8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e08 Episode Script

1
- Good morning!
- Good morning!
- Happy Thanksgiving, Dad.
- You're in a good mood.
-Well, why wouldn't I be?
I have a lot to be thankful for.
Dad, what the hell are you doing?
-I thought I'd start
Thanksgiving dinner.
I've always wanted to
take a stab at cooking.
Where do you keep the
- Turkeys?
-Aprons. And the turkey.
-You know, Dad, I really
appreciate the gesture, but..
Are you sure you wanna
start something that you've
well, never done before?
-Well, I didn't hear
any complaining
about me babysitting
the kids last night.
-Babysitting? You watched TV.
-Are any of them missing? Any
broken bones? You're welcome.
-Look, Dad, why don't
here sit down.
Why don't you
start slowly by just
helping oh, I got it
Here's a can.
Here's a can opener.
- I'm on it.
Hey, Gramps. Wanna watch
the game with me?
-I can't, Rory. I'm busy
opening a can.
-There, it's done. You
know, after all that,
I may have to
take a little break.
- Mom, are those grocery bags?
- From the grocery store?
-Mom, please tell
me that you're not
planning on cooking
Thanksgiving dinner.
You said we were going to go to
a restaurant for a quick meal.
-Yes, because it didn't seem
right this year, remember?
-Well, you know
I know I said that..
..a couple of days ago,
but then last night..
..I couldn't sleep and..
Suddenly I knew why.
-I know exactly how you feel. I
get up two or
three times a night.
-Thank you, Dad.
But what I meant was..
I suddenly realized that I
could blow off Thanksgiving..
..or I could choose
to enjoy the day.
You know, sometimes
it's four or five
If I drink anything
after three o'clock
in the afternoon
I'm a racehorse.
-Dad, just go open
some more cans.
-Okay, Mom, can we revisit the
'blow off Thanksgiving' thing?
I mean, 'cause we kind of
made a choice to..
..go to a party
after the restaurant.
- On Thanksgiving?
-Technically, it's an
after-Thanksgiving
party. See, the Burgess family..
..eats real, real early
and Amanda's older
brother is coming
home from College..
..and he's bringing a
bunch of friends home,
'cause they can't go
home for the holidays..
.and Amanda gets
to bring a few friends
too, you know,
'cause it makes it even.
So, Mom, it's a major coup
that Kerry even got invited,
and even though you think it's
just 'cause I'm her big sister,
but I have to say I think Kerry
finally made it
on her own merits.
Yay, Kerry!
- Yay, me!
-Well, you know girls, as proud
of you as I am
give me a break.
-But, Mom, we already made
plans with Kyle and Luke.
Look, I'm sorry
but who's Luke?
My safety bad boy.
See, Damian's out
of town and I just
don't want to be
alone on the holidays.
-Still 'no'.
-Look, you guys, I put
a lot of effort into this.
I even have some
surprises planned.
We're gonna have a fun
Thanksgiving. Just family.
-Damn! I spilled it everywhere.
- In theory.
- Fine. -Whatever.
-The doorbell. Gee, I wonder who
that could be on Thanksgiving?
Don't you, Rory?
- I don't know, Mom.
The Thanksgiving Bunny?
Hi, Tommy! What are you doing
here? Would you like to come in?
I don't have time
to come in now, Cate..
..because I'm heading down to the
stadium to see the Lions game.
If only I had someone to take.
Some boy I can't do it, Cate.
Come on kid, you coming or not?
-You got tickets to the Lions
game? Oh, man! Thanks, Mom!
Tommy, thanks.
You're welcome. That'll
be two hundred bucks.
What am I saying? It's
Thanksgiving. One fifty.
Fine, on me.
But he buys his own beer.
-That's going to be
blue in the morning.
-How much to take my dad?
-Hey, girls, listen.
I sent Rory to the football game
because I wanted him to be happy.
And I want you to
be happy, too. So
- So you're gonna
let us go to the party?
Thank you, Mom, thank you!
- Well, no.
But, you can invite
Kyle and 'safety
bad-boy' to have dinner with us.
And guess who else is
joining us? Grandma!
This just
keeps getting better and
better. Thank you, Mom!
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- How cool!
¿How cool? God, are
you out of your mind?
No, no, here's the plan, okay.
We've got the guys in the house.
At the perfect moment
when Mom's in a good mood,
Luke will turn on his charm,
she'll gaze in his
soulful puppy dog
eyes, and then
she'll be mesmerized
and we are so at that ..partyyy.
Okay, Bridget. Please stop
before you say "partyyyy".
I mean, this plan is
- Is all we've got. -Word.
-Come on, third and goal.
Please God, it's third and goal.
-The Lions versus the Packers.
-Were you expecting the
Lions versus the Christians?
-Come on, guys, I'm trying
to watch the game.
-There's no game going on.
All I see are fireworks..
..the giant scoreboard telling
us when to cheer. I mean..
..What the hell was that?
I'm going to go get myself
- Don't forget your diet.
