The Change (2023) s02e05 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 5
1
SPORADIC BANGING
BANGING CONTINUES
The scenes at the Eel Cafe
last night
was like something out of
a Ken Russell film.
Took the fire brigade an hour
to free Derek's penis
from a tree hollow.
Poor old John is still in a trance,
mumbling about witches
in the wood.
Farmer Beelzebub has been waiting in
A&E for six hours
with severely burnt testicles
after crawling into a pizza oven
cos he thought the sky
was falling on him.
CONTINUING ON RADIO: Agnes Watkins,
Theresa Watkins.
Call it what you like -
spiking, drugging -
I call it witchcraft.
It's no co-incidence that
the spell was cast on
the eve of the Watkins sisters'
annual witches' supper.
I dread to think what they took from
those poor men
for their witches' brew while they
were half mad.
Hair?
Saliva?
My apologies, semen?
Those mushrooms could
have been fatal.
FATAL!
Those men could be dead now.
The time for talking is over.
What's needed now is action.
And its high time I took
the law into my own hands.
And, mark my words,
I will grasp that law firmly,
and milk it for everything
that it's got
until I get the results I want.
Back after this.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
Shut up.
Idiot.
Ryan found these unopened in
the cabinet.
I don't need them.
I'm feeling fine.
You don't look fine.
It's none of your business, Joy,
not any more.
Come on, Jim,
it was never gonna work.
We're too different.
You say potato, I say potato.
The damage you women leave behind.
You can't keep blaming
the women in your life.
You using me like
a piece of meat has nothing to do
with my mother leaving me at
the Leigh Delamere services.
Please, take them, Jim.
Not until I've led our men
to victory.
I think you crave
chaos as a deflection.
HE LAUGHS
Where'd you read that?
Spiritual Guru Digest?
Cod Psychology Monthly?
Nah, I've had enough of this, Joy.
I need to get on.
The time is 8:30.
Today marks 200 days
before Pancake Day.
So that's something
to look forward to.
I am a lemon and sugar man.
Ah, here she comes.
Somert urgent, she said.
What's so important, town mouse?
Well, it's it's quite a big
one, so
Ooh! Not pregnant, are you?
Oh, no. II'm out the other side
of all that now, Tree.
Done the dirty with an animal!
What? No, course I haven't.
Was it a muntjac?
A muntjac? I don't know what
that is. Ooh! Not an eel, was it?
SHE LAUGHS
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It it was nothing.
No, forget about it.
Linda, Linda.
No, no, the moment's passed.
It absolutely hasn't, Linda.
It has. No, it hasn't.
Stop being so bloody sensitive.
Come here now. Tell us.
Come on, Linda.
You really want to know? Yes!
Yes, Linda, we do.
So, I
I'm your half-sister.
Are
er, you gonna s-say something,
or?
But what do you want us to say?
I don't know.
Well, what did you say to Ryan?
Nothing. We just gave them a hug.
Aw.
Oh, oh, no, let's let's
do that later, Linda, eh?
Cos I'm dead comfy now, so
No.
I've worked it out,
in case you're interested,
which you're obviously not.
And I now realise
that's why we kept coming here
when I was little.
Not because Mum wanted to spend
"quality time" with me and Siobhain,
but because she wanted
to see your dad. Our dad.
Right.
Well, that is NOT how I imagined
that going at all.
In any way.
Not quite Danny Dyer on
Who Do You Think You Are?
but there you go.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Janet.
Oh, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, no, I'm on my way.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
SHE SIGHS
SHE SCOFFS
Panini?
Mm! Yeah?
Put some little cheese
balls on the side.
SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY
BELL RINGS
Hey, leave the Eel sisters
out of your witch hunt.
They had nothing to do
with the spiking.
It was my mistake.
I didn't know my stinkhorn
from my hen-of-the-woods.
Hmm!
I'm coming for you, Linda Jenkins.
Mm-hm.
So you best be ready,
cos I'm coming. Mm?
Do you hear me?
I'm coming.
Ooh!
You come yet?
That's 20 quid, please.
Aww!
Sorry I'm late, Janet.
Something came up.
Lead by example, Linda.
That's the third time now.
Sorry.
Oh, off out?
No. I always wear this
when I have a good idea.
