Bad Move (2017) s02e06 Episode Script
Village Idiot
1
# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
# Ba-ba-ba-ba
# When the world
in which you're living
# Gets a bit too much to bear
# And you need someone to lean on
# When you look,
there's no-one there
# You're gonna find me
# Out in the country
# You're gonna find me
# Way out in the country. #
SHEEP BLEATING
With the agreement of the committee,
I can now confirm the arrangements
for the Lantern Man Festival.
The parade will take place
I still don't get it.
Who is this Lantern Man?
It's a Garthdale tradition.
Apparently it goes back centuries.
So what happens? Well, they make
some sort of strong man
and they parade him
through the village.
And the locals dress up
and they paint their faces
all yellow and brown.
To match their teeth? It involves
quite a lot of alcohol, too.
..as well as a van selling hot dogs,
baked potatoes and cigarettes.
And now, it is my duty
to call upon last year's
Keeper of the Lantern Man
to appoint his chosen successor.
Thank you, Barbara.
Firstly, may I say
what a great honour
Shall we just go?
We can't.
Why not?
Shh.
I trust I lived up
to your expectations.
But now the time has come
to appoint my successor.
Arthur, you have been waiting
for this role for many years
and I know how much
it would mean to you.
However, I have decided that this
year's Keeper of the Lantern Man
will be Steve Rawlings.
What?
And then I thought, no,
what about Steve?
It might just be the making of him.
Thanks.
So
here you are.
That's you officially anointed.
It's an important job.
Make sure you don't mess it up.
She's nice, isn't she?
Oh, she's lovely.
Now, let me give you a few tips.
What do you reckon, Alice?
Do you think my Steve
will make a good Keeper
of the Lantern Man?
I don't know, love.
To be honest, I only came
for the tea and biscuits.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
Oh, right, so it's just
a parade, then? No.
Tell Steve the other thing
he has to do.
You have to stay in the scary hut.
With the Lantern Man.
For the whole night.
What's this?
That's the vigil.
You have to guard the Lantern Man.
Before you parade him
through the town.
You spend the night in the old
shepherd's hut by the woods.
What, with a scarecrow?
Er, yeah.
One thing, Steve, pretty important.
It's not a scarecrow,
it's the Lantern Man.
All right, Dad?
Wouldn't have been my choice.
Wouldn't have been Steve's choice,
either.
Ah, well, not how it was done
back in the day.
How did it used to be done, then?
Bare knuckle fights on the green.
Last man standing was made
Keeper of the Lantern Man.
But the authorities put a stop
to all that.When was this?
Are there no biscuits left?
You should be wearing that.
You have been chosen.
By Matt.
The making of me.
What the hell did he mean by that?
To spend the night in a hut, he's
not sending me to boarding school.
It's a great honour, Steve.
You've been put in charge
of a pair of pyjamas
stuffed with hay.
Why do they need someone
to guard it, anyway?
They burn it the next day.
BANG
CRACKLING
What the hell was that?
Oh!
LAUGHS
Oh, hi, Steve.
All right, Nicky?
Hi, Grizzo.
I tell you what,
in the wrong hands,
these things could be lethal.
Yeah, I can see that.
Any particular reason
for letting off fireworks?
Er
Oh, yeah, I'm testing them out.
And you didn't want to do it
at your place?
No, it might scare the peacocks.
Ooh.
Very thoughtful.
Yeah.
No, what it is
I'm doing the fireworks
for this Lantern Man thing.
You're doing the fireworks?
GRUNTS
Well, not me. I'm paying for them.
But I've got this pyrotechnics guy
to do it all.
Ex-special forces.
Did my Hyde Park gig.
And that other one.
What's it? The one with all the
nurses and the beds and
Are you talking about the
opening ceremony of the Olympics?
Yeah, that's the one.
Anyway, the fireworks arrived
earlier, two lorry loads of them.
So I thought, might as well
have a little play.
Oh, you
GRUNTS
Well, they seem to be working
all right, so
Oh, right.
Ha. You two probably want to
get some sleep, don't you?
Ideally.
Please, yeah.
Yeah, no, fair enough.
I'll knock it on the head.
Thanks, Grizzo.
FIREWORKS BANG
CHUCKLES
Sorry.
Last one.
Have you got enough clean pants
for your vigil?
I'm not scared.
Anyway, I might not even stay there.
I'll wait till everyone's gone,
then nip home for the night.
