Happy Days (1974) s02e05 Episode Script
R.O.T.C.
1
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Squad!
Ten-hut!
Right shoulder, arms!
About face!
Forward, march!
Left, left, left.
To the right flank, march!
You two soldiers, back in line.
About face!
March!
Back in line, soldiers!
To the left flank, march!
Forward!
Left, left.
Get in step, one, two, halt!
One, two.
What's the matter with you soldiers?
Look straight ahead.
Ten-hut, ten-hut.
I'm gonna teach you to march.
Look at that.
Look at Squad One.
They know how to march.
Don't look that way, keep your eyes front!
We're gonna learn some discipline around here.
Keep that flag straight, soldier!
I want to give him the old "Toulouse-Lautrec."
Ten-hut!
Right shoulder, arms!
Left face.
Forward 'arch.
Left Squad, halt!
Ten-hut!
Attention!
Ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut!
Jeez, you guys, come on, ten-hut!
You're supposed to Okay, men.
What's going on here?
Up! Will you get up? Up! Up!
I mean all this
Huh. This isn't kindergarten, you know.
This is ROTC.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Want me to, uh, fill out a report
so we can do this all again in summer school?
In the hot sun?
Now this, uh
this is the worst squad I've got.
I don't know.
What's the problem here? I don't know, sir.
I've been trying to whip them in shape.
They just don't seem to respond.
I think it's a clear case of insubordination.
Right.
All right.
You're fired.
Get back in ranks.
Um, I
Will you get in the ranks? But I'm squad leader!
Will you get back in the ranks? Can't I be the squad
Hey! I'm gonna get back in the ranks.
All right.
Now, we're gonna need a new leader.
Someone else to take charge.
You.
What's your name?
Uh, Cunningham, Richard Cunningham.
Cunningham, step forward.
You're gonna be the new leader.
Aw, sir, I-I really don't want to be the squad leader.
You'll thank me for this, soldier.
Let me see you take charge of this squad.
Right face.
Left face.
Uh at ease.
Sharp. Sharp!
Carry on, soldier.
Hey, that's great.
Richie's squad leader.
And now we can really goof off.
The best looking girls are at gym now.
Let's try another panty raid.
Wait a minute, guys.
We got to line up and march.
Attention.
Good idea, Rich.
We'll march over and check out the girls gym.
We'll really surprise 'em.
Hey, right, Ralph.
Okay, guys, double time, march!
Ho-o!
Attention! Attention!
Good luck, new squad leader.
Hey. Hey!
All right, at ease.
Do you think these ropes are strong enough, dear?
Are you giving me another shot about my weight, Marion?
Oh, no.
Well, maybe a little shot, dear.
Will you let me get on with this?
The ropes are fine. Excuse me.
I haven't gained a pound in over a year.
Dad, do you need another hand?
He certainly doesn't need another stomach.
That's two, Marion.
A guy gets a little soft from no exercise,
and right away everyone thinks he's gaining weight.
Yeah.
Dad, do you think that you could give me a note
saying that my ankle is sprained so I don't have to be
a squad leader in ROTC?
They want to make you a squad leader?
Yeah, but I told them I didn't want to do it.
Gee, that's terrific, Richard,
but why do you want to get out of it?
Because I hate it.
I mean, who wants to be the boss out there?
Richard, leadership is one of
the most important qualities in life
for your whole future.
You know, I was a mess sergeant in the Army,
and that's one of the main reasons
why I'm a success today in the hardware business.
It taught me how to handle people.
Well, I don't know much about leading men.
Well, there's one little secret to it.
You got to make your men love you.
All the great leaders had that quality
MacArthur, Nimitz, Bradley.
You know what I used to do?
I used to put extra gravy on the men's mashed potatoes
and they'd do anything for me.
My squad brings their lunch.
On my birthday, they wrote "Happy Birthday"
in creamed chip beef on a big piece of toast.
You're not gonna give me the note, are you, Dad?
No, Richard,
because I think you should try.
If you want to be anything in this life,
you got to be a leader.
And remember this: You got to get your men
to love you before they'll follow you.
Are you all right?
