An Idiot Abroad (2010) s02e07 Episode Script

The bucket list
See the glaciers before they melt.
Go on an African safari.
Encounter the world's
largest mammal.
The ultimate things to do
before you die.
Or are they?
If I was on my deathbed,
there's no way I'd want
to be climbing Kilimanjaro.
It's not things to do
a few minutes before you die.
It's things to do in your life.
Easy, boys. Easy, boys!
It's difficult. He was so suspicious
after the last time.
Oh, Jesus!
We've told him
that he gets to choose from the list
whatever he wants to do.
It's like Romeo and Juliet.
But that doesn't mean that
there won't be a few treats in store
that he's not expecting.
This is a man who's reluctant.
This is a man who doesn't want
to do these things.
No.
Let it happen. No.
It's making Karl do things
that other people want to do
before they die.
Exactly, yeah. This isn't his list.
You fucking twats!
Route 66 I've heard of. It's alright.
Travelling along Route 66.
What is it?
Just driving down it, having a look?
Well, it's a long one.
It's 2,500 miles.
One of America's first highways.
The thing that worries me is
is it America who's made this seem
like it's a good thing to do?
What do you mean?
I just think they're more excitable.
When I was in Disneyland,
I went past some fruit on a boat.
Three old women getting excited
about an eggplant, whooping.
Now I sort of think,
"Am I miserable?"
You've got a question.
I've got an answer.
Yeah, you're fucking miserable.
No, but I think I get excited at
things you should get excited about.
OK, what was the last thing
you got excited about?
Smile. Just smile. Just fake it.
No, do a smile.
See, you don't know
what that feels like, do you?
That's odd to you.
No, show your teeth.
Yeah, yeah. That looks weird.
I've never seen it before.
It looks weird. It looks weird.
So, Route 66,
you must have heard of that.
Yeah, a car without a roof on it,
driving along. Yeah.
Sun sort of there, shades.
Right, there you go.
Get your kicks on Route 66.
Off you go.
It's just a road.
It's tarmac.
It's a road with cars on it.
It's like any other road.
I don't think Americans come
over here going, "Where's the M1?"
"I can't wait to get on the M1."
Is it the first road over there,
the first proper road?
The first one across America.
Everyone thinks the M1
is our first motorway, but it isn't.
M6.
Preston Bypass,
that's the first motorway in the UK.
But you don't hear people
going on about it.
They don't get excited,
"I'm going on the M6 tomorrow."
"Are you? Lucky bastard."
It doesn't happen.
Right, this is it then, isn't it?
I'm in California.
Nice, isn't it?
This bit here, the pier, is
That's the start of Route 66.
And I think it goes that way
for miles.
It's an alright beach though,
isn't it? This is me, this.
Loads of room.
Not as clean
as I thought it would be.
There's pigeon's knocking about
which you don't see on Baywatch.
That would be good if I get a Hummer.
Or any of these, if it's got air-con.
Can't argue, can I?
I asked for a convertible.
Fucking hell.
It's not what I had pictured.
In fact, I've seen babies
in prams bigger than this.
Why do people say
they want to do the Route 66 thing?
Am I meant to enjoy it
now whilst I'm doing it,
or is it something
you appreciate after?
Do you know what I mean?
Like a lot of things in life.
In a way, even though
I'm eager to have fruit
and I'd love to have an orange,
I never really enjoy the orange.
I'm always happy to get to the end
when you can wash your hands.
I get sick of it
running down your arm.
I tend to eat them in the bath.
I'm shattered,
do you know what I mean?
Now I've got to turn into
Lionel Blair just like that.
Ha!
Ha!
That's it, that's it!
Good, good, good!
OK, go like this.
He!
He!
Yes, see,
you're using your diaphragm.
Whoooo!
That's good, Karl.
I think you can sing.
So, we have a solo for you.
You're gonna do a solo.
Does that mean singing on my own?
That's what it means.
I can't do that.
You don't want me doing a solo.
That's it!
Karl, you could do this solo.
Get the dancers in!
No, hang on. No, wait.
Don't bring the dancers in yet, honestly.
I need to nail this.
It's just that in two hours or so,
you're going to be performing it.
Karl, your facial expressions.
And remember, smile.
