The Cleaner (2021) s02e05 Episode Script
The Statue
1
Re-routing.
Turn around where possible. Eh?
Re-routing. OK OK, look.
Sure, let's re-route.
In 200 metres,
your destination is on your left.
Oh! Where did those
bollards come from?
Re-routing. Oh, look at the state
of that. Oh, my God. I'm in hell.
I'm actually in hell.
At the roundabout,
take the second exit.
I can't take the second exit
any more. In 200 metres,
go straight ahead.
Since when was that a bus lane?
Yes! Sorry!
You moron!
I'm doing my be
I'm doing my best!
Re-routing.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where?
Proceed to the route.
Oh, you heartless machine.
Re-routing. Robots are shit!
You're a shit robot!
Continue straight ahead
for one mile to your destination.
Bollards
Hello, this is the access team.
Lausen Cleaners,
I'm here for the statue.
None of us are at
our desks at the moment,
but if you leave a message after
the tone, we'll get back to you
as soon as possible. Thank you.
Hello?
Doesn't work, that, la'.
Might as well talk to a cup.
Oh, right. Well, can you
let me through, then?
I'm here for the statue.
Nah, mate, I'm sorry.
Got an outside company now
that deals with the access.
Eh? Who do I talk to, then?
I wouldn't know, my mate.
See, the department that deals
with the access company,
they're not about that much.
Based at home, mainly, you know.
It's calledagile working.
My God, the world's in a mess.
Oi! What do YOU do, then?
You're not the first
to ask that, la'.
These days, I'm unsure myself.
They say, "Do it, Vince,"
and I'll have a go.
OK.
Hiya! Whoa Sorry.
Council Officer Frankel, Pepper.
You're with the council.
Urban Redevelopment
with culture brief, yes.
And you are our valiant cleaner.
I'm a crime scene cleaner,
and your one-way system
is bloody ridiculous.
I hardly think a
£3 million-pedestrianisation
re-routing system
can be described as ridiculous.
It's rubbish.
It's rubbish.
Now, we are in
a vehicle-free zone
It's only a 15-minute or so walk
from here if we get a wriggle on.
Eh? Can you not put
these bollards down?
I'll drive across the pedestrian
area, it's a maintenance job.
Ooh, no, that's the responsibility
of the access team Access team.
..and they follow an agile working
system. They don't come to work,
I've heard, yeah. Yes.
Anyway, pop your van over there
and let's get you off to the statue.
Pop? Yes.
Yeah.
Are these shops all right? You're
making people walk a very long way.
It's just a period of adjustment.
I like to think we've given the
town a shot in the arm.
Yeah? I like to think if I hold
my stomach in when I talk to women,
I look thin.
The consensus is, people like
a low-emission town centre.
What people? There are no people.
And what's he? A mirage?
Morning!
How are we finding the
pedestrianisation zone?
You've ruined this town!
So many characters around here.
So, this new statue
..given the feelings towards the
previous incarnation of the statue,
well, that was problematic,
but once it was gone, there was
a palpable sense of relief.
Especially for me. I'd been
lobbying for years to get rid of it.
We've even had
a focus group approved
and a fully-budgeted
alternative all lined up,
and thankfully,
everyone was thrilled with it.
But then, out of the blue,
this happens.
Do you mean there was a statue
and that statue was replaced
and now someone's
vandalised that statue?
Yes.
You use a lot of words.
Your meetings must go on for ages.
Hmm, well, I'm sorry if you
find me a little verbose.
Hey, well, we're all
verbose sometimes, aren't we?
Jesus Christ,
I'm verbose as shit, myself.
You don't know what
verbose means, do you?
No.
And there it is.
Oh, my God.
Quite striking, isn't it?
We wanted something that reflected
a rich period in the town's history,
so we did some research and then
Put a big bollock on a plinth.
Put a what?
A big bollock.
A giant plum. A huge gonad.
It's not a gonad. It's a sweet meat.
A nut. A teabag.
It's a knick-knack. A knacker.
A love spud.
It's a purple popper.
It's a Jacob.
I know one of grandfather's
clock weights when I see it.
I'm finding this
quite triggering, actually.
Who's triggered? I'm triggered.
Hello. I'm Wicky. You've put
a big testicle in your town.
It'sa chickpea.
Is it? Yes!
Why? Because the town
used to import chickpeas.
I've been coming to
this town for years.
No-one's ever mentioned chickpeas.
1856-1858. It was quite the hub.
What's that on it?
Goose blood, we think.
Oh, God, is that part of
council training these days,
identifying bird blood?
Is that what we're wasting
taxpayers' money on?
There's a goose beak down there.
All right, Midsomer Murders,
keep your clogs on.
Can you clean it, or not?
Of course I can.
You will have a gleaming
golden plum within the hour.
Did you actually wink at me?
Do you know what? As I did it,
I thought,
"I've misjudged
my wink audience here."
It's funny, isn't it? I winked
at a lollipop lady earlier
and she let me go before the kids.
Cos some women
I am amazed you didn't wolf-whistle.
At Jan?
She's hearing impaired.
There's no point.
Shouldn't be in the job,
really, to be honest with you.
It's bloody dangerous.
Right. Must go.
I've got a planning
subcommittee to attend.
