Ted (2024) s02e06 Episode Script

1
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing ♪
I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
God, Matty, you are defending
a completely barbaric
and outdated practice.
Fuck you.
The death penalty fuckin' works.
You cannot have an absolute,
irreversible form of punishment
with a legal system that is
anything less than perfect.
Big deal! So one idiot
gets caught in the gears.
Justice is blind.
You don't think
Stevie Wonder puts the mail
in the toaster once in a while?
Plus it's unequal.
Especially if he's Black
or an immigrant.
That's bullshit! You come
to the United States of America,
you get the same chance
as anybody to get the chair.
Okay, what if you were
on death row
for a crime you didn't commit?
Oh, like that'd fuckin' happen.
- What if it did?
- Nobody gets the death penalty
for shit they didn't do.
- Oh, what about The Fugitive?
- What?
Harrison Ford got convicted
in that movie,
and he was innocent.
He must have did something
in another movie.
Oh, he shot Greedo
in the cantina.
There you go. He shot
an Italian in a nightclub.
That's called natural causes.
- Jesus Christ.
- You know what?
You break the law,
you pay the fuckin' price!
Okay. And what if new DNA
evidence is uncovered after
What the fuck?!
Oh, my God.
Blaire, are you all right?
This is a brand-new Hanes.
I just opened the pack!
Oh. "Wait till we get
our Hanes on you."
It's like hands.
I just got that.
Blaire?
Honey?
You all right? Blaire?
Oh, oh, my God.
Is that what I think it is?
It has to be a false positive.
Blaire.
You're pregnant?
That's what it says.
Wait.
This must mean
you're dating men again.
Well, I did tell you I'm fluid.
Oh, I am so happy
you're going out with men.
Now we can be
in heaven together.
I can brush your wings.
Oh, we'll get to meet
all the old stars.
You are gonna love Desi Arnaz.
This has to be a mistake.
Oh, no.
I'm pretty sure he's up there.
And Lucy too.
And in heaven,
the conveyor belt moves
at just the right speed
so she can wrap
all the chocolates.
Oh, I can't believe
this is happening right now.
I only slept
with one guy one time.
You know, when I saw
that episode for the first time,
I was so sad for Lucy, I cried.
Remember to sleep on your side
so you don't crush the baby.
Oh.
I feel like I'm living
in a soap opera.
Man, they'll make
a cereal out of any hit movie.
"Turns your milk red
with adventure."
Yeah, I really want
my breakfast to feel like
I'm losing
a bloody underwater conflict
with a rival nuclear superpower.
What the hell is this?
Are they out of ham and eggs
at the store or something?
I didn't wanna cook
anything fragrant,
since Blaire's
a little sensitive
to smells right now.
- What?
- Not permanently.
Just for a little while.
- Aunt Suse.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Well, it's not my news to share,
but I think Blaire has something
she wants to tell the family.
Oh. Jesus Christ. Okay, fine.
I'm pregnant.
Holy shit!
How can you be pregnant?
You're not married.
Wait, you're dating guys again?
It was a one-night stand.
I had to blow off some steam
after things ended with Sarah.
Yeah, I don't think
that happens from blowing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
You're actually pregnant?
- Yes.
- Who's the father?
- Doesn't matter.
How the hell could you
get yourself pregnant?
Was anyone in this family
born intentionally?
Just you.
Oh, yeah. Right.
I was made with wishes.
You were all made with jizz.
- Fuck.
- I'm more elegant.
- Yeah.
You know, he should have
just wished on your back.
I have to get to class.
Ooh, what if she names it Ted?
You know, I've been thinking.
We've gotta make sure this
baby's first word is "fuck."
Oh, yeah. Every time
Blaire's out of the room.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck."
Yeah, and we gotta
make sure she stands
near the microwave a lot
so the baby comes out
with powers.
Holy shit. Johnny!
Look.
A vending machine.
A vending machine at our school?
It's it's beautiful.
Now that's the miracle of birth.
