Best Medicine (2026) s02e07 Episode Script

1
[heroic music playing]
[footsteps thumping]
♪
[men shouting]
[all screaming]
[roar of shouting]
[gunfire popping]
[man] No! No!
[man screaming]
[fighting grunts]
[panting]
♪
[men screaming fiercely]
What in the hell is going on?
- [bell dinging]
- This is ye olde 1777
Battle of Port Wenn
- Please stop yelling.
- [bell ringing]
which we reenact
with as much
accuracy as possible
- [bell dinging]
- depending on who you ask.
There was a famous
Battle of Port Wenn?
It began in the early dawn
- as the morning fog.
- Nope.
- You're the nurse?
- Dr. Reese liked it.
It's tradition, but yeah,
I'd rather shoot a musket.
- [Al groans]
- Oh!
Another innocent lost to battle!
- Pox on the mad monarch!
- [Bert sighs]
Now, you see, this is
what comes from defying the
Yeah, just it's just,
this is our last
Battle of Port Wenn together.
Dad, I'm I'm just going away
to college, okay?
- I'm not dead.
- [groans]
- [Elaine] Oh.
- Dad, I'll be home for holidays.
Plus, we can FaceTime.
- And why do you do this?
- [bell ringing]
To celebrate Port Wenn,
protecting what is ours!
And never giving up
against the British invaders!
What's wrong with a nice plaque?
[bell dinging]
[hum of distant chatter]
- [gunshot popping]
- [Louisa screaming]
[groans] Oh, God!
Ow. Ow!
[screams] Ah, my leg!
[Louisa screaming]
- My leg! Oh, God!
- Are you okay?
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, sorry, Doctor.
No one on the battleground
without a costume.
- Excuse me. I'm her doctor.
- And this isn't real.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, I'm just acting, see?
It isn't real.
And and he's right.
You can't be on the battlefield
without a costume.
- So thank you for your concern.
- All right, come on.
Come on. There we go.
Let's leave this.
- [soldiers screaming]
- Oh.
It's happening. We gotta go.
I I'm just wondering,
why didn't anyone ask me
to be a doctor?
You kidding me?
You say no to everything
we ask you to do for a year.
- Why would we bother?
- Yeah.
And you're rude about it.
- 'Tis true!
- Parker volunteered.
He was excited to be part
of a Port Wenn tradition.
Well, bully for him.
[whimsical music]
[low hum of chatter]
♪
Just drop the five
right in here, sir.
There you go.
Best beer you'll have today.
[Martin] You look ridiculous.
I'm in costume.
What's your excuse?
Since when did you start
making beer?
Oh, every two years, and it's
delicious. You want some?
No, I prefer my beverages
pasteurized, thank you.
Hmm.
[Louisa laughs]
Well, you may
have lost the battle,
but still time to win the war.
- [Parker laughing]
- [Louisa groans theatrically]
Yeah, protect me. Oh, yeah.
[Louisa laughing]
Give
- Fire!
- [cannon rumbling]
[all screaming]
[screaming dramatically]
[screaming]
No!
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
[Mark grunting]
So good, Marky!
[Mark screaming]
[Mark grunting]
[cheering]
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
Today's Battle of Port Wenn ends
as the Crown wins!
- [crowd booing]
- [bell ringing]
Return tomorrow for part two,
when we wreak our revenge!
[cheering]
[bell dinging]
And don't forget
to come to the Salty Breeze
for a 1777 lunch,
for only $17.77!
- [bell dinging]
- [scattered applause]
[low hum of chatter]
I I thank you.
[Louisa and Parker chuckling]
[Parker] Shall we?
[laughs] Come on.
[both chuckling]
[tense music]
[groans]
[breathing shakily]
What's what's happening to me?
[panting]
[theme music]
[gentle music]
Hmm. Tremor cleared up
on its own.
Huzzah, then I am relieved
of me brief malady
and ready for me barking iron,
which, by the way, is Flintlock
Smoothbore, approved.
- He's a stitch counter, Doc.
- A what?
