Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e07 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back ♪
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailing man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day ♪
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
the weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire ♪
and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Skipper!
Skipper!
Professor, I saw a ship!
Where is everybody?
Skipper, professor, I saw a ship!
Who's that, gilligan?
What's he yelling about now?
I don't know, professor.
Something about he saw a ship, or
saw a ship?
Gilligan saw a ship, professor!
Gilligan saw a ship!
Gilligan: Come on.
Come over here. Look.
Where is it, gilligan? Where?
It's right out there. I saw it plain as day.
Out where, gilligan? I don't see anything.
You're not looking in the right place.
Look a little more over there, see?
How big was it?
How many people were on it?
There was nobody on it.
It's an abandoned ship.
Abandoned?
Gilligan, where exactly
did you see this ship?
Well, you see, it's right out there.
You look over to the left,
and now straight down.
Straight down?
Gilligan, you mean
you saw a sunken ship?
Oh, gilligan.
Well now, listen, gilligan.
How far down was she?
I mean, how many feet?
Oh, professor, in Navy circles,
we don't say feet, we say fathoms.
Alright, how many fathoms?
I don't know. About 15 feet.
Skipper, if she's not too badly damaged,
we might be able to raise her.
Sure, and sail her back to the mainland!
It oughta be real easy.
She only has a hole
in her the size of a 10-pound rutabaga.
A 10-pound what?
It's kinda like a turnip, skipper.
You slice it up and
put onions and butter
oh, never mind.
My aunt Martha could take a rutabaga
gilligan, we're not here
to hear about a recipe.
For goodness sakes,
we gotta check out this hull.
Yes, gilligan. Your discovery
of this submerged vessel
may well be instrumental
in securing for us
deliverance from our enforced isolation.
Yeah, not only that
what'd he say?
Good thing the water's so clear.
It makes the job of
salvaging that much easier.
He's coming up.
Well, skipper, what do you think?
That gilligan's right, professor.
There's a big hole in the port side,
but the starboard side
is the bigger problem.
What's that?
Well, there isn't any starboard side.
Oh, dear. Well, that makes salvaging
out of the question.
I'm afraid so.
But while I was down there,
I looked into the hold.
There's a couple of big boxes
that maybe we can salvage.
Well, let's get 'em up, skipper.
There might be something good in there,
like, you know, TV, radio, comic books.
Professor, isn't there something
you can do with this guy?
Oh, please, fellas. You know,
there just may be something
in those boxes we can use to help
get ourselves off this island.
We'll start salvaging
operations in the morning.
You've done a wonderful
job, skipper. Come on.
Up in the raft.
Thanks, professor.
Well, gilligan, give me a hand.
I think I'm gonna need
a little help, professor.
Alright. I'll take the back.
Gilligan, you take the front.
Right.
Skipper, could you kind of
push your chest back into position.
My chest?
This part of it.
Very funny.
Well, you are a little overweight, skipper.
I'm not overweight.
I just have big bones.
And they're covered with big meat.
Gilligan.
Oh, it's no use.
I couldn't get into this suit, either.
I can!
I don't think we have any choice.
I think you're right. Skipper, take it off.
We'll put it onto gilligan.
Oh, it's just as fat going down
as it was coming up.
[Grunts]
Now remember, ladies.
Each of you has a job to do.
Mary Ann, you'll do the
pumping that generates the air.
Right.
Ginger, keep your eye on the airlines.
Make sure they don't get tangled.
Right.
And Mrs. Howell right.
I didn't say anything yet.
Come on, skipper.
No, gilligan.
Oh, come on.
Gilligan, I've changed my mind.
Ah, you're being silly.
Gilligan, no! And that's final!
Hey, professor, see
what you can do, huh?
Skipper, we've gotta do this
at the warmest part of the day,
and that's right now. Now come on.
Oh, alright.
If anybody laughs, I'm gonna quit.
Now, skipper, this is a very
important task we're undertaking,
and you're gonna need
those longies for warmth.
Don't forget, it's cold down there,
and keep your flap closed.
You keep your flap closed, gilligan,
or I'll close it for you.
Don't look, Mary Ann.
Hello, ladies.
Mr. Howell. Yes.
You take one airline,
and I'll take the other.
Roger.
Mr. Howell, that's air force talk, not Navy.
Talk to me about Navy.
I'm more at home on a boat
than anyone else.
Well, I think I'll go aft.
Aah!
I've been scuttled!
If you're not getting a steady flow of air,
I want you to surface.
You can count on that, professor.
The girls are willing
and ready to go, professor.
Alright, Mary Ann! Start pumping!
Start pumping, Mary Ann.
Now I want you to test
your airline, gilligan.
Here, skipper.