See, we need a nice face like that.
It's not fun for everyone. She's
going, "See, you're having fun."
"No, not really. No, I'm not."
But is it just an American thing?
Do they have fun better than us?
The word "fun" annoys me.
Someone says, "Are you coming round,
having some fun?"
"I'd rather not actually.
I don't want fun."
It's a word I just don't use.
It's not my sort of thing,
singing and dancing.
We've got enough singers and dancers
anyway in the country.
Why we still have Pop Idol
and X Factor Everyone's singing.
I mean, this is a school.
They're not doing English and maths.
They're arsing about
jumping to Van Halen.
Where's the doctors, the plumbers?
When I had a problem with my boiler,
I had to wait two weeks.
If they need someone
to come round and sing and dance,
loads of them. We've got enough.
I haven't got a taste for it,
honestly.
This isn't like a big
life-changing moment.
"Oh, Karl has finally found
his destiny."
I don't want to do this.
I've never been that embarrassed.
I always say to you that
you give me anxiety dreams.
I panic because of
the things you set up.
That time when I had a dream
about being in a toilet
and you open the door
and there was a big audience
looking at me having a shit.
It was exactly the same feeling
I had in my dream as that.
I just wanted to wake up and for it
to go away. It was shocking.
That's true actually. Yeah.
That's normal.
You got to stretch your legs when
you've been sat in a car all day.
What's all this?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Jesus.
What's it all about?
Is it one man who's done this,
or is it a touristy thing
and you're meant to bring a bottle
and stick one on when you're here?
I think it's just one guy's house.
He's got a serious drink problem
whatever it is, hasn't he?
To be honest, it's scary
that he's not in, cos where is he?
What is he doing?
What is his life like?
I don't know what I'm meant
to get from it.
I don't know if it's proving a point,
or if he's just a scruffy bastard.
This is what they mean, isn't it,
about it's not worth doing recycling
back in Britain?
Because there's me
with my Marmite jar,
and my milk bottle and what-have you.
But if he's doing this,
what's the point?
I just always think about
when it's time to move
and you've got to sell your place.
His target market
There's not many people who would
want this in their front garden.
No-one's gonna turn up and go,
"This is what I've been looking for."
"Two bedrooms, we're after that.
A load of shit in the garden."
I got a text from Steve
and he says this part of Route 66
goes through the old hippy area.
So he wants me to stop off
and meet Valerie.
"She's into New Age healing therapy.
Enjoy."
Did that just shout my name?
Hello?
Karl.
Hello!
Hello!
Valerie.
Hello.
I'm Karl.
Nice to meet you.
Did you just shout my name?
No, she may have.
That's Kiwi.
It's not doing it now.
So, you're a shaker?
I'm a what?
You're a shaker. Are you a hugger?
Er
You want a hug?
No, this is alright, this is good.
I've just met you.
Come in.
Alright.
Hello.
Hiya.
This is Clive. Clive.
This is Sam.
Nice to meet you.
This is Karl.
Hello.
This is what we call the sandbox.
This is Karl.
Hey, Karl.
This is our beanbag hang out.
It's held space for a lot of
really beautiful gatherings,
a lot of connecting.
Would you like to see inside? Yeah.
This is where
we'll be gathering tonight.
Who will be?
Could be 15 or 20 people.
It's called cuddle party.
Have you heard of cuddle party?
No But hang on.
I haven't been here long,
but I've walked past four blokes.
One woman. So how does that work?
They're coming.
There will be more women.
You don't want to cuddle any men?
Well, I don't want
to cuddle strangers really.
Probably gonna start at eight,
so you and I need to go
and put our pyjamas on.
Why have I got to wear pyjamas?
Look, I am so comfy
now I've got shorts on.
They're nice and baggy, I'm getting
air to my legs. I'm relaxed.
I think I'm gonna encourage you to
push yourself and put on some PJ's.
"Bucket list.
What do you want to do, Karl?"
"I want to drive down Route 66."
"Alright then."
What are we doing?
I'm keeping my hat on.
I don't want to look too relaxed
because it then looks like
I am up for anything.
But this is saying
"I'm new round here."
Is there any part of you
that thinks you might
learn something from it?
No. I don't think there is.
