Leanne (2025) s02e06 Episode Script

[upbeat theme music playing]
[lively music playing]
[membership scanner beeps]
-Did you just see what happened?
-I did.
That is unbelievable.
Is it?
Yes. I'm not even
big bulk store hot anymore.
[membership scanner beeps]
Yo!
Leanne ♪
It's a minefield for men these days.
For every woman that wants them
to hold that door open,
there's another who will take offense.
He was willing to roll the dice
on Little Miss Lululemon.
She was wearing yoga pants.
They come with the promise
that at some point she'll bend over.
I used to get objectified like that.
Oh, let it go,
1987 Cornbread Queen runner-up.
I would have won too,
but Daddy said that
baton twirling was too slutty.
Boo-hoo.
You're now officially a human being.
I don't want to be human.
I want to be pretty.
It was an isolated incident, Leanne.
One dumb dude didn't notice you.
I pray you're right, Carol. I really do.
[customers chattering indistinctly]
A little help?
Just grab the low ones.
What is happening to me?
Am I a ghost?
Can you put your hand through me?
I think being invisible is great.
I've gone to the same
free-sample guy nine times.
Nine Vienna sausages, no questions asked.
Free sausage would
normally make me feel better.
But not today, Carol.
Not today.
That's the downside
of all those beauty pageants, Leanne.
The bigger the hair, the harder the fall.
That's society's fault.
People shouldn't have been
staring at me all the time
if they weren't gonna do it my whole life.
Sausage?
Oh, that is good.
-Let's go hit him up for number ten.
-Mm.
[lilting music playing]
Well, well, well, would you look at that.
What?
Connie Kennard just paraded in here
with her brand-new face.
Don't look.
You can't point out plastic surgery
and tell me not to look.
Okay, ten o'clock.
Twelve, eleven, ten.
Oh, my Lord.
Where did all of her other chins go?
I heard she used every penny
of her husband's slip-and-fall settlement.
Oh.
Why didn't I marry a man
that slipped and fell?
I gotta find out what magician did that.
You-- You can't.
Why not? It's just a phone number.
Because you just-- [scoffs]
You just don't-- You--
You can't-- You can't--
Just get it for both of us.
Hey, girl.
Where you been hiding?
[whimsical music playing]
[Carol] You're getting plastic surgery
because no one flirted with you
while you were buying in bulk?
No, because I ran into Connie Kennard.
That woman is ten years older than me
and she looks like she could sell
Thin Mints outside the grocery store.
[Carol scoffs]
She doesn't even
look like herself anymore.
Exactly. That's why Mary and I booked
consultations with her guy in Nashville.
Mary?
Wow, any enabler in a storm.
Pretty hypocritical for someone who
begged for braces when they were a kid.
My teeth looked like
a box of French fries.
And look at you now, you're perfect.
It's my turn for a little jeuje.
The first jeuje is
a gateway procedure, Leanne.
It's all fun and games,
then suddenly you're chasing the dragon
all the way to Joan Rivers.
No, no, I just want
the basic upsy-daisy, one and done.
You're going to walk in there,
and he's going to see
his next vacation in France
because you are gullible.
So come with me.
Oh, I want no part of that.
Okay, but are you going
to be able to live with yourself
when I can't close my new eyes
and I'm tipping over
on my teeny-tiny new feet?
The fact that you think
they do foot reduction
is reason enough for me to go.
-You won't regret it.
-Oh, I already do. Mm.
[lilting music playing]
[Mary] Oh, my goodness,
the three of us
on the open road. [exclaims]
Why haven't we done this before?
Carol, Carol, Bo-barol
Banana fanna fo-farol ♪
Mee mi mo-marol ♪
Carol ♪
[laughs] Now do me.
[chuckles] Fine, I'll jump in.
Mary, Mary, bo-bary
Banana fanna fo-fary ♪
Mee ma mo-Mary ♪
Mary ♪
[Mary laughs]
Slam on the brakes,
maybe she'll hit her head.
[lively music playing]
Hey.
Beer's cold, cards are hot, where are you?
Oh, ain't like you're
a pallbearer or anything.
Just sneak out.
They won't even notice you're gone.
Oh, come on.
Margaret's with her sister, the girls are…
Ah, all right, forget it.
Anyway, I got a sweet-ass pension check
burning a hole in my pocket.
Yeah, I hear the organ music.
Yeah, get back to it.
[grumbling]
Who else? Who else?
Let's see.
Dead.
Cheats.
Ah, there's my rube.
Bill, John, yeah.
Sink's overflowing,
bring some tools and $200 in cash.
[lilting music playing]
I know why you're doing this,
but what's Mary's deal?
I didn't want to ask
because it would be rude.
Oh, you're probably right. Mary!
-Yes?
-What are you listening to?
The Bible.
As read by Rachael Ray.
Seriously?
Oh, yeah. She's got a great recipe
for every animal in the ark. Mwah!
