On the Buses (1969) s02e05 Episode Script

On the Buses, part one, production number 0-2-8-0, take one.
Mmm.
Shouldn't I have made a meal out of that?
Well, how about going in for some afters?
Come on.
You are a naughty boy.
Am I?
You know you mustn't come in.
Why not?
It's three o'clock.
You shouldn't have brought me home so late.
Well, I got here at ten o'clock.
I've been hanging up for half an hour.
You must go, love.
You're on the early shift.
Not till half past five.
I'm in condition.
I only need a couple of hours' kip.
Come to think of it, I only need one.
Come on, let's go.
No!
You'll be a good boy.
All right.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Sure?
All right.
Sleep well.
Yeah.
Ta-ra, Dory.
Ta-ra.
Caw.
Bloody hell, no.
I need to turn it off.
Arthur?
Your alarm's going.
It's not mine, it's Stan's.
Eh?
It
Oh, never mind.
Wake up!
Oh, Arthur.
It's only five o'clock.
Oh.
Shall I take my pillows out?
I'm not trying to wake you, I'm trying to wake your brother.
Let me switch his ruddy alarm off.
I'll murder him getting me up this time of morning.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up, will you?
What's the matter with you, blimey?
The alarm hasn't gone off yet.
It's only woken the old household.
What do you put it so far away from your bed for?
That's right against my wall.
That's a good idea.
When it goes off, I have to get out of bed to turn it off.
You mean I have to get out of bed and turn it off?
It's been going on for hours.
Blimey, I'm late then.
Don't be, I couldn't find them.
Oh, Stan, haven't you gone yet?
Well, it's only five o'clock, Mum.
Oh, dear, when I heard Arthur get up, I thought it was seven, so I got up and
put me tape in.
Here, what are you doing up two hours early?
I got up to turn his alarm off.
He got up so late, he didn't hear it.
Oh, Stan, when you're on an early shift, you should be in bed by ten o'clock.
He probably was, then he had to get out again and come home.
I don't like that kind of talk.
And neither do I.
Dory's not that sort of a girl.
Anyway, I wasn't in all that late.
What do you mean, your socks are still warm?
I'm fed up with this, having to get up early every morning just because you're
too tired to hear the alarm.
Your sex life is weirding me out, mate.
What's the matter, you're jealous?
It was all completely innocent, Tom.
Yeah, well, I do not think it right for a girl to keep her man in her house
till three o'clock in the morning.
It is not proper.
I know it's not proper.
She wouldn't let me stay any longer.
Now shut up and let me get dressed.
Where's me shirt, Mum?
Here's your shirt, love.
It's a dirty one, I want a clean one.
Oh, no, wait a minute, love.
I've got a lovely pullover here.
Here you are, love.
I washed it yesterday.
Put that on.
What can I do for you?
He's always moaning, this bloke.
Well, it's always the same, love.
You come home, I don't know what time it is.
Well, I don't
What's the matter with you?
Let me go!
I've got a long shirt or something.
I've got you in through the armhole.
I thought
I was robbing a bank.
What's this big red mark you've got on your neck here, dear?
Where?
Big red mark there.
Oh, er, that's, um
It's a gnat bite.
Oh, I see.
What did you say it was?
It's a gnat bite.
Do you mind if I have a look?
It's a gnat bite.
Gnats do not have four front teeth and wear lipstick.
That is a bird bite.
Shut up.
Ooh, don't say that girl bit you.
Well, how would I know?
It was in the dark.
Well, it's not right.
Girls didn't bite fellas in my day.
They didn't have many teeth in your day.
Will you stop worrying about me, Mum?
It's all right for you, mate.
I've not got two hours to do nothing in.
I suppose I should just have to go back to bed.
Arthur, I've been keeping your place warm for you.
Aren't you coming back?
I'm setting thoughts off.
I think I'll go downstairs and have an early breakfast.
What's wrong?
