Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e05 Episode Script
The Sweepstakes
1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Oh, there you are.
They look very refreshing, gilligan.
Papaya and coconut milk for Mr. Howell,
and guava and pineapple
for you, Mrs. Howell.
I distinctly said pineapple
and coconut milk, gilligan.
And mine was papaya and guava.
Here.
What are you doing?
Gilligan, exactly what are you doing?
Pouring your papaya
into Mrs. Howell's cup,
and her guava into your cup.
Oh, that's very clever
of him, isn't it, darling?
Well, I reserve judgment
till I sample the brew.
Uh, gilligan, would you
adjust the parasol, please?
You know I never take sun. Yes, ma'am.
Uh, would you turn on the radio?
The midweek financial report.
Very important. Yes, sir.
And my fan, gilligan, please. Yes, ma'am.
Fluff me, will you, gilligan?
Fluff me, too, huh?
Radio: This is John Reid
king of kdka news in Pittsburgh.
We interrupt our midweek financial
report from the world's capitals.
An item just in from buenos aries.
The winning argentinian sweepstakes
first prize ticket has just been drawn.
Hey, I bought a ticket
in that sweepstakes.
The winning ticket number is g131131.
This million dollars is non-taxable.
[Gags]
Hey, that's that's a coincidence.
I got the same number. G131131.
[Laughs]
The winning ticket!
I've got the winning ticket!
I won the sweepstakes!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
I've got I got g131131!
I got the I got it! Oh, boy!
That is, if I don't have to
collect the money right away.
King: The winner can
collect the money anytime.
Thanks. I'm a millionaire, Mr. Howell!
I'm a millionaire!
Hey, skipper, professor! I'm
a millionaire! I'm a millionaire!
I got the ticket! I'm a millionaire!
I'm a millionaire! I got the ticket!
I got the ticket! I'm a millionaire!
Hi, skipper. I'm a millionaire!
A tax-free millionaire!
I'm a millionaire! I'm
gilligan, for goodness
sakes, simmer down.
I'm a millionaire!
What's all this nonsense
about being a millionaire?
I'm a millionaire! I'm a millionaire!
Skipper, what's all the screaming about?
Oh, he said something about a ticket.
Did you see a boat?
Gilligan, did you see a boat?
No.
Gilligan, what's all the shouting about?
[Mumbles]
Well, it is a bit hot today.
Perhaps gilligan has a touch of the sun.
I think that's it, professor. He does feel
I got the ticket. I'm a millionaire.
He keeps saying that
over and over again.
He's flipped.
What kind of a ticket
would make somebody rich?
Well, perhaps if the skipper
will remove his hand, gilligan will tell us.
Oh. Yeah.
Hi, professor. Hi, girls.
Oh, gilligan, never mind the amenities.
Tell us about this.
I got the ticket. I got
the tax-exempt ticket.
I'm a tax-exempt millionaire.
What ticket?
The sweepstakes ticket
in South America.
Oh, and I suppose a
little bird flew down here
and told you that you've won.
No, I heard it on the radio,
and see, he read the number out,
and it's the winning ticket.
And I've got the same number,
and the howells heard it, too.
Well, I guess it's true.
Our friend here's a millionaire.
Oh!
Congratulations, gilligan. Put her there.
No, I just remembered
what Mr. Howell said.
When you're rich,
everybody's got their hand out.
Oh, for Pete's sake,
gilligan. Shake hands.
[All talking at once]
Here you are, Mr. Howell.
I think I got it right. Guava and papaya.
No, no, gilligan, my boy.
Just put the little tray down.
There you are. Nice.
Now, gilligan, you just
come over here and lie down.
Me? There. Yes.
Now, you comfy, dear?
Could you fluff my pillow?
We'll fluff you up a little. There you are.
There. You got a little drink, huh?
Uh, Mrs. Howell and I were
having a meeting of the board,
and we decided to admit a new member
to this terribly exclusive private club,
and, gilligan, guess
who the new member is.
The skipper? No.
The professor? No, no.
Who is loaded with money?
You are. Aside from me.
Oh, me. But I'm only a
one million millionaire.
Well, be that as it may,
you have the $50,000
for the initiation fee.
So while I administer the oath of loyalty
to the club and to its principles
uh, lovey, will you get gilligan
his own private club blazer?
Oh, certainly, dear.
Alright. It's alright.
Put down the drink and we will now
uh, here place your right hand
on this pile of currency.
No, don't clutch, my boy!
Now, I, uh, pledge allegiance
to the spirit of money, the
color for which it stands,
one currency divisible by 10,
with luxury and affluence
to the very fortunate few.
Is something amiss?
Well, that pledge. I never
heard one like that before.
That's the way I was taught at smu.
Smu?
Super millionaires university.
Moo-la, moo-la ♪
moo-la, moo-la ♪
moo-la, moo-la ♪
la ♪moo-la, moo-la ♪
ha ha ha. You had an 8.
I believe that I had a 4.
A 4? You millionaires can
make yourselves believe anything.
Would you believe it that I made once
less than a hole in one?
Less than a hole in one?
That's right. I missed
the ball and sank the divot.
Ha ha ha. It's a golfing joke.
Oh, there you are, gilligan.
I want you to help me
fix the back wall in the supply hut.
I fixed that wall last week.
Exactly, gilligan.
That's why we have to fix it
again this week.
Aw, skipper, it's too hot to work.
Why don't you join us, huh?
Uh, young man, would you,
uh, step over here just one moment?
Is he a member of the club?
Is he a millionaire?
Is he worth anything except
that broken-down boat?
Then how can the likes of him
join the likes of us, huh?
It's not likely.
No, dismiss him.
Dismiss him. Ok. Casually.
