Nobody Wants This (2024) s02e05 Episode Script

1
Got that real big energy ♪
- Got that real big energy ♪
- Hey, when you gonna stop playing? ♪
Bad chick, I could be your fantasy ♪
I can tell you got big, big energy ♪
Ain't too many of 'em
That can handle me ♪
But I might let you try it
After Hennessy ♪
Make 'em sing to this thing
Like a melody ♪
And if your girl ain't right
I got the remedy ♪
Ain't too many of 'em
That can handle me ♪
Bad chick, I could ♪
I mean, are we just, like,
not gonna talk about this?
Talk about what?
You got bangs.
Like, what happened?
That's, like, a major life transition.
I think I feel good about them.
Should I Should I not?
No, honey. No, they're great.
- They're great.
- Okay. Great. Okay.
- [Sasha] Amazing. I love 'em.
- I just meant
It's like, what's behind the curtain,
you know?
It's just Shh.
A sexy little secret. Yeah.
- [Esther] Don't touch 'em.
- Okay.
I, too, actually have
a sexy little secret.
Uh, I didn't get bangs, but today,
I got my first rabbi gig post-Temple Chai.
[both gasp]
- Oh shit!
- [Esther] Mazel tov, Noah!
It's a brit bat, uh, aka a baby-naming.
That's so cute.
You're like a concierge rabbi.
Very chic. Is it like a Jewish baptism?
Uh, it's a ritual where Jewish parents
reveal the name of their child
and its significance.
Can I come?
Are girlfriends of the rabbi allowed?
You wanna come?
Yeah. For one, I'd like to see you cute
and in charge, and number two,
I'm on a mission to learn more about
Judaism, in case you haven't noticed.
Yeah. Let me talk to the family,
but I love it.
- [Joanne] Great!
- Wait, Noah.
Wait, Noah, who is the family?
Uh, this couple the Litmans know,
Abby and Gabe Kaplan.
Abby Loves Smoothies, Abby Kaplan?
I I Maybe. Do you know her?
I went to middle school with her.
- I'm obsessed with how much I hate her.
- [chuckles]
Well, I mean, she's an influencer,
so she's always, like,
"I'm here at my kid's birthday party,"
or, "Look at my house,"
or, "I love my husband."
So she loves her family.
Like, too much.
But the real reason I hate her is because,
when we were in middle school,
we had a sleepover, and she tried
to get everyone to go to bed early.
I was, like, "No,"
so while we were watching a movie,
she snuck upstairs and cut the hair
of my Felicity American Girl doll.
- Whoa.
- That's it?
She should be in jail.
- And she denied it.
- Oh.
- [Sasha] Is that her?
- Yep.
Oh God, these sconces are beautiful.
Listen, uh, if you hate her,
I don't think you should come
just 'cause I need
to make a great impression.
No, I'll be fine. I'll be nice. I promise.
Yes, Felicity-gate was, like,
a million years ago,
and this is your first job
outside the temple.
I really wanna support you.
Okay?
- Really?
- [Joanne] Yeah, really.
And if I get to judge her home decor
in the process, so be it, you know?
[upbeat music plays]
- Excuse me? Can I--
- [bartender] Hold on, one second.
- One second, lady.
- Been waiting here for, like, an hour.
[music fades]
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, why?
Well, you got bangs.
You have to be at least a little unstable.
[sighs] Fine. Okay.
- But just don't say anything to Noah.
- I won't.
Oh God. I think I might be pregnant.
Oh my God. Wow. Oh.
- I didn't even know you guys were trying.
- Oh, no, we're not. I mean, Sasha is.
I just thought we were done after Miri.
She's still my little baby.
My baby with an attitude problem.
But now Sasha's all excited
about having another one,
and I'm, like, I don't even I don't know.
[sighs] When was the last time
you had bangs?
2004. I was dating a guy
who said he liked my strong forehead.
Okay. That's like calling
a bikini pic brave. Mm-mm.
