Ted (2024) s02e07 Episode Script

1
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing ♪
I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Oh, yeah.
And when Ice Cube punches Deebo.
And then Smokey says, "You got
knocked the fuck out, man."
No, no, no, no.
Actually, it was more like,
"You got knocked
the fuck out, man!"
Oh, yeah. No, it's more like,
"You got knocked
the fuck out, man!
The mid '90s truly are
the golden age of comedy.
Yeah. Black people are so cool.
Hey! Watch it.
Sorry dinner's so late.
We ran out of ketchup,
so I had to go
to six different neighbors
before I finally found enough
to cover the meatloaf.
Meatloaf again?
We just had meatloaf
two days ago.
I wouldn't do this,
but Ice Cube would call you
a bitch right now.
I'm sorry.
I thought you liked my meatloaf.
Jesus Christ! What the hell
is wrong with you guys?
Susan makes dinner
for four people
and a bear every night,
and you never
even say thank you.
You just sit there and complain.
Swear to God, you guys have
zero appreciation for her.
It's okay, Blaire.
Everyone should have
what they like.
What do you want instead?
Oh, can we do breakfast
for dinner?
No fuckin' way.
- Aw.
- Why not?
Eatin' eggs after noon is gay.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Think about it.
The gays are up all night
doin' stuff to each other,
and they miss breakfast.
So they invent brunch.
They meet up around 11,
they have
their fruity little drinks,
they talk about hairstyles
and lotions
and whatever the fuck.
And by the time they start
eatin' their breakfast,
it's after noon.
That's actually a solid theory.
Yeah, I got no notes.
So the exact cutoff time
for when eggs become gay
is 11 a.m.?
Is that the theory?
- Yes.
Oh, that's why McDonald's
stops serving breakfast at 11.
Right. They don't want
guys banging
each other in the bathroom.
Pretty sure that happens anyway.
- Oh, dear.
- What?
I put two eggs
in the meatloaf for structure.
No, no, no.
Eggs in stuff is okay,
but on their own, gay.
I don't want
to take any chances.
Johnny's at
a very impressionable age.
Hey, Dad, what happens
if you accidentally eat
an egg after noon?
You gotta chase it
with a straight food.
- Like what?
- Stew.
Oh, my God,
I ate an egg the night
I decided I liked girls.
- See?
- But I only ate half.
- That's why I go both ways.
- Right there.
They couldn't get the stew
in me quick enough.
Hey, it's not
your fault, Blaire.
Teddy, look,
it's Sheila Borgwardt.
Fuck! She's got to be
the hottest drug dealer
on the planet.
Hey, you know,
I just realized something.
- What?
- I ain't seen her
since I turned 18.
I'm an adult now.
And adults buy drugs.
That is the main thing
they do. Yes.
I, John Bennett,
am going to buy drugs
from Sheila Borgwardt.
How do I look?
- Doesn't matter.
Hey, Sheila.
- Hey.
- I'm John Bennett.
We, uh, we met last year, remember?
Um, possibly.
My, uh my diarrhea is gone.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's all normal now.
I mean, every so often I'll get
a bum taco or whatever,
and something will happen
but for the most part,
I've been solid.
Sheila. Hi, Ted.
We've also met.
Listen, John here has
recently become a man.
Not in a sexual way, obviously,
but in a biological way.
And he would like to purchase
some marijuana from you.
Uh sure.
How much you want?
Holy shit. Really?
Oh, man. Being an adult rocks.
I got birthday money
from Nana and Pop-Pop.
And I want
to spend it all. $200.
- Two hundred?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Here's a quarter pound.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
That is a Chris Tucker
amount of weed.
That is fuckin' beautiful.
Sheila
thanks for being my first time.
Please don't say that.
I don't know why I lied to you.
I have had diarrhea.
Okay.
And within the hour.
Enjoy your buzz.
You will never not be a virgin.
I don't, I don't ever think
I've been this high before.
Do I have human feet right now?
I feel like I have human feet.
Oh, no.
What do human feet feel like?
Oh, that's a good question.
Let's ask someone.
Hey, boys.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Show me your feet.
It's such a beautiful day.
I thought instead of you kids
taking the bus,
we could go to the mall
and I could get you
some graduation underwear.
Underwear?
It goes over your butt.
And maybe afterward,
we can go to Sears
and get our portraits made.
Show me your fuckin' feet!