Touch can be very healing,
and sometimes things come up
we don't expect.
So, that means that if you
are cuddling and you become aroused,
that's OK, that's a beautiful thing
to acknowledge.
Speak with your partner, you can
excuse yourself and have grapes.
It's about using your voice
and communicating, right?
We do get questions here
about erections
and they do happen
from time to time.
There's a level of discomfort,
and what we're aiming for here
is to be comfortable with that.
To be able to dialogue,
to be able to talk about what to do.
Would you like to hug?
I'd rather not.
You're not ready to hug me yet?
No. Because I think we're
getting on without it.
We're fine.
Can I hug you? Will you hug me?
Yes.
Mmm, thank you.
You're welcome.
Would you like
Honestly, it's nothing against you.
I haven't hugged Valerie.
You haven't hugged her?
No.
Alright then.
I didn't want to be pushed into it.
I didn't know I was coming tonight.
It's not like I knew
what was going on.
I can't hug you now
because then Valerie will be going,
"Hang on a minute."
Are you making that up?
Valerie wouldn't care. She'd be
so happy you changed your mind.
I would be happy that you said yes
to what you want to say yes to.
I'm telling you, it would bother you.
Inside, you'd be going,
"What is going on?" Oh, dear one!
How long does this go on for?
Are people paying to be here?
That's what it's about then.
Of course she's gonna say,
"A cuddle is good for you."
She's doing the sell job to us.
She's not gonna go,
"It's a load of old bollocks this,
but don't tell anyone."
But good on her.
Don't have a go at people for
coming up with a business venture.
But if she went on "Dragon's Den,"
this wouldn't happen in England.
This wouldn't work.
But in America,
they love all this shit.
How would you feel if I scooted
up behind you to spoon you?
That's worse than a cuddle.
That is a cuddle.
That's more than a cuddle that.
What if I put my back to you
and I face the other way?
That's alright because
that's just because it's crowded.
Touching like that, that's
just like being on the tube.
But you don't touch people
on the tube.
You do. In London you do.
It's a nightmare in rush hour.
Really?
You'd love it.
Right.
That's enough fun for me anyway.
You want to go down there? I've
got to get going. The traffic's
What?!
The traffic
What are you talking about,
the traffic?
This is a bit of
a tourist attraction.
Might as well have a look.
Nothing else happening, is there?
Big fish in a small pond.
The sign said it was
an anniversary present.
The bloke who built it
built it for his wife.
Odd gift, isn't it?
And then the problem is, he did this,
what do you get her next year?
You're just making yourself
a bigger problem.
Suzanne always says
it's not about the gifts.
She says it's the thought
and everything.
You never go out of your way
to get me something different.
She says she's always giving me
hints, but I don't hear her.
She says, "I've told you I've wanted
this, I've told you I wanted that."
"You never listen."
And then she gets fed up.
That's the thing, you see. About
America, all that positive thinking.
She has positive thinking.
She thinks, "I've told him I want
a new ring or a pair of earrings,
he'll get it me."
She has that positive thinking
about it.
But the problem
with positive thinking,
when it doesn't happen,
you get negative.
And most of the time,
it doesn't happen.
So she's pissed off most of the time.
She wouldn't want this anyway.
Looking for gold.
That'd be good.
I'll get Suzanne some.
She'll be impressed
with that present, and it's free,
so we're both happy.
Is this like a proper trailer park?
I've heard of these.
I mean, I lived
in a tiny flat in London
but it was still
a bit bigger than that.
That is ridiculous.
You can wash up whilst you're in bed.
Do you know what would annoy me
with that?
If someone comes and you don't
want to answer the door.
They know you're in, don't they?
There's nowhere to hide there.
These are alright. These are like
what we used to stay in Wales.
I think I'd be happy with this.
Because you'd just always feel
like you're on holiday.
Joe.
Hey, how's it going?
I'm Karl. How are you?
Nice to meet you, man.
You alright?
Nice to meet you.
How are you doing?
Just a bit hot.
You wanted to find some gold.
Yeah.
I wouldn't mind getting some
for my girlfriend.
She always expects a gift
when I come home. Oh, yeah, I bet.
Maybe you could find something
to take back to her.
We'll take my truck and we'll
go find some gold back there.
