Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004) s02e05 Episode Script
Wrestling
0
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Stop your whining
and get the boy on the ground!
Use your calves, Randall.
Your legs!
Push like you're having a baby.
Use your torso!
Come on!
Damn it, I've been coaching this squad for 25 years
and I've never seen
a more pathetic display
of female cowardice
and womanly stupidity!
You're making me si--
Where the hell is my equipment boy?!
That stain's being a tricky little bugger here.
What the shirt is this stuff?
Flaxamax?
Flaxamax X3 powerful!
"Non-approved body mass growth stimulant.
"For use in racehorses."
That doesn't sound right for children.
Better bring this to Coach Harris' attention.
Damn it, Brandon,
what is wrong with you?
Have you ever thought about prancing
around in your mama's Sunday dress
or wearing her panties,
or one of those cotton ponies?
You're a sissy bitch, Brandon.
- Just like your father.
- Excuse me, Coach?
I've seen your father. I've seen stains
in his pants he can't explain.
I like something about you,
but it's not being a girl in a boy's body.
It's being a wrestler!
Brandon, don't cry.
Coach Harris is just trying to give you a little bit of tough love here.
Sorry about that, Coach.
A word to the wise.
We do try to steer clear of some of that negative energy around our house.
How dare you open your mouth
around me, you piece of trash
you worthless excuse
for a mother-- equipment boy?
Don't you ever tell me how to coach these boys
or I'll cut off your head andin your neck whistle.
Oh, my apologies.
I was out of line there. I'm sorry.
I will take your tiny boy body
and break every one of your bones!
Every one
Coach?
Are you with us?
Coach?
- Hello?
- Hello, milady.
- Excuse me?
- Good morning, chip chip.
No, no.
It's Tom Peters here.
I'mactually a man.
Not a woman.
I see.
Yeah, I didn't really have time to change out of my wrestling scrubs.
Anyways, I sort of have an emergency on my hands here.
I was cleaning out the boy's locker room,
and I found this tub of Flaxamax.
Flaxamax!
Totally X!
I think it's an illegal muscle-growth formula.
Paul Child's Children's Hospital is on line one!
Miss, I'm sorry, hold on a sec.
Mayor's office.
Yes, right.
Tom, Coach Harris
had a stroke.
Oh, no! They said it was caused
by the equipment boy.
Well, fine. Good-bye.
Yes, ma'am?
How can I help you?
I was trying to bring
this Flaxamax stuff to your attention.
I think if people find out that the kids are using it
we'd have to forfeit.
Come with me.
Looks like you were very popular.
I was, Tom.
I'm not sure if you're familiar
with the wrestling move called the "crab", but
I was responsible for developing that.
- News to me.
- Yeah.
Boys wrestling is
the most important thing in my heart.
And to the citizens of Jefferton.
So, any talk of forfeit is just out of the question.
Well, I still feel that this Flaxamax is just against the rules.
Let's be scientific about this
and give it a little test
before we jump to conclusions.
I guess I should get a sense
for the lay of the land here.
- R.E. this topic.
- Come on, Tom.
We'll both do it.
Here, I'll help you.
- Just take a little sniff.
- OK.
- This stuff isn't for kids.
- What do you think, Tom?
I feel all tingly. It's
I can conceive of my own facial hair coming out of my face.
It's like I want to get a haircut,
but I don't need one.
So, it's this whole time-spatial relationship.
It's very spiritual actually.
Let me just get another one here.
Stuff is incredible!
You gotta try it, Mayor!
No, thank you. I'll pass.
Still trying to figure out who we can get to coach for the championship.
I got a good idea.
Why don't I coach the boys?
That's a huge responsibility.
Are you sure you can handle it?
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll do it! I'll do it
for Coach Harris and for Jefferton!
I won't let you down, Mayor!
Damn it!
I'm frickin' late!
Why does this thing always default to fog horn?
Darn digital whistle. Should have stuck with a more traditional model.
No!
There we go.
Boys, gather round.
Before we get started
I just want to talk to you about this Flaxamax stuff.
I don't want to see any more of you kids getting mixed up in this crap.
- Ain't that right, Coach?
- Oh, boy.
Our championship is in a couple of weeks
and if I catch any of you messing around with that crap
I'll march right down to City Council
and I'll have all of you benched!
Are we clear?!
Now, it's just
against the rules, children!
All right. Instead of practice,
you'll all sit your little asses down
and watch this power presentation
that I made.
Enjoy it, children.
Finally!
This stuff is addictive.
We're days away
from the Tri-County
Boy's Wrestling Championship.
The Mayor has appointed equipment boy, Tom Peters
to coach the Pinners this year.
From all of us here at Channel 5 News
good luck, Tom.
Let's wrestle!
These muscles
are really starting to bulk me up.
Hey, Head Coach,
looking good!
- What, have you been working out?
- Yeah, I guess.
You look wonderful.
Thank you.
Just trying to keep in shape.
- Are my Pinners ready for tomorrow?
- You bet.
I gave them a stern lecture about this Flaxamax junk
and it really left an impression.
