Tires (2024) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[Will] So, yeah, we're still
a small business.
Mom and pop, if you will.
You know, a lot of this job
is talking to people.
And… is that something you wanna do?
Yeah.
[curious music playing]
-That's good.
-It's selling tires.
How hard can it be?
[scoffs]
-Pretty hard.
-What is your closing percentage?
-My personal closing percentage?
-Yeah.
I don't… That's…
I, uh… I know it.
So I'd like to hear why you think
you would be a good applicant.
Half the chemicals youse guys use
contain nanobots, okay?
And the government uses those
for mind control.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, let's just talk
like we just met at a party. Hi.
Hey.
When I was selling shoes,
I would do, like, at least 85%.
The tire business
is very different from the shoe business.
How?
Well, there are two shoes.
There are four tires.
They… [sighs]
-People need to--
-Uh-huh. You can get it out.
-I can get it out when I want to.
-Yeah. There you go.
So can you let me know if I got the job?
Did I get it?
No.
Why don't you just leave your number,
and I'll be in touch?
Yeah, I bet you'd like that.
I'm a married woman.
If nobody else walks through that door
that is remotely likable,
the job is yours.
Okay.
[door opens]
[Shane] George?
What's goin' on?
Shane, how are you?
I'm good, man.
Things have been awesome around here.
How's the window thing going?
I don't do that anymore.
We went under.
Apparently, our harassment policy,
which I took to be suggestive,
was quite literal.
And now the business I spent
my entire life building on my own back
is a pile of smoldering ash.
-Jesus.
-[George scoffs]
-Well, at least you didn't kill yourself.
-[laughs]
-Yeah.
-[Will] Hey, George?
-You ready?
-Yes.
[Shane] Are you interviewing for this?
No shit.
Yes shit.
[curious music playing]
-So--
-My work ethic is unparalleled.
And I am loyal to a fault.
I'm the guy you want on your team.
Wow. Well, I just have
one question for you.
When can you start?
-I already have.
-[Will laughs]
Welcome aboard!
-Now, I have one question for you.
-Shoot.
What is the most number of sales
that someone has had
in one business day here?
Great question. I think I once had four--
Great. I'm gonna beat that today.
You have my word.
All right. Well, good luck.
[mellow acoustic music playing]
-I did not come to win… ♪
-Here you are. Enjoy. Drive safe.
-You're welcome.
-I did not come to lose… ♪
Congratulations, your car's done.
It drives fine. You're good.
I came to compete… ♪
This is yours. Enjoy that. Okay.
-Drive safe.
-I came to compete ♪
I came to compete ♪
[song ends]
Dude, can you believe George
went from owning his own business,
making all that money, to this?
It's pathetic.
Well, he's getting back on the horse,
so good for him.
It's not good for him. It's embarrassing.
Hey, I offered you that job first.
It's not about the job.
Sure it is. You're being sour grapes.
What the fuck is sour grapes?
The story about the fox who wanted grapes,
but they were too high up on the vine.
He was like, "I don't want 'em.
They're sour." That's you.
I don't want the grapes.
I could get the grapes. I don't want 'em.
-Good, 'cause George has 'em now.
-Good.
'Cause all I did was offer you the grapes
over and over again.
-Exactly. I said no every time.
-[Will] You said no.
So you think I give a fuck now?
-Yeah, 'cause George is eating 'em--
-I don't give a fuck.
All right.
Can I just get back to this, please?
What are you doing, anyway?
I am booking us a hotel room
for the conference.
-You're gonna share a room with me?
-One room, two beds.
Get the honeymoon suite.
Get a Jacuzzi in there.
No, Shane. This is not a frat party.
Just let me drink 150 beers
at a Best Western, please.
[Will] You're not having 150 beers.
This isn't--
[Shane] I'm having 150. You're having 150.
We might not make it to the conference.
We're gonna be drunk for three days.
[Will] Not even close
to what's gonna happen.
-You know I'm getting fucked up.
-We gotta have good rest.
I'm bringing my sleep apnea machine.