Why aren't you coming to bed?
He's frightened of getting bitten.
I'll see you tonight, Mum.
Ah, good
morning, Jack.
I just made it.
You didn't make it.
You're late.
I had to sign you in.
Oh, did you?
Oh, thanks, mate.
You've been with that Dorian bird again, haven't you?
Look at her.
She's wearing you out.
That's three mornings on a trot you've been late.
No, I didn't hear the alarm go off.
Oh, what's the matter?
Dorian forget to wind it up, did she?
No, no, I went home.
Blimey, I didn't get out for three.
She's killing you, you lucky blighter.
Now, look here, mate.
There's nothing like that between me and her.
Nothing?
Well, when I say nothing, I mean Dorian's not that cute.
You can't rush it with her.
Oh, what a load of bosh.
I mean, take that new blonde bit in the office last week.
I mean, I got cracking there within five minutes of her setting eyes on me.
I don't know how I did it.
She must have trod on her glasses.
That's it, blitzkrieg.
Have you just arrived, have you?
No, I've been here hours.
I never saw you sign in.
Oh, I have.
Here, you have a look, have a look.
Your handwriting looks quite different this morning.
Yeah, that's because he borrowed my pen.
Signed in at 5.15, did you?
Yeah, I've been here about, what, 20 minutes?
Well, I never saw you.
Nobody saw you.
Well, I should hope not.
I was in the
What's it?
What, 20 minutes in the bog?
Well, on behalf of the management, may I say greetings and welcome home on your
safe return.
Get on that bus.
Get on that bus, go on.
The pair of you.
Here.
Don't forget we're only 11A this morning.
What's that?
We're only 11A, do you know the route?
Of course I know the route, I've done it enough times, haven't I?
I love it when I do it with my eyes shut.
The way you look this morning, you probably will.
Hi, Mum.
Hello.
Ah, good, you got the grub ready?
Yeah.
And I've got a clean chair out for me.
Yes.
I'll go straight out, I'll get tea.
Oh, ever since you met that Doreen, you treat this place like a laundryette or
a calf.
You come in, grab your food, grab your washing, and straight out again.
Oh, no, he uses my deodorant first.
And what time may we expect you in this evening?
And what's that got to do with you?
I'll tell you what it's got to do with me, mate.
I'm not being woken up at five o'clock every morning just because you're too
tired to hear your alarm.
I need my sleep, I put in a hard day's work.
Hard day's work, you?
Booking Clark on the British Rail?
You may scoff, mate, you may scoff.
I'll have a cup of tea anyway.
Yes, have a cup, love.
What's my clock doing down here?
It is remaining down here.
If you got a better decent ear, you wouldn't need one.
I mean, listen to that.
Leave it alone, it's my clock.
Trust you to buy a foreign clock?
It's not foreign.
Oh, yes, it sounded foreign to me.
Here, play it again.
Oh, yes, that's a foreign sound.
That's not an English sound.
It's not friendly.
Made in Western Germany.
Where'd you say that?
Underneath the Union Jack, mate.
Ah, that's typical German efficiency, that is, mate.
They make sure their workers get up and go to work on time, boy.
That's why they do so well.
What a lot of rot you two talk.
That's not rot, mate.
I'm telling you something.
Those fellas have got up, they've gone out and they've bashed out two
Volkswagens while you're still in bed scratching yourself.
Yeah, well, I do not have to get up at five o'clock and if you have to get up
early, you might have consideration for other people and get to bed at a decent
time.
Yeah, when I do, you keep me awake all night long.
What the hell do you get up to in your room, then?
Nothing.
I wasn't talking about you, love.
That sniffing and snorting you do.
I suppose you were referring to my deep breathing exercises.
They happen to be highly beneficial.
Deep breathing?
What for?
How do you do that?
To ensure a good night's sleep, mate.
You inhale and exhale ten times through each nostril thus.
I'm glad you packed up.
