Bad Move (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

1
# Bah! Ba-ba-ba-bah!
Ba-ba-ba-bah!
# Ba-ba-ba-bah!
# When the world
In which you live in
# Gets a bit too much to bear
# And you need someone to lean on,
When you look there's no one there
# You're gonna find me
Out in the country
# Yeah, you're gonna find me
# Way out in the country,
Ba-ba-ba #
A SHEEP BLEATS
"Anne and" What does that say?
Graham? Gordon?
I think it's Gavin.
Please tell me we don't know
anyone called Gavin.
I don't think that says Anne either,
I think it says Val.
Well, whoever they are, they're
wishing us a very happy Christmas.
Oh, Santa's little helper's
not in a good mood, is he?
Well, it's all so pointless,
isn't it?
In fact, you know what? Let's just
not do Christmas this year.
Zoe's at her dad's,
my two can't make it.
What, you mean just ignore it?
Just treat Christmas
like any other day,
it's what a lot of our neighbours
in Leeds did.
They were Muslims.
Maybe, but they had the right idea.
Do you like Turkey?
Not really.
Christmas pudding?
I wouldn't miss it.
Yeah, and you know why?
Because it's not very nice.
I'm always too full to enjoy it.
Exactly! You're stuffed to the gills
and then you've got to eat something
that looks like it's been dropped
on your plate by a police horse.
Oh, thanks,
I think that's off the menu now.
Yeah, a good test,
take the word Christmas out
and would you still do it? Would
you send someone a card saying,
wishing you a very happy day?
Course not,
they'd think you're deranged.
Or American.
What, you mean no decorations,
no Christmas tree?
Again, take the word Christmas out,
do we normally have
a tree in the house?
OK, OK.
You're on,
we're not doing Christmas. Deal?
Deal.
So no presents then.
Not doing Christmas?
Whose idea was this?
Well, Steve pointed out
Oh, I might've known.
No, I agree with him.
We do all these things just cos
it's Christmas Day
and we don't enjoy them.
Who says we don't enjoy them?
Well, it's true,
I mean, take sprouts.
If sprouts were nice, people would
have them more than once a year.
I do, I eat them every Sunday
when they're in season.
Twice a week sometimes.
All right, not sprouts, mince pies.
I love mince pies,
I eat them all the time.
OK, Christmas crackers.
No-one ever has crackers
unless it's Christmas.
Hey, you're right, and there's
something else fishy I've noticed.
People only have Easter eggs
when it's Easter.
You might be on to something here,
Steve.
Well, we've decided we're not making
a big thing of it this year.
Suit yourselves,
no skin off my nose.
I'll be having my Christmas
dinner at the bowls club, as usual,
followed by a great big,
steaming Christmas pudding.
What's so funny?
Sounds lovely.
Nothing.
Right, that's me off.
Have you got some gardening work?
Do you mind! These aren't my work
clothes, this is my best coat.
Hey, I thought
we weren't doing Christmas.
This is work,
North Yorkshire Mobility Scooters
felt their website
wasn't Christmassy enough.
Oh, I know, why don't you have Santa
coming across on one of their
scoo
'Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!'
Aw, that's quite sweet!
Yeah,
Santa's got a degenerative disease.
'Ho-ho-ho!'
# Hark the Herald Angels sing
# "Glory to the new-born King!"
# Peace on earth and mercy mild #
Shop looks nice.
It's for Christmas.
Yeah, I Anyway, it's very nice.
Want any tinsel?
It's on special offer.
Er, no thanks.
What about chocolate oranges?
Four for the price of five.
No, we're erm
Isn't that the wrong way round?
Huh?Shouldn't it be five
for the price of four?
Only if you're getting four
but you're payingGareth!
Should the chocolate oranges
be five for the price of four?
'You what?'
Why aren't the chocolate oranges
five for the price of four?
'We'd be losing out that way.'
We'd be losing out that way.
Right. Well, I don't want any
anyway, thanks.
Actually, me and Steve,
we've decided we're not doing
Christmas this year.
Why not?
We're just not.
That's daft, that is.
Best day of the year, Christmas Day.
