,
Samuel. That's not funny.
- (QUIETLY) I'm so sorry.
- (MOUTHS)
I have a client
who passed away recently.
She left a large bequest
to The Australian Cat Welfare League.
How large?
- $10 million.
- I'm sorry, how much?
- $10 million.
- Say that again.
$10 million. $10 million.
Yeah, I hear you. It's just funny
the way that you say 'tin millien'.
Yeah, OK, do you realise
you're doing a New Zealand accent
when you say 'tin millien'?
Listen, this is
an Australian accent 'ten million'.
Thus is a New Zealand accent
'tin millien'. Hear the difference?
No. Say it again for me.
Alright, thank you. We'll be in touch.
Great, great.
Oh, but no phone calls
before 10:00AM, please.
That's usually when I'm trying
to wrangle the little monsters.
And obviously evenings are a no-go.
That is the witching hour, as they say.
Do they? Indeed.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
- Right.
- (CHUCKLES)
Listen, I'm trying to find
The Australian Cat Welfare League.
Yeah, well good luck with that.
They don't exist.
We made them change their name
back in the '70s.
Change their name?
What did they change it to?
I don't know and I don't care.
They were never affiliated
with the American charity.
What a shame.
'Cause if you were affiliated in any way
you might have had cause
to come after my 'tin million'.
Ah, well, let's just hang on
a minute here, Helen,
because, obviously, when I'm saying
they were never affiliated,
- what I mean to say
- I'm gonna hang up on you now, Chad.
- Hang on
- 'Chad'.
Who looks at a baby and calls it Chad?
It's not even a name.
Sounds like a cheese.
I'm hungry. Is it lunchtime?
Ooh. Nice brown suit.
Hello. I'm Helen Tudor-Fisk
- I don't shake hands.
- OK.
Edith Babcock from
The Australian Cat Welfare Alliance.
Now, I see from the newspaper
Yes, I still get the actual newspaper
That we've been left a bequest
of $10 million.
Yes. Great. I was hoping
this would flush someone out.
See, I was told there was no
Cat Welfare League in Australia
No, you're not listening, dear.
I'm from The Cat Welfare Alliance.
- Yep, what'd I say?
- We used to be called
The Cat Welfare League, but we had
to change our name back in the '70s.
- OK.
- Where's my tea?
There it is, right there.
Thank you, George.
No.
Uh No good?
You want me to make you another one?
No. I'll do it myself.
Where's the kitchen?
Um It's through there and
Sorry, League or
What did she say she was?
- Ooh!
- Right, tea where is it?
I beg your pardon?
Oh, dear, what's wrong with your head?
What's this at the front?
You look like one of those birds.
What am I thinking of?
Like an emu with a lump on its head.
Cassowary? That's it! Cassowary.
I'm sorry, can I help you?
Oh! Tea BAGS! No wonder.
Do you have any tea leaves?
Loose-leaf tea?
- I'm afraid not.
- Extraordinary.
Well, this'll have to do.
I'd like it strong please,
with just a spot of milk.
Now, Madam Cassowary,
where's the lavatory?
It's through there.
I'll just get you the key.
Key? Who locks a toilet? That's absurd.
That's what I've always said.
- That's it. Just one page.
- Irene Sawchuck.
I remember this. But she died ages ago.
Yeah, I know. I kind of put it
in the too-hard basket
when I couldn't track down the charity.
Jeez, Helen, what about all those
poor cats that depend on welfare?
Yeah, righto. You make it sound
like they're all lining up
outside Cat Centrelink
with their little paws out.
- It's not a joke.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's why I'm sorting it out.
- This will is pretty vague.
I reckon you might need to make
a cy pres application.
What's that?
Means a court has to decide
where she wanted the money to go.
Really? Does that mean
I have to go to court?
Worse. You'll probably
have to get a barrister.
(GROANS) No. Boo!
I don't want to get a barrister.
Mm.
- Better, but I can still taste that bag.
- OK.
- OK.
- Mm-hm.
There is a slight issue
with the wording in the will.
Yep.
Irene left her money
to The Cat Welfare LEAGUE
Show it to me.
No, there's no problem.
This is dated 1972, and in 1972
we WERE The Cat Welfare League.
- I've already told you that.
- Yeah, I get it,
but, unfortunately, there's a tedious
legal process we have to go through
in order to prove that.
- More tedious than this?
- I'm afraid so.
Well, I suggest you get on with it.
Now, toilet key give it to me.
That tea's gone right through me.
- I don't have one.
- What? Why not?
Well, there's only one key,
and Roz is the key master.
- Who's Roz?
- The lady with the
Oh.
Bird woman, where are you?!
Why on earth don't YOU have a key
to the lavatory?
Are you an idiot?
Just get another one cut.
Oh, my God. I AM an idiot.
