St. Denis Medical (2024) s02e07 Episode Script

1
140 BPM.
It's a little faster than we'd like,
but not uncommon for renal patients.
I knew it. I'm calling Mom.
No, don't call Mom. She's
just going to freak out.
Yeah, hi, Mom. It's elevated.
Yeah, well, tell Mom
that I'm going to
start him on carvedilol.
And then we'll be monitoring
for the next few hours.
- And if you need anything
- She's freaking out.
She wants to talk to you.
No, I don't want to talk right now.
But don't tell her that
because she's gonna
Yeah, he just doesn't want
to talk to you right now.
I'm so sorry, Mom.
M-Mom, I'm here.
And he's I do want to talk to you.
He's physically keeping
me from the phone.
I am not. Your son is just a prick.
Ruben's got a tattoo.
He has got a tattoo.
- Ask to see his left ankle, Mom.
- OK. I
- He will not show you.
- Mom, I do not have a
Harry has been on the
kidney transplant list
for three years now.
- Still a couple years out.
- The wait can be frustrating.
It helps to have family around.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
Usually.
Sorry. Hey, quick question.
Uh, if someone wanted to
give Harry a kidney directly,
like, how would that work?
Could he skip the line?
Sure, if you had someone
that wanted to do that.
Um, yeah.
Me.
- Wow.
- That's incredibly generous.
Yeah, I've offered it to him before,
but he always turns me down,
so I would love to do
this, you know, anonymously.
That is so beautiful.
Well, we'd have to run some tissue tests
to make sure you guys are a match.
But we could knock that out today.
- Great.
- Ruben, your parking ticket's on the floor.
You're out of your mind if you
think I'm paying a lost ticket fee.
Cheap [BLEEP].
No wonder his kidney wants out.
You're shouting in a hospital!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
I like to say that every day's
a big day here at St. Denis.
But today, those are not
just words that I'm saying.
Today, the city building inspector
is coming by to sign off
on the new birthing center.
Ah, the final step.
Bring it, Mr. Bulldog Inspector.
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry.
I meant to say building inspector.
But can you imagine a bulldog inspector?
I want that job. [CHUCKLES]
That was an uplifting start to the day.
This guy offered his brother a kidney.
Oh, wow. How much he want for it?
No, it was like a selfless gesture.
- He didn't want anything for it.
- Not yet.
Oh, boy.
Just once, I would love
for it to be, hey, Alex,
I totally agree with that
very uncontroversial thing
that you've just said.
How's the new vanilla creamer?
My stance on flavored creamers is known.
And, OK, yeah, it was a nice gesture,
but it was not selfless
because nothing is selfless.
[CHUCKLING] Ooh. Take
her to school, Ron.
And the nice guys always
want something in return.
A pat on the back, a high five.
I'm sorry. People do
selfless things all the time.
I mean, this job is selfless.
You get paid for it.
All right. Well, you know what?
I just donated $25 to Parker's GoFundMe
for his dog's eye surgery.
And you get to look like a good person.
Plus, the next time
you put that tin can out
for Ella's Girl Scout
cookies, Parker owes you one.
You know what? I'm on Team Alex here.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Last thing in the world I wanted to do
was go to the gym this
morning, but I went anyway.
Why? [CHUCKLES] Not for me.
For my chest and back and traps.
OK, so I'm alone in this.
No, I get it.
It's like how you did that
big pond cleanup last weekend.
Exactly.
Which I know about because
you posted it on Instagram.
Did she disable the likes?
Oh, no, she did not disable the likes.
- Oh.
- Do I know what that means?
Don't need to. I just
know she didn't do it.
You know what? Hate on me all you want.
But if you needed a
kidney, I would be the first
to offer mine, no strings attached.
Wait, that applies to me, too, right?
If I need a kidney?
Obviously, Serena gets first dibs.
[CHUCKLES]
No, but we should get a list going
so there's no drama later.
OK, Alex's organs.
Who wants what?
So Ron and Serena think
it's impossible for someone
to do something for
purely selfless reasons.
Well, I am pretty sure
I just proved them wrong.
How did I prove them wrong?
I'm not telling because
that would be taking credit.
And credit is of no interest to me.
Whap! Matty!