Uh, some other time. Huh, skipper?
Yeah, well, thanks a lot for the invitation.
Do you think he's mad?
Well, uh, piqued, perhaps.
Ego bruised, maybe.
Feelings hurt, possibly.
Mad? He's furious. Ha ha ha.
Now, gilligan, observe.
One doesn't drink a tea
oh, I'm glad to hear that,
because I'd rather have, like,
cocoa or soda pop or milk or root beer
yes, dear. Now, one doesn't drink tea.
One sips, like this.
You try. Ok.
[Slurps]
Oh, gilligan.
Not so good, huh?
Well, I always was a slurpy supper.
Practice makes perfect.
Now, handling the
appurtenances of a tea party
is really quite an art.
Sugar, the cream,
balancing the cookies, there.
Now, you try it, dear.
Good.
Hi. Oh, Mary Ann.
Hi. What are you doing?
Uh, we're having a tea lesson.
Gilligan, when a lady approaches
or enters a room,
a gentleman stands up.
Oh, I'm sorry. I [Crash]
Gilligan.
[Mumbling] Oh, yeah. Marvelous.
Ha ha. Money. Ha ha ha.
All this money, and nothing to do,
and nobody to do it with.
Hmm? You were, uh,
saying something, old boy?
Mr. Howell, now that I'm a
member of the club, what can I do?
I had more fun when
I was a club steward.
Well, you haven't got the
knack of being idly rich.
You see, you should do like me.
Just snooze and dream,
dream and snooze.
The pleasures are unlimited.
Not for me, Mr. Howell.
When I go to sleep, I have nightmares
about big crawly things and creatures
and big hairy monsters that
grab you around the throat.
Ooh, how vulgar. Your
dreams are too ordinary.
You should, uh, upgrade them.
Upgrade them?
Well, yes. You you take my dreams,
like the one that you just interrupted.
It was marvelous.
I was foreclosing the mortgage
on a life-long friend,
and I was creating a poverty pocket
right in the heart of
Beverly Hills. Downtown.
I don't want to dream about making
more money, I want to spend it.
Egad, you have nothing but nightmares.
Now, there's only one use for money,
and that's to make more money.
But, Mr. Howell, I want to
spend it to make people happy.
Well, that's a very noble sentiment,
very warm and generous, but stupid.
Now, let me finish that
dream on a pleasant note.
The wholesale arrest
of the supreme court.
Ha!
Me join the club? Why not?
Well, I can give you the best
why-not I could ever tell you.
It just so happens I don't have $50,000.
You could get it if you wanted to.
Where? Out of my sea chest?
Out of my back pocket?
Boy, are you a bad
guesser. You want a hint?
No, gilligan. I don't want a hint.
Try your little buddy gilligan.
Alright, I'll try
try my little buddy gilligan?
Good guess.
Gilligan, you mean
you'd lend me the money?
No.
You sure know how to hurt a fellow.
No, I wouldn't lend it to
you, but I'd give it to you.
Gilligan, I want to tell you
winning this million dollars
has done something to you.
It's made me rich.
No, it's more than that.
I mean, it's given you real vision.
Can you imagine the idea
of you and me and the
howells in the same club?
It's gonna have nothing but class.
Yeah. I'll see you later, skipper.
Uh, where are you going?
I'm gonna find ginger.
I can't wait to see what she does
when I give her $50,000.
How dare you?
All you men are alike.
I suppose you'll want a kiss now.
No, I don't want a kiss.
I've never been so insulted in all my life.
So, I'm not worth kissing.
No, that's not what I meant. Honest.
Are you sure?
Cross my heart. I only
want to pay for your initiation
into our exclusive private club.
Oh. Oh. Oh, gilligan.
[Bonk] Oh.
[Knocking]
[Knocking] Oh.
Ha ha ha. Sorry, Mr. Howell.
I'm sorry. No one under
the rank of rear admiral
is permitted in the club.
Wait, Mr. Howell. Yes, what's that?
Read this and weep.
Uh, read that. "I owe you. Gilligan" oh.
Oh, and, Mr. Howell? Yes?
I like my deck chair to face the lagoon.
Ha ha ha.
Mrs. Howell? Nice.
Oh, my goodness. What
are we gonna do with him?
What are we gonna do with her?
Oh. Oh, yes. No, I'm
terribly sorry, my dear.
The servants' entrance is to the rear.
Oh, I couldn't care less.
I am a member, you know.
My I.O.U., please?
Your I.O.U., yes. Of course.
Oh, hello, Mary Ann. Hello, skipper.
The world is crumbling, lovey.
That girl is sitting in my chair.
[Gasps] She's using my fan!
Ahem.
Look who has a card of admittance.
Your pardon. Yes, I beg you.
No autographs, positively no autographs.
Oh, thurston. She's in show business.
I believe I'm in the right place, am I not?
Uh, yes. Heavens! An egghead.
With $50,000.
They're the worst kind.
I.o.u. Yeah. Well, come right in.
Thank you, thurston. Lovey.
[Gasps] Lovey.
Thurston and lovey. I never.
Well, I see everybody got here.
Yes, unless you lent some money
to cannibals on neighboring islands.
No, just to our friends.
Betrayed by one of our own kind.
Those terrible nouveau riche.
Just look at them over there, lovey.
I want to thank you very much.
Oh, you're welcome.
By dow and by Jones, this island living
has dulled my senses.
I, thurston ho well,
the wizard of wall street,
bought a pig in a poke.
Lovey, did you ever see
the sweepstakes tickets?
No, dear.
Neither did I. Gilligan!
[Laughing]
Huh? You want to see me, Mr. Howell?
Yes, I want to see
your sweepstakes ticket
in the treasury of this club.
