MobLand (2025) s02e05 Episode Script
Birdland
1
- Did you look him in the eye?
- I did.
What did you see?
[laughs]
He's no clown.
[Gina] How has it taken you
this long to realize
Ireland is a different country?
When are you gonna tell me
what this is about?
You mean, what's the reason
for your quest?
[Harry] Kevin and Conrad are
on the brink of civil war.
This family is
in a death spiral.
Why was Finch
at the yard on his own?
[Harry] Kavanagh's taken
your knees out, mate.
Information runs this world,
and you're no longer
welcome to it.
Please. [shouts]
I know you love me,
but it's not enough.
Let me take you to lunch.
[Jan moaning]
[Jan]
You, Harry, are not enough.
Anyone calls you,
you call that number,
tell the person on the other end
exactly what was said,
- word for word.
- [Harry] You're in with Kat now.
[Harry] That's good for us.
We'll use that.
I am going up to town.
Bully for you. Why?
[Conrad]
Business.
You want a war, Cooper?
[grunting]
I'll give you a fucking war!
[atmospheric music ♪]
This JoJo. Is he a talker?
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
- Paul.
- [Paul] Hey, Harry.
Listen, we just hit Frankie now.
Took out four fucking
foot soldiers.
Where are you?
We're in the Cotswolds.
Also
there's something else.
♪
[men screaming in distance]
[pulsing music ♪]
[Paul]
Harry, Kevin.
Paul.
Where is he?
In the barns.
Thanks, Paul.
Morning.
["Starburster"
by Fontaines D.C. playing ♪]
It may feel bad ♪
It may feel bad ♪
I wanna see you alone,
I wanna sharp the stone ♪
I wanna bounce the bone,
I wanna mess with it ♪
I wanna lay the Deville,
the whole crew on the sill ♪
I want the preacher and pill,
I wanna bless with it ♪
I wanna head to a mass
and get cast in it ♪
That shit's funnier
than any A-class, innit?♪
I wanna talk with the clown
who has apologies down ♪
Pay him 300 pound
to take a class in it ♪
I wanna bite the phone,
I wanna bleed the tone ♪
I wanna see you alone,
alone, alone, lone ♪
I wanna strait the shark
and find me somewhere to park ♪
Like the light when it's dark,
it's dark, it's dark, dark ♪
A few stars about
make it feel like peace ♪
In a way,
a complimentary round ♪
Constellation got ♪
A twist in it for a GPO ♪
And all the hits in it ♪
I'm gonna hit your business ♪
If it's momentary blissness ♪
I'm gonna hit your business ♪
If it's momentary blissness ♪
I'm gonna hit your business ♪
If it's momentary blissness ♪
[Conrad humming]
As down the glen ♪
One Easter morn ♪
To a city fair ♪
Rode I ♪
There armed lines ♪
Of marching men ♪
In squadrons passed me by ♪
[eerie music ♪]
No pipe did hum ♪
No battle drum ♪
Its loud ♪
Tattoo ♪
But the Angelus bells ♪
O'er the Liffey's swells ♪
Rang out ♪
In the foggy dew ♪
[grunting]
[grunting stops]
[ragged exhale]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[pathologist]
Found this morning by a jogger.
Classic hangman's fracture.
C2, C3 dislocation,
snapped clean.
Show me the pictures.
Do you see many of these?
[pathologist] Two or three
a year in the forest.
Where's the knot, typically?
Round the back.
Or the side, left or right.
- Depending on?
- Which hand you favor.
Left side, right-handed.
Right side, left.
So you can pull it tight.
Like here, on the left.
Finch was left-handed.
If I'm Finch, I don't lie down
with the Harrigans
without a cast-iron
exit strategy.
That wasn't panic.
That was theatre.
[tense music ♪]
I saw you working
all night in the barn there.
- Did your man sing?
- [Conrad chuckles]
Like a fucking Spice Girl.
I know Frankie's hat size,
his shoe size and his cock size.
Intelligence. It's the key
component to any war.
And now Harry's here
to bring us all together.
Peace in our time,
hands across the divide.
Oh, who the fuck
does he think he is?
Bob fucking Geldof?
Harry knows his place.
He's a good soldier.
Don't forget
who the generals are
and who's the cannon fodder.
- Ah.
- And don't go getting all gooey
- over Kevin.
- Yeah.
He made you look like
a right cunt over that
Bazooka, K-Kabuki,
whatever his name was.
His name's fucking Gakbu.
Jan, it's me. Listen, um
I really need to talk to you.
Can you please
call me back urgently?
[phone buzzing]
- Zosh?
- [Zosia] Kavanagh,
- two blokes and a woman.
- [phone chimes]
Uh, Iqbal Khan, Michael Atkins.
No fucking idea.
Kavanagh, Khan, Atkins.
Can you get a name for the girl?
On it.
[door closes]
Bella. Welcome back.
You look awful.
[Bella] Thank you, Maeve.
I stole your stash.
[Maeve]
Harry.
Feed the world ♪
Let them know
it's Christmas time ♪
[chuckles]
Conrad tells me
you've organized a wee sit
for the warring factions.
That is so kind of you.
And how's your own family,
by the way?
You know, Gina and Jan?
Saved a little bit of fairy dust
for them, have you?
Where are they, by the way?
Are they here?
Are they hiding somewhere?
[chuckles]
- No, they're not here.
- [chuckles] Well,
let's hope they're safe.
And for the record,
this sit of yours?
My arse sits
when I fucking tell it to.
["Emer's Dream"
by Colm Mac Con Iomaire playing]
♪
[song continues over radio]
[radio announcer]
Good morning, Sneem.
Top of the morning to you.
What a track to wake up to.
- [knocking on door]
- It's coming up to eight
The weather, as always,
is changeable.
[grunts]
Hello?
[eerie music ♪]
Look at this big boy.
[Gina chuckles]
Who's it from?
Doesn't say.
- Croissants?
- Mm-hmm.
Now we need coffee.
I'm gonna have a shower,
get ready.
- Why don't you go and get some?
- Okay.
[suspenseful music ♪]
[water running]
[Conrad] Hang down
your head and cry ♪
Hang down your head,
Tom Dooley ♪
Poor man,
you're going to die ♪
[laughs]
Harry. [chuckles]
Welcome back.