Look, Johnny, it's a SKOR bar.
Oh, crap.
I need another quarter
if I want a Snickers.
Hey.
Wow. Thanks.
Jesus?
Hey, thanks again
for pickin' us up, Blaire.
I can't believe
you two actually paid to see
While You Were Sleeping.
Yeah, well,
Bad Boys was sold out.
Plus, we had already
gotten super high.
It was good.
- I know, I saw it.
I like to pretend
it's in the same universe
as Sleepless in Seattle
so Bill Pullman has
a happy ending
after Meg Ryan leaves him
for Tom Hanks.
Neat.
There she is. The mother-to-be.
Lovely!
Um, Aunt Suse,
what the hell is all this?
It's your baby shower.
When I thought about you
being a single mother,
it made me so sad.
So I wanted to show you
that you're not all alone.
You got a whole community
supporting you.
Aunt Suse, I-I-I don't want
a baby shower.
Oh, but a baby shower is
the most fun party there is.
Look, I melted some candy
into diapers
so it looks like caca.
That baby either needs way more
or way less fiber.
Look, Blaire, I got you
these cute little baby clothes.
Hey, these are kinda perfect.
Hey, what do you think, Johnny?
Should I be a fireman
or a ball player?
Fuck me. I'm glad I got high.
This is awesome.
- Oh, Jesus.
Johnny, stop that before one
of us develops a fetish
we can't come back from.
Since we don't know
if it's a boy or a girl,
I made you a purple cake.
- Aunt Suse.
I wasn't sure
if I could find one,
but Duncan Hines
always has surprises
up their sleeve.
Aunt Suse!
I'm not keeping the baby.
Hey, can I have this?
Hello?
Hey, Emily, it's Blaire.
Hey, Blaire.
Hey, um,
listen, I had
a medical question for you.
If it's not too personal.
Um where did you get
your abortion last year?
Oh. There's a clinic
on Emerson Ave.
It was 400 bucks.
- Four hundred?
Just to, like, shloop it out
or whatever.
I know. Also, there was
a mob of protesters in front
who were so scary.
My dad almost punched a guy
who called me a slut
and not in, like,
a fun, empowering way.
Like, "You slut."
Wait, do you have
to get an abortion?
No. I was just, um,
going to counter-protest
the anti-abortion protesters.
So this is really great info.
Thanks.
Oh, cool. Yeah.
Go stick it
to those motherfuckers.
I will. Talk to you later.
- An abortion?!
- Yes.
Abso-fuckin'-lutely not!
Sorry you don't approve,
but luckily,
it's not your fuckin' choice.
Listen to me, Blaire.
You are not aborting that baby.
What if we all voted on it?
Also, can I have this too?
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
We could all vote.
No! My uterus is not
a democracy.
It's my body and my choice.
It's his body too!
He's a human being!
Wow. Didn't realize
it was a boy.
And second of all, this is
not yet a viable human being
that can live on its own.
Well, neither are you!
According to medical science
and Roe versus Wade, which
Fuck Roe and fuck Wade!
Yeah. Wade was
on your side, genius.
You're not killing that kid.
I'm not ready to be a mom!
Okay? Last week,
I had a beer in the shower.
And this isn't a kid
we're talking about.
It's a fertilized egg.
It's the size of a sesame seed.
Hey, that's like
three of your dicks, Johnny.
Hey! Shut up!
I'm sorry.
He's got a normal-sized dick.
Blaire, we just don't want you
to do something you'll regret.
If I had to leave school
and give up a career,
that's what I would regret.
Wha-what about
the baby's career, huh?
You just gonna flush that
down the toilet?
- Literally.
- And then it grows up
in the sewer, becomes a Chud.
What's a Chud?
Cannibalistic Humanoid
Underground Dweller.
- Oh.
- Matty, since you care
so much about potential life,
what about sperm?
Every time you masturbate,
millions of 'em die.
So is it wrong
to kill sperm too?
Yes. No more masturbation
in this house.
John, don't cry
because it's over,
smile because it happened.
