FUBAR (2023) s02e08 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
- I gotta call the White House!
- I thought DEFCON 1 was good.
DEFCON 5 is good. DEFCON 1 is Armageddon.
Barry, sitrep now.
The missile launch system
must have a failsafe.
It assumes if the nation loses power,
it's because we're under nuclear attack.
Moscow is going
totally völlig verrückt right now.
Their spy satellites
see that your ICBMs are primed
and will ready their own.
This was Cress' plan all along.
He never cared
about knocking out the power.
He he just wanted to start
a nuclear Armageddon.
This is Cress' radical reset
to wipe out 90% of the population.
[Greta] Luke, you you have to believe me,
I didn't know that any of this
was going to happen.
- I believe you.
- Why do you believe her?
She's the reason we're in this position.
Because I know her heart.
If we survive this,
I'm locking her ass up.
Reed, call Moscow right now
and let them know what's going on.
The White House and the Pentagon
cannot get through to the Kremlin.
Cress must be jamming
communications somehow.
The Russians aren't gonna sit around
and wait for our missiles to launch.
They're gonna strike first.
[Reed] Their ambassador said
the same thing.
He's giving us 30 minutes
before their patience and trust runs out,
then the fireworks start.
- What about NORAD?
- [Reed] They're running a system reset.
It'll take 'em an hour.
By then, we'll all be glowing.
So that's it?
I never got to see Shreveport.
- What's in Shreveport?
- Titties?
You said that you worked with my father
on the Y2K bug, right?
And he said that the United Kingdom,
they they put in a backdoor
to the nuclear operation system,
just in case everything just went bonkers
at the turn of the century.
But the States, I mean, you must've
done something similar, surely.
We did. We created our own backdoor
so we can shut down the missiles
in case of an emergency.
There were four operatives
that were given the password.
- I'm the only one still alive.
- I'll patch you into NORAD now.
No, no. The password is keyed to my voice,
so it has to be done in person.
We don't have time to go to NORAD.
We just have to get to the closest silo
because they're all hardwired together.
Once I get into the backdoor,
I can go and stand down
all of the missiles.
I got 450 missile silos
within a five-state radius.
There's one 14 miles from there.
I'm gonna regret it,
but I'll get you clearance.
- Let's hit it. Come on.
- [Chips] Let's go.
Come on. Go. Go.
[music fades]
[Aldon] B, I'm just a few streets away.
You got an update on the address?
Um
[melancholy music playing]
We should have an answer soon.
Tina just walked in.
Hang tight, bro. This one's gonna sting.
[exhales]
[keyboard clacking]
[computer beeps]
Foreign operative Mukerji,
we've tracked Dante Cress
via his IP address to this street.
Metadata from your cell phone says
that you've been in the vicinity before.
Which one of these houses is his?
Tell us, and we can see
what we can do about your charges.
Give me five minutes with her,
and she'll tell me everything she knows.
Oh my.
[melancholy music continues]
I know you say you don't love me
or care about any of us,
but I don't believe that you're so cold
that you're willing
to live through a nuclear winter.
Our missiles are primed to launch,
and Cress is jamming
our communications with Russia.
That's why we need to find him
and stop him from doing that,
so we can communicate to your homeland
that we are not about to attack them
so they don't preemptively attack us.
[music ends]
Please, Tina.
The house set back from the road.
[inhales] Aldon, did you get that?
[Aldon] Yeah,
the house set back from the road.
But my handler, Mikhail Volek,
will be there.
- [keyboard clacking]
- [ominous music playing]
- Your boss is Dante Cress?
- All I know is he's a liar.
He told me everything we did,
we did for Russia.
But it appears he was Cress all along.
He had me protecting him.
He ordered me to prevent the team
from tracking down Cress.
That's why I held on to the BlackBerry.
I came to America to gather intel,
not die here.
Sucks to be lied to, huh?
[laptop closes]
Aldon is never going to stop Cress
and open communication
with the Russians in time.
[hesitating] Uh, where are you going?
- If you must know
- Yes.
To call the woman I love.
Hello, Mother, it's Marcus.
I've got some very bad news.
Hey, let's not get negative.
Luke's got this.
I can't remember the password.
- What?
- Are you joking me?
This is why I bought you fish oil.
Fish oil always makes
my burps smell funny.
