Sullivan and Son (2012) s02e06 Episode Script
Hank Hallucinations
Steve, check us out.
Do we look like congressmen or what? Those are nice suits.
You guys look great.
Best thing about these suits, Steve they were totally free.
I towed this guy who's a suit salesman.
He paid me with two free suits.
- Hey, where's my free suit? - Sorry, Roy.
They didn't have anything in a diabetic 52.
Hi, there.
Hello.
Are you guys checking out all the dive bars in town, too? Excuse me? Sometimes it's just nice to get a break from all the trendy places and go slumming at, like, a real working-class bar bar, you know? Um hey, can we buy you guys a drink? Absolutely.
I was starting to get offended until they offered to buy us a drink.
Yeah.
What just happened? Honey, it's the suit.
You look like a totally different person.
Really, mom? Yes.
Those girls are classy and educated.
And you know what I've always said about those kind of girls.
They're horny and easy to bang.
Exactly! Ahmed, those girls think we're rich.
They approached us.
That's never happened before.
Let's go for this.
Yeah, but what happens when they find out that you're unemployed and I'm just a tow-truck driver? Oh, don't worry about that.
You look hot in those suits.
Those girls are into you.
The train is leaving the station.
Hop on the Cooter Express.
I love you, mommy.
I love you, too, Owie.
We have a very different relationship.
Not that I'm complaining.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! I'll buy an E, please.
You're buying a vowel? You idiot! Just solve it.
It's "planes, trains and automobiles.
" Why are people so stupid? Steve, why are people so stupid? What's up with you today? You you're not yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry, Steve.
It's just some family stuff.
You know, I thought I was a good dad.
I did my best raised them right, good values, loving household.
But I've got one kid who hates me for no reason.
And you just don't want things to end in a bad place with your kid.
Which kid is it? Oh, the one who married the Mexican gal.
You know, we haven't talked in years and then look.
He sends me this in the mail.
It's an invite to my granddaughter's, uh, I don't know.
How do you pronounce that? Quinceañera.
Yeah, what the hell is that? It's a traditional Latino celebration where a 15-year-old girl becomes a woman.
I actually dozed off during that sentence.
How is inviting you to a party an insult? Because they don't really want me there.
They haven't wanted anything to do with me since the wedding.
They got all bent out of shape when I questioned the immigration status of the bride's family.
What'd you do? Set up a checkpoint as they're walking down the aisle? Got a better time? They're already in single file.
And that was 15 years ago? That's a long time not to talk to your kids.
Well, it goes by fast when you drink a lot.
Well, maybe that's why he invited you to the event.
You know, he just wants to reconnect.
Don't you think it's time you talked to him? Maybe even apologized? He called me names and threw me out of his own wedding.
I'll apologize to him when he apologizes to me.
Excuse me, Hank.
You dropped this.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, are you Pat Sajak? Yep.
All day.
But you were Yeah, but you just turned me off.
I mean, that's how I make my living, you know ratings.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding.
Honestly, I only work eight days a year, and if I told you how much they paid me, you'd love me a little less.
You do love me, don't you, Hank? Oh, I do.
I do.
Of course you do.
I'm Pat Sajak.
Hey, Steve.
Steve.
Steve, look who's here.
Don't do that, Hank.
Why not? I want to show you off.
Hey, look who my new best friend is Pat Sajak.
How about that? Me and Pat Sajak.
Not bad, huh? Who's he talking to? I don't know, but he's smiling.
So it must be a white guy.
They can't see me, Hank.
- Why not? - Well, I have no idea.
I just appear to you.
- Why? - I don't know.
You tell me.
You're brain's doing this.
Well, I have no idea.
I mean, I'm a big fan, and I'm very good at the game.
Hey, that last puzzle.
That was "planes, trains and automobiles," right? Oh, of course it was.
You know, I've been doing this for 30 years, and 10 years ago, I decided to just spin the wheel and check out emotionally.
You know, I don't blame you.
I did the same thing at my job.
At a certain point, it's just hard to give a damn about what happens at work.
What do you do, Hank? I'm an air-traffic controller.
Well, Hank, your pupils aren't dilated, and your eyes are their normal healthy shade of yellow.