- Uh
- I got you. You're my captive.
Uh-oh.
Guess I'll have to lick my way out.
- Uh.
- Ew. What?
Just did a little research.
92% of kidney transplants
come from loved ones.
So there's actually a lot of value
in having close relationships.
And not just for your kidneys. No.
Men with strong friendships
live an extra four years on average.
Yep. Bruce needs a dude. [CHUCKLES]
Looking for a dude.
Okey-dokey.
Listen, I happen to be in
the market for a friend.
A best friend, as a matter of fact.
And Matt, you are the lucky guy
who's going to help me find him.
- Oh.
- Kay. [SNAPS FINGERS]
Pretty psyched to be helping
Bruce on his friendship journey.
I mean, who wouldn't want
to be his best friend?
Texting back and forth,
sharing inside jokes.
Sorry, I was just imagining
what they could be.
Yeah, that is going to be fun.
For for someone.
Hey, Joyce, building
inspector just got here.
Oh. Are you sure you don't
mean the bulldog inspector?
[CHUCKLES]
Sorry. You weren't there. [LAUGHS]
Bummer. Anyway, he's down the hall.
Oh.
[GASPS]
Oh.
Oh, my God. Val, are you sitting down?
- Yep.
- OK, do you remember me telling you
about a date I went on about
five years ago at Enzo's?
- No.
- Yeah, you do.
We both ordered the breaded eggplant.
And they only brought us one,
even though we wanted two.
- No.
- And then I went to the bathroom
and I got locked in,
but I had left my cell phone
- at the table.
- No.
And the stalls were only
6 inches off the ground,
so I had to slither underneath,
and I got my back all wet.
[LAUGHING] Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that was funny.
Well, it's him.
That's Michael.
- OK.
- Shh!
Shh.
You guys, I just checked the GoFundMe
for my dog Bunsie's eye surgery.
And an anonymous angel
just donated $1,000.
Wow. That is a
you sure it wasn't $100?
Nope. It was $1,000.
Damn! That's crazy.
[LAUGHS]
Wow.
I added an extra zero.
Two zeros is 100.
Three zeros is 1,000.
It's too many zeros.
Good news. A lot of tips
online for how to make friends.
You could join a cigar
club or a rec sports team.
There's also community theater.
OK, I'm trying to find a pal, Matt,
not join the cast of
"Seussical the Musical."
- Yeah.
- Come on. Can't we just
rustle up someone around here?
Oh, that's great.
I didn't know you were open to mixing
friendships and
professional relationships.
Yeah, well, I am, so go on.
[TAPPING DESK] What do
I, uh what do I do?
I guess you could start
with the classics, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Ask questions, listen,
- relate, express an interest.
- OK, well, I
I know you're not supposed
to do that with women.
But I don't know. Who knows?
Maybe it'll work with men.
All right, get out of
here, you knucklehead.
"Bruce-ical the Musical."
Now that's something.
So I accidentally made
a payment on my card.
Well, it wasn't an accident,
but the amount was incorrect.
And so I just want to know
if I can cancel that charge.
Representative.
Did you make sure and
say that deep down inside,
you're a very selfless bank customer?
Or are they just going to pick that up
as you take money out of a
suffering dog's surgery fund?
Folks, I just want to
reiterate how deeply,
deeply grateful I am.
I mean, whoever made that donation,
I wish you'd speak up
so that Bunsie and I
can thank you properly.
Parker, whoever did this,
I'm sure they're happy
that you're happy,
and that's all the thanks they need.
Wow.
Curveball.
Then he whisks me off to karaoke,
where we sing '90s jams for hours.
And after the second
round of "No Scrubs,"
even the owner was like,
"Haven't you had enough?"
PS, I hadn't.
So did the night end there or
Oh, don't ask me that.
God, oh. [LAUGHS]
Um, we might have FK'd.
Oh, you [BLEEP]?
Val, no!
Must you take it there?
No, we French kissed. FK'd.
Does anyone call it that?
Uh, if you know, you know, Dakota.
Anyway, we might be able to
use this to our advantage.
Hey, you.
[CHUCKLES]
It's Joyce.
Hey.
Just going through the electrical,
and then I'm going to
move on to the HVAC.