You going to put a big boob
on the town hall steps?
Pardon? Eh?
Oh, nothing.
You'd better get
a wriggle on - it's miles away.
Morning!
I've bloody chipped it.
I'm glad you agree.
It is a carbuncle.
Hello.
You're not a photographer.
I'm not. And you're not a hurdler.
What?
Sorry, I thought it was a game.
I'm here to clean.
The public toilets are over there.
Oh, fair warning.
I defecated in each of the
stalls myself,
to make a point.
God, you must be starving.
I'm not here for the bogs.
I'm here for the big,
golden ball bag.
Oh, no, no. No, no.
This doesn't need cleaning. Move on.
Eh? It's covered in blood.
Yes, goose blood.
Damn near three buckets of it.
Walk on.
Right. Well, this isn't a question
I thought I'd be asking,
but was it you that threw
goose blood
onto the big, bronze chickpea,
madam?
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
Is that goose blood
on your tweed skirt?
Perhaps.
OK. I've got lots of questions
jostling for position now,
but the frontrunner is, why?
Why would a woman want to
take a stand about
the demise of a previously
thriving market town?
Why would a lady seek to have
a symbolic carbuncle removed
from a place where she
once ran free, as a child?
It is a mystery, isn't it?
In much the same way as why
would an illiterate
be sent to end a legitimate
protest with his mop?
Illiterate?
I've just finished reading
The Deathly Hallows.
OK. Fun's over. Clean-up time.
This is not fun!
This is popular protest.
I have a legal right to undertake it
and until the local press arrive
to document it,
I will defend that right.
You've got the time it takes me
to finish mixing these chemicals,
and then it is with great regret
that I shall be cleaning
this statue, regardless.
I am playing darts
in my local team tonight,
and for some reason, none of
those boys can hit a double ten.
Some genetic abnormality of some
kind, but that is where I come in.
Because I never miss it.
A game. A shot. In the mitch.
To the Brummie bomber.
Do you have a carer?
Yeah, I do. And here he is.
Yes, I'm there now.
Well, there are complications.
Not long, but I'm
I'm doing my best.
What are you doing?
Believe in the power of
popular protest, yet?
I'm going to have to go back to the
van now, it's bloody miles away!
Down with this chickpea!
Down with all chickpeas.
The chickpea does not speak for us!
Hey! Bloody right!
This is going to make me
pro-chickpea, if anything.
I'm the chickpea!
# We shall not
We shall not be moved
# We shall not #
Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry, I'll get my stuff.
# We shall not #
I'll go back to the van again.
Yeah. I'll go back again,
no problem!
Jesus Christ!
# We shall not
# We shall not be moved
# We shall #
I'm the chickpea!
I'm the chickpea!
# We shall not
We shall not be moved. #
What the..?
Ooh, now, there is some
suggestion that the supermarket
we gave planning permission for
has drawn trade away
from the town centre,
but I'm excited to hear
your ideas for regeneration.
Barbara. A vegan cheesemonger.
Why not? Yes, I mean, that's
just the sort of lateral thinking
that'll get people coming back.
Why don't we give free
coffee to blue badge holders?
Uh, well Jackpot.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I need to speak to you.
This is not the time or the place.
I need to speak to you now.
You can't just
pull me out of a meeting.
Your voice probably needs a rest.
Someone's locked
all my chemicals up.
Yes, well, you left them unattended.
The health and safety
team have had to impound them.
An infant may have consumed them.
You told me to leave my van there.
And where's this plague
of infants coming from?
Where's the health and safety team?
They are centralised in Cardiff
and our representatives are
on a course this afternoon.
You're not going to get your bloody
chickpea cleaned, then are you?
Some woman's poured away
my remaining chemicals.
Oh, God, I bet she has.
I knew she'd be back.
You know her? Now, you listen to me.
How you clean that statue
is your concern.
But if it is not cleaned,
your boss will lose
a very lucrative council contract.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to
go and speak too much in a meeting.
All right, la'? How's it going?
They've taken all
my cleaning stuff, Vince.
Health and safety team are all agile
working this afternoon, kiddo.
You'll have to contact Cardiff.
I've got to get it done today.
This place is insane!
What you need is someone
who's worked here so long
..got the keys to everything.
See? I didn't mind the wink at all!
There you go, kiddo.
Jackpot. Thanks, mate.
Ah. That's the old statue, is it?
Oh, yeah, that's him.
Old Ryce Dennison.
Daft-looking fella.
You know, when we was kids,
we used to climb on top of him,
pretend that we were all
off to cause mayhem.
Which committee
dragged him down, then?
I don't know which one,
but I know where they are.
All at home in their pyjamas?
Spot on, mate.
For God's sake, where did
you get the chain from?
Britain!
# Land of hope and glory
# Mother of the free
# We will always adore thee
# Even though #
Look, this is starting to feel
like one of my cheese dreams.
I can't keep doing that walk.
I'm very fat.
Yes, I can see you're a product
of the fast-food generation.
Burgers, microwave pizzas,
chicken nuggets, chicken
You wouldn't know a
Sussex Bantam if I threw one at you.
Look, I can see why you
might not like the chickpea
I DESPISE it.
But then, I would.
My name, sir,
is Lucille Ryce Dennison.