I bet you're interested
in getting into a mine, huh?
How does that sound?
That sounds good. Sounds good.
Bloody hell.
Pretty good pickup, huh?
Yeah.
You've never been up hills
like these, huh? Not driving.
Well, this will be
an experience for you.
Oh, Jesus. Fucking hell.
Slow down a bit here.
Fucking hell.
Jesus.
You like that, huh, Karl?
Is there not another way?
It's proper mental that.
And that's his commute.
Every day.
This is an example of the explosion
that we would get
to open up a new tunnel.
You can try to shoot
this target here.
Come on up here
on this little road right here
and see how good you can do
on this one here, Karl.
Alright, everybody
Shall I get a bit further back?
This seems close to me.
You're fine, you're fine.
Are you sure?
Oh, I'm positive.
If anything comes towards you,
I'll jump in front of it.
Just take your time and be at ease.
You're fine.
Safe distance.
Is it gonna be loud?
No, not too loud.
Fucking it was loud.
I thought you were talking
about the explosion.
No, I meant this. Fucking hell!
You want an ear plug? Jesus.
Have you got another one?
This for a coconut.
Oh, a few inches too high.
That was too high.
Aim fast, aim fast.
Aim it on there and do it.
Breathe, breathe, do it!
Fucking hell!
There you go, Karl! You got it!
Ow! That's hot.
Yeah, that's hot.
Did you like that, Karl?
It's a good feeling, isn't it?
Yeah. It's a good stress release.
I used to play on these
all the time at the fair.
You know,
where you had to hit a dartboard.
A bit of paper in the middle
with a star on it.
I used to always win coconuts.
It was always coconuts.
Not at all, it was useless.
That's the only time you see them.
You can't see them in supermarkets.
You need a coconut,
you've got to go to the fair.
I'm gonna let you light one
this time.
We ought to stick it in that crack
and blow that whole mountain up.
Is he serious?
Blowing that up?
Karl.
Get behind there.
How long do you reckon?
Oh. Any second now.
Say ten seconds. Count down, Karl.
Ten, nine, eight
You only got to, what? To eight?
Did you feel the decompression
through the air?
It sucks your ears. Yeah,
it's kind of relaxing to do that.
Not really.
No? No.
Is that your idea of fun around here?
It used to be,
but I got blown up a while back.
Seriously?
Yeah, seriously.
I like the way you tell me that now.
Go on back there, Karl.
That way we can find
some good pieces of ore.
I don't
Is it worth going further down?
Well, you don't know
till you get there.
I never wanted to work down a pit.
You just don't want
to scream or yell.
Just keep watching for snakes.
What about spiders?
There's spiders anywhere.
I can't
How big are they?
What's that there?
There's a bat.
Whoa! You stupid bastard!
Don't do that.
What did you call me?
I kind of felt safe with him.
It's like,
even if it did all cave in,
I reckon he'd be able to get me out.
It was like having
Desperate Dan with me.
One hand right here.
One hand right here.
Kind of tilt it down.
You want to shake it like this.
Went looking for gold,
didn't find any.
So it's not looking good
for Suzanne's present.
That's what I was
relying on really.
I'm after something bigger,
something like that.
Yeah, me too.
I like Joe though. He had
his vest on, ready for action.
Three guns, a rifle.
We're only having a barbecue.
What was your other
The rest of your trip like?
I went to a cuddle party.
Couple parties, huh?
"Cuddle."
A cuddle party?
What the hell is that?
Meet up in a tent with
a load of strangers and have a hug.
That's a new one on me.
I hope they were women.
A bit of both.
That's been one good thing actually
about Route 66.
It is a good sort of road
to listen to music on.
They're all a bit depressing,
the songs I like, but good stories.
"Pinball Wizard,"
I've never understood that one.
That deaf, dumb and blind kid
playing pinball.
I just always think, did he even know
he was playing pinball?
He's got no senses there.
"Deaf, dumb and blind kid
sure plays a mean pinball."
He's no idea what he's doing.
If you're deaf, dumb and blind,
it's a waste of money
putting it in the pinball machine.
Could have just given him
some buttons to hit.
He's no idea what he's doing.
I walked miles
to find a tree to have a piss at.