Blaire, you're having that baby.
What if we put it up
for adoption?
I'm sure there's someone
we know who would love
to adopt your baby.
I'll make some phone calls.
- No. No.
Aunt Suse, I don't want
to go through pregnancy.
Oh, it's no trouble.
Most of my hair
grew back eventually.
I already made
the appointment for Saturday.
It's $400.
I have half in my savings.
I just need to borrow
the other 200.
Four hundred bucks
just to, like, shloop it out?
You ain't getting 200 cents
from me,
and you ain't going
to that appointment.
Didn't your platoon
kill people in Vietnam?
- That was different.
- Why?
Why do you get a medal
but I'm going to hell?
Because that was war,
and most of 'em weren't babies.
You are such
a fuckin' hypocrite.
You're the fuckin' hypocrite!
Huh?
Sleeping with women,
sleeping with men,
having it both ways.
That's called having your pussy
and eatin' it too.
Right?
- This guy.
- It's a play on words.
Anderson, Applebee
Oh, Arnoff. That might be nice.
Blaire, do you mind
if your baby becomes Jewish?
What? No.
I mean, yes, yes,
because I'm not having the baby.
It's kind of antisemitic
to abort
a potentially Jewish baby.
Hi, this is Susan Bennett.
Do you have any interest
in a baby?
And you're so fuckin' against
this country giving murderers
the chair,
yet you have no problem
murdering innocent kids.
- What?
- I guess you only want
to have the baby if it grows up
to be Charles Manson
or Jeffrey Dahmer or Jane Fonda.
They're asking
if we want a baby.
What? No. Get off the phone!
Dad, what if the baby's
a Yankees fan?
- Still wrong.
- What if I raise the baby
to become an abortion doctor?
So you'd be saving
all those babies' lives
by killing this one?
Still wrong.
What if the baby grows up
to be Double Hitler?
Not my problem. Still wrong.
Well, I guess Double Hitler
will have to be stopped
by time travelers.
As usual.
Blaire, if you do this,
you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life.
Mr. Applebee wants to know
if we can bring the baby
by tomorrow to meet their dogs.
Jesus Christ, Susan,
get off the goddamn phone!
And they also want to know,
if they take the baby,
will the father pay
for their lawn furniture?
Yeah, yeah. W-wait a minute.
Who is the father? Huh?
He gets a say in this too.
- He's nobody.
I went to a party
at Rubins Hall,
hooked up with the RA,
that's it.
And it doesn't fucking matter
because it's not his choice.
It's mine.
- What's his name?
- Why?
- Because I wanna talk to him.
No! Fuck you!
All right. Clearly,
I'm alone in all this,
so I'll just figure out
how to get the fuckin' money
without your fuckin' help.
Fuck!
Sorry, sorry.
I-I've been wanting
to honk the horn,
but there wasn't a window,
and I now see that
it was still inappropriate.
Hey, Blaire, are you okay?
Oh, yeah. Never better.
Hey, listen,
me and Johnny wanted
to help you out if we can.
Thanks, but I don't really know
what you could
What the fuck?
Yeah, I think,
I think this is me now.
Look, we hate
seeing you so upset,
so we're gonna try and help
you find the money you need.
How?
We don't know,
but we're gonna try
and find a way.
Well, thanks.
Also, we heard
that when you get pregnant,
you get sort of like a,
like a heightened sense
of smell.
Yeah. It's true.
Would you mind using your powers
to help us find our stash?
When Susan was
cleaning our room,
we hid it somewhere
in the house,
and now we can't remember where.
This is what
the weed smells like.
It's in the hamper.
Oh, that's fuckin' awesome.
Thank you so much, Blaire.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, unwanted baby.
Hey, where's the RA?
Um, last door down on the left.
Fuckin' Christ.
Fuck me.
Come in.
You Nimeet?
Uh, yeah.
And you're the RA?
Yeah. And you are?
Listen, fucko.
You're gonna raise
your goddamn kid!
- What?