Ryce Dennison?
Is that the
Is that the old statue?
Colonel Sir William Arthur
Balfour Ryce Dennison.
And I, his great-great-great niece.
Right. So that's why you're here.
I've just seen him at the town hall.
Fair play,
he's a fine-looking fellow.
A revered colonial governor.
A man of impeccable breeding
and a woefully-underrated
watercolour landscape painter.
Eh Replaced by a chickpea!
Look, you might have a point,
but, come on,
my boss is going to go mad
if I don't complete the work order.
Oh, only following orders, are we?
Just like the Nazis.
Bloody hell, we got there
a bit quick, didn't we?
Bet you would have loved to have
buffed statues of the Fuhrer
while the Wehrmacht
goosestepped by.
They liked to erase history, too!
Look, can I just clean round you?
Never! Never!
Ow! Ow, never!
Augh! Never! Oh, really? Yes,
really.
See, if I miss this darts match
Darts, ha-ha!
An opiate to the masses, the man
that once stood on this plinth.
Put this town on the map!
He who sang its name
through the corridors of power,
tossed it to the winds of
the Americas,
whispered to the waters
of the East Indies.
But now, they seek to pretend
he didn't exist.
# Land of hope and glory
# Mother of the free
# I will always adore thee #
What do you mean,
she's chained herself to it?
British chains, apparently.
Ugh, bloody woman.
Well, she's got a point.
Oh, she's got a point, has she?
And you share her precious point?
Well, she's related to
old whatshisname, isn't she?
She's not going to be into
a golden knacker. Ryce Dennison.
Yes, the colonel himself.
And she's told you ALL
about him, no doubt.
Yes. Very good at watercolours.
Look, I know he looks
a bit old-fashioned,
but come on, he's better
than a golden gland.
She told you about his use
of slave labour, I presume?
Sla..? Slaves?
What did you say, slaves?
Slave? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
we don't say "slave".
We say"hello". Yes.
She usually misses that bit out.
Renowned benefactor who sat
drinking port with his friends
while a subjugated people
did the work.
There you go, mate. Thanks, Vince.
Don't tell the maintenance team,
whatever you do,
when they get back from
the health and safety conference.
See, I'm not supposed to
lend them out.
So this woman,
what's she protesting about?
Who? Her?
Protest?
Oh, God, I don't know.
You'd have to ask her. Don't ask me.
Why are you asking me, Vince?
I don't know.
I can't stand around chatting
to you. I've got to go.
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Lovely.
# Bring me my bow of burning gold
# Bring me my arrows of desire
# Bring #
What? What?!
Right. Move.
New information has come to light
and I'm about to buff a chickpea.
Going to struggle to clean
without your mop, aren't you?
That is not a mop.
That is a microfibre,
polypropylene bisom.
It's a piece of
specialist equipment.
And as a specialist
..I always carry a spare.
En garde! Augh! Ha-ha!
Ugh! Suck on that!
Bloody hell.
Yield!
That's how we do it.
Ridiculous. Can't a man
do his job in peace? Nutter.
What did you call me?
One soapy bollockcoming up.
Puh.
Am I going to go bald? No.
The acidity is much the same
as household vinegar.
If anything, you might
see a bit more shine,
a reduction in frizz.
Really? I might try that at home.
Cider vinegar's best.
Apparently.
Well, that got a bit
out of hand, didn't it?
In that you decided to have
a fight with a woman, yes.
Why are you so desperate to stop me?
Look, I know you're proud
of the colonel and everything
and I don't really want to
be the one to tell you, but
..apparently he used slaves.
He had what?
He used slaves.
You sound like you've had a stroke.
Speak your mind, sir.
He used slaves!
We're all slaves!
Mate, have you not
got anything to do?
Nope. Fair enough.
So And who didn't, in that era?
All the ruling classes did.
Yes, but it's wrong!
It is, and I'm sure he wouldn't
have done it if he were alive today.
Hang on Do you believe
we can't have a statue of anyone
who did things we
didn't approve of today?
Well Let's get Winston Churchill
pulled down, shall we?
Oh, Gandhi had some
pretty unhealthy views.
Let's draft a letter to the
Indian government, shall we?
Yeah, I know, but I hope you
won't be watching Goldfinger
on television this Christmas.
Sean Connery said
it was OK to slap a woman.
You leave Bond out of it.
Sorry, if you don't mind, sorry.
I respect all women, madam.
Thank you, sorry.
Not quite as simple
as you thought, is it?
Look, I just want to
go and play darts.
The two Johnnies will
go mad if I don't turn up.
And who are the two Johnnies
when they're at home?
Oh, it's one bloke called Johnny,
he's just had the same condom
in his wallet since 1994.
He's a bloody good darts
captain, though, so
Look, can we compromise?
I'll get the worst of it off, and
then if your photographer turns up,
I'll splash some stuff on it, make
it look like there's been a protest.
What the..? Congratulations.
You've just become part
of a popular protest.
Fancy a snack?
How about a nice, little key?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Mmm-mmm, yum, yum, yum.
Oh, my God!
# Land of hope and glory #
Enough!
You've just seen this in a film,
haven't you?
Yes, all right.
Lucille, this has got to stop.
Over my dead body,
Council Officer Fran.