Holy shit. You're gonna jack off
with a sleep apnea mask next to me.
-No.
-You're gonna be like a fighter pilot.
Checking for bogeys. Just…
[panting]
[Shane] Is he awake?
The g-force is gonna get you.
You're gonna…
"Pull up."
"Terrain."
"Pull up."
-It's gonna be fun, actually.
-Maybe I should book two separate rooms.
Will, I gotta show you something.
-Look at him.
-Do you drive often?
-What am I looking at?
-George is on coke.
-Kilah, come on.
-Boy, I love the morning.
[Kilah] I'm dead serious.
All of my cousins on my mom
and dad's side of the family do coke.
I know it when I see it.
[Will] He's just starting a new job.
He's probably excited.
He's trying to break a sales record.
[sniffs]
See?
It's a booger or an itch or something.
Come on. Leave the poor guy alone.
-[Cal] Oh!
-Ooh, a little rim job.
-You know about that.
-[groans]
-Come on!
-Hold on.
What?
What is that?
[curious music playing]
[Shane] Bro!
Look at this.
Is that a turtle?
What are you doing here?
Never thought I'd be a fucking turtle guy,
but this is my best friend.
-Keeping this thing?
-Hell yeah, I'm keeping him.
He's not a thing.
His name's Jerome Bettis. He's my buddy.
-He's a turtle.
-I like him better than you already.
-[cell phone ringing]
-[Cal] What?
Hello?
[breathy] Hey,
I can't stop thinking about you.
I'm so horny.
I think you have the wrong number,
but if that guy doesn't answer, call back.
It's Kelly. [chuckles]
-What's up?
-Oh, hey.
Nothing. Uh, just…
-What's up with you, though?
-Not much.
Just, uh, catering
this kid's birthday party,
and one of the kids shit his pants
in the bounce house,
so we're wrapping it up.
-Been there.
-Are you hungry?
We have a bunch of hoagies
and a half-eaten cake.
I can bring it over if you want.
Now I'm the fucking horny pervert. Yes!
[laughing] Okay.
Too far. I'll see you soon.
All right, see ya.
Ooh!
Hey, uh… Hey, George?
Can we chat for a second?
I did it. I beat the record.
Five up-sales. [puffs air]
-Already?
-Mm-hmm.
Wow! It's 1:00 p.m.
It was easy. Too easy.
What's the shop's record
for the most sales in a week?
Sixteen, I think?
I'll beat that. I'll beat that today.
Thank you for giving me a new finish line.
I work best when goals and expectations
are very clearly dictated to me.
Sixteen's a lot.
[chuckles] Seventeen.
I'm not gonna tie. I'm gonna beat it!
Seventeen?
-That's a lot of money.
-You have my word.
-Okay.
-[George] I'll fucking die for you.
-[Will] He's not on coke!
-Are you serious?
-He's not on coke! I just talked to him.
-That's ridiculous.
He's excited about his job.
That's what that is.
Who would be excited about this job?
Uh, a guy that's
gonna make a lot of money.
[Kelly] All right.
-[Shane] All right, thank you.
-[Kelly] No problem.
Thank you for bringing this.
This is great.
You're welcome. I used to bring
my ex-boyfriend sandwiches to prison.
This is kinda like the same vibe.
I'm joking.
-[Shane] Oh!
-[all chuckle nervously]
Holy shit.
A lot of women use sandwiches
to sneak contraband into prison.
-These are really good.
-Right? They're Polynesian sliders.
They're, like, my favorite.
Oh, Polynesian.
George's wife is Polynesian.
-[Kelly] Really?
-[Shane] Yeah.
I thought the same thing, but get this.
One day, she walks in, tells me, "George,
I don't love you,
and I never loved you."
[scoffs]
Well…
[chair scrapes]
Um…
I know I'm new,
and I have to earn all of your respect
and… and trust and stuff,
but I'm gonna get to that.
Ah!
[curious music playing]
He's fine.
He's fine.
[mellow music playing]
What do you do for fun?
-Around here?
-[Kelly] Yeah, like crazy shit.
-Crazy shit?
-Yeah.
