United States of Al (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

You have really beautiful hair.
Hmm. Thank you.
She says that to everybody.
Hazel.
Is that true?
Yeah.
So, Al, what do we want today?
High and tight.
Take me 90 seconds.
No.
Just a little off the top, please.
I want to look nice for
my first day at school.
Don't commit to a friend
group too early.
Shop around. Have fun with it.
I never got the chance to
go to college in Afghanistan.
I started working for the
Marines after grade 12.
Oh, that's my plan.
Hazel Jaan,
you should never stop learning.
Education is a privilege.
For me, going to college
is a second chance.
Are you nervous it'll be too hard?
Please, I have read more books
than the hairs on your head.
I read 30 news articles every day.
I love to learn.
Ugh, if you were in my class,
we would not be friends.
Okay. I'd like to start by
saying I recently published
a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it!
I'm kidding, of course.
I assume everybody has downloaded
and read the articles
off the student portal?
We will talk about all
those in a moment
Excuse me. Do you know what a portal is?
It's a website where
they post the readings
and the syllabus and stuff.
What is a syllabus?
Do you mind?
I'm trying to watch this.
Gentlemen, am I interrupting something?
Not for me.
But he is watching the hockey game.
This is lovely.
Yeah, it's finally cool enough
to turn on the fire pit
and not sweat.
I'm 50. Speak for yourself.
Thanks for making dinner.
Mm. It's my pleasure.
You know, maybe we should
do something special
one of these nights.
Maybe go out for a steak?
That sounds fun.
You know where they make
a hell of a tomahawk chop?
Donahue's.
Ugh.
You don't like Donahue's?
I don't like Donahue.
What? Jimmy "the Arm" Donahue?
Led the Big Ten in passing in '91,
got Ohio State to the Hall of Fame Bowl.
That guy is a legend.
That guy is my ex-husband.
Seriously?
There was a marriage, kids,
divorce, the whole thing.
Had a, uh
framed poster of him in the garage.
Okay.
He signed it.
Maybe we should go somewhere else.
Great.
You didn't date
the Burger King, did you?
No, but in college,
I experimented with the Dairy Queen.
I want to hear that story.
Donahue drops back to pass.
He evades a tackle. And another!
Wow! Somebody hold my cigarette
This guy's going all the way!
What's this?
Hall of Fame Bowl.
The ten, the five.
Touchdown! Donahue does it again!
You reliving good memories?
I wish.
Jimmy Donahue is Lois' ex-husband.
No.
That guy was a beast.
Oh, thanks.
So if you marry Lois, he'll be, like
my Uncle Jimmy?
Do you have any idea how families work?
You must be a little intimidated.
I'm a lot intimidated.
- Does Lizzie know?
- No.
Ooh, she's about to.
Hello.
Good. A different person.
How was class?
Fine.
Fine? That's it?
Excuse me. I am very tired
and have a lot of homework.
Hmm. He seems bummed.
Yeah. I think I should
go make sure he's okay.
But then there'd be
nobody here to tease you.
Tag.
You must be a little intimidated.
I made you some tea.
- Ah. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Riley, do you know how
to write a bibliography?
Look at my abs.
What do you think?
Just ask your professor.
Listen to yourself. "Ask the professor."
What's the big deal?
You're paying for the class.
Isn't it his job to help you?
You mean "Brett"?
Can you believe they call
him by his first name?
Back home, if I disrespected
a teacher like that,
I would be kicked out of school.
I'm not sure you can get kicked out
of community college.
I used to think my
English was very good.
But there are so many
words I have never heard of.
Look at this one.
Uh, "cohg-nie-zant"?
It's pronounced "cognizant."
Okay. What does it mean?
I can't do all your work for you.
Oh, you're up early.
Never went to sleep.
- What's the problem?
- Ten years
of conversational
English with U.S. Marines
did not give me
the most useful vocabulary.
Mm, depends where you live.
In prison, you're set.
Yes. I know many ways of implying
a man's mother has loose morals,
but none of them appear
in the work of Carl Jung.
Why don't you take the day off?
Get some rest.
No. I need that job to
send money to my family,
and I need this education to
be able to get a better job.
Otherwise, I will end up like you.
Zing!
Sorry, Riley.
I'm just very tired.
You want a cup of coffee?
I am fearful for my future,
but not enough to become a drug addict.
How you doing? You okay?
Yeah. Why?
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
You still obsessing over Lois' ex?
Sheesh. You don't understand.
I went to those games.
I cheered for that guy.
Hell, you were conceived during
halftime of the Penn State game.
A story no one is asking for.
I mean, how can I measure
up to a guy like that?
It's not a competition.
Oh, you're such a girl.
You know, with your mom,
if we ever got in a fight,
I could say, "Like you could do better."
I can't say that with Lois.
