Twisted Metal (2023) s02e07 Episode Script

1
[metal grinder buzzing]
- Oh, yeah.
You're ready to murder.
[knocks]
[ratchet clicking]
- Come on, dammit.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
- [Axel]
Stress wrenching, huh?
I figured you was
over here wrenching
because of your
fine-ass sister,
which I get.
But now that I see
your sorry-ass face,
it ain't all grief.
You lookin' guilty
as a motherfucker.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
all right?
I did something
behind Quiet's back.
- So?
- So?
I don't know what
I'm gonna do about it, man.
I never lied to her before.
- Hold up.
You saying you never lied
to your girl before?
- No.
Hey!
What you doing, man?
- Just checking to see
if your bitch ass
got any nuts down there.
- [John Doe] You're going
to get your answer
when I smoke
your rusty ass.
[belches]
- You make a run at me,
I will end you.
Coroner gonna list your cause
of death as everything.
Feel me?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mine.
- Heh,
good morning, Quiet.
- Sorry, I slept in.
I forgot how good
a pillow feels.
Is that our gun?
- Ah, don't worry about it.
We'll get another one.
Roadkill was begging
for some upgrades,
so I figured
I'd just jump on it.
- You're in a very good mood.
It's weird.
- I'm just excited
to get out there
and show these losers
what Quohn can do.
It's Quiet and John.
- No, I will not be
participating in Quohn.
- Th-th-that's fine.
Quohn's in the rearview.
Fuck Quohn!
Roadkill
is ready to go.
The last thing
we need to figure out
is the boomerang blast.
Now do we mount it,
or do we keep it in the back
for emergencies?
- [both] Back.
[scraping]
- It's going to be
very hard to kill someone
with a gun that heavy.
- I'll have you know,
I've killed tons of people
with a gun
just like this,
dozens of dudes.
I'm a frickin'
murder slut.
[scoffs]
[scraping]
- [John Doe]
So should we, uh--
- No, no, she's not
our responsibility.
We just have to focus
on the mission.
- Right, the mission.
- Damn, there are some
tight buttholes in here.
- We will be killing
each other soon.
- You're outsiders.
So what else is new?
Hey, Stretch Armstrong.
What's your
sicky little wishy?
- Bitch, I ain't
telling you shit.
What if it's
birthday cake rules?
If I say my wish,
it won't come true.
- Hmm.
- [Deacon] We wish for
the same thing as all parents.
For our child
to grow up happy, loved,
and wanting for nothing.
Nothing except
the end of this world
and the rise of a new reality
formed from his image.
- How about you?
Let me guess.
A complexion?
- I wish to feel warm again.
- Well, you might if you
stop lugging around
those massive fucking igloos.
Holy shit.
- [Dave] You guys talking
about wishes? Overrated.
I don't even want one.
You know why?
'Cause I'm living
the fucking dream.
I told my bestie over here,
and I was like,
I don't want the pressure.
You make the wish.
I don't want to be
on the hook for it.
- And my wish--
- Guess what I wished for!
I wished to exterminate
humanity,
let somebody else
take over for once.
- Now you see the shit
I gotta put up with?
This freak got me smelling
like Raid cologne.
- I wished for
the ability to fly.
Pretty sick, right?
[chuckles]
I was going to wish
for a girthy ten-incher,
but, you know, I've never
had any complaints.
- I find that
hard to believe.
- So what did you
wish for then?
- [Raven] Oh, yes,
I'm dying to know.
- To bring down
the city walls.
- Which walls?
- Of which cities?
- All of them.
When we win, all the walls
will come down.
- Damn. You're making us all
look bad over here.
- We just think
insiders and outsiders
should finally be on
an even playing field.
- Yeah. It's time for
the outsiders
to get their fair share.
- I knew you two
were stupid,
but I didn't realize
you were naive.
It'd be cute
if it weren't so sad.
- It's not naive to fight
for a better world.
- [Raven]
Oh, listen to yourself.
Do you think you're
some kind of superhero?
Not with that
greasy hair.
- O-kay, I think
you look great.
And that's not objectifying.
I'm just supporting.
- People need walls.
It simplifies things.
You're either one or the other,
inside or out.
- [Mayhem]
Look, all of your wishes
are fucking stupid,
okay?
Me, I'm gonna be
invincible.
[laughing]
- Ooh, widdle baby
wants to be invincible?
Hey, hey, why don't you
wish for a diaper,
so you don't shit yourself
and run away?
- Hey, we got plenty of diapers
if you need 'em.
- Fuck off!
- Welcome!
To the much anticipated
first round
of the Twisted Metal
tournament.