So, Johnny,
I was thinking about the kind
of underwear you should get.
And I believe a boy's underwear
should match his father's.
But then I prayed about it.
And if you want
to try something different,
I think it'd be okay.
Fuck, you're so soft.
Have you always been this soft?
Yeah. I'm a fuckin'
teddy bear, dude.
Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear.
What was that?
Oh, my God! Are we on fire?
Uh, it's okay, boys.
It's just a policeman.
Fuck! We got all this weed.
Maybe he's not a cop.
Maybe he's a stripper.
Oh, yeah.
'Cause sometimes
they dress up like cops.
If he says you have
the right to remain sexy,
we're in the clear.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Can I see your license
and registration?
Touch his dick
and see how he reacts.
Oh, of course.
Is something wrong, officer?
You're aware that
your left brake light's out?
Oh, dear.
My husband usually takes care
of these things,
but he's been having
solid urines.
Hey, if you're a cop,
you have to tell us.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I know our rights.
And you ain't got no right
to search this car
or this pocket of this backpack
without a warrant.
Well, that's not
at all suspicious.
Yeah, well, I could say
the same thing about you
pullin' over
a law-abiding family
on their way
to buy clean underwear
with absolutely no drugs
of any kind anywhere
in the car or on their persons.
Okay, everyone step out
of the car.
Fuck.
Mom, I gotta tell you something.
What is it, honey?
I'm holding.
Oh. Well, try to hold it
as long as you can.
And then I can take you
to the ladies' room
when we get to the mall
so you can do your doo-doos.
No, Mom, I have marijuana
in my backpack.
I bought it after school.
- What?
- I know,
I know, I'm stupid,
and-and I'm sorry.
Oh, Johnny
you're 18 now.
You could get the chair.
What do we have here?
Whose is this?
- It's
- Mine.
It's mine.
- What?
- Yours?
I am hooked
on the junk, officer!
Mom, what are you doing?
I eat it and I shoot it,
and I take it in all the ways.
And I have ever since Woodstock,
which is where I learned.
Fuckin' hippies.
Turn around.
Hey, I know her rights!
Oh, yeah? What are they?
Aw, fuck.
Boys, there's some
emergency ziti in the freezer,
and a Stouffer's
in the basement.
Watch your head.
- He took Mom.
- He took our weed!
A-and he And he took
Susan as well. Oh!
Oh, no!
You can't do that to Bret Hart,
you big, fat foreigner!
Where the hell have you been?
Where's your mother?
Matty
let's talk.
What the fuck?!
Run, Johnny! Stay alive!
No matter what happens,
I will find you.
Get the fuck back here!
Oh, jeez.
Ah, fuck!
Stupid fucking moron! Bastards!
Hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck is going on here?
These two dumbshits
got caught with drugs
and let Susan
get arrested for it!
What?
- Is that true?
- Yeah.
Stupid fuckin' morons!
Bastards!
I'll be right back.
You stay here and write
your confession, dipshit.
- I can't do it.
- Why not?
I'm scared, Blaire.
I can't go to jail.
Oh, but you're perfectly fine
with your mother going
in your place?
I swear to God, this is exactly
what I was talking about
last night
on fucking steroids.
Susan does everything
for this family,
and nobody
ever does shit for her.
Well, look at this face, Blaire.
Look at his mouth.
It's so youthful.
If he goes to prison,
it's gonna be filled with dicks.
And how does a mouth
full of dicks help Susan?
Oh, fuck you guys.
A mouth full of dicks?
I was exaggerating for effect.
It'll probably just be one
or two dicks
but they'll be big ones, Johnny.
Yes, they will.
Hey. How you doin'?
Oh. I'm fine, Matty.
Did Johnny tell you
where to find the ziti?
Don't you fuckin' worry.
Johnny's gonna confess,
and you'll be home by tonight.
No, Matty,
don't make him do that.
It was my choice.
What?
Johnny's 18 now.
He's just startin' his life.
This could ruin his future.
It could keep him
from going to college.
It could encourage him
to join a breakdance gang.
But they were his drugs.
He's gotta learn responsibility.
Not like this.
Promise me you won't make him.
Susan.
Fine.
Besides, it's my first offense.
I'm sure they'll go easy on me.
I sentence you to 20 years
in state prison.
Next case.
Commonwealth of Massachusetts
versus Susan Bennett.
Possession of marijuana.
- Dun-dun!
- Stop doing that.