She's got ten photo
albums to prove otherwise.
And ESPN Classic.
Hey.
Why don't you go take
a nap in the truck?
All right? I'll demo the wall.
You think I can't do it?
That's exactly what I think.
I am fine.
No, come on.
Al, hold on, hold on.
Riley, I am not a child. I can do this.
Okay, wrong wall.
I know.
Hey, Dad, did your tattoos hurt?
Why?
No reason.
How much do they cost?
I failed my first test.
Join the club.
My professor says I
didn't answer the question.
But, look, I filled the front and back.
The only thing I understand
on this is the "F."
You know, if you draw a three
over it, it becomes a "B."
- What?
- Like you've never done it.
He asked us to apply one
of Sigmund Freud's theories
to our personal lives.
So I listed all of the theories,
but my personal life
is none of his business.
All right. Just go to his office,
tell him you didn't
understand the question
and ask for a redo.
No. The one time in my
life I did go to my teacher,
he thought I was being difficult.
I had to stand in the corner
with my shoe in my mouth.
- Hmm?
- It's a funny image.
- Professor Williams?
- That's right.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Of course. My door is always open.
And that's not a metaphor.
I am required to keep it open.
I don't even know why I have one.
Um, look, I'm not in your
class, but my buddy is.
Awalmir Karimi.
Oh, yeah.
The guy who calls me by my full name.
I kind of like that.
Yeah, the thing is, um,
he hasn't lived in
this country very long,
and taking your class is
really discouraging him.
Oh, no. Did-did I say something
culturally insensitive?
I-I will apologize.
In fact, he can write the
apology and I will sign it.
Unless that's making the victim
do the work of educating me,
which is not okay.
No, it's just that English
is not his first language.
He was actually my interpreter,
embedded with us Marines.
Thank you for your service.
Right.
Anyway, maybe you could just cut him
a little break on his grades?
Like that quiz you guys just did.
Done. Yeah, I am not losing
another job over this crap.
Yeah, this important dialogue
that we are all having
as a nation.
Thank you for bringing
this to my attention.
And, of course
for all the freedom.
Wait.
I should say that standing up.
Thank you for bringing
this to my attention
and, of course
for all the freedom.
Oh, I'm sorry. Sh Is this?
It's It's all It's okay.
All right. Mm.
Okay, go to the top where
it says "My Student Portal."
Uh
There.
Not there. Ugh, please
just let me do this for you!
If you do it for me, I will never learn.
It is possible you're too old for this.
Okay, here it is.
My Student Portal.
So I fill in my email.
Now I have to make a password.
Come on, I know you're
gonna put "Toyota Corolla."
Now I need security questions.
Uh, "What street did you grow up on?"
"The one behind the butcher."
"What was your high school mascot?"
What does that mean?
You know, when the least
popular kid in school
dresses up like a squirrel.
"Squirrel."
Oh! I'm in.
What are you guys looking at?
Oh, just teaching Hazel how
to use my college website.
I'm gonna let that one go.
Okay, here are your classes.
Here are your assignments,
your syllabus and your grades.
Now, remember, whatever grades you get,
as long as you tried your
hardest, we're proud of you.
- That is a lie.
- A big one. I hear it all the time.
Huh. Why does it say I got
an "A" in my psychology quiz?
'Cause your best friend went
in and talked to your professor.
How come you never do that for me?
I'm afraid of your mother.
You had no business.
You wouldn't, so I did.
You also didn't say
thank you. So I'll do it.
"Thank you, Riley." No problem, Al.
Friends don't meddle in each
other's personal business.
Are you kidding?
That's literally all you do.
What did you tell him? Hmm?
That I am some sad immigrant
who needs extra help?
I did not say "sad."
Riley, you have humiliated
me in front of the professor.
Who, Brett? Nah, man, Brett's chill.
As if I didn't have enough on my plate,
now I have to go back and
apologize for your behavior.
Relax. Everything's fixed now.
Hey, high five.
All right.
Don't hold back.
If it doesn't look good, get rid of it.
You won't hurt my feelings.
Why do you still have
all these old uniforms?
Are you starting a museum?
Or a militia?
Hey, a Marine never gets
rid of his dress blues.
He gets them pressed and
dry-cleaned once a year.
More often if that Marine has a coupon.
Okay, and what is this section here,
the gift shop at the Honolulu Airport?
Are you gonna help me or not?
You don't need any help.
Lois has never had a problem
with the way you look.
She probably likes your big round head.
Thanks.
Besides, Marine beats
football player any day.
Oh, she's right.
I mean, if Jimmy lost a game, who cares?
But if you lost Grenada
I don't know. Something
might've happened.
Communism.
We'd be waiting in line for blue jeans.
Exactly.
Hazel's right. Once a Marine,
always a Marine.
Now, you hold your big round head up
and you get out there
and you have the greatest
date of your life.