Against these $50,000 I.O.U.'S
collateral, you know what I mean?
Sure, Mr. Howell, if that's a rule.
That's a rule. It's a commandment.
Hurry up. My palm is getting moon burn.
It's gone. Gone?
Gone.
Gone. And so are your friends.
Go on! Out of here!
[All talking at once]
I want to read the by-laws.
By-laws. Yes.
You can't treat my friends
and you leave the blazer with me!
Oh, thurston. You did that perfectly.
You forget I took basic training
under Simon le greed.
Oh, sure, but where do we start?
Knowing gilligan, that
ticket could be anyplace.
No, it couldn't, skipper.
It's not in my pocket because I looked.
Oh, great. Where else
couldn't it be, gilligan?
Well, let's see.
It couldn't be in that tin box
buried down at the base
of that big palm tree by the lagoon.
I didn't know there was a tin box
buried under that tree.
There isn't. That's why
it couldn't be there.
Why don't we divide up
into search parties?
Mary Ann, you can search with me.
I'll go with the skipper.
Yeah, and I'll go with with, uh, who?
Gilligan, you will be
our special task force.
And try and not get in anybody's way.
Don't worry, skipper.
I'll do a real good job.
[Conk]
I swear, there isn't an inch of
this island we haven't searched.
Any luck? Not a bit.
I just can't understand how
on an island this size why we can't
I'm a millionaire! I got the ticket!
I'm a millionaire! Hi,
everybody. Done searching?
Gilligan, where is the ticket?
Well, where did you find it?
I didn't. But you just said you did.
You've just been yelling
I've got the uh, the millionaire.
Where is the ticket?
Oh, that. Yes, that.
Well, I figured I'd get real smart
and do exactly what I did yesterday
exactly the same, and I'd find the ticket.
Well, yes, and?
Well, yesterday, I began yelling
I've got a ticket! I'm a millionaire!
I've got a tic alright, gilligan.
We get the idea.
I still didn't find the ticket.
Nor did we.
We found everything else
that you've lost on the
island since we landed.
Your bubblegum wrappers
and your baseball cards.
Yes, and your library
card and your bank book.
And the pages you've
been tearing off the calendar.
And that great American
novel you keep starting.
Well, at least we did clean up the island.
Yes, gilligan. We cleaned up the island.
Go to sleep, thurston. It's getting late.
Sleep does not come
easy these nights, lovey.
Aw, you're still upset.
To think that I, thurston ho well III,
should be taken in
by a pink-cheeked boy.
Accepting a piece of paper I never saw.
He says he has and it's lost,
and I don't know whether
he did or whether he didn't.
You're beginning to sound like gilligan.
Don't say that name.
Right, darling. Goodnight. Mmm.
I, thurston ho well, who always insisted
on seeing things in writing.
Should have demanded
should have insisted
on seeing it in writing.
Seeing it in writing
Seeing it in writing
Seeing it in writing
Seeing it in writing
[Snoring]
Whoa! Ha! I struck gold!
I struck it rich!
Hey, I'm a millionaire!
Come along, sea biscuit.
Yes, sir. I struck gold.
You hear me? I'm rich.
Hey. Did I hear you say gold,
you bearded old desert rat?
I've got enough gold
here to fill every tooth
between here and St. Louis.
Well, in that case,
you just come right on into my office,
you kindly old man.
Yeah. You mind if I double park?
There, baby. Alright, son.
You've gotta help me. I've been out there.
You're a nice fella. I like you.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, son.
Right over here. Right here. Perfect.
Let's get this out.
40 years diggin' in the rivers.
40 years climbing the mountains.
40 years in the hills. How much is that?
That's 120 years.
I don't mean that. I haven't
had a bath in 40 years.
What are you doing there, boy?
I'm making out your deed.
Proof that you're worth $1 million.
Oh, keep writing, my boy.
There you are, sir, and I wouldn't lose
that little piece of paper if I were you.
That ticket is worth $1 million.
Aah! $1 million! How much do I owe you
for your services, son?
I like you, you know.
My fee is $50,000.
$50,000. It's worth every cent of it.
You don't mind if I write you an I.O.U.
Against this deed? There you are.
Alright. That's my signature.
You know, sir, a man of
your wealth needs protection.
Marshal gilligan is the man for you.
Who's that? Marshal gilligan.
Never heard of him. Here, son.
Did I hear someone call the marshal?
Oh, there you are, marshal.
This gentleman right here, marshal.
Yeah.
This dirty, bearded, desert rat
and you call him a gentleman?
He's worth a million dollars.
That's right.
Like I was saying, you can't judge a man
by the clothes he's wearing.
Yes, I understand, son,
this is a rough, tough,
shootin' town, huh?
Rough, tough? Mister,
anyone past 30 here is a tourist.
Well, I'm gonna need a
gunfighter to protect me.
It's worth $50,000, yeah.
Mister, are you trying
to buy a U.S. marshal?
Of course not.
That's funny, 'cause you
just bought yourself one.
Hey, well, here's an I.O.U. For $50,000.
I got it against my deed, yes.
That's my signature. There you are.
Now, let's go to a saloon
and celebrate, huh?
Follow me.
Dancin' girls, huggin' and squeezin'.
I haven't had a bath in 40 years.
I know.
Go on. I'll cover the rear.
Yeah, you cover me from the rear.
Uh, everybody belly up to the bar, boys.
I hear you struck it rich, sir.
Uh, news travels fast
in these parts, huh?
Well, nothing gets past
ginger le plant, sir,
owner of the last chance
gambling and drinking saloon.
Yeah, I like you, girl. You're alright.
I like you, too, sir.
Thank you.
Drink on the house.
Ah, you pour it so gracefully.
Aah!