Go back in the morning.
That'd be cheating.
Why should I spend the whole night
in a hut in the woods?
It would be like the worst ever
episode of Springwatch.
The whole village
are relying on you.
You can't let the Lantern Man
escape.
How could he escape?
He's a stuffed dummy,
he's not Steve McQueen.
CAR ENGINE
Who's this?
It's a minicab.
God, he must be lost.
It's Zoe.
Sorry, Mum.
I didn't know what else to do.
What's happened, sweetheart?
Where's Danny?
We split up.
Oh, no. I am sorry.
Come and have a cup of tea.
Excuse me.
Oh. Sorry, I
Steve, could you?
Yeah, all right.
Then Danny said, "If you wanted
a Chinese, you should have said."
I said, "But that is what I said,
you just weren't listening."
And that is what's so annoying, he
never listens. Then he stormed out.
By that time,
I'd made myself a sandwich.
How was I to know
he'd gone and got a Chinese?
Oh, no. So I said,
"I'll have it for breakfast."
He said, "You can't have Chinese
for breakfast."
Since when?!
Who made you God of breakfast?
You didn't split up over a takeaway,
though?No. It's everything.
We argue all the time.
And I said to him,
"Danny, you do realise
"we row about literally everything."
Then we had a row about that.
The thing is, Zoe,
sometimes when people are
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, God.
GASPS
Oh, it's Becky.
She's dyed her hair. Look.
She's got an interview on Monday.
Anyway, I just can't go back there.
I need my own space.
Would it be all right if I stayed?
Of course you can.
Course.
Oh, thank you.
You stay as long as you want.
Or longer, like we have.
I've never liked that Danny.
If you ask me,
he didn't deserve you.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
It's his loss.
Exactly. The thing
you've got to remember
PHONE BEEPS
Ooh, sorry.
Oh, my God. Guess how hot it is
in Ayia Napa.
Lauren's there.
They've found a bar
where jagerbombs are two euros.
Put that away for a bit, 'ey?
Hey, leave her be. That's how
young people communicate these days.
Must have been well weird
when you were young.
Didn't have mobile phones.
Had to use smoke signals back then,
didn't you, Ken?
Ha.
So, do you think you're up to it,
then?
Sorry?
Keeper of the Lantern Man.
What's this?Steve's been chosen
for this festival they have here.
I have to carry this straw dummy
through the village.
There's nothing to it.
What about the vigil?
That's just spending the night
in a hut.
Is it?
You might change your tune
when you're out there in the woods,
all alone in the dark.
Yeah.
I'm not afraid of the dark.
Good.
Because they do say
that on the stroke of midnight,
the Lantern Man comes alive.
Dad. That's just nonsense.
Well, maybe it is.
But how do you explain what happened
a few years back?
On the morning after the vigil,
the villagers came back to the hut
to find the Lantern Man had gone.
And the Keeper's hair
had turned white.
Oh, my God.
It's true.
It's on MysticBritain.com.
Look, the legend of the Lantern Man.
Yeah, but just cos it's on the
internet doesn't mean it's true.
In fact, the opposite.
Just off to the shop with Zoe.
Do you need anything for your vigil?
No, no. I'm fine.
Oh, maybe some batteries
for the torch?
It's working fine.
Yeah, I know, but just in case.
I'll be back in a bit.
Zoe, are you coming?
In a minute!
I've bet her a choc ice
that she can't get more than a grunt
out of Shannon.
Anyway, like I said,
it's a nice shop.
So, what you reading?
I met Victoria Beckham once.
You never.
I did. Manchester Arndale.
Launch of her new perfume.
She was wearing a top
the same as yours.Was she?
Hm. Where did you get it from?
Online.
It's dead nice.
Thanks.
Gareth!
Victoria Beckham's
got the same top as me.
Says who?
Nicky's daughter.
FOOTSTEPS
All right?
Who's this, then?
Hi.
I'm Zoe.
Bronson.
Nice to meet you, Zoe.
No, don't get me wrong,
he's a nice lad.
I'm just saying,
he gets in a lot of trouble.
Mum, why are you even
talking about him?
I'm just saying, beware.
Beware of what?
I've just split up with Danny,
I'm not looking
to go out with anyone else.
PHONE BEEPS
Who's that?
Bronson.
DRUM BANGING
CHATTER
I hope Steve appreciates
what an honour it is to be chosen.