Listen, old man,
I don't wanna die because your brain's
clogged with schnitzel
and World War II documentaries.
Don't worry, love.
We'll help you.
[Emma] Ugh.
[sighs] Look, I'm sure
that I will remember it
by the time we get to the silo.
You think so?
- Because we're here.
- [dramatic music playing]
Oh God.
Yeah.
Oh shit.
We're getting everything
set up for you, sir. Through here.
[tense music playing]
- We got eyes on the inside.
- Aren't ICBM facilities air-gapped?
Mission control, yes.
Security cameras, no.
[music intensifies]
That's a Titan II. I thought
they replaced that with the Minutemen.
Not all of them. This silo
hasn't been upgraded since the early '80s.
We're still using computers
with floppy disks in the control room.
Only NORAD has machines
with voice recognition.
That's why we're hacking into the missile.
[computer beeps]
Okay, Dad. It's showtime.
Dig deep. [exhales]
We need total recall.
- [music fades]
- [sighs]
- [Emma sighs]
- Ah, shit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, mate. Look, you can do it.
Was it a numerical code?
Was it was it a word?
[Luke] No, we were able
to just make it up.
I think it was in the zeitgeist back then.
It it was something
that people said all the time.
- Was it "talk to the hand"?
- No.
- "Don't go there"?
- No.
- "The tribe has spoken"?
- "Tabasco my asshole"?
Nobody said that.
It was something visual.
- A movie. "May the force be with you."
- No.
- "I'll be back."
- No.
- "I'm the king of the world."
- No.
"Do I make you horny?"
A little.
But I'm trying to focus here, Mrs. B.
It's a commercial!
- "Got milk?"
- "I can't believe it's not butter!"
- "Where's the beef?"
- "Yo quiero Taco Bell."
No, it's none of that.
- [gun fires]
- [groans]
How about
"I've fallen, and I can't get up"?
[Roo] That was the '80s.
And you should focus on killing Cress
or Volek or whatever his name is.
We're running out of time here.
[Roo] Come on, big guy.
Just remember that shit,
I'll buy you a case of IPAs, and we can
celebrate saving the world together.
Beer!
It's a it's a beer commercial.
I got it.
Just speak the password here, sir.
What's up?
[airman] Have to say it louder, sir.
- What's up?
- Say it like you mean it, man.
Say it like the world is depending on you.
Whassup?!
[computer processing]
- You're in.
- What?
Yeah!
[Roo]That worked?
All we need to do now
is just enter some basic commands,
and I can get us back to DEFCON 5.
What about the other 449 land-based ICBMs?
See this red comm cable?
Any command sent through this missile
will relay it to every nuke on US soil.
[upbeat music building, ends]
Still ten minutes till we switch shifts.
[gun fires]
[door closes]
[gun clatters]
- [line ringing]
- [phone chimes]
[Aldon] Hey, Barry,
what what am I looking at here?
[Barry] Well, it looks like
satellite flight paths.
- Those are DSCS satellites.
- You know that?
Everyone in Russian intel knows
that we attach spy hubs to your sats.
That's how I knew about the extra weight
on the satellite Barry was trying to hit.
When you saved me?
When I saved the asset
I worked so hard to compromise, yes.
But Volek seems
to have reprogrammed the hubs
to change them
from spying on communications
to blocking communications.
Okay, but how do we turn
these little spy boxes off?
[grunts]
[Aldon groans]
Volek.
Shit. Barry, how long
until backup gets to Aldon?
Too long.
[panting]
My team is closing in on you.
You're good as dead, Volek.
Or should I say Cress?
If you had backup, they'd already be here.
You came alone.
You crazy Americans, huh?
All want to be cowboys.
- And I'm not Dante Cress.
- [music builds, ends]
[gun cocks]
But I am.
[dramatic music playing]
You sneaky little shit.
All warfare is based on deception.
That was you on the voice box.
Actually, it was Volek
reading off a script that I gave him
after things went south at Beaumont Lake.
And I thought we could trust you.
Live and learn, mate. Live and learn.
Drop your guns.
Guns down.
[gun clatters]
Raise your hands, or this young lady dies.
Chips, do not shoot that airman.
As you wish, m'lady.
[airman groans]
[body thuds]
[tense music playing]
Do you now realize
the severity of the situation?