That's smooth.
How about another drink on the house?
Don't mind if I do.
Gracious. Here's to you.
Aah!
Oh, that's great whisky.
Do you believe I haven't had
a drink of whisky in 40 years?
We serve nothing but the best, sir.
It's been aged for a solid week.
Ooh. Think I'll have another round.
How much do I owe you?
Well, let's see, that's,
uh, 2 drinks on the house,
and one that you bought yourself,
I'd say that's, uh, $50,000, sir.
Oh, it's, uh, reasonable enough.
I'll just give you my I.O.U. There you are.
Thank you, sir.
My signature. Thanks.
There you go.
You know, I haven't had
a bath in 40 years.
I know.
[Mumbles]
Marshal?
Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
Oh. Oh, marshal. It's just me.
Sweet little warm-hearted
girl of the golden west me.
Why are you crying, Mary Ann?
Will you have a little drink on me?
Would you like a little drink?
Oh, dare I say it in front of a stranger?
Well, I'm not a stranger.
I'm a friend of your father's.
Was.
You mean, he passed over?
Helped by the apache.
Well, your mother and me,
we were kind of friendly.
Pushed out by the cherokee.
Your brother, Tom?
Sioux.
Your sister, Emily? Navajo.
Your dear, sweet, innocent
little grandmother?
Shot by the marshal.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
Never mind them killings, honey.
Why why all them tears?
I need $50,000 to help save my ranch.
Is that all that's bugging you, boopie?
I'm gonna lay a little I.O.U. On you here
for help me. I've kind of got
the shakes, you understand?
Here you are.
Oh, thank you, kind sir.
You know I haven't
had a bath in 40 years?
[Sniffs] I know.
Gamblin', that's what I like.
Stranger, you, uh, mind if I sit in here?
I reckon there's enough room.
You know, I haven't
had a bath in 40 years.
We know.
What's your game, partner?
3 card monte is my game.
Cut 'em.
There, I cut 'em.
Wait a minute. 4 cards for 3 card monte?
Everything has gone up.
I bet 50,000.
I'll give you an I.O.U.
I'll just I'll just cover that.
It's a little soggy.
3 aces. Hold it.
I've got 4 aces.
Oh. Just like you said.
Everything's gone up here.
Uh, it's been kind of a long game.
I think I'm gonna turn in.
Now, how about paying me
the 50,000 you owe me?
Well, I gave you my I.O.U. Right there.
Sure, but how do I know that's good?
Well, I've got a million dollar mine,
I've got a piece of paper to prove it.
I ain't seen no piece of paper.
Well, I I got it on me, if you'll just
watch it.
I got it. I lost it! I lost it!
A likely story.
No, but I had it! I had it!
Marshal!
What are we gonna do about this man?
You're under arrest.
I've got a better idea.
Let's hang the desert rat.
Oh, he deserves it, giving
the girl of the golden west
a bum I.O.U.
Well, somebody's gotta
do something for me.
I'll do something for you.
Oh, thank you. I sure needed that.
Wait a minute, marshal.
You gotta help me.
Marshal? What marshal?
I was the fellow
you owe $50,000 to.
Well, you can't hang me,
'cause I can't prove I'm a millionaire!
Who are you deceiving now, ho well?
I had a piece of paper, but I lost it.
That was the worst crime of all.
Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me!
Save me! Lovey!
Lovey, save me! Save me!
Thurston. Thurston.
You're having a bad dream.
Oh, I know. Wake up.
I know. It was terrible.
I haven't time to tell you.
I must get to gilligan right away.
Here, take Teddy.
Gilligan, my boy. Wake up. Wake up.
Who is it? What did I do now?
You didn't do anything.
Everything's perf
thurston had a bad dream,
and he wants to tell you about it.
Did you see one of those monsters?
Those big hairy monsters
that grab you around the throat?
Gilligan. That Argentine
sweepstakes ticket that you lost.
Oh, yeah. I lost it real good.
Yes. Was it about 3 inches
long and 2 inches wide?
Yep. And was it orange colored?
Yep. [Laughing]
And was the number g131131?
Yeah, Mr. Howell. That's it.
Oh, thurston. You found the ticket.
Yeah, and you found it in
the first place you looked.
Well, just don't lie there.
Tell your friends they're back in the club.
Get along. That's it.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Hey, Mr. Howell? Don't lose that ticket.
It's a son of a gun to find.
Don't I know it?
Thurston, how much is a
2-year-old sweepstakes ticket worth?
Not a cent, but don't tell anyone.
It's our little secret.
Oh, darling. I always
knew you had a heart.
Yeah, remind me to speak
to the professor.
There must be a painless way
to turn it back to stone.
Ah, ha ha. Good shot.
I missed.
Bad for you. Good for me, that is.
Let's get on with the game.
It's in my honor
radio: We interrupt our musical program
to bring you this news
item from the United States.
The winner of the one
million non-taxable dollar
grand sweepstakes prize will leave
for buenos aries tonight by jetliner
to pick up his cashier's check.
When contacted at his home
in peeling, Vermont,
Mr. Hugo abarnathy
attributed his success
to clean living and a lifetime of gambling.
Gilligan, your mouth is open.
You knew. All along, you knew.
That it was last year's
sweepstakes ticket? Yes. Yes.
And you let me back in the
club and all the others, too?
Let's get on with the game, shall we?
Mr. Howell? You're not
a mean, rotten, scary guy.
You're a real nice guy.
Well, that's one flaw in an
otherwise sterling character.
If you dare breathe one word
I won't.
I'll boil you in coconut oil
and serve you with
an apple in your mouth.
Let's get on with the
game. Better yet, caddy!
Now you're talking and acting
like the Mr. Howell I know.
Shut up, will you?!