Some people in the village
have waited years to do it.
Oh, yeah, he's chuffed to bits.
How much further is it?
Keep going, I'll tell you
when we get there.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Two police cars.
What's all this about, anyway?
Oh, God knows.
They do it every year. I think
it's just an excuse to get wasted.
Is that Bronson with our Zoe?
Oh, Dad, leave it.
You'll only make it worse.
When Lantern's seen
on dale or moor,
in us hands we take the law.
Over beck and gill he ran,
who will burn the Lantern Man?
ALL: We will!
Right, that's that bit done.
Time for you to go in't hut.
Right, then, good luck.
You'll need it.
Have you got your mobile,
just in case?Yeah.
And batteries for your torch?
Yeah.
And, er, Grecian 2000?
Yeah, thanks, Ken.
I'll see you in the morning.
Bye, then.
You all right?
It's OK for you,
you get burnt tomorrow.
Some of us are stuck here
for the rest of our lives.
Sorry.
Right.
I'm just gonna nip out,
use the facilities.
Don't go anywhere.
CLATTERING
Hello?
Who's there?
Argh!
LAUGHS
Sorry, Steve.
I couldn't resist.No, it's just
that I wasn't expecting it, so
This was you. "Oh, no! Please!"
I don't think I did do that.
Yeah, right. I saw you going out.
I thought, this will be a laugh.
What are you doing here, anyway?
Er
Oh, yeah, no, what it was
There's been an update
on the firework situation.
My pyro bloke can't be there
tomorrow night,
he's got to go and do
the Chinese president's birthday.
So, we were thinking
you could do it.
Me?
Yeah.
You know about computers.
That's how it's all done these days.
That's designing websites,
it's different.
Nah, it's all the same.
He'll set it all up for you. He just
needs to talk you through it.
Can't you do it?
No. Yeah, no, he wouldn't let me.
I've got a bit of history
on that front.
Have you?
Let's just say
I didn't realise that indoor
fireworks were an actual thing.
I just thought it was fireworks
indoors.
They had to close the Savoy Grill
for three weeks.
Oops, my bad.
No, no, it was pretty bad.
ALL: Cooee!
Morning.
We made you some scones.
What, for breakfast?
I mean, thank you.
So, how did it go?
Yeah, fine.
Any scares?
No. Nothing.
That's not what Grizzo told us,
is it?
He played a trick on you.
You said, "No! Please!"
Did you cry?
Of course I didn't cry.
I've brought you some coffee.
It's Fairtrade.
Oh, thank God.
Anyway, we'll leave you to it.
Would you, er, like us
to take the Lantern Man for you?
No, it's all right.
Nicky's coming to pick us up.
I mean, me. And it.
RADIO: 'And if you're
in the Garthdale area,
'don't forget,
it's the Lantern Man Festival today.
'So why not get those costumes out
and join the parade?
'And to get you in the mood,
here's Phil Collins.'
Shouldn't he have his seatbelt on?
That's the least of his worries.
He's getting chucked on a bonfire
later.
Did you have a nice time with Zoe?
Hardly saw her.
She spent most of the evening
FaceTiming Bronson.
That's not happening, is it?
Not on my watch.
So how was it, then, spending
the night in that drafty old dump?
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
This is gonna be great!
It will be.
Just so long as you
don't go anywhere near them.
You nutter..
LAUGHS
Oh, Steve. This is Sniper.
Pleased to meet you.
Sniper?
So how did you get that nickname?
How do you think?
Oh, right.
So, this is where it all happens?
Looks like a mixing desk.
That is the mixing desk.
He's worse than me, in't he?
No.
I'll leave you to it.
So
This is the firing system.
I'll be talking you through it
step-by-step.
First things first, I have given
you your own personal pass word.
You will need this
to activate live mode.
Right. I've pre-set it as
Sierra, Tango, Echo, Victor, Echo.
OK, I'd better write that down.
It's S-T-E-V-E.
Steve, yep, OK. Should be able
to remember that. Ha-ha.
Hm.
Nice outfits.
They made those all by themselves.
Really?
I might have helped out
a little bit.
Have you seen that tree costume?
Beautiful.
Really?
Right, that's it. I'm gonna
have a word withDad.
Please don't.
If there's one thing that will
drive them together
When Lantern's seen on dale or moor,
in us hands we take the law.
Over beck and gill he ran,
who will burn the Lantern Man?
