The Other One (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

1
Right, vectors.
Oh, God, we've got so much
to get through.
Hey, relax. You're going to nail it.
And you've got all of tomorrow
to revise. I don't.
I've got that stupid, dumb
family thing to go to.
Just bail, then.
Why don't you come mine?
We'll get some edibles
off my cousin, you know.
Take the edge off the nerves.
No. I can't.
I promised Angela
I'd get Callum along
to their bloody Northern Soul night,
which is annoying,
cos the last person
I want to see is bloody Cathy.
APPROACHING: Come on, Angela. Have
a look at some of my stuff. Shit.
When are you going to tell your
family about this maths exam?
Never. I just don't
want the pressure.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Are you all right, guys? Yeah.
Yes, Cat's mum.
Just got to get to the wardrobe.
Now, what do you think?
There is this one,
and then there's this one.
God, I've missed all this.
Mm, I am gagging to get
back on the dance floor.
It's the closest I've come to
ecstasy outside the bedroom.
I feelflushed just
thinking about it.
I feel sick.
What if Callum doesn't
want to talk to me?
Are you kidding me?
A Northern Soul night
is like dancing in
a big throbbing heart.
If you can't kiss and make up
to a bit of Sandi Sheldon
and a bag of amphetamines,
it's a lost cause.
If Callum doesn't want to see
Angela, you shouldn't force it.
ALL: Shut up, Deggs. Come on.
Oh!
Sorry, forgot my girdle.
Oi. What? Don't you dare
wank over my mum.
Sorry.
HE SIGHS
Right, vectors. Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm pinching myself.
I can't believe I get to wake up to
your cute button nose every morning.
ALARM RINGS
Whoa.
Oh. Sorrysorry.
I've just got my first day
with my new team
so I just wanted to make triply
sure that I didn't over-sleep.
Wow. OK. Well, er,
can I take my sexy Divisional
Director of Delegated Authorities
out for a celebratory
dinner tonight?
Oh, I would love to,
but we've got Marilyn's
stupid Northern Soul night.
Er, tomorrow?
Oh, balls. It's Dad's anniversary
so we've got to go
to his memorial bench.
Ah. So, am I invited to either
of these or do I
not count as family yet?
Oh, absolutely. It's just because
I haven't really broached
our rekindling with Cat yet.
Why can't your sister
just be happy for us?
Cos she's a big baby.
You know, she hasn't
apologised for farm-gate yet.
CAMERA CLICKS
You're not taking
a dick pic, are you?
No. II was just taking
a photo of the spot on
the back of my neck
that I can't see with my eyes.
And can you not joke
about that, please?
It brings back a lot
of painful memories.
Oh. I'm really sorry.
Yeah, of course. Erm
Look, why don't you and
your spot come tonight?
Yeah? Absolutely.
MARCUS LAUGHS
Just a heads up,
Angela is planning
a reunion with Callum,
and muggins here has been
roped in to lure him.
No doubt Callum will be showing off
his pecs to all and sundry.
I don't get why everyone finds
him so attractive. Do you?
Iit's not really crossed my mind.
KNOCK
Sorry, can you knock?
I did knock.
She did knock, to be fair.
Thank you, Marcus.
I brought your favourite.
Porridge with
blueberries and honey.
Booyah. Thanks, Tess Express.
HE LAUGHS
# If you change your mind
# I'm the first in line
# Honey, I'm still free
# Take a chance on me #
SHE SIGHS
# If you need me, let me know
# Gonna be around #
DOOR SHUTS HEAVILY
# If you've got no place to go
# When you're feeling down
# If you're all alone
# When the pretty birds have flown
# Honey, I'm still free
# Take a chance on me
# Gonna do my very best
# And it ain't no lie
# If you put me to the test
# If you let #
DOOR BANGS
Fucking door.
Do you mind if I watch some telly?
Yeah, whatever.
CAT CLEARS THROA
Hello. I'm Catherine Walcott.
I'm the new Divisional Director
of Delegated Authorities.
Morgan Philips.
Director of Insurance
Linked Securities.
Shaun Palmer.
Practice Leader for Residual Value
Insurance. Whatever that means.
OK. Well, I brought you
some doughnuts,
and I'm very excited to
be working with you both.
Do you want to just step into
the kitchen for a moment?
Sorry, what's all this about? Sh.