So you're seeing Pat right now? He's right next to me.
Nobody else sees Pat Sajak? No.
Why don't they see you? What's ironic is, I'm seen by millions daily.
Melanie, shouldn't he go to the hospital? Well, it might be a good idea to get a few tests.
No, no, no.
No hospitals.
No doctors.
No tests.
Don't be stupid, Hank.
Something's up if you see that guy from "Jeopardy!" Okay, now, that's just ignorant.
Now you're making him mad.
Melanie is a professional.
If she thinks you should go to the hospital, you should go.
Forget it.
Nobody's taking me anywhere.
I'm fine.
It's nothing.
I've just got the Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to drink my beer alone, in peace.
Well, you can come.
Oh, right.
- Enjoying the bubbly, ladies? - Oh, yes.
The last time we had champagne, we were on a sailboat.
I got so so seasick.
That is two things you do not want to mix Champagne and regatta.
Yeah.
I had bad regatta on pizza once.
Almost killed me.
You're a tall drink of funny.
But we're tired of talking about ourselves.
Yeah.
What do you guys do? Well, to be honest, I'm a tow Surgeon.
He's a toe surgeon.
Wow.
Impressive.
And you? What do you do? Same.
Toe surgery.
We're the best in the business.
Now, let's see what you girls got wiggling.
Can you work with that, doctor? I think I can.
You guys are a lot of fun.
Do you want to have dinner at Hal's? Hal's? Yes.
We've been meaning to try that place.
We just haven't had a second.
We've been up to our neck in toes.
Let's go.
What is Hal's? I have no idea.
Roy, what's Hal's? Hal's is a great dive burger joint.
It was rated one of the best cheap burgers in Pittsburgh.
Ladies, dinner's on us.
Thank you.
Hey, Roy, isn't that new burger place called Al's, not Hal's? It is.
Hal's is that expensive restaurant downtown where a salad's like $48.
Well, why did you tell them it was a cheap burger place, Roy? Because Roy didn't get a freaking suit.
How do you think that pretty redhead would do at turning letters? You're not happy with Vanna? Are you kidding me? She doesn't even turn the letters anymore.
All she does is touch them and they light up.
She doesn't even do the ding.
- She doesn't even do the ding?! - Yeah.
What happened to this country? - There's no work ethic anymore.
- Totally agree.
I give 110% eight days a year.
I don't get it.
Why won't he go get checked out? People his age, they just fight it.
I think that someone's got to convince him, and that person's got to be you.
- Why me? - You're the only person in the bar Hank listens to.
Hank doesn't listen to me.
Yes, he does.
He respects you.
You remember when that lesbian couple came in? You're the one who got him to stop referring to them as "those two shrub scouts.
" This is your table.
This place is lovely.
This is so extravagant of you guys to treat us.
Please.
It's nothing.
Ladies, will you excuse us for a minute? This is not a burger joint.
I know.
This has got to be the most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh.
They serve swan.
How much does swan cost? Oh, it's on special tonight $125.
Owen, we've got to tell them the truth who we really are.
I'm a tow-truck driver.
Y-you're unemployed.
No way.
Tonight's our night.
We're in fancy suits.
We're in a classy restaurant with classy ladies.
- This is our chance to be big time.
- How? I only have 80 bucks.
How much do you have? Okay! Together we have - That's it.
I'm telling them.
- No.
- I have a plan.
- What plan? Trust me.
Sorry, ladies.
Medical emergency.
Ooh, your lives must be so exciting.
They are tonight.
Ooh, the swan looks fantastic.
I got a plan.
Hank? I knew this was coming.
Jack says you're having a vision of Pat Sajak, and I was wondering if you could ask him a question.
Does he remember me? O'Hare airport, 2:00 A.
M.
, behind the TCBY yogurt stand? How could I forget? I found sprinkles on me for days.
And can you ask him if he remembers the Bay Point Inn in lake Michigan? No.
No, he doesn't remember that.
Late April? Round bed? We caused that electrical fire? Absolutely no memory of that.
Oh, wait.
Oh, that was Alex Trebek.
Typical.
He always got my leftovers.
Well, thank God if ever I start losing it, you'll be there to take care of me.
