On the Buses (1969) s02e06 Episode Script

On the Buses, number six, part one, production number 0261, date recorded 20th
of the 6th, 69, take one.
Two weeks in Spain, all go and collect your tickets today.
Great stuff.
You're not going on, are you?
Of course I am.
Two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain, mate.
How do you know you're gonna like it in Spain anyway?
Because you're gonna be back here in England.
Hey, Jack, see this, mate?
The tickets have arrived, boy.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Oh, Bert was telling me the birds are knee-deep on the beaches.
Oh, just think, they're lying there now in the sun waiting for us.
And in three days' time, they'll just be ripe.
Yeah, just like, just like melons.
You have to squeeze them to see if they're ready.
You two weak-kneed, washed-out Romeos.
You think beautiful girls are gonna bother with you two?
Not unless the sun's driven them delirious first.
Don't you worry, mate.
We've got a good gimmick.
Come here, Jack, show him, show him.
How about that?
A camera?
What's good, sir?
Listen, mate, this is a special one.
I borrowed it off Bert.
You get the picture straight away.
See, you just pull it out the back there, like that.
Birds fall for it, you see.
They think we're a couple of these photographers from Chelsea, you see.
I pose them, he snaps them.
Girls in Spain are never gonna fall for that old guff.
You don't know about Spain, mate.
They fell for it for a wet weekend in Yarmouth last year.
Come on, miss, we're organised.
Yeah, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you something, look.
I've got the tape measure, he's got the camera.
Tape measure?
You mean to tell me the girls are gonna fall for that?
They think we're gonna put their pictures on the front of the magazines.
Magazine?
Busman's Gazette?
Listen, mate, as soon as the birds know they're gonna be photographed, they
start stripping off.
They do?
Yeah, yeah.
Disgusting.
Yeah, that's the beauty of it.
Eileen, darling, do you want your picture taken?
What, now?
Yeah, it's one of them new cameras.
A couple of seconds and you can see the picture.
Oh, yeah, I've heard about them.
All right.
Yeah, all right.
Just stand here, darling.
Just a minute.
Must take my jacket off.
What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you?
Hey, give me another half hour.
Mate, they're standing there in a ticket machine.
Yeah, well, you'd better measure the focus, Stan.
Oh, I thought
Yes, I'd better.
Would you hold the
I'll hold that, then.
Where shall we take it to, then, Jack?
Well, which bit do we want in sharpest focus?
Well, I don't know yet, really.
Well, measure it
I'll tell you what, Stanley.
Measure it to the nearest point, then.
Perhaps on second thoughts, we'd better measure it to the second nearest point.
I know, yeah.
How's that?
That's lovely.
Thank you very much.
Right, hold that, darling.
That's lovely.
There we go.
Can I see it now?
Oh, it just takes a few seconds to develop, love.
Oh.
Oh, well, I'll go and get me way, Bill, then.
I'll be back.
Yes, but that tape measure only measures the distance to your subject.
I mean, what about the distance on the camera, this distance finder?
He ain't got one.
He's got a fixed focus.
That's not ideal, is he?
You're depraved, the pair of you.
Oh, now, Stan, look at that, mate.
Hey, we can see what your minds was on, can't we?
Yeah.
Well, you've got to admit, it was in focus.
Well, that one is, anyway.
Two lazy, lecherous layabouts.
Decent girls ain't safe with a pair of you about.
We don't only take birds, we take fellas as well, don't we?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
We'll do you a favour.
We'll take one of you.
How's that?
Yeah.
It's an idea, yes.
I could send one to me old mother.
She's never had one of me taken in me uniform in a demo before.
Yeah, that's understandable.
All right, then.
Well, we'd better take him side face, I think, Stan.
All right, Stan, just a minute there.
Well, which is his best side?
Blimey, he ain't got one.
Stop mucking me about.
Are you going to take the picture or not?
We're trying to find
What?
What?
Ah, yeah.
Marvellous idea, Jack.
You with the bus in the background.
Ah, the bus in the background, yeah.