COFFEE MACHINE DRONES
You can't be too sure
they're not listening.
So
..what did you do
to get sent here, hey?
Huh? Official complaint?
Oh, are you a whistle-blower?
I'm sorry?
I asked for my statutory
two-week paternity leave
when my triplets were born.
I complained about
the disabled access.
They make you sign an NDA? Yeah.
And then they offered you
the promotion to pay you off?
Shit.
All right. Woo!
Finally welcoming the waiting room
to the 21st century.
OK. Press play.
Am I going mad or does that
look a bit like me?
Yes.
But older, much older.
So, you want me to sit here all day
watching myself nearly dying
in a variety of different ways?
Have you any idea
when you might be moving on,
by the way?
I am going to need to find
a permanent replacement.
I will be remaining in my post
until further notice.
Also, if I'm not receiving
Colin's pension,
I am going to need a pay rise.
I read in The Telegraph that
Meghan Markle pays
her executive PA $170,000 a year.
Right. You are on
a pretty decent rate for someone
with no qualifications
and who likes to play
Chris De Burgh during work hours.
Well, can I at least eBay
that old telly?
Yeah, yeah, fine.
It has to be gone
by the end of the day.
PHONE RINGS
Play.
QUIET MUSIC: The Lady In Red
by Chris de Burgh
Right. EhyphenB.
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
Thanks.
Thank you so much. You're all right.
Hey, what's that about?
I'm the face of Fanta in Taiwan.
Oh, I've missed you, bro. Oh. Oh.
This is cool, innit?
Never been to a Northern Soul night.
So, was Dad really into this, then?
Is that why we're here?
Yeah. Ask Cathy, she booked it.
Wait, is that Marcus?
Oh, yeah, it is Marcus.
Hey. I thought it was meant
to be just us three,
having a piss-up,
in memory of our dad.
Oh, gross.
Why is she back with that melt?
Oh, what is he wearing?
It's like Rupert the frigging bear.
Hi. Cathy.
Come here. I've missed you.
It's nice to see you.
Yeah, we missed you too, mate.
Yeah.
Now shall we join the back of
the queue, then, or what? Yeah.
Oh, God, I've got nervous burps.
Do you want to drop a Rennie?
Right.
How much shall I put in the meter?
Well, I'm not leaving until 5am.
There's something primal about
dancing through the night
and then walking home
and hearing the first bird song
of the dawn chorus.
It's It's like a rebirth.
Well, you'll be getting a cab,
because I'm going to be home
for the ten o'clock news.
I think it's safe to say
Colin did not have a type.
Oh, guys, guys.
Cathy had her first day
with her new team today.
Yeah, real power player now,
this one.
Oh, yeah. How, was it?
Yeah. Absolutely wunderbar.
You know.
Big office,
express queue to the canteen.
Yeah, and my colleagues are
absolutely top blokes. So
Are you bloody kidding me?
Meredith is having a book signing?
Is that the one you dumped
Cathy for?
Yeah. It was a temporary lapse
in judgment for, like, two months.
That's a long lapse.
Lapses are an indeterminate
amount, OK?
And also I feel really bad about it,
So can you stop bringing it up,
Callum?
At bloody last.
Listen, I don't want to see you
and you don't want to see me,
so let's just reunite
Callum and Angela and get
the heck out of here.
Fantastic. Fine by me.
Oi, if your name's not on
the list, you're not coming in.
Hey! Doing all right, my love?
Oh, babe, yeah.
Guys, this is my mate, Brian.
Brian, this is my sister, Cathy,
and her boyfriend.
Very sexy couple.
Can I get a picture with you?
I collect selfies
with sexy couples.
Oh, no. I'm her brother.
Yeah. I'm the boyfriend/soulmate,
so
Are we still doing the photo?
No, you're all right.
Brian and I used to go
magnet fishing down the canal.
We found a gun once.
What are you wearing?
Oh, it's a Northern Soul get-up.
I researched it on Pinterest.
Where are our mums?
You, you, now.
Oi, Cat!
I've reserved you a booth.
Over here.
Right, I'll get the drinky poos in,
celebrate my baby's big promotion.
Where are the bogs?
Oh!
God, what is that?
It's the Russian version of Campari.
It's delicious as long as you don't
breathe next to naked flames.
Oh! How many units in that?