12 cars will enter
my labyrinth,
but alas, there are
only eight exit passes
hidden throughout.
Be sure to snag one,
because if you attempt
to leave the area without it,
well, you'll be
killed instantly.
This is warehouse
district warfare.
You'll know where
a pass is hidden
by the pillars
of red smoke.
All except for you,
John and Quiet.
You two finished last
in my qualifier,
so I decided
to spice things up a bit
and give you two
a small advantage
for today's
bloody festivities.
This is a radar
displaying the precise location
of all eight passes.
[overlapping grumbling]
- Cheaters!
- And that's not all.
You'll also be getting
a one minute head start.
[clapping]
- This is bullshit!
- Do you have a problem
with the way
I'm running my game, Raven?
Good.
I hope you and your vehicles
are ready, my drivers,
because it's time
for the tournament to begin!
♪♪
[engine revving]
[engine revving]
[engine revving]
♪♪
- So, what do you think,
it's like a compass,
one of those
arrow things?
Yo, maybe it's a line
that shows you
what road to drive down.
That'll be sick!
- Whatever it is,
I don't think it's worth
the target
you put on our backs.
- Come on.
Giving us an advantage
is like giving a lion
a submachine gun.
We're going to crush
this round.
And the next round
we're going to destroy,
and the round
after that
better kiss
its sorry ass goodbye.
- Okay, well, let's just focus
on this round first.
- Focus?
- [Quiet] I thought
she should come with us.
[echoing]
To remind us of the mission.
She would want
to be here.
[beeping]
Here we go.
[engine starts and revs]
- [Calypso] Roadkill,
your one minute begins now!
- Let's tear this shit up.
[tires squealing,
engine revving]
Okay.
Looks like
the closest pass is east.
Turn right here.
- [JOHN DOE] Got it.
[beeping]
- Dude, turn!
- Got it!
- [Quiet]
Not left, right!
[tires squealing]
Shit, John.
Take the next left.
- Got it.
- [Quiet] John!
[brakes squealing]
[panting]
John, you good?
- [John Doe] Yeah.
I have a great idea.
How about you drive
and I do the map thing?
- But I drove last time.
- I know, but, uh,
this is really important,
and I really love maps.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Ow. Jeez, ow! Oh, fuck.
What the fuck, John?
- My bad.
[groaning]
- Jesus.
[tires squealing]
We can't blow
this head start.
- Stand down, Stu.
- Oh, good, 'cause we're
running out of this stuff.
- No, this isn't
about conservation.
Yesterday,
I really lost my cool.
But you've inspired me
to not hold grudges.
- So you don't hate
Grimm anymore?
- Oh, no. I want
to rip out his spine,
but that does nothing
for my legacy.
History remembers
the winner, Stuart.
And much like the one-eyed
Admiral Horatio Nelson,
I've got my eye
on the prize.
- Yeah, well, we could
all live our lives
a little more
like Horatio Nelson.
- [John Doe]
Make a left, I think.
[tires squealing]
[beeping]
Oh, shit!
You should have
went right.
- Jesus, John,
we have the advantage.
Get it together.
- [John Doe] I'm sorry.
There's so many triangles.
[loud booming]
What was that?
[booming]
- [Quiet]
Our minute's up.
There goes
our head start.
[Mayhem muttering]
- Don't fuck me now!
[tires squealing]
[gunfire]
- Outta my way, kids!
[tires squealing]
Beep, beep!
Axel coming through!
[Mayhem screaming]
[gunfire]
[tires squealing]
- Yes.
- Thank god.
♪♪
[brakes squealing]
Oh! Whose hand
is that?
- Who cares?
Let's just get the pass
and get out of here.
- Relax.
Look, even with
the radar,
it took us a while
to find this place.
So it's going to take
the others just as--
- [Deacon]
Hey, there!
[baby cooing]
Four of us going after one
hot ticket?
Reminds me of the blow bang
Where I met Brenjamin.
[popping]
My jaw still clicks.
- Well, looks like
we're having a party.
And what's a party
without a clown?
- Two clowns!
[Raven laughing]
- Keep your hands
off the hand, you weirdo.
It's mine!
[Outkast's "B.O.B."
playing]
One two
one two three yeah ♪
Inslumnational
underground ♪
Thunder pounds
when I stomp the ground ♪
Like a million elephants
or silverback orangutans ♪
You can't stop a train ♪
Who wants some
don't come unprepared ♪
I'll be there
but when I leave there ♪
No, no!
Weatherman telling us
it ain't gonna rain ♪
So now we sitting in
a drop top soaking wet ♪
In a silk suit
trying not to sweat ♪
Hit somersaults
without the net ♪
But this'll be the year
that we won't forget ♪
- Fly, my little penguin!