Breaking news:
our friend Frankie's down
a whole stack of munchkins.
You should have
been there, Harry.
You should've seen
the look on Paul's face.
The poor fucker thought
we were stopping for chips.
Yeah, Paul filled us in
on the basics.
He said it was, um
somewhat impromptu.
Strike hard, circle the wagons.
[chuckles]
Sharpen the cutlass.
Bluff the bunderbluss.
Did you clock choppers
out there on the lawn?
If that doesn't make your tassel
go straight, nothing will.
I looked out the window
and I thought,
"Jesus, I'm in the Alamo."
The man in the barn
JoJo. Working for Frankie
since he was 14.
Staunch.
Loyal. Tickle his tum
and he spilled the lot.
He's dead.
He's what?
He's dead.
Oh, the fucker.
- Silly ponce.
- Mm.
And we was just getting
acquainted. [scoffs]
Do you know what happened
at the Alamo?
[laughs]
Kevin. I didn't
see you there, my boy.
It's so grand to have you
back in the house.
My house. [chuckles]
All that stuff that got said,
it's all just water
under the bridge now.
Water under the bridge.
Let's shake hands
and go up the lane, now,
shall we?
Yeah, yeah,
we'll get to all that.
[tense music ♪]
Okay, um, just to lend
some perspective here,
w-we are all aware
of what's going on, yeah?
And we also know that there is
a lot at stake, so
to that end, I'm not sure
the best place to start
is with a pissing contest
about the fucking Alamo.
The Alamo was an ambush
in which a small band of Texans
were completely wiped out
by the Mexican Army.
Now I suggest we just get
our cocks out and we'll see
- which one's the biggest.
- [Conrad laughs]
Oh, yeah, that's good.
Shall we do that Kevin, now?
Shall I go first? Hmm?
Or shall we ask Bella?
I'm sorry, Conrad.
Gonna have to think of something
a bit better than that.
Well, now, it's a wondrous thing
you've done, Harry.
Yep. When everyone's gathered,
we'll, uh,
we'll light the fire,
open a bottle
and let the healing begin.
[chuckles]
Yeah, tell me now,
is Brendan here? Hmm?
[Kevin]
Brendan?
Brendan's dead.
[tense music ♪]
[high-pitched ringing]
You think I don't know that?
You think I don't know
my son is in the ground?
I meant Eddie.
My other son.
Ah.
Well, he's not coming, either.
Came round, got his passport
and he's fucked off abroad.
Huh.
[grunts softly]
- Maeve!
- Where's Eddie gone?
I don't know.
Maeve!
Conrad,
she's over at the stables.
Well, don't just stand there,
you great goggle-eyed cunt!
Fetch her.
You all right?
Yeah, Donnie's called me
seven times.
What's happened?
Let's go for a walk.
When you do
get in contact, yeah?
This is your party line.
You've been with Conrad
all morning,
Conrad got very excited
and told you all about
his lovely attack.
- What attack?
- Him and Paul had a foray
into Frankie's backyard
last night, all right?
- He's told you about JoJo--
- Who the fuck is JoJo?
Well, okay. Conrad snatched him
and then brought him here
in his boot, but sadly,
- he's bled to death on the way.
- [phone ringing]
- Oh, fuck, it's him.
- Listen, do you understand?
Yes, I've got it.
Do not mention the name JoJo,
because we do not know it yet.
Yep, don't mention JoJo.
[softly]
Okay.
- Donnie.
- Where the fuck you been?
I called ten fucking times.
So first of all, good morning.
Second,
stop shouting at me, prick,
or this whole thing is over.
Do you know what happened
last night?
Of course I know what happened.
Okay? I've been with Dad
all morning.
- [Harry] Jan.
- You've got one minute.
Okay, Jan, um
Listen, something has happened,
and I feel uncomfortable
bringing it up
due to the fact
that it's actually very
sensitive and unpleasant,
but I'm, uh,
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to.
Where are you?
Cotswolds.
[sighs]
Course you are.
How goeth thine quest?
[Eddie] Maeve,
what the fuck is going on?
Did you get the gift basket?
- Yes.
- Did you find the card?
- Yes.
- And the other thing?
Yep.
[Harry] Jan, somebody was
in the house, and they
took a video of you and a man.
What the fuck?
Come to the address
I just sent you.
Frankie wants to debrief,
face-to-face.
Mm-mm. No, sorry.
I have to be here.
[Jan] Let me tell you
what's happening here.
You've had someone following me,
they've seen me
with someone, and now
you want to know their name
so you can chop them up
into little pieces
and feed them to Conrad's dogs.
No, that's not
what's happening here.
You-you genuinely
have been set up.
[Donnie] Now get in your fucking
car and come back to London.
I mean, Donnie,
I can't fucking come.
There's a big powwow
at the house, everyone's here.
Can't just say
I've got theatre tickets
and fuck off back to town,
it does not work like that.
[eerie music ♪]
Jan, please, listen.
I'm being very serious.
[Jan]
No, you listen to me, Harry.
Remember your daughter, Gina?
Remember that note she left?
Well, I want you to know,
I 100% agree.
I wish I had killed the cunt.
[Maeve]
You're all set.
I didn't send you
all the way to Kenmare
to sit on your cracker,
ride Gina and pick your hole.
You've a job to do.
Now it's time to find out if
those balls are Harrigan balls.
Maeve, please. Listen.
I'm a bit in the dark here.
I mean, what the fuck is it
you want me to do?
Here is your quest, O prince.
Bring me the head
of the fucking Medusa.
[tense music ♪]
[Paul clears throat]
Paul, what are you doing
sneaking around?
You ought to be careful.
You might get shot
like your eejit nephew.
Message from Conrad.
You're, uh, needed
back at the house.
Is it from Conrad or Harry?
[ducks quacking]
[phone ringing]
[sniffles]
Donald.
[Donnie]
Sera just let it slip.
The Harrigans are all under one
roof in the Cotswolds tonight.
I'll call you back.
[phone buzzing]
[tense music ♪]
[Tattersall]
Seraphina told Donnie
there's a full house
in the Cotswolds.
[Frankie] So, how sure are we
she's kosher?
Well, we're-we're not.
But if she is,
that's the whole Brady Bunch
in a job lot.