The spiking's thrown a bit of
a spanner in the negotiations.
Oh, why?
It's unnerved the men.
But it was an accident.
But the men don't see it like that.
They're saying the experience
has left them feeling violated,
humiliated, eel-masculated.
Eel-masculated?
It's like emasculated,
but with eels.
I've, er I've looked into it,
and I think I might be able to move
some money around local budgets.
WHISPERS:
Siphon it from "elsewhere."
Get the women £85 and 63 pence
per month. Oh!
It's a bit iffy,
but what council isn't?
Oh, well done, Janet.
How about
mandatory housework training?
Like conscription,
but for chores, not wars.
Pig Man could lead it.
He was born wiping, that man.
We could think of a catchy name
for it.
Er
Clean-scription.
No.
Pan-scription.
Absolutely not.
National cervix.
Stop now, Janet.
VOICES OVERLAP:
Blessing be upon you,
O wondrous Spirits of the Dead
and honour you on this sacred night.
Until you be refreshed
and reborn again in perfect love,
we bid you each a fond farewell.
I'll turn into a witch tonight
How did you happen to find me, sir?
Thought no-one could see me now
I didn't put my clothes on
The bubble that you left then
I think it's safer than the cold
Not too late to go home now
I'll chew the pill for you
And I'm flying away
But I think I saw some turbines
Turning beneath me
Don't waste your pearls on me
I'm only a pig, I'm only a pig
I'm only a pig,
I'm only a pig
Slept beside ♪
All right, lads,
settle down, settle.
Like to say a few words, if I may.
Tonight we make history!
ALL: Yes!
We take back control!
ALL: Yes!
We make men great again!
THEY CHEER
Ploughed the ground Good for you
Could grow some plants
if you wanted to ♪
Hold your nerve.
Stand firm!
Be not afraid
for victory awaits!
THEY CHEER
Let's kill the bitches!
SILENCE FALLS
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, Brian.
No.
That's not what we're doing here.
Eh?
Broke the zip inside my stomach
Blood dripping down onto the broom
Off the broom and into the sky
Mixed with your tears
seeped to the ground
And I'm flying away
but I think ♪
Oh, has everyone been for a wee-wee?
ALL: Yes.
Cos II'm not gonna be stopping
ten times on the way. We know.
Right? OK.
Right, grab your torches
and placards.
The Women's Revolt is over.
Tonight the night we show them
what revolting looks like!
THEY CHEER
Without a broom or bubble
You learnt to fly all by yourself
You could see through the mess
You chose to float above us. ♪
INDISTINCT SPEECH
TENSE MUSIC BUILDS
MEN CLAMOUR AND BANG
Theresa Watkins, Agnes Watkins,
Linda Jenkins,
I am arresting you under the 1603
Act Against Conjuration Witchcraft
And Dealing With Evil And
Wicked Spirits.
MURMURS OF APPROVAL
We've turned a blind eye
to your dead witches' suppers
for the best part of four decades.
Well, I am ending them tonight,
in accordance with ancient forest
rules
within said hundred of
Speech House Lake.
Tie 'em up, boys.
Come on. Right.
Who's got the rope?
I ain't got it.
I told you to bring it.
Oh, for God's sake!
I mean
Right, er, you-you-you may
not wish to say something.
Er, if you, er
What is it?
Er, it may harm what you
Anything you say may be taken
in evidence, so help you God!
Right, up against the wall, women.
Who's got the handcuffs?
Get the handcuffs.
Not me. I ain't got any.
Well, what kind
of ambush is this, Brian?
Jim, Jim, I think
it's all gone a bit too far.
Huh?! This ain't feeling right
to me.
I've got the willies.
I think I just got swept up
in it all,
but what you're doing here is wrong,
and I can't, in good conscience,
be a part of it no more.
Oh, God.
Sorry, ladies,
you look right beautiful.
I like your feathers.
Oh, for God's
Sorry, ladies.
You will be incarcerated
for desertion for this, Brian!
Incarcerated! Do you hear me?
Good riddance.
DOOR SLAMS
Ha! Ha!
I don't need anyone else
to help restore natural order
to this town. You women don't
scare me. I will not be silen
THUD
CLEARS THROA
Lovely. Thanks.
