Going Dutch (2025) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[PATRICK] You wanna
make the base useful?
Let us build something useful
on the base.
But in order to do that, of course,
I have to charm
the Appropriations Committee.
And then we have to deal with
those vacuous vote whores
in Washington, D.C.
It's a vicious cycle. Ooh. [SNIFFS]
- [CELESTE] That's
- Oh, my God!
That really opened up.
We agreed I had the night off.
Oh, yeah. Listen, it's your anniversary.
Happy anniversary. [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you.
- We can talk about it tomorrow.
Oh, well, tomorrow's
Saturday and we're
We should hit it hard Monday,
the universal day for starting work.
And also, funding requests aren't due
- for another six weeks, so.
- I know.
But the key to staying one step ahead
is being two step ahead at all times.
Last summer, we weren't,
and we got some funding, for what?
The stupid Frisbee Golf Course
that nobody likes.
Well, it's actually called disc golf,
and it's pretty popular.
I played with some people in college.
The "throw-bros."
Yeah, but now we're soldiers,
not stoner virgins
afraid of real sports.
Listen, you guys enjoy.
It's your anniversary, enjoy the dinner.
And, uh, I'm takin' this with me.
- Um, that, that's
- Yes, that's his wine.
- You can have mine.
- Mm-hmm.
[CLAPS]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Abe.
Did you not tell him
we're going away this weekend?
No, I did. He just hasn't
approved my leaves yet.
But don't worry about that.
I succeed in getting leave
- last minute before. Yeah.
- Oh.
After a protracted game of cat and mouse
I was able to attend
- half my uncle's funeral.
- Oh.
- [SIGHS] Thank you.
- Oh!
From the colonel.
"Congrats. No one
thought you'd make it."
Did you get the note?
[THEME MUSIC]
So, hey, I just wanted
to run something by ya. Um
It's Celeste's idea,
but I'm on board too.
- It's a little unconventional.
- Oh, I know what's goin' on.
She wants to do weird sex stuff, right?
- Oh, no, no, no.
- You know, what happens is
when a relationship starts
to go south over marriage
- Yeah.
- They read a Cosmo article,
and next thing you know,
fingers are going
places they should never be going.
- Right. Uh-huh.
- Listen. You're vanilla.
- Yeah. Yeah, it is okay.
- And that's okay.
Hey, 'cause vanilla is
the world's most popular flavor
- for a reason.
- Yeah.
[JAN] A little help for me?
Look at this.
This why I hate Saturdays. Huh.
'Cause it's like you and me are
the only two people working.
We sure are. I just need to ask you
for this weekend off
for my anniversary once again.
You know, I promise to
work the next five Saturdays,
which is plenty of time
to finish by the deadline.
I don't want to cut it that close.
And also, I-I gave you a day
to celebrate your anniversary.
That's all you need.
You celebrate a day in
your life with a day.
My little Frisbee go?
Have you seen a little disc?
Hey, Jan. This yours?
- Yes. It has my name on it.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Let me show you something, pal.
This disc belongs to me now.
- [WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
- What are you doin' here?
I thought you were going
on your big trip to Bruges.
I saw Celeste's
anniversary post that said
y'all were "cruising for a Brugin'."
We were supposed to go today,
but then the colonel's makin' me work.
Can't you just have somebody filling in?
Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna go to
the Shah Store
and find some extra Shah.
Watch some Shah and Order.
I'm so sorry.
I-I'm freaking out right now.
- Okay?
- Okay, look.
I have people fill in for me
all the time.
Remember last week when we had
that inventory meeting on Zoom?
That wasn't me. That was
Regina from Special Ops.
Okay, but she did a presentation.
Yeah, we face-swapped
and she lip-synced.
All you need to do is find yourself
a Regina and swap her in.
Okay, so it's like the
Indiana Jones hand switch thing.
He swapped the golden statue
for a bag of sand.
I just need to find a bag of sand.
- Mm-hmm.
- A bag of sand
with nothing better to do.
[PAPADAKIS] Dare me
to drink this hot sauce.
- We share a bathroom, so no.
- Too late.
- Oh!
- That's a good bag of sand.
- Yeah, it really is.
- I need to go use our bathroom.
No, no, just use
the, use the Teen Center.
I'm not gonna Uh [GROANS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
- Hey.
- Come on in.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, why wouldn't it be?
Oh, no, I-I mean, you did comment
on Celeste's anniversary post, so.