No way.
When you start to go, it's history, baby Aloha on the steel guitar.
You're going to a home, and one of the cheap ones.
No trips to the zoo.
No magic shows.
Just a bed with rails.
You're not fooling anyone.
You'll stay with me to the bitter end, and you know why? Because you love me.
Don't be disgusting.
You know, most guys, when they want to bug their wives, they drink, they stay out late, they go to strip clubs.
I want to get under your mother's skin? I just tell her I love her.
I love you, honey! I hope you die soon.
Can I get a beer, Steve? Sure, Hank.
Just one, or one with two straws? Very funny.
Sorry, Hank.
It's, uh it's just, you're scaring us.
Hey, my brain is 100% intact.
I think 100% is a stretch.
Mind your own business.
We will, Hank.
- Not you.
- He means me.
I think he means me.
I mean all three of you.
What did I do? That dessert was so delicious.
And, you know, they flew that chocolate in from Belgium yesterday.
You know what? You could tell.
You sure can.
That's one of the things I love about fine dining It's the care that's taken with the meal, from the seasonal ingredients to the presentation, to service, to the way the personality and the point of view of the chef is reflected in every dish.
It truly is an art form.
So true, Owen.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
Ooh, I'll join you.
Dude, I just peed myself.
How bad it is it? About the size of a quarter.
Not that, the bill.
Holy crap! We are so screwed! No, we're not.
I told you, I have a plan.
Now, maybe most of the time you're a tow-truck driver and I'm an unemployed dumb ass.
But we just had dinner in the most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh, and we fit right in.
Tonight, you and I are gentlemen.
Tonight, you and I have class.
So what's your plan? We steal their credit cards.
This is wrong.
Although that is encouraging.
Okay, we've got to set some boundaries.
Well, how do you think I feel? I like a little privacy, but instead, I've got Pat Sajak in a toilet stall with me.
Hank? Yeah.
Steve? What's going on in there? Ask him.
He isn't going away.
I think I'm losing my mind.
Why don't we go to the hospital? - I can't.
- Why? Because they're gonna find something.
That's what they do at hospitals.
And before you know it, you're in a home eating jell-o, and they pull the plug.
That's not gonna happen, Hank.
I'm afraid, okay? There's no way you can understand that.
You're too young.
I'll be here for you.
Look, we're all here for you.
I'm certainly here for you.
Actually, I've been here for six hours.
I've missed two hair cuts.
And no matter what the doctor says, it's better to know so you can deal with it.
All right.
Let's do this.
You coming? I think this Steve guy's got it covered.
Hospitals aren't my thing Too many sick people.
Yeah.
But a lot of them love the wheel, so, uh, wait up.
What's taking so long? Where the hell are her cards? Hand me Lacey's purse.
She looked richer.
They're coming.
Stall them.
No, Owen.
It's over.
Hey.
Missed you.
Thank you so much for dinner, you guys.
This was great.
Ladies, this is incredibly embarrassing.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
Don't do this, Ahmed.
Owen, it's over.
Girls, we don't have the money to pay for this dinner.
I'm a tow-truck driver.
Owen's unemployed.
In my defense, I live with my mother, so rent's not an issue.
I just made it worse, didn't I? You've been lying to us the whole time? We're really sorry.
What's next? You're gonna ask us to pay? Could you? Because we couldn't find your credit cards.
You went through my purse? You guys are assholes.
Whoa! Take it easy.
Take it easy?! Take this easy! Security! Hey! Aah! Hey! Get your hands off of me! Are you guys insane? Now, that's how you get out of paying a dinner bill.
That whole fight was a fake? Yeah.
We don't have any money, either.
But you're a big-time lawyer, and you own an art gallery.
Actually, we sell kettle corn at the swap meet.
Wow.
We love that you guys came clean.
We love that you guys have condoms.
Well, uh, we know how to get a free room at the four seasons.
Yeah, one of us just has to fake a seizure in the lobby.
All over it.
That gets me going.
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
We just stole an expensive dinner.
Now we're about to steal an expensive hotel room? Don't do this, Ahmed.
We may not be rich guys, but that doesn't make us thieves.
