The Cleaner (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1
Bloody hell.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on
..yes!
Hey, I'm up a tree.
Oh, well, I'll let the Pride Of
Britain people know.
Don't be like that.
It doesn't feel stable.
It's the only place I can get
a signal. What do you want, Wicky?
I'm in Wales.
Again, congratulations.
Give my love to
What are those dolls with the big
hats? What do you want?
I can't find this murder scene.
I can't even find any houses,
to be honest.
I thought I saw a bloke
to ask directions earlier -
turned out just to be a giant crow.
I mean, like, crazy big,
a-kid-could-ride-it big.
Look, I can't help you. What? Why?
Cos it's not my jurisdiction.
Oh, help me out, Ruth.
For old times' sake.
Look, I can't help you
because we don't cover Wales.
I don't even know about a murder.
Well, who do I talk to, then?
Well, I don't know, you berk.
The Welsh police?
Wales doesn't have its own
police force, Ruth. Grow up.
Look, I need to get on.
Hang on I CAN see a house.
I'll go to that. Right. Well, thanks
for being no help whatsoever.
And when are you coming
down the pub again?
You haven't been in there for ages.
The bloody nerve of you.
Are you a lightweight now, as well?
Ruth?
There we are. Steady, now.
Steady
All right?
Timber, you bloody fool!
Sorry. Have you no respect
for the departed?
Butter fingers.
I don't have butter on my fingers.
He doesn't. He just has
a pathological disregard
for those that have passed.
I do respect those
that have passed, Richard.
He looks pretty respectful.
Size of that hat.
You think this is the first body
he's dropped?
He drops a body
on a near weekly basis.
Treats those who are no longer
with us like a collection of yo-yos.
He was waving, Richard.
I'm going to leave you to it, lads.
Right. This time, with respect.
Better.
Good grief.
Harrowing, isn't it?
OK, we're instigating a
no-sneaking-up-in-the-creepy-cottage
rule.
What the hell happened?
Police are baffled.
They think foul play.
You sure? He might have
cut himself shaving, no?
They don't have the faintest idea
who would have beef
with a gamekeeper.
Fair enough. He'd have pheasant
if anything, play to his strengths.
Side serving of root veg,
lovely glass of heavy red,
what a charming evening.
You are a tough crowd.
I prefer not to jest.
You're telling me.
Well, someone didn't like him.
That is a frenzied attack.
No. No? No.
A crossbow through the heart.
He would have died almost instantly.
So why all the blood?
I'd rather not say.
What? Why? Respect to those who
have crossed to another realm.
Don't be daft. I'm never daft.
Look at the way I'm dressed.
This is not daft attire.
Can YOU tell me?
Don't you dare, Timber.
You ignore him, Tim Timber, is it?
Yes. He won't say, either.
And his name's Timber? Yes.
Re
OK, look, lads, the thing is,
I do have respect for the dead.
Those that are no longer
in earthly constraints.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, them.
But I'm going to need to know
what sort of blood that is.
It's the gamekeeper's blood. Quiet!
What do you mean?
Different blood needs different
chemicals to get it up, all right?
If anything, you'd be more
respectful by telling me,
because it will stop me from
wiping he who has escaped this
earthly plane around the floor
like a big old juicy meat pie.
Timber, go wait in the car.
Why? Because I asked you to.
You may drive us to the parlour.
Really? I'll go warm the engine up.
Don't rev it.
Rememberwe have a
distinguished passenger.
Now, do you wish me to explain
the amount of blood? Yes.
Please.
Let's just say, the cadaver
was not left intact.
I don't know what that means.
His anatomy was not appropriately
fused post mortem.
I still don't know what
you're talking about.
The victim's earthly remains
had been tampered with.
OK, mate, you and I are
going to fall out in a minute.
I'm being respectful.
This isn't respectful. This is like
talking to a pissed wizard.
Hm. In the attack
that snuffed out the life
Someone chopped his head off.
Ah. Get out!
I just want to know if I can bring
the hearse around. Yes, you may
bring the hearse around!
Slowly. Remember, you are
At the helm of a person's final
earthly journey, I know. Good.
Well Who the hell
would have wanted to ch
Who'd want to do that to him?
I'd rather not speculate.
And after they HAD done it to him,
where did they take the
..the, um
..bonce? Bonce?
Yeah, I went with bonce.
The head was found by the door,
as if dropped on exit.
One feels the intention was to
remove it from the scene.