So, uh, what physical demon
are you trying to wrestle to the ground?
I might be in the market
for an enhancement…
[clears throat] …or two.
So a boob job.
That's rather vulgar,
but yes.
But you are perfectly proportioned,
like a little doll.
Paper doll.
You two wouldn't understand.
You're both naturally buxom.
I'm still wearing the bra
I wore in the sixth grade.
So am I.
People thought I was a substitute teacher.
I just always wanted
to feel a little more womanly.
Growing up, all the girls
were developing aggressively.
I kept saying, "Hang in there, Mary.
The mammary fairies are coming."
[sighs] Unanswered prayers.
I think the boob fairy skipped
your house and came to ours twice.
And she brought her friend,
the mustache bunny.
I drank whole milk,
ate the chicken with the hormones,
all the soybeans I could find.
And yet, I could not gain a pound
in any of the right places.
How awful for you.
I guess I'm destined to always be skinny,
no matter how much I eat.
All right, wrap it up, Flat Stanley.
[whimsical music playing]
Hey, John, which sink?
What's that all about?
Oh, it's my weekend with Clem.
Who's Clem?
The person on my chest.
When did that happen?
Well, you remember
when I impregnated a dentist
and destroyed my marriage
with your daughter?
I mean the name.
What's gonna become of that little fellow
with a name like Clem?
I don't know. Tilt-a-Whirl operator?
Hey,
don't crap on honest work.
Let's play some cards.
Well, where's the leak? You made it
sound like the place is flooding.
Fixed itself.
Spin that baby around,
and I'll deal 'em out.
Oh, so that's why
you wanted me to bring money.
Hope you got your brains
from your mother, kid.
Cut 'em.
[lilting music playing]
[Carol] According to that map,
we are very close to the pharaoh's tomb.
I'm just making some surgical landmarks.
If we lift the platysmal bands,
it'll tighten the jawline.
Can you repeat that?
I blacked out the minute
you took the cap off that Sharpie.
He's gonna carve you up
like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Actually, we're a spiral ham family.
[laughing]
We're laughing all the way
to an empty bank account.
Am I expensive?
Yeah, but
you shouldn't be discount shopping
when it comes to your face.
You're gonna be wearing that
every day for the rest of your life.
The upsell has begun.
-Carol.
-[doctor] No, no, no, it's all right.
This is a big decision,
and I want you taking it seriously.
Now, smile.
You do not want him
to sew that into place.
Okay, a little less
like an animal baring its teeth.
I'm so nervous,
I've forgotten how to smile.
Leanne, you are a beautiful woman.
It would be my privilege
to enhance what you've already got.
Aw.
There it is.
Now, this is your before.
It's a lot more ink than I expected.
And this is your after.
Do you accept the Discover card?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. [scoffs]
You aren't asking
any of the important questions.
What's the recovery time?
Six weeks.
-Is she still gonna look like herself?
-Better.
And you talk about drainage,
but nothing about what's draining
and where it's going.
If it's draining, it's leaving.
Maybe I'll lose a pound or two.
By the way, Carol,
I did a quick markup of your eyes.
There's nothing wrong with my eyes.
[gasps]
Holy smokes.
[gasps]
Well, I can't have eyes that young
with a nose this old.
It'll look ridiculous.
[whimsical music playing]
[Clem crying]
[Daddy John] I called.
Turned your cards over. I won.
I'm doing my best over here, John.
Just put him down.
He'll cry himself to sleep eventually.
Carol always did.
I don't get it.
Faye told me if I swaddled him,
he'd doze right off.
Well, what have you got him
strapped into there? A straitjacket?
It's a state-of-the-art swaddling system.
Get him out of that contraption.
Damn thing's probably
made in China anyway.
No. As a matter of fact, it…
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you want him to sleep,
not be airlifted out of a canyon.
Bring him over here.
[Clem crying softly]
Do I have to do everything myself?
"Yes, you do, John."
-Put him there.
-All right.
Head up at the top.
There you go. Shh, shh, shh.
-There you go.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-[Daddy John] Okay.
One, two,
flippity-do.
Time to sleep. Choo-choo-choo.
Well, well, well.
The soft side of John Hayes.
Shut up, or I'll flippity-do you.
[whimsical music playing]
Okay, we'll hide out in a hotel
for a while, while we heal,
but we'll tell everyone
we're building houses
for, uh, poor people or deaf dogs.
I don't know, I'm spitballing.
All I know is once this is done,
I'm gonna be floating through a Kohl's
and as God is my witness,
I will never touch a doorknob again.
Hey, y'all.
[scoffs] Carol, my eyes are up here.
Oh, how I've longed to say that. [giggles]
They're like a 3-D movie,
and they're coming right at us.
They gave me a weighted bra
to try out different sizes.
Oh! These cardigan buttons
are being put to the test.
Yeah, I have this weird urge
to reach out and honk them.