Be what you wanna be ♪
Long as you know consequences
are given for living ♪
- Stop him, Preacher!
[cocks gun]
- That baby's got a gun!
[gunshot]
[yelps]
[baby giggling]
- [Quiet] Yes!
Whoo! I got it!
Go, go, go, go, go.
[laughing]
- [Raven]
Get your hands off, bitch.
I called dibs!
[gunshots]
- Come on, Stuart,
let's scoot out of--
[yelps]
[groaning]
- Oh, man,
I messed up.
- Nope, not gonna
dwell on this.
There's still
a few passes left.
- What is this ice
made of?
[missile whooshing]
- [Mayhem]
Who the fuck shot that?
[screaming]
[panting]
Oh, yeah, baby!
♪♪
[Chuckie laughing]
- Oh
[beeping]
Looking for this?
- Yeah.
And I'm gonna take it.
[chuckles]
- I'd like to see you try.
You know, I'm not afraid
to hit a girl.
- Good. 'Cause I'm not afraid
to smash a pussy.
[scoffs]
[screams]
[grunting]
[yelps]
[pass clatters]
[grunting]
[laughs]
[yelps]
[grunting]
[yelps]
[panting]
[laughs]
- You done yet?
- No, just needed
a hand.
[squelches]
[grunts]
[teeth cracking]
[snarls]
- Wait!
[screaming]
[crashes]
- Oh my God.
Oh my God,
I fucking killed him.
Oh my God.
[yelps]
- [Announcer]
Sixth pass has been secured.
Two remain.
- What the hell
happened to you!
- It turns out Vermin
can really fight.
I can't believe
the creepy crawler lady
got the pass.
Shit.
It was in my hand.
[tires squealing,
engine revving]
- Jesus, what the fuck
is going on today?
- It's my fault.
I'm tilting.
- What the hell
is tilting?
- You make a few mistakes,
then you get in your head.
- No more superstitious
bullshit.
We're a team, right?
So we fix this.
- [John Doe] You're right.
Hey, there are two more passes.
One's a few blocks away.
- All right,
I'm taking a shortcut.
[tires squealing]
[both screaming]
Come on!
Now your superstitious bullshit
is rubbing off on me.
[tires squealing]
- Fuck!
[distant gunfire]
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
[keys jingling]
Yes!
[car alarm chirps]
[beeping]
- [Quattro] Welcome back,
Chuckie Floop.
- Holy shit,
who said that?
- [Quattro]
New driver detected.
Would you like me
to create a new profile?
- Fuck! Fine,
start a new profile! Go.
- [Quattro]
Acknowledged.
New primary driver
accepted.
Please state your name.
- Fucking Mayhem.
Just come on!
- [Quattro] Welcome aboard,
Fucking Mayhem.
[engine revving]
- Holy shit,
a car that talks, okay.
God damn it.
God, murder makes you
extra sweaty!
- [Quattro] Initiating AC.
[blowing]
- Ah, thanks!
Okay, you can turn off!
Turn off!
Turn the fuck off!
- [Quattro]
Acknowledged.
- All right,
you got a name?
- [Quattro] My current
designation VIN
is number 4, B as in Boy, 1,
Q as in quattro--
- Yeah, Quattro's fine!
You got to move faster.
- [Quattro]
Designation updated, Quattro.
[groans]
Exterior damage sustained.
Shall I initiate
autonomous navigation?
- No, I don't need
your help.
I just need
to get out of here.
- [Quattro] Shall I initiate
autonomous navigation?
- Fine! If you think
you're so good at driving,
just do it!
- [Quattro]
Acknowledged.
[engine revving]
- Oh, hell, yeah.
♪♪
Keep it steady,
and I'll smoke
all these losers.
What?
Wait, this is the end?
How'd you do that?
- [Quattro] Maps.
- Hmm.
- Check it out, Stu.
We're about to win.
And I didn't think
about Grimm even once,
not even his
dinky little bike.
I can still hear
it buzzing in my head.
[engine revving]
What the hell?!
- Oh, shit!
[Mr. Grimm in British voice]
- Hello, chaps!
[horn honks]
[brakes squealing]
[German voice]
Thanks for the lift, Marcus.
- Son of a bitch.
That's not in the spirit
of competition.
I'm going to file
a complaint.
Goddamn it!
If that son of a bitch
didn't get in our way
we would've
come in first.
- [Stu] They, um--
- No, Stu.
No words.
- Not trying to add
any pressure,
but FYI,
there's one pass left.
This is our last shot.
- Fuck!
Ah, shit! Those holy assholes
beat us to it.
- It's almost time
for Preacher's ba-ba.