Luke, finish accessing missile control.
Now!
[keyboard clacking]
We're already inside.
At least you get to die
with your boots on,
just like John Wayne.
- [Tally] Barry, do something.
- Like what?
[Volek] Look at you.
You American, you get so used to winning.
But now, it's Volek's time.
The little boy from Tolyatti,
kept from the highest ranks of the SVR
by internal politics and petty grudges,
shows them all
by helping to reset this world
and claiming all of the motherland
and Asia as his prize.
A Cinderella story!
Do you believe in miracles, huh?
- Yeah!
- [engine revving]
[Hamsteak squealing]
[tires squealing]
[Hamsteak snorts]
Hamsteak, you can drive?
[Barry] No, Aldon.
I hacked the car's self-driving system.
You can talk?
Well, it seems like Aldon
will live to see the bombs fall.
If he finds the shelter in the basement
that Volek was gonna ride out
the nuclear storm in,
then, ugh, I'm gonna have to kill him too.
Oh well, future problems.
Speaking of the future,
Emma, I actually
still do have feelings for you.
I do.
Why don't you come with me?
We'll repopulate the world, together.
With sex.
I'd rather die.
Then I'll sadly grant your wish.
[menacing music playing]
You know, Luke, your admiration
for my father was reciprocated.
He told me all about you,
your escapades and your
forbidden relationship with Greta.
You were legendary.
I learned all about your Y2K work
and how, just like Britain,
America created a backdoor into the system
as a precaution in case, you know,
the computers misbehave on New Year's Eve.
And since you're the only one
still left alive who can access it,
I joined up with Greta.
Came to you with my pedigree,
my sad little story.
She fell for it, as you all did.
I knew once Greta's name popped up
that the CIA would be drawn in.
And inevitably you,
and eventually, we'd end up here,
and you giving me access
to the missile system.
You know my reputation, Luke.
Dante Cress always thinks ten moves ahead.
Stop that son of a bitch.
- Doesn't he need launch codes?
- Launch codes are for a remote launch.
He's hardwired right into the missile,
so he can just enter a launch command.
Officer Reese, you need to shut down
the communication blocks on this satellite
so we can tell the Russians to stand down.
I can understand Russian, sir,
but I still can't understand
any of this shit.
It's just jamming software.
I can talk you through it.
[dramatic music playing]
- The command code is in, and send.
- [keyboard clacking]
[beeping]
[Roo] Ha!
Your launch order never left
the building, fish 'n' dicks.
[beeping, chimes]
That may be so,
but it did send to this one, so
- [missile door opening]
- [automated voice] Fueling commenced.
[dramatic music playing]
Shit.
Russia will see it coming,
she'll retaliate,
then America will fire back,
and all will be beautiful.
Too bad you won't live to see it.
You know, these silos,
they have fallout shelters.
It wasn't my original idea,
but it'll suffice.
Right, but you'd have to get through us
to get to it, and that's not happening.
"You know, amidst the chaos,
there's always opportunity."
Captain Kangaroo.
That's Sun Tzu, idiot.
Agree to disagree.
[tense music playing]
[Luke groans]
- Dad!
- Don't worry about me.
I have to figure out
how to stop the missile from launching.
You guys handle that.
I'm going after Chips.
[grunts]
[Emma grunts]
[machine whirring]
This thing's fried.
We won't be able to stop the launch.
Maybe we can stop it fueling.
Give her a hand while Greta and I try
to figure out how to disarm the warhead.
[Roo] Copy that.
- How long do we have?
- [Reed] Standard is T-minus five minutes.
You've already burned
close to 20% of that.
Barry, send me the schematics
to my phone, now.
Aldon, update.
Putting in Barry's codes,
hoping for the best.
- [gun firing]
- [bullets ricocheting]
[door creaking]
- [gun firing]
- Emma, be careful!
[laughing]
Worried about his child.
Must be nice to have a father like that.
[bullets ricocheting]
[bullets ricocheting]
[Emma] Look, I get it.
Your dad died for no good reason.
But you can't kill
billions of people because of it.
You know,
I wasn't completely honest with you, Emma.
Yes, I was shot,
and yes, I was crying out in pain.
But my father was more concerned
about me giving up our position,
so he tried to smother me.