Now, I've got 80 bucks in my pocket and some towing services I could offer, but I'm going into that restaurant and make this right.
I hate when he does that.
I think his attitude's kind of hot.
Ahmed, wait up.
We got to make this right.
Well, look who's dementia-free.
So, you got a clean bill of health.
Well, the doctor did mention my high blood pressure, low-functioning kidneys, and numbness in my leg.
Vitamin deficiency, weakened arterial walls, nipple sensitivity, and fever of unknown origin.
Other than that, I'm triathlon-ready.
To a healthy Hank.
To a healthy Hank! To a healthy Hank.
Damn it! He's back! Why are you doing this to me? Doing this you? I'm the one stuck in Pittsburgh.
I'm getting less tan every second.
Maybe I am going crazy.
Steve, what am I gonna do? Well, calm down.
We know it's not medical, right? Right.
Hank, those tests are very reliable.
- So it's got to be something psychological.
- Exactly.
It's all about associations.
For instance, my relationship with Pat Sajak at O'Hare airport at the TCBY yogurt stand was a very brief, passion-filled moment in time.
It was perhaps the greatest sexual experience of my life.
Oh, yeah.
Daddy gets it done.
All right, let's figure this out.
Hank, what is your association with Pat Sajak and "Wheel of Fortune"? Well, I don't know.
I guess I started watching the show when my kids were little.
I'd come home from work and we'd all sit down and watch "Wheel" together.
Wait a minute.
Your son invited you to your granddaughter's quinceañera.
Maybe that's why you're seeing pat sajak.
I like where this is going.
Maybe it's your conscience telling you to go, to reach out to your son, to let him know you're okay with who he married.
Huh.
What do you think, Pat? Pat? Pat's gone! I think that's your answer.
So, do I have to apologize now? That's how it goes, Hank.
You apologize, he apologizes, and it all gets better.
You're right.
I'm not the same guy I was all those years ago.
I'm more tolerant and accepting.
Yes, Hank, you are.
- Go.
- All right.
I'm going.
So, what do I buy a 15-year-old Mexican girl for her birthday? A stroller? Well, that was a big waste of time.
What happened? Wasn't your family happy to see you? No.
It was just awkward.
"Hello.
How are you?" "Oh, you've gotten so big.
" Well, I probably shouldn't have said that to my son's wife.
Still, it was good that you went.
I don't think they cared that I showed up.
I just put a check on the pile of presents and left.
Well, doesn't sound like you got your apology.
I never had a moment.
Well, it was a start.
You made a gesture.
I'm sure they noticed.
I don't think it did any good at all.
Hank, it's a hell of a lot better than keeping it all inside.
There a lot of parents who never take the time to tell their kids how much they care, how much they love them.
And then one day they find out it's too late.
On the other hand, there are a lot of parents who tell their kids how much they care and how much they love them, and in the end, it's too late to take it back.
Is Hank Murphy here? Uh, yes.
Yes, he is.
Uh, hey, Hank.
I think you have some visitors here.
Oh, hi.
Hey, dad.
Why'd you leave so fast, grandpa? Oh, well, you know, I didn't want to be in the way.
You weren't in the way.
In fact, you left before I could say thanks for coming.
Oh, well, thanks for inviting me.
That's a very pretty dress.
Why don't you guys have a seat? - Can I get you something? - Yeah, you want a beer? Not you.
Sure.
Coming right up.
Hey, Hank, don't you have something to say to your son? Seems like the, uh the perfect moment.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh It's about all those years ago.
You know, the wedding and stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That whole thing.
Sorry about all that.
Yeah.
Me too.
Hey, dad.
Look what's on.
Hey, it's "Wheel.
" Remember, uh, we used to watch that? Sure do.
Hey, Steve.
Turn it up.
You know, Pat is a personal friend.
Oh, my God.
I'm back here again? What do you want, game-show boy? I-I guess I'm known in Pittsburgh for helping people resolve issues with their children.
Keep moving.
Nothing here.
Really? Have you told your son you're proud of him for quitting law to be a bartender? No.
Well, don't you think you should? No.
Have you told your daughter you love her? God, no! Well, look.
Clearly someone here needs to get something from me.
If not you, then who? Hi, Pat.