A reenactment
authenticity expert.
Each outfit be hand-sewn
with the same number of stitches
as be then.
- I actually can't with this one.
- Me, either. Mm-hmm.
No, oh. There's
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down there, Ned.
Your vitals are good.
But I don't know
what caused that tremor.
Oh, the horrors of war
do wear mightily upon me
mortal frame.
Well, that might be true,
but ye oldie Ned is not at war,
so show me your arm, so I can
take some blood for your labs.
There be no such labs
in me day, Doc.
My office, my century.
[suspenseful music]
[Martin sighs]
Just There we go.
All right, and it's in.
- Ow!
- [Elaine] Outstanding.
- There we go. Yeah.
- [Elaine] Great.
Just like that.
Yep.
Now, as your authentic doctor,
if the tremor returns,
I want you to come right back.
But in the meantime, I want you
to stay home and rest.
Nay, I I shall just keep
fortifying meself
with your aunt's beer,
- and buttered hardtack.
- With what?
It's what they called
the bread back then.
Glad you got so into it.
It's fun, right?
Who would have thought
that being a British doctor
pretending to be a British
doctor could be so enjoyable?
Well, see you
at the Salty Breeze, Doc!
I'm not going
to the Salty Breeze.
See you there, old chap.
[Elaine clears throat]
[door latch clicks]
Tremor resolved.
I'm thinking
excitement, adrenaline.
But the blood tests
will rule out metabolic causes.
Which I noticed
you drew with no problem.
Yes, my cognitive behavioral
exercises have been working.
I knew they would eventually.
You know, if things
continue as they are,
I shall be giving you
a jolly good review
with the old medical board.
Please stop with
the "jolly". Wait.
- Really?
- Yes.
And your former monitor, Renee,
will be giving
- a very positive review, too.
- Hmm!
But don't tell anyone
I said that.
Mm-mm. Oh, that's
oh, that's good news.
Yes, you may soon be back
to practicing unmonitored.
- So, you'll be leaving?
- Uh, I don't think so.
I might be
sticking around a while.
Cheerio.
[tense music]
- [fiddle music playing]
- [crowd clapping to the beat]
[crowd cheering]
[fiddle playing "Yankee Doodle"]
Oh, hello.
- [woman chuckles]
- Hi.
Can we please get
Old Man Collins a fork?
- Salt pork with a spoon.
- No, no. Have to be authentic.
- That's the rules.
- At his age, take some pity.
If we give him a fork,
we have to give everyone a fork.
[Judith groans]
[gasps] Thank you. [chuckles]
[Louisa and Parker laughing]
Excuse me, I was wondering, uh,
what do you call this,
what you're wearing?
Uh, well, it's a dress,
so I call this a dress.
- Oh, I see. Lovely.
- Mm-hmm.
What do you call
what you're wearing?
Oh, these are my pajamas.
- [laughing uproariously]
- I was just wondering
if you would care
to join me for dinner later?
- Just you and me and your dress?
- Well, that depends.
I mean, will it be you
or pretend doctor you?
Oh, whichever you prefer,
- milady.
- Oh! Well, I prefer
[Louisa giggles]
You okay, my love?
[Mark sighs]
That's what I'm trying
to figure out.
I knew we'd both
eventually move on, but
Just really wanted it
to be you first.
[laughs] Mom!
What? All's fair
in love and war.
[Mark] No, no.
I want her to be happy.
We're buds now,
but, like,
they barely know each other.
- Who is this guy, you know?
- He's nobody, baby.
Nobody.
[clicking]
[whimsical music]
[playing "Turkey in the Straw"]
[low hum of excited chatter]
[Al sighs]
I'm kind of worried
about your dad.
Yeah, me too. I mean,
it's really starting
to hit me now about
- how he's gonna be
- All alone, once we go?
For 20 years, just me and him,
and now he's gonna be
eating dinner all alone
for the rest of his life.
Wait!
What if we find someone for him?
Like a girlfriend,
situationship, whatever.
This weekend there's lots
of fresh meat
- here from Bar Harbor.
