Daddy Issues (2024) s02e06 Episode Script

1
I'm not saying I definitely
don't want to go back to the salon
but I have been dabbling with
better-paid other employment.
- Dabbling?
- I have applied
for 30 jobs.
Surely you want to arrive
in your dad's classic car.
- It was his pride and joy.
- I can't.
If I drive it, it means
he's really dead, doesn't it?
Oh! I'm going to have
a baby with Gary.
- Catkins!
- Oh!
Where's Cat?
No!
GASPS
Run, my goddess! I'll find you!
Love you, Gaz-bear.
- Tommy Moscrip?
- Jackie's son.
Dad, you've got a brother!
Me.
Cuddly squid?
Um, do one-year-olds like squid?
Well, Sadie's going to have to
get used to squid, mate.
It's not going to be long before
she's having to fight them off
in a post-nuclear wasteland.
This present needs to be perfect.
I read online that
your first birthday present
- can set the course for the rest
of your life.
- No.
Total bullshit.
Just get her some fluffy bricks
or something.
So, I'm still pretty livid
you didn't tell me
you had a secret brother.
Well, I didn't tell anyone, did I?
That's why it was secret.
Hmm. So, what's Tommy's deal?
What does he want?
Well, hehe just messaged me
out of the blue a few years ago,
you know, said he was Dad's son
and that they were living together
- in Spain.
- Oh, suspicious. Continue.
He'd found some photos of me
and Dad and was asking awkward
questions, but my dad told him
I was an old work colleague
and I had a brain injury,
so don't trust anything I said,
you know.
So, Tommy knew about you
and your sister,
and you knew about Tommy,
but your wife and kids
didn't know anything,
and your dad didn't know you knew,
or that you'd been in contact
with Tommy. But also, you didn't ask
your dad about Tommy, even though
he'd been living here for two months
before he carked it.
- Yeah.
- Jesus! Malcolm, do you think
this is why your family are
- so fucked up?
- Eh, we just don't
discuss those sort of things.
What sort of thing -
having blood relatives?!
Oh, my God, this is it!
Look at that. It's perfect.
That's Sadie's present.
MUFFLED GROANS
Oh, Malcolm! Help me!
It's spunking its eggs
down my throat.
FEIGNS GAGGING
Hiya, baby!
- I spoke to the police again.
- Oh, yeah?
- Still nothing.
- Oh, it's been over a week now.
I thought they had CCTV everywhere.
They do, but apparently they don't
have the manpower to look at it.
Cat will be fine, you know, Dad.
She's kind of a badass
..in a lazy way.
Good morrow, fellow Moscrips.
Good morrow.
Hey, Tommy.
- Brother from another mother.
- Yeah.
Niece from another piece.
Uncle from anotherspunkle.
- Oh.
- That's not
So, how are you finding
Grandad's, then?
It's a bloody palace, Gemma.
Sure, the shower runs cold
and the oven doesn't work, but
I'm more of a "micro-wah-vay"
kind of guy anyway.
And IS there a microwave?
Nah.
- OK, got to go.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Your skin looks incredible, Malcolm.
Do you wild swim?
No.
I sometimes shower
with the window open.
A squirrel got in once.
- Gemma! I've got a surprise
for you. Come on.
- OK.
Ta-da! Sadie's creche,
for when you come back to work.
Only a week to go!
Rita, you know Dad's gone
part-time to help look after Sadie.
Yeah, but he might want
a day off now and then
to explore romantic avenues.
- Why are orphans so sexy?
- I don't know.
So, I've put a load of bathmats
down, so she doesn't hurt herself,
and some toys from Crisis.
An uncooked bowl of rice?
Exactly. Yeah.
To attract a rat for her
to play with?
It's a treasure hunt!
You know, you bury things in
the bowl and Sadie digs them out.
- It's fun!
- OK.
Spanner and a Biro?
I don't know what
babies like, Gemma.
- I'm not Mr bloody Tumble.
- Of course.
This is lovely, Rita. Thank you.
Treasure hunt.
