Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004) s02e07 Episode Script
Spray a Carpet or Rug
0
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Right, so where was I?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I get home from a hard day's work
and again
there was the pee-pee and the pooh-pooh
all over my bedroom door.
So, I say to my nephew
who is 15 years old, mind you,
Victor
you have to start using the toilets
when you're in my house.
So, I put him in the cellar for the weekend
to teach him a lesson.
Would you mind telling me,
where is the harm in that?
- You know, children these days
- Enough about me.
What are you in for, kid?
Well, I supposedly,
you know
killed about 4,000 people.
People are too sensitive these days.
All right, out with it,
what happened?
Well, it all started a few months ago.
I thought I was finally
on the verge of something big.
Where is that devil?
I know you're
around here somewhere.
There you are.
Darn lawnmower man.
"I need more money."
You bastard!
- Pardon?
- Good morning, sir.
- Say again.
- Mayor's office.
What?
- Who's there, please?
- Maybe this will help.
See, it's just me,
good old Tom Peters.
That man looks familiar.
Well, I know there's
a no soliciting sign out there, but
I'm just doing a little
door-to-door salesmanship.
Right.
And, I've a pretty cool product called Spray a Carpet or Rug.
I'm not sure
if you heard of that or not.
I don't think so.
I do remember
I created Spray a Carpet or Rug
17 years ago in my basement.
And now I'm in a three-story building!
I have personally given permission
for this comedy show
to use the name of my product.
Spray a Carpet or Rug.
Because everyone
deserves to laugh, right, Granny?
Save money, honey.
Thanks for using my product.
And thanks
for my three-story building!
Let me just get this thing goin' for you,
you know, show you how it works.
Looks just like real carpet, Tom!
- Well, it actually is carpet, so
- Fine.
Well, tell me again,
why are you wearing that suit?
Well, it turns out
I'm very allergic to this foam here.
So, my body doesn't really take to the chemicals
it goes straight to my spine.
Hello?
Mayor, are you listening?
You silly bearded man.
I don't know how,
but I'm gonna get you.
Tom, can you get that thing in green?
Let me see here.
Yeah, I think so.
Good.
Well, my plan is to actually replace all of the grass in Jefferton with carpet
using this brand-new product called Spray a Carpet or Rug.
That way, we can get rid of the lawnmower man for good
as my chart clearly
demonstrates here.
I don't think substituting grass with carpeting
is the best idea
for our community.
Well, if you see in the brochure there, we have a stain-free guarantee.
In fact I think
some of these chemicals
could be rather
harmful to the grass.
And to the people on the grass.
Don't worry. This strange-looking scientist assured me
that Spray a Carpet or Rug is perfectly safe.
You know, Randy
I wouldn't be opposed
to a trial run in Memorial Park.
- How's it going?
- Just keep smiling, Tom.
I think they're going for it.
So, I get this huge contract to carpet all of Memorial Park.
Good for you.
An entrepreneur with a dream.
Not like my Victor
who's pooping and peeing
on my door as we speak.
Look at you now.
The bottom of the bottom
of the barrel.
You know, if I was you,
I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Oh, really?
Hey, come here.
Have you ever thought about,
you knowsuicide?
Not really.
Well, you sort of have to.
You are a family man, right, Tom?
Well, I don't have life insurance
Life insurance?
They give that to you.
You can apply for that after you're dead.
After you do the dead thing.
Don't worry about it.
Well, I guess
I could see the appeal in that plan now.
Between you and me and the wall and my pooping nephew Victor
the rope's the best way to go.
You just have to get a good knot going
so you snap the neck clean,
you know, no mess.
Thanks for the advice on that.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I interrupted.
You were telling a story.
Oh. Well, everything was going great
I finished the carpeting
in a reasonable two hours
which I guess
is some sort of world record.
Well, that only took me a reasonable two hours.
- Must be some kinda world record.
- Tom, check this out.
Lawnmower man,
a word, please.
Look what I have here.
A big check.
I'm sorry, this check's actually for Tom here.
You see,
we won't have to mow this ever
because it's carpet.
- What was that all about?
- Here you go.
I went ahead and backdated it about a week
just in case
there are any problems ahead.
OK. How's that?
Never mind, Tommy. People are just gonna love this carpet grass.
What?
What the heck is goin' on here?
I don't remember anything about this in my training.