Gin and tonic?
Um, are you sure?
Oh my God.
[upbeat music plays]
Hey. What are you doing?
Stalking Abby Loves Smoothies'
many maternity shoots.
- [music fades]
- Is it safe to be pregnant on a horse?
Wait, are you talking about
Abby fucking Kaplan? God, why?
Noah's taking me to name her baby.
It's like a rabbi thing.
Name it something dumb. I'm still pissed
Mom blamed me for cutting Felicity's hair.
Why didn't she just apologize for that?
Maybe we still could have been friends.
Now she's posing in a field, pregnant.
Mm.
Is there a flower crown?
- There's obviously a flower crown.
- Yeah.
Noah will make such a good dad.
He'd be, like, one of those guys
who puts their kids on their shoulders
to watch the fireworks.
Ugh. I can never see over those people.
Have you talked about the kid thing yet?
We both want them.
He even used the words
"our kids" on Valentine's Day.
Right, but has he actually
talked about it with you?
Because, like,
these would be rabbi's kids.
What's that like, you know? No bacon,
no Santa. Like, praying for fun? [scoffs]
Well, we haven't gotten that far.
Oh my God, no Santa?
- Mm-hmm.
- [Joanne] I didn't think about that.
I guess the kids and I
will have to live with you every December.
No. No, I don't like kids.
[jaunty music plays]
[music fades]
Okay, run me through
the quick highlights of this thing?
- What do you wanna know?
- Anything. I'm baby-naming curious.
Okay.
Well, as Ashkenazi Jews, we traditionally
name a baby after a relative who's died.
Oh. Wait, you can't choose
your own baby name?
No, no, no, you can.
There are just some parameters involved.
For instance, uh,
my deda's name was Alexander,
so I always planned on naming
my future child Alexander.
But I could also choose a name
that starts with an A.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, obviously,
light and love to Alexander.
Um, in theory,
I'm not really into honoring people.
Like, I never even met your grandpa.
Oh wow, look at that.
This whole thing is not my vibe.
I can, like, smell the candles
from out here.
We don't like candles?
No, it's not just the candles, Noah.
It's, like, the house,
the boring, expensive furniture,
the going to children's birthday parties
all weekend.
I just don't want any of this.
Any of this?
[jaunty music plays]
Or any of this?
[scoffs] Come on.
Stop. [laughs]
- [woman 1] Hi.
- Hey.
- I'm glad you're here.
- Me too.
- [woman 2] Joanne?
- [gasps]
[squeals]
Abby Kaplan!
- Oh, hi.
- Come here. Oh, JoJo!
Oh, come here. Don't let go.
Good to see you. [sighs]
Welcome to Tarzana.
Hi, Rabbi Roklov.
So nice to finally meet you.
Hi. Yeah, you too. I can't believe
that Joanne is your girlfriend.
We were, like, total LYLAS in sixth grade.
- Crazy, right?
- LY
Love You Like A Sister.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- [Noah] Hey.
- Oh my God.
You should text Morgan. Tell her to come.
I don't know why we stopped hanging out.
- Really? You don't remember?
- No.
It was, like,
a million years ago, forever.
But it's so fun you're here now.
Ooh.
Do you mind taking off your heels?
Just for the floors.
Oh, I would, but they really
complete my outfit, so [chuckles]
Sorry.
Um [clears throat]
- Take the heels off.
- What? You're
Well, she's wearing heels.
You're wearing heels.
These are my house wedges.
I've never worn them outside.
If you don't mind.
- Yeah.
- [Abby] Sorry.
No, absolutely.
- No problem. Of course.
- She doesn't mind.
- No, I'm good.
- I hate to ask.
It's not a big deal.
Oh my God. Oh, cute socks!
I forgot how short you are!
Just like the sixth grade. Cute.
- Oh.
- [Abby chuckles]
So where's the rest of your family?
Oh. Gabe? Gabe?
- [Gabe] Yep.
- [Abby] Get over here, babe!