- What's this?
- Your lunch.
- No, I asked for dumplings.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, mate,
you can't Uber Eats dumplings.
Yeah, you can, look.
Dumplings, fries, onion rings,
anything in batter.
These are all foods that need to go
from shop to plate, mate.
Shop to plate.
- They did go from shop to plate.
- No.
These went from shop
to bike to plate, yeah?
These have been
driven around for hours in a box
next to curries, pizza, burgers, tacos,
and what do you get when
you put all those things together?
Delicious party in your mouth?
Cross-contamination.
Dumplings that smells like tacos.
Burgers that taste like curry.
The dumpling shop's just there. Why
didn't you walk across and get 'em?
Why didn't YOU just walk across
and get 'em?
Ooh. What's with the attitude, mate?
Sorry. I'm just really busy.
I'm still doing a lot of Helen's admin.
And Roz is using me
as her personal assistant.
I'm the probate clerk
AND I'm the webmaster. It's a lot.
Did you Uber Eats my dumplings
to get my attention?
Yeah. Maybe.
Well played, buddy. It worked.
I'll talk to Roz.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave 'em.
I'll have those.
- Thanks.
- I'll eat 'em.
Hot happy, but I'll eat 'em.
- Oh, hey, Ray
- Nope.
(SIGHS)
Ray! Ray?
- What?
- Ray.
I'm on my way out.
The dumpling shop closes at 3:00.
OK, well, I just have a quick
question about a cy pres application.
Oh. Christ. Cy pres. Really?
- Yeah.
- OK, sit down. I'll get Roz.
Roz?!
- Rozalind!
- Yes, what?!
We need you in recepo!
God, why does everything take so long?
Fisk needs a barrister. She has to
make a cy pres application.
Ah! what about Graham O'Keefe?
- No, too handsy.
- Mm, good point.
- Uh What about that odd chap
- They're all odd, Rozzie.
The slow talker.
Does that strange eyeball thing.
Lovelock.
He's a bore, but he does live locally,
so, he might be prepared to pop in.
- Save you a trip to chambers.
- Ronald that's his name.
- Ah, yeah, Ronald.
- Do you know him?
No. I was just trying
to be in the meeting.
Meeting's over. Go on,
give old stare-bear Lovelock a call.
Yep. Thanks, Ray.
Hang on, Rozzie. How're you going
with your interviews?
I think George
is feeling a little overworked.
He Uber Eats my dumplings today.
- Ooh, you can't Uber Eats dumplings.
- I know.
Oh, it's 3:05. They're closed.
You're not hungry. You're thirsty.
Have a glass of water.
I am hungry, and I'm going to ring them
and see if they've got any
in the bain-marie.
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING)
Hey, did you know there's a man
in the photocopy cupboard?
- Yeah, that's Brody.
- Brody who?
- Brody from Fiverr.
- From Fiverr What is he, Danish?
No, he's from Fiverr. It's an app.
You can get people to do anything
for a fiver.
Roz'll shit if she finds out
you've outsourced photocopying.
You know how she is
about confidential documents.
So? I'll just throw him
another fiver to forget what he saw.
Righto, Tony Soprano. Are you gonna
whack anyone who crosses you as well?
Maybe. I'm on a hair trigger, Helen.
OK.
Madeline,
I know what I love about mediation,
but tell me
what attracted YOU to the position?
Mediation?
Yes, what is it about the mediation
business that interests you?
Sorry, I I thought
this was a meditation business.
Thank you!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
The law specifically states
that the money
was to take care of Australian cats.
Ooh, hang on.
Got a burp coming.
(GULPS) (PUFFS)
Ooh, up she comes. Sorry, George,
that's the pad thai talking.
Fisk, one more thing
the barrister will insist on being
called Mr Lovelock. Bit of a cock.
OK, money's to
Money was for
Money's for the Australian cats.
To take care of Australian cats.
Got it, yep.
Now that is starting
to look like a schedule.
I think it's some of my best work.
- Hi, Dad.
- Helen. Stay for dinner?
Uh Yeah. Good. OK. Sure. Thanks.
What's going on here?
Are we planning a heist?
- Just getting organised.
- OK.
- Is everything alright?
- Yes.
I told you he just needs to
keep busy.
- What's that, Tone?
- Uh Nothing, Tip.
- Who's for a drink?
- Oh, I'm good, thanks, Dad.
- I'd love a glass of water.
- Thank you.
OK, right, now,
on Friday we've got
a pickleball lesson at 12:00.
Now, Di won't want us to miss that.
We've missed too many.
Sorry, Viktor,
what am I looking at here?
Oh, we started life-drawing classes
today. That's a female nude.
Ooh. Was the female in an accident?
Oh, wow.
Gee, maybe Dad
should be taking it a bit easy.