We can win this war tonight.
Gather your troop, sunshine.
[Jordan]
Fly up to Edinburgh,
meeting with
the Scottish secretary
regarding whiskey
export tariffs.
3 p.m. Murrayfield,
Scotland versus U.S. game
with the first minister.
- What sport? Wait. No, no, no.
- [phone buzzes]
I don't really care.
Hey.
[Donnie]
Kat, you get my text?
Yeah, so all the eggs
are in one basket?
In the house, full effect,
one night only.
Tattersall spoke to Frankie.
We're set
for the Cotswolds tonight.
What you want to do?
Do it.
♪
[line ringing]
Hey, Jan. This is a surprise.
I've changed my mind.
I need to see you.
- [tense music ♪]
- [birds singing]
[indistinct radio chatter]
Seraphina. What a surprise.
Hello, Maeve.
Seraphina, Maeve.
If you're ready.
What for?
[Seraphina]
The sit, Maeve.
[gasps]
Oh.
Harry's Davos.
If we needed a babysitter,
we'd fucking ask for one.
Cunt.
I'll be a couple of minutes.
[inhales sharply]
Mm.
[audience member]
Is there an art to cooking
- the perfect sausage?
- [door closes]
- [chef] Great question.
- Kev.
Have you made up with Daddy?
- Mahogany brown pork sausage.
- Or not?
Everyone's here. Are you coming?
I can't miss an episode of this.
Bella, stop fucking around.
[audience member]
And why is that so important?
I'll be down when I'm ready.
Do you know what?
Stop here.
You're a fucking embarrassment.
[chef] Brown is the secret
to the flavor.
[vlogger] We are going to be
reviewing the SIG SP2022.
How do I look?
Like a tourist.
Come on, let's get out of here.
[Gina]
What's up with you?
- Nothing, I'm fine.
- [shopkeeper] Can I help you?
Hi. Can I have this
gift wrapped, please?
What brings you to Kenmare?
Our honeymoon.
My husband's actually
from around here.
He's Irish. Aren't you, Eddie?
My name's not Eddie.
It's Powell.
See you outside.
Harry.
[whispers]
Could I have a word, please?
Mum.
Don't "Mum" me,
you twicing cunt!
So, I was in
the stables earlier,
and I overheard Maeve
talking to Eddie on the phone.
She said, and I quote--
he's in Ireland, by the way.
- Ireland?
- Ireland. She said, and I quote,
"I didn't send you
and Gina--" your Gina--
"all the way to Kenmare
to pick your hole."
And then she said something else
that was quite concerning,
which is why I'm fucking
talking to you right now.
- So, what did she say?
- She said
Mm-hmm.
[suspenseful music ♪]
What did she say, Paul?
She said, "Bring me the head
of the fucking Medusa."
Fucking smirking bastard whore.
[sighs]
- [Seraphina] Bella.
- [Bella] Seraphina,
- looking good.
- [chuckles]
[Bella]
Fancy a drink?
Right, give me your weapon.
Come on.
[Conrad]
Is this what you're looking for?
Spare mag. Let's go.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
[Conrad]
So, who's the mark, then?
Seraphina?
Harry?
Or is it me?
Conrad Harrigan.
Now I know
you've finally lost it.
If you could think
for one minute
that I want to poison my tiger,
my babes, the love of my life?
I mean, sure, you're a mad bad
bastard with a head like a rock,
and sometimes I've wanted
your balls for baubles,
but honestly,
if you could think that I
that I would do such a thing,
you're a sick, sick man.
Hmm.
What's going on in
that head of yours?
- Mm?
- [chuckles]
- Let me take a look now.
- Mm
- See what I see.
- Hmm.
- Oh
- [laughs softly]
It's fine, there's
absolutely nothing there.
[both laugh]
[helicopter rotor spinning]
Oh
[suspenseful music ♪]
[dog barking in distance]
[Conrad]
What the fuck is that?
[Maeve] Looks like the cuckoo
has flown the nest.
♪
[indistinct chatter]
[exhales, sniffles]
♪
[exhales]
[chuckles]
Party.
Evening.
Pint of lager, please.
[Gina]
Two.
How old are you?
Nine.
You don't look a day over seven.
I get that a lot.
What's going on?
- What?
- You've been squirming all day.
And then catatonic.
You're a fucking zombie
with piles.
Keep your voice down.
[music playing indistinctly]
Why are we here, Eddie?
Evening, boys.
- Ive.
- How's it going, Ive boy?
- All right. How you doing?
- Good to see you.
- How'd the jumps treat you?
- [groaning]
Egregious.
- What?
- Yeah.
[Medusa]
There's not one fucking winner.
[barman] Well, you can't
win 'em all, Medusa.
- The usual, so?
- Yeah.
[Donnie] Actually,
my wife's away on business,
- so this is just perfect timing.
- [laughs softly]
When you've been
with someone 20 years,
you walk in a place,
you can tell straightaway.
The sofa
those coffee tables.
Trust me. You're not married.
[man]
When was this now?
[man #2]
Ah, so, this is five year back.
[Medusa] I mean,
the stable boy gives us a tip
that there's a horse
coming through from Dubai.
- I want to go, Eddie.
- We haven't finished.
We knew this old whore,
Moira McGee from Cloyne.
- [man] 60 years of age.
- [laughter]
But by Christ,
she'll have the handle off you.
- [laughter]
- [man #2] That's a good one.
That's a good eye, eh.
Oh, the least.
Listen to this, though
- Eddie, let's go.
- [Eddie] I haven't finished.
[Medusa]
A pint glass
of stone-cold
worthless pony spunk.
[laughter]
[man]
What did you do?
The only thing I could.
- Made the fucker drink it.
- [laughter]
Yeah. Then I took him
out the back
- and put a bullet in his head.
- Oh!
[barman]
Well, boys?
Another? Medusa?
[Medusa] No, no, no.
Time for my beauty sleep.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, lads, you should've seen
Drink up.
- Excuse me?
- You wanted to go? Let's go.
[distant chatter]
Eddie, where are we going?
Oh. For a drive.
There's this pub we used
to go to, just out of town.
Music, craic.
Come on. I'll show you.