Joyce. Joyce Henderson.
Yep.
The only Joyce on my contact sheet.
Uh, well, so how, um
how are you?
Ask me that after I finish
the two inspections they just added.
They must be close by, right?
No, they're far.
[CHUCKLING] OK, this is funny, right?
What am I, on some
hidden camera prank show?
No, you'd have to tell me, right?
That's the law?
OK, propofol set to push.
- Set to push.
- 20 mils.
- 20 mils.
- Also, what's up?
- What?
- Well, how's your life going?
You, uh, you binging
anything these days?
- [CHUCKLING] Uh, actually, yeah.
- Oh.
The wife and I just watched a
great "How It's Made" about aglets.
The hell's an aglet?
You know, those little fasteners
that go on the ends of
shoelaces to prevent fraying?
Oh, my God, Patel, are you
trying to put this guy to sleep or me?
- I love that show.
- Right?
It's, like, all this stuff
you never think about.
But once you do, it's fascinating.
- You just want to learn more.
- Yes! [LAUGHS]
OK, put him under.
[SIGHS]
Ridiculous.
It's really sweet what
you did for Parker.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Dakota, I don't even know
what you're referring to.
Hey. How are you doing?
You holding up?
Yeah, I'm fine.
We'll just, you know,
shop at the cheap
grocery store this month.
Hey, do people ever
resole their Sketchers?
You think maybe it's
time to talk to Parker
about getting your money back?
No, I can't do that.
I mean, if enduring a little
bit of pain is what it takes
- to show I'm a good person
- Al, come on.
You're literally the only person
who replaces toilet
paper in the ladies' room.
Yeah, but I'm always a
little spiteful when I do it.
Alex, because you're a good person.
Now, go mess Parker up
and get your money back.
- Oh, yeah.
- [LAUGHTER]
Hey, what's up?
Sorry, was my sickness boring you?
- I mean, it's been over an hour.
- Well, OK, I was
Oh, you were at the gift shop, right?
Right. Yeah, I was at the gift shop.
Oh, you're out spinning a keychain tower
while I'm stuck with this guy, huh?
You asked me about my weekend.
No, it's no offense.
It's just, I thought, I don't know,
having my brother sit with me
during a major medical crisis
wouldn't be such a huge ask.
Oh, I don't think he thought it was
OK, OK.
You you want to
know what I was doing?
I was out getting tested to see
if I could give you my kidney.
Yeah. But I was trying
to do it anonymously.
Oh, anonymous. Wow! Hero.
And you almost kept it
quiet a whole morning.
Because you couldn't get off my nuts
for leaving the room for ten minutes.
It was an hour. You know what?
I don't want your kidney, anyway, OK?
I am rejecting it outside the body.
Oh, you are a child, OK?
- Oh, I'm a child?
- Yeah.
So a bit of an awkward
sitch here, Parker.
That $1,000 donation was actually me.
And it was supposed to be $100,
which I think is still pretty generous.
But there was some finger slippage.
So if you could just, you
know, issue me a quick refund,
that would be amazing.
Oh.
Yeah, that kind of doesn't add up.
Last week, you donated,
what, $25 under your name?
Oh, well, yeah, I can
see why that's confusing.
Right, and now you made
this huge second donation
that you don't want credit for?
Nah, nah.
That's, like, super sus.
[CHUCKLING] I don't think
we need to call it sus.
Honestly, you know who
this really isn't fair to?
- Ron.
- Seriously?
- Are you
- This is really gross, Alex.
Even for you.
"Even for me"?
Val, the building inspector
doesn't even recognize me.
Did I have different hair back then?
Let me check. I keep a monthly
log of your length and shape.
No, I think my hairstyle
is still the same.
Send me that log, though.
Maybe I just need to jog his memory.
I mean, you don't sing
"No Scrubs" with someone
until the wee hours of the morning
and then just forget them.
Honestly, he might be gaslighting you.
Last weekend, I ran
into Keith at Costco.
Didn't even say hello.
Just asked him to check the back
for more Charmin Ultra.
He found it.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, good news.
Your fire suppression
system looks solid.
Oh.
You know, I am famished today.