So you two actually know each other?
In so far as you can know
a jingoistic dinosaur.
Or a politically correct fool,
who would rip the heart out of
a town to avoid offending anyone.
He ruined people's lives.
Oh, yes, let's erase history,
and replace it with
utter meaningless tosh.
Could you not put the colonel's
statue in a museum? Oh, please!
Like we haven't heard that before.
No? It's in the way
like a dirty secret.
We need to educate, not deny.
What about a little plaque
at the bottom of the statue
saying about all the bad stuff
he did? Good idea.
Yes, an apologetic
little sign saying,
"Sorry, we're celebrating
a monster."
You can't erase a town's history.
People need to know from whence
they came, good and bad.
Oh, so you're the voice
of the people now?
Yes, I thought chucking blood
at a statue
was rather reminiscent of mob rule.
And keeping the truth from the
people smacks of a bloody dictator,
Chairwoman Mao.
Don't you "Chairwoman Mao" me,
you one-woman gang of thugs.
Did anyone ask people from the town?
What?
Did either of you think to
ask the people who matter?
Black people!
Oh, good point! No!
That's not what I meant!
Ooh, yes, he has got a point. No!
Who do we know? I don't know, um
Vince!
Why don't we ask Vince?
Why don't we? Good!
No, that's not what I meant!
Come along, come along No
Come on, cleaner.
Off you come. We can't do this!
I'm sure he'll have an insight
into a lineage of pain.
And I'm sure he'll be
intelligent enough
to put it into historical
perspective.
For the last time, I don't think
we should do this, ladies. Come on.
This is insensitive.
This is exploitation.
And I've got a darts match!
Oh, well done, Vince.
So, what are youse on about?
They're talking about the statues,
Vince.
The chickpea is meaningless.
He'll want the town to
celebrate its past, warts and all.
Better to have a symbol
of hate, then, is it?
We are talking about the colonel?
A flawed man, but a
beautifully-made, historic statue.
Made a good climbing frame,
to be fair.
Vince, why are you being so blase?
Your heritage, the suffering
What are you on about?
Vince, I'm sorry to have to
break it to you,
but the colonel was someone
who utilised subjugated labour.
As did all the ruling classes
of the time.
You what?
He used slaves, Vince.
Oh, yeah, I know about that.
Wait, you do?
Of course I do.
Grew up here, didn't I?
Then you'll have a view on it.
You'll want the history of
the town acknowledged
and the aesthetic preserved.
Or the shame removed.
And why would I have
such strong opinions?
Well, bbecause
You're ..becausewell
You're
Don't do this.
Because you're black.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
I am!
So?
So? Should the statue
have been pulled down or not?
Yeah, I'm glad they
got rid of the old git.
Progress.
Vince is a progressive, I knew it.
I'll see you're on a mural
for this, Vince.
But you used to climb on the statue.
It's part of your childhood.
Yeah, we did. And me arl fella
used to laugh.
Go on, kids, that's it.
"Let the old bastard
carry you for a change."
Didn't lobby to have it
taken down, though?
No. No-one knew it was
even an option back then.
I mean, me arl fella's glad
he's gone. I'm glad he's gone.
Thank you. But I don't think
he should have been replaced
by a bleeding chickpea. Thank you!
130 grand, that thing cost.
You what?!
For a big, brass gonad?
Sorry. Sorry, this is important.
You carry on.
I mean, it's pretty disgusting
in this day and age,
people struggling to make ends meet,
that you waste money
on something like that.
I wouldn't mind, but the kids
can't even climb on it.
Vince, you haven't engaged
with the debate.
You weren't at any of
the consultation meetings.
I did send a petition.
You didn't sign it.
Now, listen to me, youse two.
I have got to cut some poor kid
out the railings,
and then someone's broken down
in the one-way lane,
so I'll have to get
the tow truck out.
And THEN, on the fifth floor,
one of those venetian
blinds is stuck,
and the woman's trying to show
slides about river pollution,
and THEN, it's the end of my shift,
and I am hoping
to make the tail end
of my granddaughter's
birthday party.
Now, I am so grateful that youse two
have given me permission to protest,
but like my arl fella before me,
I'm going to get on
and leave youse to bicker,
if it's all the same with you.
I know someone who'd have
made that chickpea for 300 quid.
Anyway Shame on you both.
What's going on?
This is coming down.
Eh? I've only just
finished cleaning it.
It's getting melted down.
Offensive, apparently.
Mind you, this can't be it.
This is a statue of some colonel,
it says here.
This looks like a massive
A bollock?
Yeah. Yeah,
it's the colonel's bollock.
You got the right statue.
Yeah, I should check. No, no, you're
all right. I'm with the council.
Not seen you about before.
No, I'm an agile worker.
I'm normally at home.
Itchycoo Park
by Small Faces
# Over bridge of sighs
# To rest my eyes
in shades of green #
All right, Vince? Oh, hello.
Just getting off. Yeah, listen,
I thought I'd give you
a lift to your party.
I I've had an idea.
# What did you do there?
# I got high
# What did you feel there?
# Well, I cried
# But, why the tears there?
# Tell you why
# It's all too beautiful #
# It's all too beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
It's all too beautiful
# Ha
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# Ha
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
Beautiful. #
Re-routing.