Don't tell your mother.
She won't give me dessert for a year.
She's the most beautiful chick I ever saw.
She's enough to make me forget Julie Anna Wentz.
She's alone. Go on over.
Don't rush me, Potsie.
My face breaks out when I'm rushed.
I'm ready.
Hey, guys. I got to go, Rich, I got to go.
Oh, this'll just take a minute.
I want to see how my good buddies are doing.
We're doing fine. I got to go before my face breaks out.
Never mind, I don't have to go.
Ah, good.
You know, I was out there on that field today
and I was thinking about how lucky I am
to have buddies like you guys.
Forget it, we're broke.
Oh, I wasn't gonna put the touch on you.
As a matter of fact, I was gonna ask you
if there's anything at all that you guys need.
Oh, well, I could use a couple of bucks
for the dance Saturday night.
Say no more.
Listen, I only have a dollar,
but I'll give you the other dollar tomorrow.
Are you feeling okay, Rich?
Sure.
Hey, can't a guy be nice to his buddies without being crazy?
And we are buddies, right?
Oh, yeah. Blood buddies.
And we have a lot of laughs together, right?
So, listen, when we get out there on that field tomorrow,
you guys'll listen to me, right, guys?
Wrong, guys. Wrong, guys.
I should have asked for my dollar back.
Come in.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
Ah, I'm Cunningham, sir.
You made me the leader of the third squad yesterday.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, why aren't you out there leading your squad?
Because my men ran away.
Hey!
Good.
Don't worry about that.
It's just a, just a dummy.
Souvenir of "The Big One."
Soldier, today
today you learned the secret of good leadership.
Your men hate your guts.
That's right, Cunningham.
Good going, soldier.
But I don't think that I want my men to hate me.
I'm gonna forget you said that.
All great leaders were hated by their men.
I mean, MacArthur, Bradley, Nimitz.
If the men hate you, they fear you.
And if they fear you, they'll follow you.
Well, supposing they just run away again.
Well, then put 'em on report.
Put 'em on report?
My own friends?
Soldier, a good commander has no friends.
Ten-hut!
I haven't got a ten-hut.
How about two fives?
Great, Ralphie.
All right, the fun's over, Malph!
That was one of my better ones, Rich.
Hut! Get this flag up here.
Get your pockets out of your hands!
It's, uh, "hands out of your pockets."
Hut!
I did better than you, Richie.
Hut!
All right, now, we each have a job to do.
If you don't do it, I'm gonna put you clowns on report!
You'll flunk ROTC,
and you'll have to take it over again in summer school.
Okay, Cunningham.
Yes, sir.
How's it going, boy?
Are they hating you yet?
Well, sir Good. I knew they would.
What's with Richie?
I think this military junk went to his head.
Yeah.
Look, hey, guys, come here.
I think what Richie needs is the old treatment.
The treatment?
Right, it's for his own good.
You got it.
All right, I'm glad to see you guys have finally wised up.
If there's a national emergency, we'll be prepared.
Ten-hut!
Right shoulder, arms.
Present arms!
All right, now, sound off!
One. Two.
Malph, you're a real clown, you know that?
You're very funny.
See if you think this is funny.
All right!
All right, that's it!
That did it!
I should put you all on report,
but I'm not going to because you're friends of mine.
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
I'm gonna turn my back and I'm gonna count to five,
and when I turn around, you'd
better be standing at attention
or else I'm gonna put you on report!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
All right, that's it!
You're on report!
Wherever you are, you're on report!
You hear me?!
Ralph Malph, on report!
Potsie Weber, on report!
Chip Grobowski, on report!
Charlie Talbot, on report!
Coz Costello, on report!
Richie Cunningham You hear me?!
You're all on report!
You hear that?!
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Come on, hey, I'll buy you guys a soda, how about that, huh?
Hey, Ralphie, I learned something very interesting.
What's that?
In the Army, the enlisted men
aren't supposed to fraternize with the brass.
I thought it was the other way around, Potsie.
You guys think I wanted to put you on report?
You made me do it, you know.
Aw, gee, maybe we twisted his arm too hard.
We had to.