If they'll have a draft coming through your ear holes.
Yeah, well, it works, mate.
You should try it.
If my head hits that pillow, I get eight hours uninterrupted sleep.
Right, Olive?
Yes, always.
Nothing wakes him.
Only his ruddy alarm.
And I tell you something, mate.
I need that clock to get me up in the morning.
Now, then.
So shut up!
Blimey, look at the time.
I shall be late for Dory.
Got my clean shirt, Mum?
Yes, love.
It's all over there.
Right, I'll take that.
And I think I'll take my clean pants and vest as well.
Clean pants and vest?
I don't like the sound of that.
Yesterday, he only took a clean shirt.
Yeah.
Well, I don't care what he gets up to outside these four walls.
He is not waking me with that alarm clock again.
Oh, you're not going to do anything to it, are you, love?
I mean, look at the size of his clangers.
You're not going to spoil Stan's clock.
No, I'm just going to adjust it.
Make it a little quieter.
A little bit more soothing.
Hi, Jack.
Where the hell have you been?
What do you mean, where have I
I've been in bed, of course.
You've come from that bird again, haven't you?
Look at you, straight from the nest.
Your feathers are all ruffled.
I haven't, I tell you, I've been in bed.
Oh, don't give me that.
Look, I've still got my pyjamas on.
Oh, it must be true.
You wouldn't be wearing pyjamas if you'd been with a bird.
Not unless you were dead fussy.
Well, have you signed me in?
Yeah, I told the inspector you were in the loo.
Ah, great thinking, that mate.
Great thinking, yes, yes.
Just one thing.
What?
Look.
What's he doing here?
He is waiting for you to come out.
He's been
God knows what he's thinking.
You've been in there for over half an hour.
What do you think I'm doing, having a sit-down strike?
Look, look.
You've got to get in there so that he can see you come out.
Now, nip up the side passage and climb through the back window of the loo.
Oh, bloody, that's a bit risky, isn't it?
Look, Stan, if he finds out that I've been signing you on, we'll both get the
bullet.
Now, go on, don't hang about.
Here, and when you come out, act as though you've got the gutsache.
The way I feel, I won't be acting.
Er, not come out yet then, has he?
God bloody knows what he's doing in there, for God's sake.
Look, I've had enough of this.
I've had to sign on two relief crews already since he's been in there.
Look, either he comes out and he goes sick, or he comes out and he goes to
work.
I've had enough of it.
I'm going in to see what he's doing.
Hang about.
As shop steward, I'm here to tell you you are not allowed to go slooping around
a men's convenience hounding employees.
It's an affront against human dignity.
He can't stay in there all the bloomin' morning, can he?
I suppose you'd like to fit time clocks to all the doors, and he could stand
out here with a stopwatch and do a time check.
Stopwatch?
The way he's going on, mate, you could do with a calendar.
You nasty little peeping tom!
I was just putting my face on, Mr Blake, when that Stan Butler comes climbing
in through the window.
Butler, come out there at once.
Come on.
Come on.
What are you doing in here, for God's sake, Mary?
It's a mistake, all a mistake, I'm telling you.
There I was when I saw him in the mirror, and I've given you a nasty turn, I
can tell you.
And when I saw you in the mirror, it didn't do me any good either.
You cheeky lad.
With men like him around, a girl ain't safe anywhere.
You are.
No, no, no, no, no.
Get on your pass, lad.
I'll handle him, all right.
Go on.
Look at you, mate, he's just got to be serious, you know.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Go blimey, the way she carried on, I'm not one of them mad sex crackpots, you
know.
No?
What's that you've got on his ear?
Oh, it's, er, my pyjamas.
Are you kinky, Butler?
Kinky?
I'm not kinky, it's all quite innocent.
Innocent?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Busman caught climbing through window of Clippy's Convenience, wearing pyjamas.
Wait till I read this, mate.
You're not going to send that to the management, are you?
