Superjail! (2007) s02e05 Episode Script
Gay Wedding
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS .]
[ GRUNTS .]
[ GASPS .]
AAH! [ SIRENS WAIL .]
[ GRUNTING .]
[ GRUNTS .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
Aaaaaah! [ GAGGING .]
Aah! Oh! Aah! [ JAILBOT WHIRS .]
[ GRUMBLING .]
[ ELECTRICITY ZAPS .]
Aah! [ CROWD CHEERING .]
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be.
You know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street.
Oh! Well, it's a drag, and I know, there's only one place to go: I'm coming home, whoa, yeah, I'm coming home! [ RAT SQUEAKING .]
[ RAT SQUEAKS AGAIN .]
Aaaah! - Aaah! - [ ALICE .]
: No passing notes in Class.
Oh! - What the - [ WARDEN .]
: The gays are getting married? [ ALICE .]
: And they didn't invite me? [ WARDEN .]
: Give the good gays some credit, Alice.
Clearly, our invites must have been lost in the mail.
[ JARED .]
: Actually, sir, Jean and Paul are just hoping for a small, intimate ceremony.
[ ALICE .]
: Whoa! You knew about this? [ JARED .]
: I am the only Notary Public in Superjail, so [ WARDEN .]
: And the only Notary Public who's never squeezed a booby.
[ JARED .]
: If -- if you want, I could say my "scrapbook of love" is from all three of us.
But, please, for the sake of Superjail, don't get involved.
[ WARDEN IN SING-SONG VOICE .]
: La-a-a-me! If it's a real celebration those two want -- [ JARED .]
: Sir! I'm begging you! Don't you remember what it was like before the gays got together? Back when they used to run the 'Double Rainbows' and the 'Purple Pythons;' the most brutal gangs Superjail had ever seen?! It seemed like the mayhem would never die down to the horrific, yet manageable levels we enjoy today Until that fateful day in the Level "C" bathroom, when Jean and Paul learned that their bitter rivals on the killing fields were also their secret sweethearts in the Superjail glory hole.
They soon left their gangs behind, and without leadership, the 'Double Rainbows' and the 'Purple Pythons' dispersed.
True love conquered all.
Isn't that a pleasant story? [ ALICE .]
: It'd be "pleasanted-er" if I was in it.
It's one thing to be a bridesmaid and never a bride, but I'll be damned if I'm never a bridesmaid.
[ WARDEN .]
: Save that passion For your toast, Alice, because Jared's right.
We've got a wedding to rescue! [ INDISTINCT TALKING .]
Aw, man! [ Jared .]
: I'm sorry, guys.
I tried to stop -- [WARDEN .]
: Hello, young lovers! Just thought I'd pop in and give my blessings on your special day.
[ ALICE .]
: And I figured I'd add some feminine charm to this sausage fest.
[ CHHH--SPLAT .]
[ PAUL .]
: Aren't you gonna say anything? - [ Jean .]
: Hmm.
- [Paul .]
: Nice! [ PAUL .]
: Look, we're REALLY glad you Folks could stop by -- [ WARDEN .]
: Think nothing of it! So, remind me where the best man stands.
[ PAUL .]
: Actually, Warden, we already HAVE a best man.
[ SNAPS FINGER .]
[ JAILBOT BEEPS .]
Ahh! [ WARDEN .]
: Well, good thing I'm already in a tux.
No need to thank me for filling in.
We'll put on the most fanciful of matrimonial spectacles, one truly befitting the monument of love that is Superjail! [ ALICE .]
: With invitations that aren't printed on toilet paper.
[ WARDEN .]
: And a layer cake with more than one layer.
It'll be a gay wedding so grand that God himself will warm up to the idea.
[ ALICE .]
: After we piss him off with the world's wettest, wildest, naughtiest bachelor parties.
[ WARDEN .]
: You got that right, Maid of Honor.
This wedding is officially postponed whilst Alice and I plan the festivities! Ah, handsome, isn't it? And the groom's favorite color, if I'm not mistaken.
[ JARED .]
: Sir, what are you -- Those are his old gang colors! [ GASPS .]
[ ALICE .]
: Bra's old, veil's new, thong's borrowed, skirt's blue.
Wear it! [ SCOFFS .]
[ PAUL .]
: You're not really going to let them do this to us, are you? - [ JEAN .]