How else could we get our best friend to put us on report?
I was just doing my duty.
Most people would realize we're not talking to him.
Most people would have caught on by now.
May I take that game, Potsie?
Certainly, Ralphie.
Excuse me, unknown person.
Thank you.
Get the hundred, get the hundred!
I got it, I got it. Come on!
It's lit, it's lit.
Okay, get it back, get it back.
No mountain too high ♪
Hey, Fonz.
Listen.
Supposing you were in charge of an ROTC squad,
and, uh, well, the guys weren't following your orders,
what would you do? Shoot 'em.
Shoot 'em? Yeah.
That's what John Wayne would do if his, uh, troops
went chicken in the field in battle.
Yeah, but this isn't war, it's just ROTC.
Okay, then you go completely the other way.
Just play it cool.
Cool.
Yeah, that's what I just said cool. Huh?
You got to give 'em quiet authority, huh?
See, I'll show you.
Now, it's all in the eyes.
One burger, one coke.
He-he-hey.
What's the he-he-hey?
He-he-ey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, too much ice in the coke
and not enough ketchup on the hamburger.
I'll be right back.
See, now that's called the big C.C.
Cool Communication through the eyes, huh.
Yeah, but you did throw in a couple of hey-eys.
Hey-ey's my lingo.
Here you go, Mr. Fonzarelli.
I hope I did it right this time.
Good job.
My pleasure.
Now you got it?
Yeah, I think so. I hope so.
I hope it works for you.
Yeah, me, too. I
I had a lot of trouble with them.
I finally had to report them.
You mean that you squealed on them?
Well, it was all in the line of duty.
Oh, that's great.
I give you top notch advice
and then you turn out to be a fink.
Yeah, but Fonz, they weren't listening.
Hey, Fonz, nothing.
Now just do me a favor, walk away real slow, huh.
I can't have my reputation damaged
by being seen talking to a stoolie.
Go on.
There's not enough ice in here. Oh
Hey, Wendy.
Hi, Rich, how's the new leader?
Oh, I'm okay.
He finked on all his friends.
All right, that does it.
Come on, Joanie, up to bed.
Oh, Mom, can't I stay up
to see Grucho give his secret word?
No, and besides, Grucho gets too suggestive sometimes.
But I like that stuff.
To bed.
To bed.
Rich, what happened today?
Well, I tried to make the men love me.
And?
I wound up putting them on report.
They're gonna hate you.
Yeah, Mr. Binicky could give them an F
and then they'd have to take ROTC over again in the summer.
Well, that's pretty drastic.
I had no choice, Dad.
It was like I had a mutiny on my hands.
Did you see Humphrey Bogart in The Caine Mutiny?
Are you kidding?
"Then there was a strawberry incident.
They all turned against me."
No, I, I gotta quit.
I'm no leader.
Oh, I don't think it's as bad as all that.
You gotta stick it out.
That's what all the great leaders did.
I know, I know.
MacArthur, Nimitz and Bradley.
I'm gonna go to bed, Dad.
Good night.
Good night, dear. Good night, Mom.
"You know what he did, Green Eyes?
He put his own men on report."
Oh, you know how I love Humphrey Bogart.
Hmm?
"If I'd known that, baby, I'd have talked this way sooner."
Hey.
It's left, right, left left.
Left.
Left.
This court is now in session.
We are here to find out
if Richard J. Cunningham, Private, is a fink.
Hey, bring in the fink.
He-he-hey.
I object.
Overruled.
He-he-hey.
Bring in the first witness.
Dad!
Time after time I have to have
a heart-to-heart talk with him.
He's always coming to me with his problems.
Now, wouldn't you think he could
work something out for himself.
I think he's hopeless.
And I'll tell you something else.
Last week he put me on report.
Now I have to spend the whole
summer marching in the hot sun.
And what is your relationship?
I'm his sister.
And he's a tease and a big boss.
It's no fun being related to Richie.
That's the dirtiest word I ever heard.
I object.
Objection overruled.
He's gone ape with power.
He treats us like puppets.
That's not true.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left, right, left, right. Let's go to a panty raid.