It's not till Tuesday.
Then we will do this again on Tuesday.
Hello, Professor Brett Williams.
- I'm here to talk about my grade.
- Hold on.
Do you mind if I record
this conversation?
I'll send you a copy.
Okay.
Awalmir Karimi,
what can I do for you at
5:26 on a Tuesday?
I know you are a busy person.
I don't want to waste your time.
But I must apologize
for my friend Riley,
and I want you to take the "A" back.
What grade would you prefer?
I'm gonna say them all
and you just drop a pencil.
I want a grade that I deserve.
I gave you that,
and you sent Captain America to see me.
I did not ask him to bother you.
I told him I was struggling in
class, and he decided to help.
But I don't want anybody's help.
How long has your friend
been out of the service?
Three years.
Well, I'm not surprised he's
trying to fix your problems.
A lot of veterans are wired
to be mission-oriented.
Once a week, he organizes my closet.
It's really hard when
the people back at home
have learned to operate on their own.
It's a big strain on relationships,
marriages in particular.
He is having problems with his marriage.
You should be a professor of guessing.
It's not guessing It's psychology.
Okay, it's a little guessing,
but this entire field is
devoted to trying to understand
why people behave in certain
ways in order to help them.
Ah. Well, thank you.
This has been very helpful, Professor.
Well, come by anytime.
The views expressed here are my own
and do not represent
Eastmoor Community College
or Princeton University,
towards which I hold no ill will.
So I could just drive to North Dakota
and, bippity-boom, I will have
visited all the lower 48 states,
which I think we can both agree
is quite an accomplishment.
- Art.
- What?
What's going on?
What do you mean?
So far tonight, you've told me
how you were a highly
decorated Eagle Scout,
how a cop chased you on the
interstate but you outran him
and my favorite
You used to have hair like Jon Bon Jovi.
I did.
Art.
Okay.
I just can't stop thinking
you can do better than me.
Hell, you have.
You mean Jimmy?
He's only been to, like, 30 states.
Not funny.
If you want me to make a
list of all the things wrong
with Jimmy "the Arm" Donahue,
I'm gonna need a long piece of paper.
That's why I left him.
But you loved your wife.
The only reason you're not
with her is because she died.
You think that doesn't make me insecure?
I never thought of it like that.
You're kind,
you're funny,
you're good-looking.
And I know you're not gonna believe me,
but that steak you
cooked the other night
could put Jimmy out of business.
Really?
Really.
I mean, I hope you don't
put him out of business.
I own half of it.
Something wrong with the lawn mower?
Nah, just making it better.
Interesting.
I went and talked to
Professor Brett Williams.
He's giving me my "F" back.
Well, as long as you tried your hardest,
we're proud of you.
Look, man, I'm, uh
sorry I pissed you off.
I was just trying to help.
Actually, I wanted to thank you.
You were right. I was being stubborn
about talking to the professor.
Teachers here are very friendly.
Nervous, but friendly.
So, Riley
I've been thinking about something.
Yeah? What's that?
In Afghanistan, you
were a leader of men.
But here, you have no men to lead.
What is that like?
- What?
- Whatever pops in your head.
There are no wrong answers.
It's weird.
I was commanding a squad. Now I'm not.
Mm.
So you want to do more.
You want to help people.
You want to help me.
How does that make you feel?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are
we talking about my feelings?
As a student of psychology,
it is my job to understand
people's behavior
in order to help them.
I don't need you to help me.
I hear you.
- Go on.
- You go on.
Eh, it's okay.
We know about veterans.
We've done studies.
I'm not doing this.
We are not doing anything.
Certainly, I'm not a psychologist.
You've been to one class and got an "F."
But the way I see it,
this needing to be needed
is part of your earliest
tensions with Vanessa.
Didn't you tell me that
you two used to argue
about how she mowed the lawn?
She always went the same direction.
She was making ruts.
But you have to ask, is there
any way she could have done it
that would have made you happy?
She could've done it my way.
- Would that have been better?
- Yes.
- Would it?
- Yes.
But would it?
I'm proud of the progress
we made here today!
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's going on?
I just wondered if I could
maybe borrow the lawn mower.
Ours doesn't work for some reason.
Yeah, it's in the garage.
Thanks.
Hey, Vanessa.
What?
Remember when I got back,
I used to get mad at you
for mowing the lawn and making ruts?
Yeah.
What I should've said was
"Thank you for mowing the lawn."
Oh.
Okay.
And if you ever want me
to, you know, help out,
it's still our house. I'm
more than happy to mow the lawn.
I appreciate it, but
I kind of like doing it myself.
Cool.
And as a hairdresser,
it's kind of nice to
be cutting something
that doesn't talk back.
All right. I'll just
grab the mower then.
Do you want any help?
No. I got it.