- [coughing]
- [groaning]
[dark music ♪]
[indistinct chatter]
[suspenseful music ♪]
Listen, Gina, I've not been
entirely straight with you.
[Gina]
What do you mean, Eddie?
What's going on?
Firstly, and please
don't get angry,
I've never been here before.
What, as in, you've never
come here as a child?
No. Would you come back
if you had?
- We're here to do something.
- "We"?
That bloke in the car ahead.
His name is the Medusa.
I mean, it's not. I don't know
his fucking name, but
We're here to
You know.
No, Eddie. I don't fucking know.
What are we here to do?
[scoffs]
♪
- [grunting]
- [Gina] Whose idea was this?
- Gina--
- Tell me now.
Stop the car.
Stop the fucking car!
- Sleep well, Medusa.
- Good night.
[chuckles]
You're not gonna rob me tonight.
- See you tomorrow, then.
- [overlapping chatter]
[Medusa]
Night, lads.
- Gina.
- Fuck off.
- Gina, come back.
- You drag me out here
- to the middle of nowhere
- Keep your voice down.
lie to me,
put my fucking life in danger
for that mad old bitch
It's my family.
They're all I've got.
You have a choice here, Eddie.
You can come back
to London with me
or you can never see me again.
[panting]
I'm sorry.
- Fuck off.
- Gina
- I said fuck off!
- It's miles back to town.
[exhales]
[suspenseful music ♪]
♪
[Maeve]
So, Harry has deserted us,
and here we are,
home alone.
Who wants to go first?
[buzzes]
I know, I know,
it's fucking rude,
- but I just have to do this.
- Don't mind me.
[phone buzzes]
Excuse me.
[exhales]
[Donnie]
More wine?
Don't worry,
I won't get carried away.
Don't worry, I can handle it.
[line ringing]
[phone buzzing]
[phones buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
[Jan over phone]
Hi, it's Jan.
Leave a message.
Mum, it's me. I
I really need you
to pick up the fuck
[dead battery alert]
Fuck!
♪
[atmospheric music ♪]
[chuckles]
[Donnie]
I got to warn you,
I don't know anything
about wine.
- That makes two of us.
- [laughs softly]
Actually, you know,
I should, um
I should probably go.
Did I say something wrong?
No. No.
I'll call you.
[suspenseful music ♪]
[exhales]
[exhales]
[exhales sharply]
[Harry]
Zosh, it's me. Listen.
This motor I've lifted
is nearly out of juice.
Have you, have you got
Medusa's location yet?
[Zosia] I'm tracking you, H.
Go straight out of town
[breaking up] for nine
kilometers, then turn for
- Hello?
- Zosia?
Hello, Harry?
Zosia, are you there?
Fuck.
♪
♪
[Bella]
Harry's right.
This family needs to stop
turning on each other.
He's not always right,
and I wish he'd listened
to certain things I've said.
Certain oh, how can I put it?
Suggestions, offers,
which, despite my persistent
and valiant attempts,
he has steadfastly and doggedly
refused to entertain.
Bella
- Kevin, let me finish.
- [Maeve] Oh, let her speak.
This is getting to be
interesting. [chuckles]
♪
No. [grunts] No!
No.
[Medusa grunts]
[Bella]
I love my son very much.
If he can't be here
with his family--
his mad, fucked-up family--
and let's face it,
if I was looking
for a fucking family
to enter into the Eurovision
Fucked-Up Family Contest
But it's all he's got.
And you've got.
And you.
And you and me.
[dark music ♪]
[poker rasps against metal]
Who sent you?
Maeve Harrigan.
Well. That was easy.
[chuckles]
Did Maeve Harrigan tell you
why I'm called the Medusa?
- No.
- Well, I'm in concrete.
So, you double-cross me,
you end up in a bridge support
or a-a drainage chamber.
Now, I admit,
it's not a very accurate alias.
No, a better one would be, uh,
"Depraved, Deranged, Dangerously
Unsupervised Sadist."
[chuckles]
[Zosia]
Harry? Can you hear me?
It's about one kilometer
as the crow flies.
Well, I'm here
because Harry said it was
the right thing to do.
That the family
working together as one
is the only way
to beat Kat McAllister.
I trust Harry.
And I know you do,
'cause there's no way
on God's Earth
you'd ever ask me here.
You must need me for something.
This morning,
you walked in there,
and what did you do?
Mend fences?
No. You played
some fucking game,
like I'm not even there.
I asked you a question,
and all I wanted
was a fucking answer.
[suspenseful music ♪]
Okay, everyone,
we need to leave right now.
Hang on, you jumped-up nutsack.
Since when do you give orders?
Maeve, if there's ever a time
to fucking listen to me,
it's now!
You were right, Conrad.
- What?
- The antifreeze in the tonic
was for this one.
[whines]
- Jesus. What the f--
- Shit!
What the fuck?!
We're under attack.
Paulie, get the big bag.
[overlapping shouts]
[dogs barking outside]
- For you.
- What's going on?
[Conrad]
You know what to do.
[gunfire]
- [screaming]
- Maeve!
- Kev!
- [Conrad] Fucking whores!
- [whines]
- [barks]
Take off your slacks.
- What?
- Slacks off now.
I'll get my gun.
Fuck you.
And the coke.
I got you, Maeve!
Just stay behind me, all right?
Turn around.
Hands on the armrests.
And bend over.
Please.
Oh, no,
t-this is the easy way, kid.
Don't make me go
the hard road round.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Go, go, go!
Brace yourself.
I'm told this can
smart a little.
- [glass tapping]
- [Gina] Eddie! Get off him!
Fuck!
What the fuck is that?
- [metal clatters]
- [grunting]
Eddie, go!
No [grunts]
[man]
Over here, boys. Fuck.
- Over here!
- Don't you fucking touch me!
Well, boys, it looks like we've
got us some interlopers, huh?
[gunshots]
[Medusa groans]
[panting]
[panting]
["Emer's Dream" by
Colm Mac Con Iomaire playing ♪]
- [gunfire]
- [overlapping shouting]
[Seraphina]
Come on, hurry up!
- Go, go.
- [Conrad] Hurry up! Come on!
Get in, get in, get in!
[groaning]
Fuck!
♪
- Let's go!
- My dogs are back there!