Left, right, left, right. Let's go to a panty raid.
I object.
Overruled.
I can't get a break.
He hasn't got a friend in the world.
I'll take the stand in my own defense.
Hey!
I tried my best, but all my friends turned against me.
I don't care, let 'em.
I don't need any friends.
I don't need anybody.
I'll put them all on report.
I'll put the whole world on report.
There.
How do you like them apples?
Heyyy.
Guilty.
We find you guilty.
You did?
Could I have an Arnold burger and a shake before I go?
Would like the blindfold and one last cigarette?
I don't smoke, I'll take the blindfold.
Sorry, we can't break up the set.
Ready?
Aim.
Fire!
No. No.
No!
Uh, stop.
Stop. I'll change.
I'll change.
I'll change!
I'll change.
I'll change.
I'll change.
All right, listen up.
This is the form putting all you guys on report.
Guys I gotta level with you.
When Mr. Binicky made me squad leader, I
I didn't know what to do.
I tried everything.
I guess it was because I felt
you guys weren't backing me up.
Guess I sort of lost my temper.
But I'm just going to be myself now.
If you want to follow, that's fine.
If you don't, there's, there's nothing I can do about it.
That was beautiful, Rich.
Just like Burt Lancaster to Montgomery Clift
in From Here To Eternity.
Hey, Rich, uh
I guess we all sort of took advantage of you
and, well, we're sorry.
Listen.
If you march good in the inspection today,
I promise to quit as squad leader.
Really? Yeah.
And then we can be buddies again.
Which means you owe me a dollar.
Thanks, buddy.
All right, now, just one time good, all right?
Okay! Okay.
Let's go.
Come on, guys.
Ten-hut.
Right shoulder, arms.
Thanks, guys, this is terrific.
Your son's squad's next.
Third squad, pass and review.
I'm so proud.
You should be.
He's gonna be a great leader.
His men hate him.
Right shoulder, arms!
Okay, let's show them, guys.
Forward, 'arch.
Left, left.
Left, right, left.
Left flank, march.
Left.
Left, left, right.
Right flank, march.
Left, left.
Left, right, left.
Hey, watch out.
Hey, get back!
They're all wet.
Boy, you did just fine, Richard.
You just did fine.
Mom, will you quit saying that because I did terrible.
No, you went in there
and you threw yourself on that live sprinkler.
You saved all those boys.
Does Jefferson High School give out.
Congressional Medals Of Honor?
I, I let you down, Dad.
I'm no leader.
Oh, Howard, tell him.
All right, Marion, if you'll, uh
Oh, yeah.
Well, I'll just go upstairs and run a hot bath, dear.
That's a good idea, Marion.
When I'm through, you can take a shower.
Richard, I was proud of you today.
Oh, I fouled up, Dad, don't say that.
I was proud of you because you tried.
Look, it's not important to be a great leader.
It isn't? No.
It's just as important to be a good follower.
Follow me.
Dad, don't you ever get tired
of solving all my problems for me?
There you are, fellas.
Bon appetite.
If all waitresses were like her,
I'd become an ice cream junky.
Hey, Cunningham.
I hear you messed up your squad the other day.
Good going. Good going?
Yeah, let me tell you something.
Guys like you make this country tick.
Remember this
foul-ups shall inherit the Earth.
Hmm?
Nah, you'll never remember it, huh?
I'll write it on the bathroom wall for you.
Heyyy.
Come on, but you have to stay outside.
Rich, we're gonna inherit the Earth.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Potsie. Hey, Potsie.
Guess who's the new squad leader?
Who?
Ten-hut!
Yeah, my father thinks it's a good idea to learn leadership.
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Now we know who not to talk to.
Right.
We'll start by jamming bubble gum
in his rifle.
Yeah, and then we'll put salt
in his canteen.
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪
Ready to race to you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪Oh, baby ♪
Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪
It feels so right, it can't be wrong ♪
Rocking and rolling all week long ♪
Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪
Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
Saturday, what a day ♪
Groovin' all week with you ♪
These days are ours ♪
Share them with me ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These days are ours ♪
Happy and free ♪Oh, baby ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
Squad!