My own father tried to smother me.
And I fought back.
With the little strength that I had left,
I fought back,
and I reached out, and I strangled him.
I strangled my hero to death
with my bare hands.
And we looked into each other's eyes
in disbelief that it was happening.
The rest of what I told you is true.
You know, it was a mission
to cover up a sex scandal,
which, it turns out,
my father knew about, by the way.
You know, he was willing to kill me
to protect some
some wanker fucking politician
because the government
had given him orders.
You know I [breathing heavily]
I loved him.
I worshiped him, and he
I meant nothing to him.
You were betrayed and hurt.
You don't end the world over it.
No, no, no.
That's actually exactly what you do.
What kind of world do we live in
where a father murders his own boy,
a boy who adores him,
just to keep gossip out of The Mirror?
- Yeah, that's pretty fucked up.
- The world is a cesspool.
You need someone
to shake the Etch A Sketch.
Come on.
Shake it with me, baby.
One last chance.
[bullets ricocheting]
I'll take that as a no.
[tense music playing]
[exhales] Second stage tank is fueled,
but if we can shut it off
before the first stage fills,
that'll stop the countdown.
- How do we do it?
- Uh, that wheel.
[grunts]
It's stuck.
Hasn't been upgraded since the early '80s.
[Roo] If we live through this,
I'm gonna send a strongly worded letter
to my congressperson.
[grunts] Give me a hand.
[both grunting]
I'm pretty strong.
[automated voice] Fueling complete.
[tense music playing]
It's happening. It's happening!
Damn it.
Oh shit, you're alive.
[airman moaning]
Got my collarbone, missed my heart.
But my leg's broken.
[Emma exhales]
- Come with me. Come on, hurry.
- [groaning]
[airman grunting]
- [Emma exhales]
- [groans]
- You have your ID?
- Yeah. [exhales]
[door access beeping]
- Stay here. I will get you help.
- Okay.
[grunts, panting]
[exhales]
Okay, remove red panel marked "caution."
These are my least favorite
kind of panels.
Are they trained in nuclear physics
or something?
[chuckles] No, Mrs. Brunner.
A conventional explosive device
starts the whole nuclear chain reaction.
It's just like that bomb that we disarmed
on that yacht in Monaco.
Afterwards, we were all alone on the boat,
and we made love
on the deck under the stars.
Sex on a boat.
Must be his thing.
[automated voice] Three minutes to launch.
There's a red and a blue.
Okay, I'll take the red. It's closer.
All right.
- We cut on three. One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
- [powers down]
- [music ends]
Warhead deactivated.
- [upbeat music plays]
- [Luke exhales]
- Aldon, are you done?
- [tense music plays]
We need to let Russia know
that we're shooting blanks.
Yes. Phone lines are open
and operators are standing by.
Calling it in now.
[bullets ricocheting]
[gun firing]
[automated voice] Two minutes to launch.
- This isn't over.
- Why not?
Let me guess,
the Russians didn't believe you.
It doesn't matter
we deactivated the warhead.
The Russians will think
it's an operable nuke.
The minute it leaves our airspace,
the Kremlin will retaliate.
What about Tina? She's one of them.
They'll listen to her.
She's in our custody. The Russians
will assume she's being coerced.
Gotta figure out something quick, boss.
This bird flies in 90 seconds.
Seconds, that's it. The second stage.
- I think I'm following you, Greta.
- What the hell is she talking about?
The missile, it has two engines.
The first-stage engine acts as a booster
and gets it airborne.
After a few minutes, that stage falls off.
Then the second stage takes over
and flies the missile to its target.
The first stage of electronics
is too high up. It cannot be reached.
But the second stage of wiring
is just five feet above you.
Disable it,
and the missile will still launch,
but it won't leave our airspace.
It'll drop back to the ground
like a disarmed dud of a bottle rocket.
Seventy seconds.
Less verbiage, more sabotage.
It'll take at least 90 seconds
to disable it all.
Then I have to go on a ride.
- No!
- No!
- [music fades]
- It's the only way, and you know it.
We don't have enough time to argue.
Is there enough time for one last kiss?
[dramatic music playing]
- [music building]
- [grunts] Goodbye, Luke.
[tense music playing]
[grunting]
Greta! Get out of there!
It's too late for that, Liebling.