Comes in the back of your suit
and goes to your mouthpiece.
See if you're getting air.
Good.
Alright. Submerge.
Now, Mr. Howell,
you keep your eye on gilligan's airline.
Yeah, I'll give it my undivided attention.
I just hope we finish before cocktail time.
Just make sure that line
doesn't get tangled.
I've had a lot of experience
in scuba diving in my pool.
Must be a very large pool.
Large? Last year we had
a hurricane. Em, of course.
Couple of Japanese fishermen,
and the salmon were
at the diving board to spawn.
Gilligan: Help!
Gilligan! Good heavens!
This is no time for pranks!
Help!
Help!
There must be a leak in the airline.
Wait a minute!
I know how to remedy
this, professor! Hold on!
Never mind that, gilligan.
Go over and help the girls.
Howell: Let's go over here. Skipper.
You're getting it.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
A crate full of crazy costumes!
Look!
Oh, isn't this the end!
Look, a camera!
It's a motion picture camera.
And here's some film to go
with that camera, professor.
Oh, look, there's a name on the side.
"South sea film productions."
South sea film productions.
Wasn't that the company
formed by Fifi lafrance,
the famous movie vamp?
Yes, with her husband,
Ricardo laughing well.
A handsome chap with a mustache.
Ricardo, I mean, though
Fifi had a bit of a one herself.
It all comes back to me now.
Fifi and Ricardo were married
and sailed away on their honeymoon
to make a picture together.
Oh, it was so romantic.
Not a bad tax dodge, either.
Well, it must be
their old abandoned yacht,
and this is silent picture equipment.
I just love those old silent pictures
and those marvelous silent picture stars.
Oh, look, darling. There's theda bara.
And there's little Mary pickford.
And Rudolph Valentino.
Oh, hey, hey.
Ooh!
Hey, skipper, we can have
some fun with these costumes.
Certainly we can have fun, gilligan,
but we're not here for fun.
We're here to get off the island.
It's just too bad we couldn't have
found something we could use.
Well, perhaps we have, skipper.
Huh?
Listen, I have an idea how
we can use this equipment
to get ourselves rescued.
Rescued? Yes. Now listen,
if you'll all gather round.
Let me try to explain this.
Howell: Watch your
makeup. Don't get it wet.
Very important.
A dry makeup is a good makeup.
That's it! Splendid!
Splendid job of acting, skipper.
Professor: Keep your
face more toward camera.
I don't think this is gonna
help us get rescued at all.
Leave the thinking to
Cecil b. Howell, will you?
I told you, skipper. This movie will show
how we got shipwrecked on the island.
We'll put the film on a raft,
and when people find it,
they'll see us stranded here on
the island, and they'll send help!
We'll release it as a feature.
We'll all make millions.
It'll work, skipper. Believe me, it will.
Well, I hope so, because
this acting business
is really exhausting.
Well, if you're tired,
why don't you put me down?
Alright, gilligan. I'll put you down.
Gilligan: Whoa!
Howell: That's not in the script!
Now, remember, gilligan.
While the professor's
emoting on the silver screen,
you are the cameraman.
Right. Any time you're ready, c.B.
Eyes and ears of the world,
you understand?
Now, in this scene, ginger,
the professor has told you
about his plan to make the movie
so we can all be rescued from the island,
and you show gratitude.
You understand, girl?
Yes. Don't forget to photograph me
from the left, gilligan.
Right I mean left.
That's right. Left, right?
Howell: Gilligan, will
you stop the marching?
Will you please make your entrance
from the hibiscus bush,
and, professor I mean,
any time you're ready, rock, baby.
Rock baby?
Show-biz talk. Understand, pussycat?
Ha ha. Ready over there?
Quiet! Quiet up there, you birds!
Lights, action, camera.
Action!
Oh, there you are, professor.
Stop! Cut!
Cut, cut!
Son, you look so stupid!
Can't you just stand up?
You do it every day of your life.
But Mr. Howell, the chair
you are not playing
the scene with a chair.
You're playing a scene with
ginger. Do you understand?
Yes, yes.
I know you do. Alright,
back in the bushes, my dear.
Remember the signal.
Okay, let's have some action.
From the top, as we say.
Camera.
Action!
Oh, there you are, professor.
Ginger!
Oh, professor, you're a genius.
I do have a rather high I.Q.
This whole rescue plan was your idea.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
There must be some way
I can thank you.
No thanks are necessary.
But there must be some way I can.
Well, if you insist,
the customary way will do.
Cut!
Cut.
Son, you don't show gratitude
on the silver screen by shaking hands.
You you give a kiss,
do you understand?
Oh. A real, real kiss.
Oh. Alright, now, pick it up 2 lines
before the gratitude shtick.
But there must be hey!