Ten-hut!
Right shoulder, arms!
About face!
Forward, march!
Left, left, left.
To the right flank, march!
You two soldiers, back in line.
About face!
March!
Back in line, soldiers!
To the left flank, march!
Forward!
Left, left.
Get in step, one, two, halt!
One, two.
What's the matter with you soldiers?
Look straight ahead.
Ten-hut, ten-hut.
I'm gonna teach you to march.
Look at that.
Look at Squad One.
They know how to march.
Don't look that way, keep your eyes front!
We're gonna learn some discipline around here.
Keep that flag straight, soldier!
I want to give him the old "Toulouse-Lautrec."
Ten-hut!
Right shoulder, arms!
Left face.
Forward 'arch.
Left Squad, halt!
Ten-hut!
Attention!
Ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut!
Jeez, you guys, come on, ten-hut!
You're supposed to Okay, men.
What's going on here?
Up! Will you get up? Up! Up!
I mean all this
Huh. This isn't kindergarten, you know.
This is ROTC.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Want me to, uh, fill out a report
so we can do this all again in summer school?
In the hot sun?
Now this, uh
this is the worst squad I've got.
I don't know.
What's the problem here? I don't know, sir.
I've been trying to whip them in shape.
They just don't seem to respond.
I think it's a clear case of insubordination.
Right.
All right.
You're fired.
Get back in ranks.
Um, I
Will you get in the ranks? But I'm squad leader!
Will you get back in the ranks? Can't I be the squad
Hey! I'm gonna get back in the ranks.
All right.
Now, we're gonna need a new leader.
Someone else to take charge.
You.
What's your name?
Uh, Cunningham, Richard Cunningham.
Cunningham, step forward.
You're gonna be the new leader.
Aw, sir, I-I really don't want to be the squad leader.
You'll thank me for this, soldier.
Let me see you take charge of this squad.
Right face.
Left face.
Uh at ease.
Sharp. Sharp!
Carry on, soldier.
Hey, that's great.
Richie's squad leader.
And now we can really goof off.
The best looking girls are at gym now.
Let's try another panty raid.
Wait a minute, guys.
We got to line up and march.
Attention.
Good idea, Rich.
We'll march over and check out the girls gym.
We'll really surprise 'em.
Hey, right, Ralph.
Okay, guys, double time, march!
Ho-o!
Attention! Attention!
Good luck, new squad leader.
Hey. Hey!
All right, at ease.
Do you think these ropes are strong enough, dear?
Are you giving me another shot about my weight, Marion?
Oh, no.
Well, maybe a little shot, dear.
Will you let me get on with this?
The ropes are fine. Excuse me.
I haven't gained a pound in over a year.
Dad, do you need another hand?
He certainly doesn't need another stomach.
That's two, Marion.
A guy gets a little soft from no exercise,
and right away everyone thinks he's gaining weight.
Yeah.
Dad, do you think that you could give me a note
saying that my ankle is sprained so I don't have to be
a squad leader in ROTC?
They want to make you a squad leader?
Yeah, but I told them I didn't want to do it.
Gee, that's terrific, Richard,
but why do you want to get out of it?
Because I hate it.
I mean, who wants to be the boss out there?
Richard, leadership is one of
the most important qualities in life
for your whole future.
You know, I was a mess sergeant in the Army,
and that's one of the main reasons
why I'm a success today in the hardware business.
It taught me how to handle people.
Well, I don't know much about leading men.
Well, there's one little secret to it.
You got to make your men love you.
All the great leaders had that quality
MacArthur, Nimitz, Bradley.
You know what I used to do?
I used to put extra gravy on the men's mashed potatoes
and they'd do anything for me.
My squad brings their lunch.
On my birthday, they wrote "Happy Birthday"
in creamed chip beef on a big piece of toast.
You're not gonna give me the note, are you, Dad?
No, Richard,
because I think you should try.
If you want to be anything in this life,
you got to be a leader.
And remember this: You got to get your men
to love you before they'll follow you.
Are you all right?
Don't tell your mother.
She won't give me dessert for a year.
She's the most beautiful chick I ever saw.