The local police are
quite traumatised.
They would be, wouldn't they?
The only crime they get round here
normally is someone nicking a Zoom
lolly from a post-office freezer.
Zoom? I'm projecting.
It's a crime I got away
with as a child -
I've beenhaunted by guilt
ever since.
Right.
Well, we better get the poor fellow
back to the parlour for preparation.
New shirt, spot of powder,
sew his head back on, is it?
Please! Some respect!
Richard!
Timber!
No! Timber!
Well?
I don't know, they've
gone out the front.
And my present?
Well, it's gone, isn't it?
Where would it have gone?
Well, I imagine they put it in
the coffin with the rest of him.
It would still be mine
if you hadn't dropped it.
I didn't think we'd be disturbed.
Though, if I had, I would have
put my fingers up the nostrils
for a better grip.
You dropped my head.
There wouldn't have been a head
to drop, if it wasn't for me.
I must have it, so that part of him
belongs to me. I must own him.
Give it a bloody rest.
Give what a rest?
The husky voice,
thedramatic gestures,
the flared nostrils.
You think I flare my nostrils?
Yeah, you bloody do. Giving it
the big 'un while I do all the work.
Oh, really? Who selected the kill?
Who planned the route?
Who filled the car up?
Arranged for a dog sitter?
Hm? Who packed the killing kit?
Hm? You don't even know
what's in the killing kit.
Why are you being like this?
I'm not being like anything.
I just wouldn't mind
some gratitude, sometimes.
Do you not find me grateful?
Don't, no, no, don't start
Will you get it back?
For me? You know I will.
Nono.
No, we can't have creepy
death sex now, no.
We've got things to do.
Oh, God, I'm helpless.
I'm just not used to
an automatic, Richard.
Please, no excuses. Let's just try
and afford our client some dignity.
Is he a client?
Not really a client, is he?
Why wouldn't he be the client?
I suppose I thought it'd be hard to
settle an invoice when he hasn't
got a head on his shoulders.
We need to phone for
a recovery vehicle.
I tried, there's no signal.
Well, then you'll have to find one.
There's a tree about
two miles down there you can use.
Get in, I'll give you a lift.
The walk will do him good.
Quick as you like, Timber.
I've got a question.
Why am I so hard on him?
Because I know
..that one day
..he will have to fend for himself.
Because I won't be here,
and because every night,
I go to bed knowing
he will never be able to cope.
That is why I am so hard
on my poor, baby brother.
No, why is he called Timber?
Oh. When he was a kid,
he kept falling down. Oh.
What's his real name?
Timber. Oh, right.
Well?
They've just gone back in.
Well, two of them have.
And the other one has my head?
No, the hearse hasn't left yet.
Just listen when I tell you things,
or YOU take over the watch.
You're being really grumpy today.
I'm not being grumpy,
it's just you forget,
this is my day off.
I've got mountain of paperwork
waiting for me tomorrow.
You know, this is
supposed to be fun.
I must have it.
It's how I possess him.
Do you know that?
I've been thinking
Do you think, just this once
..can we just leave it there, today?
You know, we did a really good kill.
It was It was neat, and
Could you maybe just leave
without a trophy, just this once?
And what do you propose we do
with the rest of the day?
Well, I thought we could get
a takeaway and watch The Chase.
Everyone takes a trophy.
All our favourites - Peter, Ted,
Dennis. They all took trophies.
We said we were going to
do this properly.
We said we were
going to be the best.
I know Oh, does he think he's
better than Dennis, all of a sudden?
"Oh, I've done enough for today.
Now I'll just have a jalfrezi,
"and fingers crossed, I just make it
into the history books, anyway."
Look at the state of you.
You've barely pulled
a comb through your hair.
Sorry Just tired.
Why don't you have a sleep, then?
Sure Fred and Rose
built naps into their routine.
I'll get you the head. Thank you.
There we are. Ah, thank you.
You must see some awful things.
Yeah. You just normalise it
after a while, though, don't you?
But you must know that.
Normalise death?
Well, yeah. Blood's blood
after a while, isn't it?
A body's just No, it is not.
The earthly remains are
precious to those left behind.
They shoulder the burden
and it is to them I show my respect
with the care that I take.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I never get to meet the relatives,
but I I do like
Putting things right.
Yes. That's what I always say,
I like to put things right.
Erase the signs of the pain
their loved ones endured.
Exactly. See, there you go,
Mr Big Hat, we're not so different.