Wait till the director says action.
Yes, sir.
Quiet up there, birds.
Alright.
Alright. Quiet up there.
Action!
But there must be some
way I can thank you.
Well, if you insist.
The customary way will do.
Cut!
What is the matter now?
Turning your stupid head,
don't you understand?
Well, kissing on the mouth
is far from sanitary.
It can lead to all sorts
of bacterial transfer.
Certainly make a kiss sound
romantic like germ warfare!
Will you forget the science, professor,
and give her a real kiss.
Alright, now, pick it up once again
from the gratitude shtick. 2 lines before.
But there must be
ginger!
Mustn't talk before I say action.
Sorry. I know.
Quiet up there, you birds. Ready?
Action!
But there must be some
way I can thank you.
Well, if you insist.
Wow, that sure is some kiss.
It's a doozy.
Gilligan, why aren't
you working the camera?
No germ could live through that kiss!
They're gonna break
the world kissing record.
World kissing record?
Yeah, held by skinny mulligan
and Florence Oppenheimer.
6 hours, 12 minutes, and 13 seconds.
Well, how could anyone
possibly kiss that long?
Oh, it's easy. They were chewing
bubblegum and their braces locked.
Now in this scene,
Mary Ann, I want to show
the everyday dangers that
we face here on the island.
Are you ready?
Oh, right, Mr. Howell.
I come down the path,
the cannibal ties me to the stake,
he scares me, and I plead for my life.
Oh, you're going to be marvelous!
Alright, back there.
And then we check over here.
Are you ready, cannibal?
[Speaks cannibal language]
[Mimics cannibal language]
Method actors! I tell you, never again.
Alright, camera, lights, quiet up there,
and let's have action! Action!
Here I go gathering nuts in may ♪
nuts in may ♪
boo!
Cut!
What is this "boo" shtick?
You're a crazed savage!
You're terrifying! A real gestreit!
Now back to your
respectives. That's it. Ready.
Lights, camera, action!
Here I go gathering nuts in may ♪
nuts in may ♪
grrrr!
Aah! Oh.
Gilligan, my boy, forget the fruit!
But it's our dessert.
Scare! Scream!
Aaah!
Aah. Oh! Oh!
No, no, no! Menace her!
Menace her, boy!
Menace me, gilligan. Oh! Oh! Oh!
You're gonna be burned at the stake,
and smoke will get
in your eyes and everything.
Stake her. Ooh, what a frightening actor.
Now, don't stand there.
Tie her to the stake.
That's it.
Oh, kind sir. You have such a kind face.
How can I talk you out of
doing this horrible deed?
Oh, do not harm me, cannibal!
Now now do your dance.
The dance of death.
[Growling]
I'm gonna kill him.
Just be grateful it's a silent picture.
[Grunting]
Aaah!
Howell: Cut!
Now, I repeat,
this is the most important
scene in the picture.
The picture means nothing
unless this scene has great impact.
It must have motivation.
It must have precise
timing. It must have
never mind all that static, Mr. Howell.
All I want to do is show the
approximate location of our island.
Actors! Temperamental children.
Alright, get ready.
I've been ready for a half an hour.
Just what do you think you're doing?
I'm just standing.
Well, will you stand
someplace else? Get out!
You can't talk to my little buddy like that!
I'm the director! I'll talk
to anyone that I please.
Alright, are you ready, cameraman?
As we say, camera, roll 'em, action.
This is Hawaii.
Cut! Cut, cut, cut.
You've got to show emotion.
Joy of the impending voyage.
You don't know we're gonna have
a terrible storm and a shipwreck.
Play it again.
Camera, lights, action!
This is Hawaii.
We started to drift southeast,
and then the storm
ho well: Wait a minute!
If you want people to find us,
you've got to give them
a universal starting point,
like fort Knox! Fort Knox?
That's the only shrine my
friends know. Fort Knox!
Mr. Howell, we are wasting film.
You're so right. Keep rolling!
If you want a landmark,
Hollywood is here.
Hollywood?
For 10%, my agent will
swim down here personally.
We oughta start with the
nation's capital! Washington, D.C.!
Washington, D.C.? I'm a republican!
No one would ever find me there.
Mr. Howell, if you'll just listen to me,
we started from Hawaii.
That's the best place to find us.
If Lana Turner was
discovered in a soda fountain,
I can be discovered here.
Gilligan, operate this camera!
Now listen, we must approach
point the camera this way, please.
I want to send a few
pictures to Princess grace.
Hello, prince rainier and
all you darling children!
Professor: Gilligan, you turn
that camera right back here.
Now, starting with Peru
[everybody talks at once]
Now, before we roll the film,
I'd like to explain something.
Never mind the explanation.
Just get on with the film.