If I don't get some clams
Posillipo in me right now.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, speaking
of clams Posillipo,
have you ever been to Enzo's,
that cute little Italian
place next to the muffler shop?
- I have, actually.
- Oh, have you now?
Yes, ma'am. Did their inspection,
dinged them for termites.
Yeah, uh, but have you ever eaten there?
Maybe you had a waiter
with a skin problem
you kept joking about?
Sorry?
[CLEARS THROAT]
A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly ♪
And he's also known as a busta ♪
What?
OK, that's enough.
How did I become the
villain for offering you
um, checks notes a piece of my body?
Because you lord things over me.
You're a lorder. You love to lord.
Oh, I'm a lorder? I am not a lorder.
Behold the selflessness.
I mean, I almost want to be wrong once
just so I know what it feels like.
All right, you're
enjoying this way too much.
What is the point in being
cynical if you can't enjoy it?
I don't know, man.
It's still, like, sad
when bad stuff happens.
Aw, you still have some
lightness left inside you.
Adorable.
Well, just give it time. It'll die out.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] It's still sad
when bad stuff happens.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God, Ron, that's so generous.
I'm sure there are plenty of people here
that could use your money.
You're doing something.
Don't do something.
Holly! Holl!
Didn't you say your church
is saving up for a new bell?
- Oh, my God, yes.
- [SIGHING] Oh.
We've raised $450 so
far, so just 19,550 to go.
Oh, let's tell her.
- Nope, nothing to tell.
- Oh, he's so shy.
But I think he's interested.
- Stop!
- I agree. Stop.
Hey, Ron.
If you're giving away money,
Linda's mom got romance-scammed again,
so we're trying to fill
the coffers back up for her.
Dude, you are so right.
The trail flow on Eagle Ridge rules.
- Perfect.
- But did you notice
they started allowing e-bikes?
Oh, don't get me started.
E-bikes, or as I call them, cheaters.
- Yeah. I'm going to use that.
- [LAUGHTER]
- OK, my gift to you.
- Thank you.
Mr. Spencer came in with a
twisted ankle from cycling.
This guy loves bikes.
And Bruce happens to be our very own
can't think of a famous bike guy,
but they're a match.
Hey, so tell me, what kind of
steel pony are you jockeying?
Nothing fancy. Just a
2020 Pathway Pioneer.
Oof, big fan of the Pioneer.
Eats bumps for breakfast.
- Easily.
- Uh, but I think it came out in 2021.
- Ah.
- Eh, not important.
Yeah. Well, me and a great
group of guys have a bike club.
- Oh.
- That meets Sundays.
We do tacos after.
And it's always pretty
2021. Yeah. See? There it is.
Yeah, Pathway officially began
selling its flagship model,
Pioneer, the one you
said, on February 6, 2021.
So, yeah, I was right about that.
Maybe they sold it
earlier in different parts
- of the country or
- Oh, so the internet is wrong?
Yeah, that's probably it. [LAUGHS]
I better warn the others.
Uh, guys, don't use the
internet for a while.
They got some kinks
they need to work out.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
While I stand in solidarity
with the IBS community,
I will not be subscribing
to your Substack, OK?
You won't.
But somebody will.
Nobody wants to read about
all that stuff, Dakota!
Listen, you win.
People suck, I suck,
but I want my money back,
so I need you to tell Parker the truth.
Well, I keep trying to tell people,
but they don't believe me.
They say they see a twinkle in my eye.
Do you see a twinkle?
Well, you did heavily imply
that you gave Parker the money.
Well, I only did that
to break your spirit.
[SIGHS]
What is wrong with the men around here?
- It's like, Patel, shut up.
- Yeah.
Oh, and that lab tech? Come on.
No way that was the first time
someone told him he
looked like Roseanne.
Totally. Or that biker guy.
Hey, what kind of steel
pony you jockeying?
I said that.
No, yeah, I mean, I was just
setting up context for
- yeah.
- Right.
You know, I hate to admit it,
but if you're looking
at a crowd of people
and you find something
wrong with all of them,
I don't know, maybe it's time
you turn to yourself and say,
I have got to get
away from these people.
Yeah, um, for sure.
Or, is it possible
and this is just something
dumb that popped into my head
maybe your best friend
has been right under
your nose this whole time?