Great news, Tom.
Let me give you a hand here.
Looks like a stray jock got away.
What the heck is this?!
Flaxamax?!
Flaxamax!
Put the weight on fast!
Darn it, children!
I thought you had this under control.
So did I, but these kids are getting so crafty.
Darn it.
Now I have to go to City Council.
Wait a minute, Tom, please.
- Just turn your cheek on this one.
- No, no, no!
These kids have to be punished!
OK. Well, I guess
there's no use in showing you this.
What's that?
It's a wrestling statue of you.
And I'll put it right next to mine.
- It's beautiful.
- And if you keep that mouth shut
and bring me home that championship,
it's all yours.
Hi, Mayor.
What's all this about?
I felt pretty bad about
making you keep that secret
so I came up with a way for you
to save your integrity as Head Coach
and still win that championship.
All right.
Regarding this whole
Flaxamax situation
I have this complaint letter from
It looks like Tom Peters.
- What? I didn't
- How could you?!
- Mayor, I swear, I didn't have anything
- Tom, come here. Secret meeting.
You see, I did a little bit of sports research
on the web last night.
And it turns out that
in a normal boy's tournament
if one of the teams gets disqualified,
the whole match gets decided
on a simple coin-toss.
Look what I got.
Two-headed coin!
I don't think any of that's true.
OK. Well
It looks like we're going to be forced to go ahead
and test you boys
for traces of this Flaxamax.
Disqualified,
disqualified, disqualified.
Well, then anybody want to tell me who will wrestle for Jefferton this year?
Ladies and gentlemen,
he stands 5'2"
425 pounds of pure muscle.
Mrs. Tom Peters!
Wait a minute, Mayor.
I don't think this is such a great idea.
I'm a man,
and this is a boy's championship.
Tom, do this for me.
Do this for Jefferton!
Do this for Coach Harris.
Peter!
Fair enough.
Let's wrestle!
It's a man's game ♪
That boys will play
You've got to kill to survive ♪
Forget about the pain
of yesterday ♪
- Tag me in, Tom!
- No!
And you can see it in a young boy's eye
A lone wolf out in the night ♪
It's a damaged game ♪
But that's how you play ♪
Do the crab!
Glory
There she is.
What a beaut.
Better late than never, huh, Tom?
By the way,
how've you been?
Good to hear.
Flaxamax really dried up
your spinal column, didn't it?
Told you to steer clear of that, Tom.
Let me help you here.
I'm gonna prop up your head
and put this telescope right up against your good eye.
Look what they did.
Looks just like you.
Abso-lutely.
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Stop your whining
and get the boy on the ground!
Use your calves, Randall.
Your legs!
Push like you're having a baby.
Use your torso!
Come on!
Damn it, I've been coaching this squad for 25 years
and I've never seen
a more pathetic display
of female cowardice
and womanly stupidity!
You're making me si--
Where the hell is my equipment boy?!
That stain's being a tricky little bugger here.
What the shirt is this stuff?
Flaxamax?
Flaxamax X3 powerful!
"Non-approved body mass growth stimulant.
"For use in racehorses."
That doesn't sound right for children.
Better bring this to Coach Harris' attention.
Damn it, Brandon,
what is wrong with you?
Have you ever thought about prancing
around in your mama's Sunday dress
or wearing her panties,
or one of those cotton ponies?
You're a sissy bitch, Brandon.
- Just like your father.
- Excuse me, Coach?
I've seen your father. I've seen stains
in his pants he can't explain.
I like something about you,
but it's not being a girl in a boy's body.
It's being a wrestler!
Brandon, don't cry.
Coach Harris is just trying to give you a little bit of tough love here.
Sorry about that, Coach.
A word to the wise.
We do try to steer clear of some of that negative energy around our house.
How dare you open your mouth
around me, you piece of trash
you worthless excuse
for a mother-- equipment boy?
Don't you ever tell me how to coach these boys
or I'll cut off your head andin your neck whistle.
Oh, my apologies.
I was out of line there. I'm sorry.
I will take your tiny boy body
and break every one of your bones!
Every one
Coach?
Are you with us?
Coach?
- Hello?
- Hello, milady.
- Excuse me?
- Good morning, chip chip.
No, no.
It's Tom Peters here.
I'mactually a man.
Not a woman.
I see.
Yeah, I didn't really have time to change out of my wrestling scrubs.
Anyways, I sort of have an emergency on my hands here.
I was cleaning out the boy's locker room,
and I found this tub of Flaxamax.
Flaxamax!
Totally X!
I think it's an illegal muscle-growth formula.
Paul Child's Children's Hospital is on line one!
Miss, I'm sorry, hold on a sec.
Mayor's office.
Yes, right.
Tom, Coach Harris
had a stroke.
Oh, no! They said it was caused
by the equipment boy.
Well, fine. Good-bye.
Yes, ma'am?
How can I help you?
I was trying to bring
this Flaxamax stuff to your attention.
I think if people find out that the kids are using it
we'd have to forfeit.
Come with me.
Looks like you were very popular.
I was, Tom.