You can eat what you want
all day long.
There we are, all done.
See you in the New Year.
Some of you.
THE TILL BLEEPS
Oh, hello, dear.
Doing your Christmas shopping?
Oh, no, we've decided we're not
oh, never mind.
What are you up to at Christmas,
Alice? Are you seeing your sister?
Oh, no, Joyce is away in Colchester
visiting her daughter.
I'll just stay at home on my own,
again. It's nice and warm
if I keep my coat on.
What do you mean,
you've invited her to drinks?
We said we're not doing Christmas.
We're not,
it's just drinks that
happen to be on Christmas Eve.
I had to do something, she's going
to be all alone on Christmas Day.
Like she is every other day,
once again,
take the word Christmas out of it,
it makes a lot more sense.
It's a day
and she's going to be alone on it.
And with that,
the little Christmas elf
shook his bell
and wrapped another present.
Who else are you
thinking of inviting?
My dad.
Matt and Meena.
Oh, not them.
Oh, come on.
If the soldiers in the First World
War can have a Christmas truce,
then so can you.
Yes, but this is more serious, they
didn't actually hate each other.
No, it's not Christmas drinks, Dad,
it's just drinks
that happen to be on Christmas Eve.
All right, well, call it what
you want, are you coming or not?
Good. Bye.
God's sake.
Where are you off to?
Oh, erm, I just thought I'd go and
invite Grizzo to this drinks thing.
You've changed your tune.
I doubt Grizzo'll want to come.
Well, you never know, anyway,
I thought we might as well invite
someone I actually like.
THE DOOR BELL CHIMES
Oh, hiya, Steve.
Oh, hi. Have I come at a bad time?
No, just getting this down
off the roof.
How did a harp get on your roof?
Put it this way,
that's the last time I invite
Kylie Minogue
to one of my parties!
Right. Anyway, the reason I'm here,
we were just wondering
what you're doing for Christmas?
Oh, I'm gonna have a traditional
Christmas.Oh, good,
we're having drinks
on Christmas Eve,
so if you fancy coming round?
Love to.
Great!
Only, like I said,
I'll be in the Bahamas.
Oh, I thought you said you were
having a traditional Christmas.
No, that is the tradition.
I go to the Bahamas.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Well, have a nice time.
You too. Thanks for the invite.
Oh, no, you're welcome.
Oh, Steve.
When is it again?
Christmas Eve.
No, when's Christmas?
It's in five days' time.
Brilliant! Cheers!
Hi, Shannon.
I did a click and collect,
is there a parcel here for me?
It's a present for Nicky.
What's it look like?
Well, I should imagine it looks
like a parcel with my name on it.
Gareth!
Is there a parcel there?
'You what?'
Is there a parcel for Steve?
'I don't think so.'
It should be here,
it was next-day delivery.
If it's next-day delivery,
it'll be here tomorrow then.
No, I ordered it yesterday,
so today is the next day.
Well, every day's the next day
if you start from yesterday.
Look, I came in here for a parcel,
not a philosophy lecture.
Is it here or not?
No.
Thank you.
Shouldn't that be
Maybe she just doesn't like harps.
Well, we'll probably never know.
The point is, he can't come.
Well, let's hope Matt and Meena can.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, look at this!
Welcome to the next
John Lewis advert.
'I've been baking brownies
since five in the morning!'
'I have been behind the wheel of a
car for three hours already today!'
'I've been on the roof
putting the lights up!'
'Yes, but it was me that got
the illuminated reindeer working!'
'Bully for you!'
STEVE KNOCKS THE DOOR
Hi.
What a pleasant surprise.
Anyone for a cinnamon brownie?
They're very moreish.
I see you put a few lights up.
Where are the kids?
They're at macrame club.
They're very good at it.
Of course.
Look what Silas made last week.
What is it?
It's an angel.
It's lovely!
They're making our present
this week.
We're not allowed to know
what it is.
Whatever it is,
it'll be made out of string.
It's the thought that counts, Steve.
We wondered if you'd like to come
for drinks Christmas Eve?
Yeah, they're not Christmas drinks,
just drinks on Christmas Eve.