That's not for me that, is it?
That isn't the next thing
Ricky and Steve have got me?
That's what I wanted.
That's what I had in my head.
Are you Ronnie? Alright, Ronnie.
This fucking thing.
It's embarrassing.
Happens every time.
Meet Ronnie. Hard looking bloke.
He had tattoos on his legs.
For me, that's when you know
someone is hard.
Not the poncey ones either.
Not Latin and all that,
or that Robbie Williams style thing.
Just like this.
Is that the only way in?
Only way in.
Doesn't use aftershave,
smells like a WD-40.
Fucking hell!
I'm not getting in this.
Fucking hell.
You want to go try this now?
No, forget it.
No?
No.
You don't want to go for a ride?
Not without a proper seat.
Jamie, there isn't even
a proper seat.
I can't get in this.
Ronnie!
Can you hear me? Ronnie! Ronnie!
Ronnie! Ronnie!
Stop! Ronnie! Ronnie!
Stop, stop, stop!
Ronnie!
Right, that's fine.
Want to try it again?
No, you're alright, Ronnie.
I mean, look at the size of it.
And yet there's only room
for one man in it. It makes no sense.
It's not a monster truck,
it's just big wheels.
And that doesn't add anything
to a car.
I don't buy a car
on the size of the wheels.
If it had a monster glove
compartment, that's more useful.
Look at mine compared to that.
I thought Route 66
was meant to be about freedom,
but it isn't
cos it's really restricting.
It's one road.
I don't think I like that in life.
I think that's why I'm not
a big fan of Sat Navs.
Getting lost,
that's a good thing in life I think.
That's how you find new things.
When Columbus was in his boat,
I wonder if he was trying
to find America.
Or if he just got in the boat
and went out for a Sunday sail.
He bumped into it and went, "Bloody
hell, look at this I've found."
I think my problem with Route 66
is it's already laid out,
and I'm just on it.
It's not my journey, is it?
Aren't the Amish meant to be great
believers in sharing and all that?
Not being selfish.
This might be a good place
to get Suzanne a gift for free.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Karl.
Karl, nice to meet you.
Nice to see you.
How are you doing today?
Good, how about you.
Not bad, just a little bit warm.
Yeah, it's a little warm.
Burning my head.
That's my dad, Laverne.
Hello, Laverne.
How are you doing there?
Come on out, girls.
You were hoping to go inside I bet.
Yeah, to get out of this.
It's roasting.
Do you have suntan lotion?
What's that?
Suntan lotion.
A hat? If you've got a hat,
I'm happy to wear a hat.
Or lotion, whatever's easiest.
That's it. That's great.
OK? Alright.
Do you want to give us a hand?
Yeah, I'm happy to do that.
Remove your shoes,
go barefoot and get a treatment.
Go barefoot.
I don't grow anything at home.
You get all your produce
from someone else.
Yeah. I get it delivered.
Yeah.
You just go on the computer,
tick boxes.
Six eggs, bread, beans.
They just deliver it to your house.
Oh, really?
I'd say the kids
are the biggest difference.
His kids seem a lot different
than the kids you see at home.
They seem like kids.
Kids that age at home, they're
pushing a pram with a fag on.
Everything is in a rush now at home.
Everyone wants to be an adult.
They want to skip being a kid.
I loved being a kid. I loved it.
The best years of my life
playing out on my bike.
What about relaxing?
Like a You see
I don't read that much
so it's hard to think.
But say like a James Bond,
say "Dr No" or something like that,
would you ever read something
like that, or can't you relate to it?
Like a what?
James Bond.
Haven't heard of James Bond?
Seriously?
Seriously, I'm not
Is it kind of a mystery?
He's like a British agent.
He's an undercover
He solves crime,
and he's been around for ages.
Come on in.
Let's have a look.
Get out of the sun.
A little bit cooler down here.
That's nice though, isn't it?
Good these, Polly.
You want to take a can with you?
Erm I was just thinking
about my girlfriend.
She always expects a present
when I've been away. Oh, sure.
I'm thinking peas are fine.
She's not gonna like these
because she's
She's not that fussy with peas.
Honestly, they're like garden peas.
They are, but they're kind of mushy.
She likes mushy peas.