Daddy's back.
Do we look like congressmen or what? Those are nice suits.
You guys look great.
Best thing about these suits, Steve they were totally free.
I towed this guy who's a suit salesman.
He paid me with two free suits.
- Hey, where's my free suit? - Sorry, Roy.
They didn't have anything in a diabetic 52.
Hi, there.
Hello.
Are you guys checking out all the dive bars in town, too? Excuse me? Sometimes it's just nice to get a break from all the trendy places and go slumming at, like, a real working-class bar bar, you know? Um hey, can we buy you guys a drink? Absolutely.
I was starting to get offended until they offered to buy us a drink.
Yeah.
What just happened? Honey, it's the suit.
You look like a totally different person.
Really, mom? Yes.
Those girls are classy and educated.
And you know what I've always said about those kind of girls.
They're horny and easy to bang.
Exactly! Ahmed, those girls think we're rich.
They approached us.
That's never happened before.
Let's go for this.
Yeah, but what happens when they find out that you're unemployed and I'm just a tow-truck driver? Oh, don't worry about that.
You look hot in those suits.
Those girls are into you.
The train is leaving the station.
Hop on the Cooter Express.
I love you, mommy.
I love you, too, Owie.
We have a very different relationship.
Not that I'm complaining.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! I'll buy an E, please.
You're buying a vowel? You idiot! Just solve it.
It's "planes, trains and automobiles.
" Why are people so stupid? Steve, why are people so stupid? What's up with you today? You you're not yourself.
Oh, I'm sorry, Steve.
It's just some family stuff.
You know, I thought I was a good dad.
I did my best raised them right, good values, loving household.
But I've got one kid who hates me for no reason.
And you just don't want things to end in a bad place with your kid.
Which kid is it? Oh, the one who married the Mexican gal.
You know, we haven't talked in years and then look.
He sends me this in the mail.
It's an invite to my granddaughter's, uh, I don't know.
How do you pronounce that? Quinceañera.
Yeah, what the hell is that? It's a traditional Latino celebration where a 15-year-old girl becomes a woman.
I actually dozed off during that sentence.
How is inviting you to a party an insult? Because they don't really want me there.
They haven't wanted anything to do with me since the wedding.
They got all bent out of shape when I questioned the immigration status of the bride's family.
What'd you do? Set up a checkpoint as they're walking down the aisle? Got a better time? They're already in single file.
And that was 15 years ago? That's a long time not to talk to your kids.
Well, it goes by fast when you drink a lot.
Well, maybe that's why he invited you to the event.
You know, he just wants to reconnect.
Don't you think it's time you talked to him? Maybe even apologized? He called me names and threw me out of his own wedding.
I'll apologize to him when he apologizes to me.
Excuse me, Hank.
You dropped this.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, are you Pat Sajak? Yep.
All day.
But you were Yeah, but you just turned me off.
I mean, that's how I make my living, you know ratings.
I'm sorry.
I'm just kidding.
Honestly, I only work eight days a year, and if I told you how much they paid me, you'd love me a little less.
You do love me, don't you, Hank? Oh, I do.
I do.
Of course you do.
I'm Pat Sajak.
Hey, Steve.
Steve.
Steve, look who's here.
Don't do that, Hank.
Why not? I want to show you off.
Hey, look who my new best friend is Pat Sajak.
How about that? Me and Pat Sajak.
Not bad, huh? Who's he talking to? I don't know, but he's smiling.
So it must be a white guy.
They can't see me, Hank.
- Why not? - Well, I have no idea.
I just appear to you.
- Why? - I don't know.
You tell me.
You're brain's doing this.
Well, I have no idea.
I mean, I'm a big fan, and I'm very good at the game.
Hey, that last puzzle.
That was "planes, trains and automobiles," right? Oh, of course it was.
You know, I've been doing this for 30 years, and 10 years ago, I decided to just spin the wheel and check out emotionally.
You know, I don't blame you.
I did the same thing at my job.
At a certain point, it's just hard to give a damn about what happens at work.
What do you do, Hank? I'm an air-traffic controller.
Well, Hank, your pupils aren't dilated, and your eyes are their normal healthy shade of yellow.