- You know Blaire Bennett.
I mean, not super well.
Oh, well, listen to this guy,
already trying to weasel
his way out of it.
All right, come on,
let's fuckin' go!
What the hell, dude?
All right, here we go.
You realize we're
breaking the law here?
I mean, maybe we should find
another way to get the money.
We could sell all our weed.
Never mind. Robbery is fine.
Let's do it.
Okay. I'm in.
Okay. There's got
to be, like, a latch
or something next to the button.
Can you open it?
You know, when Sir Mix-a-Lot
said "Put 'Em On the Glass,"
I thought it was fun.
But it's not, Johnny.
It's not fun.
Would you just hurry up?
If we get caught, we're fucked.
Hang on. Hang on.
I think I got it.
Now how the fuck
do I get outta here?
Oh, shit.
Wait, wh-what
What are you doing?
I want some Rolos.
Oh, fuck. Not the Rolos.
That's right in my ass
Ooh, that feels good.
Take me to your leader.
Come in.
You don't know how long
I've been waiting to see him.
Hey, guys.
Um, I just, I wanted
to say thank you again.
Uh, Blaire, it was no problem.
I still can't believe
you made $200 collecting cans.
Seems impossible.
Uh, yeah.
No, it's because we found
one really big can,
and, uh, that put us
over the top.
You guys are really special.
You know that, right?
We love you, Blaire.
And we mean this
from the bottom of our hearts.
We think you'd make
a really shitty mom.
Fuck you.
Thank you. I mean it.
You guys are saving my life.
All right, get me
a needle and thread
and get them fuckin' Rolos
outta there.
Starry, starry night ♪
Paint your palette blue ♪
Hey, Ma, what's for dinner?
Oh, hey, Johnny,
we're having spaghetti.
Nice.
I'm listenin'
to a little rock and roll
if you wanna join.
That sounds delightful, Susan.
Shadows on the hills ♪
Hey, Aunt Suse.
Um, can I talk to you
for a minute?
Well, sure, honey. What is it?
Um, listen,
so I know you and Matty
don't approve of what I'm doing,
but I finally got
all the money I needed,
and, um, I could really use
a woman there with me
when I get the procedure.
Would you drive me?
Oh, you, you must
have girlfriends
you can ask
for that sort of thing.
Yeah, I
I don't want it getting back
to Sarah, you know? I
I was really hoping
you would come with me.
Blaire, you're family.
I just can't be a part of this.
You-you can't even drive me?
Well, I don't think
God would approve.
Yeah, I don't know.
He killed his kid.
I still got one Rolo
jammed up there.
You think the abortion clinic
could help with that?
Listen, I know
you have your convictions,
and I respect that,
but, Aunt Suse, you're-you're
like a mother to me.
There she is.
There's your lover
and the unborn child
inside of her womb.
Now do the right thing, asshole.
Matty, what the fuck?
Matty. Who's this?
This is the father.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
He, he's the RA in Rubins Hall.
There's a different RA
on every floor.
Yeah, I'm Nimeet.
You might have been
looking for Brendan.
He's kind of a player.
Brendan, right?
- Yes.
So wait, wait, wait, wait.
You didn't
You know, with my niece?
No, man.
I'm saving myself for marriage.
Nimeet, are you hungry?
I could fix you a snack.
I could eat.
I am so sorry about all this.
Um, you're in my Gothic
Literature seminar, right?
Oh, yeah, that's where
I've seen you before.
By the way, I think
you should keep the baby.
Excuse me?
Motherhood is a beautiful thing.
It was a topic of discussion
at the Young Republicans meeting
last week.
Blaire, I think you should
listen to Nimeet.
You've gotta be
fucking kidding me.
That language
is very unbecoming of a lady.
I keep fuckin' telling her that.
Blaire, Nimeet's a nice boy.
Maybe you two could go out
together and have a soda.
And if it leads to marriage,
you can keep the baby
and raise it as a family.
God sent him here
for a reason, honey.