I'm not sure if you're familiar
with the wrestling move called the "crab", but
I was responsible for developing that.
- News to me.
- Yeah.
Boys wrestling is
the most important thing in my heart.
And to the citizens of Jefferton.
So, any talk of forfeit is just out of the question.
Well, I still feel that this Flaxamax is just against the rules.
Let's be scientific about this
and give it a little test
before we jump to conclusions.
I guess I should get a sense
for the lay of the land here.
- R.E. this topic.
- Come on, Tom.
We'll both do it.
Here, I'll help you.
- Just take a little sniff.
- OK.
- This stuff isn't for kids.
- What do you think, Tom?
I feel all tingly. It's
I can conceive of my own facial hair coming out of my face.
It's like I want to get a haircut,
but I don't need one.
So, it's this whole time-spatial relationship.
It's very spiritual actually.
Let me just get another one here.
Stuff is incredible!
You gotta try it, Mayor!
No, thank you. I'll pass.
Still trying to figure out who we can get to coach for the championship.
I got a good idea.
Why don't I coach the boys?
That's a huge responsibility.
Are you sure you can handle it?
Sure, sure, sure.
I'll do it! I'll do it
for Coach Harris and for Jefferton!
I won't let you down, Mayor!
Damn it!
I'm frickin' late!
Why does this thing always default to fog horn?
Darn digital whistle. Should have stuck with a more traditional model.
No!
There we go.
Boys, gather round.
Before we get started
I just want to talk to you about this Flaxamax stuff.
I don't want to see any more of you kids getting mixed up in this crap.
- Ain't that right, Coach?
- Oh, boy.
Our championship is in a couple of weeks
and if I catch any of you messing around with that crap
I'll march right down to City Council
and I'll have all of you benched!
Are we clear?!
Now, it's just
against the rules, children!
All right. Instead of practice,
you'll all sit your little asses down
and watch this power presentation
that I made.
Enjoy it, children.
Finally!
This stuff is addictive.
We're days away
from the Tri-County
Boy's Wrestling Championship.
The Mayor has appointed equipment boy, Tom Peters
to coach the Pinners this year.
From all of us here at Channel 5 News
good luck, Tom.
Let's wrestle!
These muscles
are really starting to bulk me up.
Hey, Head Coach,
looking good!
- What, have you been working out?
- Yeah, I guess.
You look wonderful.
Thank you.
Just trying to keep in shape.
- Are my Pinners ready for tomorrow?
- You bet.
I gave them a stern lecture about this Flaxamax junk
and it really left an impression.
Great news, Tom.
Let me give you a hand here.
Looks like a stray jock got away.
What the heck is this?!
Flaxamax?!
Flaxamax!
Put the weight on fast!
Darn it, children!
I thought you had this under control.
So did I, but these kids are getting so crafty.
Darn it.
Now I have to go to City Council.
Wait a minute, Tom, please.
- Just turn your cheek on this one.
- No, no, no!
These kids have to be punished!
OK. Well, I guess
there's no use in showing you this.
What's that?
It's a wrestling statue of you.
And I'll put it right next to mine.
- It's beautiful.
- And if you keep that mouth shut
and bring me home that championship,
it's all yours.
Hi, Mayor.
What's all this about?
I felt pretty bad about
making you keep that secret
so I came up with a way for you
to save your integrity as Head Coach
and still win that championship.
All right.
Regarding this whole
Flaxamax situation
I have this complaint letter from
It looks like Tom Peters.
- What? I didn't
- How could you?!
- Mayor, I swear, I didn't have anything
- Tom, come here. Secret meeting.
You see, I did a little bit of sports research
on the web last night.
And it turns out that
in a normal boy's tournament
if one of the teams gets disqualified,
the whole match gets decided
on a simple coin-toss.
Look what I got.
Two-headed coin!
I don't think any of that's true.
OK. Well
It looks like we're going to be forced to go ahead
and test you boys
for traces of this Flaxamax.
Disqualified,
disqualified, disqualified.
Well, then anybody want to tell me who will wrestle for Jefferton this year?
Ladies and gentlemen,
he stands 5'2"
425 pounds of pure muscle.
Mrs. Tom Peters!
Wait a minute, Mayor.
I don't think this is such a great idea.
I'm a man,
and this is a boy's championship.
Tom, do this for me.
Do this for Jefferton!
Do this for Coach Harris.
Peter!
Fair enough.
Let's wrestle!
It's a man's game ♪
That boys will play
You've got to kill to survive ♪
Forget about the pain
of yesterday ♪
- Tag me in, Tom!
- No!
And you can see it in a young boy's eye
A lone wolf out in the night ♪
It's a damaged game ♪
But that's how you play ♪
Do the crab!
Glory
There she is.
What a beaut.
Better late than never, huh, Tom?
By the way,
how've you been?
Good to hear.
Flaxamax really dried up
your spinal column, didn't it?
Told you to steer clear of that, Tom.
Let me help you here.
I'm gonna prop up your head
and put this telescope right up against your good eye.
Look what they did.
Looks just like you.
Abso-lutely.