ALL: We will!
Right, take a drink.
No, I'd better not.
I'm in charge of the fireworks
tonight.
It's bad luck not to toast
the Lantern Man.
It's even worse luck to be drunk
in charge of ten grand's worth
of fireworks.
Oh, well, if no-one else wants it
All right, Shannon?
Is Gareth here?
Yeah. Do you want to meet him?
Yeah, please, I'd love to.
Gareth! Nicky wants to meet you.
You what?
Nicky wants to meet you.
Oh. How do?
All right, Gareth? It's nice
to finally put a face to the name.
Them two should get a room.
ALL: We will!
PHONE BEEPS
Who will burn the Lantern Man?
ALL: We will!
Mum, Mum.
I need to talk to you.
Right, what's that Bronson done?
No, Granddad, it's not Bronson.
It's Danny.
He sent me this really nice message,
and he says that he's sorry
and that he misses me.
And he wants us
to get back together.
Well, he's a good lad, Danny.
I've always liked him.
I'm gonna head back to Leeds.
Oh, love. Come here.
I'm really happy for you.
Have you told Bronson?
Yeah, yeah.
He's fine about it.
We're just mates.
No.
SHE GIGGLES
How did you know?I'm telling you,
Denise, two police cars.
And if you do have the yellow ticket
number 347,
there's an unclaimed bottle
of salad cream waiting for you.
The fireworks will take place
in five minutes
How's it going?
All good. Everything under control.
Just go and enjoy the show.
Oh, do you want a beer?
Not while I'm on duty.
Got my cup of tea, thanks.
And if it's not claimed by then,
the salad cream
will be donated to charity.
And now,
what you've all been waiting for,
it's time for the fireworks.
Are you ready in the tent?
Ready in the tent.
Put the music on, then.
Hurry up!
SPACE ODYSSEY MUSIC
CHATTER
I'm gonna need a countdown.
Ten
ALL: Nine, eight
Argh!
MACHINE BEEPS
ALARM BUZZING
ALL: Five, four
three, two
one
FIREWORKS ALL SPARK AT ONCE
BANG
FIREWORKS STOP
ONE FIREWORK HISSES
ALARM BUZZING
CAR ALARM
BABY CRYING
How was that?
# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
# Ba-ba-ba-ba
# When the world
in which you're living
# Gets a bit too much to bear
# And you need someone to lean on
# When you look,
there's no-one there
# You're gonna find me
# Out in the country
# You're gonna find me
# Way out in the country. #
SHEEP BLEATING
With the agreement of the committee,
I can now confirm the arrangements
for the Lantern Man Festival.
The parade will take place
I still don't get it.
Who is this Lantern Man?
It's a Garthdale tradition.
Apparently it goes back centuries.
So what happens? Well, they make
some sort of strong man
and they parade him
through the village.
And the locals dress up
and they paint their faces
all yellow and brown.
To match their teeth? It involves
quite a lot of alcohol, too.
..as well as a van selling hot dogs,
baked potatoes and cigarettes.
And now, it is my duty
to call upon last year's
Keeper of the Lantern Man
to appoint his chosen successor.
Thank you, Barbara.
Firstly, may I say
what a great honour
Shall we just go?
We can't.
Why not?
Shh.
I trust I lived up
to your expectations.
But now the time has come
to appoint my successor.
Arthur, you have been waiting
for this role for many years
and I know how much
it would mean to you.
However, I have decided that this
year's Keeper of the Lantern Man
will be Steve Rawlings.
What?
And then I thought, no,
what about Steve?
It might just be the making of him.
Thanks.
So
here you are.
That's you officially anointed.
It's an important job.
Make sure you don't mess it up.
She's nice, isn't she?
Oh, she's lovely.
Now, let me give you a few tips.
What do you reckon, Alice?
Do you think my Steve
will make a good Keeper
of the Lantern Man?
I don't know, love.
To be honest, I only came
for the tea and biscuits.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
Oh, right, so it's just
a parade, then? No.
Tell Steve the other thing
he has to do.
You have to stay in the scary hut.
With the Lantern Man.
For the whole night.
What's this?
That's the vigil.
You have to guard the Lantern Man.
Before you parade him
through the town.
You spend the night in the old
shepherd's hut by the woods.
What, with a scarecrow?
Er, yeah.
One thing, Steve, pretty important.
It's not a scarecrow,
it's the Lantern Man.