- This is my husband, Gabe.
- Hi. Rabbi Roklov.
- Hi. Joanne.
- Nice to meet you.
And who is this?
This is our three-year-old, Jesse Charles.
- [Gabe] Yeah.
- [Abby] Say, "Hi."
- [Gabe] Can you say, "Hi"?
- [Abby] Can you say, "Hi, Rabbi?"
You know, he caught the tail end
of Apocalypse Now with me last night.
- I think he's just a little bit rattled.
- We won't do that again.
And today's little star
is upstairs napping, so
- Yes.
- Baby Afternoon.
And what's her name?
Afternoon.
That's not a
That's is my favorite time of day.
That's great.
That is absolutely
because you've just had lunch,
or you can either take a nap
or get your work done.
The day is sort of yours.
- Lovely name.
- [Gabe] Thank you.
I wish I could take credit,
but that's all this one.
Perfect. Wow.
Her naming style is whimsical, cozy.
Yeah. And we wanted to go with
an A name for my grandma, Aliza.
You know.
Yeah, I'm Well, I'm starting to.
We'll be right back.
- Okay.
- Gonna get something to eat.
Enjoy the spread!
There's a lot of treats. There's, uh
- Do you like meringues?
- [Joanne] Yeah.
- [Noah] Absolutely.
- [Gabe] There's a ton.
All right. Let's go, buddy.
I should've studied harder for
the ceremony. Didn't know they had a son.
You know what? She gets to wear heels.
I'm walking around in mismatched socks.
The whole power dynamic is off, Noah.
- What happened to LYLAS?
- Fuck LYLAS.
Does this house look smaller in person?
Listen. I know you're upset
about the Barbie doll.
- [groans] Felicity was an American Girl.
- I understand.
Okay? And sure, she wasn't
one of the original three,
and I wasn't really even into her,
like, wartime energy,
but she was spunky,
and she was mine, Noah.
Understood.
I really need today to go well.
[sighs]
[gentle music plays]
Okay. I'm sorry.
- I got you.
- Thank you.
Rabbi, I want you to meet my zeyde.
[Noah] Great. Great.
Okay. Thank you.
I usually know the entire family at these.
I've been at their weddings and funerals.
It's weird not having a congregation.
Hey. It's gonna be great.
You're gonna be great.
None of us even deserve you.
- Lovely to meet you. I'm Rabbi Roklov.
- [man] How are you?
[Noah] What a pleasure.
Congratulations on the big day.
- I just met your grandson.
- [sighs]
[music fades]
- [cell phone rings]
- Oh.
[clears throat] What?
Hey, Holistic Mamas.
Wait. What are you eating?
It's actually so cute. So Dr. Andy
remembers all the snacks that I love,
and he, like,
hides them for me to find later.
I need you to focus right now
because I am in
Abby Loves Smoothies' bathroom.
- [groans] Incredible lighting. It's just
- [Joanne] I know.
And I met her husband,
and I have questions.
[Morgan] Mm, gay.
Weirdly, no.
But I keep trying
to figure out if he's, like,
one of those Instagram husbands
who's been trained to take good pictures
and is really proud of them,
or if he's dying inside and he hates her.
Oh, no. He is fully dead.
- Those photos aren't even good.
- What are you doing right now?
Abby told me to invite you.
Oh my God. No fucking way.
Mom grounded me for a month
for her bullshit.
She still says she has no idea
why we stopped hanging out.
She won't admit it.
- She literally said that?
- [Joanne] Uh-huh.
You know what? Text me her address, okay?
Only a bitch messes with hair. Let's go.
[funky music plays]
[Esther exhales] Here we go.
[music fades]
Hi. You know, I would love to hear
some more about your grandmother, Aliza,
and some of her great qualities
you'd like to bless your baby with today.
Do you mind if I shoot
some pre-ceremony content?
- Oh, yeah. Sure. Of course.
- Okay. Come here.
And we're live.
Hi, guys. This is Rabbi Roklov.