It's a courtroom, Blaire,
I have to.
It's the law. And order.
Dun-dun!
Ow, fuck!
Dun-dun.
Mrs. Bennett,
you're charged
with possession of marijuana.
How do you plead?
I cannot lie, Your Honor,
I plead guilty.
Well, thank you
for your honesty.
Since this is your first offense
and you seem to be a nice lady,
I'm going to be lenient.
I sentence you to ten days
in the county jail.
- Ten days?
- What the fuck?
- Jesus Christ!
- Court is adjourned.
Dun-dun!
Ah, I like you!
Who the fuck are you?
Hi. I'm Susan Bennett.
I'm your new roommate.
This is a nice place
you have here.
What's your name?
Bitch Killer.
Oh, well.
Rhymes with Mitch Miller.
The fuck? Why are you here?
Oh, I-I did a very bad thing.
Did you kill a bitch
or somethin'?
- Marriage-wana.
- No shit.
Oh, no. None at all.
Why are you here?
'Cause the fuckin'
system's corrupt.
I ain't do shit. I'm innocent.
Oh, no.
Have you said anything
to anyone?
We should let 'em know.
Guard, this woman's innocent.
- Shut the fuck up
- Guard!
And mind your own business.
We ain't friends.
We aren't friends.
But I bet you a piece
of cinnamon toast we will be.
Are you threatening me?
I am Cornholio.
Come on, Beavis, take your seat.
What the fuck
is goin' on in here?
We're just watchin' TV.
You two ain't watching shit.
If your mother's in jail,
you're in jail.
- What does that mean?
- It means
you guys are gonna clean
the goddamn house.
You're gonna do the laundry,
you're gonna do
the fucking dishes, and you're
gonna cook all the meals.
So get ready for fuckin' hell.
Isn't that just
Susan's daily routine?
You're goddamn right it is.
And that's their punishment.
So get started.
Okay.
Okay. We got this.
It's housekeeping.
How hard can it be?
Yeah. Yeah, even the name
sounds like a game.
Housekeepin'.
You idiots have no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
See that? I just kept house.
I'm a housekeeper.
Yeah, and look at me.
I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker.
You know what?
I stand corrected.
You guys got this.
Good luck.
All right, I'm gonna dust you,
then you dust me.
Right.
May I join you ladies?
I'm Susan.
I'm bunking with Miss Killer.
What are your names?
Eat a cock.
How about you?
I'm FedEx.
That's Sixty-Nine.
That's Gungina.
Men die if they get
in my crosshairs.
Oh, these are
such interesting names.
Why do they call you FedEx?
'Cause I can get you anything
within 24 hours.
Oh.
As long as it fits up my ass.
Oh.
What are you
ladies talking about?
The fuckin' food here.
I wouldn't feed this shit
to my fuckin' dog.
I knew a dog once
that liked soup.
Isn't that silly?
He belonged
to our nextdoor neighbors,
and he was such
a sweet, sweet boy.
But then he attacked a toddler,
and they had to put
a muzzle on him.
But then he chewed
through that muzzle
and attacked another toddler.
And then the church had
to move him to another area.
Oh, no, wait,
that was Father O'Brien.
Sixty-Nine.
What does that name mean?
Listen, ho, if you talk too
much around here, you get cut.
So if I were you,
I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth.
I don't understand.
All this shit, and somehow
all we made
was one boiled egg.
I don't even know
if it's any good.
Wait. It's after noon.
That's a gay egg.
Shit.
Now I'm thinkin'
about John Stamos pushin'
a lawn mower shirtless.
What the fuck
are you idiots doing in there?
Where's dinner?
- It's almost ready.
Okay, we gotta think
of something.
Mom normally goes
to the store on Saturday,
so there ain't much here.
Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims,
white bread, shredded cheese,
and a shit ton of condiments.
I got an idea.
Okay.
Gourmet hot dogs.
What the hell is this?
What do you mean? It's dinner.
This pile of shit is dinner?
We call it the frankfurther.
We've taken the hot dog
into the radical '90s.
Whoa!
Surf's up.
What? I ain't eatin' that shit.
Unbelievable.
We slave away in there,
we make you a delicious meal,
we drop it on the floor,
pick it up, and rinse it off,
and this is the thanks we get.
You know, I knew
you two would fuck this up.
Fuck it.
I'll go to the grocery store,
and I'll do it myself.
Can I get some
goddamn help here?