Oh.
Oh, my God. What is that?
Oh, it's not anything weird.
It's just one of Winnie's
semi-dried figs. Keep Sadie regular.
- Can I have it back now, Rita?
- Right, last one.
I don't want you shitting
yourself again.
I am not mopping you out
of this salon.
Oh, that was an accident.
That grouting has never been
the same since.
I can still smell it.
I've still got it right up here.
SADIE BABBLES
- Hi!
- Hi.
Um, do you have any balloons that
say "happy first birthday"
but also "happy 56th birthday"?
She's having a joint do
with her grandad.
Er, well, these balloons
are very popular.
They keep their tumescence
for up to six months.
Why?
- I think we'll just take
a 1, a 5 and a 6.
- Okey dokey.
Oh, you're so cute!
- So, I can't do that pre-party
lunch on Friday any more.
- Oh.
Are you getting your nails done?
Do NOT go to my lady.
They were so sharp last time,
I could have climbed a tree.
It's not that.
I actually have a job interview.
Oh, my God, babe!
Abouttime!
Well, go on, then. Tell me.
It's marketing.
It's well paid. It's flexible.
It's family friendly.
They have a creche!
A normal one -
not one with bathmats and rice.
Yeah. I mean, I probably won't
get it, but
Yeah, you will. We'll manifest it!
Give Gemma the job!
Give Gemma the job!
Give Gemma the job!
- I actually really, really
do hope I get it.
- Aw.
But how am I going to tell Rita?
She'll understand.
Like you said, the only way
to get promoted at the salon
is by stabbing her in the neck
with a pair of barbering scissors.
Did I say that?!
I've been dealing with my rage
towards Lance by watching
a lot of true-crime documentaries.
Um, do you want curls
on your balloons?
- Keep those away from me.
- Keep those away from her.
Oh! He looks well there, doesn't he?
Malaga's a wonderful place, Malcolm.
You and Gem should visit.
And Jess. I can't wait
to finally meet her.
She's got a hot tub.
Did you know that Malaga
is known as Europe's hot tub?
- No.
- Yeah.
So, you know, me and Dad
lived together
until we had a massive bust-up
a few months ago.
- Did you often fall out?
- Loads. Yeah.
- He was a difficult sausage,
wasn't he?
- Yeah.
Did he ever use words like
..pathetic and disappointment? Like,
"You're a pathetic disappointment."
All the time, Malc!
Yeah, all the time.
You know, Dad got me to guarantee
some business loan.
And I paid the rent.
And all his medical bills.
Not that I mind, of course.
You don't when it's family,
do you, Malc?
I half hoped there'd be
something here to cover it all!
TOMMY LAUGHS
You haven't taken it out
of the boxes, have you?
No!
Seems like the only thing
to his name wasthat Jag.
Of course, he never let me drive it.
Lucky old you, eh?
I've not been able to sit in it
- since he passed, you know?
- Right.
- Oh.
- I don't know why I'm upset.
- CHOKED:
- He was horrible.
- CHOKED:
- Yeah, but he was our dad,
wasn't he?
SOBBING
He was.
- I thought he'd have something
sexy lying around!
- Hey?
Oh.
It's what he would've wanted.
There you go. All right.
It'sIt's probably not a lot.
CHUCKLES SOFTLY
POURING
To John Richard Moscrip.
A complicated old tosser.
To Jackie.
MALCOLM COUGHS
Yummy!
- Oh, God.
- Oh. Another late one
with Tommy?
Yeah. We had a really nice chat,
though.
Good.
And then we watched
John Wick 4 on his phone.
You know, it's so good to know
that it wasn't just me
who had a rough time with me dad.
Oh, no, he was
an arsehole to Tommy, too?
Yeah. He was awful!
- Happy Birthday, Dad!
- Oh! Ha-ha!
This is from Sadie.
- You'll get mine later at the party.
- Thank you, darling!
She painted it herself!
I did the writing.
Her penmanship is abysmal.
Let's have a look, shall we?
What have you?
Oh, God, I love it.