All right, Dad?
Wouldn't have been my choice.
Wouldn't have been Steve's choice,
either.
Ah, well, not how it was done
back in the day.
How did it used to be done, then?
Bare knuckle fights on the green.
Last man standing was made
Keeper of the Lantern Man.
But the authorities put a stop
to all that.When was this?
Are there no biscuits left?
You should be wearing that.
You have been chosen.
By Matt.
The making of me.
What the hell did he mean by that?
To spend the night in a hut, he's
not sending me to boarding school.
It's a great honour, Steve.
You've been put in charge
of a pair of pyjamas
stuffed with hay.
Why do they need someone
to guard it, anyway?
They burn it the next day.
BANG
CRACKLING
What the hell was that?
Oh!
LAUGHS
Oh, hi, Steve.
All right, Nicky?
Hi, Grizzo.
I tell you what,
in the wrong hands,
these things could be lethal.
Yeah, I can see that.
Any particular reason
for letting off fireworks?
Er
Oh, yeah, I'm testing them out.
And you didn't want to do it
at your place?
No, it might scare the peacocks.
Ooh.
Very thoughtful.
Yeah.
No, what it is
I'm doing the fireworks
for this Lantern Man thing.
You're doing the fireworks?
GRUNTS
Well, not me. I'm paying for them.
But I've got this pyrotechnics guy
to do it all.
Ex-special forces.
Did my Hyde Park gig.
And that other one.
What's it? The one with all the
nurses and the beds and
Are you talking about the
opening ceremony of the Olympics?
Yeah, that's the one.
Anyway, the fireworks arrived
earlier, two lorry loads of them.
So I thought, might as well
have a little play.
Oh, you
GRUNTS
Well, they seem to be working
all right, so
Oh, right.
Ha. You two probably want to
get some sleep, don't you?
Ideally.
Please, yeah.
Yeah, no, fair enough.
I'll knock it on the head.
Thanks, Grizzo.
FIREWORKS BANG
CHUCKLES
Sorry.
Last one.
Have you got enough clean pants
for your vigil?
I'm not scared.
Anyway, I might not even stay there.
I'll wait till everyone's gone,
then nip home for the night.
Go back in the morning.
That'd be cheating.
Why should I spend the whole night
in a hut in the woods?
It would be like the worst ever
episode of Springwatch.
The whole village
are relying on you.
You can't let the Lantern Man
escape.
How could he escape?
He's a stuffed dummy,
he's not Steve McQueen.
CAR ENGINE
Who's this?
It's a minicab.
God, he must be lost.
It's Zoe.
Sorry, Mum.
I didn't know what else to do.
What's happened, sweetheart?
Where's Danny?
We split up.
Oh, no. I am sorry.
Come and have a cup of tea.
Excuse me.
Oh. Sorry, I
Steve, could you?
Yeah, all right.
Then Danny said, "If you wanted
a Chinese, you should have said."
I said, "But that is what I said,
you just weren't listening."
And that is what's so annoying, he
never listens. Then he stormed out.
By that time,
I'd made myself a sandwich.
How was I to know
he'd gone and got a Chinese?
Oh, no. So I said,
"I'll have it for breakfast."
He said, "You can't have Chinese
for breakfast."
Since when?!
Who made you God of breakfast?
You didn't split up over a takeaway,
though?No. It's everything.
We argue all the time.
And I said to him,
"Danny, you do realise
"we row about literally everything."
Then we had a row about that.
The thing is, Zoe,
sometimes when people are
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, God.
GASPS
Oh, it's Becky.
She's dyed her hair. Look.
She's got an interview on Monday.
Anyway, I just can't go back there.
I need my own space.
Would it be all right if I stayed?
Of course you can.
Course.
Oh, thank you.
You stay as long as you want.
Or longer, like we have.
I've never liked that Danny.
If you ask me,
he didn't deserve you.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
It's his loss.
Exactly. The thing
you've got to remember
PHONE BEEPS
Ooh, sorry.
Oh, my God. Guess how hot it is
in Ayia Napa.
Lauren's there.
They've found a bar
where jagerbombs are two euros.
Put that away for a bit, 'ey?
Hey, leave her be. That's how
young people communicate these days.
Must have been well weird
when you were young.
Didn't have mobile phones.
Had to use smoke signals back then,
didn't you, Ken?
Ha.
So, do you think you're up to it,
then?