Turn around where possible. Eh?
Re-routing. OK OK, look.
Sure, let's re-route.
In 200 metres,
your destination is on your left.
Oh! Where did those
bollards come from?
Re-routing. Oh, look at the state
of that. Oh, my God. I'm in hell.
I'm actually in hell.
At the roundabout,
take the second exit.
I can't take the second exit
any more. In 200 metres,
go straight ahead.
Since when was that a bus lane?
Yes! Sorry!
You moron!
I'm doing my be
I'm doing my best!
Re-routing.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where?
Proceed to the route.
Oh, you heartless machine.
Re-routing. Robots are shit!
You're a shit robot!
Continue straight ahead
for one mile to your destination.
Bollards
Hello, this is the access team.
Lausen Cleaners,
I'm here for the statue.
None of us are at
our desks at the moment,
but if you leave a message after
the tone, we'll get back to you
as soon as possible. Thank you.
Hello?
Doesn't work, that, la'.
Might as well talk to a cup.
Oh, right. Well, can you
let me through, then?
I'm here for the statue.
Nah, mate, I'm sorry.
Got an outside company now
that deals with the access.
Eh? Who do I talk to, then?
I wouldn't know, my mate.
See, the department that deals
with the access company,
they're not about that much.
Based at home, mainly, you know.
It's calledagile working.
My God, the world's in a mess.
Oi! What do YOU do, then?
You're not the first
to ask that, la'.
These days, I'm unsure myself.
They say, "Do it, Vince,"
and I'll have a go.
OK.
Hiya! Whoa Sorry.
Council Officer Frankel, Pepper.
You're with the council.
Urban Redevelopment
with culture brief, yes.
And you are our valiant cleaner.
I'm a crime scene cleaner,
and your one-way system
is bloody ridiculous.
I hardly think a
£3 million-pedestrianisation
re-routing system
can be described as ridiculous.
It's rubbish.
It's rubbish.
Now, we are in
a vehicle-free zone
It's only a 15-minute or so walk
from here if we get a wriggle on.
Eh? Can you not put
these bollards down?
I'll drive across the pedestrian
area, it's a maintenance job.
Ooh, no, that's the responsibility
of the access team Access team.
..and they follow an agile working
system. They don't come to work,
I've heard, yeah. Yes.
Anyway, pop your van over there
and let's get you off to the statue.
Pop? Yes.
Yeah.
Are these shops all right? You're
making people walk a very long way.
It's just a period of adjustment.
I like to think we've given the
town a shot in the arm.
Yeah? I like to think if I hold
my stomach in when I talk to women,
I look thin.
The consensus is, people like
a low-emission town centre.
What people? There are no people.
And what's he? A mirage?
Morning!
How are we finding the
pedestrianisation zone?
You've ruined this town!
So many characters around here.
So, this new statue
..given the feelings towards the
previous incarnation of the statue,
well, that was problematic,
but once it was gone, there was
a palpable sense of relief.
Especially for me. I'd been
lobbying for years to get rid of it.
We've even had
a focus group approved
and a fully-budgeted
alternative all lined up,
and thankfully,
everyone was thrilled with it.
But then, out of the blue,
this happens.
Do you mean there was a statue
and that statue was replaced
and now someone's
vandalised that statue?
Yes.
You use a lot of words.
Your meetings must go on for ages.
Hmm, well, I'm sorry if you
find me a little verbose.
Hey, well, we're all
verbose sometimes, aren't we?
Jesus Christ,
I'm verbose as shit, myself.
You don't know what
verbose means, do you?
No.
And there it is.
Oh, my God.
Quite striking, isn't it?
We wanted something that reflected
a rich period in the town's history,
so we did some research and then
Put a big bollock on a plinth.
Put a what?
A big bollock.
A giant plum. A huge gonad.
It's not a gonad. It's a sweet meat.
A nut. A teabag.
It's a knick-knack. A knacker.
A love spud.
It's a purple popper.
It's a Jacob.
I know one of grandfather's
clock weights when I see it.
I'm finding this
quite triggering, actually.
Who's triggered? I'm triggered.
Hello. I'm Wicky. You've put
a big testicle in your town.
It'sa chickpea.
Is it? Yes!
Why? Because the town
used to import chickpeas.
I've been coming to
this town for years.
No-one's ever mentioned chickpeas.
1856-1858. It was quite the hub.
What's that on it?
Goose blood, we think.
Oh, God, is that part of
council training these days,
identifying bird blood?
Is that what we're wasting
taxpayers' money on?
There's a goose beak down there.
All right, Midsomer Murders,
keep your clogs on.
Can you clean it, or not?
Of course I can.
You will have a gleaming
golden plum within the hour.
Did you actually wink at me?
Do you know what? As I did it,
I thought,
"I've misjudged
my wink audience here."
It's funny, isn't it? I winked
at a lollipop lady earlier
and she let me go before the kids.
Cos some women
I am amazed you didn't wolf-whistle.
At Jan?
She's hearing impaired.
There's no point.
Shouldn't be in the job,
really, to be honest with you.
It's bloody dangerous.
Right. Must go.
I've got a planning
subcommittee to attend.
You going to put a big boob
on the town hall steps?
Pardon? Eh?
Oh, nothing.