I'm driving home. Not any more.
Thanks for doing this.
For helping me.
I mean it.
I'm used to doing things on my own.
I'm usually the only woman
in the room.
I'm usually the only black woman
in the room, you know.
But the thought of not
having Callum and Peter,
that is a different level
of being all alone.
Well, here's to family,
new and old.
Can I have another sip of that?
I've finished it.
All right, what is 60 as
a product of its prime numbers?
Two, three, and five.
Yes, yes, Rachel Riley!
You're going to ace this.
I'm not. I'm well nervous.
I just want to get
this mambush done and split.
Cat, mate, you've got this.
You need to stop worrying.
NO SOUND
I can't hear you.
Sorry, I muted myself
cos I was having a pee.
MUSIC: Tainted Love
by Gloria Jones
This is fun, isn't it?
Yeah, it's great.
Why did you get us tickets
to a Northern Soul night, then?
Oh, er Cat got the tickets, so
Just got yourself a drink, did you?
Yeah, it's a Coke.
I'm not going to buy a whole round
if I'm just having a Coke, babe.
Yeah, well, as long as
you're all rightbabe.
As long as I'M all right?
Oh, whatever, Trevor.
There's nothing stopping you
going and buying your own drink.
You could buy the whole club drinks
now you've got your fancy,
showy-offy job, babe.
Right, stop. Do you know what?
If this is what tonight's going
to be like, then I'm just going
to call it a night. Oh, no, no,
don't go. Don't go, don't go.
Stop being dicks.
You two are the ones that are
always going on about bloody family
and mistakes and sorting shit out,
and look at you.
I'm going to the gents' and when I
get back, you two better be talking.
Excuse me.
Can you stop snogging against me?
Urgh!
Oh.
All right! Champagne for my queens!
Whoa! Argh!
Oh, my God!
Marcus, are you OK? Are you OK?
That actually hurt, so can you
stop laughing at me, please?
Sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's
lemon slice on the floor, guys.
That round just cost me
40 quid, you know.
I'm so sorry. I'll go and get a mop.
Oh, my God. Poor Marcus.
Oh, that was so funny.
Oh.
No, but listen,
I've got a true story.
I have never ever fallen over
in my whole entire life.
Seriously? Yeah. I mean, you'd think
I would with being, like, top-heavy,
but I am just gifted with
an incredible centre of gravity.
Who says, "Champagne for my queens"?
MUSIC: Can't You See (You're Losing
Me) by Mary Wells
Right, I'm in need of a very strong
cocktail for Dutch courage.
Who's with me? Rather. Absolutely.
Oh, I should point out
I'm not in a financial position
to buy anybody a drink tonight.
Three dirty martinis.
Right, is there a VIP area
or do we just, erm, stand here?
Marilyn?
Marilyn, are you all right?
MARILYN STUTTERS
It's just overwhelming being here.
The stink of the sweat,
the vibrations.
Do you feel that, Tess?
Oh, I feel it. I dig it big-time.
I was quite the mover
back in the day, you know.
Should have seen me at the Young
Conservatives' summer ball.
Bugger me.
I haven't felt this
magical since 1982.
Oh, God. There he is. There he is.
Wish me luck.
GLASS SHATTERS
Callum.
No, Callum.
What are you doing here?
Callum, please, I just
I need to tell you that I am sorry.
Did everyone know about this?
Is this all planned?
Some kind of mum trap?
He looks just like Colin
when he's angry.
Yeah, me too. Like when you go to
the cinema. Just too loud.
You lied to me my whole life.
I'm really sorry, but I can't hear.
I said you lied
to me my whole life!
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
No. No, I'm leaving.
Tess
Tess. Shit!
Angela's choking! Oh, Angela!
OK, Heimlich manoeuvre.
Mum! She's all right.
Are you all right?
Doctor coming through!
Whaaargh!
Oh, come here, baby boy.
You gave me such a shock, Mum.
OK, who dropped this olive?
Has no-one heard of
a dustpan and brush?
Choking on an olive.
What a middle-class way to die.
Yeah, thank God
you're all right, Mum.
Yeah. It was like a scene
from Holby City.
How do you even know that shit?
Oh, from watching myself die on
the TV at work again and again.
So, I guess being my
receptionist has saved a life.
No need to thank me.
Right, I'm going to
get the drinks in.