Please, Mr. Howell.
I've heard of having previews
in out-of-the-way places,
but this is ridiculous.
Oh, now, come on. Quiet, everybody.
Now you go ahead, professor.
Well, in the processing of this film,
I encountered what you might
call a few technical difficulties.
Technical difficulties?
He means me.
Now just remember that
the main object of this film
is to get ourselves rescued,
and that is its only purpose.
So if the quality of the film
from time to time appears
to be inferior, it's just that
never mind that. I
can't stand late curtains
or talky projectionists.
Alright, gilligan.
Start pumping the projector.
Oh, noisy projectionist.
[Drumroll]
That should get our message across.
Well, already you've goofed.
Message pictures
don't make any money.
Mary Ann: Oh, isn't that our island?
Skipper: Yes.
Now if some sailor recognizes that,
we'll be found! We'll be rescued!
After all these months, I don't
know if I'd recognize a sailor.
Hey, skipper, here comes the
part where you rescue everybody.
Skipper: Quiet, everybody! Quiet!
Ginger: Oh! That's me! Hello, skipper.
Skipper: What happened?
Uh, technical difficulties, skipper.
I'm walking on my head!
Hey, that's great, skipper.
I never even saw that
on the ed Sullivan show.
Ginger: Why am I moving so slow?
Professor: A technical problem.
Wait a minute! I I didn't say print that!
Ginger: Why am I moving so fast?
Professor: Well, it's
a silent picture, ginger.
I don't think you should see this, lovey.
Heh heh heh. It's for adults.
I've never been so never get legional.
How'd you learn to hold
your breath that long?
Professor: I used to be a scuba diver.
Sure it wasn't siphoning
gasoline during the war?
Howell: Gilligan, I said closeups.
I remember saying distin closeups!
Oh, they're coming up, Mr. Howell.
Ginger: And it's one eye!
What I
oh, gilligan, you ruined the whole scene.
Well, the, uh, the camera was still,
but you kept moving.
Skipper: Whose ear is that?
Professor: I I think it's mine.
Howell: What's that horrible thing?
Gilligan: Ginger's mouth.
Ginger: Oh!
I asked for a love scene,
not an anatomy lesson.
Skipper: What's that?
That's my hand.
I got it in front of the camera.
Oh, it's really quite
difficult to follow the plot.
Well, the plot's
not important, Mrs. Howell.
It's the island, the people,
and the danger we're in.
Yeah, like the part that's coming up now,
where I play a savage cannibal.
Mary Ann: Ooh, and that's my best part.
Professor: Yes,
unfortunately, it's also the part
where gilligan opened
the door to the darkroom.
Skipper: What's that?
Howell: Good heavens. X-rays.
Professor: As I said, Mr. Howell,
there are great problems
connected with this picture.
It isn't even good enough
for the late, late, late, late, late show.
Gilligan: Oh, here comes the part now
where we show where
our island's located.
Mrs. Howell: Oh, darling,
there I am. Look. Look at me!
Howell: Yes, you look
absolutely ravishing.
Howell: Cut the film!
Professor: Well, that's the end.
Boy, that's the end, alright.
Oh, and it's awful.
It's enough to make a boy
and a girl leave a drive-in movie.
I'd walk out on that
picture even on an airplane.
Professor: Please, now listen, everyone.
The main purpose of this film
is to get ourselves rescued.
He's right. Now let's get it
all nice and wrapped real airtight.
We'll put it on a raft,
and hope somebody finds it.
Couldn't we see it again? I love
a picture where I know the ending.
Take my name off it, that's all
Radio: In Saturday's game,
the slippery rock teachers
squeaked by the polytech institute
to a crucial win of 93 to nothing.
Hi, everybody.
Be quiet.
We're listening to the news.
Radio: Oh, here's a late bulletin
on that mysterious film
washed ashore on a raft.
Hey, did you hear that?
They found our film!
That's wonderful!
My career! I'm ruined!
We're gonna be rescued!
Radio: This film, made by unknowns,
was the unanimous choice for first prize
at the cannes film festival.
In a statement released today,
the film was described
as a work of genius.
Particularly effective were the
numerous blacked-out scenes,
where the audience was left
to use its imagination.
Though it was anonymously submitted,
the committee is quite
certain the film is either
the work of the Swedish
master ingmar bergman,
or that Italian genius, vittorio de sica,
or possibly it was
the combined effort of both.
It was felt that this ultra-modern example
of surrealism will
bring back silent pictures.
Well, whoever is responsible
for this masterpiece,
your prize is waiting.
All you have to do is come
to cannes and get it.
You hear that? We won
the festival. First prize!
Maybe it's a motorcycle!
[Makes revving noises]
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone ♪no lights ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