Sorry?
Keeper of the Lantern Man.
What's this?Steve's been chosen
for this festival they have here.
I have to carry this straw dummy
through the village.
There's nothing to it.
What about the vigil?
That's just spending the night
in a hut.
Is it?
You might change your tune
when you're out there in the woods,
all alone in the dark.
Yeah.
I'm not afraid of the dark.
Good.
Because they do say
that on the stroke of midnight,
the Lantern Man comes alive.
Dad. That's just nonsense.
Well, maybe it is.
But how do you explain what happened
a few years back?
On the morning after the vigil,
the villagers came back to the hut
to find the Lantern Man had gone.
And the Keeper's hair
had turned white.
Oh, my God.
It's true.
It's on MysticBritain.com.
Look, the legend of the Lantern Man.
Yeah, but just cos it's on the
internet doesn't mean it's true.
In fact, the opposite.
Just off to the shop with Zoe.
Do you need anything for your vigil?
No, no. I'm fine.
Oh, maybe some batteries
for the torch?
It's working fine.
Yeah, I know, but just in case.
I'll be back in a bit.
Zoe, are you coming?
In a minute!
I've bet her a choc ice
that she can't get more than a grunt
out of Shannon.
Anyway, like I said,
it's a nice shop.
So, what you reading?
I met Victoria Beckham once.
You never.
I did. Manchester Arndale.
Launch of her new perfume.
She was wearing a top
the same as yours.Was she?
Hm. Where did you get it from?
Online.
It's dead nice.
Thanks.
Gareth!
Victoria Beckham's
got the same top as me.
Says who?
Nicky's daughter.
FOOTSTEPS
All right?
Who's this, then?
Hi.
I'm Zoe.
Bronson.
Nice to meet you, Zoe.
No, don't get me wrong,
he's a nice lad.
I'm just saying,
he gets in a lot of trouble.
Mum, why are you even
talking about him?
I'm just saying, beware.
Beware of what?
I've just split up with Danny,
I'm not looking
to go out with anyone else.
PHONE BEEPS
Who's that?
Bronson.
DRUM BANGING
CHATTER
I hope Steve appreciates
what an honour it is to be chosen.
Some people in the village
have waited years to do it.
Oh, yeah, he's chuffed to bits.
How much further is it?
Keep going, I'll tell you
when we get there.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Two police cars.
What's all this about, anyway?
Oh, God knows.
They do it every year. I think
it's just an excuse to get wasted.
Is that Bronson with our Zoe?
Oh, Dad, leave it.
You'll only make it worse.
When Lantern's seen
on dale or moor,
in us hands we take the law.
Over beck and gill he ran,
who will burn the Lantern Man?
ALL: We will!
Right, that's that bit done.
Time for you to go in't hut.
Right, then, good luck.
You'll need it.
Have you got your mobile,
just in case?Yeah.
And batteries for your torch?
Yeah.
And, er, Grecian 2000?
Yeah, thanks, Ken.
I'll see you in the morning.
Bye, then.
You all right?
It's OK for you,
you get burnt tomorrow.
Some of us are stuck here
for the rest of our lives.
Sorry.
Right.
I'm just gonna nip out,
use the facilities.
Don't go anywhere.
CLATTERING
Hello?
Who's there?
Argh!
LAUGHS
Sorry, Steve.
I couldn't resist.No, it's just
that I wasn't expecting it, so
This was you. "Oh, no! Please!"
I don't think I did do that.
Yeah, right. I saw you going out.
I thought, this will be a laugh.
What are you doing here, anyway?
Er
Oh, yeah, no, what it was
There's been an update
on the firework situation.
My pyro bloke can't be there
tomorrow night,
he's got to go and do
the Chinese president's birthday.
So, we were thinking
you could do it.
Me?
Yeah.
You know about computers.
That's how it's all done these days.
That's designing websites,
it's different.
Nah, it's all the same.
He'll set it all up for you. He just
needs to talk you through it.
Can't you do it?
No. Yeah, no, he wouldn't let me.
I've got a bit of history
on that front.
Have you?
Let's just say
I didn't realise that indoor
fireworks were an actual thing.
I just thought it was fireworks
indoors.
They had to close the Savoy Grill
for three weeks.
Oops, my bad.
No, no, it was pretty bad.
ALL: Cooee!
Morning.
We made you some scones.
What, for breakfast?
I mean, thank you.