- Oh, come on, Elaine,
- you can't say that.
- I'm a girl,
I can literally
say whatever I want.
But fine, yes,
there are lots of intelligent,
independent young women here
from Bar Harbor.
You really think?
What?
[both laughing]
[clattering]
♪
[lively hum of chatter]
[dancers cheering]
[Louisa laughing]
Oh! It is fun.
[Louisa laughing]
So that's it, huh?
She's not worth fighting for?
What would you like me to do?
Challenge him to a duel?
No.
Just tell her how you feel
while you still have the chance.
[Martin sighs]
Hello. Are you here
for your haddock?
- [Louisa laughs]
- Oh, uh, um
It's, uh, salt pork
or salt pork today, I'm afraid.
Well, then pass, and pass.
Oh, come on, Martin, you gotta
get in the spirit of things.
- Are you really lecturing me?
- Oh, oh!
- Oh!
- Rule, Britannia ♪
- Britannia, rule the waves ♪
- If you change your mind.
[Louisa laughing]
["Rule, Britannia" by
James Thomson and Thomas Arne]
[Louisa chuckling]
[Louisa laughing]
[dancers cheering]
Oh, hey, Doc, Doc, Doc.
Could you write me a refill
for my migraine medication?
I almost didn't make the battle
today because of my headache.
The trigger for migraines
is loud noises.
Maybe being on a battlefield
and in a loud restaurant
isn't the best idea.
Well, then maybe
you shouldn't be yelling at me!
- [Franklin] Scoundrel!
- [all gasping]
[crowd grunting and shouting]
Imbecile! Moron!
Oh, no, no! Oh! Ah! [panting]
- Ned, are you all right?
- Are you okay?
[Ned] I think
you're taking this war thing
a bit too seriously, Franklin!
[Franklin screaming]
[all screaming, gasping]
[intriguing music]
What are you doing? Let me go!
I didn't wanna cuff you,
but, like
I demand my freedom!
Sorry, Franklin,
you're still acting aggro.
This isn't like you.
Seems to me like
someone had one too many beers.
- I was talking to him!
- Let Franklin speak.
- What made you lunge at Ned?
- [Franklin] I don't know.
I just looked at him,
and suddenly, I wanted
to punch his stupid face.
Yep. Sounds like
a pub brawl to me.
Now, Franklin,
how much did you have to drink?
- I had one of Sarah's beers.
- One beer wouldn't cause this.
Uh, what's going on
with your hands?
What's this?
Oh, you're the second one
with tremors today.
Common effect
of alcohol withdrawal.
- These men are not alcoholics.
- I am not an alcoholic!
Aunt Sarah's beers
are home-brewed.
Okay, now, it's a long shot,
but they can become severely
toxic if not brewed right,
which can lead to aggressive
behavior and tremors.
Yeah, you go, Doc!
Well, I need to check
with Aunt Sarah.
Or these men
just drink too much.
Franklin,
I will figure this out.
You need to go home and rest.
We'll take you home
on the way to Sarah's, okay?
[whimsical music]
Mark.
Ooh!
[sighs]
So! [chuckles]
Things seem to be
going really well
with our tall, charming British
doctor with the great hair.
- Hmm. I guess.
- What do you mean, you guess?
Well, it's going so well that
I took him out
looking for houses.
- He's looking for a house here.
- What?
- [Greg] Oh. Uh-huh.
- [George laughs]
You don't know how hard
that was for me to keep secret.
- This whole week.
- What?
We went looking for houses.
You know the cottage
on Maidstone?
- Oh, that one's adorable.
- We looked at that.
And the haunted one
by the docks.
- Ew.
- Oh, I put a stop to that.
Okay, wait, wait.
He wants to buy a house, here?
- Yes!
- Yes!
[all screaming]
- Yay!
- You're so cute,
and he's so cute!
Bert! Hello!
Imagine running into you here.
I just saw you ten minutes ago.
Right. Okay. So listen, Bert.
Nancy, Nancy, Bert!
Do you know what is so funny,
is you guys weirdly have
so much in common.