-Like parties…
-Ooh, I got one.
-This is fun.
-Okay.
There's a salon next door,
has a Bluetooth speaker.
[Kelly] Okay.
And if you get it right,
you can connect to it
and play whatever you want.
[relaxing music playing]
[hip-hop music playing]
Pop that pussy, tap that ass… ♪
-Turn that fucking thing off!
-They're so mad!
-That's nice.
-How often do you do this?
-A lot.
-[laughs]
-Okay, nice.
-That's fun.
-I'm good.
-[George] Uh…
-How do I get you to a yes?
-Just the new brake for me today.
[sighs] There's always a path to yes.
Let's find that path together.
I said no.
Now can you please get out of my face?
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're driving. It's raining. It's dark.
You're on the highway,
heading into a bend.
All of a sudden, your front tires
write a check
that your back tires can't cash.
Now you're headed through the guardrail,
and someone's buying four caskets.
Two big ones, two little ones
for the kids that you forgot to strap in
because you were too preoccupied
thinking about the fact
that you didn't change your tires.
Jesus Christ.
-Uh, hey, George?
-What?!
Come here, please.
I didn't know I was being intimidating.
I'm sorry.
That's 'cause
you're yakked out of your mind, George!
Okay, I'll be honest.
I am completely addicted to cocaine.
And the problem is not getting better,
and I don't have any plans to work on it.
What I would like to do
is work on my life around it
so it's not a problem,
if that makes sense.
No, it doesn't make any sense.
You have to stop doing cocaine.
Okay.
You're doing great today
with the sales you've already done.
So let's just calm down,
take a deep breath, relax.
Thank you for giving me a new finish line.
I perform best
when given strict goals and expectations.
Fantastic. You're welcome.
I came in here today with a goal,
and that goal was 17 sales.
You gave me that number,
and I'm right there. I'm on the cusp!
I won't let you down!
[yelling] I won't let you down!
-No more cocaine!
-No more cocaine!
-[Will] No more cocaine!
-[George] No more cocaine!
Perfect! Thank you for hearing me out!
You're welcome! Thank you
for understanding me as a person!
[exhales deeply]
Holy shit!
Hi. Shane, can I talk to you
for a second in my office, please?
-Okay.
-All right.
Okay, I'm gonna look around.
All right.
-[Shane] What?
-Come on. Come on.
Come on. Look at my face. It's serious.
-Move quick.
-[Shane] Okay.
George is on cocaine.
-George has cocaine?
-Yes, he's on it.
You're gonna have to fire him then.
Yeah, so… so I'm a little worried
that he has uncontrollable rage.
I know he's not holding a bomb,
but I can hear it ticking.
-Firing him's gonna be difficult.
-He might fuck you up, dude. He's huge.
You see him. He's a psycho.
Okay. I see him keep going
into his jacket pocket on the back hook.
I think that's where he's keeping drugs.
I need you to get rid of the coke for me.
Let me get this straight. You think George
is a drug addict who's about to explode,
and your plan is
for me to take his drugs away?
Yes. Precisely.
All right.
[intriguing music playing]
[bird calling over speaker]
-Barrel owl?
-Hmm.
Oh, he's doing the bird thing?
-[Kelly] Yeah.
-That's fun. I got something to show you.
Yeah, sure. Do you wanna…
-I'm… I'm okay. Next… Yeah.
-Yeah, she's good.
-[Cal] Sure?
-Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
-Be right back.
-[Kelly] All right. Later.
-Will wanted me to flush this.
-Why do you need me for this?
-Thought you'd want to see. It's cocaine.
-No, I don't want to see that.
-You wanna do some?
-Are you crazy?
-[Shane] Maybe I am crazy.
-[Cal] It's the middle of the day.
-[Shane] Who gives a fuck?
-[Cal] I'm not doing that.
Look at this, dude.
You're nuts. You're a wild man.
-Try some.
-I'm not doin' that.
-A little. I'll do it if you do.
-[Cal] Stop.
-Let's have fun for fuckin' once.
-I'm not gonna do it.