: Pft! I don't know.
- [ PAUL SIGHING .]
Ohh! [ WARDEN .]
: And that's not all.
To celebrate your special day, I even shipped in your parents! [ GASPS .]
[ PAUL .]
: Oh, my God! Mo-o-o-m! Daddy! [ WARDEN .]
: Don't worry, Jean, I didn't forget about your folks.
[ JARED .]
: What?! Jean is in here for stabbing his father! [ FATHER.]
: I have no son! [ JEAN .]
: You son-of-a-bitch bastard! I'll kill you! [ WARDEN .]
: Oh! Some guests just have to make it all about them, huh? [ CHUCKLES .]
[ TIRES SCREECH / MOTORS RACE .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Ah! Ta-da! And then you exchange the rings.
[ DING! .]
Simple! Now you give it a whirl.
[ JEAN .]
: Mm, nah.
[PAUL SIGHS .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Good call.
Save it for the real ceremony.
After all, we've got bachelor parties to attend.
Oh, yeah! [ DRUMROLL .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Good Evening and welcome to Superjail's finest bachelors! Y'all ready for a good time?! [ MEN CHEER .]
Of course you are! And what's a good time without: some beer?! Root beer! And that's just a start, fellas, 'cause we've also lined up some: exotic dancers! [ JEERING .]
Dancing not your thing? Well, then let's spice things up.
Who's ready for some: deep-throating? [ MEN CHEERING .]
[ MEN JEER .]
What is next -- A flame eater? [ CRYING .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ ALL .]
: Yeah! [ JARED GULPING .]
: Jailbot, we have a problem at the groom's party -- uh, the other groom's party! There's alcohol! [ ALICE .]
: Unh-unh.
No communication with your men tonight, ladies.
It's our night.
[ PAUL .]
: I can't believe how spineless Jean has become.
Well, what's wrong with that? Maybe it's different for you guys, but the last thing I need in my harem is an uppity concubine.
[ ALICE .]
: All men suck.
That's why we're making them our slaves tonight.
Whoo! [ LAUGHS .]
[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ MEN CHEER .]
[ WARDEN .]
: And now it's time to really get this party rolling.
In our official, tricked-out Superjail party bus! [ MEN CHEER .]
Whooooo! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
[ CRASH .]
[ JEAN .]
: Paul?! [ GASPS .]
[ PAUL .]
: This is NOT what it looks like.
[ JEAN .]
: Oh, yeah? From here it looks like you're grinding your goodies all over that himbo's face.
I'm done! [ PAUL .]
: Well, maybe if you'd grown some balls earlier, I wouldn't be rubbing my face against his! Here! I don't even want this ring anymore! [ JEAN .]
: Fine! Here's your [bleeping.]
ring, bitch! [ MEN CHEERING .]
Man, cheer up! We all had a defiant bitch before.
All you have to do is cut contact, clear your mind, and shank 'em at lunch the next day! [ PAUL .]
: I don't know.
I-I just need to get back in touch with who I was before we met.
And who you was before you met would have killed his ass by now.
[ PAUL .]
: Maybe you're right.
Yeah! We'll start by killing all his friends, just like good old times! [ JEAN .]
: No! Come on, man, every couple fights after breaking up.
You need to vent, man.
[ JEAN .]
: I'm not gonna kill Paul just to vent.
The 'Double Rainbows' are all up in the courtyard! They're calling us out! [ ALL SNORING .]
[ JARED .]
: All right! Everybody out! Come on, people! [ ALICE .]
: Ugh.
Tell me we didn't.
[ JARED .]
: We've got bigger issues than that! Just look outside! Because of your selfishness and depravity, you made the gays break up! [ WARDEN .]
: Break up?! [ JARED .]
: Now the gang war is back and worse than ever! And it's allyourfault! [ WARDEN .]
: My goodness, Alice, we've ruined the purest thing in Superjail: love! The powerful love born of convenience and limited options.
Well, that's it! The gays already fell in love once, they can do it all over again.
And they will if we re-create the magic.
Alice, call the lunch lady.
[ ALICE .]
: Uh, I think she choked on her vomit.
[ WARDEN .]
: Then I hope to God you two know how to sloppy a Joe, 'cause today's special is: Love slathered in Warden sauce.
[ SOUND OF DINNER TRIANGLE .]
Aw, no way! [ GASPS .]