Oh, yeah. Well,
that's the polite thing to do.
Yeah, you also commented, "#lovewins"
- with six fire emojis.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's, I mean, it had to be convincing.
Uh, well, I'm not convinced.
So that's why I'm gonna
ask you one more time.
Are you okay?
[CHUCKLES] Would a person who's not okay
be pullin' off a hat like this?
Oh, and you are pullin' it off.
- You know what?
- I knew it.
- What is this?
- It is Rosé All Day Pink.
Okay, look, I know that you're
not over the situation
with Celeste and Shah,
but this is no time
to be making emotionally
charged hair choices.
It's not. It's just a streak.
- A terrible streak. Yeah.
- Yeah, a terrible streak.
That's it. [SIGHS]
I'm taking you off-base.
You never take me off-base.
Especially on the weekends.
You didn't even let me drive
you to urgent care that time.
They found your car in a ditch.
I'm willing to make an exception
in light of this cry-for-help streak.
We gotta get this fixed ASAP.
You comin' with me to my salon.
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [DANA] Don't forget
that off-the-base privileges
can be revoked immediately
if you can't hang.
[SCOFFS] Oh, I can hang.
- Uh! No hat.
- No hat.
- And go change.
- Yeah, of course.
- I'm cha Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Listen, in the words of my grandmother,
when I pushed her down
the slip-and-slide,
"I just don't think
this is a good idea."
The colonel already loves you.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's unconditional.
- Hey.
- It's there.
No, he doesn't. Not yet, at least.
Listen, people need to be
exposed to me in low doses
to build up a tolerance. It's
like babies with peanuts, right?
Now, if I give the colonel
just a little bit
of PapaD every day, 20 years from now,
- he's best man at my wedding.
- Uh, what about if I teach you
everything you need to know, and
then we can cut it down to ten?
- [SIGHS]
- Come on.
I don't know if I'm gonna meet a model
that likes me by then.
Who am I kidding? Okay.
I got pretty good people instincts.
And I know when someone's
desperate like this,
you should probably trust him.
- I'm in.
- [CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY]
- Yeah?
- What do I need to bring?
Nothing, just your computer
and a high tolerance for verbal abuse.
All right, what snacks?
Like sweet or savory snacks?
Oh, you don't need to worry about that.
The colonel only eats beef jerky
when he's working.
It's his perfect food. Meat gum.
Oh, and by the way,
under no circumstances
defend waiting in lines,
Geneva conventions or Paddington.
So let's go. I got a train
to catch. Come on.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Hey, thank you so much for bringing me
to your cool, secret salon.
Okay, I'm just a regular person.
Always good to see you, Zelda.
- Oh, yes!
- [LIPS SMACKING]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Why is she calling you Zelda?
Look, me bringing you to my salon
and me lettin' you in
on my personal life
are two different things.
I live in a moral gray area.
I don't think people know much about me.
Well, you know my deepest,
darkest secrets.
- They're not that dark.
- One day they might be.
I'm-I'm-I'm just trying
to get you to open up.
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
Well, I'll be right back.
Yes.
[DOOR CREAKS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
- [SLAPS]
- Oh.
And now they're kissing. Okay. Um
- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Is everything, uh, chill out here?
Yeah, we're chill.
Who is this blowout with the sad eyes?
- Your new partner?
- Don't worry about it.
She hasn't taught me anything either.
Well, I got it over the border.
You can take it from here.
Hi. Oh.
Yikes. [CHUCKLES]
Seems like a tricky situation.
Is she, um, like a friend
of yours or Zelda's?
Maggie, we talked about this.
- No, we didn't.
- Oh, yeah, we did.
No, we didn't. And I would like to.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
It's like hacking with some friends.
- Hey!
- What's up, colonel?
- Uh
- What's he doin' here?
Oh, well, with only six weeks
to write our three-page request,
we need a shortcut. And
Papadakis here is our shortcut.
He's gonna hack into
the other base's proposals
and give us an unfair advantage.
- I like the sound of that.
- [ABRAHAM] Yeah.
Fairness is overrated. Ah, ah, ah. Hey!
You have not earned meat gum, my friend.
Okay.
Well, I'm already in
the USAG V-spotted backdoor.
Looks like they're
requesting $5 million to promote
[KEYBOARD CLACKS]
- mental health.
- Unbelievable.
What a bunch of Paddingtons, right?
- [PATRICK] Hmm.
- We don't need to go
near controversial topics.