And whatever you do
do not expose this stuff
to direct sunlight.
A horrible burning chemical reaction will occur.
Darn it!
A rare and deadly skin condition
caused by the carpeting
Tom Peters laid in Memorial Park
has left hundreds of Jeffertonians
dead and dying.
Let's got to Jan Skylar,
who's live on the scene.
Well, it is just chaos
down here at Memorial Park.
But here's the good news.
I did my research and I found out
that when I stuck my head deep in the stinky gases here
I found no side effects.
I feel absolutely, 100% fine.
So somebody ought to come out here and tell me what all the hoo-ha is about, Wayne.
Wayne, back to you.
Come on, come on.
Boys!
Come in here
and help your p--papa!
We gotta get rid of the f--evidence!
Hey, where did you put my helmet
andmy suit?
I threw them away!
Joy, why did you do that?!
Why did you do that, Joy,
why did you do that?
And, by the time
my seizures petered out
the cops had broken down
the door and darted me.
And, you know,
I ended up here.
Those police!
It's them who should have the poop-poop on their door.
What am I saying? Pretty soon
you won't have nothing to worry about.
Here, let me help you with that.
To tell you the truth,
I'm a little nervous.
I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, no, I'm gonna break my neck on this rope, it's gonna hurt so bad"
Don't worry,
I've tried it a few times.
It's just a little "boop"
and whoosh and we're done here.
Now, would you just relax?
Well, I appreciate it, and, as I said before,
it was nice meeting you
OK, you're a saint,
it's been an honor to know you
and I won't forget
our lovely time together. All the rest.
And, on a side note
I would like to thank you as well
Hey, Tom.
Where am I?
Mayor's office.
Fair enough.
Tom, thanks for all
your great work in Memorial Park.
OK.
Of course, I'm going to have
to take you up on that stain-free guarantee.
OK.
What about my family?
My friend said something about life insurance?
Sorry, buddy.
Jan, I want you to know that sharing our lives together
on this news set
and in our wonderful home
has been a truly
incredible experience.
You bring joy to my life
and I love you
with all my heart and soul.
Thank you.
Abso-lutely.
Jefferton alive
Hi. I'm the Mayor,
and my door is always open for you!
Jefferton alive
My name is Tom Peters,
and I'm full of ideas.
Community spirit!
Hi. How are you?
Shopping!
Food!
Free to be, being free ♪
Jefferton alive
Right, so where was I?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I get home from a hard day's work
and again
there was the pee-pee and the pooh-pooh
all over my bedroom door.
So, I say to my nephew
who is 15 years old, mind you,
Victor
you have to start using the toilets
when you're in my house.
So, I put him in the cellar for the weekend
to teach him a lesson.
Would you mind telling me,
where is the harm in that?
- You know, children these days
- Enough about me.
What are you in for, kid?
Well, I supposedly,
you know
killed about 4,000 people.
People are too sensitive these days.
All right, out with it,
what happened?
Well, it all started a few months ago.
I thought I was finally
on the verge of something big.
Where is that devil?
I know you're
around here somewhere.
There you are.
Darn lawnmower man.
"I need more money."
You bastard!
- Pardon?
- Good morning, sir.
- Say again.
- Mayor's office.
What?
- Who's there, please?
- Maybe this will help.
See, it's just me,
good old Tom Peters.
That man looks familiar.
Well, I know there's
a no soliciting sign out there, but
I'm just doing a little
door-to-door salesmanship.
Right.
And, I've a pretty cool product called Spray a Carpet or Rug.
I'm not sure
if you heard of that or not.
I don't think so.
I do remember
I created Spray a Carpet or Rug
17 years ago in my basement.
And now I'm in a three-story building!
I have personally given permission
for this comedy show
to use the name of my product.
Spray a Carpet or Rug.
Because everyone
deserves to laugh, right, Granny?
Save money, honey.
Thanks for using my product.
And thanks
for my three-story building!
Let me just get this thing goin' for you,
you know, show you how it works.
Looks just like real carpet, Tom!
- Well, it actually is carpet, so
- Fine.
Well, tell me again,
why are you wearing that suit?
Well, it turns out
I'm very allergic to this foam here.
So, my body doesn't really take to the chemicals
it goes straight to my spine.
Hello?
Mayor, are you listening?
You silly bearded man.
I don't know how,
but I'm gonna get you.
Tom, can you get that thing in green?