We haven't had no Sloppy Joes for years! [ INDISTINCT CHATTERING .]
No! Ughhh! [ JEAN'S STOMACH GURGLES .]
[ PAUL'S STOMACH GURGLES .]
[ ZIPPER UNZIPS, FARTS .]
Ughh! [ FARTS .]
Ughh! [ PAUL .]
: Thank the maker! [ FARTS .]
Oh, uh Ughh! Oh, uh [ JEAN .]
: Paul? [ PAUL .]
: Jean? [ JEAN .]
: Is that you? [ PAUL .]
: You seem well.
[ FARTING .]
Did you get a new facial tattoo? [ JEAN .]
: Nah, someone tried to gouge my eye out with a pen.
[ PAUL LAUGHING .]
: Well, it suits you.
[ JEAN .]
: So, this brings back some memories, huh? [ FARTS .]
[ PAUL .]
: Oh, Jean, what are we doing to ourselves? It -- it feels like my soul is just ugh! is spilling out of my body! [ JEAN .]
: I know, baby.
Can't we just [ FARTS .]
Oh, ugh! start clean, you know? Ugh.
[ PAUL .]
: Okay.
[ GASPS .]
I love you, baby.
[ JARED .]
: I now pronounce you Husband and Husband.
[ WARDEN .]
: You may kiss the Oh! That'll work, too, I guess.
Gentlemen, may I introduce for the first time, The Gays! [ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Yeah! [ DOOR CLANKS OPEN .]
[ DOOR SLAMS SHUT .]
[ JARED .]
: How romantic! [ WARDEN .]
: And what better symbol of marital bliss than forced confinement? After all, true love is inescapable.
[ JEAN AND PAUL GRUNTING .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Jared, stick with me here, I'm on a roll.
As I was saying, love smothers, contains, imprisons man's baser instincts to run wild and free! And if Cupid is an enemy of freedom, then, by golly, HE is a friend of Superjail! [ JEAN AND PAUL CLIMAXING .]
[ JARED GAGS .]
[ WARDEN .]
: I know, buddy, I'm getting a little choked up myself.
[ PAUL .]
: Super-duper!
[ GRUNTS .]
[ GASPS .]
AAH! [ SIRENS WAIL .]
[ GRUNTING .]
[ GRUNTS .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
Aaaaaah! [ GAGGING .]
Aah! Oh! Aah! [ JAILBOT WHIRS .]
[ GRUMBLING .]
[ ELECTRICITY ZAPS .]
Aah! [ CROWD CHEERING .]
Oh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be.
You know, the world's gone crazy, and it ain't safe on the street.
Oh! Well, it's a drag, and I know, there's only one place to go: I'm coming home, whoa, yeah, I'm coming home! [ RAT SQUEAKING .]
[ RAT SQUEAKS AGAIN .]
Aaaah! - Aaah! - [ ALICE .]
: No passing notes in Class.
Oh! - What the - [ WARDEN .]
: The gays are getting married? [ ALICE .]
: And they didn't invite me? [ WARDEN .]
: Give the good gays some credit, Alice.
Clearly, our invites must have been lost in the mail.
[ JARED .]
: Actually, sir, Jean and Paul are just hoping for a small, intimate ceremony.
[ ALICE .]
: Whoa! You knew about this? [ JARED .]
: I am the only Notary Public in Superjail, so [ WARDEN .]
: And the only Notary Public who's never squeezed a booby.
[ JARED .]
: If -- if you want, I could say my "scrapbook of love" is from all three of us.
But, please, for the sake of Superjail, don't get involved.
[ WARDEN IN SING-SONG VOICE .]
: La-a-a-me! If it's a real celebration those two want -- [ JARED .]
: Sir! I'm begging you! Don't you remember what it was like before the gays got together? Back when they used to run the 'Double Rainbows' and the 'Purple Pythons;' the most brutal gangs Superjail had ever seen?! It seemed like the mayhem would never die down to the horrific, yet manageable levels we enjoy today Until that fateful day in the Level "C" bathroom, when Jean and Paul learned that their bitter rivals on the killing fields were also their secret sweethearts in the Superjail glory hole.
They soon left their gangs behind, and without leadership, the 'Double Rainbows' and the 'Purple Pythons' dispersed.
True love conquered all.
Isn't that a pleasant story? [ ALICE .]