No, the Sunday papers.
Look, I'll tell you, I'll tell you what happened.
I climbed through the window, and I thought it was the men's loo.
Well, do you always come through the window, do you?
No, only this morning, because I was a little bit on the
Oh.
Oh.
I'm beginning to see what's happening now.
You've signed him in, and you've climbed through that window because you're 40
minutes late, aren't you?
Eh?
All right, I overslept.
Yeah.
Well, I think the best thing you can do, son, is to go home and have the rest
of your sleep out.
What for?
I'm giving you the rest of the day off.
Hey, just a minute, hang about.
You can't suspend him just like that.
I'm not going to suspend him, son.
Oh.
You come back here at eight o'clock tonight, Butler.
You're on night duty, son.
Oh, blimey, you can't do that with me.
I've got a date with a bird after work.
What, in there?
Look, Butler, either you're on night duty, or you come up there and see the
general manager.
Well, I suppose
I suppose we'd better go and do it then, Jack, that's all.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not Jack, no.
Oh, no, I'm not having him sign in here again, though.
No, I'm not daft, mate.
I may be silly, but I'm not daft.
Now, look here.
You can go on that number nine bus over there, Jackie boy.
It's due out in ten minutes.
Oh, good, I don't have to do nights with Stan then.
No, you don't have to do nights with Stan, mate.
You can do them next week.
I've had a lovely day today.
Can't you tell the difference between the men and the women?
Why don't you look through the window?
I did, and then when I saw the writing on the wall, naturally I thought it was
ours.
Oh, yeah?
The tip is right on the wall, is it?
You're joking, mate.
They're worse than us.
Go on.
They don't only write, mate.
They do drawings as well.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, there's a drawing in there.
I haven't got time now.
I'd better nip over to Kim, but I'll tell her that one.
Oh, good.
Shh!
It's not six o'clock yet.
You'll wake Stan.
He must have a good day's sleep.
I keep forgetting he's
Oh!
Shh!
Eve, you'll wake him.
No.
Don't clump about like that.
Take your shoes off.
I have taken my shoes off.
Oh, well, I suppose you've just got bloomin' heavy feet.
Come on.
Hold it.
Oh.
Argh!
Why do you leave your shoes lying around in the old foyer?
I nearly killed myself.
Shh!
Don't you shush me.
What are you leaving stuff about?
Shh!
Don't make so much noise.
What are you whispering about?
Have you got laryngitis or something?
It's Stan.
He's asleep.
Asleep?
Asleep.
Yes, he's on the night shift.
Yes.
Night?
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, that ought to suit him.
Lately, he's been working harder at nights than he has done during the day.
At least I can watch my television in peace tonight.
Shh!
Don't switch on the telly.
He's bound to hear it.
All right, so I'll shut the door.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Ow!
Who's keeping up all this?
Oh, you, is it?
Turn that bloody riffing off.
What do you think you're doing?
Listen, mate, I'm going to get some kit in.
I've only got two hours.
You got me up two hours early, mate.
Well, that's fair enough.
That's what you've been doing to me every day this week.
Oh, look, love, you can watch the telly later.
What, I miss my rest?
Why should his night shift interfere with my pleasure?
Because it interfere with my pleasure.
If I don't get my sleep, I won't be able to wrestle with Dory, will I?
Now, keep quiet and let me get some kit in.
All right, love, I'll see to it.
Ian, have a nice, quiet read of the paper, dear.
That's it.
I'll try not to rustle it.
It might wake his lordship.
Oh, I'll make you some tea, Arthur.
Would you like a nice fried egg?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Careful how you crack the egg.
Don't make too much noise.
She wouldn't do that, love.
Only last time she cracked one, she broke the basin.
Oh!
Shh!
Oh, hello, Mrs B.
I've just come round to see Stan.
You've got a bloody mutt all around here!
Oh, it's you, is it?
Oh, you're up.