She's enough to make me forget Julie Anna Wentz.
She's alone. Go on over.
Don't rush me, Potsie.
My face breaks out when I'm rushed.
I'm ready.
Hey, guys. I got to go, Rich, I got to go.
Oh, this'll just take a minute.
I want to see how my good buddies are doing.
We're doing fine. I got to go before my face breaks out.
Never mind, I don't have to go.
Ah, good.
You know, I was out there on that field today
and I was thinking about how lucky I am
to have buddies like you guys.
Forget it, we're broke.
Oh, I wasn't gonna put the touch on you.
As a matter of fact, I was gonna ask you
if there's anything at all that you guys need.
Oh, well, I could use a couple of bucks
for the dance Saturday night.
Say no more.
Listen, I only have a dollar,
but I'll give you the other dollar tomorrow.
Are you feeling okay, Rich?
Sure.
Hey, can't a guy be nice to his buddies without being crazy?
And we are buddies, right?
Oh, yeah. Blood buddies.
And we have a lot of laughs together, right?
So, listen, when we get out there on that field tomorrow,
you guys'll listen to me, right, guys?
Wrong, guys. Wrong, guys.
I should have asked for my dollar back.
Come in.
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
Ah, I'm Cunningham, sir.
You made me the leader of the third squad yesterday.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, why aren't you out there leading your squad?
Because my men ran away.
Hey!
Good.
Don't worry about that.
It's just a, just a dummy.
Souvenir of "The Big One."
Soldier, today
today you learned the secret of good leadership.
Your men hate your guts.
That's right, Cunningham.
Good going, soldier.
But I don't think that I want my men to hate me.
I'm gonna forget you said that.
All great leaders were hated by their men.
I mean, MacArthur, Bradley, Nimitz.
If the men hate you, they fear you.
And if they fear you, they'll follow you.
Well, supposing they just run away again.
Well, then put 'em on report.
Put 'em on report?
My own friends?
Soldier, a good commander has no friends.
Ten-hut!
I haven't got a ten-hut.
How about two fives?
Great, Ralphie.
All right, the fun's over, Malph!
That was one of my better ones, Rich.
Hut! Get this flag up here.
Get your pockets out of your hands!
It's, uh, "hands out of your pockets."
Hut!
I did better than you, Richie.
Hut!
All right, now, we each have a job to do.
If you don't do it, I'm gonna put you clowns on report!
You'll flunk ROTC,
and you'll have to take it over again in summer school.
Okay, Cunningham.
Yes, sir.
How's it going, boy?
Are they hating you yet?
Well, sir Good. I knew they would.
What's with Richie?
I think this military junk went to his head.
Yeah.
Look, hey, guys, come here.
I think what Richie needs is the old treatment.
The treatment?
Right, it's for his own good.
You got it.
All right, I'm glad to see you guys have finally wised up.
If there's a national emergency, we'll be prepared.
Ten-hut!
Right shoulder, arms.
Present arms!
All right, now, sound off!
One. Two.
Malph, you're a real clown, you know that?
You're very funny.
See if you think this is funny.
All right!
All right, that's it!
That did it!
I should put you all on report,
but I'm not going to because you're friends of mine.
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
I'm gonna turn my back and I'm gonna count to five,
and when I turn around, you'd
better be standing at attention
or else I'm gonna put you on report!
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
All right, that's it!
You're on report!
Wherever you are, you're on report!
You hear me?!
Ralph Malph, on report!
Potsie Weber, on report!
Chip Grobowski, on report!
Charlie Talbot, on report!
Coz Costello, on report!
Richie Cunningham You hear me?!
You're all on report!
You hear that?!
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Come on, hey, I'll buy you guys a soda, how about that, huh?
Hey, Ralphie, I learned something very interesting.
What's that?
In the Army, the enlisted men
aren't supposed to fraternize with the brass.
I thought it was the other way around, Potsie.
You guys think I wanted to put you on report?
You made me do it, you know.
Aw, gee, maybe we twisted his arm too hard.
We had to.
How else could we get our best friend to put us on report?
I was just doing my duty.