I don't see the difference.
Talk to my dad about that.
We've decided we're not
going to do Christmas this year.
Oh, that's a shame.
You can't beat a proper Christmas.
Christmas stockings
Christmas walks..games
..carols
Christmas rows.
Anyway, we'd love to come.
Great.
Yeah, but that's not click and
collect, is it? That's just click.
All right,
I'll go back and see if it's there,
like I have every day
since I ordered it.
Yep.
Yeah, happy Christmas to you, too.
Mind you don't choke on a mince pie,
or anything.
Who was that?
Oh, it was just a client
ringing to wish me happy Christmas.
They're brave.
I thought I might go to the shop,
get a few
bits and pieces for tonight.
We've got everything we need,
I drove 50 miles to get it.
Yeah,
but we might need some mustard.
We've got mustard.
No, not the stuff
they sell at the shop.
What? Mouldy and out-of-date.
Yeah, but we do need some post-it
notes, as well as mustard.
So, I won't be long.
It's not here.
Well, according to them, it is.
Can you please double-check.
Gareth!
'It's not here, I've checked!'
Can you look on the system,
see what it says.
THE COMPUTER BLEEPS
It's saying there's an unexpected
volume of parcels.
Unexpected?!
What is unexpected about Christmas?
It's been on the calendar
for over 2,000 years.
It hasn't been unexpected
since that angel appeared
to three shepherds in a field.
They had a right to be caught out
by it but nobody else does!
It's
not
here.
Right, well,
that's that then, isn't it?
I'll just have to wake up
on Christmas morning
with no present for my wife.
Thought you weren't doing Christmas.
Am I the only one
coming to this party?
No, Matt and Meena
are coming with the kids,
oh, and they're bringing Alice.
I hope you've got enough booze in,
she's the reason there's no pub in
the village.Was there a pub then?
Oh, yes, they made
the mistake of banning her,
two months later
they went out of business.
That'll be them.
Oh, it's started snowing.
Oh, yes,
it's almost as if it's Christmas.
Shame we're not allowed to say it.
DOOR BELL RINGS
IN CHORUS: It's snowing!
Well, let's hope your car
doesn't get stuck.
Listen to him, you townies
see a couple of flakes of snow
and start to panic!
We're a bit more used to it here.
I could do with a sherry
to warm myself up.
Well, if you'd like to come in.
Oh, hello, Alice.
Is there any sherry?
Dad, would you, erm
It's all right, I'll manage.
There we go, try telling her
it's not Christmas.
We made you a present.
Oh, lovely.
They made that all by themselves.
Oh.
It's a table mat.
Oh, right, well,
put it on the table them.
What would you like to drink?
Wine, beer?
I'm driving, just tap water for me.
Great, well, help yourself then.
Meena?
This sherry's very good.
Ooh, I might have one of those.
Right, one sherry coming up.
Oh, I think I'll join you.
Not too many of those,
we don't like crisps, do we?
High salt content.
We're watching telly!
Well, not too much of that, either.
Looks like someone's getting
stuck into the sherry.Yeah.
THEY LAUGH
Oh.
Nicky, can I tell you something?
Go on.
No.
What's this, Meena?
Oh, nothing.
No, go on, it's rude to whisper.
OK, I was just telling Nicky
that sometimes I hate it here.
No, Meena, you don't,
we've talked about this, remember?
Have some more of this.
I think she's had enough,
she's not as used to it as you are.
It's only sherry.
Still, best not to.
Oh, come on, Matt, loosen up.
Oh!
I've got it.
What're you doing?
That is a table mat!
What now?
You're right. That is a table, Matt.
Right, that's it, we're leaving,
I'll go and start the car.
Silas, Pipps!
'We're just watching something.'
Thanks for coming.
Don't forget your coat.
Bloody hell!
Are you going to be able
to get through that all right?
Yeah, I think so, I mean,
our car can handle most things.
I've never seen so much snow.
I must admit,
even by country standards,
that's one hell of a dump.
You don't normally say that
until Boxing Day.
We won't get through that,
we're stuck here for the night.
Oh, great!
Sleep well?