MUSIC: Twenty-Five Miles
by Edwin Starr
Thank you. Oh, it's cash only,
I'm afraid.
You're joking?
This is the 21st century.
No, it's not. It's a Northern Soul
revival. It's 1978.
Fine. Is there
a cash point nearby or?
Thank you.
This isn't one of mine.
Cathy! Hmm.
Hi! I didn't know that you
were a fan. I'm not a fan.
I've just come here to say
that I'm back with Marcus
and that you are, you know
..big, fat egg on your face.
Didn't really prepare this,
but, erm
..just wanted to say that
a very firm heads up,
we're back together, so
You do know that guy's a scumbag?
Rich. Rich coming from you, the
unelected queen of the scumbags.
Queens are never elected.
Yes, I know that.
I also know that you guys broke up
because he was still
in love with me.
I dumped him because
I caught him back on Tinder.
Look, Cathy, you seem like a really
nice lady and, in another world,
we'd probably be
swapping frangipane recipes,
but Marcus is
WHISPERS: ..a shitbag liar.
This is what he sent
me this morning.
SHE SIGHS
OK. Nice try, Meredith.
That's the dick pic
he sent you last year.
Look at what it's resting on.
Oh, my God.
That's this week's copy
of The Economist.
I'm really sorry, Cathy,
but the guy is an absolute turd.
Oh, God.
Ohh
Mind if I pop behind your banner?
SCREAMS: GOD!
Argh!
Would you like me to sign
a copy of the cookbook or not?
Yes, please.
If you can make it out to
Auntie Dawn. She's a big fan.
You're not going to
believe this, Cat.
He's done it again - he's been
sending dick pics again.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe how stupid I am.
Cathy, listen, look,
you need to look at this.
Did you just get an email about
the DNA test we did on
Valentine's Day?
Check out the results.
Oh, thank God.
It says you're my only sibling.
Yeah. There's no-one else.
Yeah, so it's just me, you,
which means
I'm not related to Callum.
I'm gutted not to have a brother,
but, you know, look, he's happy.
Guys, I need to call my
real, actual, biological dad.
Right, let's try again.
Champagne for my qu
Ugh! Ohh
What was that for?!
I'll tell you what that was for -
because you're a lying,
duplicitous piece of shit.
I just spoke to Meredith.
She told me everything.
Get out of my life.
I can explain.
Oi, Brian.
Oh! Come on. Out. No, no. No.
Out!
Please. Cathy! Cathy, I love you!
# Turning my heartbeat up
# Ooo-ee
# Turning my heart beat up #
SHE COUGHS
Mad, isn't it?
You went through
all that shit for nothing.
I deserved it, babe.
I lied and I lied and I lied.
I know more about lying
than I do about EU export tax,
and that's saying something.
I never felt like
I deserved anything -
the house, cars, holiday -
because, deep down,
all I could think about
was this awful thing that I'd done.
I wonder if Colin felt bad
for all his lies.
Trust me.
Those lies would have been
slowly eating him alive.
Right, a toast.
The truth shall set you free.
Tess, I need to talk to you about
Oh, my days! What a banger!
Come on, get up.
Oh, bloody hell, Cath.
What a night.
How, was it? How was your dad?
He cried. I cried.
Brian took a photo of me crying
for the photo collection.
So, yeah, I think I'm going to
head home and see my real dad.
Sorry I'm not your brother.
I was getting used
to having two sisters.
Cal, girls, come on.
Come and have a dance.
And then there were two.
THEY LAUGH
# I've got to find a true love
that's really strong
# I'm gonna find me somebody
# Ooh yeah
# Woo, got to find me somebody
# I'm gonna find me somebody
# Woo, got to find me somebody #
Freedom! I'll never be
a caged bird again.
I'm free!
# So please, love, come back here
# You tried to make
a fool out of me #
Aaaaargh!
Are you all right? Ow.
Ow!
Oh, my leg.
Are you just giving me gas and air?
I'm going to need
more than that, mate.
I know you've got
horse tranquilisers on you.
SHE GROANS
All right, Mum.
I'll come in the ambulance with you.
Yeah, not now, Brian. Come on.
Sorry.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be snogging Callum
now you're not related.
SHE CHUCKLES
Well, I couldn't leave you, could I?
Plus, it's just gone midnight.
Happy birthday, Dad.
And death day.