Isn't he cute?
Okay, so today
we're at baby Afternoon's naming ceremony,
and she's so excited and a little nervous.
I'm kidding. She's a baby.
So a lot of you have been asking
what dress we went with for the ceremony,
and I have to say
I'm pretty surprised by the poll I posted.
73% of you said the green dress.
Bleurgh! [laughs]
Boo! [chuckles]
Bye!
Amazing. Do you mind taking my photo?
Sure. Is there one sweet memory
you have of your grandma
that you're reminded of today?
I don't know.
She had a secret girlfriend.
Can you do sideways?
Sure, sure, sure.
- Turn it.
- Oh, duh. I'm sorry.
- [Abby] Gabe!
- Yeah?
[Abby] Come over here! We're shooting!
[Gabe] Coming in hot. Here I come.
- [chuckles] This is Gabe, remember?
- Yes, of course.
Got it.
- I can tell this isn't working.
- [Noah] I thought it was good.
No. It's no good.
It was just the angling down
didn't happen, but that's okay.
- No, I feel--
- Thank you so much.
- You tried. It's great!
- Your best.
They're good.
- Better light here.
- [Gabe] Didn't know.
[Noah] Hey.
Cute photo shoot.
She's pretty. I'll give her that.
[scoffs] Not my type.
[funky music plays]
- Hey.
- You really invited her?
Abby told me to.
- [Noah sighs]
- [Morgan] Hi. Shalom.
[chuckles] Well, this is
a sick birthday party.
Oh man. Okay.
The ceremony's about to start.
Please be good.
- [music stops]
- Yes, Dad.
We will. We promise.
- Bye.
- [Noah] Thank you, thank you.
Okay. Where's the smoothie fucker?
Making content, I'm sure. Outside.
Oh my God. Shit. She's so hot.
I thought that was a filter.
[sighs]
- That's depressing.
- Yeah.
This isn't gonna be fun anymore.
[funky music plays]
Meh. No, no, no.
Ugh.
Morgan, you can't do that.
What? They're too soft.
Morgan?
- [music fades]
- Oh, what's up?
Hi.
I just had to stop by to celebrate
your little nugget when Joanne told me.
Wow, that is just so sweet.
Thank you for coming.
I'm really glad you're here and that
we are getting a chance to catch up.
I I missed you guys.
We used to be so close until
I don't even remember when.
- Mm.
- Sixth grade. June 23rd.
My end-of-year party.
Wow. That is oddly specific. [chuckles]
But yeah, maybe sometime around then.
Come on. I mean, now that we're adults,
you can admit it. You know, it's funny.
You're the one who cut off
Felicity's hair, right?
Felicity?
What I Was she in our grade?
She's a plucky little redhead who survived
the goddamn Revolutionary War.
I have no idea
what you guys are talking about.
- Oh my God.
- Okay.
Um, I was trying to be nice,
but it's starting to be unhinged
that you won't actually just admit
that it was you.
My American Girl doll?
Okay. [laughs awkwardly]
You guys are funny. Enjoy the grapes.
[Morgan] Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- God, she's still such a fucking liar.
- [sighs]
- We should go and cut off her baby's hair.
Yeah. I bet she wouldn't
post that on Instagram.
I swiped up,
and I bought her smoothie powder,
and I swear it gave me bed bugs
the next day.
- Mm.
- Coincidence?
Maybe yes, maybe no. You tell me.
It's yes, for sure, 'cause I keep telling
you to wash your sheets more often.
[knocking on door]
Hey, honey? I promise
I'm not trying to do bathroom talk,
but you've been in there for a while.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Good. Yeah, co
Yeah, I'm good. Come in.
[door opens]
[Sasha] Hey.
I am not pregnant.
Oh.
Don't we do the testing part together?
You did it without me.
Yeah, sorry. Sorry.
Oh.
Yeah, babe, I don't wanna keep trying.
Like, right now, or
ever?
Ever.