[brakes squealing]
And no one fucks
with ba-ba time!
[gunshots]
- I'm getting
that goddamned pass.
Cover me.
[gunfire]
[door slams]
[grunting]
- You look mad.
- It's been a shit day.
Give me that pass.
[yelps]
[clicking]
- Shit!
I really should have tested
this shit before now.
[grunting]
[yelps]
- My milking titty.
- Ew, it got on my hand!
- Where the hell
did he go?
[yelps]
[grunting]
- I got the pass!
[laughing]
- Go, go!
[tires squealing]
[wincing]
- [John Doe]
Quiet, we gotta go!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Fuck!
John, this is it.
If we don't get that pass,
it's over.
[laughing and cheering]
♪♪
- Shit, he's fast.
- Preacher, we could really use
your guidance right now.
- Kill them.
- He is risen!
[laughing and cheering]
I kill them in your name,
Preacher!
- Oh my God.
[sputtering]
[whooshing]
- Our father who art a baby,
hallowed be thy dick--
[brakes squealing]
- Huh, boomerang blast.
♪
- Do you see the pass?
- I hope he didn't
blow it up.
[baby crying]
[straining]
[giggling]
- Just take it.
It's a baby.
- I'm trying.
He's fuckin' strong.
Fuck you, Preacher!
- John!
[crying]
[horn honks]
- [Announcer]
Round over.
[ratchet clicking]
- No more unwanted
back door visitors.
Seal her up.
[torch hissing]
- Are you sure you don't
want me to do it?
I have thumbs
and hands.
- Harold's got it.
Stu, I've been
thinking.
You know everything
I said before?
Eh, forget it all.
Grudges are back
on the menu.
So are blood feuds
and vendettas.
And when it comes
to killing,
I just gotta
lead with my heart.
You know?
- [Stu] Yeah.
[metal clangs]
- Oh, shit.
Harold dropped the torch.
Don't pick it up.
It's hot!
- [Mayhem] Damn.
You really do
know how to drive.
I hope that we can,
well, you know, if you're down,
team up again
in the next round.
- [Quattro] Saving
Fucking Mayhem presets.
[beeping]
Fucking Mayhem
presets saved.
- Hey, Quattro,
could I, uh--
could I maybe ask
for your advice?
- [Quattro]
Interface battery at 10%.
Entering sleep mode.
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Thanks for saving my ass
out there, Quattro.
- [Quattro]
Acknowledged.
[beeps]
- Is there a lost and found
for human children?
- I'll take the baby.
What?
The child will be
safe with me.
Unless you would prefer
to care for him.
- No, no, you have--
- Abso-fucking-lutely not.
- More square footage.
- Oh, look at you.
You'll want for nothing
with Daddy Calypso.
Congratulations
on surviving the first round.
Enjoy the moment.
Things only get
harder from here.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got this little animal
to delouse.
[baby cooing]
- So you guys didn't die?
Good job.
- Thanks. You too.
- Guess I'll go clean up.
- You good?
You seem
different.
- I'm good.
Um, I just
well, I-I killed
someone today.
- Oh.
Was it your first?
Oh, I just assumed--
- I had a big body count?
No. I mean,
I've done, like,
you know, hand stuff,
like stabbing and shit,
but never went
all the way
until today.
- Wow. Okay, um, uh,
tell me everything.
Who was it?
- Don't laugh.
[sighs]
Chuckie Floop.
And it was
kind of whatever.
- Mm-hmm,
I'm not laughing.
- I guess
I just thought
that my first kill
would be,
I don't know,
with someone special?
- Ugh, no.
It's better this way.
For your first
you want to kill someone
you barely care about
and then never think
about them again.
You know, just get it
out of the way.
- How old were you
when you had your first kill?
- Well,
I was a late bloomer.
There was this
blueberry picker in the O.C.
that just kept
hassling me,
so I got him
with my hatchet.
Although he didn't die
right away,
so I'm not sure
it officially counts.
It was just the tip.
[door opens]
- How's the kid?
- Uh, fine.
John
Ow.
We can't afford
another day like this.
This is life and death.
- It was just a bad day.
I mean, shit happens.
- Not like today.
I've never seen you like this.
- Well, maybe the stress
of the round got to me.
Like you said,
it is life or death.
- But you were fine
in the qualifier,
With missiles
falling from the sky.
So what changed?
John?
What's going on?
Is it us?
Is it me?
- [John Doe] No.
It's me.
It's all me.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry for what?
- For today,
for screwing up
the radar,
for being so clumsy
on the smoothest fucking ice
in the world,
for coming
with you at all.
I lied to you, Quiet.
I made my own wish.
♪♪