Not really,
I was worried my eyelids
were going to freeze shut.
How about you?
I had a dream
I was living in an igloo.
What was it like?
Warmer than this.
Anyway
..happy Christmas!
You said we wouldn't.
I know, but I'd already bought
it for you, so, happy day!
Oh, Nicky.
Don't you like it?
I love it! Thank you, it's just
..I did buy you a present,
but it didn't arrive.
Steve, you don't have to pretend.
No, I did, only Shannon
Oh, you got something from the shop,
what was it? A tin of cat food?
No, it was a proper present.
I almost believe you.
Right, I suppose we'd better go
and do a body count,
see if they've survived the night.
Fingers crossed.
Thanks.
Paracetamol?
Yes, please.
I'm hungry, Mummy.
Oh, just have some crisps.
It's no good, I can hardly
see the car, let alone drive it.
I told you,
we're stuck here for the duration.
Is there any sherry?
Oh, it's all finished, Alice.
And we know why.
We've got some fishcakes,
we can have those for lunch.
Ah, the traditional Christmas
fishcake, shall I carve,
or will you?
There's a Cornish pasty.
Anything vegetarian?
It'll have to be a mishmash,
I'm afraid, we've not got a lot in.
Oh, I wonder why.
Oh, yeah, it's because
someone had the bright idea
of not doing Christmas.
All right, Dad, leave it.
Yeah, come on, Ken, it is Christmas.
And what do we say about crisps?
Mummy said we could have them.
I just
Fine. Just no fizzy drinks.
This is the worst Christmas ever.
I agree and I've had 92 of them!
HE WHISTLES:
'WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS'
I should've been
at the bowls club by now.
I wish you were.
Eh?
No, I mean,
because then you wouldn't
be stuck here,
you'd be having a nice time there.
We're just sorry
we ruined everyone's Christmas.
Oh, no.
Well
Father Christmas is coming!
We saw him from the window!
Oh,
they've got wonderful imaginations.
They're hallucinating,
it's what happens when you give them
crisps and fizzy drinks.But he is!
It's Father Christmas on his sledge!
Grizzo?!
Merry Christmas.
I thought you were
going to the Bahamas?
Flight was cancelled,
thanks to the erm, what's it called?
Snow.
Yeah, that's it, yeah.
Anyway, brought a few bits
and pieces with me.
Now, who wants to give me
a hand getting the tree in?
Yay!
How's the nut-roast doing?
Fine, once I stopped you
stuffing it in the turkey.
In fairness,
it does look like stuffing.
I really did get you a present,
you know.
Steve, it's fine.
Well, you certainly saved the day.
Where the heck did you get
all this lot from?
It just turned up yesterday morning,
record label sent it as a thank you.
What's this, Grizzo?
Oh, hey, you are gonna love this!
It's a glitter cannon, we'll set
it off outside after dinner, hey?
Yay!
Turned out all right, hasn't it?
Considering we're not doing
Christmas.
Yeah, it has, hasn't it?
THE DOOR BELL RINGS
Shannon?!
This came after you left, thought
you might want it for Christmas.
Oh, thank you! How did you get here?
Bronson borrowed a tractor.
Borrowed?
Well, technically took,
but I'll give it back, like.
Seeing as it's Christmas.
It's hard to describe
my sound really,
it's a sort of grime-indie crossover
with a bit of drum and bass.
Is it anything like Perry Como?
Er
Oh, Steve, it's gorgeous!
I love it.They don't call me
Mr Christmas for nothing.
Thank you.
Coin, what coin?
Bronson made
our pocket money disappear!
This is the best Christmas ever!
Is he allowed to say that, Steve?
Yes, yes.
Righto.
Gareth says, "Happy Christmas".
IN CHORUS: Happy Christmas, Gareth!
'You what?'
Right, look, as you know
..we weren't going to celebrate
Christmas this year
THEY GRUMBLE
..in any event,
it didn't turn out like that,
thanks to your generosity and
..kindness.
So, from now on, we're going
to celebrate Christmas properly.
Good. Glad to hear it.
I'd like to wish you all
a very happy
Steve, no!
BANG!
Fishcake, anyone?