♪
[helicopter whirring]
[imitates gunshot]
♪
- Did you look him in the eye?
- I did.
What did you see?
[laughs]
He's no clown.
[Gina] How has it taken you
this long to realize
Ireland is a different country?
When are you gonna tell me
what this is about?
You mean, what's the reason
for your quest?
[Harry] Kevin and Conrad are
on the brink of civil war.
This family is
in a death spiral.
Why was Finch
at the yard on his own?
[Harry] Kavanagh's taken
your knees out, mate.
Information runs this world,
and you're no longer
welcome to it.
Please. [shouts]
I know you love me,
but it's not enough.
Let me take you to lunch.
[Jan moaning]
[Jan]
You, Harry, are not enough.
Anyone calls you,
you call that number,
tell the person on the other end
exactly what was said,
- word for word.
- [Harry] You're in with Kat now.
[Harry] That's good for us.
We'll use that.
I am going up to town.
Bully for you. Why?
[Conrad]
Business.
You want a war, Cooper?
[grunting]
I'll give you a fucking war!
[atmospheric music ♪]
This JoJo. Is he a talker?
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
- Paul.
- [Paul] Hey, Harry.
Listen, we just hit Frankie now.
Took out four fucking
foot soldiers.
Where are you?
We're in the Cotswolds.
Also
there's something else.
♪
[men screaming in distance]
[pulsing music ♪]
[Paul]
Harry, Kevin.
Paul.
Where is he?
In the barns.
Thanks, Paul.
Morning.
["Starburster"
by Fontaines D.C. playing ♪]
It may feel bad ♪
It may feel bad ♪
I wanna see you alone,
I wanna sharp the stone ♪
I wanna bounce the bone,
I wanna mess with it ♪
I wanna lay the Deville,
the whole crew on the sill ♪
I want the preacher and pill,
I wanna bless with it ♪
I wanna head to a mass
and get cast in it ♪
That shit's funnier
than any A-class, innit?♪
I wanna talk with the clown
who has apologies down ♪
Pay him 300 pound
to take a class in it ♪
I wanna bite the phone,
I wanna bleed the tone ♪
I wanna see you alone,
alone, alone, lone ♪
I wanna strait the shark
and find me somewhere to park ♪
Like the light when it's dark,
it's dark, it's dark, dark ♪
A few stars about
make it feel like peace ♪
In a way,
a complimentary round ♪
Constellation got ♪
A twist in it for a GPO ♪
And all the hits in it ♪
I'm gonna hit your business ♪
If it's momentary blissness ♪
I'm gonna hit your business ♪
If it's momentary blissness ♪
I'm gonna hit your business ♪
If it's momentary blissness ♪
[Conrad humming]
As down the glen ♪
One Easter morn ♪
To a city fair ♪
Rode I ♪
There armed lines ♪
Of marching men ♪
In squadrons passed me by ♪
[eerie music ♪]
No pipe did hum ♪
No battle drum ♪
Its loud ♪
Tattoo ♪
But the Angelus bells ♪
O'er the Liffey's swells ♪
Rang out ♪
In the foggy dew ♪
[grunting]
[grunting stops]
[ragged exhale]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[pathologist]
Found this morning by a jogger.
Classic hangman's fracture.
C2, C3 dislocation,
snapped clean.
Show me the pictures.
Do you see many of these?
[pathologist] Two or three
a year in the forest.
Where's the knot, typically?
Round the back.
Or the side, left or right.
- Depending on?
- Which hand you favor.
Left side, right-handed.
Right side, left.
So you can pull it tight.
Like here, on the left.
Finch was left-handed.
If I'm Finch, I don't lie down
with the Harrigans
without a cast-iron
exit strategy.
That wasn't panic.
That was theatre.
[tense music ♪]
I saw you working
all night in the barn there.
- Did your man sing?
- [Conrad chuckles]
Like a fucking Spice Girl.
I know Frankie's hat size,
his shoe size and his cock size.
Intelligence. It's the key
component to any war.
And now Harry's here
to bring us all together.
Peace in our time,
hands across the divide.
Oh, who the fuck
does he think he is?
Bob fucking Geldof?
Harry knows his place.
He's a good soldier.
Don't forget
who the generals are
and who's the cannon fodder.
- Ah.
- And don't go getting all gooey
- over Kevin.
- Yeah.
He made you look like
a right cunt over that
Bazooka, K-Kabuki,
whatever his name was.
His name's fucking Gakbu.
Jan, it's me. Listen, um
I really need to talk to you.
Can you please
call me back urgently?
[phone buzzing]
- Zosh?
- [Zosia] Kavanagh,
- two blokes and a woman.
- [phone chimes]
Uh, Iqbal Khan, Michael Atkins.
No fucking idea.
Kavanagh, Khan, Atkins.
Can you get a name for the girl?
On it.
[door closes]
Bella. Welcome back.
You look awful.
[Bella] Thank you, Maeve.
I stole your stash.
[Maeve]
Harry.
Feed the world ♪
Let them know
it's Christmas time ♪
[chuckles]
Conrad tells me
you've organized a wee sit
for the warring factions.
That is so kind of you.
And how's your own family,
by the way?
You know, Gina and Jan?
Saved a little bit of fairy dust
for them, have you?
Where are they, by the way?
Are they here?
Are they hiding somewhere?
[chuckles]
- No, they're not here.
- [chuckles] Well,
let's hope they're safe.
And for the record,
this sit of yours?
My arse sits
when I fucking tell it to.
["Emer's Dream"
by Colm Mac Con Iomaire playing]
♪
[song continues over radio]
[radio announcer]
Good morning, Sneem.
Top of the morning to you.
What a track to wake up to.
- [knocking on door]
- It's coming up to eight
The weather, as always,
is changeable.
[grunts]
Hello?
[eerie music ♪]
Look at this big boy.
[Gina chuckles]
Who's it from?
Doesn't say.
- Croissants?
- Mm-hmm.
Now we need coffee.
I'm gonna have a shower,
get ready.
- Why don't you go and get some?
- Okay.
[suspenseful music ♪]
[water running]
[Conrad] Hang down
your head and cry ♪
Hang down your head,
Tom Dooley ♪
Poor man,
you're going to die ♪
[laughs]
Harry. [chuckles]
Welcome back.