No, no, he's here because
Matty's a fucking maniac!
What do you say, Blaire?
Should we give it a shot?
Nimeet's going for it, Johnny.
I like this guy.
Jesus Christ,
I-I can't believe you two
would literally rather listen
to a random man's opinion
about what I should do
with my body than listen to me.
This is a lost cause.
This is what always happens
under a
Democratic administration.
People feel like
they have carte blanche
to just shred the fabric
of American integrity.
Would you like
to spend the night?
What?
Hey, it's just us.
Sorry. Didn't mean to snap.
No. I'm sorry my mom's
not driving you
to the abortion tomorrow.
It's fine.
I'll be fine.
You know, we could take you.
No, no.
I'm just gonna call a cab.
Oh, Blaire, you can't
take a taxi to an abortion.
That's just sad.
Yeah, we don't want this
to be a sad day.
There may be protesters
outside the clinic.
Well, all the more reason
we should be there with you.
- What are you gonna do?
- Oh, we've been playing
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out all week.
We got all the way
up to Bald Bull.
Yeah, we should be fine
unless someone
does exactly this.
No, I don't wanna
put you guys in any danger.
You know what? I got an idea.
Mom, I'm getting it!
John Bennett.
Do my eyes deceive me?
Your dick's out, man.
What? Oh, my God.
Oh, it is.
Get back in there!
It's always getting out.
Oh, yeah?
I can wear three pairs of pants.
It will not stop.
It will find its way out.
Anyway, thanks
for letting me know, guys.
Oh, wait, that's actually,
that's not the only reason,
uh, that we came.
Oh, shit.
My cup runneth over. 'Sup?
Uh, this is my best friend, Ted.
It's not a contest who you're
closer with, but okay.
Uh, and we actually wanted
to borrow your van.
- Uh, my cousin
- I don't need to know a reason.
That's why you own a van,
to loan it out
to your best friend.
No questions asked.
That's the van code.
- Thanks.
Actually, Ted's gonna
be the one driving.
I don't need to know. Question.
Do you want it
with or without the ferret?
Uh, without?
- Well, he's gonna be in there.
- Okay.
His name is also John Bennett.
Not named after you.
After a different guy I know
named Bennett John.
We'll keep an eye out for him.
Ah, shit. He moved to Texas.
You'll never meet him.
Okay, well, uh, we will
get this, uh, your van to you
I don't need to know.
You dick's out again, man.
What?
He probably smells your dick.
- Oh, man, they look angry.
- Okay, wait here.
And as soon as those protesters
move out of the way,
you haul ass inside.
How are you gonna
get them to move?
Watch this.
Right to life!
Howdy, folks.
All right.
Careful, now.
Well, we better get
this abortion machine unloaded.
Oh. Yeah.
The clinic needs it for
shlooping out all those fetuses.
Yep. The old fetus deletus.
- The old zygote bye-gote.
- Better move fast.
We got another
12 abortion machines
we gotta deliver
before the end of the day.
Oh, you're telling me.
Spring break was
four to six weeks ago,
which means now
is the busy season.
But, boy, do I love
this new Abort-o-matic 5000.
A miracle of
modern abortion technology.
Double the abortions
in only half the time.
It was smart of 'em
to make the tubes wider
so the eyeballs
won't clog it up.
- Hey!
- Oh, yes, sir.
You ordered
the brand-new abortion machine.
No! And you're
a murdering piece of shit.
Well, say what you want,
but my alive kids
are gonna have
a great Christmas this year
on account of
all these abortions.
And ever since
my wife's miscarriage,
I don't want anyone
to have living kids.
I've always found
your stance on this extreme.
But as a Yankees fan,
I support it.
Get 'em!
Hi. I'm here
for my appointment.
Name? Or fake name you only
used to make the appointment?
Penelope Davenport.
You're checked in,
Miss Davenport.
We just need the $400.
Hello, Father.
Hello, Susan.
I don't have that much time.
I have a little thing
at the courthouse
in about half an hour.
I'm not here to confess.