You both live in houses.
Oh, yes, you both eat
at the Salty Breeze.
You're both a part
of the Battle of Port Wenn.
Oh. [chuckles]
I'm playing a Redcoat this year.
- Are you one of the widows?
- Well, yes, I am.
And you know what's crazy is
that Nancy is actually a widow
in real life as well,
which means she is without
male companionship at this time.
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Oh, thank you.
But it's easier the second time.
It is easier the second time.
The second time?
Well, my second husband, Edgar,
he also passed away.
Oh, how did he
He died
in a freak boat accident.
And Lionel, my first,
fell off a mountain.
And technically,
I don't count my third husband
- anymore at all.
- Your third husband?
[Nancy] Well, there was
no cause of death. [chuckles]
His body was never found.
I mean, that's such
a terrible string of bad luck.
No.
No, no, you're not interested.
No, sorry. Bye.
Bye, black widow.
Bye. That's Nope. Nope.
Hey, Nancy, don't ever talk
to my dad again, okay?
- Okay.
- [Nancy stammers]
[horse neighs]
Aunt Sarah,
why is there a horse out there?
How else would one get
from place to place, pray tell?
- He's a stitch counter.
- [Martin] I heard.
- Ned, you can't take that beer.
- I must.
We need, including you,
Sergeant Major Mylow, beer
to wash down the hardtack as
we camp overnight in the field,
preparing for the morrow
when we reclaim Port Wenn.
Reclaim we must, Sergeant Major.
But we are worried
that the beer might be bad.
Excuse me?
Beer is the lifeblood of battle,
because there be
no clean drinking water.
'Tis the water of the streams
that be bad.
I can't with this guy.
Look, first you had a tremor,
and then Franklin got
strangely aggressive with you,
and he also had a tremor.
Homemade beer can cause that
if it's a bad batch.
I have never made
a bad batch of beer
in me life.
Don't you start
with the mes, Aunt Sarah.
Fine, go ahead.
Just test them. Test them all.
Oh, hey, Ned, buddy,
you don't look so good.
[Ned groaning]
What's he got, Doc?
Tachycardia. His heart's racing.
Did you just have
some of her beer?
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wait. Whoa, whoa.
- Oh, Mark!
[gentle music playing]
Your EKG shows cardiac toxicity,
possibly from bad alcohol,
which can be dangerous
if not treated.
- What was the pill I just took?
- Diltiazem.
Slows down
the heart rate immediately.
Now, between the tremors
and the tachycardia,
you need to go to Bar Harbor
for more tests.
Well, I'm, uh,
feeling me old self again.
Uh, thanks, Doctor.
And ready for tonight's camping.
Ned, no camping.
Oh, Doctor, I shall
not sit meself in an ER,
whatever a thing that might be,
and miss my favorite part.
Oh, you mean the part
where you don't listen
to your doctor and get sicker?
Fare thee well.
I cannot keep my horse waiting.
[laughs]
[patient muttering]
- [neighs]
- Ned!
- Don't drink and ride!
- Hey, Doc.
This doc's checking out
my banged elbow.
- Ah, you were busy, so.
- Clyde, in my office.
- Your job is to observe, yes?
- He needed help, and I was here.
No. I'm here.
Right. Well, I was
just right here.
I'm their doctor,
and you're the monitor.
Are we clear?
[whimsical music playing]
- Just going to take his head.
- That's when they should
- Cut it off.
- Okay.
What's going on?
Are you two trying to set me up
or something like that?
- No. That
- What? No.
- We? Of course not. That's no.
- What are you talking about?
Yes, Dad, yes,
we just want you to be happy.
And we don't want you
to be alone after we leave.
I am happy. And I'm fine.
You almost cried
on the battlefield today.
It's just a bit of nostalgia,
that's all.
Look, I don't need
my kid fixing me up.
It's embarrassing.
Okay, you know what, Bert?
We get it. We do.
We we won't do
any more setups or meddling.
- Hmm?
- We promise.
Okay, then.
- I have another idea.
- What?