Where's the fuckin'
dinner aisle?
This box has a picture
of what I want.
Hey, hey, hey!
Ah, fuck!
This is fucking bullshit!
- What's goin' on?
- Surprise inspection.
Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess.
I'm gonna get written up again
and lose my
watercolor privileges.
Bitch Killer, get in here!
Shit!
This is the cleanest bunk
I have ever seen.
What the fuck?
What's that smell?
It's potpourri.
I made it with the dried flowers
from the memorial
for that lady who was stabbed
in the shower the other day.
Well, it's lovely.
Congratulations, Bitch Killer.
You passed inspection for once.
But I got my eye on you.
You did this?
Yeah.
Why?
Oh, I'm so used
to picking up Johnny's room.
It was easy.
Also
I made you some slippers
out of maxi pads.
How'd you know my size?
The slippers or the maxi pads?
Good lookin' out.
Oh, I don't know
what that means.
The Family Feud!
Teddy, dryer's done.
Richard Dawson!
Teddy?
Jesus Christ!
Teddy, what happened?
Next time you start that thing,
fuckin' knock first.
Hey, what the fuck is goin' on
with the laundry, huh?
Everything I own is too small,
and I can't find my underwear.
Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out.
What? Why?
'Cause they were covered
in skid marks.
Well, I-I can't go to work
without any underwear on.
The guys will bust
my fuckin' chops all day.
How, how will they know
you're not wearin' underwear?
Don't play dumb.
Well, what do you want us to do?
Go dig 'em out
of the fuckin' trash
and put some Wite-Out on 'em.
Go!
- Goddammit!
We're on it.
We're fuckin' goin'!
Hello, ladies.
What the fuck
you doin' back there?
Well, you were saying
you didn't like the food.
So I talked to the warden,
I made a few suggestions,
and she put me
in charge of the kitchen.
Is that meatloaf?
Yeah. Would you like to try it?
Oh, my God,
that's fuckin' great.
It reminds me
of my mother's prison meatloaf.
I used pigeon eggs
and some pigeon,
but I think it turned out okay.
Hey.
The fuck you want, Half Foot?
Half Foot? What a cute name.
Is it because you're short?
Not that it's any
of your fucking business,
but yeah.
And also because I lost
half my foot
in a shovel fight.
Oh, dear.
Well, at least you don't have
to trim your toenails.
It's not that half of the foot.
Oh.
I was kitchen bitch
until yesterday.
You stole my fuckin' job.
They put me down
in the motherfuckin' laundry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean
to take anyone's job.
I was just trying
to make the food better.
Oh, so my food was shit?
Is that what you're saying?
You're dead meat.
Sixty-Nine?
I could use a hug right now.
Why the fuck do I got
to know how to read?
My mom couldn't read,
and she made bank
from giving head.
Aww, reading's wonderful
for your head.
And it's not hard
to learn at all.
Now, I borrowed this
from the jail library.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
You think you've been naughty?
Wait till you see
what he gets up to.
The fuck is all this shit?
Oh, hi, Half Foot.
I was just teaching Gungina
how to read.
Would you like me
to teach you how to read too?
What? First you steal
my fuckin' job,
now you calling me
fuckin' illiterate?
How would you like half
a foot in your ass?
Is there a problem here?
No. No problem.
I'll be seeing you, Susan.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh! Excuse me, guard?
What?
What are the plans for Easter?
- Easter?
- Well, it's this Sunday.
I imagine the warden's
providing the baskets,
but who do I talk to
about getting 700 colored eggs?
This is jail.
There ain't no plans for Easter.
But it's Jesus' big day.
How will he know we care
if we don't hide eggs?
Not my problem.
Oh, Gungina, that's not
what those holes are for.
Goddamn.
How'd this happen so fast?
Dude, this is, uh
Do you use this sock for, uh
- Lovemakin'. Yes.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it usually gets washed
before it gets like that.
Well, guess we should
change the sheets.
Yeah.
Anything else covered
in dried cum
that I should know about?
So I said,
"Oh, yeah, motherfucker?"
and I cut half his dick off.
- Oh.
- Which half?
The left half.
What are you laughin' at?
Is it me?
Is it my body?
Are you laughin' at my body?
Chill out, cracker. This ain't
got nothin' to do with you.
What did you just call me, inmate?
You lookin' for trouble,
Bitch Killer?
Excuse me. Can I say something?