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Oh, there you are.
They look very refreshing, gilligan.
Papaya and coconut milk for Mr. Howell,
and guava and pineapple
for you, Mrs. Howell.
I distinctly said pineapple
and coconut milk, gilligan.
And mine was papaya and guava.
Here.
What are you doing?
Gilligan, exactly what are you doing?
Pouring your papaya
into Mrs. Howell's cup,
and her guava into your cup.
Oh, that's very clever
of him, isn't it, darling?
Well, I reserve judgment
till I sample the brew.
Uh, gilligan, would you
adjust the parasol, please?
You know I never take sun. Yes, ma'am.
Uh, would you turn on the radio?
The midweek financial report.
Very important. Yes, sir.
And my fan, gilligan, please. Yes, ma'am.
Fluff me, will you, gilligan?
Fluff me, too, huh?
Radio: This is John Reid
king of kdka news in Pittsburgh.
We interrupt our midweek financial
report from the world's capitals.
An item just in from buenos aries.
The winning argentinian sweepstakes
first prize ticket has just been drawn.
Hey, I bought a ticket
in that sweepstakes.
The winning ticket number is g131131.
This million dollars is non-taxable.
[Gags]
Hey, that's that's a coincidence.
I got the same number. G131131.
[Laughs]
The winning ticket!
I've got the winning ticket!
I won the sweepstakes!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
I've got I got g131131!
I got the I got it! Oh, boy!
That is, if I don't have to
collect the money right away.
King: The winner can
collect the money anytime.
Thanks. I'm a millionaire, Mr. Howell!
I'm a millionaire!
Hey, skipper, professor! I'm
a millionaire! I'm a millionaire!
I got the ticket! I'm a millionaire!
I'm a millionaire! I got the ticket!
I got the ticket! I'm a millionaire!
Hi, skipper. I'm a millionaire!
A tax-free millionaire!
I'm a millionaire! I'm
gilligan, for goodness
sakes, simmer down.
I'm a millionaire!
What's all this nonsense
about being a millionaire?
I'm a millionaire! I'm a millionaire!
Skipper, what's all the screaming about?
Oh, he said something about a ticket.
Did you see a boat?
Gilligan, did you see a boat?
No.
Gilligan, what's all the shouting about?
[Mumbles]
Well, it is a bit hot today.
Perhaps gilligan has a touch of the sun.
I think that's it, professor. He does feel
I got the ticket. I'm a millionaire.
He keeps saying that
over and over again.
He's flipped.
What kind of a ticket
would make somebody rich?
Well, perhaps if the skipper
will remove his hand, gilligan will tell us.
Oh. Yeah.
Hi, professor. Hi, girls.
Oh, gilligan, never mind the amenities.
Tell us about this.
I got the ticket. I got
the tax-exempt ticket.
I'm a tax-exempt millionaire.
What ticket?
The sweepstakes ticket
in South America.
Oh, and I suppose a
little bird flew down here
and told you that you've won.
No, I heard it on the radio,
and see, he read the number out,
and it's the winning ticket.
And I've got the same number,
and the howells heard it, too.
Well, I guess it's true.
Our friend here's a millionaire.
Oh!
Congratulations, gilligan. Put her there.
No, I just remembered
what Mr. Howell said.
When you're rich,
everybody's got their hand out.
Oh, for Pete's sake,
gilligan. Shake hands.
[All talking at once]
Here you are, Mr. Howell.
I think I got it right. Guava and papaya.
No, no, gilligan, my boy.
Just put the little tray down.
There you are. Nice.
Now, gilligan, you just
come over here and lie down.
Me? There. Yes.
Now, you comfy, dear?
Could you fluff my pillow?
We'll fluff you up a little. There you are.
There. You got a little drink, huh?
Uh, Mrs. Howell and I were
having a meeting of the board,
and we decided to admit a new member
to this terribly exclusive private club,
and, gilligan, guess
who the new member is.
The skipper? No.
The professor? No, no.
Who is loaded with money?
You are. Aside from me.
Oh, me. But I'm only a
one million millionaire.
Well, be that as it may,
you have the $50,000
for the initiation fee.
So while I administer the oath of loyalty
to the club and to its principles
uh, lovey, will you get gilligan
his own private club blazer?
Oh, certainly, dear.
Alright. It's alright.
Put down the drink and we will now
uh, here place your right hand
on this pile of currency.
No, don't clutch, my boy!
Now, I, uh, pledge allegiance
to the spirit of money, the
color for which it stands,
one currency divisible by 10,
with luxury and affluence
to the very fortunate few.
Is something amiss?
Well, that pledge. I never
heard one like that before.
That's the way I was taught at smu.
Smu?
Super millionaires university.
Moo-la, moo-la ♪
moo-la, moo-la ♪
moo-la, moo-la ♪
la ♪moo-la, moo-la ♪
ha ha ha. You had an 8.
I believe that I had a 4.
A 4? You millionaires can
make yourselves believe anything.
Would you believe it that I made once
less than a hole in one?
Less than a hole in one?
That's right. I missed
the ball and sank the divot.
Ha ha ha. It's a golfing joke.
Oh, there you are, gilligan.
I want you to help me
fix the back wall in the supply hut.
I fixed that wall last week.
Exactly, gilligan.
That's why we have to fix it
again this week.
Aw, skipper, it's too hot to work.
Why don't you join us, huh?
Uh, young man, would you,
uh, step over here just one moment?
Is he a member of the club?
Is he a millionaire?
Is he worth anything except
that broken-down boat?
Then how can the likes of him
join the likes of us, huh?
It's not likely.
No, dismiss him.
Dismiss him. Ok. Casually.
Uh, some other time. Huh, skipper?