-A carrot. I'm gonna go
get myself a carrot.
Before they stop selling
them at the half. Got it?
- Got it.
You know, I was at the stadium
all the time with your father.
Yeah, me too.
Well, you're the man
of the house, now.
I am?
-It's not just a saying.
All those women in your house,
and no one to keep an eye on 'em.
And your sisters, come on.
Look, see your
dad knew that there
are a lot of creepy
guys out there..
Who are just gonna pounce
on them like wolves.
-Wow, I never
thought of it like that.
-Well not everyone is
sensitive like you or me.
-Hey, look at the jugs on her.
-Mom, it's so good
to have you here.
-Guess who sat next to me
on the plane? An Indian.
I mean, what are the
odds, on Thanksgiving,
that I would be sitting
next to an Indian?
Gram, it's 'Native American.
Oh, God, you
sound just like him.
-You know what,
Grandma, that was a great
story. How 'bout
you finish your coffee.
Mom let's get dinner going.
I'm just very hungry.
-Hey, Dad. Guess who
decided to join us.
- Jim; Hi, kiddo!
- Hey, Gram.
- What kind of charade is this?
- What are you talking about?
This. Just because it's
Thanksgiving you think..
..you can get your mother
and me to reconcile.
- No, I don't.
- Oh; Good.
- So, Rory, how was the game?
- Okay.
You're cooking?
- Don't act so surprised..
..like you've never seen
me in the kitchen before.
- I haven't.
I mean, in all the years
we were married.
No wait; let me be fair.
No. Never.
Cate, let me help.
That's what I came here for.
-Sure, you fly in here one day,
it's easy to look like a hero.
Where were you this morning
when I was opening cans?
He opened cans?
- Alright, you two look.
If you wanna help just come help
me set the table. Come on, Dad.
God, they should be here by now.
Who should?
Kerry, were you
talking to someone?
I didn't hear anybody.
Must be the wind.
Yeah. Blowing through
your empty head.
-Rory, everything you say to me
goes in one ear
and out the other.
-Hey. So you must be Luke.
-Yeah. Is Bridget here?
- So, I see you got a motorcycle.
- Yeah.
Bet you get a lot
of ladies with it.
I do all right.
So, is is Bridget here?
- Right, I have a
message for you..
..from your precious Bridget.
'Thanks for the mono!'
-Mono? No, I don't have mono.
-Well then her message is,
Sorry I gave you 'mono'.
-Oh, man. Now, I gotta
make a lot of calls.
-Child's play.
-I didn't know you
made a pumpkin pie.
-Actually, Dad made that.
-Your dad?
-Yeah, you know, actually, Mom.
Ever since you separated,
he's been doing a lot of things
that are really uncharacteristic.
Like doing laundry and not
smoking in the bathtub.
-That's nice.
-He's seeing someone, isn't he?
-No! Why, Mom, do you care?
No! Of course I don't care.
-Has he been whistling? Because
that's a sure sign
he's getting some.
-Ma', just so you know, I
will never be old enough..
..for us to have
this conversation.
Rory, you're gonna build a fire?
It's a little cold in here.
- Yeah. -Atta boy.
Are you sure you opened the flue?
- Yes, Grandpa, I'm sure.
I watched my dad make
fires all the time.
-You're using a starter log?
Sort of cheating, isn't it?
-Yeah, well fire's come a
long way since your day.
-Yeah, you know what
else we had in my day?
A leather strap and a woodshed.
- So Luke's not here yet?
- No. He hasn't shown up.
I don't know what
happened to him, God.
-Now we're going to be
stuck here all night.
Our plan has gone awry.
- 'Awry'?
Yeah, I know big words, too.
You make the fire.
- No, you make it.
- No, you make it.
No alright, I'll make it.
- Fine.
Kerry, honey,
Would you go get your
grandpa a nice sweater?
Hey.
- Hey, Kyle, what
are you doing here?
-Oh, Kerry called me and invited
me over for a little turkey.
And then when
Luke gets here, we're
gonna sneak out over
to Amanda's party.
How awesome is that?
- Pretty awesome.
Wanna go toss the football?
- Sure.
-Go long! Longer! Longer!
Wow, I didn't think
that was possible.
Hey, have you seen Kyle?
Yeah, he's about two
blocks away, waving his arms.
What?
- I threw him out.
- Rory Hennessey,
I am gonna kill you!
What did he do to you?
- Shannon told Jenna told
Courtney from first period..
..not Courtney from gym
class because Shannon
and Courtney from gym
class hate each other..
..because Shannon
innocently pointed out that.
Courtney's boobs are
two totally different..
..in front of someone
who blabs, well,
me.. that you told
Luke that I had mono!!
- What's this about mono?
- Well, this little slug..
..threw both of our
boyfriends out even
though they were
officially invited!
They were gonna sneak out!
- Can somebody please,
tell me what happened?
Well, Jenna told Shannon
who told Courtney
Mom!
We have to fix this now.
No, no. You're not
going anywhere!