Let me see here.
Yeah, I think so.
Good.
Well, my plan is to actually replace all of the grass in Jefferton with carpet
using this brand-new product called Spray a Carpet or Rug.
That way, we can get rid of the lawnmower man for good
as my chart clearly
demonstrates here.
I don't think substituting grass with carpeting
is the best idea
for our community.
Well, if you see in the brochure there, we have a stain-free guarantee.
In fact I think
some of these chemicals
could be rather
harmful to the grass.
And to the people on the grass.
Don't worry. This strange-looking scientist assured me
that Spray a Carpet or Rug is perfectly safe.
You know, Randy
I wouldn't be opposed
to a trial run in Memorial Park.
- How's it going?
- Just keep smiling, Tom.
I think they're going for it.
So, I get this huge contract to carpet all of Memorial Park.
Good for you.
An entrepreneur with a dream.
Not like my Victor
who's pooping and peeing
on my door as we speak.
Look at you now.
The bottom of the bottom
of the barrel.
You know, if I was you,
I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Oh, really?
Hey, come here.
Have you ever thought about,
you knowsuicide?
Not really.
Well, you sort of have to.
You are a family man, right, Tom?
Well, I don't have life insurance
Life insurance?
They give that to you.
You can apply for that after you're dead.
After you do the dead thing.
Don't worry about it.
Well, I guess
I could see the appeal in that plan now.
Between you and me and the wall and my pooping nephew Victor
the rope's the best way to go.
You just have to get a good knot going
so you snap the neck clean,
you know, no mess.
Thanks for the advice on that.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I interrupted.
You were telling a story.
Oh. Well, everything was going great
I finished the carpeting
in a reasonable two hours
which I guess
is some sort of world record.
Well, that only took me a reasonable two hours.
- Must be some kinda world record.
- Tom, check this out.
Lawnmower man,
a word, please.
Look what I have here.
A big check.
I'm sorry, this check's actually for Tom here.
You see,
we won't have to mow this ever
because it's carpet.
- What was that all about?
- Here you go.
I went ahead and backdated it about a week
just in case
there are any problems ahead.
OK. How's that?
Never mind, Tommy. People are just gonna love this carpet grass.
What?
What the heck is goin' on here?
I don't remember anything about this in my training.
And whatever you do
do not expose this stuff
to direct sunlight.
A horrible burning chemical reaction will occur.
Darn it!
A rare and deadly skin condition
caused by the carpeting
Tom Peters laid in Memorial Park
has left hundreds of Jeffertonians
dead and dying.
Let's got to Jan Skylar,
who's live on the scene.
Well, it is just chaos
down here at Memorial Park.
But here's the good news.
I did my research and I found out
that when I stuck my head deep in the stinky gases here
I found no side effects.
I feel absolutely, 100% fine.
So somebody ought to come out here and tell me what all the hoo-ha is about, Wayne.
Wayne, back to you.
Come on, come on.
Boys!
Come in here
and help your p--papa!
We gotta get rid of the f--evidence!
Hey, where did you put my helmet
andmy suit?
I threw them away!
Joy, why did you do that?!
Why did you do that, Joy,
why did you do that?
And, by the time
my seizures petered out
the cops had broken down
the door and darted me.
And, you know,
I ended up here.
Those police!
It's them who should have the poop-poop on their door.
What am I saying? Pretty soon
you won't have nothing to worry about.
Here, let me help you with that.
To tell you the truth,
I'm a little nervous.
I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, no, I'm gonna break my neck on this rope, it's gonna hurt so bad"
Don't worry,
I've tried it a few times.
It's just a little "boop"
and whoosh and we're done here.
Now, would you just relax?
Well, I appreciate it, and, as I said before,
it was nice meeting you
OK, you're a saint,
it's been an honor to know you
and I won't forget
our lovely time together. All the rest.
And, on a side note
I would like to thank you as well
Hey, Tom.
Where am I?
Mayor's office.
Fair enough.
Tom, thanks for all
your great work in Memorial Park.
OK.
Of course, I'm going to have
to take you up on that stain-free guarantee.
OK.
What about my family?
My friend said something about life insurance?
Sorry, buddy.
Jan, I want you to know that sharing our lives together
on this news set
and in our wonderful home
has been a truly
incredible experience.
You bring joy to my life
and I love you
with all my heart and soul.
Thank you.
Abso-lutely.