[gentle music plays]
[exhales slowly]
[Sasha] Well, shit.
What are you? Are Right now, are you sad?
Are you disappointed?
Are you angry? Are there
I think maybe
I'm all of those things, and
maybe a little bit shocked,
but I can adjust.
So what do we do now?
[Esther mumbles]
Just, like, live?
Live, okay.
No, I can do that.
[music fades]
I can't believe I got fucking bangs.
You put me in a real tough spot,
having to say they look great.
[intriguing music plays]
[speaks Hebrew]
- Amen.
- Amen.
Today, Abby and Abe are--
- Gabe.
- With a "guh.'
Gabe. Of course. Sorry.
I don't like to mess up as a rabbi.
Thank goodness it wasn't a bris.
[laughter]
Um, Gabe.
[chuckling]
Abby and Gabe
have chosen the name Afternoon
and Aliza as their daughter's Hebrew name.
[snack crackles]
In Hebrew, the name Aliza means joyful,
so that is my hope for Afternoon,
and for all of us.
Is to bravely seek out joy,
even when it's hard.
Even when it feels like
there's no obvious solution.
Because so many miracles had to happen
for these two people to find each other
and decide to make a family.
[gentle music plays]
Giving her the name Aliza
is to hope for her to enjoy life.
And how simple is that?
Because if we can find joy in the mundane,
in the imperfect,
then we live our lives as if we're lucky,
regardless of what luck comes our way.
That's beautiful.
So,
please join me in welcoming
Afternoon Aliza
[speaking Hebrew]
as our newest member of the tribe.
Mazel tov.
Mazel tov!
- Let's go look around.
- Wait, what if they do the chair lifting?
- I really like the chair lifting.
- [Morgan] Just stop.
[music fades]
[Abby] Okay. Give her back.
Can you say, "Thank you, Rabbi?"
- Say, "Thank you, Rabbi."
- It was my pleasure. It was my pleasure.
- [Abby] Say, "Rabbi."
- She said it with her eyes.
- Oh my God, this dress is so sticky.
- Can you tiptoe, please?
Okay, let's see.
[intriguing music plays]
It's like a Joni-Mitchell-themed room.
It's very weird. Come on.
[music fades]
Yasher koach, Rabbi.
Oh, sorry about that.
It's okay. Gabe.
- Yes, yes.
- I'm just fucking with you.
No, no.
Hey, full disclosure.
I normally completely zone out.
There was a Shabbat where I fell asleep,
woke up, everyone just gone.
Yeah, but everything, the hope and all
the shit you were saying about mundane,
was fucking unbelievable.
- Wow, thank you.
- Yes.
- Ooh.
- We shouldn't be in here.
I'm starting to get jealous of her baby.
- [Morgan] I gotta do it.
- What? Are you using her baby's products?
Yes.
What? Come on!
Abby Loves Smoothies is annoying.
We came here to mess with her, didn't we?
No. I came here to support Noah.
Okay, sure. There was a small part of me
that wanted to mess with her,
but that was, like, hours ago.
Oh, okay. Well, I don't know
what changed for you,
but Abby Loves Smoothies
has always been annoying.
I need you to remember that.
Remember how her parents
used to wait outside school for her,
and they, like, held hands?
Yeah.
But I think the most annoying part
about her is that she just
She had a better childhood than we did,
and now she's got her big house
and stupid family and swipe-ups,
and I know that those are
great reasons to hate somebody--
Joanne, she cut off your doll's hair.
Okay? Have a fucking spine.
Maybe I just don't care about it anymore.
I don't know. The thrill of revenge
isn't hitting the same way.
I guess I'm mature.
My temple is actually
looking for a new rabbi.
Sure. You guys You, uh
You have any leads? Have anyone in mind?
Well, we do now.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
- We're talking about me?
- He's so humble.
Oh, okay. Am-Amazing.
I'll set something up.
You can come and meet everybody
- Sorry, one second.
- Yep.
- I gotta take this, actually.