Oh, yeah.
I thought of Ron.
But he's too old, Matty.
- Oh, yeah.
- So yeah, that was kind of dumb.
- Totally.
- It's OK. We'll find him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, here's my bank statement.
Grubhub, Grubhub, Postmates, Grubhub.
No charities, no donations.
And see, here on my bank
statement, right there, $1,000.
Yeah. Huh. OK. I believe you.
So guys, it looks like Alex is
the one who made the donation.
Thank you. Thank you.
Alex.
OK, so can I have my money back, please?
Oh.
Um
yeah, I already spent that. [CHUCKLES]
I spent all of it.
- Ooh.
- Wow. [CHUCKLES]
How much was this dog surgery?
Oh, that was covered,
so I used the rest to buy a new TV.
What? Why would you do that?
Because the old one was
small and this new one is big.
Does that make sense?
Hey, almost done.
Just checking the
seals on the wall base.
OK, let's cut the crap right now.
I don't know what kind of sick mind game
you're playing with me,
but you and me, we went out on a date.
What are you talking about?
You want me to prove it?
I'll prove it right now.
Let's see. Look at
this. Who does that say?
Michael, Hinge. Because
we met on don't.
Do not look at me like that.
I'm going to text your phone.
- Admit it, pervert.
- Pervert?
We French-kissed.
Send.
Yeah, get ready to answer that phone.
It takes oh. [PHONE BUZZES]
"Who is this? I'm with my kids."
[GASPS] Oh.
Oh, no. Oh.
Honey, if you're watching this,
I do not know this woman.
I have never met this woman.
I love you so much, and
I'm going to be home soon.
Oh, my God.
Sure, I didn't find my bestie today.
But now I know what I'm looking for.
Well, you deserve someone great,
so just keep looking.
Yeah, just got to hunker
down and redouble my efforts.
Male friend.
Come on. Friend who's
a male, who is a friend.
Hey.
Yeah?
Do you want to come over Saturday night?
We keep jamming on this?
I think we need a little space, right?
Hit it with fresh eyes.
Come on, you and me.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Sure.
- OK!
Order some wings, couple six-packs.
Might even be a game on.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Nice.
So I know you guys have
had some drama today.
But also, your tissue
results just came back,
and you are a match
to donate your kidney.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Family matches tend to take well.
You could be healthy again soon.
Healthy.
Sorry, I just, uh
it's a lot, you know?
Uh, obviously, I would be
honored to accept your kidney.
Even if you do lord it over me.
- Hey.
- Which I know you will.
- Ah.
- But that's OK.
I would too.
But I I also know you want to help.
And that means a lot.
Wow. OK. Well, I will
call the transplant team
and have them drop by for a chat.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, this this is great.
And all good intel.
And we will you know,
we'll we'll talk about it.
Yeah.
We'll talk about it?
We'll talk about it.
- We'll talk about it.
- What is there to talk about?
Well, we're going to figure out
Oh, wow, wow.
OK, no, I knew you
were going to do this.
No, no, no. He did
not want to be a match.
- He gets the credit.
- No.
- He keeps the kidney.
- OK, it's an organ that's
- You know, stays in his body.
- Been inside my body for 40 years.
I think I can have a
night to think about
Oh, see? Best of both
worlds for this piece of [BLEEP].
Again, I really want to apologize.
That was totally inappropriate
and completely my fault.
Hey, it's no harm, no
foul. These things happen.
I mean, I really don't know if they do.
But it's fine.
Thank you. That's very generous.
- Here you go.
- OK.
You, uh, failed your inspection.
- What?
- Yeah.
Warped south wall, exposed electrical,
and I saw some faulty sink drainage.
Uh how? How?
Oh, I think your contractor was
what we call in the
business a bad contractor.
So let me know when
those things are fixed,
and I will send someone else.
Goodbye, Joyce.
["NO SCRUBS" PLAYING]
You know, maybe our intentions
are never entirely pure.
But you know what I would call
doing a good thing for a selfish reason?
I would call it doing a good thing.
Whatever my motives are,
I can sleep at night.
And that's more than
I can say for Parker,
who will be working the night
shift for the next six months.
♪
[BELL RINGS]