SHE SIGHS
Didn't achieve my golden triangle.
I said I'd have it sorted
by Dad's first anniversary,
but no boyfriend, shit job.
At least I've got you.
Aw, babe.
For what it's worth,
I don't think life fits
into a triangle. Mm.
I think it's a circle,
and everything feeds
into everything else,
over and over again.
I mean, look at Dad.
He died on his birthday.
As Elton John would say,
circle of life.
Hm.
I actually think it was Tim Rice
that wrote the lyrics
to the Lion King, but Oh.
SHE SIGHS
God, I'm tired. Yeah, me, too.
I've got to sit my Maths GCSE
in nine hours.
What?
You're joking.
Why didn't you tell me?
Cos it's the first time in ages
that I've done something
just for myself.
You're amazing.
Cathy, will you test me?
There is nothing
that I would love more.
OK. Mm-hm? Calculate the angle of X.
Tess? Tess.
Oh, go home, Marcus.
Tess, listen to me.
I'm a weak man.
I can't control myself.
I don't even know why I do it.
But honestly,
I love Cathy with all my heart,
and I am nothing without her.
Nothing.
And you, you're my only friend,
so, please, help me.
Please. Tess.
Tessington World of Adventures.
Tess-la.
I'll be taking tomorrow off
as a holiday.
Yeah, but you need to give
at least three weeks' notice.
Tess? Tess, we can talk about
RAIN PATTERS
You may turn your papers over now.
We did it. That gave me
a proper buzz, you know.
We've done all right. Oh.
Right, well, it's a pleasure.
Oh, yeah.
See you soon, Deggs. Thank you.
Do you know if I pass,
will you go out with me? No.
CAR HORN BEEPS
Ay-up.
So, how did the exam go?
Oh, I don't know. It's done.
Well, I'm so proud of you.
Just in case,
I got you this.
It's my GCSE Maths certificate.
You worked your arse off,
and you deserve to pass.
Aw, that's dead nice of you, Cathy.
But you were right.
I need to do it for myself.
I will have your
driving licence, though.
Oh, God.
Right, shall we go and see Dad?
Here we are, then.
The one-year anniversary.
If you'd told me a year ago
that I'd be sitting in a Ferrari
with my dead husband's mistress
I'll say this for Colin -
he had excellent taste in women.
Oh, yes.
But what a prick. Oh. Hm.
I mean, what a prick.
He might not have left any money,
but I'll tell you
what he did leave me -
you.
A brilliant and beautiful friend.
Oh, Tess. No, no. No, no, no.
Yes, honestly.
No, no.
No. No, Tess, I
I need you to listen.
Listen.
I need to tell you something.
God, this is hard. Um, I just
..I know who's getting
Colin's pension.
It's me.
What? He made me swear
not to tell a soul.
He wanted to make sure me and Cat
were being looked after,
and I guess he thought you would
get the house and his savings,
but
..after everything
we've been through,
after all this shit and grief,
I just can't do an Angela
and lie to you.
Are you joking?
Are you fucking joking?
You are mighty lucky that both
your legs are already broken.
Oh.
Please don't say anything
to the girls.
Today isn't about us.
It's about them.
Just
..don't talk to me.
I don't even want to look at you.
Of course.
You are going to have to help me
out of this car, though.
Oh, wicked.
Look, the council have
installed the bench.
Mm. Someone's sat on it already.
That's nice.
Oh, ow, ow. Looks like PC.
Tess Ow. Come on. Ow, ow, ow.
What, Pretty Cathy?
Your mate from school?
PC stands for Primary Cathy.
Not Pretty Cathy.
You know what? I think that is PC.
Ow, ow, ow.
PC, hi.
What are you doing up here?
I've brought him
to meet his dad, Cathy.
This is your little brother, Callum.
# Wam! Bam! Mon chat, splatch
# Git sur mon lit a bouffe sa langue
en buvant dans mon whisky
# Quant a moi
peu dormi, vide, brime
# J'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere
ou j'ai eu un flash
# Hou-hou-oou-oou!
# Ca plane pour moi
# Allez hop! La nana
# Quel panard, quelle vibration
de s'envoyer sur le paillasson
# Limee, ruinee, videe, comblee
# "You are the king of the divan!"
# Qu'elle me dit en passant
# Hou-hou-oou-oou! #