Yeah, well, thanks a lot for the invitation.
Do you think he's mad?
Well, uh, piqued, perhaps.
Ego bruised, maybe.
Feelings hurt, possibly.
Mad? He's furious. Ha ha ha.
Now, gilligan, observe.
One doesn't drink a tea
oh, I'm glad to hear that,
because I'd rather have, like,
cocoa or soda pop or milk or root beer
yes, dear. Now, one doesn't drink tea.
One sips, like this.
You try. Ok.
[Slurps]
Oh, gilligan.
Not so good, huh?
Well, I always was a slurpy supper.
Practice makes perfect.
Now, handling the
appurtenances of a tea party
is really quite an art.
Sugar, the cream,
balancing the cookies, there.
Now, you try it, dear.
Good.
Hi. Oh, Mary Ann.
Hi. What are you doing?
Uh, we're having a tea lesson.
Gilligan, when a lady approaches
or enters a room,
a gentleman stands up.
Oh, I'm sorry. I [Crash]
Gilligan.
[Mumbling] Oh, yeah. Marvelous.
Ha ha. Money. Ha ha ha.
All this money, and nothing to do,
and nobody to do it with.
Hmm? You were, uh,
saying something, old boy?
Mr. Howell, now that I'm a
member of the club, what can I do?
I had more fun when
I was a club steward.
Well, you haven't got the
knack of being idly rich.
You see, you should do like me.
Just snooze and dream,
dream and snooze.
The pleasures are unlimited.
Not for me, Mr. Howell.
When I go to sleep, I have nightmares
about big crawly things and creatures
and big hairy monsters that
grab you around the throat.
Ooh, how vulgar. Your
dreams are too ordinary.
You should, uh, upgrade them.
Upgrade them?
Well, yes. You you take my dreams,
like the one that you just interrupted.
It was marvelous.
I was foreclosing the mortgage
on a life-long friend,
and I was creating a poverty pocket
right in the heart of
Beverly Hills. Downtown.
I don't want to dream about making
more money, I want to spend it.
Egad, you have nothing but nightmares.
Now, there's only one use for money,
and that's to make more money.
But, Mr. Howell, I want to
spend it to make people happy.
Well, that's a very noble sentiment,
very warm and generous, but stupid.
Now, let me finish that
dream on a pleasant note.
The wholesale arrest
of the supreme court.
Ha!
Me join the club? Why not?
Well, I can give you the best
why-not I could ever tell you.
It just so happens I don't have $50,000.
You could get it if you wanted to.
Where? Out of my sea chest?
Out of my back pocket?
Boy, are you a bad
guesser. You want a hint?
No, gilligan. I don't want a hint.
Try your little buddy gilligan.
Alright, I'll try
try my little buddy gilligan?
Good guess.
Gilligan, you mean
you'd lend me the money?
No.
You sure know how to hurt a fellow.
No, I wouldn't lend it to
you, but I'd give it to you.
Gilligan, I want to tell you
winning this million dollars
has done something to you.
It's made me rich.
No, it's more than that.
I mean, it's given you real vision.
Can you imagine the idea
of you and me and the
howells in the same club?
It's gonna have nothing but class.
Yeah. I'll see you later, skipper.
Uh, where are you going?
I'm gonna find ginger.
I can't wait to see what she does
when I give her $50,000.
How dare you?
All you men are alike.
I suppose you'll want a kiss now.
No, I don't want a kiss.
I've never been so insulted in all my life.
So, I'm not worth kissing.
No, that's not what I meant. Honest.
Are you sure?
Cross my heart. I only
want to pay for your initiation
into our exclusive private club.
Oh. Oh. Oh, gilligan.
[Bonk] Oh.
[Knocking]
[Knocking] Oh.
Ha ha ha. Sorry, Mr. Howell.
I'm sorry. No one under
the rank of rear admiral
is permitted in the club.
Wait, Mr. Howell. Yes, what's that?
Read this and weep.
Uh, read that. "I owe you. Gilligan" oh.
Oh, and, Mr. Howell? Yes?
I like my deck chair to face the lagoon.
Ha ha ha.
Mrs. Howell? Nice.
Oh, my goodness. What
are we gonna do with him?
What are we gonna do with her?
Oh. Oh, yes. No, I'm
terribly sorry, my dear.
The servants' entrance is to the rear.
Oh, I couldn't care less.
I am a member, you know.
My I.O.U., please?
Your I.O.U., yes. Of course.
Oh, hello, Mary Ann. Hello, skipper.
The world is crumbling, lovey.
That girl is sitting in my chair.
[Gasps] She's using my fan!
Ahem.
Look who has a card of admittance.
Your pardon. Yes, I beg you.
No autographs, positively no autographs.
Oh, thurston. She's in show business.
I believe I'm in the right place, am I not?
Uh, yes. Heavens! An egghead.
With $50,000.
They're the worst kind.
I.o.u. Yeah. Well, come right in.
Thank you, thurston. Lovey.
[Gasps] Lovey.
Thurston and lovey. I never.
Well, I see everybody got here.
Yes, unless you lent some money
to cannibals on neighboring islands.
No, just to our friends.
Betrayed by one of our own kind.
Those terrible nouveau riche.
Just look at them over there, lovey.
I want to thank you very much.
Oh, you're welcome.
By dow and by Jones, this island living
has dulled my senses.
I, thurston ho well,
the wizard of wall street,
bought a pig in a poke.
Lovey, did you ever see
the sweepstakes tickets?
No, dear.
Neither did I. Gilligan!
[Laughing]
Huh? You want to see me, Mr. Howell?
Yes, I want to see
your sweepstakes ticket
in the treasury of this club.
Against these $50,000 I.O.U.'S
collateral, you know what I mean?