Hey.
How's Ned? Is he okay?
Going camping
despite doctor's orders,
but yes, he seems all right.
I'll be there
to keep an eye on him, Doc.
I'm Sergeant Major.
And I'm the doctor
no one listens to.
Where's the other one?
Probably at the Salty Breeze
with Louisa.
I'm good, though.
- Was it my beer?
- I don't know yet.
Well, so many people drank it,
everybody would be sick.
Yeah, she's got
a point there, Doc.
Like, I do wish them
the best, though.
Everyone reacts differently.
I sent the sample to the lab,
but it takes a week.
Well, I've been making my beer
the same way for 20 years.
Spruce needles, water. What?
You definitely got your needles
from a spruce, not a yew?
- A me?
- A yew.
A you who?
A yew who. A me yew. A you yew.
A yew tree looks like a spruce,
but it's toxic,
and it can cause severe illness.
Well, I think it's a spruce.
I mean, I'm assu
Well, it's there's
a couple of trees back there.
- Like where?
- In my backyard.
Why don't we go take a look,
just to be safe?
Me, you, and you.
Go look for a yew.
[Mark laughs]
[Martin] Okay.
[door clicks open]
Hey.
Give me a sandwich and a beer.
And Al told me there was
free apple pie tonight.
Thanks.
Oh. Hey, pal, what's up?
So I guess you know
why I'm here.
- What? No, I
- We're being set up.
You and me.
Set up? You and me?
Set up, set up?
What?
Did Al and Elaine do this?
They thought you were lonely.
And I'm lonely too.
Al and Elaine said
you might
want a new fishing buddy.
Oh. Fishing.
Because I thought they were
You thought
they were setting us up?
No, I mean
I don't know.
I've never been with a man.
Well, neither have I.
You know, whatever,
but I don't care.
I guess I was kind of in love
with Brian Boitano.
The ice skater.
On TV.
But only on TV.
Well, he was a hell of a skater.
[mellow music playing]
[Parker] What a day.
A war, no more salt pork,
that dress.
What else could a military
man ask for?
Long and lasting peace?
- Dress is way better.
- Well, okay
Listen, there's
something I've been
meaning to talk to you about.
Just something
I've been looking into.
George and Greg told me
that you're looking into
buying a home here.
It was so hard to pretend
I didn't know. Sorry.
They told you?
You really can't trust
either of them.
- No.
- Are you mad?
No.
Small town life.
No boundaries or privacy.
- I love it.
- I do too, yay.
And I know it's been fast,
but I just
- I love it here.
- I love that you love it here.
And you.
No. I love it here too.
No. I
I love you, too.
Oh
Really?
This is the best dinner ever.
They call it French onion,
but you know that the cheese
Look, stop it.
You two said
you were gonna stop.
I don't need a girlfriend.
I don't need a friend friend.
- I'm fine.
- [Elaine] I'm sorry.
It's just the thought
of you all alone,
making your own meals
in that sad bathrobe.
Wait, who said
my bathrobe was sad?
It's not Just, the point is,
we don't want you to be sad.
I can handle sad. I've been sad.
But you two, you need to start
thinking about yourselves now.
You're about to leave Port Wenn,
the only home you've ever known,
the loving village
that raised you.
You must be
having some feelings.
No.
I think that we're feeling
totally fine, right?
Al?
Yeah. Yeah.
[clears throat]
I'm not having feelings.
Are you having feelings?
No. No. We can't wait
to get out of here.
And, sure,
everyone here knows us
and loves us, and it's, um
It's so predictable.
It's the same thing day in,
day out,
but in New York, we have no idea
what could happen to us.
Like, at all. Which is
which is amazing.
- So amazing. That's amazing.
- We're really excited.
We're really excited.
We're not gonna miss it here.
- At all.
- Mm-mm.
Amazing.
Mmm. I never looked
for this tree in the dark.
Is this it?
Night vision does decline
in the later years.
So does patience.
Shut your trap.
I have to confess,
I don't like giving Parker
the cold shoulder, but, like,
how long has he known her?