Breaking news:
our friend Frankie's down
a whole stack of munchkins.
You should have
been there, Harry.
You should've seen
the look on Paul's face.
The poor fucker thought
we were stopping for chips.
Yeah, Paul filled us in
on the basics.
He said it was, um
somewhat impromptu.
Strike hard, circle the wagons.
[chuckles]
Sharpen the cutlass.
Bluff the bunderbluss.
Did you clock choppers
out there on the lawn?
If that doesn't make your tassel
go straight, nothing will.
I looked out the window
and I thought,
"Jesus, I'm in the Alamo."
The man in the barn
JoJo. Working for Frankie
since he was 14.
Staunch.
Loyal. Tickle his tum
and he spilled the lot.
He's dead.
He's what?
He's dead.
Oh, the fucker.
- Silly ponce.
- Mm.
And we was just getting
acquainted. [scoffs]
Do you know what happened
at the Alamo?
[laughs]
Kevin. I didn't
see you there, my boy.
It's so grand to have you
back in the house.
My house. [chuckles]
All that stuff that got said,
it's all just water
under the bridge now.
Water under the bridge.
Let's shake hands
and go up the lane, now,
shall we?
Yeah, yeah,
we'll get to all that.
[tense music ♪]
Okay, um, just to lend
some perspective here,
w-we are all aware
of what's going on, yeah?
And we also know that there is
a lot at stake, so
to that end, I'm not sure
the best place to start
is with a pissing contest
about the fucking Alamo.
The Alamo was an ambush
in which a small band of Texans
were completely wiped out
by the Mexican Army.
Now I suggest we just get
our cocks out and we'll see
- which one's the biggest.
- [Conrad laughs]
Oh, yeah, that's good.
Shall we do that Kevin, now?
Shall I go first? Hmm?
Or shall we ask Bella?
I'm sorry, Conrad.
Gonna have to think of something
a bit better than that.
Well, now, it's a wondrous thing
you've done, Harry.
Yep. When everyone's gathered,
we'll, uh,
we'll light the fire,
open a bottle
and let the healing begin.
[chuckles]
Yeah, tell me now,
is Brendan here? Hmm?
[Kevin]
Brendan?
Brendan's dead.
[tense music ♪]
[high-pitched ringing]
You think I don't know that?
You think I don't know
my son is in the ground?
I meant Eddie.
My other son.
Ah.
Well, he's not coming, either.
Came round, got his passport
and he's fucked off abroad.
Huh.
[grunts softly]
- Maeve!
- Where's Eddie gone?
I don't know.
Maeve!
Conrad,
she's over at the stables.
Well, don't just stand there,
you great goggle-eyed cunt!
Fetch her.
You all right?
Yeah, Donnie's called me
seven times.
What's happened?
Let's go for a walk.
When you do
get in contact, yeah?
This is your party line.
You've been with Conrad
all morning,
Conrad got very excited
and told you all about
his lovely attack.
- What attack?
- Him and Paul had a foray
into Frankie's backyard
last night, all right?
- He's told you about JoJo--
- Who the fuck is JoJo?
Well, okay. Conrad snatched him
and then brought him here
in his boot, but sadly,
- he's bled to death on the way.
- [phone ringing]
- Oh, fuck, it's him.
- Listen, do you understand?
Yes, I've got it.
Do not mention the name JoJo,
because we do not know it yet.
Yep, don't mention JoJo.
[softly]
Okay.
- Donnie.
- Where the fuck you been?
I called ten fucking times.
So first of all, good morning.
Second,
stop shouting at me, prick,
or this whole thing is over.
Do you know what happened
last night?
Of course I know what happened.
Okay? I've been with Dad
all morning.
- [Harry] Jan.
- You've got one minute.
Okay, Jan, um
Listen, something has happened,
and I feel uncomfortable
bringing it up
due to the fact
that it's actually very
sensitive and unpleasant,
but I'm, uh,
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to.
Where are you?
Cotswolds.
[sighs]
Course you are.
How goeth thine quest?
[Eddie] Maeve,
what the fuck is going on?
Did you get the gift basket?
- Yes.
- Did you find the card?
- Yes.
- And the other thing?
Yep.
[Harry] Jan, somebody was
in the house, and they
took a video of you and a man.
What the fuck?
Come to the address
I just sent you.
Frankie wants to debrief,
face-to-face.
Mm-mm. No, sorry.
I have to be here.
[Jan] Let me tell you
what's happening here.
You've had someone following me,
they've seen me
with someone, and now
you want to know their name
so you can chop them up
into little pieces
and feed them to Conrad's dogs.
No, that's not
what's happening here.
You-you genuinely
have been set up.
[Donnie] Now get in your fucking
car and come back to London.
I mean, Donnie,
I can't fucking come.
There's a big powwow
at the house, everyone's here.
Can't just say
I've got theatre tickets
and fuck off back to town,
it does not work like that.
[eerie music ♪]
Jan, please, listen.
I'm being very serious.
[Jan]
No, you listen to me, Harry.
Remember your daughter, Gina?
Remember that note she left?
Well, I want you to know,
I 100% agree.
I wish I had killed the cunt.
[Maeve]
You're all set.
I didn't send you
all the way to Kenmare
to sit on your cracker,
ride Gina and pick your hole.
You've a job to do.
Now it's time to find out if
those balls are Harrigan balls.
Maeve, please. Listen.
I'm a bit in the dark here.
I mean, what the fuck is it
you want me to do?
Here is your quest, O prince.
Bring me the head
of the fucking Medusa.
[tense music ♪]
[Paul clears throat]
Paul, what are you doing
sneaking around?
You ought to be careful.
You might get shot
like your eejit nephew.
Message from Conrad.
You're, uh, needed
back at the house.
Is it from Conrad or Harry?
[ducks quacking]
[phone ringing]
[sniffles]
Donald.
[Donnie]
Sera just let it slip.
The Harrigans are all under one
roof in the Cotswolds tonight.
I'll call you back.
[phone buzzing]
[tense music ♪]
[Tattersall]
Seraphina told Donnie
there's a full house
in the Cotswolds.
[Frankie] So, how sure are we
she's kosher?
Well, we're-we're not.
But if she is,
that's the whole Brady Bunch
in a job lot.
We can win this war tonight.