Sure, Mr. Howell, if that's a rule.
That's a rule. It's a commandment.
Hurry up. My palm is getting moon burn.
It's gone. Gone?
Gone.
Gone. And so are your friends.
Go on! Out of here!
[All talking at once]
I want to read the by-laws.
By-laws. Yes.
You can't treat my friends
and you leave the blazer with me!
Oh, thurston. You did that perfectly.
You forget I took basic training
under Simon le greed.
Oh, sure, but where do we start?
Knowing gilligan, that
ticket could be anyplace.
No, it couldn't, skipper.
It's not in my pocket because I looked.
Oh, great. Where else
couldn't it be, gilligan?
Well, let's see.
It couldn't be in that tin box
buried down at the base
of that big palm tree by the lagoon.
I didn't know there was a tin box
buried under that tree.
There isn't. That's why
it couldn't be there.
Why don't we divide up
into search parties?
Mary Ann, you can search with me.
I'll go with the skipper.
Yeah, and I'll go with with, uh, who?
Gilligan, you will be
our special task force.
And try and not get in anybody's way.
Don't worry, skipper.
I'll do a real good job.
[Conk]
I swear, there isn't an inch of
this island we haven't searched.
Any luck? Not a bit.
I just can't understand how
on an island this size why we can't
I'm a millionaire! I got the ticket!
I'm a millionaire! Hi,
everybody. Done searching?
Gilligan, where is the ticket?
Well, where did you find it?
I didn't. But you just said you did.
You've just been yelling
I've got the uh, the millionaire.
Where is the ticket?
Oh, that. Yes, that.
Well, I figured I'd get real smart
and do exactly what I did yesterday
exactly the same, and I'd find the ticket.
Well, yes, and?
Well, yesterday, I began yelling
I've got a ticket! I'm a millionaire!
I've got a tic alright, gilligan.
We get the idea.
I still didn't find the ticket.
Nor did we.
We found everything else
that you've lost on the
island since we landed.
Your bubblegum wrappers
and your baseball cards.
Yes, and your library
card and your bank book.
And the pages you've
been tearing off the calendar.
And that great American
novel you keep starting.
Well, at least we did clean up the island.
Yes, gilligan. We cleaned up the island.
Go to sleep, thurston. It's getting late.
Sleep does not come
easy these nights, lovey.
Aw, you're still upset.
To think that I, thurston ho well III,
should be taken in
by a pink-cheeked boy.
Accepting a piece of paper I never saw.
He says he has and it's lost,
and I don't know whether
he did or whether he didn't.
You're beginning to sound like gilligan.
Don't say that name.
Right, darling. Goodnight. Mmm.
I, thurston ho well, who always insisted
on seeing things in writing.
Should have demanded
should have insisted
on seeing it in writing.
Seeing it in writing
Seeing it in writing
Seeing it in writing
Seeing it in writing
[Snoring]
Whoa! Ha! I struck gold!
I struck it rich!
Hey, I'm a millionaire!
Come along, sea biscuit.
Yes, sir. I struck gold.
You hear me? I'm rich.
Hey. Did I hear you say gold,
you bearded old desert rat?
I've got enough gold
here to fill every tooth
between here and St. Louis.
Well, in that case,
you just come right on into my office,
you kindly old man.
Yeah. You mind if I double park?
There, baby. Alright, son.
You've gotta help me. I've been out there.
You're a nice fella. I like you.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, son.
Right over here. Right here. Perfect.
Let's get this out.
40 years diggin' in the rivers.
40 years climbing the mountains.
40 years in the hills. How much is that?
That's 120 years.
I don't mean that. I haven't
had a bath in 40 years.
What are you doing there, boy?
I'm making out your deed.
Proof that you're worth $1 million.
Oh, keep writing, my boy.
There you are, sir, and I wouldn't lose
that little piece of paper if I were you.
That ticket is worth $1 million.
Aah! $1 million! How much do I owe you
for your services, son?
I like you, you know.
My fee is $50,000.
$50,000. It's worth every cent of it.
You don't mind if I write you an I.O.U.
Against this deed? There you are.
Alright. That's my signature.
You know, sir, a man of
your wealth needs protection.
Marshal gilligan is the man for you.
Who's that? Marshal gilligan.
Never heard of him. Here, son.
Did I hear someone call the marshal?
Oh, there you are, marshal.
This gentleman right here, marshal.
Yeah.
This dirty, bearded, desert rat
and you call him a gentleman?
He's worth a million dollars.
That's right.
Like I was saying, you can't judge a man
by the clothes he's wearing.
Yes, I understand, son,
this is a rough, tough,
shootin' town, huh?
Rough, tough? Mister,
anyone past 30 here is a tourist.
Well, I'm gonna need a
gunfighter to protect me.
It's worth $50,000, yeah.
Mister, are you trying
to buy a U.S. marshal?
Of course not.
That's funny, 'cause you
just bought yourself one.
Hey, well, here's an I.O.U. For $50,000.
I got it against my deed, yes.
That's my signature. There you are.
Now, let's go to a saloon
and celebrate, huh?
Follow me.
Dancin' girls, huggin' and squeezin'.
I haven't had a bath in 40 years.
I know.
Go on. I'll cover the rear.
Yeah, you cover me from the rear.
Uh, everybody belly up to the bar, boys.
I hear you struck it rich, sir.
Uh, news travels fast
in these parts, huh?
Well, nothing gets past
ginger le plant, sir,
owner of the last chance
gambling and drinking saloon.
Yeah, I like you, girl. You're alright.
I like you, too, sir.
Thank you.
Drink on the house.
Ah, you pour it so gracefully.
Aah!
That's smooth.
How about another drink on the house?