I thought you'd like that.
I thought you'd like that.
All right, boy.
Oh, that's lovely.
Now, smile a bit, Blakey.
I am smiling.
Say cheese.
Cheese.
No, no, you'll have to do it more than that.
It doesn't show up on a small picture.
Look, lift your top lip up and show them.
Because you've got nice choppers.
Yeah, a bit more.
That's it, that's it.
That's it, that's it, Blake.
I'm not ready yet.
Hang about, I'll show it to you.
Here you two, I've got your holiday tickets.
You've got to sign for them.
Oh, good.
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
Do you know what?
I might take my snorkel and me underwater flippers, Jack.
Yeah, I think I'll pack my water wings.
Well, you can take your deep-sea diving kit for all I care, but don't forget,
only £33 of baggage are allowed.
Is that all?
That's all.
Would that mean that if we're over the top, we've got to pay?
Yeah, it's all there in the envelope.
And about the plane, the hotel, everything.
And don't forget, coach leaves here at 10 o'clock Saturday night.
All right?
Thanks, Dobby.
Oh, Blakey boy.
Oh, those beautiful birds in Spain.
You know, I feel sorry for them, really.
I mean, there's so many of them and there's only one of me.
Still, I'll do my best to spread myself round a bit.
Never mind about thinking about picking beautiful young girls up off the beach.
Get in that bus over there and think about picking up some ugly old girls in
the high street.
Go on, then.
Get in the bus.
You're late.
All right, we take it you don't want to see your picture, then.
Oh, is it
It's finished, is it?
Oh, Stanley, now, that is a very good likeness.
That is a marvellous picture.
That's very, very good indeed.
Is it like me, is it?
Oh, yeah.
You think me mother will recognise me?
Oh, definitely.
Well, that's nothing like me at all.
That's not me, is it?
It must be.
It says so on the side.
Have a row, I've got tickets.
Have a row.
Bye-bye.
Oh, two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain.
Oh, aren't he lucky, Arthur, getting away from this terrible weather.
I don't really see the point.
He'll probably catch pneumonia when he gets home.
Oh, shut up.
What do you want to go to Spain for, anyway?
Because it's different.
It's got a different sort of an atmosphere, that's why.
It certainly has with air plumbing.
How would you know?
Blimey, you and her only go to Lowestoft every year.
Oh, it's very nice, Stan.
They have lovely bloaters.
Oh, yes, it has happy memories for them, love.
They went there on their honeymoon.
I've never been able to look a bloater in the face since.
Ah, it's a lovely place when you're newly married.
I remember it well.
Did you go there on your honeymoon?
No, she cabled us on hers.
It's a shame.
It's so expensive, love.
Otherwise, I'd have come to Spain with you.
Yeah, it is, but it doesn't make any difference.
It wouldn't suit you there, Mum.
No, you save it up for his honeymoon.
The only thing that's wrong with Lowestoft is generally it's too cold for me to
wear my bikini.
Yeah, well, of course that is one of the advances they're going.
Oh, well, the food's British anyway, and you don't get upset like you do in
Spain.
Ooh, I must pop down to the chemist's, get your pills.
I don't want any pills.
Of course you do, cos you get the collywobbles.
Oh, that's the front door.
Oh, that'll be Jack Olive.
Let him in, will you, love?
Jack?
Yeah.
Ooh, I'm worried about you going with Jack.
Here, you won't get up to any mischief, will you, love?
Mum, look, to assure you, we're just going out for a few arrests.
Ah, yes, yes.
Hello, Mrs V.
Oh, hello, love.
Cockatoo, dear.
Ah, no, thanks, I've just had one here.
I've got some smashing gear for the beach for us to impress the birds.
Hey, birds?
I thought you were going for a rest.
Er, what he meant was, er, he's got a bit of gear to make us look smart.
How about those?
You can't win!
That is not decent!
It's all right!
It's all right, you can go in the water with them and all.
Oh, well, I hope they're shrink-proof.
I mean, that could be very embarrassing.