He loves it, Sades.
- Look, it's got my name on it.
- Yeah.
That's great. Oh, look,
and this is for you.
Happy birthday, little one.
GEMMA GASPS
What have we got, Sades?
Oh, my God.
"Sadie Martha Moscrip."
Oh, Dad, I love that!
Solid gold as well.
Oh, and, er, got you this.
DOOR BUZZES
- OK.
- Hang on.
Isn't that gorgeous, Sades?
What's this?
Tommy? Yeah, I'll buzz you in.
Dad?
Yeah, it'sit's 300 quid.
I want to open up a
saving account in Sadie's name,
you know, and I thought
that could be the first deposit.
Feliz cumpleanos!
That's Spanish for happy birthday.
TOMMY LAUGHS
Delighted to spend the day
with my best-ever brother.
Los dos hermanos.
The two Hermans.
- You look fabulous, Gemma.
Doesn't she, Malc?
- Mm.
Could have given us a heads-up
that the party was formal dress.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no, Gemma's got
a job interview this afternoon.
Oh, yeah? What is it?
Well, a nice man or lady will ask me
questions and, if they like
my answers, they'll give me money
in exchange for my time and soul.
Could change me and Sadie's life,
if I get it.
- You'll get it.
- Yeah, 'course you will, babe.
- Do you want my advice?
- Oh, yep. Be yourself.
Christ, no. Lie through your teeth.
- They've got a problem
and you're the solution.
- Yeah.
And maybe rub yourself with
freshly baked bread.
- People love the smell.
- Isn't that a tip for selling houses?
Can't hurt.
- Right. OK.
- Good suggestion, Malcolm.
Good suggestion.
- I've left the bag in for you.
- Lovely cup of tea.
Would you like some
branded tap water?
No, thanks.
ALERT CHIMES
Oh.
Dustin'll see you now.
- Third floor, office five.
- OK.
It's a bit quiet, isn't it?
Yeah. Most people work from home
on a Friday.
Not me, though.
- Never me.
- Oh.
Did somebody order face paints?
I can do tigers or zebras,
but if anyone wants a unicorn,
they can F off.
I'm not drawing a load of knobs
on children's heads.
It's not right.
Hello, birthday boy.
You can come over and paint
my face later, if you like.
DOOR OPENS
Hello, Sadie, love!
Here we go.
Happy birthday, King.
And before you ask, yes, I have got
you a super-awesome pressie
and, no, it is not another fucking
novel about old ladies
- who solve crime.
- Oh, I love them!
No, you don't, Malcolm!
Derek, I'm thinking about giving
Tommy the Jag.
Are you absolutely fucking insane?
No, look, my dad left him
with loads of debts
and he always paid for everything,
so I just thought it'd be nice.
Malcolm, have you got any actual
proof he's even your brother?
Well, his email is
So fucking what?
Oh and I've seen his
driving licence.
Yeah, cos those are
so impossible to fake.
Check this out.
Meet Randy Mondozo,
Jebediah Fountain,
Laertes McKenzie-Reid.
Is that, like, made-up names?
Well, do you want to say that
to Jebediah's face?
- VAGUELY SCOUSE ACCENT:
- Cos he will
fucking slap you down, mate.
He's from France.
Look, you have to think about
these things, big dog. OK?
I bet I can internet-detective
Tommy's arse in under three seconds.
Aha! There you go. See?
"Tommy Moscrip,
"pictured with father Jackie outside
famed Malaga bar"
Oh, that looks real, actually.
DOOR OPENS
There he is!
Blimey, Malcolm, you smell amazing.
I swear he's ageing backwards.
Have you lost weight?
Well, I just didn't have
any breakfast.
I'll take those for you.
OK, if he is your brother,
something is up,
cos there is no fucking way
he likes you that much.
- Where are the car keys?
- In me pocket.
If you give him that Jag, Malcolm,
I will disavow you.
- Don't make me disavow you
on your birthday.
- OK.
- What does disavow mean?
- Don't know.
I heard it on a film.