[sniffs]
-Oh!
-Holy shit! I was joking.
You actually did it? You're fucking crazy!
-[Cal] I thought you wanted to do it.
-[Shane] I'll do it.
[Cal] Come on, do it.
-I said I would.
-I already did it. You gotta.
I'll fuckin' do it. Relax.
-[Cal] There you go.
-Yeah, fuck!
Are you fucking nuts? Why'd you do that?
[Cal] I did it. You gotta do it.
[Shane] You're a fucking loser already.
Now I'm a fucking drug loser too.
-[sniffs]
-[Cal] It's gonna feel good.
[mouths] Oh shit!
Is someone in there?
I… I left some stuff in there.
-[both] What stuff?
-[George] I'm coming in.
-[Shane] Holy shit!
-Jesus! Who barges in like this?
I… What are you two doing in here?
[Shane] Shut the fuck up, George.
Get the fuck out of here, man.
-[phone chimes]
-[Cal] My God, dude! What are you doing?
[men continuing arguing in background]
-[George] I need it! I need it!
-[Cal] You're making us look like dicks!
My nose is right here.
Just give me a little bit.
-[Will] Hey, George?
-[George groans]
Can you, uh, come help me
with a customer, please?
Okay.
Hey, little smiles.
Happy face.
[sniffs]
Is this what you do all day?
This is it. All day. Every day. [sniffs]
It's… it's good.
It's good work. I like it.
Yeah, it's a good workout, too, huh?
-Yeah. Holy fuck it is.
-[Kelly laughing]
It's hot in here, right?
-I feel okay.
-You don't think it's hot?
Oh, who's this little guy?
-That's Jerome Bettis.
-[Kelly] Hi.
I found him earlier. I put him in here.
I built this for him today.
[Kelly] No way!
I wasn't ready to be a single father,
but here I am. [chuckles]
Looking for a mom.
-What happened to his mom?
-She probably got fucking crushed, right?
I think you're great, and I like you,
and I think you're beautiful.
And if we could start hanging out a lot,
and maybe you could get involved
in Jerome Bettis's life--
-It's okay. We're just hanging out.
-I think we have a connection.
-You know?
-Yeah.
I'm sorry. If I'm being honest,
I'm on cocaine.
-He's on the smallest amount.
-Shut the fuck up, Cal.
-It was a lot, and I'm not used to it.
-[Cal] Yeah, obviously.
Oh shit. My dad's here.
Your dad's here?
Ah! Will, my favorite nephew. Ah!
[Will] Hello, Uncle Phil.
-Feel those traps, huh?
-[Will] What are you doing here?
Truth be told, your dad and I
have been out all afternoon drinking,
so he's out in the truck taking a nap.
[tuts, sighs]
It's 3:30!
He's a lightweight! [chuckles]
But, hey, let's talk about you and me.
He's been telling me everything
about the business, and I gotta say,
very impressed
with what you're doing around here.
Oh, well, thank you.
See, one great businessman
can spot another great businessman.
We're like two animals in the wild.
We catch the scent of each other's urine,
we know what we're doing.
So if you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.
Okay. Okay.
I actually could use a little help.
I hired a guy
who has a terrible addiction to cocaine.
-Ah, booger sugar. Yeah.
-Yes, booger sugar.
-But he's a great salesman, though.
-Hmm.
I dealt with this situation in '97.
Had a guy working for me
at Conrad Furniture down in Miami.
He was a world-class salesman
because he was on so much blow.
Was practically leaving head prints
in the ceiling.
I let it slide for a bit
'cause the money was rolling in,
but he eventually had a meltdown
'cause he was so high.
One day, he ran through the showroom
naked, hurdled a La-Z-Boy,
and then did a cartwheel
through the plate glass window.
It was a fucking disaster.
Old lady fainted.
There was kids running around.
Luckily, his unkempt pubic hair
had grown so long
that it obscured his penis,
so that was a win.
Where's Shane?
Uh… [sighs]
He's in the back.
-You're looking jacked.
-[car horn toots]
[tense rhythmic music playing]
[door opens]
[George] Hey.