It could be very painful, too.
Oh, well, you won't be able to go on the beach not in them things for only five
minutes the first day.
I read all about Spain.
You go red.
And our family got such delicate skins, love.
Oh, yes.
Remember that first time at Lowestoft when I got so sunburnt on the first day,
Arthur?
I was so sore for the rest of our stay I couldn't bear Arthur to touch me.
Oh, I remember that.
Yeah, it was a very good holiday.
Now, you won't be able to go on the beach in the first week not with those
things on.
No, perhaps the old girl's right.
Oh, I've got plenty.
I've got them cheap at the job lot.
Oh, that's all right!
Ah, now that's better.
You can go sunbathing in that.
Look at that, see.
It's a pity we can't all get a bit of sun, baby, before we give ourselves a bit
of a start.
Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to turn up all nice and sunburned for the birds,
wouldn't it?
I can see it all now.
You two wandering around them Spanish beaches looking like a couple of randy
lobsters.
I don't like that sort of talk.
Nor me.
We may be randy, but we won't look like lobsters.
Spain!
It's a pity we ain't at the sun foundation, isn't it?
I could give you a quick rub down with some diesel oil if you like.
Am I getting brown?
You're not, but your goose pimples are.
Yeah, it's a bit nippy here, isn't it?
Shall we turn it in?
We've still got five minutes left.
Yeah, all right then.
Oh, blimey, it's nippy that way.
Might as well turn it in.
I mean, we don't want to overdo it, do we?
No, not good.
Oh, Jack!
Oh, Jack!
Have you seen my clothes?
No, I never touched them.
Well, somebody's had them.
You sure?
Here.
I reckon somebody's pinched them.
I've got mine, all right.
Well, I haven't.
Where's mine?
Where are they?
Well, fancy leaving them now, you stupid nit.
I mean, that's asking for trouble, isn't it?
Well, if you don't shut your gob, you'll be asking for trouble.
Well, if somebody's pinched your clothes, you'll just have to go back like
that, won't you?
I can't drive through town like this, mate.
I'm a bus driver, not Lady Godiva.
Huh?
I don't know what you're worried about.
She got away with it.
Well, I'm not waiting here for me hair to grow.
What are you
doing?
I've told you to get in that cab.
Look, I'm not driving the bus through the town like this.
Look, mate, we are seven minutes late.
Get in.
What do I say if a cop has stopped me?
Well, tell him it's the bus company's latest gimmick, topless drivers.
Any more cracks like that and you will be a toothless conductor.
I'm telling you, I'm not driving through the town like this.
Late again, Butler.
What excuse is it this time, eh?
Well, we, er
We had a bit of an hold-up at the cemetery gates.
Cemetery gates?
You know I've come out with some strokes, mate.
That cemetery gates, nothing ever happens at that dead-and-alive hole.
Come on, get out.
You, er
You started your ologies a bit earlier or something.
This is a city bus depot, mate, not the Costa Brava.
Gets a bit hot in that cab, see?
Hot in the cab?
You know the regulations, Butler.
Busmen are not allowed to remove their trousers whilst on duty.
Gets a bit hot.
I suppose every time it gets a bit hot you whip your trousers off, do you?
I've read about blokes like you in the Sunday papers, mate.
Just a minute.
Don't intimidate him.
As shop steward, I'm here to tell you he is within his rights.
Within his rights?
What right's he got to take his trousers off?
I'm sorry.
I can't overlook this, mate.
Just take a look at it.
Look at the ghastly, horrible, disgusting sight it is.
Well, if I'd have known you'd have felt like that, I'd have given me legs a rub
down with emery paper.
I'm sorry.
I can't overlook this, son.
You can't go around wearing what you like, you know.
Why do you let them Indians wear their turbans?
That is for their religion.
Well, I'm dressed like this because of my religion.
What?
Yeah, it's one of them gurus.
Am I?
Maharishi Butler.
Maharishi Butler.
I suppose he sits in that cab up there contemplating his navel at the traffic
lights waiting to see it go from red to green.