Most people would realize we're not talking to him.
Most people would have caught on by now.
May I take that game, Potsie?
Certainly, Ralphie.
Excuse me, unknown person.
Thank you.
Get the hundred, get the hundred!
I got it, I got it. Come on!
It's lit, it's lit.
Okay, get it back, get it back.
No mountain too high ♪
Hey, Fonz.
Listen.
Supposing you were in charge of an ROTC squad,
and, uh, well, the guys weren't following your orders,
what would you do? Shoot 'em.
Shoot 'em? Yeah.
That's what John Wayne would do if his, uh, troops
went chicken in the field in battle.
Yeah, but this isn't war, it's just ROTC.
Okay, then you go completely the other way.
Just play it cool.
Cool.
Yeah, that's what I just said cool. Huh?
You got to give 'em quiet authority, huh?
See, I'll show you.
Now, it's all in the eyes.
One burger, one coke.
He-he-hey.
What's the he-he-hey?
He-he-ey.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, too much ice in the coke
and not enough ketchup on the hamburger.
I'll be right back.
See, now that's called the big C.C.
Cool Communication through the eyes, huh.
Yeah, but you did throw in a couple of hey-eys.
Hey-ey's my lingo.
Here you go, Mr. Fonzarelli.
I hope I did it right this time.
Good job.
My pleasure.
Now you got it?
Yeah, I think so. I hope so.
I hope it works for you.
Yeah, me, too. I
I had a lot of trouble with them.
I finally had to report them.
You mean that you squealed on them?
Well, it was all in the line of duty.
Oh, that's great.
I give you top notch advice
and then you turn out to be a fink.
Yeah, but Fonz, they weren't listening.
Hey, Fonz, nothing.
Now just do me a favor, walk away real slow, huh.
I can't have my reputation damaged
by being seen talking to a stoolie.
Go on.
There's not enough ice in here. Oh
Hey, Wendy.
Hi, Rich, how's the new leader?
Oh, I'm okay.
He finked on all his friends.
All right, that does it.
Come on, Joanie, up to bed.
Oh, Mom, can't I stay up
to see Grucho give his secret word?
No, and besides, Grucho gets too suggestive sometimes.
But I like that stuff.
To bed.
To bed.
Rich, what happened today?
Well, I tried to make the men love me.
And?
I wound up putting them on report.
They're gonna hate you.
Yeah, Mr. Binicky could give them an F
and then they'd have to take ROTC over again in the summer.
Well, that's pretty drastic.
I had no choice, Dad.
It was like I had a mutiny on my hands.
Did you see Humphrey Bogart in The Caine Mutiny?
Are you kidding?
"Then there was a strawberry incident.
They all turned against me."
No, I, I gotta quit.
I'm no leader.
Oh, I don't think it's as bad as all that.
You gotta stick it out.
That's what all the great leaders did.
I know, I know.
MacArthur, Nimitz and Bradley.
I'm gonna go to bed, Dad.
Good night.
Good night, dear. Good night, Mom.
"You know what he did, Green Eyes?
He put his own men on report."
Oh, you know how I love Humphrey Bogart.
Hmm?
"If I'd known that, baby, I'd have talked this way sooner."
Hey.
It's left, right, left left.
Left.
Left.
This court is now in session.
We are here to find out
if Richard J. Cunningham, Private, is a fink.
Hey, bring in the fink.
He-he-hey.
I object.
Overruled.
He-he-hey.
Bring in the first witness.
Dad!
Time after time I have to have
a heart-to-heart talk with him.
He's always coming to me with his problems.
Now, wouldn't you think he could
work something out for himself.
I think he's hopeless.
And I'll tell you something else.
Last week he put me on report.
Now I have to spend the whole
summer marching in the hot sun.
And what is your relationship?
I'm his sister.
And he's a tease and a big boss.
It's no fun being related to Richie.
That's the dirtiest word I ever heard.
I object.
Objection overruled.
He's gone ape with power.
He treats us like puppets.
That's not true.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Left, right, left, right. Let's go to a panty raid.
Left, right, left, right. Let's go to a panty raid.
I object.