Gather your troop, sunshine.
[Jordan]
Fly up to Edinburgh,
meeting with
the Scottish secretary
regarding whiskey
export tariffs.
3 p.m. Murrayfield,
Scotland versus U.S. game
with the first minister.
- What sport? Wait. No, no, no.
- [phone buzzes]
I don't really care.
Hey.
[Donnie]
Kat, you get my text?
Yeah, so all the eggs
are in one basket?
In the house, full effect,
one night only.
Tattersall spoke to Frankie.
We're set
for the Cotswolds tonight.
What you want to do?
Do it.
♪
[line ringing]
Hey, Jan. This is a surprise.
I've changed my mind.
I need to see you.
- [tense music ♪]
- [birds singing]
[indistinct radio chatter]
Seraphina. What a surprise.
Hello, Maeve.
Seraphina, Maeve.
If you're ready.
What for?
[Seraphina]
The sit, Maeve.
[gasps]
Oh.
Harry's Davos.
If we needed a babysitter,
we'd fucking ask for one.
Cunt.
I'll be a couple of minutes.
[inhales sharply]
Mm.
[audience member]
Is there an art to cooking
- the perfect sausage?
- [door closes]
- [chef] Great question.
- Kev.
Have you made up with Daddy?
- Mahogany brown pork sausage.
- Or not?
Everyone's here. Are you coming?
I can't miss an episode of this.
Bella, stop fucking around.
[audience member]
And why is that so important?
I'll be down when I'm ready.
Do you know what?
Stop here.
You're a fucking embarrassment.
[chef] Brown is the secret
to the flavor.
[vlogger] We are going to be
reviewing the SIG SP2022.
How do I look?
Like a tourist.
Come on, let's get out of here.
[Gina]
What's up with you?
- Nothing, I'm fine.
- [shopkeeper] Can I help you?
Hi. Can I have this
gift wrapped, please?
What brings you to Kenmare?
Our honeymoon.
My husband's actually
from around here.
He's Irish. Aren't you, Eddie?
My name's not Eddie.
It's Powell.
See you outside.
Harry.
[whispers]
Could I have a word, please?
Mum.
Don't "Mum" me,
you twicing cunt!
So, I was in
the stables earlier,
and I overheard Maeve
talking to Eddie on the phone.
She said, and I quote--
he's in Ireland, by the way.
- Ireland?
- Ireland. She said, and I quote,
"I didn't send you
and Gina--" your Gina--
"all the way to Kenmare
to pick your hole."
And then she said something else
that was quite concerning,
which is why I'm fucking
talking to you right now.
- So, what did she say?
- She said
Mm-hmm.
[suspenseful music ♪]
What did she say, Paul?
She said, "Bring me the head
of the fucking Medusa."
Fucking smirking bastard whore.
[sighs]
- [Seraphina] Bella.
- [Bella] Seraphina,
- looking good.
- [chuckles]
[Bella]
Fancy a drink?
Right, give me your weapon.
Come on.
[Conrad]
Is this what you're looking for?
Spare mag. Let's go.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
[Conrad]
So, who's the mark, then?
Seraphina?
Harry?
Or is it me?
Conrad Harrigan.
Now I know
you've finally lost it.
If you could think
for one minute
that I want to poison my tiger,
my babes, the love of my life?
I mean, sure, you're a mad bad
bastard with a head like a rock,
and sometimes I've wanted
your balls for baubles,
but honestly,
if you could think that I
that I would do such a thing,
you're a sick, sick man.
Hmm.
What's going on in
that head of yours?
- Mm?
- [chuckles]
- Let me take a look now.
- Mm
- See what I see.
- Hmm.
- Oh
- [laughs softly]
It's fine, there's
absolutely nothing there.
[both laugh]
[helicopter rotor spinning]
Oh
[suspenseful music ♪]
[dog barking in distance]
[Conrad]
What the fuck is that?
[Maeve] Looks like the cuckoo
has flown the nest.
♪
[indistinct chatter]
[exhales, sniffles]
♪
[exhales]
[chuckles]
Party.
Evening.
Pint of lager, please.
[Gina]
Two.
How old are you?
Nine.
You don't look a day over seven.
I get that a lot.
What's going on?
- What?
- You've been squirming all day.
And then catatonic.
You're a fucking zombie
with piles.
Keep your voice down.
[music playing indistinctly]
Why are we here, Eddie?
Evening, boys.
- Ive.
- How's it going, Ive boy?
- All right. How you doing?
- Good to see you.
- How'd the jumps treat you?
- [groaning]
Egregious.
- What?
- Yeah.
[Medusa]
There's not one fucking winner.
[barman] Well, you can't
win 'em all, Medusa.
- The usual, so?
- Yeah.
[Donnie] Actually,
my wife's away on business,
- so this is just perfect timing.
- [laughs softly]
When you've been
with someone 20 years,
you walk in a place,
you can tell straightaway.
The sofa
those coffee tables.
Trust me. You're not married.
[man]
When was this now?
[man #2]
Ah, so, this is five year back.
[Medusa] I mean,
the stable boy gives us a tip
that there's a horse
coming through from Dubai.
- I want to go, Eddie.
- We haven't finished.
We knew this old whore,
Moira McGee from Cloyne.
- [man] 60 years of age.
- [laughter]
But by Christ,
she'll have the handle off you.
- [laughter]
- [man #2] That's a good one.
That's a good eye, eh.
Oh, the least.
Listen to this, though
- Eddie, let's go.
- [Eddie] I haven't finished.
[Medusa]
A pint glass
of stone-cold
worthless pony spunk.
[laughter]
[man]
What did you do?
The only thing I could.
- Made the fucker drink it.
- [laughter]
Yeah. Then I took him
out the back
- and put a bullet in his head.
- Oh!
[barman]
Well, boys?
Another? Medusa?
[Medusa] No, no, no.
Time for my beauty sleep.
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, lads, you should've seen
Drink up.
- Excuse me?
- You wanted to go? Let's go.
[distant chatter]
Eddie, where are we going?
Oh. For a drive.
There's this pub we used
to go to, just out of town.
Music, craic.
Come on. I'll show you.
- [coughing]
- [groaning]
[dark music ♪]
[indistinct chatter]
[suspenseful music ♪]
Listen, Gina, I've not been
entirely straight with you.