-How you doing?
-Yeah?
[George] What's one more bag?
-There's my little dung beetle.
-Don't say shit like that to me.
Ah, big tough guy
can't even give his old man a hug.
-Hello. Hello. Hello.
-[Phil] Oh.
Buenos días, señor.
So,
who's this pretty lady?
Um, I am Shane's fiancée,
and I am also pregnant. Ah!
-She's kidding. You're so fucking funny.
-[Kelly laughing]
I don't know what we're laughing about.
-Uh, I'm Kelly.
-I'm Phil.
-Nice to meet you.
-I'm Shane's father.
-Very cool.
-[Shane] This is my dad.
So… how do you…
Oh, we're just friends.
We hang out, and, uh…
-Just friends. Just single and looking.
-Yeah. Just casual.
That sort of explains
what I saw the other day,
which was him trying to flirt
with an Applebee's waitress
and her not having it at all.
I'd love to hear this story.
This sounds funny.
I wasn't flirting with a waitress
at Applebee's.
Oh, yes, you were.
Remember, you said to the waitress, "Sup,"
then she said, "Sup," and then you said,
"Sup," again, then she walked away,
and then he said, "Sup," again.
I was confused.
I was confused 'cause I don't remember
what you're talking about.
Shane, you gotta lay off the booze,
big boy.
You're literally fucking drunk right now.
I am drunk right now. [laughs]
Uh, I'm gonna head out.
But it was lovely to meet you.
-Nice to see you, Kelly.
-Nice to see you. And I'll see ya.
Okay, I'll walk you out in a second.
Are you fucking dumb?
I'm trying to get a piece of pussy pie,
and you're trying to fuck it up.
Pussy pie? Huh.
[Cal] Hey, hey.
I'm not Mexican.
You're on cocaine.
Hey, Kelly?
Sorry about that.
My dad's a freaking jackass.
-It's fine.
-You look great. You look beautiful.
-[Kelly] Thank you.
-You look awesome.
All good. You don't have to say anything.
We're not dating, so…
We're not dating yet, but, you know,
I'm just saying, you are my type.
That's great. Um…
I was listening to a song
that reminded me of you. Wanna hear it?
-I…
-It's…
-Yeah…
-["When You Were Here" playing]
I'm still avoiding the exit that… ♪
-I'll listen to it later.
-You're gonna listen later?
-Yeah.
-You want me to turn it off?
-Uh, please.
-All right. Save it for later.
-[Kelly] Yes.
-Because it is good.
I'm gonna go.
-All right.
-But, um, this was really nice.
-And I'll hit you up sometime.
-Nice!
I mean, yeah.
[gentle piano music playing]
Nailed it.
Is that my wife? Is that my future wife?
George!
-You're fired.
-Why?
Because you told me
you were gonna stop doing cocaine.
-And you just bought it outside my store.
-Yeah.
Totally unacceptable!
Great teaching moment.
Let's put a pin on it.
-I have to use the bathroom.
-No, that's it.
You're gonna have to do cocaine
on your own time off the premises.
I need this job.
[Will] No.
George, you can't have this job.
Okay? What you need is a job,
frankly, that lets you do
a lot of cocaine.
[sighs]
And I don't know
where you're going to, um…
At Andiamo, we have a saying.
"If you want high prices,
you can fuhgeddaboudit."
[sniffs]
That's beautiful.
I came to compete ♪
I did not come to win ♪
-I did not come to lose ♪
-Did not come to lose ♪
I did not come to kiss ass ♪
-I did not come to schmooze ♪
-No ♪
No, no ♪
I came to compete ♪
Eight billion people in this world
And we all want a piece ♪
-Whoa! ♪
-That's right ♪
Eight billion people in this world
And we all got a scheme, whoa ♪
-I did not come to play make-believe ♪
-No ♪
I did not come
With some half-baked fantasy ♪
No ♪
I came on no sleep ♪
I came with no money ♪
I did not come to win or lose ♪
I came to compete ♪
I came to complete ♪
Everything I need ♪
Is within my reach ♪