Leanne (2025) s02e05 Episode Script

[upbeat theme music playing]
[lively music playing]
[metal clatters]
You heard that too, right?
Mm. It's 7:00 a.m.
I'm willing to pretend I didn't.
Mm. What are we thinking?
Raccoon? Or is the trashman drunk again?
You know, we never decided
which one of us is in charge
of investigating creepy noises.
I say we start with you,
and if it doesn't go well,
we know we've made the wrong choice.
-You're older.
-You're younger.
-You're prettier.
-That's cheating.
[metal thuds]
Hey, hey, hey.
What about "secret mission"
don't you understand?
I don't understand
why this is a secret mission.
[Leanne] Whoever you are, we're coming in!
Ah.
What are you two ding-dongs doing in here?
Uh…
Bill?
[Bill] Uh…
Just hoping to catch a glimpse
of our two favorite ladies
in their cute jammies.
Just tell me. I promise I won't get…
Just tell me.
All right. I hired Bill
to rebuild my burned-up kitchen.
Absolutely not.
You are hiring a licensed contractor.
I don't trust contractors.
But you trust an RV salesman
who cheated on your daughter?
Yes.
Aw, thanks, John.
You're not qualified to do this job.
Well, I am where it matters, Leanne.
Right here.
I think the problem is right here.
It's my house. Just butt out.
Well, if the kitchen ends up
like the kids' treehouse,
it's not gonna make it through winter.
Leanne, you're the reason
the treehouse collapsed.
No, it's all your fault.
You're the one that took me to Ribfest.
Do we need to bother with a permit,
or are we just gonna rock and roll?
Oh, my Lord. I'm gonna have to
oversee this whole circus, aren't I?
Yep. That's why I don't get involved.
You start caring about stuff,
you get burned. [chuckles]
Carol! Grab a sledgehammer
and get in the truck.
We need another pair of big, strong hands.
I hate being your son.
Leanne ♪
[upbeat music playing]
Look, Daddy, it's the soft-close kind.
They shut by themselves.
I ain't buying anything
with the word "soft" in it.
Hey, John, they're practically giving away
the chipped ones on the floor over there.
"Chipped ones," you say? I'm…
Why do you encourage him?
I'm just distracting him
so we can sneak in the good stuff.
So, what do you say? Uh, soft close
with a spice rack in white oak?
What's your game here, Bill?
You trying to worm your way
back into my life
with your tasteful cabinet choices
and your Daddy whispering?
Well, believe it or not, Leanne,
this project isn't about you.
It's about me. And these.
This is good for me,
and it's good for John.
Gives us a… a sense of purpose.
Then white oak is very nice. Thank you.
There you are, Mama.
We're supposed to be looking at sinks.
I just wanted to see the new roses.
Aw. Well, let's grab some for your garden.
Oh no, that ship has sailed.
I can't even get on my knees anymore.
Shame for the roses.
Shame for your daddy.
Excuse me?
He loved my roses.
Well, you always had the prettiest garden.
It was my Shangri-La.
[chuckles] I remember when you won
blue ribbon for best on the block.
And I wasn't seen leaving
the judge's house at 4:00 a.m.,
like some people.
[Carol] Mm.
Phyllis Carter. Ugh.
-You said it. I didn't.
-[Carol chuckles]
Well, let's grab some flowers.
No. At my age, you have
to say goodbye to the things you love.
That breaks my heart.
-Mine too.
-Oh.
Well, let's team up, right?
Yeah, uh, you can supervise,
and I'll do the dirty work.
Oh, Carol, that's too much.
-Oh, please, Mama, let me be your knees.
-[Mama Margaret chuckles]
You ladies finding everything you need?
Uh…
-We are now.
-Mm.
I'm Margaret Letitia Hayes.
Uh, this is my single daughter, Carol.
[Carol] I'm so sorry.
We're supposed to be looking at sinks,
but we're playing hooky.
-I won't tell.
-[Carol chuckles]
-Look at that natural chemistry.
-[chuckles]
Pay no attention to her.
Unless you want to.
Yeah, I got some tiger lilies
in the back that I haven't put out yet.
You can have first dibs.
-Oh, that would be lovely. Thank you.
-[Carol] Mm-hm.
Carol, lose the scrunchie,
and let your hair go loose.
Stop, Mama. I can break my own stallions.
Did you see a wedding ring?
Not even a tan line.
[lilting music playing]
Daddy, this isn't the tile we agreed on.
Who cares?
I'm the one who's gonna be looking at it.
No, prospective buyers
are gonna be looking at it
when we put this place up for sale.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What makes you think I'm selling my house?
We've already had this conversation
at the family meeting.
Three women clucking over each other
ain't a meeting.
It's the slow demise of the American male.