He's still recovering
from a heart attack.
You don't want to schedule him
into an early grave.
Oh. (SNAPS FINGERS) That reminds me.
We're choosing a mausoleum tomorrow.
I don't think
he's even looked at the brochures.
- Tony?
- (DOOR SHUTS)
What are you doing in the pantry?
Webmaster, did you get
that audio file I sent you?
I really need the brief typed up
before the barrister gets here.
Yeah, I'm working on it. I'll get it
to you by the meeting, I promise.
Which barrister is it?
- Mr Ronald Lovelock.
- He's a weird cat.
Ray said you have to get him some lunch.
Helen, I don't have time to get lunches.
- I've got too much on.
- Calm down.
He said Uber Eats, that he wants
that lunch 'well-travelled',
if you know what I mean.
Ooh, look out, Roz coming in hot.
Where's my 9 o'clock interview?
Bethany Riley?
She called to cancel.
Said the job was too entry level.
Didn't want to start from the bottom.
Oh, for goodness sake, she's 20!
I'm starting to think that young
people don't want to work anymore.
Present company excepted.
Yeah, I'm not actually
that young, Roz. I'm just short.
- I was talking about George.
- Yep.
Hey, your assistant
do they have to be young?
No, just organised
and not afraid of hard work.
- How do you feel about humourless?
- Yes, please.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Walk with me.
Oh, you really ARE quite short.
Mm. It's never held me back.
- I'll take you through now.
- Mm-hm.
- (WHISPERS) There's your brief.
- (WHISPERS) Finally. Thank you.
Helen, this is Mr Lovelock,
the barrister.
Mr Lovelock. Helen Tudor-Fisk.
Come on in.
Take a seat. Thank you very much
or up there for coming in.
I appreciate it. I know
you would normally meet in chambers,
but, um
I was told you lived local, so
this would be OK.
(QUIETLY) Gonna move here, I think.
Given the hour,
midday fast approaching,
I think best
we discuss luncheon arrangements.
Oh, I already ordered.
I like to set my palate,
so, when and what
should I expect to eat?
Sushi. 27 minutes.
Good.
Good, yes.
Sushi.
Very good.
Very, very good.
Alright, then.
So, here's the issue.
This old lady, Irene Sawchuck,
does her will forever ago,
back when there WAS
actually an Australian charity
called The Cat Welfare League.
- Ms Fisk.
- But then what's happening Yep?
I can read.
(SOFTLY) Got it. Shushy.
All making sense?
Finished?
Do you think I have enough
to make the cy pres application?
Have you read this brief?
Yes. Well, I dictated the brief,
so, any questions?
- How was the pad thai?
- What?
(READS) "Oop. Burp coming. Up she comes
"Sorry, George.
That's the pad thai talking."
Meeting room.
Brody. Goddammit, George.
I'm sorry, I was eating my lunch
while I was dictating the brief.
I also enjoyed this paragraph
"Hey, Fisk "
" one thing about the barrister "
" he insists
on being called Mr Lovelock.
He's a bit of a cock."
Is that something you think
I should present to the judge?
Mm Mm, no. No, I don't.
- Alright, then.
- Alright, then.
So, pad thai and 'cock' notwithstanding,
do you think you can prove
the money WAS intended
for the Australian charity?
One can't say.
One can't or one won't?
Ms Fisk, judges are like chimpanzees.
Yes, because they are 98% human
Vicious when provoked,
they like fruit with their lunch
Judges, like chimpanzees,
are highly unpredictable.
Yes, but I think in this case
it's pretty obvious
- that the money
- I'm sorry, are you a judge?
No. I am not, sir.
Well, then, here we are.
Yeah. Ah, lunch! Good, good.
Yes, I don't see a beverage.
Filtered water will be fine, thank you.
- Yes, can you get that, Brody?
- Hm?
Oh, come on.
I saw George pay you already.
He paid me to serve food, not beverages.
Fine. Get out. I'll get it myself.
Shitty job typing up the brief,
by the way, Brody.
(SNIFFS)
Why does this sushi smell like pizza?
That's capricciosa.
- Dad?
- Shh.
Viktor thinks I'm in the study,
writing my memoirs.
Right, I've had enough of this. Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Viktor, Dad has something he would
like to say to you. Don't you, Dad?
Come on.
Tip, how would you feel
about rejoining the workforce?
Oh, Tony
have you forgotten? We've retired.
I might need to call Dr Dubas.
Your father's been
a bit out of sorts lately.
I keep finding him in the pantry.
Viktor, this isn't about Dad.
Also it's just small movements
on that, alright? Like that.
- You don't have to give it that much.
- Alright.
You'll put your shoulder out like that.
Dad, can you just say
what you came to say?
Oh, for God's sake.
He wants you to get a job.