You'd better get
a wriggle on - it's miles away.
Morning!
I've bloody chipped it.
I'm glad you agree.
It is a carbuncle.
Hello.
You're not a photographer.
I'm not. And you're not a hurdler.
What?
Sorry, I thought it was a game.
I'm here to clean.
The public toilets are over there.
Oh, fair warning.
I defecated in each of the
stalls myself,
to make a point.
God, you must be starving.
I'm not here for the bogs.
I'm here for the big,
golden ball bag.
Oh, no, no. No, no.
This doesn't need cleaning. Move on.
Eh? It's covered in blood.
Yes, goose blood.
Damn near three buckets of it.
Walk on.
Right. Well, this isn't a question
I thought I'd be asking,
but was it you that threw
goose blood
onto the big, bronze chickpea,
madam?
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
Is that goose blood
on your tweed skirt?
Perhaps.
OK. I've got lots of questions
jostling for position now,
but the frontrunner is, why?
Why would a woman want to
take a stand about
the demise of a previously
thriving market town?
Why would a lady seek to have
a symbolic carbuncle removed
from a place where she
once ran free, as a child?
It is a mystery, isn't it?
In much the same way as why
would an illiterate
be sent to end a legitimate
protest with his mop?
Illiterate?
I've just finished reading
The Deathly Hallows.
OK. Fun's over. Clean-up time.
This is not fun!
This is popular protest.
I have a legal right to undertake it
and until the local press arrive
to document it,
I will defend that right.
You've got the time it takes me
to finish mixing these chemicals,
and then it is with great regret
that I shall be cleaning
this statue, regardless.
I am playing darts
in my local team tonight,
and for some reason, none of
those boys can hit a double ten.
Some genetic abnormality of some
kind, but that is where I come in.
Because I never miss it.
A game. A shot. In the mitch.
To the Brummie bomber.
Do you have a carer?
Yeah, I do. And here he is.
Yes, I'm there now.
Well, there are complications.
Not long, but I'm
I'm doing my best.
What are you doing?
Believe in the power of
popular protest, yet?
I'm going to have to go back to the
van now, it's bloody miles away!
Down with this chickpea!
Down with all chickpeas.
The chickpea does not speak for us!
Hey! Bloody right!
This is going to make me
pro-chickpea, if anything.
I'm the chickpea!
# We shall not
We shall not be moved
# We shall not #
Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry, I'll get my stuff.
# We shall not #
I'll go back to the van again.
Yeah. I'll go back again,
no problem!
Jesus Christ!
# We shall not
# We shall not be moved
# We shall #
I'm the chickpea!
I'm the chickpea!
# We shall not
We shall not be moved. #
What the..?
Ooh, now, there is some
suggestion that the supermarket
we gave planning permission for
has drawn trade away
from the town centre,
but I'm excited to hear
your ideas for regeneration.
Barbara. A vegan cheesemonger.
Why not? Yes, I mean, that's
just the sort of lateral thinking
that'll get people coming back.
Why don't we give free
coffee to blue badge holders?
Uh, well Jackpot.
Will you excuse me for a moment?
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I need to speak to you.
This is not the time or the place.
I need to speak to you now.
You can't just
pull me out of a meeting.
Your voice probably needs a rest.
Someone's locked
all my chemicals up.
Yes, well, you left them unattended.
The health and safety
team have had to impound them.
An infant may have consumed them.
You told me to leave my van there.
And where's this plague
of infants coming from?
Where's the health and safety team?
They are centralised in Cardiff
and our representatives are
on a course this afternoon.
You're not going to get your bloody
chickpea cleaned, then are you?
Some woman's poured away
my remaining chemicals.
Oh, God, I bet she has.
I knew she'd be back.
You know her? Now, you listen to me.
How you clean that statue
is your concern.
But if it is not cleaned,
your boss will lose
a very lucrative council contract.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to
go and speak too much in a meeting.
All right, la'? How's it going?
They've taken all
my cleaning stuff, Vince.
Health and safety team are all agile
working this afternoon, kiddo.
You'll have to contact Cardiff.
I've got to get it done today.
This place is insane!
What you need is someone
who's worked here so long
..got the keys to everything.
See? I didn't mind the wink at all!
There you go, kiddo.
Jackpot. Thanks, mate.
Ah. That's the old statue, is it?
Oh, yeah, that's him.
Old Ryce Dennison.
Daft-looking fella.
You know, when we was kids,
we used to climb on top of him,
pretend that we were all
off to cause mayhem.
Which committee
dragged him down, then?
I don't know which one,
but I know where they are.
All at home in their pyjamas?
Spot on, mate.
For God's sake, where did
you get the chain from?
Britain!
# Land of hope and glory
# Mother of the free
# We will always adore thee
# Even though #
Look, this is starting to feel
like one of my cheese dreams.
I can't keep doing that walk.
I'm very fat.
Yes, I can see you're a product
of the fast-food generation.
Burgers, microwave pizzas,
chicken nuggets, chicken
You wouldn't know a
Sussex Bantam if I threw one at you.
Look, I can see why you
might not like the chickpea
I DESPISE it.
But then, I would.
My name, sir,
is Lucille Ryce Dennison.
Ryce Dennison?
Is that the
Is that the old statue?