A few weeks?
What do we even
know about him, anyway?
It stings, you know?
You might understand
what I'm talking about, Martin,
- since you kissed Louisa once
- No, I don't understand.
I'm happy for her,
and I wish them the best.
Whoa. Wish I could be
more like you, Doc.
You mean more of a liar?
She's with someone
else now, right?
I think it's time for us, you,
to accept it and move on.
- Great advice from a great man.
- This is the tree.
Sharp, stiff needles
that roll between the fingers.
Yes, it's a spruce.
- Can I go home?
- And go camping now.
- Well, back to square one.
- [phone buzzing]
Maybe Ned and Franklin's
symptoms are unrelated.
Hey, Ned. Hey.
Yeah, I'm on my way.
Yeah, I'll bring blankets.
Yeah, I'll be there soon.
Must be chilly
at the campground.
Some of them got frostbite.
- Wait, frostbite?
- Yeah.
It's not nearly cold enough
for that.
Call Ned back
on his ye old-timey smartphone.
[line ringing]
Hey, dude.
Hey, Doc wants to see
the frostbite.
Aim your camera at it.
Hey, Doc,
there's something weird
going on with our fingers.
[woman]
It's scurvy, isn't it? Or gangrene?
It is nasty!
Do your fingers hurt?
Yeah, but it's fine.
It's just a little tingly.
It's sort of numb.
Can we get back
into the woods now?
- No.
- But we have to.
I'm about to skin
a squirrel and eat it.
Aye, soldier, squirrel meat
is the best meat on the earth.
- Stop, stop.
- Ned, you're so annoying.
What do they got, Doc,
other than weird-looking hands?
It's too warm for frostbite.
It's not an infection,
'cause no one has a fever.
Appears to be toxin exposure.
You all need to go to Bar Harbor
to get checked out.
What? No, no, no, no, we can't.
I have to be there to die.
- We'll go after.
- Okay, fine.
Let all your fingers
fall off in battle.
- What do I care?
- Great.
Mm-hmm.
Wait.
What is that smell?
Well, we haven't bathed
in a couple days.
As was done back in the day.
- Ned, seriously.
- Enough, please.
It's once every two years.
You can't give me a break
That's disgusting
and unsanitary,
but that's not what I smell.
Are these costumes
stored in mothballs?
Yes. I make sure they stay
in perfect condition.
Mothballs have naphthalene,
which could cause
every symptom I've seen.
Now, if you don't want to go
to Bar Harbor,
you should take these clothes
off as soon as possible.
What are you Not here!
When you get home.
Okay.
And all of you,
please take a shower.
To wash off the toxins?
No, because you stink.
- You right, then?
- Hmm?
You just Oh.
Any thoughts on the four campers
with white fingers?
Yes, they need
a more sanitary hobby.
See? It's predictable.
Someone comes in
and the doc is cranky,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, also, Doc,
we need to hire my replacement,
because for what you're paying,
it's gonna be
very hard to find someone
as good as me.
Is it, though?
Or do I just throw a dime
in the air and see who it hits?
Oh, shocker,
barb from the doc. Snore.
Honestly, Parker, I don't know
why you would even want to
buy a house here.
- What?
- Wow.
Word does travel fast
around here.
Well, it's true.
I've fallen in love
with the place.
Oh, yeah.
- Good for you.
- Thank you.
- Very good for you.
- Thank you.
That's great news.
I'm on a mothball mission.
Doc's on a mission.
What's gonna happen?
I don't care.
Happy to come with
if you need any help.
- He's gonna say no.
- [Martin] No!
I dislocated my pinky
with the blacksmith tools
I had to set up.
- Where did Doc go?
- Good grief.
Let me have a look at it.
Right. Yes, I think
I can probably help with that.
Come with me.
Now, which tool were you using,
and where did you use it?
[bell ringing]
Hear ye, hear ye!
The battle is nigh!
All Port Wennians
are called to the battlefield
to seal our destiny
by reclaiming our land!
[re-enactors shouting]
Mark.