- Oh.
WHEEZING
Um, is this part of the interview?
Oh, my God. Help!
Help! Oh, my God.
I don't know how to use this!
"EpiPen, pull off blue safety cap,
"hold orange tip,
inject into thigh."
Trousers on or off?
Trousers on or off?
Right. Lie down.
I don'twant to touch him
..or it.
Er
HE CONTINUES WHEEZING
OK. Inject into thigh.
HE GASPS
Thanks.
I sat on a bee.
I'm Gemma, by the way. I'm here
for the marketing interview.
You didn't need to
take my trousers off.
Well, I didn't know
if it would work without
It does say on the label.
It's quite small writing -
I was in a bit of a hurry.
- Yeah. Just for future reference.
- Trousers
- BOTH:
- Stay on.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Do you want that back?
- Thank you.
Um
..my husband's away
..so the laundry's not been done
- ..hence the trunks.
- Oh.
This the right place
for the birthday party?
Oh, yeah.
Jebediah Fountain booked
the superhero show for, erm
..little Malcolm Moscrip?
Yep, yep, yep. Thank you.
Changing room's over there.
Thanks. Cheers, mate. Off you go.
- Isn't that?
- Yeah.
That's my pressie to you.
Correct.
- What, a superhero show?
- It's much more than that, Malcolm.
Much more.
Go and play with Sadie. And behave!
- SING-SONG:
- Happy birthday!
The blue one's for you.
I know - so cliche.
- You'll never guess what it is.
- Um
- It's lip balm!
- Oh.
- Yeah.
CHILDREN SHOU
How much of the play equipment's
bolted to the floor?
- None of it, I don't think.
- Fuck.
Don't tip it over!
Don't tip it over!
Oh, Winnie!
Coats are over there.
Pressies are on the side.
- Ooh, squash!
- Sorry, you are?
I'm Dr Rush. I'm Gemma's GP.
Oh. Do you know anybody else here?
Er, no.
But, thankfully, I'm a hoot
once the sambuca starts flowing.
Nope. Nope. Go on, shoo.
Er, there's squash on the side.
Yeah, she'll find it, Malcolm.
So
..do you have any
marketing experience, Gemma?
Just cos it says here
that your current role is
..sweeping up hair.
Well, actually,
I'm on maternity leave.
But, yeah, when I'm back,
me and the broom, we're like this.
SHE CHUCKLES
There's been an admin error.
I don't know how you've
slipped through the net,
but this position's not for you.
Please.
Why do you even want this job?
Because I love marketing.
Nobody loves marketing.
OK.
I didn't really want
a proper career.
Yeah.
But then I had a baby
and, all of a sudden,
there's this helpless creature
who needs me to look after her
and, you know, that's all on me.
Ambulance, please.
Are you OK?
EpiPens wear off, unfortunately.
- But please do carry on.
- Right.
So, yeah, there's this fire
inside me now
Jackson House, Stockport,
Whitfield & Hitchins Marketing.
- Uh-huh.
- ..and I just
..I want to provide a better
life for my baby
..and for me
..and this job, it would be
the first step.
Anaphylaxis. EpiPen administered,
but the effects are starting
to wear off. Thank you.
And I really would give
everything I've got to you
and this company.
I just need someone
to take a chance on me.
It's a great pitch.
It's exactly the sort of spirit
we're looking for, actually.
Unfortunately, you are still
underqualified for the job.
But, look, there is a junior
position in our Glasgow office.
I think you'd be perfect for it.
Glasgow?
Yeah. Do you want it?
Yeah, I do. I really want it.
Oh, well, congratulations, Gemma.
You've just joined the rat race.
I'm going to get in
the recovery position now.
Um, if you could just wait
in reception for the ambulance
and let them know I'm up here,
please.
So, I did get the job?
Affirmative.
She's like Gemma.
Don't you think? It's her eyes.
Yeah.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Happy birthday, baby girl!
Hey. How did it go?
How was the interview?
Yeah. I got offered a job.
Oh, great! Congratulations!