: It'd be "pleasanted-er" if I was in it.
It's one thing to be a bridesmaid and never a bride, but I'll be damned if I'm never a bridesmaid.
[ WARDEN .]
: Save that passion For your toast, Alice, because Jared's right.
We've got a wedding to rescue! [ INDISTINCT TALKING .]
Aw, man! [ Jared .]
: I'm sorry, guys.
I tried to stop -- [WARDEN .]
: Hello, young lovers! Just thought I'd pop in and give my blessings on your special day.
[ ALICE .]
: And I figured I'd add some feminine charm to this sausage fest.
[ CHHH--SPLAT .]
[ PAUL .]
: Aren't you gonna say anything? - [ Jean .]
: Hmm.
- [Paul .]
: Nice! [ PAUL .]
: Look, we're REALLY glad you Folks could stop by -- [ WARDEN .]
: Think nothing of it! So, remind me where the best man stands.
[ PAUL .]
: Actually, Warden, we already HAVE a best man.
[ SNAPS FINGER .]
[ JAILBOT BEEPS .]
Ahh! [ WARDEN .]
: Well, good thing I'm already in a tux.
No need to thank me for filling in.
We'll put on the most fanciful of matrimonial spectacles, one truly befitting the monument of love that is Superjail! [ ALICE .]
: With invitations that aren't printed on toilet paper.
[ WARDEN .]
: And a layer cake with more than one layer.
It'll be a gay wedding so grand that God himself will warm up to the idea.
[ ALICE .]
: After we piss him off with the world's wettest, wildest, naughtiest bachelor parties.
[ WARDEN .]
: You got that right, Maid of Honor.
This wedding is officially postponed whilst Alice and I plan the festivities! Ah, handsome, isn't it? And the groom's favorite color, if I'm not mistaken.
[ JARED .]
: Sir, what are you -- Those are his old gang colors! [ GASPS .]
[ ALICE .]
: Bra's old, veil's new, thong's borrowed, skirt's blue.
Wear it! [ SCOFFS .]
[ PAUL .]
: You're not really going to let them do this to us, are you? - [ JEAN .]
: Pft! I don't know.
- [ PAUL SIGHING .]
Ohh! [ WARDEN .]
: And that's not all.
To celebrate your special day, I even shipped in your parents! [ GASPS .]
[ PAUL .]
: Oh, my God! Mo-o-o-m! Daddy! [ WARDEN .]
: Don't worry, Jean, I didn't forget about your folks.
[ JARED .]
: What?! Jean is in here for stabbing his father! [ FATHER.]
: I have no son! [ JEAN .]
: You son-of-a-bitch bastard! I'll kill you! [ WARDEN .]
: Oh! Some guests just have to make it all about them, huh? [ CHUCKLES .]
[ TIRES SCREECH / MOTORS RACE .]
[ TIRES SCREECH .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Ah! Ta-da! And then you exchange the rings.
[ DING! .]
Simple! Now you give it a whirl.
[ JEAN .]
: Mm, nah.
[PAUL SIGHS .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Good call.
Save it for the real ceremony.
After all, we've got bachelor parties to attend.
Oh, yeah! [ DRUMROLL .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Good Evening and welcome to Superjail's finest bachelors! Y'all ready for a good time?! [ MEN CHEER .]
Of course you are! And what's a good time without: some beer?! Root beer! And that's just a start, fellas, 'cause we've also lined up some: exotic dancers! [ JEERING .]
Dancing not your thing? Well, then let's spice things up.
Who's ready for some: deep-throating? [ MEN CHEERING .]
[ MEN JEER .]
What is next -- A flame eater? [ CRYING .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ ALL .]
: Yeah! [ JARED GULPING .]
: Jailbot, we have a problem at the groom's party -- uh, the other groom's party! There's alcohol! [ ALICE .]
: Unh-unh.
No communication with your men tonight, ladies.
It's our night.
[ PAUL .]
: I can't believe how spineless Jean has become.
Well, what's wrong with that? Maybe it's different for you guys, but the last thing I need in my harem is an uppity concubine.
[ ALICE .]
: All men suck.
That's why we're making them our slaves tonight.
Whoo! [ LAUGHS .]
[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ MEN CHEER .]
[ WARDEN .]
: And now it's time to really get this party rolling.
In our official, tricked-out Superjail party bus! [ MEN CHEER .]