Get them trousers on, quick.
I can't.
I can't, I tell you.
Well, all right, I'll tell you the truth.
We was doing a bit of sunbathing down the cemetery and they got nicked.
Sunbathing?
And you just took your trousers off?
Takes all sorts, I suppose.
Look, I
Can't you see they're left with their sleeves and a coat?
This is not my coat and not my pullover.
They belong to Jack here.
They nicked all me uniform.
I'm afraid I'll have to report that to the management.
What?
You'll have to pay for that, you know that, don't you?
Yes, they'll probably sort that out, your bonus money.
Oh, no, turn it in, Blake.
You play the white man, mate.
No, I need that money.
I'm going on me holidays tonight.
Couldn't you just say it was damaged in an accident or something?
Yeah, yeah.
I could, but I'm not going to.
No, we've all got our job to do, mate.
You'd better go up to the stores and get yourself a new uniform.
Blimey, the way you carry on, you wouldn't think it was me uniform they nicked.
You'd think it was the bus.
Nothing would surprise me about you, mate.
As a matter of fact, perhaps I'd better go round and see if this is the bus you
went out with.
Shut your face.
That's, uh, two vests, six ounces.
Right.
Yeah.
Evening, all.
Evening.
What the hell are you up to?
Eight and a half ounces of pants.
You've got potty or something?
No, I've not got potty, mate.
Somebody nicked me uniform.
They've stocked it out on me bonus.
I'm only allowed 33 pounds of weight, so I've got to weigh everything to make
sure I don't go over the top.
Ah, now then.
Socks.
Twelve ounces of socks.
Blimey, that's a lot of socks, isn't it?
Cut that down.
No, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll have two ounces of socks and eight ounces of soap flakes.
I've got these here for you, special.
Shall I put them in the case?
No, no, you've got to weigh them first, Mum.
All right, old lad.
There we are.
Four pounds, two ounces.
Blimey, what's in there, then?
That's all your medicines for your stomach.
You must be potty.
I haven't got stomach trouble.
You won't get there.
There's no health service in Spain, love.
You haven't got any money to pop down to the chemist or go and see the doctor.
You're right.
OK.
What's this box of pills?
That's your enteric violet tablets.
Right, let's stop you getting the collywobbles.
And this
God, Blimey, what's this big bottle of medicine for?
Well, that's in case the pills don't work.
That's your choline mixture.
Well, how will I know these are not working?
You'll soon find out, mate.
I want to wrap some of these things up.
I'll tell you what, I don't want them to get broken.
There's one there.
Hang on to that.
I'll just wrap them in the paper.
If you don't get plenty of paper around them, they'll get broken.
I don't want these things to get broken.
This is ridiculous.
I'm taking more newspaper and I'm closed.
That's the average weight of your shoes, Stan.
Here you are, love.
There they are.
Right.
Nine ounces.
Nine ounces.
One pound, two ounces.
Wait a minute.
How can one shoe weigh more than the other?
Have you stepped in something with that one?
Wait a minute.
Oh.
What's all this in here then?
That's your shoe polish.
Brown, black and white.
Three-tenths of boot polish?
Yes.
Blimey, I'm only taking one pair of shoes and they're suede.
Add all that up.
Let me see.
If I had 410 pounds of potatoes
Hang on, hang on.
What are you talking about potatoes?
I'm not packing potatoes.
Well, at school we always did pounds and ounces like that.
I can only do it in potatoes.
I'll give it here.
If you leave it here, you'll get the answer in furlongs.
Divide by 16.
32 pound, one ounce.
That means you've got 15 ounces left.
15 ounces?
I've got all this not to go in yet.
Well, you just can't take everything, can you?
I mean, what's
Oh, blimey.
Male talc by Prince Igor of Paris.
The masculine talc the women adore.
Feel the smoothness of your skin.
Also has deo
Well, there's 12 ounces of deodorant for a start.
That's me shirt.
Oh, lovely, isn't it, eh?