No, no, no.
What is your opinion
of Paddington, soldier?
There's another word for a bear
that lives in your house rent-free,
eating your marmalade. A bum.
- Hmm, that's the one.
- [PATRICK] Thank you.
This little bear, he's got no
job, but he's got a briefcase.
What's in the briefcase? You tell me.
I'll tell you what's in
the briefcase. Not pants.
He doesn't wear any. You know what?
I like to cut of your jib.
Have yourself some meat gum.
Hey. Okay. All right,
look at this dynamic duo.
It's like, uh, I don't even
need to be here, right?
- What?
- What am I doing here, right?
- What are you doing here?
- Hmm.
I like hackin'. I know it's a nerd word.
But it's the only thing about
computers I think sounds tough.
Like Gene Hackman, Hacksaw Ridge.
Wow, I really wish I knew
something about computers.
Since today's task seems
pretty computer dependent.
We're okay here.
I think you can go ahead
and take your little trip now.
- Trip? Oh, the trip.
- Yep. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I actually
totally forgot about it.
I mean, I could check on tickets
if they're still available,
- I don't know.
- Great. Go have fun.
- And we'll see you later.
- If you need me, you know
All right, you can get out of here, bud.
Just, you know,
makin' sure you're all set.
- Dynamic duo.
- [PATRICK] All right, bye.
You ever seen
Indiana Jones?
When he pulls the little sandbag switch
and he thinks he got away with
it till the big boulder
comes rumblin' thunderin'
down after him.
You know why? 'Cause
the boulder wasn't fooled.
I'm the boulder.
I only saw the one with Shia LaBeouf.
I'm-I'm a bit lost here.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
So you, uh, you seem pretty down,
and I'm just wondering
if it has anything to do
with that woman who kissed you
and slapped you and gave you a bag.
What's in the bag?
Nothing you need to worry about.
Well, no, I'm not worried,
I'm just, you know,
asking questions as a friend
and sometimes friends answer.
I gotta go in here. I'll be right back.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[DANA] I know it's last minute.
Yeah, it's over three kilos,
but I'll-I'll still take care
of it for you.
Oh, I appreciate you, Lars.
You know, I owe you, right?
- Do you wanna leave it here or?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I feel much safer with it with me.
- [SNEEZES]
- Bless you.
Ooh.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- That's just my friend.
- You know what?
There was no way anything was gonna stop
this anniversary trip, and the colonel
- was pretty cool about it.
- Yeah?
Not that I'm thinkin' about
the colonel, but you know what?
Just call me Colin Farrell,
because my head
is already in Bruges.
- Woo-hoo.
- Oh!
I guess that makes me Brendan Gleeson.
- Oh! Well, he's a good actor.
- [PATRICK] Hey!
- Hey, a little help?
- Hey.
You guys, uh, headin' out
on your little anniversary trip, huh?
Sure are. Yeah. What are you
two doin' out here?
I thought you were working and
that you hated disc golf.
You know what? I apologize for that.
Because now
I realize the error in my ways.
Papadakis and I were working
away, my-my brain was melting,
staring at that computer
while we were hacking,
and he said,
I know the perfect antidote.
He says, "disc golf."
Before I can say no, he says,
- "how can you say no"
- no.
- Mm-hmm.
- "before you say"
- say yes?
- Wow!
Anyways, so now I guess we're
- kind of throw bros.
- [ABRAHAM] Oh, wow.
- You got a handshake, too.
- That so nice for you guys.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, we'll see you guys on, uh, Monday.
Just one second. Just one second here.
Okay, so this is kind of funny,
because I brought in Papadakis
here as glorified IT.
- I know.
- Yeah, here you are
just-just hittin' it off.
We've got this natural dynamic.
It's like
- It just works.
- Do you?
Yeah, push-pull.
Yin-yang. Lennon and McCartney.
- We're makin' music together.
- Making music.
Crazy, yeah. Here's the thing about him.
- That's Yeah. Yeah.
- He
- He's not a yes man.
- You know what?
[PAPADAKIS] Yeah,
he's gonna say something.
I love a good challenge.
Why don't we make this a foursome?
You and your friend versus me
- and my friend. Wife.
- Wife.
- We're never gonna be friends.
- Let's go.
We got this. Let's go. Huh? Huh!
- Latte?
- No, I'm actually gonna go back.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
And it's a small town,
distinctive shoes, so.
You should try having secrets
that I could discover, yeah?