What does your partner think
of this grisly profession?
Ah, well, that lucky lady
is yet to make herself known.
You don't have a partner?
No. Do you?
Of course. I'm in my 50s.
Well, 50's the new 35,
isn't it? So
Well, who will look after things
if you were to
..you know? Die?
I think we're all right
for a few years yet.
Are you sure?
How much do you weigh?
I'm at my fighting weight.
You're very fat.
Blood pressure high?
Not that I'm aware of, no.
Get dizzy when you stand?
No. You're almost certainly
pre-diabetic, you know that?
How many days a week do you drink?
Only on the ones with the word
"day" in them. Am I right?
No laughing matter.
Your liver must be foie gras.
Oh, yeah, I'm a giant human goose.
You have had no-one in your life to
implore you to exercise restraint.
Delayed gratification. You eat and
drink what you want, when you want.
You have no-one to love you and
you have failed to love yourself.
Bloody hell!
Sorry, none of my business.
I'm perfectly happy on my own,
thank you.
For now.
If you've had no-one
to look after you in this life,
who will look after you
when you've gone?
Well, don't walk out now!
I'm starting to get bored.
You know what happens
when I get bored.
Listening? Yes! Sh!
Just give me a minute.
Something's happening.
I might have had one of my ideas.
Oh, I like your ideas.
Is it very dark?
Black as, baby. Mm.
Why would I need someone to
look after me when I'm dead?
Pauper's grave for you, then?
It's a little Dickensian, isn't it?
You're a little Dickensian. What?
Nothing.
Look, what do you mean?
Well, let's start with the basics.
Who would arrange and pay
for your funeral?
I don't know. The lads?
You have sons? No.
No, the lads from the pub.
So no partner or children,
no family, and your parents?
One dead, one dead to me.
I see.
I've got a sister.
Someone to bury you, at least.
Are you close? I mean,
she's got a family of her own, so
Just the lads from a pub, then.
Oh, God What?
I've just remembered the funeral
they arranged for Trinidad Dave.
Would he not have approved,
Trinidad Dave?
I mean, they meant well, but
..they
..they took it in turns
to limbo under his coffin.
Oh God, you're right.
I can't let them arrange my funeral.
What happens to your body
..is the tip of the iceberg.
Your soul should be
your biggest concern.
Stop saying cryptic things
and then walking off!
Richard's going to be so cross.
Basically, what you're saying is
just religious mumbo jumbo.
You think so?
I have to have someone
to look after my soul?
Do you think you'd get away with
spouting that sort of nonsense
in front of Professor Brian Cox?
He'd make you feel this big
with his piercing eyes
and his soft, wet lips.
I'm not religious. What?
I don't have a faith.
So why do you need
a bloody soul chaperone?
I have people who love me above
all others - my wife, my daughter,
my beautiful, innocent brother.
These are my chaperones.
When I pass,
I will live on through them.
How? Everything you have done,
every memory you created,
every positive influence
you had in the world,
they will take on
a life of their own.
They will live on in the minds
of those once touched.
My father lives here.
My grandparents, even.
And anyone I tell of them
takes them on, too.
My father's name was Geraint.
You now have a little of
my father inside you.
I don't want your father inside me.
Where have you cast
your shadow, Wicky?
Who will be taking you on?
Keeping the memory of you alive?
The boys from the pub?
You're going to
walk out again, aren't you?
Yeah.
Do you know what Philip Larkin
said on the subject?
Something about it being perfect.
He said,
"What will survive of us is love."
OK, the young one's clearly
gone off to get the hearse fixed.
That could take ages.
We'll wait it out.
And when he gets back,
he'll take my head.
I know, I know, but we have to be
practical sometimes, sweetheart.
We've probably lost that trophy,
but I told you that.
I have an idea. I thought
we might get another one.
A different head. A jogger
on the way home. Mm-mm.
Once the undertakers have gone
..I could get you
a very big head indeed.
I like the big head.
I want the big head.
We need to stay focused.
I have to get into the bloodlust
zone if I'm to take a second life.
Imagine a double murder.
I didn't hear anything you said.
You can just let me go.
Is that..? Timber!
Timber!
Oh, thank God. Can you help?
He's had a terrible fall.
A chair
Put you down here.
Thanks so much.
What were you two doing out there?
Er, we're bird-watchers.
We are.
We like watching
..birds.
What happened here?
Oh It was just an accident.
Someone cut themselves shaving?
I did say that! Please.