Yeah, it's in Glasgow
Right.
..which is why I turned it down.
What do you mean, you turned it
down?!
Yeah, well, I accepted it
at first, but then
called them back on the drive here.
I can't leave you lot.
- Gem!
- Er, excuse me!
A little bird told me that you were
looking for a job with
"career prospects".
You should have said!
Let ME train you up. I can get
a grant to send you to college.
You could be the next
Nicky Campbell.
Nicky Clarke?
Hmm. Even better.
- BOMBASTIC MUSIC
- Oh! Here you are. They're coming.
Here you are! Come on.
Come on.
All right, boys and girls!
Who likes superheroes?
Malcolm does!
- No, he doesn't.
- I do, I do.
I do, Derek! I love 'em.
OK. I am the legally distinct
American Captain.
Dilf Rogers.
But it's not just me today.
You won't like him.
Please welcome The Honk!
Rarrrrr!
Rarrrr! Honk punch!
Punch Honk. Punch Honk.
Little Honk, punch. Honk, punch.
Honk, elbow, punch.
That's also working for me.
Why? Why is it working for me?
Jesus, do I know you at all?!
Er, Gemma, can you be quiet, please?
Have you no respect for the arts?
Cherry.
No.
Our story begins
..in space!
Once upon a time in a planet
not so far from this one
CHILDREN GIGGLE
Wait, where's the cake?
- What?
- Well, you did get one, then?
I thought you were being all modern.
No. It was on the side
in the kitchen.
Is it a woke flavour?
Oh, my God, what would be a
woke-flavoured birthday cake?
- BOTH:
- Red velvet.
- Fuck sake!
- Look, I'llI'll go and
get it. Just you enjoy the party,
all right?
Rita, stop it.
CLATTERING
CLATTERING CONTINUES
What's going on, Tommy?
Malc!
What are you doing?
You know I deserve that fucking
car more than you do.
I put up with Dad's shit for years.
So, you thought you'd steal from us?
Well, from Sadie?!
Where are the car keys, Malcolm?
I've got a flight to catch
and a dealer waiting to take it
off my hands.
Derek's got them.
So I-I could call him
and then he'd come round, eh?
So, what do you think about that?
Yeah.
You're just like our dad,
aren't you?
Yeah.
We're both cursed with that one,
Malcolm.
- What do you mean?
- You heard Gemma.
She turned that job down
because of you. Could have been
a ticket to a better life.
But, no, she's stuck here
with her sad old man.
No, that's not what's happening.
I spent 20 fucking years
with our dad!
I hated him towards the end.
Yeah, well, I won't let you
steal off Sadie!
- No, you don't.
- Argh!
Don't! Argh! Tommy!
Don't.
You have no idea what a gift
he gave you.
He got out your fucking way.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
That's what he did.
# And there is nowhere
left for your head to turn
# Yeah, there's nowhere left
for your head to turn
# History repeating
# But without the learning
# And yet they spend their energy
# Coming for anybody who doesn't
get it right
# Who really gets it right?
# And I'm a ghost
# It's a machine
# And now they're following
where I've been
# What are you looking for?
# I'm just like you, but boring
# And in the end, I'm coming clean
# I've spent my whole life lying
# About the things I want
# About the things
I should have done #
Why is birthday boy taking so long?
ENGINE STARTS
Dad
..what are you doing?
You'd have taken that job
if it hadn't have been for me,
wouldn't you? I'm holding you back.
Don't be stupid!
You said it would've
changed your life.
Yeah, but I
don't want to change it.
I want to grow it, here, with you.
You're just saying that, aren't you?
Oh, God!
Now I wish I'd got you therapy
for your birthday instead of
that very lovely jumper
that's waiting for you inside.
I can't do this without you, Dad.
I need you.
You know I love you?
I know.
We love you.
And I love you too.
- Shall we go back into the party?
- Yeah.
Rita wants me to paint her face.
I'll bet she does.
GROANING
Oh, my God!
Can you lot keep the noise down?!
Oh, you all right, Brenda?