I need guidance.
On what exactly?
Well, a member
of my family might be
committing a horrible sin.
And what sin is that?
My niece is having an abortion.
Oh.
And I just don't know
what to do.
Ah, I was really hoping
this was gonna be
you were tired of making
dinner or something.
But, okay.
I-I don't agree with her choice,
but I love her.
I could refer you to a clinic
that just fakes the procedure.
Can buy you, like,
two or three months.
No, no, I-I
I can't lie to her.
Maybe you could talk to her.
Oh.
I'm not gonna be around
a heck of a lot longer.
I'm, uh, being shuttled
to a new diocese in Ohio.
Really?
I have six days to grow
a full beard and mustache.
And please
start calling me David.
I need the practice.
David, how can I
forgive my niece?
Well, it's like my lawyer says.
Not everyone's gonna love you.
I'm sure your niece knows
what she's doing is wrong.
Even if at the time,
it just seemed so right.
Let love be your guide.
God knows I did.
Ah. That's my ride.
I'm sure you'll do
the right thing.
And that's why
the Contract with America
was so effective
in the midterms.
Gingrich knew
that it would crystallize
for conservative voters
exactly what policies
their representatives
would fight for.
That's what
I've been saying. Ohh!
You know,
it's great to finally meet
a Mexican who agrees with me.
Newt's out there fighting
the patriotic fight
for real Americans while
Clinton's playing
the goddamn saxophone!
- Yes! Fuckin' yes!
- Yes! Yes, sir.
You, you get it.
How'd you sleep last night?
- Great.
I hope Susan wasn't
uncomfortable on the couch.
No, she's fine, she's fine.
And my pajamas fit?
- Perfectly.
- Good, good.
Hey, listen,
I gotta get back to campus,
but this has been just great.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
The best.
Hey. Come here. Bring it in.
Let's keep in touch
over the summer, all right?
- You know it.
- You're one of the good ones.
You too.
Get the fuck outta my house.
Blaire.
Blaire, over here.
Oh, my God, are you guys okay?
Oh, yeah. I'm a loser
in high school. This is nothing.
Hey, more importantly,
are you okay?
Yeah, I will be.
And they for sure got him?
Oh. Pff. Barely.
He slipped out and ran around
the room for a bit,
but the doctor got him
with his giant mallet.
Wh Really?
No, you dumb fuck.
Well, I think we've all learned
a valuable lesson today.
No matter which side you're on,
we could all stand to be
a little more careful
with our jizz.
Amen. Let's get outta here.
Blaire, you awake?
Uh, just a second.
Come in.
Thought you might be hungry.
So, I made you
a little something to eat.
Thanks.
You, uh
You know
what I did today, right?
I know.
And I don't agree with it,
and I don't think I ever will.
But I love you anyway.
I love you too.
What's this?
They're baby shoes
from the shower.
I thought you might
wanna keep 'em
for when you are ready
to be a mother.
Thank you, Aunt Suse.
And one day, if I do decide
I wanna be a mom,
I really hope
I'm as good as you.
Oh, you'd love it.
You get to take care
of a whole house full of people.
You get a card once a year,
and it's such a great feeling
when you solve a stain.
I'll be sure
to keep all that in mind.
You are such a special,
special girl, Blaire.
And if I were you,
I'd go after that Nimeet.
Oh, he's one hot tamale.
She's gone.
Fuck, that was close.
Ah, are those Pringles?
Oh, fuck, yeah.
I'm so fuckin' glad
this week is over.
Hey, next abortion can you ask
for a baby business suit?
'Cause that's somethin'
I could actually use.
Hey, thanks again,
you guys, for coming with me.
Hey, one less
red-faced piece of shit
at the Celtics games, huh?
We may have gotten
our asses beat,
but at least it all had
a happy ending.
Which is what you should
have given to avoid all this.
- Fuck you.
- I know, right?
But really, you-you should
have just jerked him off.
Oh, you've got a headful ♪
Of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas ♪
That someone adores you ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