Colonel Sir William Arthur
Balfour Ryce Dennison.
And I, his great-great-great niece.
Right. So that's why you're here.
I've just seen him at the town hall.
Fair play,
he's a fine-looking fellow.
A revered colonial governor.
A man of impeccable breeding
and a woefully-underrated
watercolour landscape painter.
Eh Replaced by a chickpea!
Look, you might have a point,
but, come on,
my boss is going to go mad
if I don't complete the work order.
Oh, only following orders, are we?
Just like the Nazis.
Bloody hell, we got there
a bit quick, didn't we?
Bet you would have loved to have
buffed statues of the Fuhrer
while the Wehrmacht
goosestepped by.
They liked to erase history, too!
Look, can I just clean round you?
Never! Never!
Ow! Ow, never!
Augh! Never! Oh, really? Yes,
really.
See, if I miss this darts match
Darts, ha-ha!
An opiate to the masses, the man
that once stood on this plinth.
Put this town on the map!
He who sang its name
through the corridors of power,
tossed it to the winds of
the Americas,
whispered to the waters
of the East Indies.
But now, they seek to pretend
he didn't exist.
# Land of hope and glory
# Mother of the free
# I will always adore thee #
What do you mean,
she's chained herself to it?
British chains, apparently.
Ugh, bloody woman.
Well, she's got a point.
Oh, she's got a point, has she?
And you share her precious point?
Well, she's related to
old whatshisname, isn't she?
She's not going to be into
a golden knacker. Ryce Dennison.
Yes, the colonel himself.
And she's told you ALL
about him, no doubt.
Yes. Very good at watercolours.
Look, I know he looks
a bit old-fashioned,
but come on, he's better
than a golden gland.
She told you about his use
of slave labour, I presume?
Sla..? Slaves?
What did you say, slaves?
Slave? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
we don't say "slave".
We say"hello". Yes.
She usually misses that bit out.
Renowned benefactor who sat
drinking port with his friends
while a subjugated people
did the work.
There you go, mate. Thanks, Vince.
Don't tell the maintenance team,
whatever you do,
when they get back from
the health and safety conference.
See, I'm not supposed to
lend them out.
So this woman,
what's she protesting about?
Who? Her?
Protest?
Oh, God, I don't know.
You'd have to ask her. Don't ask me.
Why are you asking me, Vince?
I don't know.
I can't stand around chatting
to you. I've got to go.
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Lovely.
# Bring me my bow of burning gold
# Bring me my arrows of desire
# Bring #
What? What?!
Right. Move.
New information has come to light
and I'm about to buff a chickpea.
Going to struggle to clean
without your mop, aren't you?
That is not a mop.
That is a microfibre,
polypropylene bisom.
It's a piece of
specialist equipment.
And as a specialist
..I always carry a spare.
En garde! Augh! Ha-ha!
Ugh! Suck on that!
Bloody hell.
Yield!
That's how we do it.
Ridiculous. Can't a man
do his job in peace? Nutter.
What did you call me?
One soapy bollockcoming up.
Puh.
Am I going to go bald? No.
The acidity is much the same
as household vinegar.
If anything, you might
see a bit more shine,
a reduction in frizz.
Really? I might try that at home.
Cider vinegar's best.
Apparently.
Well, that got a bit
out of hand, didn't it?
In that you decided to have
a fight with a woman, yes.
Why are you so desperate to stop me?
Look, I know you're proud
of the colonel and everything
and I don't really want to
be the one to tell you, but
..apparently he used slaves.
He had what?
He used slaves.
You sound like you've had a stroke.
Speak your mind, sir.
He used slaves!
We're all slaves!
Mate, have you not
got anything to do?
Nope. Fair enough.
So And who didn't, in that era?
All the ruling classes did.
Yes, but it's wrong!
It is, and I'm sure he wouldn't
have done it if he were alive today.
Hang on Do you believe
we can't have a statue of anyone
who did things we
didn't approve of today?
Well Let's get Winston Churchill
pulled down, shall we?
Oh, Gandhi had some
pretty unhealthy views.
Let's draft a letter to the
Indian government, shall we?
Yeah, I know, but I hope you
won't be watching Goldfinger
on television this Christmas.
Sean Connery said
it was OK to slap a woman.
You leave Bond out of it.
Sorry, if you don't mind, sorry.
I respect all women, madam.
Thank you, sorry.
Not quite as simple
as you thought, is it?
Look, I just want to
go and play darts.
The two Johnnies will
go mad if I don't turn up.
And who are the two Johnnies
when they're at home?
Oh, it's one bloke called Johnny,
he's just had the same condom
in his wallet since 1994.
He's a bloody good darts
captain, though, so
Look, can we compromise?
I'll get the worst of it off, and
then if your photographer turns up,
I'll splash some stuff on it, make
it look like there's been a protest.
What the..? Congratulations.
You've just become part
of a popular protest.
Fancy a snack?
How about a nice, little key?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Mmm-mmm, yum, yum, yum.
Oh, my God!
# Land of hope and glory #
Enough!
You've just seen this in a film,
haven't you?
Yes, all right.
Lucille, this has got to stop.
Over my dead body,
Council Officer Fran.
So you two actually know each other?
In so far as you can know
a jingoistic dinosaur.