- Sure.
Hey, motherfucker.
I got my kid's thing till 3:00.
- I'm mature too.
- Morgan.
- I am mature. Yes, I am.
- [Joanne] No, you're not.
Do you guys need something? I was
hoping to keep people out of here.
We had to pee.
- Yeah.
- And then we got lost.
Are you wearing boots in the nursery?
No.
I can see you're wearing boots.
Okay.
[inhales] You guys
can make fun of me all you want,
but posting about my life
is how I make money for my family.
It let Gabe quit the towel industry
and me spend more time with my mom
before she died.
I can handle the judgment.
Oh. We weren't making fun of you
for being an influencer.
We were making fun of you for being happy,
and that's on us.
I really didn't know what you guys were
talking about with the whole doll thing,
and then after you said it, I realized.
I did cut your doll's hair, okay?
I I'm mortified, but I was, like, 11.
I was so tired.
You guys wouldn't let me go to sleep!
But I'm sorry.
So psycho.
- It really was.
- We were just kids.
Anyway, someone gifted my daughter
one of those dolls.
It's not the same girl,
but I owe you a doll.
- Oh God, no. That's crazy.
- We'll take it. Thank you.
[Abby] She's all yours. Okay.
You know, it really sucks that
you guys hate me because the truth is
[sighs] this is so embarrassing, but I
love your podcast.
I listen to you guys, like, every week.
It's why I hired your rabbi boyfriend.
I tell people, "I grew up with them."
Oh fuck.
- No, Abby, we don't hate you.
- Do you want to come on the pod?
No. No. Nobody wants to hear
what I have to say.
Or do you think Do you think they would?
- I am building an empire.
- Maybe.
No, it's okay. You know what?
Let me just stay a fan.
I'll reach out if I change my mind.
It was really good seeing you.
Can you get out of this room, please?
Oh my God. Why didn't you tell me
my Spanx had been showing this whole time?
- Through that whole talk?
- I need to find Noah.
Okay.
Appreciate you
holding down the fort with me.
Sort of avoiding my father-in-law.
I gave him some sketchy investment advice.
Oh, yeah.
Good luck.
There you go, enjoy.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I was looking for you.
So, first baby naming.
- Give it to me.
- Oh, you named the shit out of that baby.
- That's the right answer.
- Yeah.
That's the right answer.
Um, sit down.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I should have been way more focused
on the baby naming than on Abby.
No, no, it's fine.
But I realized something while I was
maybe gonna cut Abby's baby's hair.
- What now? Okay.
- [Joanne] Noah, focus.
I spent my whole life
not wanting to be an adult.
Until now.
[gentle music plays]
The truth is,
I want to pick out sconces.
I want to obsess over my kids, too,
just in, like, a less annoying way.
All these things that I had disdain for,
I actually want.
I used to think
I was so antiestablishment,
but as it turns out, I'm establishment.
Be strong as steel ♪
Prove it.
how you feel ♪
I want couple's stationery.
When you get invited on a boys' trip,
I want you to say,
"I gotta check with the boss."
Of course I gotta check with the boss.
And of course the answer's gonna be no.
need saving ♪
All I'm saying is ♪
I want all those things with you too.
If your head's under water ♪
I'll be your float ♪
If you're feeling lost
I'll be your north star ♪
- What about matching outfits?
- Oh, don't push your luck.
two, I'll piece you back together ♪
Whatever you need, baby ♪
That's what I'll be ♪
Don't matter when or where ♪
Oh, I'll be there ♪
If you're hurting, baby, I'm hurting ♪
Don't try to push me away ♪
By your side, that's where I'll stay ♪
When everything else just ain't
One thing's for certain ♪
If your head's under water ♪
I'll be your float ♪
If you're feeling lost
I'll be your north star home ♪
If your heart's broke in two
I'll piece you back together ♪
Whatever you need, baby
That's what I'll be ♪
Oh ♪
That's what I'll be ♪
[music fades]