He doesn't like
people dissing the dead.
We don't have
a telephone signal here.
My brother will be back soon,
so we'll organise something then,
but it doesn't seem broken to me.
Are you very close
with your brother?
Yes. Very.
Adorable.
Such a shame about this accident.
It's very sad for someone to die
all alone out here.
Is there anything more tragic?
Hey, don't start, you.
Where is he?
Where's who?
Where is the body?
What does that matter to you?
Oh Could I have some tea?
I think I may be in shock.
I can make some tea.
The deceased is in the hearse,
if that's what you mean.
We're having transport problems.
Oh, you've got problems, all right.
Would you like some tea, dear?
How long have you two
been birdwatching?
Oh, along time.
Years.
What's your favourite bird?
I like a curlew.
They're inquisitive.
Oh. And you?
Why do you ask?
Just answer the question, dear.
Why should I?
I've got another question,
if you don't like that one.
How did you know it was a "he"?
What?
You said the victim was a "he".
How did you know?
I'm saying you're murderers,
just to be clear.
I think you two are murderers!
I like the robin.
Fiercely territorial.
You said I'd have to
stand up one day, Richard.
You told me that one day
I would be tested.
Today, I become a man.
Shall we take it now?
Shall we just take it straight away?
Don't be ridiculous,
it has to be dead first.
Why? It might be more fun
just to take it now.
It wouldn't stay still enough.
It would scream. We're lucky
enough to have it tied up at all,
with all the hints
you were bloody giving,
and now I've got two of them
to deal with. I got over-excited.
Yeah, well, you always do.
You were supposed to wait
for the undertaker to go.
Humph.
Don't be mad at her.
You're not the one who has to
kill three of them in one day.
And all because you
have to take your souvenir.
Hang on Am I one of the three?
And what are you planning to take?
My head!
My beautiful head!
You can't kill me!
Oh, I'm afraid that horse
has bolted.
Put it back!
Put the horse back in the stable.
It's massive.
I don't even know
where we'd keep it.
I'll build a shelf,
an extra-wide one.
You're going to get it
..I promise.
Do you actually mind?
Don't you raise your voice to ME
..or maybe I'll do as she asked.
Do it.
Do it, please.
But why would you want to?
I'm just a bloke.
I haven't even found anyone
to look after my soul yet.
What? Just give me
a few more years to find someone
to remember me when I'm dead.
What is it talking about?
I haven't got anyone who'll care
if you murder me.
Well, I have, but it's not
going to ruin anyone's life.
Sur Surely you want to
murder someone people will miss?
Why would I care about that?
Why would he care?
Don't you people want to be famous?
You're not going to get famous
by killing a nobody.
We're going to make YOU
famous, too, silly.
Your famous, massive head
..onmyshelf.
Surprise!
Taser, taser, taser.
All right, dickhead?
They were going to chop my head off.
Where would they have kept that?
It's massive.
Yeah
Did I do well, Richard?
I'm very proud of you.
Bit dramatic, all this,
innit, babs? Just a bit.
I've got a question.
How did I know to come?
Just heard two DCs in the station
talking about some murders
in rural Wales.
They were getting all excited
it was a serial killer.
Then I remembered you ringing.
No. Why did you say
"taser" three times?
What, so you just came
on the off-chance?
I thought, if I know anyone
unlucky enough to be
murdered in rural Wales,
it's you.
I'm not unlucky.
You've bought tickets to the White
Horse Christmas raffle for 25 years.
You've won nothing.
Yeah, because Mervyn fixes it,
I've told you.
It's just a way of getting
cheap meat for his cousins.
Back to Brum, then? Please.
I need a pint. So will you be
naming your firstborn after me,
then, now I've saved your life?
Oh, God, yeah. Even if it's a boy.
Especially if it's a boy.
No, you'd be better with girls.
You're not man enough to raise boys.
Shut up. I'm a hunk.
You didn't look very hunky in there.
What, when the murderers were
trying to chop my head off?
How come you're in this?
It's my car.
Why aren't you in a cop car?
I told you,
Wales isn't my jurisdiction.
But you were at work.
I took the afternoon off.
Why?
I just had a bad feeling.
You are a disgustingly nice person,
aren't you?
It's horrible, actually.
Good job, too, innit?
Soare you coming down
The Horse later, then,
or are you feeling
too almost-murdered?
Why did you do that?
Why did you come?
Wellcos I was worried about you.
I often am.
I'm a nobody.
Not to me.