Hang in there, John. Your time will come.
Well, I ain't selling this place
just so somebody can knock it down
and build a damn methadone clinic.
If they pay top dollar,
they could build a brothel.
He saw a methadone clinic
on Kojak last night. He's obsessed.
That man is riding my last nerve.
And I can't even smash this tile,
because I got to take it back.
You want to break something? Have at.
No, not me. The wall.
Seriously?
It's got to come out one way or the other.
There you go.
Embrace the destruction.
It'll set you free.
That was nice.
No, no, no.
You got to put
a little mustard on that dog, huh?
Like this.
Impressive. What were you thinking about?
Faye naming our son Clem.
Clem?
Her father's name.
I think it's French for "hayseed."
There you go.
We are selling!
-[exclaims]
-[laughs]
That's it. Hit it again.
I didn't break the treehouse!
Hit it again.
You love your mother.
You love your mother.
Who's ready for some sweet tea?
[grunts] Me. And the hamster
we buried when we were kids.
[Mama Margaret] Oh.
Twenty in, 20 to go.
Oh, my.
Beautiful, right?
What exactly was your process here?
Dig a hole, see a bug, scream, repeat.
The spacing is disastrous.
Where's that ruler I gave you?
On the roof.
Carol,
why did you volunteer for this project
if you weren't going to take it seriously?
I am.
I just sneezed pure dirt.
What do you want from me?
I can't let anyone see this jangled chaos.
I'll be the talk of the town.
Do you know how many toilet planters
I pass on a given day? No one cares!
I care. And you're going to have
to do this whole thing over.
Oh, ho-ho! Not gonna happen!
[scoffs] It's good enough.
And there it is.
-What?
-The problem.
You settle.
Jobs, husbands, petunias.
And where will it end, Carol?
Where will it ever end?
Right here. I quit.
I'm done being your knees!
Keep my knees out of your mouth.
[grunts] Ooh!
That was better than therapy.
I assume. I've never had any.
It shows.
No mentally stable person
can take down a wall like you did.
You earned a cold one.
Will you save me a wall for Thursday?
I'm starting intermittent fasting.
I'm already so mad I could spit.
[Bill sighs]
Well… [sighs] …I better show
those brackets who's boss, huh?
-["Pony" by Ginuwine playing]
-If you're horny, let's do it ♪
Ride it, my pony ♪
My saddle's waitin' ♪
Come and jump on it ♪
If you're horny, let's do it ♪
Ride it, my pony ♪
My saddle's waitin' ♪
Come and jump on it ♪
Sitting here flossing ♪
Peeping your steelo ♪
Just once, if I have the chance ♪
-[music stops]
-Hot flash?
Something like that. I gotta go.
[lilting music playing]
Can I borrow an ice pack?
No, but I'm too weak to stop you.
Thought you were just gardening.
Just gardening.
You ever dig ditches
while Mama screams at you
like a Jersey housewife?
Flowers do bring out her crazy.
Nothing I do is good enough for her.
It's always been that way.
[sighs]
"No, Carol, that's not true.
Mama loves you."
-Oh, you wanted me to jump in.
-Yeah. Uh-huh.
That would have been nice.
What happened to you?
Well, it started out as demolition,
and then it got real weird on me.
What do you mean?
Bill standing on a ladder
holding a power drill
left me somewhat confused.
Like, you wanted
to pull the ladder out from under him?
No, a different kind of confused.
The tingly kind?
Don't you say that word.
We're talking about Bill.
But, yes, there may have been tingling.
I can't even look at you.
I can't look at me, either. Mm.
As your sister,
I know I'm supposed to ask.
You want to delve into it?
I feel we should,
but I really don't want to.
Good, because I didn't mean it.
It was a very brief,
disturbing moment, but it's over now.
Not as disturbing
as what I'm about to say.
Now that I've seen the real Mama,
I think she killed our hamster.
[lilting music playing]
Shoot. Did Daddy cheap out on these nails?
'Cause they keep bending on me.
Oh, well, it can be a little tricky.
Let me show you how.
First, you want
to grab your tool low on the shaft.
Then it's all about your stroke.
Long, slow, steady strokes.
Oh, that's so satisfying.
You don't want
to dance around tiny little taps.
Strike it with complete confidence.
Tell that nail,
"I've ruined you for other men."
Oh, yeah.
Don't stop.
[gasps]
[panting]
[whimsical music playing]
Light touch on those highlights, Kimi.
I want it buttery, not margarine.
So, Country Crock-ish.
And that's why I come here.
I'm almost scared
to ask how things are going
with that kitchen remodel.
What would scare you enough
to mind your own beeswax?
She's redoing
her parents' kitchen with her ex.
[Kimi] Ooh.
You should have called me.