So you're seeing Pat right now? He's right next to me.
Nobody else sees Pat Sajak? No.
Why don't they see you? What's ironic is, I'm seen by millions daily.
Melanie, shouldn't he go to the hospital? Well, it might be a good idea to get a few tests.
No, no, no.
No hospitals.
No doctors.
No tests.
Don't be stupid, Hank.
Something's up if you see that guy from "Jeopardy!" Okay, now, that's just ignorant.
Now you're making him mad.
Melanie is a professional.
If she thinks you should go to the hospital, you should go.
Forget it.
Nobody's taking me anywhere.
I'm fine.
It's nothing.
I've just got the Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to drink my beer alone, in peace.
Well, you can come.
Oh, right.
- Enjoying the bubbly, ladies? - Oh, yes.
The last time we had champagne, we were on a sailboat.
I got so so seasick.
That is two things you do not want to mix Champagne and regatta.
Yeah.
I had bad regatta on pizza once.
Almost killed me.
You're a tall drink of funny.
But we're tired of talking about ourselves.
Yeah.
What do you guys do? Well, to be honest, I'm a tow Surgeon.
He's a toe surgeon.
Wow.
Impressive.
And you? What do you do? Same.
Toe surgery.
We're the best in the business.
Now, let's see what you girls got wiggling.
Can you work with that, doctor? I think I can.
You guys are a lot of fun.
Do you want to have dinner at Hal's? Hal's? Yes.
We've been meaning to try that place.
We just haven't had a second.
We've been up to our neck in toes.
Let's go.
What is Hal's? I have no idea.
Roy, what's Hal's? Hal's is a great dive burger joint.
It was rated one of the best cheap burgers in Pittsburgh.
Ladies, dinner's on us.
Thank you.
Hey, Roy, isn't that new burger place called Al's, not Hal's? It is.
Hal's is that expensive restaurant downtown where a salad's like $48.
Well, why did you tell them it was a cheap burger place, Roy? Because Roy didn't get a freaking suit.
How do you think that pretty redhead would do at turning letters? You're not happy with Vanna? Are you kidding me? She doesn't even turn the letters anymore.
All she does is touch them and they light up.
She doesn't even do the ding.
- She doesn't even do the ding?! - Yeah.
What happened to this country? - There's no work ethic anymore.
- Totally agree.
I give 110% eight days a year.
I don't get it.
Why won't he go get checked out? People his age, they just fight it.
I think that someone's got to convince him, and that person's got to be you.
- Why me? - You're the only person in the bar Hank listens to.
Hank doesn't listen to me.
Yes, he does.
He respects you.
You remember when that lesbian couple came in? You're the one who got him to stop referring to them as "those two shrub scouts.
" This is your table.
This place is lovely.
This is so extravagant of you guys to treat us.
Please.
It's nothing.
Ladies, will you excuse us for a minute? This is not a burger joint.
I know.
This has got to be the most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh.
They serve swan.
How much does swan cost? Oh, it's on special tonight $125.
Owen, we've got to tell them the truth who we really are.
I'm a tow-truck driver.
Y-you're unemployed.
No way.
Tonight's our night.
We're in fancy suits.
We're in a classy restaurant with classy ladies.
- This is our chance to be big time.
- How? I only have 80 bucks.
How much do you have? Okay! Together we have - That's it.
I'm telling them.
- No.
- I have a plan.
- What plan? Trust me.
Sorry, ladies.
Medical emergency.
Ooh, your lives must be so exciting.
They are tonight.
Ooh, the swan looks fantastic.
I got a plan.
Hank? I knew this was coming.
Jack says you're having a vision of Pat Sajak, and I was wondering if you could ask him a question.
Does he remember me? O'Hare airport, 2:00 A.
M.
, behind the TCBY yogurt stand? How could I forget? I found sprinkles on me for days.
And can you ask him if he remembers the Bay Point Inn in lake Michigan? No.
No, he doesn't remember that.
Late April? Round bed? We caused that electrical fire? Absolutely no memory of that.
Oh, wait.
Oh, that was Alex Trebek.
Typical.
He always got my leftovers.
Well, thank God if ever I start losing it, you'll be there to take care of me.
No way.