So, how did it go?
Yeah, fine.
Any scares?
No. Nothing.
That's not what Grizzo told us,
is it?
He played a trick on you.
You said, "No! Please!"
Did you cry?
Of course I didn't cry.
I've brought you some coffee.
It's Fairtrade.
Oh, thank God.
Anyway, we'll leave you to it.
Would you, er, like us
to take the Lantern Man for you?
No, it's all right.
Nicky's coming to pick us up.
I mean, me. And it.
RADIO: 'And if you're
in the Garthdale area,
'don't forget,
it's the Lantern Man Festival today.
'So why not get those costumes out
and join the parade?
'And to get you in the mood,
here's Phil Collins.'
Shouldn't he have his seatbelt on?
That's the least of his worries.
He's getting chucked on a bonfire
later.
Did you have a nice time with Zoe?
Hardly saw her.
She spent most of the evening
FaceTiming Bronson.
That's not happening, is it?
Not on my watch.
So how was it, then, spending
the night in that drafty old dump?
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
This is gonna be great!
It will be.
Just so long as you
don't go anywhere near them.
You nutter..
LAUGHS
Oh, Steve. This is Sniper.
Pleased to meet you.
Sniper?
So how did you get that nickname?
How do you think?
Oh, right.
So, this is where it all happens?
Looks like a mixing desk.
That is the mixing desk.
He's worse than me, in't he?
No.
I'll leave you to it.
So
This is the firing system.
I'll be talking you through it
step-by-step.
First things first, I have given
you your own personal pass word.
You will need this
to activate live mode.
Right. I've pre-set it as
Sierra, Tango, Echo, Victor, Echo.
OK, I'd better write that down.
It's S-T-E-V-E.
Steve, yep, OK. Should be able
to remember that. Ha-ha.
Hm.
Nice outfits.
They made those all by themselves.
Really?
I might have helped out
a little bit.
Have you seen that tree costume?
Beautiful.
Really?
Right, that's it. I'm gonna
have a word withDad.
Please don't.
If there's one thing that will
drive them together
When Lantern's seen on dale or moor,
in us hands we take the law.
Over beck and gill he ran,
who will burn the Lantern Man?
ALL: We will!
Right, take a drink.
No, I'd better not.
I'm in charge of the fireworks
tonight.
It's bad luck not to toast
the Lantern Man.
It's even worse luck to be drunk
in charge of ten grand's worth
of fireworks.
Oh, well, if no-one else wants it
All right, Shannon?
Is Gareth here?
Yeah. Do you want to meet him?
Yeah, please, I'd love to.
Gareth! Nicky wants to meet you.
You what?
Nicky wants to meet you.
Oh. How do?
All right, Gareth? It's nice
to finally put a face to the name.
Them two should get a room.
ALL: We will!
PHONE BEEPS
Who will burn the Lantern Man?
ALL: We will!
Mum, Mum.
I need to talk to you.
Right, what's that Bronson done?
No, Granddad, it's not Bronson.
It's Danny.
He sent me this really nice message,
and he says that he's sorry
and that he misses me.
And he wants us
to get back together.
Well, he's a good lad, Danny.
I've always liked him.
I'm gonna head back to Leeds.
Oh, love. Come here.
I'm really happy for you.
Have you told Bronson?
Yeah, yeah.
He's fine about it.
We're just mates.
No.
SHE GIGGLES
How did you know?I'm telling you,
Denise, two police cars.
And if you do have the yellow ticket
number 347,
there's an unclaimed bottle
of salad cream waiting for you.
The fireworks will take place
in five minutes
How's it going?
All good. Everything under control.
Just go and enjoy the show.
Oh, do you want a beer?
Not while I'm on duty.
Got my cup of tea, thanks.
And if it's not claimed by then,
the salad cream
will be donated to charity.
And now,
what you've all been waiting for,
it's time for the fireworks.
Are you ready in the tent?
Ready in the tent.
Put the music on, then.
Hurry up!
SPACE ODYSSEY MUSIC
CHATTER
I'm gonna need a countdown.
Ten
ALL: Nine, eight
Argh!
MACHINE BEEPS
ALARM BUZZING
ALL: Five, four
three, two
one
FIREWORKS ALL SPARK AT ONCE
BANG
FIREWORKS STOP
ONE FIREWORK HISSES
ALARM BUZZING
CAR ALARM
BABY CRYING
How was that?