I thought you might still be asleep.
Asleep?
What, in this house?
Hey, mate, have we had enough noise yet?
I'll wake the dead, mate.
Ian, do you manage to get in touch with Doreen?
Oh, she hasn't finished till nine o'clock, does she?
This is murder, this is.
Here, I'll tell her what you do.
Nip round on your bike tonight.
Tell her I won't be able to see her, will you?
Yeah, OK.
Yeah, 14 Villiers Road she lives.
Tell her I'll see her sometime tomorrow.
Yeah, sure.
Fed up with this?
She's working all day long and I'm working all night.
Oh, well, never mind, love.
It's only for a few weeks.
You know, when the war was on, your dad was on night shift for five years.
We both worked in the same factory.
The only time we saw each other was in the air raid shelter.
And you know, if it hadn't been for the German bombers, Olive might never have
been born.
Oh!
Did you hear that, Arthur?
Yeah.
Hitler had a lot to answer for, didn't he?
I'll get your egg on, love.
Yeah, just lightly boil it this morning, will you, Ma?
I'm feeling a little queasy.
Right-o, love.
Ooh, there's Stan.
I wonder how he got on.
Morning, Mum.
Hello, love.
Ah!
All that night work gives me an appetite.
Yes.
Have you got me grub ready yet?
Oh, lovely, all hot.
I'm keeping it in the oven.
Ah, lovely.
How's it going, Arthur, mate?
Did you have a nice hard night's kick, mate, ready for a hard day's work?
Do you mind not being so arty?
I'm not my best in the morning.
Now, that comes from looking in the shaving mirror, mate.
There's your boiled egg.
And there's your dinner, Stan.
Oh, look at that.
Steak and kidney pud, Arthur, mate.
My favourite.
Boy, am I going to do that just this month.
You do not intend eating that this time of the morning, I hope?
Of course I do.
I'll have a good nosh-up, don't I, after I've finished work?
Nice cup of tea, love?
Oh, Mum, no, it's no better than that.
Cup of tea?
What, with steak and kidney pudding?
Oh, no, no.
Oh, what are you going to get?
What are you getting now?
I don't know.
He is a boy, you know.
No, I'm going to have a nice glass of stout, will you?
Stout?
Yeah.
Here's your fatty one, mate.
Oh, thank you.
You put me off my tea.
I'll put a nice hot water bottle in your bed, love.
Oh, don't worry about that, Mum.
I'm going straight out after I've had me grub.
Going out?
Yeah, I'm going to try and catch Dory before she goes to work.
But, love, it's half past seven in the morning.
She might still be in bed.
That's what he's hoping.
Oh, Stan, it's not decent, going to a girl's house at that hour in the morning.
Oh, no, but it's different to when Dad was on night work, isn't it?
Eh?
Well, we haven't got air raid shelter.
Oh, Stan!
Oh, hello.
Oh, er
We thought you were the milkman.
Did you?
What are you doing here?
Oh, well, you know that message you asked me to bring round?
Well, I couldn't get round last night, so I popped round this morning.
Oh, I see.
Darling!
I'm coming, love!
Not you, she means me.
Hurry up, sweetheart, I've got our breakfast ready.
Breakfast?
Oh, I get it.
Now, Stan, don't get excited.
What do you mean, don't get excited, mate?
We're mates, aren't we?
Oh, yeah.
I mean, think of the number of times I've signed you in.
And now you've signed yourself in.
Jackie, darling, I think you ought to get yourself an extra couple of pints.
Extra couple of pints?
Because I suppose you need the extra energy.
Oh, get inside, Jackie, darling, your breakfast is getting cold.
Nah, my drivers are always right.
They always say, never trust your conductor, mate.
Sorry, Stan, mate, but it's not my fault if you're too slow on the accelerator,
is it?
Eh?
Marvellous, isn't it, eh?
I do all the driving, and he comes along and collects the fare.