When you start to go, it's history, baby Aloha on the steel guitar.
You're going to a home, and one of the cheap ones.
No trips to the zoo.
No magic shows.
Just a bed with rails.
You're not fooling anyone.
You'll stay with me to the bitter end, and you know why? Because you love me.
Don't be disgusting.
You know, most guys, when they want to bug their wives, they drink, they stay out late, they go to strip clubs.
I want to get under your mother's skin? I just tell her I love her.
I love you, honey! I hope you die soon.
Can I get a beer, Steve? Sure, Hank.
Just one, or one with two straws? Very funny.
Sorry, Hank.
It's, uh it's just, you're scaring us.
Hey, my brain is 100% intact.
I think 100% is a stretch.
Mind your own business.
We will, Hank.
- Not you.
- He means me.
I think he means me.
I mean all three of you.
What did I do? That dessert was so delicious.
And, you know, they flew that chocolate in from Belgium yesterday.
You know what? You could tell.
You sure can.
That's one of the things I love about fine dining It's the care that's taken with the meal, from the seasonal ingredients to the presentation, to service, to the way the personality and the point of view of the chef is reflected in every dish.
It truly is an art form.
So true, Owen.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
Ooh, I'll join you.
Dude, I just peed myself.
How bad it is it? About the size of a quarter.
Not that, the bill.
Holy crap! We are so screwed! No, we're not.
I told you, I have a plan.
Now, maybe most of the time you're a tow-truck driver and I'm an unemployed dumb ass.
But we just had dinner in the most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh, and we fit right in.
Tonight, you and I are gentlemen.
Tonight, you and I have class.
So what's your plan? We steal their credit cards.
This is wrong.
Although that is encouraging.
Okay, we've got to set some boundaries.
Well, how do you think I feel? I like a little privacy, but instead, I've got Pat Sajak in a toilet stall with me.
Hank? Yeah.
Steve? What's going on in there? Ask him.
He isn't going away.
I think I'm losing my mind.
Why don't we go to the hospital? - I can't.
- Why? Because they're gonna find something.
That's what they do at hospitals.
And before you know it, you're in a home eating jell-o, and they pull the plug.
That's not gonna happen, Hank.
I'm afraid, okay? There's no way you can understand that.
You're too young.
I'll be here for you.
Look, we're all here for you.
I'm certainly here for you.
Actually, I've been here for six hours.
I've missed two hair cuts.
And no matter what the doctor says, it's better to know so you can deal with it.
All right.
Let's do this.
You coming? I think this Steve guy's got it covered.
Hospitals aren't my thing Too many sick people.
Yeah.
But a lot of them love the wheel, so, uh, wait up.
What's taking so long? Where the hell are her cards? Hand me Lacey's purse.
She looked richer.
They're coming.
Stall them.
No, Owen.
It's over.
Hey.
Missed you.
Thank you so much for dinner, you guys.
This was great.
Ladies, this is incredibly embarrassing.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
Don't do this, Ahmed.
Owen, it's over.
Girls, we don't have the money to pay for this dinner.
I'm a tow-truck driver.
Owen's unemployed.
In my defense, I live with my mother, so rent's not an issue.
I just made it worse, didn't I? You've been lying to us the whole time? We're really sorry.
What's next? You're gonna ask us to pay? Could you? Because we couldn't find your credit cards.
You went through my purse? You guys are assholes.
Whoa! Take it easy.
Take it easy?! Take this easy! Security! Hey! Aah! Hey! Get your hands off of me! Are you guys insane? Now, that's how you get out of paying a dinner bill.
That whole fight was a fake? Yeah.
We don't have any money, either.
But you're a big-time lawyer, and you own an art gallery.
Actually, we sell kettle corn at the swap meet.
Wow.
We love that you guys came clean.
We love that you guys have condoms.
Well, uh, we know how to get a free room at the four seasons.
Yeah, one of us just has to fake a seizure in the lobby.
All over it.
That gets me going.
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
We just stole an expensive dinner.
Now we're about to steal an expensive hotel room? Don't do this, Ahmed.
We may not be rich guys, but that doesn't make us thieves.
Now, I've got 80 bucks in my pocket and some towing services I could offer, but I'm going into that restaurant and make this right.