Don't mind if I do.
Gracious. Here's to you.
Aah!
Oh, that's great whisky.
Do you believe I haven't had
a drink of whisky in 40 years?
We serve nothing but the best, sir.
It's been aged for a solid week.
Ooh. Think I'll have another round.
How much do I owe you?
Well, let's see, that's,
uh, 2 drinks on the house,
and one that you bought yourself,
I'd say that's, uh, $50,000, sir.
Oh, it's, uh, reasonable enough.
I'll just give you my I.O.U. There you are.
Thank you, sir.
My signature. Thanks.
There you go.
You know, I haven't had
a bath in 40 years.
I know.
[Mumbles]
Marshal?
Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
Oh. Oh, marshal. It's just me.
Sweet little warm-hearted
girl of the golden west me.
Why are you crying, Mary Ann?
Will you have a little drink on me?
Would you like a little drink?
Oh, dare I say it in front of a stranger?
Well, I'm not a stranger.
I'm a friend of your father's.
Was.
You mean, he passed over?
Helped by the apache.
Well, your mother and me,
we were kind of friendly.
Pushed out by the cherokee.
Your brother, Tom?
Sioux.
Your sister, Emily? Navajo.
Your dear, sweet, innocent
little grandmother?
Shot by the marshal.
Well, you can't win 'em all.
Never mind them killings, honey.
Why why all them tears?
I need $50,000 to help save my ranch.
Is that all that's bugging you, boopie?
I'm gonna lay a little I.O.U. On you here
for help me. I've kind of got
the shakes, you understand?
Here you are.
Oh, thank you, kind sir.
You know I haven't
had a bath in 40 years?
[Sniffs] I know.
Gamblin', that's what I like.
Stranger, you, uh, mind if I sit in here?
I reckon there's enough room.
You know, I haven't
had a bath in 40 years.
We know.
What's your game, partner?
3 card monte is my game.
Cut 'em.
There, I cut 'em.
Wait a minute. 4 cards for 3 card monte?
Everything has gone up.
I bet 50,000.
I'll give you an I.O.U.
I'll just I'll just cover that.
It's a little soggy.
3 aces. Hold it.
I've got 4 aces.
Oh. Just like you said.
Everything's gone up here.
Uh, it's been kind of a long game.
I think I'm gonna turn in.
Now, how about paying me
the 50,000 you owe me?
Well, I gave you my I.O.U. Right there.
Sure, but how do I know that's good?
Well, I've got a million dollar mine,
I've got a piece of paper to prove it.
I ain't seen no piece of paper.
Well, I I got it on me, if you'll just
watch it.
I got it. I lost it! I lost it!
A likely story.
No, but I had it! I had it!
Marshal!
What are we gonna do about this man?
You're under arrest.
I've got a better idea.
Let's hang the desert rat.
Oh, he deserves it, giving
the girl of the golden west
a bum I.O.U.
Well, somebody's gotta
do something for me.
I'll do something for you.
Oh, thank you. I sure needed that.
Wait a minute, marshal.
You gotta help me.
Marshal? What marshal?
I was the fellow
you owe $50,000 to.
Well, you can't hang me,
'cause I can't prove I'm a millionaire!
Who are you deceiving now, ho well?
I had a piece of paper, but I lost it.
That was the worst crime of all.
Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me!
Save me! Lovey!
Lovey, save me! Save me!
Thurston. Thurston.
You're having a bad dream.
Oh, I know. Wake up.
I know. It was terrible.
I haven't time to tell you.
I must get to gilligan right away.
Here, take Teddy.
Gilligan, my boy. Wake up. Wake up.
Who is it? What did I do now?
You didn't do anything.
Everything's perf
thurston had a bad dream,
and he wants to tell you about it.
Did you see one of those monsters?
Those big hairy monsters
that grab you around the throat?
Gilligan. That Argentine
sweepstakes ticket that you lost.
Oh, yeah. I lost it real good.
Yes. Was it about 3 inches
long and 2 inches wide?
Yep. And was it orange colored?
Yep. [Laughing]
And was the number g131131?
Yeah, Mr. Howell. That's it.
Oh, thurston. You found the ticket.
Yeah, and you found it in
the first place you looked.
Well, just don't lie there.
Tell your friends they're back in the club.
Get along. That's it.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Hey, Mr. Howell? Don't lose that ticket.
It's a son of a gun to find.
Don't I know it?
Thurston, how much is a
2-year-old sweepstakes ticket worth?
Not a cent, but don't tell anyone.
It's our little secret.
Oh, darling. I always
knew you had a heart.
Yeah, remind me to speak
to the professor.
There must be a painless way
to turn it back to stone.
Ah, ha ha. Good shot.
I missed.
Bad for you. Good for me, that is.
Let's get on with the game.
It's in my honor
radio: We interrupt our musical program
to bring you this news
item from the United States.
The winner of the one
million non-taxable dollar
grand sweepstakes prize will leave
for buenos aries tonight by jetliner
to pick up his cashier's check.
When contacted at his home
in peeling, Vermont,
Mr. Hugo abarnathy
attributed his success
to clean living and a lifetime of gambling.
Gilligan, your mouth is open.
You knew. All along, you knew.
That it was last year's
sweepstakes ticket? Yes. Yes.
And you let me back in the
club and all the others, too?
Let's get on with the game, shall we?
Mr. Howell? You're not
a mean, rotten, scary guy.
You're a real nice guy.
Well, that's one flaw in an
otherwise sterling character.
If you dare breathe one word
I won't.
I'll boil you in coconut oil
and serve you with
an apple in your mouth.
Let's get on with the
game. Better yet, caddy!
Now you're talking and acting
like the Mr. Howell I know.
Shut up, will you?!
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