I don't think you ladies
understand just how difficult
a job Mrs. Guard has.
Are you takin' her fuckin' side?
Well, I saw on 60 Minutes
that prison guards have
a very, very hard job.
They put their lives
at risk every day.
They only make
about $24,000 a year.
Plus, they have to buy
their own gun,
which many of them use
to kill themselves.
Or our spouses.
They're real people,
just like us.
Thank you, Susan.
That means a lot.
And I think you have
a wonderful body.
I need to go call my mother.
Michael, are you sure
you know what you're doing?
Is that your wedding tux?
It's the only thing
that's clean.
Aah.
Ah, what is that a puddle of?
You don't wanna know.
Heads up.
I'm gonna send down the trash.
Boys
back in 'Nam, we learned
when it's time
to abandon your post.
That time is now.
Hey, hey, hey, not that way.
Jesus Christ, don't go near
the fuckin' bees' nest.
Well, how are we supposed
to get out?
There's a beaver dam
blocking the kitchen door.
Yo, what the fuck you doin'
in my cell, bitch?
Oh, hi, Half Foot.
You just ran
out of fuckin' time.
Happy Easter.
- What?
- Easter is all about
second chances.
Jesus got a second chance.
I think our friendship
deserves one too.
Fruit By the Foot?
Now you can have all the feet
you could ever want.
Thanks.
Susan.
You got us all Easter baskets?
Oh, it was nothing.
And I couldn't have done it
without FedEx's help.
I got Peeps. Real Peeps.
And a Cadbury Creme Egg!
- Mine's empty.
- Don't you worry.
The candy's on its way.
It's shipped but not delivered.
Let's eat.
What if God was one of us ♪
Just a slob like one of us ♪
Just a stranger on the bus ♪
Faster with that Wite-Out!
Come on! Move!
You're shittin' faster
than we can paint.
Jesus.
Mom's job is
really fuckin' hard.
Yeah. No shit.
It's about time
you ingrates figured that out.
Sucks that Mom's gonna
come home tomorrow
to the house looking like this.
She deserves more.
Yeah. She does.
Hey, Blaire.
If we promise to do better,
will you help us put
the house back together for Mom?
Are you asking me
because I'm a woman?
No, I'm asking you because
you're the only non-idiot here.
Fine. Yeah, I'll do it.
For Susan.
Thanks, Blaire.
Grab a brush.
We're paintin' undies.
Gonna miss you, Susan.
Aw. I'm gonna miss
you all so much.
It ain't gonna be the same
in here without you.
My ass is full
but so is my heart.
Thanks for teaching me to read.
From now on,
my name is Bookgina.
And I'ma keep watering
my foot, just like you said.
I know it'll grow back one day.
Ah, Bitch Killer.
Thank you for being
the best roommate
a girl could ever ask for.
No, Susan, thank you.
Uh, I got
one more surprise for you.
What is it?
Oh, dear.
I did it with a razor blade
and charcoal ink.
It's so big.
She did it
when we still hated you.
Four bitches held me down
in the shower.
It's funny how things work out.
God always has a plan.
Goodbye, girls.
Okay.
That's a lot better.
- Yeah.
Mom!
- Oh, my God!
Hey, hey!
Oh, we missed you.
We missed you so much.
Did they give you back the weed?
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
Did you have a party?
This place is a mess.
There.
- Mom, we did our best,
but we had no idea
how hard your job is.
Yeah, we took you for granted,
and we promise
it'll never happen again.
That's right. You can make us
meatloaf anytime you want.
We won't say shit.
- Yeah, anytime you wanna
make meatloaf is good with us.
- Even tonight would be okay.
- Let's have it tonight.
- Hurry.
- Now!
Jesus, she just walked
in the fuckin' door.
It's okay, Blaire.
I'd love to make my family
some meatloaf.
Uh, hey, Mom.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for everything.
And thank you.
I almost ruined my life,
and you saved me.
Oh, Johnny.
That's what
growin' up's all about.
Makin' mistakes and lettin'
your mother fix it all.
Well, that was our last one.
No more mistakes for us.
You know, boys, having spent
some time on the inside,
I learned that everybody needs
somebody to look out for them.
I'm your mother.
You don't have to thank me
or appreciate me
or even notice me.
I'll always be right here.
Always.
I'm gonna die here, Johnny.
Right here.
Good.
Why isn't it ready?
Oh, you've got a headful ♪
Of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas ♪
That someone adores you ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