- Hm?
- Hm. [CHUCKLES]
Uh
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[WOMAN ON SPEAKER] Find your way
back to Warrior Two.
Stretch those arms to the left
and come back to center.
Jan.
[WOMAN ON SPEAKER]
Now to the other side.
Reach all the way.
- Jan.
- Shh!
Namaste, Maggie Quinn.
Sorry. I just need
your help with something.
I knew this moment would come,
and I am flattered that you asked,
but I simply cannot
donate any more sperm.
Apparently, now my chromosomes
are a threat to genetic diversity.
No, that's No, thank you.
I just need you to tell me,
in your expert opinion,
if this bag is full of drugs.
If you can't remember,
there's a good chance it is.
It's not my bag. It is my friend's bag.
And why don't you just
open it, then? Let's see.
Well, that would
violate my friend's trust.
But if I had to guess,
I would say that it feels like
three kilos of something very powdery.
Three kilos? Give it here.
[EXHALES]
- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm sorry to inform you,
- but this bag is not drugs.
- You're sure?
Honey, I've been escorted
out of Amsterdam twice.
- Yes, I'm sure.
- Okay.
Well, that is a relief to hear.
Y'know, I mean, the drugs part.
Everything you said is very disturbing.
What are you doing?
I said don't open it.
Oh, yes. That is something you said.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, my short term memory
is not good on account of real drugs.
But you'll be happy to hear that
your friend's cremated remains
appear to be in excellent condition.
- Cremated remains?
- Hm.
Shh.
[WHISPERS]
Cremated remains? Why would
Why would she be smuggling
cremated remains
- across the border?
- Sometimes you just have to
make a body disappear.
And even the local police are scary good
- at finding DNA these days.
- Bah!
And I'm sort of an expert on DNA
on account of all the sperm I give out.
[CHAIN JINGLING]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Let me show you how we do it
at SUNY Binghamton.
Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.
Oh-ho! Gun. Gun. Gun.
- What?
- Relax. It's a BB gun.
Yeah, we're not playing
the normal crap ways.
- Playing colonel rules.
- [PATRICK] That's right.
It's more interesting. Makes it harder.
Okay, if we leave right now,
we could still make it
to dinner at the Pizza Hut
in the 500-year-old castle.
And I know you want to do that.
That sounds lame-bos.
I like you 'cause you speak,
everything you have on your mind
comes right out of your mouth.
You know what?
You're gonna make a great XO one day.
Even for me, maybe.
- Oh!
- Oh! Hey!
- Shah's rules.
- Abe, why? He's bleeding.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
Totally unprovoked attack
- on an innocent bystander.
- Unprovoked?
- Yes.
- One minute I'm the only guy
in the world who can help you,
and the next,
you're flipping discs with this guy
because you both hate Paddington.
You know, you should be
one talking to people
about how they're treated.
You've been Indiana Jonesing me
this whole time? I can't believe
you did this to me.
You know, first you, first you leave me
for that half a funeral
six years ago, and now this?
- Forget it. Yeah, we're done.
- I did this to you?
You know what? You know what?
I'm gonna give you
the next five weekends off,
and you can go visit
all the tiniest countries in Europe
- and have boring sex there.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Okay?
- Stop it!
You've gone way past being co-workers
to being a codependent obsession.
- We just work together.
- Well, we just work together.
I used to blame you
for ruining our marriage,
but now I'm realizing it
takes two to play Frisbee golf.
And our sex, by the way,
is exotic and spontaneous
and sometimes quite kinky.
Okay.
I just wanted a nice weekend
with my husband for our anniversary,
and neither of you
wanted to give me that.
The only difference is only one of you
vowed to put me first
for the rest of your life.
[PAPADAKIS] That hurts.
And this hurts, too.
My nose.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Whoa!
- So I stole your bag. Get in.
- You don't say.
- What is going on with you?
- I opened the bag.
So I know that there's remains in there
which I can't unknow or unsmell.
And I need you to know
that I'm your friend, Dana.
I'm-I'm gonna do whatever
I can to help you, okay?
I'll call an attorney.
I'll call a funeral home.
I'll call a doctor.
It's probably too late
for a doctor, but
but I will do whatever you ask me, okay?
Because I know that you
would do the same for me.
- Maggie.
- Yeah.
- They're dog ashes.
- They're dog ashes.
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- They're dog ashes?
My sweet little Paprika, to be exact.