No one crosses this line
'til Doc says it's safe.
Let us soldiers
have our uniforms!
Let the Doc be the Doc.
What if he says
we can't use them?
Port Wenn battle weekend
isn't about costumes, y'all.
It's about spirit.
And costumes.
Five mothballs aren't enough
to get anyone sick.
It's not the costumes.
Okay. Everyone may now
get bedecked.
Hey, Parker.
Mark. I'm gonna need
a couple of hats.
Hey. Just want you to know
that even though I love Louisa
and she broke my heart,
today is today.
Not yesterday.
Or the day before yesterday.
Or the day before
that yesterday.
I think I got the timeline
If you're the guy for her,
then I fare thee well and stuff.
- Thanks, Mark.
- All right.
All right, all right, all right.
- All right, cheers.
- Yeah, cheers, mate.
- [Parker] Yeah.
- Hey, Doc.
Thanks for fixing my hand.
I'm ready to shoe the cavalry.
What what do you mean,
fixing your hand?
Oh, you just left and it seemed
like an emergency, so
Stop stealing my patients.
Steal your
Don't be ridiculous.
What do you think?
No, no, no. No,
this is this is my hat.
Did you did you
Oh. Perfect.
[Elaine] Here we go.
Our last Port Wenn battle.
Yeah, can you imagine anyone
in New York doing this ever?
- [Elaine] No. So corny.
- Hi.
Wait, Doc,
what are you still doing here?
You hate this whole thing,
and you don't want to
be a part of it.
I think I do want to be
a part of it.
Did someone hit you on the head
with an anvil?
- Why?
- The Battle of Port Wenn calls.
- You have to wear a costume.
- I am aware.
Wow.
Wouldn't have predicted this.
I'll go get it.
Ten minutes
'til we go to the field.
Ten minutes.
I don't get a hat?
You're complaining
because you want a hat
in the fake Revolutionary War?
[Martin] Mm-hmm.
[Elaine]
Who are you?
[mellow music playing]
[Martin clearing his throat]
Forgot my box thingy.
You're doing this?
I am the town doctor.
Known for sneering
at every one of its events.
- Are you after my job?
- Excuse me?
Is that why
you're giving me a good review?
To get me out of Port Wenn?
Would that be so bad?
All you do is complain
about this place
and the people in it.
You think you know me
and what I want?
I have a strong suspicion, yes.
But instead, you can go back
to Boston and be a surgeon,
especially now that that pesky
phobia of yours is clearing up.
Do you really think I'm gonna
let you take everything I have?
- Including Louisa?
- Louisa? What? No!
I hate to tell you, mate,
but she's not yours,
however much you wish it so.
You need to back off.
And you need to tread carefully.
My giving you a bad review
would be much worse,
wouldn't it?
What?
Well, think about it.
You'd have
your license suspended,
and you'd be unable
to practice medicine.
- Anywhere.
- Are you threatening me?
- Just laying out your options.
- Mm.
You know why
I didn't remember you
when you were a student of mine?
- Hmm?
- Mm-mm?
Because you were unmemorable.
Mediocre.
Best you can hope for
is a weak imitation of me.
[marching music playing]
[Mark] [indistinct]
[indistinct]
Left, right, left, right, left.
Left! Left!
Martin? You're
you're participating?
- Mm-hmm.
- But
That's a that's amazing. Come.
Parker's not the man
you think he is.
What?
He's not this,
"Oh, shucks,
I have 12 sisters" nice guy.
He's after my job,
and apparently my whole life.
What do you mean,
your whole life?
He threatened me.
He's trying to run me out
of town, Louisa.
What are you doing, Martin?
What is this?
- Are you jealous?
- No, I
Because I need someone
who isn't scared
and and whose heart
is open and available.
Yeah, but you need to see
what's underneath.
How do you know what I need?
Okay, look,
I'm just trying to protect
Trying to what?
Trying to ruin everything?
No.
You should be
with someone with integrity.
- And he is not
- Stop it, stop it.
I don't want to hear it,
and I don't believe you.