I hate when he does that.
I think his attitude's kind of hot.
Ahmed, wait up.
We got to make this right.
Well, look who's dementia-free.
So, you got a clean bill of health.
Well, the doctor did mention my high blood pressure, low-functioning kidneys, and numbness in my leg.
Vitamin deficiency, weakened arterial walls, nipple sensitivity, and fever of unknown origin.
Other than that, I'm triathlon-ready.
To a healthy Hank.
To a healthy Hank! To a healthy Hank.
Damn it! He's back! Why are you doing this to me? Doing this you? I'm the one stuck in Pittsburgh.
I'm getting less tan every second.
Maybe I am going crazy.
Steve, what am I gonna do? Well, calm down.
We know it's not medical, right? Right.
Hank, those tests are very reliable.
- So it's got to be something psychological.
- Exactly.
It's all about associations.
For instance, my relationship with Pat Sajak at O'Hare airport at the TCBY yogurt stand was a very brief, passion-filled moment in time.
It was perhaps the greatest sexual experience of my life.
Oh, yeah.
Daddy gets it done.
All right, let's figure this out.
Hank, what is your association with Pat Sajak and "Wheel of Fortune"? Well, I don't know.
I guess I started watching the show when my kids were little.
I'd come home from work and we'd all sit down and watch "Wheel" together.
Wait a minute.
Your son invited you to your granddaughter's quinceañera.
Maybe that's why you're seeing pat sajak.
I like where this is going.
Maybe it's your conscience telling you to go, to reach out to your son, to let him know you're okay with who he married.
Huh.
What do you think, Pat? Pat? Pat's gone! I think that's your answer.
So, do I have to apologize now? That's how it goes, Hank.
You apologize, he apologizes, and it all gets better.
You're right.
I'm not the same guy I was all those years ago.
I'm more tolerant and accepting.
Yes, Hank, you are.
- Go.
- All right.
I'm going.
So, what do I buy a 15-year-old Mexican girl for her birthday? A stroller? Well, that was a big waste of time.
What happened? Wasn't your family happy to see you? No.
It was just awkward.
"Hello.
How are you?" "Oh, you've gotten so big.
" Well, I probably shouldn't have said that to my son's wife.
Still, it was good that you went.
I don't think they cared that I showed up.
I just put a check on the pile of presents and left.
Well, doesn't sound like you got your apology.
I never had a moment.
Well, it was a start.
You made a gesture.
I'm sure they noticed.
I don't think it did any good at all.
Hank, it's a hell of a lot better than keeping it all inside.
There a lot of parents who never take the time to tell their kids how much they care, how much they love them.
And then one day they find out it's too late.
On the other hand, there are a lot of parents who tell their kids how much they care and how much they love them, and in the end, it's too late to take it back.
Is Hank Murphy here? Uh, yes.
Yes, he is.
Uh, hey, Hank.
I think you have some visitors here.
Oh, hi.
Hey, dad.
Why'd you leave so fast, grandpa? Oh, well, you know, I didn't want to be in the way.
You weren't in the way.
In fact, you left before I could say thanks for coming.
Oh, well, thanks for inviting me.
That's a very pretty dress.
Why don't you guys have a seat? - Can I get you something? - Yeah, you want a beer? Not you.
Sure.
Coming right up.
Hey, Hank, don't you have something to say to your son? Seems like the, uh the perfect moment.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh It's about all those years ago.
You know, the wedding and stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That whole thing.
Sorry about all that.
Yeah.
Me too.
Hey, dad.
Look what's on.
Hey, it's "Wheel.
" Remember, uh, we used to watch that? Sure do.
Hey, Steve.
Turn it up.
You know, Pat is a personal friend.
Oh, my God.
I'm back here again? What do you want, game-show boy? I-I guess I'm known in Pittsburgh for helping people resolve issues with their children.
Keep moving.
Nothing here.
Really? Have you told your son you're proud of him for quitting law to be a bartender? No.
Well, don't you think you should? No.
Have you told your daughter you love her? God, no! Well, look.
Clearly someone here needs to get something from me.
If not you, then who? Hi, Pat.
Daddy's back.