SPORADIC BANGING
BANGING CONTINUES
The scenes at the Eel Cafe
last night
was like something out of
a Ken Russell film.
Took the fire brigade an hour
to free Derek's penis
from a tree hollow.
Poor old John is still in a trance,
mumbling about witches
in the wood.
Farmer Beelzebub has been waiting in
A&E for six hours
with severely burnt testicles
after crawling into a pizza oven
cos he thought the sky
was falling on him.
CONTINUING ON RADIO: Agnes Watkins,
Theresa Watkins.
Call it what you like -
spiking, drugging -
I call it witchcraft.
It's no co-incidence that
the spell was cast on
the eve of the Watkins sisters'
annual witches' supper.
I dread to think what they took from
those poor men
for their witches' brew while they
were half mad.
Hair?
Saliva?
My apologies, semen?
Those mushrooms could
have been fatal.
FATAL!
Those men could be dead now.
The time for talking is over.
What's needed now is action.
And its high time I took
the law into my own hands.
And, mark my words,
I will grasp that law firmly,
and milk it for everything
that it's got
until I get the results I want.
Back after this.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
Shut up.
Idiot.
Ryan found these unopened in
the cabinet.
I don't need them.
I'm feeling fine.
You don't look fine.
It's none of your business, Joy,
not any more.
Come on, Jim,
it was never gonna work.
We're too different.
You say potato, I say potato.
The damage you women leave behind.
You can't keep blaming
the women in your life.
You using me like
a piece of meat has nothing to do
with my mother leaving me at
the Leigh Delamere services.
Please, take them, Jim.
Not until I've led our men
to victory.
I think you crave
chaos as a deflection.
HE LAUGHS
Where'd you read that?
Spiritual Guru Digest?
Cod Psychology Monthly?
Nah, I've had enough of this, Joy.
I need to get on.
The time is 8:30.
Today marks 200 days
before Pancake Day.
So that's something
to look forward to.
I am a lemon and sugar man.
Ah, here she comes.
Somert urgent, she said.
What's so important, town mouse?
Well, it's it's quite a big
one, so
Ooh! Not pregnant, are you?
Oh, no. II'm out the other side
of all that now, Tree.
Done the dirty with an animal!
What? No, course I haven't.
Was it a muntjac?
A muntjac? I don't know what
that is. Ooh! Not an eel, was it?
SHE LAUGHS
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It it was nothing.
No, forget about it.
Linda, Linda.
No, no, the moment's passed.
It absolutely hasn't, Linda.
It has. No, it hasn't.
Stop being so bloody sensitive.
Come here now. Tell us.
Come on, Linda.
You really want to know? Yes!
Yes, Linda, we do.
So, I
I'm your half-sister.
Are
er, you gonna s-say something,
or?
But what do you want us to say?
I don't know.
Well, what did you say to Ryan?
Nothing. We just gave them a hug.
Aw.
Oh, oh, no, let's let's
do that later, Linda, eh?
Cos I'm dead comfy now, so
No.
I've worked it out,
in case you're interested,
which you're obviously not.
And I now realise
that's why we kept coming here
when I was little.
Not because Mum wanted to spend
"quality time" with me and Siobhain,
but because she wanted
to see your dad. Our dad.
Right.
Well, that is NOT how I imagined
that going at all.
In any way.
Not quite Danny Dyer on
Who Do You Think You Are?
but there you go.
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Janet.
Oh, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, no, I'm on my way.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
SHE SIGHS
SHE SCOFFS
Panini?
Mm! Yeah?
Put some little cheese
balls on the side.
SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY
BELL RINGS
Hey, leave the Eel sisters
out of your witch hunt.
They had nothing to do
with the spiking.
It was my mistake.
I didn't know my stinkhorn
from my hen-of-the-woods.
Hmm!
I'm coming for you, Linda Jenkins.
Mm-hm.
So you best be ready,
cos I'm coming. Mm?
Do you hear me?
I'm coming.
Ooh!
You come yet?
That's 20 quid, please.
Aww!
Sorry I'm late, Janet.
Something came up.
Lead by example, Linda.
That's the third time now.
Sorry.
Oh, off out?
No. I always wear this
when I have a good idea.