Overruled.
I can't get a break.
He hasn't got a friend in the world.
I'll take the stand in my own defense.
Hey!
I tried my best, but all my friends turned against me.
I don't care, let 'em.
I don't need any friends.
I don't need anybody.
I'll put them all on report.
I'll put the whole world on report.
There.
How do you like them apples?
Heyyy.
Guilty.
We find you guilty.
You did?
Could I have an Arnold burger and a shake before I go?
Would like the blindfold and one last cigarette?
I don't smoke, I'll take the blindfold.
Sorry, we can't break up the set.
Ready?
Aim.
Fire!
No. No.
No!
Uh, stop.
Stop. I'll change.
I'll change.
I'll change!
I'll change.
I'll change.
I'll change.
All right, listen up.
This is the form putting all you guys on report.
Guys I gotta level with you.
When Mr. Binicky made me squad leader, I
I didn't know what to do.
I tried everything.
I guess it was because I felt
you guys weren't backing me up.
Guess I sort of lost my temper.
But I'm just going to be myself now.
If you want to follow, that's fine.
If you don't, there's, there's nothing I can do about it.
That was beautiful, Rich.
Just like Burt Lancaster to Montgomery Clift
in From Here To Eternity.
Hey, Rich, uh
I guess we all sort of took advantage of you
and, well, we're sorry.
Listen.
If you march good in the inspection today,
I promise to quit as squad leader.
Really? Yeah.
And then we can be buddies again.
Which means you owe me a dollar.
Thanks, buddy.
All right, now, just one time good, all right?
Okay! Okay.
Let's go.
Come on, guys.
Ten-hut.
Right shoulder, arms.
Thanks, guys, this is terrific.
Your son's squad's next.
Third squad, pass and review.
I'm so proud.
You should be.
He's gonna be a great leader.
His men hate him.
Right shoulder, arms!
Okay, let's show them, guys.
Forward, 'arch.
Left, left.
Left, right, left.
Left flank, march.
Left.
Left, left, right.
Right flank, march.
Left, left.
Left, right, left.
Hey, watch out.
Hey, get back!
They're all wet.
Boy, you did just fine, Richard.
You just did fine.
Mom, will you quit saying that because I did terrible.
No, you went in there
and you threw yourself on that live sprinkler.
You saved all those boys.
Does Jefferson High School give out.
Congressional Medals Of Honor?
I, I let you down, Dad.
I'm no leader.
Oh, Howard, tell him.
All right, Marion, if you'll, uh
Oh, yeah.
Well, I'll just go upstairs and run a hot bath, dear.
That's a good idea, Marion.
When I'm through, you can take a shower.
Richard, I was proud of you today.
Oh, I fouled up, Dad, don't say that.
I was proud of you because you tried.
Look, it's not important to be a great leader.
It isn't? No.
It's just as important to be a good follower.
Follow me.
Dad, don't you ever get tired
of solving all my problems for me?
There you are, fellas.
Bon appetite.
If all waitresses were like her,
I'd become an ice cream junky.
Hey, Cunningham.
I hear you messed up your squad the other day.
Good going. Good going?
Yeah, let me tell you something.
Guys like you make this country tick.
Remember this
foul-ups shall inherit the Earth.
Hmm?
Nah, you'll never remember it, huh?
I'll write it on the bathroom wall for you.
Heyyy.
Come on, but you have to stay outside.
Rich, we're gonna inherit the Earth.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Potsie. Hey, Potsie.
Guess who's the new squad leader?
Who?
Ten-hut!
Yeah, my father thinks it's a good idea to learn leadership.
Oh, yeah, that's great.
Now we know who not to talk to.
Right.
We'll start by jamming bubble gum
in his rifle.
Yeah, and then we'll put salt
in his canteen.
Hello, sunshine, good-bye, rain ♪
She's wearing my school ring on her chain ♪
She's my steady, I'm her man ♪
I'm gonna love her all I can ♪
This day is ours ♪
Won't you be mine? ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
This day is ours ♪
Oh, please be mine ♪
Oh, happy days ♪
These happy days are yours and mine ♪
These happy days are yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