What are you doing out here
with the migraines, Susan?
It went away. No thanks to you.
- Did you take more meds?
- I didn't take anything.
- Really? It just went away?
- Yeah. It was a first.
You been eating a lot of that?
Geneva's bread? Yeah. I love it.
How much bread have you eaten
in the last day?
The hardtack is good,
so, um, plenty.
[man]
Shoulder your firelock!
Charge your bayonets!
[re-enactors exclaim]
Stop. How much bread
have you eaten in the last day?
I didn't love the pork,
so a lot.
How much bread have you eaten
in the last day?
[muffled] What he said.
[man] Left face!
May I have a word?
What did you just say to Martin?
Did you just threaten him?
[chuckles] What?
Why would I do that?
I I don't know.
What did you say?
Uh, it was nothing.
I would like an answer.
[Parker]
It doesn't matter.
It does. He's a friend.
Well, your friend is arrogant,
pompous, and rude.
Did you threaten him?
I made him
a very generous offer.
I write him a good review,
he gets to go back to Boston,
we both win.
I'm sorry, win?
Yes. He leaves,
and I get to have a job
and a life here with you.
Isn't that what we want?
[Dumb Dumb grunting]
Ooh! Ah!
What the
Are you all right?
I'm the doctor of Port Wenn,
the real doctor. Now, move!
And you don't get to tell me
what to do, so you move.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You move!
- Can one of you help me here?
You are completely mad.
I'm trying to help.
Help? By forcing me to leave?
Yes. And by saving your license.
[Elaine]
Doc. What's going on?
If I don't make it,
tell your mother I love her.
Just be quiet.
Do not
talk to Dumb Dumb that way.
Yeah, only
I can talk to him like that.
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
[Elaine] Stop it, don't!
Why are you being insane?
Parker, Parker, wait, stop!
You have especially
lost your mind.
You really want this lunatic
in Port Wenn?
Why don't you just pipe down?
[exclaims]
That was awesome.
I never liked him.
- Is everybody okay?
- Yeah.
The bread. Oh.
The bread?
Oh, hey!
Doc, what are you doing?
May I cut you a slice, Martin?
That's Ergot.
- Ew.
- Er what?
Uh, it's a parasitic fungus
found in grain.
The people who ate these loaves
have ergot poisoning.
My bread has parasites?
No, but your flour did,
but there was no way
for you to know, Geneva.
Excuse me.
Everyone, listen up.
This bread
could give you ergot poisoning.
It explains all the problems
everyone's been having,
including Phillip's ankle drop.
All of that from my bread?
Yes, but, Geneva,
also in small doses,
- it's therapeutic for migraines.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and it's the basis
for migraine medications.
Just ask Susan.
The funky bread
cured my migraine?
Mm-hmm. Tell her.
I, uh, I apologize, Port Wenn.
- [Geneva sobbing]
- Aw.
It was the bread.
Anyone who has symptoms,
come to my office,
I'll give you nitroglycerin.
Phillip, we also need to get
you to my office.
Let's go. Easy. Easy.
Every other year,
Battle of Port Wenn,
Part Two begins!
[re-enactors cheering]
[re-enactors exclaiming]
Come on!
Everyone's getting it today.
[Mark grunting]
Oh.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
You are so talented,
Marky Mylow! [whoops]
The Battle of Port Wenn
Part Two ends
as Port Wenn vanquishes
the British invaders!
Martin! Martin!
- Martin!
- Louisa, Louisa, get her.
Yeah, I'll be right here.
Martin.
Thank you for saving everyone.
And you were right
about Parker. I'm
I'm I'm so I'm sorry.
I just want
what's best for you, Louisa.
Whoever you choose.
It just can't be him. Okay?
Because he's not good enough
for you.
- Whoever I choose.
- Mm-hmm.
Just tell me, Martin.
Just tell me.
What do you want?
You want to know what I want?
[barking]
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Give fire!
- [cannon fires]
- [fireworks popping]
- [Louisa laughing]
That's surprising.
I'm really gonna miss
this place.
[folk music playing]