Wait, what? [BREATHES DEEPLY]
Why were you being
so secretive about it?
Because I told you repeatedly
I didn't want to talk about it.
Uh, I'm just saying that sometimes
being a friend is just being there.
Well, passivity is not my strong suit.
But-but I'm gonna, you know,
get working on that.
[CHUCKLES] I can't believe that you
Stole the bag? Yeah, yeah,
I suck. I'm [SCOFFS]
No, I can't believe
that you were willing
to do anything for me. Like that is
That's sweet. You're a real one.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- So
That girl that you saw me
arguing with at the salon.
- Okay.
- That was actually
my ex-girlfriend, Annie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Yeah, we lived together in Germany,
and for some reason,
we kept adopting elderly greyhounds,
which I do not recommend.
Cause at first, they're already
like little skeletons,
and then by the end,
they're tiny grim reapers
lurking around your home just
waiting to break your heart.
- [SMACKS LIPS] Oh.
- Yeah.
Paprika was the last dog
we adopted together.
And when she died a couple weeks ago,
I asked Annie to do me a favor
and drive her ashes across the border
so they didn't get caught up in customs.
And the sketchy guy
at the antique store
Was hooking me up with an urn.
[SIGHS] I'm so sorry
for your loss. Come here.
Okay, I guess talking about
things isn't so bad.
Wow, that relationship with your
ex seems really complicated.
- Yeah, the sharing portion is over.
- Okay.
[CELESTE] It's ridiculous
- and it-it keeps happening.
- I know. I know. Look.
I'm sorry about the trip, okay?
I know I do this.
I do blame work and the colonel
for our relationship problems,
but you're right. It's my fault, too.
Okay, from now on, when it is our time,
the colonel no longer exists.
[PATRICK] Hey, why is the door locked?
- [CELESTE] He has a key?
- [SIGHS]
Okay, it's just for emergencies
and snacks.
- I will change the locks.
- All right, good.
Listen up. Ah. I need you
to work next weekend.
- I can't do it.
- Yeah. You have to do it.
I'll tell you why,
because I was thinkin' about
the appropriations. But we're
never gonna get the funding
we need to fix everything
that's broken on the base.
I think we turn Stroopsdorf
into a destination
for, like, summits and-and peace talks
and maybe even war-planning, okay?
Okay, yeah,
secure, low profile destination
with high-end accommodation.
Sounds useful.
- But it's a bad time for that.
- It's a bad time for that.
Bad time for that.
Okay, I need you
to take this proposal, okay?
To the commander of Benelux
and wait three days for a response
'cause it's time sensitive,
okay? And we need permission.
And he is at a conference in Paris.
And I need you to take
this Public Affairs Officer with you
because she is gonna
write the press release
if you, in fact get permission.
I have always wanted to go to Paris.
[GRUNTS] Yeah.
I'm just gonna
grab these pretzels and
Oh, my God. No, these are the
ones I told you to stop getting.
They're too dry. I mean,
I'm gonna eat them anyways,
but I'll make a list.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- Hey, colonel?
- Yeah.
Hey!
- Hey.
- Um Thank you.
Hey, listen, man, I've been
through so many divorces
I can smell one coming from a mile away.
I just thought maybe
just a little Febreze
to take the stink off.
Look, some of the things I said
I didn't mean.
It's just that this, um
working relationship
is important to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.
I mean, I'm the, you know, uh
[INHALES] to me,
you're my favorite, uh
co-worker I've ever had.
Like, I feel like
we're really, you know,
we're so, uh perfect together
that when you go away,
I'm like, "what am I gonna do?
Um, who can I co work with?"
And I can't really with anybody, so.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- I think I got something
- in my eye right now.
- Yeah, me too.
- I got something.
- Ah.
- Paprika.
- Oh.
Paprika. Oh, that
That explains it.
- Doesn't
- Yeah.
- It doesn't taste like paprika.
- Yeah. [SNIFFS]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Sir. Permission to
not be your friend anymore.
Oh, Papadakis that whole thing was fake.
I know it started out that way,
but like all great movies,
and it turned into something real.
And I'm just here to let you know
that it is not gonna
work out between us.
Hell, I couldn't handle
being your fake friend.
I think the real thing would kill me.
Guess what I'm trying
to say is goodbye, man.
Goodbye to us
hanging out on the weekend.
[THUDS]
I didn't earn this meat gum.
Have a good life.
What the hell is going on?
[SOFTLY] I think you just got dumped.