But, Tony, YOU'RE my job.
Helen, Edith Babcock is here to see you.
Edith! Wow, you must be pretty happy.
Weird, old Ronald
really came through for you.
What are you gonna do with that 10 mil?
- Spend it on the cats, of course.
- Of course, it's for the cats.
So, where is it?
- What?
- The money.
Oh, it's in our company trust account.
Did you think you were gonna get
a big novelty cheque?
No, a regular-sized cheque is fine.
- Mm.
- And what about the interest?
- Will that be paid separately?
- Interest?
Yes, I imagine there's quite a bit
of interest on $10 million.
After all, it's been sitting there
for nine months.
I imagine you're right.
I I'll have a look for you.
- Just get up your account. Here we go.
- Well?
I'm looking. Don't
- (CHUCKLES)
- (SOFT BUZZ)
Yep. Um Should be
(SOFT BUZZ)
Are you the Do you put
Are you sure
we didn't pay you the money already?
Oh, of course I'm sure. I'm sorry,
what seems to be the problem?
What is the prob
Nothing is the problem.
Don't touch my
It's not your business, that's mine.
So, when are you going
to transfer that money?
Oh, my God, what is the rush?
Did the cats not get their breakfast
this morning or something? Just
I just think that maybe
we should do a big novelty cheque.
It's a good publicity opportunity.
We'll take a photo.
Good for the charity. Let's do that.
I'm gonna order it and
I'll let you know when it comes in.
- OK?
- Good.
Oh, no, that cheque thing is
Just get out. Go.
I'm very busy.
George!
- Did you want
- Yes, quick, come in. Shut the door.
- I think I've lost $10 million.
- How'd you get $10 million?
Oh, the slots. I've got a system.
Come on, Helen, you can't win that
sort of money on the poker machines.
Blackjack, maybe, but only
if you knew how to count cards.
Shh! Listen.
It's not my money,
it's the cat-lady money.
It's not in our company trust account.
no, I moved it months ago.
What? Why?
You can't just leave money
in the trust account.
It doesn't earn interest.
Roz almost got sued for that once.
Hey, shut the door.
Oh, come on, I'm not paying you
five bucks to shut the door.
Fine. Give me the key.
Thank you.
No, no, the original
has to go back into Roz's office.
You paid me to get that key cut.
If you want me to put this key
in the scary lady's office,
it's gonna be another fiver.
Danger money.
You know what?
This is a rort.
There, whatever's there, that's yours.
(QUIETLY) Rude.
- Shut the door!
- Nah.
(GROANS) That's your $10,172,000
all in an interest-bearing account.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Georgie Chen, if I was a hugger
I would hug you so hard right now.
You know what? Wait right there.
- OK.
- Alright. Just one for
Yep, he's gonna hug you.
That's nice.
Bit longer. Bit longer.
And release.
- Thank you very much.
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Top stuff.
Bit of a treat.
(GASPS) Viktor!
I'm honoured. I am thrilled
you're taking this on.
Yeah, me too. Thanks, man.
Yes, well, Justice Fisk
thought it might be a good idea,
- and the judge always knows best.
- Indeed.
You know, I find being a mediator
a little bit like being a judge.
- Is that a joke?
- No, I don't really do jokes.
Hm! This could be
a match made in heaven.
Viktor! You changed your mind.
Yes, your father talked me into it.
- Right.
- Uh Teabag in the bin, please.
- Don't leave it in the sink.
- (GASPS)
Thank you. Here we are.
- This is us, Conch Mediation Services.
- Lovely.
So, hours 9:00 to 5:00.
I hope that works for you.
Uh I prefer to start at 8:00.
I can ride in with Helen.
Oh, no, Viktor, I don't start till 9:00.
- Nothing wrong with getting in early.
- Mm.
We'll be here at 8:00AM,
Monday to Friday.
Oh, my God, I really AM an idiot!
Good man.
Now cross the road.
That's it.
Keep coming. Cross the road.
No.
No, don't take another job.
What?
Mate, shop to plate. Shop to plate.
(KNOCKS) Shop to
Mate! (KNOCKS) Hey!
George, he's wandered
up the street with them!
How did you know?
Brody. Goddammit.
You should have paid him a fiver
to keep his mouth shut.
- (INSECTS CHIRP)
- (WATER LAPS)
How'd you like the new boss?
Mm, well, you were right.
They do need me.
Have you got four across?
I'm not helping you, Tip.
It's an anagram.
Work it out for yourself.
Well, you know what the problem is?
I can't do the cryptic at night. In bed.
I told you this was madness.
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- (TABLET CAMERA CLICKS)
The bank won't redeem this, you know?
Meow, meow, meow ♪
Is this your cat?
One of many.
- Mm.
- (CAT WHIMPERS)