I have a weird urge to let you.
They look so perky.
Wonder if they can raise mine
back up the flagpole.
-Oh, I'd salute them.
-[Leanne chuckles]
Let's do it!
Let's get a six-pack!
It's worth it, right?
[gagging]
-I heard yes.
-Oh, me too.
Kings over sevens.
Look away, Clem.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Not in front of my son.
The sooner he learns
he's on his own in this world, the better.
Three of a kind. Read 'em and weep.
-[Clem weeping]
-Not you.
Now look what you did.
I didn't do anything.
He just realized
you lost his college fund.
Oh, yeah, like a kid
named Clem's going to college.
Yeah, well, some names are meant
to be sewn on the tag of a shirt.
Meet me on the couch
and bring that warm bottle.
Right. It's not even dinnertime yet,
and I'm exhausted.
-How did we ever do this?
-We didn't. Our wives did.
How come you're so good at it?
Because you got to have skills,
so when she yells at you for not helping,
she's wrong.
-Give me that.
-Here you go.
Hey, little guy, hey, hey, hey.
I know.
A couple of tips.
First, hold the bottle
at a 45-degree angle.
Second, when you bend your cards,
I can read them.
I don't bend my cards.
I just won 14 consecutive hands.
Well, that's cheating.
No, that's losing.
Yum-yum in the tum-tum.
How did I never think
to marry a plastic surgeon?
Right? I bet he's got Botox
laying around the house
like we've got Skittles.
-[Carol chuckles]
-Oh, my Lord, to be Mrs. Dr. Barnes.
Oh, he's handsome, he's suave, he's rich,
and all the free plastic surgery
you ever wanted.
One of my ex-husbands
managed Spencer's Gifts.
All I got was a free fart whistle.
Yeah, but what if you get in a fight
or he gets tired of your meatloaf?
You go in for the latest nip-tuck
and you wake up looking like a Picasso.
If you wake up at all.
At least you're not ugly.
You're right, it's worth it.
[gasps] Ooh! Ooh! Buc-ee's!
Oh, don't you want to just get home?
No, we need sour candy and brisket.
[sighs] Fine.
Oh! Brisket on the board! [chuckles]
-Let me get symmetrical first.
-[Carol] Mm.
Oh, look at that.
-Airbags in the back.
-[Leanne] Mm-hmm.
Be quick and bring me taffy.
Oh, Carol, walk behind me
and tell me how people react.
Do I really want to do this?
[Leanne] Yes, you do.
Look at those crow's feet.
I prefer "laugh lines."
Nothing funny about those.
Whose side are you on?
Our side.
You're too nice to say this to us,
but you're starting to look like
a melted Léan Candle.
[muffled] Still here.
Why are you still here?
To reflect the truth.
Look at those nasal labial folds.
You could roll gutter balls
into those things.
I wasn't aware that there was a part of me
that was quite this mean.
So you weren't the girl who bullied
half the cheer squad into bulimia?
How else were we going to win State?
Now, what are we going to do
about this mess?
I am not a mess.
Every one of these lines
represents something in my life.
You don't get crow's feet
without laughing.
You don't get worry lines without caring.
Do you want me to erase those?
[exhales] I think we know
what side I'm on.
If I wipe away these lines,
I'm wiping away Christmases, birthdays,
ballet recitals, and scraped knees.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love your kids.
Hot take on motherhood.
Now, come to the knife, Leanne.
No.
[in singsong] Leanne.
We're beautiful inside and out.
Well, me, not you.
See? Mean.
I'll show you mean.
Dear Lord, I'm my own pageant mom.
Oh, let me catch my breath.
[inhales]
Good gravy, look at 'em when I breathe.
[exhales]
Hey, John, you want a cold one?
[Daddy John snoring]
That's absolutely adorable.
One, two, flippity-doo.
[Daddy John snoring loudly]
Choo-choo-choo.
Wait.
A rearview mirror
wrecked our plans for new faces?
It wasn't the rearview mirror.
It was the vanity mirror.
Leanne, I'm going to ask you this,
and there's no judgment attached,
but did you steal drugs
from the doctor's office?
Why are you so mad at me?
You didn't want me to do this
in the first place.
Because now I want new eyes
and possibly a nose, and it's your fault!
-You are beautiful as you are.
-[Carol exhales sharply]
Now I can't unsee iPad Carol.
Her future's so bright.
Mary, you still good for the fifth
to get all this done?
You know…
Don't you quit on me, Mary!
Well, I've been thinking,
why get all cut up
when I can just wear the bra?
I mean, I don't want to wear these
into church, but to the grocery store?
Oh, yeah.
I hate both of you.
No, you don't.
You're secretly proud of us
for being happy with who we are.
[police siren chirps]
Uh-oh. The po-po.
Mary, hand me your boobs.
[lively music playing]
[closing theme music playing]
Leanne ♪
Leanne ♪