The spiking's thrown a bit of
a spanner in the negotiations.
Oh, why?
It's unnerved the men.
But it was an accident.
But the men don't see it like that.
They're saying the experience
has left them feeling violated,
humiliated, eel-masculated.
Eel-masculated?
It's like emasculated,
but with eels.
I've, er I've looked into it,
and I think I might be able to move
some money around local budgets.
WHISPERS:
Siphon it from "elsewhere."
Get the women £85 and 63 pence
per month. Oh!
It's a bit iffy,
but what council isn't?
Oh, well done, Janet.
How about
mandatory housework training?
Like conscription,
but for chores, not wars.
Pig Man could lead it.
He was born wiping, that man.
We could think of a catchy name
for it.
Er
Clean-scription.
No.
Pan-scription.
Absolutely not.
National cervix.
Stop now, Janet.
VOICES OVERLAP:
Blessing be upon you,
O wondrous Spirits of the Dead
and honour you on this sacred night.
Until you be refreshed
and reborn again in perfect love,
we bid you each a fond farewell.
I'll turn into a witch tonight
How did you happen to find me, sir?
Thought no-one could see me now
I didn't put my clothes on
The bubble that you left then
I think it's safer than the cold
Not too late to go home now
I'll chew the pill for you
And I'm flying away
But I think I saw some turbines
Turning beneath me
Don't waste your pearls on me
I'm only a pig, I'm only a pig
I'm only a pig,
I'm only a pig
Slept beside ♪
All right, lads,
settle down, settle.
Like to say a few words, if I may.
Tonight we make history!
ALL: Yes!
We take back control!
ALL: Yes!
We make men great again!
THEY CHEER
Ploughed the ground Good for you
Could grow some plants
if you wanted to ♪
Hold your nerve.
Stand firm!
Be not afraid
for victory awaits!
THEY CHEER
Let's kill the bitches!
SILENCE FALLS
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, Brian.
No.
That's not what we're doing here.
Eh?
Broke the zip inside my stomach
Blood dripping down onto the broom
Off the broom and into the sky
Mixed with your tears
seeped to the ground
And I'm flying away
but I think ♪
Oh, has everyone been for a wee-wee?
ALL: Yes.
Cos II'm not gonna be stopping
ten times on the way. We know.
Right? OK.
Right, grab your torches
and placards.
The Women's Revolt is over.
Tonight the night we show them
what revolting looks like!
THEY CHEER
Without a broom or bubble
You learnt to fly all by yourself
You could see through the mess
You chose to float above us. ♪
INDISTINCT SPEECH
TENSE MUSIC BUILDS
MEN CLAMOUR AND BANG
Theresa Watkins, Agnes Watkins,
Linda Jenkins,
I am arresting you under the 1603
Act Against Conjuration Witchcraft
And Dealing With Evil And
Wicked Spirits.
MURMURS OF APPROVAL
We've turned a blind eye
to your dead witches' suppers
for the best part of four decades.
Well, I am ending them tonight,
in accordance with ancient forest
rules
within said hundred of
Speech House Lake.
Tie 'em up, boys.
Come on. Right.
Who's got the rope?
I ain't got it.
I told you to bring it.
Oh, for God's sake!
I mean
Right, er, you-you-you may
not wish to say something.
Er, if you, er
What is it?
Er, it may harm what you
Anything you say may be taken
in evidence, so help you God!
Right, up against the wall, women.
Who's got the handcuffs?
Get the handcuffs.
Not me. I ain't got any.
Well, what kind
of ambush is this, Brian?
Jim, Jim, I think
it's all gone a bit too far.
Huh?! This ain't feeling right
to me.
I've got the willies.
I think I just got swept up
in it all,
but what you're doing here is wrong,
and I can't, in good conscience,
be a part of it no more.
Oh, God.
Sorry, ladies,
you look right beautiful.
I like your feathers.
Oh, for God's
Sorry, ladies.
You will be incarcerated
for desertion for this, Brian!
Incarcerated! Do you hear me?
Good riddance.
DOOR SLAMS
Ha! Ha!
I don't need anyone else
to help restore natural order
to this town. You women don't
scare me. I will not be silen
THUD
CLEARS THROA
Lovely. Thanks.