[Gina]
What do you mean, Eddie?
What's going on?
Firstly, and please
don't get angry,
I've never been here before.
What, as in, you've never
come here as a child?
No. Would you come back
if you had?
- We're here to do something.
- "We"?
That bloke in the car ahead.
His name is the Medusa.
I mean, it's not. I don't know
his fucking name, but
We're here to
You know.
No, Eddie. I don't fucking know.
What are we here to do?
[scoffs]
♪
- [grunting]
- [Gina] Whose idea was this?
- Gina--
- Tell me now.
Stop the car.
Stop the fucking car!
- Sleep well, Medusa.
- Good night.
[chuckles]
You're not gonna rob me tonight.
- See you tomorrow, then.
- [overlapping chatter]
[Medusa]
Night, lads.
- Gina.
- Fuck off.
- Gina, come back.
- You drag me out here
- to the middle of nowhere
- Keep your voice down.
lie to me,
put my fucking life in danger
for that mad old bitch
It's my family.
They're all I've got.
You have a choice here, Eddie.
You can come back
to London with me
or you can never see me again.
[panting]
I'm sorry.
- Fuck off.
- Gina
- I said fuck off!
- It's miles back to town.
[exhales]
[suspenseful music ♪]
♪
[Maeve]
So, Harry has deserted us,
and here we are,
home alone.
Who wants to go first?
[buzzes]
I know, I know,
it's fucking rude,
- but I just have to do this.
- Don't mind me.
[phone buzzes]
Excuse me.
[exhales]
[Donnie]
More wine?
Don't worry,
I won't get carried away.
Don't worry, I can handle it.
[line ringing]
[phone buzzing]
[phones buzzing]
[phone buzzing]
[Jan over phone]
Hi, it's Jan.
Leave a message.
Mum, it's me. I
I really need you
to pick up the fuck
[dead battery alert]
Fuck!
♪
[atmospheric music ♪]
[chuckles]
[Donnie]
I got to warn you,
I don't know anything
about wine.
- That makes two of us.
- [laughs softly]
Actually, you know,
I should, um
I should probably go.
Did I say something wrong?
No. No.
I'll call you.
[suspenseful music ♪]
[exhales]
[exhales]
[exhales sharply]
[Harry]
Zosh, it's me. Listen.
This motor I've lifted
is nearly out of juice.
Have you, have you got
Medusa's location yet?
[Zosia] I'm tracking you, H.
Go straight out of town
[breaking up] for nine
kilometers, then turn for
- Hello?
- Zosia?
Hello, Harry?
Zosia, are you there?
Fuck.
♪
♪
[Bella]
Harry's right.
This family needs to stop
turning on each other.
He's not always right,
and I wish he'd listened
to certain things I've said.
Certain oh, how can I put it?
Suggestions, offers,
which, despite my persistent
and valiant attempts,
he has steadfastly and doggedly
refused to entertain.
Bella
- Kevin, let me finish.
- [Maeve] Oh, let her speak.
This is getting to be
interesting. [chuckles]
♪
No. [grunts] No!
No.
[Medusa grunts]
[Bella]
I love my son very much.
If he can't be here
with his family--
his mad, fucked-up family--
and let's face it,
if I was looking
for a fucking family
to enter into the Eurovision
Fucked-Up Family Contest
But it's all he's got.
And you've got.
And you.
And you and me.
[dark music ♪]
[poker rasps against metal]
Who sent you?
Maeve Harrigan.
Well. That was easy.
[chuckles]
Did Maeve Harrigan tell you
why I'm called the Medusa?
- No.
- Well, I'm in concrete.
So, you double-cross me,
you end up in a bridge support
or a-a drainage chamber.
Now, I admit,
it's not a very accurate alias.
No, a better one would be, uh,
"Depraved, Deranged, Dangerously
Unsupervised Sadist."
[chuckles]
[Zosia]
Harry? Can you hear me?
It's about one kilometer
as the crow flies.
Well, I'm here
because Harry said it was
the right thing to do.
That the family
working together as one
is the only way
to beat Kat McAllister.
I trust Harry.
And I know you do,
'cause there's no way
on God's Earth
you'd ever ask me here.
You must need me for something.
This morning,
you walked in there,
and what did you do?
Mend fences?
No. You played
some fucking game,
like I'm not even there.
I asked you a question,
and all I wanted
was a fucking answer.
[suspenseful music ♪]
Okay, everyone,
we need to leave right now.
Hang on, you jumped-up nutsack.
Since when do you give orders?
Maeve, if there's ever a time
to fucking listen to me,
it's now!
You were right, Conrad.
- What?
- The antifreeze in the tonic
was for this one.
[whines]
- Jesus. What the f--
- Shit!
What the fuck?!
We're under attack.
Paulie, get the big bag.
[overlapping shouts]
[dogs barking outside]
- For you.
- What's going on?
[Conrad]
You know what to do.
[gunfire]
- [screaming]
- Maeve!
- Kev!
- [Conrad] Fucking whores!
- [whines]
- [barks]
Take off your slacks.
- What?
- Slacks off now.
I'll get my gun.
Fuck you.
And the coke.
I got you, Maeve!
Just stay behind me, all right?
Turn around.
Hands on the armrests.
And bend over.
Please.
Oh, no,
t-this is the easy way, kid.
Don't make me go
the hard road round.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Go, go, go!
Brace yourself.
I'm told this can
smart a little.
- [glass tapping]
- [Gina] Eddie! Get off him!
Fuck!
What the fuck is that?
- [metal clatters]
- [grunting]
Eddie, go!
No [grunts]
[man]
Over here, boys. Fuck.
- Over here!
- Don't you fucking touch me!
Well, boys, it looks like we've
got us some interlopers, huh?
[gunshots]
[Medusa groans]
[panting]
[panting]
["Emer's Dream" by
Colm Mac Con Iomaire playing ♪]
- [gunfire]
- [overlapping shouting]
[Seraphina]
Come on, hurry up!
- Go, go.
- [Conrad] Hurry up! Come on!
Get in, get in, get in!
[groaning]
Fuck!
♪
- Let's go!
- My dogs are back there!
♪
[helicopter whirring]
[imitates gunshot]
♪