We're gonna have dinner
in a few minutes! Fix what?
-The girls are scamming us, Cate.
-What did you just call me?
Jim, don't just sit there. Help!
Money, money. Who wants money?
-No, no, we don't do that here.
We'll just hook up with
them after we eat turkey.
- Hook up with who?
Wait a minute. Shouldn't we
be smelling turkey right now?
God.
Oh, this thing is
nowhere near done.
Alright, we're not having dinner
for another couple of hours.
A couple of hours?
We don't have a couple of hours!
Yes you do. Family meeting!
What? Forget you and your
stupid family meeting!
-Alright, now that is enough!
Now, all I wanted was a nice
Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.
Is that too much to ask?
- Don't worry, Cate.
I'll handle the girls. -What?!
- Back me up on this!
-Alright. Everybody out of here;
I need to talk to Rory.
Did you see how
they speak to me?
Sit.
Alright, what is going on
with you and your sisters?
- Come on.
- I was trying to protect them.
Well that's sweet.
I was afraid they were going
to turn into big fat whores.
- Okay, not so sweet.
- How come?
Well, at the football game, Tommy
said I was the man of the house.
So?
-Well, when Dad
used to cover the.
Tigers' away games
when I was little..
..he'd always say,
'While I'm gone,
Ror, you're the
man of the house.
But he'd always come back
and I'm just afraid that..
..if I don't fill his shoes, the
girls are gonna
turn into big, fat
- I know..
..I know.
Honey, your job is to be
a fourteen-year-old kid..
..and kind of a pain in the ass.
I can do that.
- You're great at that.
Don't take on
this responsibility.
You're the son. I'm the parent.
I'll handle the girls.
-So, as a parent
who has it 'handled'..
..you do realize that while we're
having this touchy-feely..
..mother-son moment, the girls
snuck out to Amanda's party.
- ¡¡Right..!!
-Momma 'H' in the house!
-We'll just be in
the other room..
..having a
non-alcoholic beverage.
- Thanks a lot, guys.
-I can't believe
that you girls would
pull a stunt like this
on Thanksgiving.
I have been in that kitchen
all day preparing dinner..
..your Grandma
flew in from Florida..
..and your Grandpa
even made a pie.
I told you, you weren't
going to this party!
- We know, Mom.
But don't you understand?
This is the first Thanksgiving
-I don't care that this
is the first Thanksg!
Alright, look..
..I'm gonna let you
in on a little secret.
I've been doing my best today,
but this is no
picnic for me either.
The truth is I don't
know what I'm doing..
..I'm just making
this up as I go along..
And something just tells me
that the right thing to do..
..is for us to have
dinner in our home at
our dining room
table, with our family..
..even if this is the first
Thanksgiving without your father.
-That was really nice, Mom.
But what I was gonna say was
this is the first
Thanksgiving that I
actually got invited
to Amanda's party
and I really want to be here.
- Yeah. Me, too.
But, Mom, what you
said was really beautiful.
- Yes.
- Ahh..
- Mom, why are you laughing?
-Mom, you're losing it. In front
of our college friends.
All I wanted was to have
a normal Hennessy Thanksgiving.
..And I just realized I got it.
With my teenage daughters trying
to ditch me to go to a party.
What could be more normal?
-I'm so glad we could
make it so special.
-Well, bye.
-Oh, no. You're grounded.
Now, get your things, let's go.
And hurry up or
I'll embarrass you.
-Bridget, Kerry sorry
I ruined your plans.
-Dance, monkey, dance!!
Girls, let go of him.
God, how much
product do you use?
Alright, come on;
everybody help me
get into the dining
room. Come on!
-What?
- Dad, you're whistling.
- I'm happy. -Aww.
-Your mother wants to know if
you guys are ready to eat.
Since it's only eight o'clock
at night, I wasn't sure.
- Dad?
- Yeah, what honey?
It's going to get easier, right?
That's what I'm hoping.
-Yeah, I just want
to get all these
'firsts' over as
fast as possible.
-Well, you got a lot of
firsts to look forward to.
You got the first graduation,
the first wedding..
..the first
grandchild provided
that comes after
the first wedding.
-You know, Dad, you turned
out to be a pretty great guy.
Here comes your mother.
Say that again!
I hope everyone's
worked up an appetite.
- This just looks wonderful.
Thanks for going
to all this trouble.
- Honey, it was no trouble.
In fact, your father actually
helped me. He opened a few cans.
- I've been working on myself.
- I'll say.
-It turned out to be a pretty
good Thanksgiving after all.
-Grandma's touching
grandpa's cheek?
-Three kinds of potatoes! Anyone
heard of Atkins in this family?
-Did you know the human body has
twenty-seven feet of intestines?
I plan to fill every
inch of them.
- Gross.
- Gross, Rory.
-Well, Dad, here you go.
-Rory? Would you do the honor?
Rory! Stop it!
- Come on, we have enough!
Rory, come on!
Rory, you missed
a little on this side.
Rory!
OOo