They taste OK.
Mushy peas, that's a thing
they have in England.
Mushy peas with fish and chips.
That is fine, and it's a good size.
Is that OK?
Sure, that's OK.
You've got to admire them,
haven't you?
Really happy
with the most simplest things.
I had to be chuffed about some peas.
And I know Suzanne,
she won't be happy with that.
She'll have a face on. Cos she knows
I was going in a gold mine.
She'll be thinking she's getting
a new necklace when I go home.
But I'll say,
"Listen, stop your whingeing."
"The Amish don't moan about it."
"But whilst you're at it,
get in the garden, sort stuff out."
"Get off your arse!"
That's the thing here.
They do graft hard, don't they?
And have you noticed,
I've seen a few Amish knocking about,
none of them are fat, cos they're
all out and about doing stuff.
They're out in the open air, not
eating crap, growing their own stuff.
They've got it right.
It's just the beard that's daft.
I don't think I could pull off
a beard quite like you. What's that?
I don't think I'd suit a beard.
I think moaning is good for you.
Makes you feel alive,
a good moan, a good rant.
That's why I couldn't live
in America.
Everyone thinks you should be happy.
It's all about living the dream.
If you're living the dream, how do
you know if you're awake or asleep?
That's what I quite like.
I quite like having bad dreams.
You wake up and go,
"Thank God for that."
If your dreams are better
than your life, what is the point?
Your dreams should never
be better than your real life.
Unless you're a sloth.
Because then they're asleep a lot,
aren't they?
Got a text from Steve. He says,
"We understand you are getting
a little bit bored of driving,
so we have arranged a flight for you
to see the end of Route 66
from above."
I'm not a big fan of flying.
He knows that.
I've got to meet this bloke
called Greg.
Greg?
Yes.
Hi, Greg.
How are you?
I'm about to do something
I'm not looking forward to.
You want to go flying?
I've never been in a plane
that's open.
I have that fear of wind hitting
against me, not been able to breathe.
You're not gonna get to ride
in the seat that much.
You're gonna ride
up on top the wing.
That would be your best view.
I'm sick of it.
No-one seems to care.
You don't need to do this these days.
There's loads of cheap airlines.
You can't get a seat for a quid.
But here I am standing on a wing.
You've got to grab hold of these
Remember, I'm gonna be high up.
You've got to grab hold of these,
pull yourself up.
Put your foot there.
Hang on. So, put your foot there.
Look how tight it is here.
You can't put your foot on that.
It's like playing Twister.
There's all these sharp things
I keep catching myself on.
These nuts and bolts.
Fucking hell.
I'm not doing it, Jamie, forget it.
You've seen that I've tried.
I don't have to do all this.
Route 66 was the idea of
the whole thing.
He keeps pissing me off. He's always
making me look like a knob.
Why have I got to wear this really?
Spiderman at a funeral.
I'm not doing it.
I told you at the beginning.
I said, "It's Route 66."
You talked about bungee-jumping
and all that other daft stuff.
I said, "I don't want to do
any of that."
I look like a right fucking knobhead,
and it's not even a new plane.
It's a really old one.
We sat in your office
Yeah.
Honestly, it's an old
But this is
No, cos this is my bucket list.
No. No.
It's not chickening out.
No, it's not chickening out.
Alright, where is it? What
Forget it. I'm not getting
on stage wearing that.
Fucking hell!
No! No!
I don't like it!
Greg! I want to go down!
I want to go down!
You fucking twat!
You bastards!
Next time on An Idiot Abroad
You said you weren't willing
to climb Everest.
What about climb Mount Fuji
in Japan? Ah!
Is that nicer
than the other mountains?
Out of all the mountains,
is that the best one?
A free trip to Japan.
A doddle.
Enjoy.
Jesus Christ.
No idea where I am, what I'm doing.
You're gonna end up killing me.
Look at the size of him.
How did you like it?
I didn't like it.
Right, that's enough!
Look at this.
Fuck.
I get stressed out
with builders at home.
They never turn up on time.
When they do,
I want them focused on the plumbing.
Walks like it shit itself.
The good thing is, Ricky and Steve
haven't seen any of it.
Who's the idiot?
Look how high it is.
I'm not fucking looking.