Or a politically correct fool,
who would rip the heart out of
a town to avoid offending anyone.
He ruined people's lives.
Oh, yes, let's erase history,
and replace it with
utter meaningless tosh.
Could you not put the colonel's
statue in a museum? Oh, please!
Like we haven't heard that before.
No? It's in the way
like a dirty secret.
We need to educate, not deny.
What about a little plaque
at the bottom of the statue
saying about all the bad stuff
he did? Good idea.
Yes, an apologetic
little sign saying,
"Sorry, we're celebrating
a monster."
You can't erase a town's history.
People need to know from whence
they came, good and bad.
Oh, so you're the voice
of the people now?
Yes, I thought chucking blood
at a statue
was rather reminiscent of mob rule.
And keeping the truth from the
people smacks of a bloody dictator,
Chairwoman Mao.
Don't you "Chairwoman Mao" me,
you one-woman gang of thugs.
Did anyone ask people from the town?
What?
Did either of you think to
ask the people who matter?
Black people!
Oh, good point! No!
That's not what I meant!
Ooh, yes, he has got a point. No!
Who do we know? I don't know, um
Vince!
Why don't we ask Vince?
Why don't we? Good!
No, that's not what I meant!
Come along, come along No
Come on, cleaner.
Off you come. We can't do this!
I'm sure he'll have an insight
into a lineage of pain.
And I'm sure he'll be
intelligent enough
to put it into historical
perspective.
For the last time, I don't think
we should do this, ladies. Come on.
This is insensitive.
This is exploitation.
And I've got a darts match!
Oh, well done, Vince.
So, what are youse on about?
They're talking about the statues,
Vince.
The chickpea is meaningless.
He'll want the town to
celebrate its past, warts and all.
Better to have a symbol
of hate, then, is it?
We are talking about the colonel?
A flawed man, but a
beautifully-made, historic statue.
Made a good climbing frame,
to be fair.
Vince, why are you being so blase?
Your heritage, the suffering
What are you on about?
Vince, I'm sorry to have to
break it to you,
but the colonel was someone
who utilised subjugated labour.
As did all the ruling classes
of the time.
You what?
He used slaves, Vince.
Oh, yeah, I know about that.
Wait, you do?
Of course I do.
Grew up here, didn't I?
Then you'll have a view on it.
You'll want the history of
the town acknowledged
and the aesthetic preserved.
Or the shame removed.
And why would I have
such strong opinions?
Well, bbecause
You're ..becausewell
You're
Don't do this.
Because you're black.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
I am!
So?
So? Should the statue
have been pulled down or not?
Yeah, I'm glad they
got rid of the old git.
Progress.
Vince is a progressive, I knew it.
I'll see you're on a mural
for this, Vince.
But you used to climb on the statue.
It's part of your childhood.
Yeah, we did. And me arl fella
used to laugh.
Go on, kids, that's it.
"Let the old bastard
carry you for a change."
Didn't lobby to have it
taken down, though?
No. No-one knew it was
even an option back then.
I mean, me arl fella's glad
he's gone. I'm glad he's gone.
Thank you. But I don't think
he should have been replaced
by a bleeding chickpea. Thank you!
130 grand, that thing cost.
You what?!
For a big, brass gonad?
Sorry. Sorry, this is important.
You carry on.
I mean, it's pretty disgusting
in this day and age,
people struggling to make ends meet,
that you waste money
on something like that.
I wouldn't mind, but the kids
can't even climb on it.
Vince, you haven't engaged
with the debate.
You weren't at any of
the consultation meetings.
I did send a petition.
You didn't sign it.
Now, listen to me, youse two.
I have got to cut some poor kid
out the railings,
and then someone's broken down
in the one-way lane,
so I'll have to get
the tow truck out.
And THEN, on the fifth floor,
one of those venetian
blinds is stuck,
and the woman's trying to show
slides about river pollution,
and THEN, it's the end of my shift,
and I am hoping
to make the tail end
of my granddaughter's
birthday party.
Now, I am so grateful that youse two
have given me permission to protest,
but like my arl fella before me,
I'm going to get on
and leave youse to bicker,
if it's all the same with you.
I know someone who'd have
made that chickpea for 300 quid.
Anyway Shame on you both.
What's going on?
This is coming down.
Eh? I've only just
finished cleaning it.
It's getting melted down.
Offensive, apparently.
Mind you, this can't be it.
This is a statue of some colonel,
it says here.
This looks like a massive
A bollock?
Yeah. Yeah,
it's the colonel's bollock.
You got the right statue.
Yeah, I should check. No, no, you're
all right. I'm with the council.
Not seen you about before.
No, I'm an agile worker.
I'm normally at home.
Itchycoo Park
by Small Faces
# Over bridge of sighs
# To rest my eyes
in shades of green #
All right, Vince? Oh, hello.
Just getting off. Yeah, listen,
I thought I'd give you
a lift to your party.
I I've had an idea.
# What did you do there?
# I got high
# What did you feel there?
# Well, I cried
# But, why the tears there?
# Tell you why
# It's all too beautiful #
# It's all too beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
It's all too beautiful
# Ha
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# Ha
# It's all too beautiful
# Beautiful
# It's all too beautiful
Beautiful. #