I got a contractor
who's fast, cheap, and hot.
Bill checks at least two of those boxes.
I know Bill's cheap.
Which is the other one?
Come on.
I can't be the only woman
who's noticed Bill's cute little tushy
in those sensible slacks. Mm!
Mary, you're talking about my ex-husband.
Well, Leanne, I guess
you just own all the men forever.
When you were a little girl,
did you have a crush on Gumby?
Wasn't allowed to watch Gumby.
I didn't make babies with Gumby!
And in Bill's defense, something happens
when he straps on that tool belt.
There's something about a man
with big hammer energy.
Oh, is that what it is?
Is that what what is?
Nothing.
Nope. Too late.
Are we having a little divorce remorse?
No!
Mm. When a no has that many O's in it,
there is a yes hidden inside.
[sighs]
Okay, I had a dream.
Hot damn, here we go.
Oh, Leanne, I will pray for you. Mm.
[hair dryer whirring]
All right, spill it.
I woke up before anything nasty happened,
but we were headed in that direction.
Uh-huh.
Okay, well, that's perfectly normal,
but here's my question.
When you went back to sleep,
were you hoping to pick up
where you left off?
No!
I realize I just stacked a lot of O's,
but it's a simple no.
You know, sometimes dreams
are just wish fulfillment.
There's other hairdressers
in this town that I can go to.
Listen, lady,
I've been riding this chair
for a lot of years,
and I've learned a couple things.
Nobody looks good in a bowl cut,
old people don't tip,
and every divorced woman
has sex with the ex.
I do not want to have S-E-X with Bill.
Did I just lip-read S-E-X?
Mary, get back under there,
or I'll go full Carrot Top on your ass.
Yes, ma'am.
Everybody thinks divorce
is black and white and final.
It's never that clean.
I just had a little dream.
I've had some where I can fly.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna get
one of those flying-squirrel suits
and jump into a gorge.
Sex is a necessary part
of the divorce process.
It leads people back together,
or it slams that door shut for good,
but either way,
sure makes dropping the kids off fun.
Is my hair on fire? I smell smoked ham.
Oh, my God!
You're fine. You're fine.
Just get to the sink fast.
[lilting music playing]
Carol.
-Carol.
-[Carol gasps and moans]
God, it's you.
I'm not used to people
your age day-sleeping.
It's called a nap,
and I'm no longer on the job.
Leave me alone.
Let me start over.
-I come with a peace offering.
-[sighs]
I can't go back out there, Mama.
Hear me out.
It was unbecoming, how I behaved.
I used stronger words in my diary,
but go on.
That garden was my pride and joy,
and I'm frustrated I can't do it anymore,
and I took it out
on my other pride and joy.
There are real tears here,
but I'm just so dehydrated.
I was guilty of envy.
You playing in the dirt,
me watching on the sidelines
on that stupid scooter.
[laughs] I don't know.
Sometimes I watch you
and Daddy on your little hot rods,
and I can't wait till I get one.
-Bite your tongue.
-[laughs]
Well… [sighs]
Now that I have the right hat,
and I found some old codeine,
I might be ready to get back in the game.
Oh, really, don't do it just for me.
Oh, there is literally
no other reason I would do it. [laughs]
But we might have to wait
till I'm a little more mobile. [sighs]
Do we?
[scooter horn honks]
How come Daddy's scooter
has a horn and yours doesn't?
-Same reason his pickup has a gun rack.
-[chuckles]
Oh.
You looking at those chrysanthemums?
No, I'm looking at that big,
strong cactus over there.
Race you to him.
Back off. You've got a man.
[lilting music playing]
Who does she think she is,
telling me we're gonna sell my house?
What are you getting all worked up about?
My best memories in life
are in that place.
I feel the same way about this place,
but sometimes you just gotta move on.
All right, don't tell me
what I need to do.
Come on. We're on a journey, huh?
We hung a sheet of drywall today.
Not a lot of men can say that.
Any man who quit high school can say that.
Look, let's just take this
tile by tile, together, all right?
I don't work with no hippies.
I respect your feelings, John.
Stop talking like that.
Kiss my pink ass, old-timer.
That's better.
See you at 6:00.
I'll be here at 9:00.
Bill, you big, dumb Gumby.
-Hey.
-Hey.
I'll be out of your way in a second.
I'm just finishing up.
Good, good.
You get your hair done?
Looks nice.
You haven't noticed my hair
since before I had babies.
Um…
Trying to take in
the little things these days, you know?
Lightning bugs,
smell of fresh-cut grass,
sound of a young--
[Leanne exhales]
Okay.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Much obliged. Carry on.
Guess some people just can't move on.
[whimsical music playing]
[closing theme music playing]
Leanne ♪
Leanne ♪