Whooooo! [ TIRES SCREECH .]
[ CRASH .]
[ JEAN .]
: Paul?! [ GASPS .]
[ PAUL .]
: This is NOT what it looks like.
[ JEAN .]
: Oh, yeah? From here it looks like you're grinding your goodies all over that himbo's face.
I'm done! [ PAUL .]
: Well, maybe if you'd grown some balls earlier, I wouldn't be rubbing my face against his! Here! I don't even want this ring anymore! [ JEAN .]
: Fine! Here's your [bleeping.]
ring, bitch! [ MEN CHEERING .]
Man, cheer up! We all had a defiant bitch before.
All you have to do is cut contact, clear your mind, and shank 'em at lunch the next day! [ PAUL .]
: I don't know.
I-I just need to get back in touch with who I was before we met.
And who you was before you met would have killed his ass by now.
[ PAUL .]
: Maybe you're right.
Yeah! We'll start by killing all his friends, just like good old times! [ JEAN .]
: No! Come on, man, every couple fights after breaking up.
You need to vent, man.
[ JEAN .]
: I'm not gonna kill Paul just to vent.
The 'Double Rainbows' are all up in the courtyard! They're calling us out! [ ALL SNORING .]
[ JARED .]
: All right! Everybody out! Come on, people! [ ALICE .]
: Ugh.
Tell me we didn't.
[ JARED .]
: We've got bigger issues than that! Just look outside! Because of your selfishness and depravity, you made the gays break up! [ WARDEN .]
: Break up?! [ JARED .]
: Now the gang war is back and worse than ever! And it's allyourfault! [ WARDEN .]
: My goodness, Alice, we've ruined the purest thing in Superjail: love! The powerful love born of convenience and limited options.
Well, that's it! The gays already fell in love once, they can do it all over again.
And they will if we re-create the magic.
Alice, call the lunch lady.
[ ALICE .]
: Uh, I think she choked on her vomit.
[ WARDEN .]
: Then I hope to God you two know how to sloppy a Joe, 'cause today's special is: Love slathered in Warden sauce.
[ SOUND OF DINNER TRIANGLE .]
Aw, no way! [ GASPS .]
We haven't had no Sloppy Joes for years! [ INDISTINCT CHATTERING .]
No! Ughhh! [ JEAN'S STOMACH GURGLES .]
[ PAUL'S STOMACH GURGLES .]
[ ZIPPER UNZIPS, FARTS .]
Ughh! [ FARTS .]
Ughh! [ PAUL .]
: Thank the maker! [ FARTS .]
Oh, uh Ughh! Oh, uh [ JEAN .]
: Paul? [ PAUL .]
: Jean? [ JEAN .]
: Is that you? [ PAUL .]
: You seem well.
[ FARTING .]
Did you get a new facial tattoo? [ JEAN .]
: Nah, someone tried to gouge my eye out with a pen.
[ PAUL LAUGHING .]
: Well, it suits you.
[ JEAN .]
: So, this brings back some memories, huh? [ FARTS .]
[ PAUL .]
: Oh, Jean, what are we doing to ourselves? It -- it feels like my soul is just ugh! is spilling out of my body! [ JEAN .]
: I know, baby.
Can't we just [ FARTS .]
Oh, ugh! start clean, you know? Ugh.
[ PAUL .]
: Okay.
[ GASPS .]
I love you, baby.
[ JARED .]
: I now pronounce you Husband and Husband.
[ WARDEN .]
: You may kiss the Oh! That'll work, too, I guess.
Gentlemen, may I introduce for the first time, The Gays! [ MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS .]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE .]
Yeah! [ DOOR CLANKS OPEN .]
[ DOOR SLAMS SHUT .]
[ JARED .]
: How romantic! [ WARDEN .]
: And what better symbol of marital bliss than forced confinement? After all, true love is inescapable.
[ JEAN AND PAUL GRUNTING .]
[ WARDEN .]
: Jared, stick with me here, I'm on a roll.
As I was saying, love smothers, contains, imprisons man's baser instincts to run wild and free! And if Cupid is an enemy of freedom, then, by golly, HE is a friend of Superjail! [ JEAN AND PAUL CLIMAXING .]
[ JARED GAGS .]
[ WARDEN .]
: I know, buddy, I'm getting a little choked up myself.
[ PAUL .]
: Super-duper!