Always wear that half a seat when I take a bird out.
That's it.
God, blimey, 12 ounces.
Now, take that off.
I might as well take the deodorant, because if I don't take the deodorant, I
might not have a bird to take out.
Oh, Steve.
Hey, you know what I can do?
I can take out one of these bottles of medicine.
Then I can put the shirt in.
No, love, love, you must have a drink of that every day.
I know.
Why don't we put one of these in the pocket of your raincoat?
Yeah, they don't wear your clothes you wear, do they?
No, they don't.
Yeah, and all those tins of grub can go in there.
You're never going to get all these sweaters and things in, are you?
The sweaters?
No, I'll tell you what, Arthur.
I can wear those under the raincoat.
Yes, come on.
What about his packets of tea?
What are you taking tea for?
Well, Mrs. Harding said that the tea in Spain is like hot water with a suntan.
And three bob a cup.
Well, you'll bug them in then, love.
Well, they're not going to give you boiling water to make your own tea, are
they?
Hang on.
What?
Where are you going?
Here.
Your little picnic set.
I'm not taking that.
Here we are.
That's fine, innit?
They'll never see that.
Well, all right, pack up now.
I think I've got enough now.
I think I've got just about 33 pounds.
I don't want to go over the top, see.
No, you don't, love.
You know what?
I've had a thought, mate.
God's sake, mate.
Give us out the suitcase.
All right.
Blimey, I've got to be there at ten o'clock, haven't I?
He'll never get the case.
He'll never get to Spain in this thing.
How?
God, blimey, I want an elephant to sit on that to shut that.
I'll need to sit on the case.
There you go, love.
That's it, that's it.
Get off your picnic set!
I'm not putting fingers in there!
Right, now, take your time.
I'll tell you when to get on.
Now sit on it.
Ah, that's it.
I can't get my hand out from under you.
That's it.
Nanny, what was you saying?
I was thinking, you're only allowed to take 33 pounds, right?
That's right.
Right, I won't sit carefully, so I didn't go over the top, see?
Yeah, haven't you forgotten something?
No, what, what?
You didn't weigh the case.
Why did you say so in the first place?
Because you told me to shut up, didn't you?
Oh, Stan, come on, old man!
Oh, don't, Stan, it'll all take cover!
Blimey.
There you go.
Hello, love.
I'll be glad to see the back of you, I tell you.
Is he taking your baby on a tour like this?
Yeah, especially when he's on his honeymoon, eh?
Yeah.
Has Stan arrived yet?
I don't know.
God almighty, look at that.
Come on, butler.
Is that your holiday gear, is it?
Do you always travel like that, do you?
I think I'd prefer doing your knickers, mate.
Here, Stan.
You've forgotten the kitchen sink.
What's all that, then?
Well, you see, I couldn't afford any excess baggage, so I got it all on me.
I've even got my flippers on me.
Got on off under the car, I'm not joking.
Well, take your raincoat off, then.
What are you talking about?
It took three quarters of an hour to get it on.
Blimey, mate.
If all the other passengers are like you, the plane will never get off the
ground.
Oh, Stan, have you got your ticket?
I'll give it to you when I get on the bus.
Come on, then.
Come on, get on the bus, then.
That's a good boy.
That's right.
Come on, Stan, have a good one.
Come on, you get on.
Everybody aboard, then.
Everybody's on.
Wait a minute.
I'm not driving this bus.
Yes, that's right, butler.
Yes, I allocated you to drive this coach to the airport.
No, I'm on me holidays.
Yes.
It's worth four quid to you, son.
Oh, yes.
Ta-da, love, in you go.
All right, here we go, Stan.
All right, in he goes.
What?
What is it?
What is it?
No, you're the corned beef, Stan.
What's the matter with you?
Are you in?
Hello, Rick.
Southend via Basildon.
Here, and don't forget this is a coach, not a bus.
Don't go stopping at request stops.
Don't worry, mate, I never do.
Stand up, guys.
Stand up, boys.
Stand up, boys.
Stand up, Rick.