You have so much to live for.
- Your family, your team.
- [dramatic music playing]
I know that you love me, Luke,
but you're not in love with me.
You lied to me to save the world,
but you love Tally.
I could see it in your eyes.
You've always loved her,
and you always will.
You're gonna die!
But not
[inhales, exhales]
Not in vain.
I guess you're right.
I do have goodness in my heart.
I think you put it there.
Hate to interrupt the goodbye,
but according to the lovely Airman Mendez,
at T-minus 15 seconds,
the blast doors will automatically close
and anyone left out there in the silo
will end up well done.
Copy.
[somber music playing]
[button clicks]
[tense music playing]
[gun firing]
Shit.
Emma, get the hell out of there.
Twenty seconds.
[gun firing]
Goodbye, my love.
Fifteen seconds.
[both grunting]
[automated voice] Blast doors secure. Ten
- Emma!
- Emma!
- nine, eight
- Come on, say something.
- I'm okay.
- seven
six,
five,
four,
three,
two
[Chips screaming]
[beeping]
[dramatic music playing]
The red line marks the edge
of US airspace.
If your lady friend can't keep
that missile from crossing that line
We are all totally fluffed.
Look who I found.
Nice. Where's your boyfriend?
Seared into the launch pad.
Barbecue Chips.
Tell them tell them
we're trying to disable it.
Tell them not to launch.
Greta, can you hear me?
You can do this.
First-stage booster empty and detaching.
Second booster rocket
should take over now.
[suspenseful music playing]
[music building]
[beeping]
[music fades]
The missile failed!
[beeps]
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- [chuckles]
- Oh my God!
- Yes!
- [triumphant music playing]
[laughing]
Yes! Hammy.
- Yes!
- [Hamsteak snorts]
- [music fades]
- You like Cheesecake Factory?
["Buffalo Stance" by James Elkington,
Nathan Salsburg playing]
I'll do it, Dad.
[door creaking]
[keypad beeping]
[line ringing]
Director Reed.
Uh, yes, sir.
I have visual confirmation.
Greta Nelso did not survive impact.
Official status is KIA.
Copy that.
[Emma grunts, exhales]
[Greta grunts]
[Luke] Greta!
You're alive!
Hello, Liebling.
Sorry for the theatrics. I couldn't
get the door open from the inside.
How is this possible?
Oh, this is the stuff
that clogs up the turbines at the dam.
[Greta] Impact absorbing,
originally engineered by DARPA
to stop suicide bombers,
wrapped around me.
Took the brunt of the impact.
A few cracked ribs, still standing.
You are the best operative
I've ever known.
Well, I think this is the end
of Greta Nelso, the spy.
I've got 500 million reasons to move on.
- Well, I'm always here if you need me.
- [Greta] I know.
Goodbye, love.
You will always be my best of times.
And and thank you for not
How did you put it?
Not locking my ass up?
Saving my friends, my family,
and about eight billion people
earns you
a get-out-of-jail-free card, I guess.
[Greta] Mmm.
Keep an eye on your old man for me.
[Emma sighs]
And you thought I was compromised.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
I really struggled with what to do.
I I went back and forth on the decision,
and in the end, I chose work over family,
which is the same thing
I constantly give you shit for.
- I was stupid.
- No, you weren't stupid.
You had good reasons
to believe that I was compromised.
And you did what you did
in order to protect others.
But when it came down to it
and the world was in jeopardy
and Reed asked you to shoot Greta,
you sided with me.
And you saved countless lives.
So you chose work and family.
Which is something
that I never could have done.
Thanks.
But hold on.
Why did you say
that I had good reason
to believe you were compromised?
Oh, about that.
Your mother and I may have put on an act.
[Dr. Pfeffer] Okay, everyone
Everyone, take a breath.
I have something to say,
and it's going to be
a little hard to swallow.
but you need to hear it.
Simply put, your relationship is over.
- You're out of your mind.
- [Dr. Pfeffer] No, no, no.
I'm not saying you should actually
end the relationship.
Just pretend to.
I've been working on this for 15 years
to get this woman back.
[Dr. Pfeffer] I know, but there's
another woman in your life now,
and according to you,
she's the greatest spy you've ever known.
One with impeccable skills
and no weakness.
Save for one.
You.
How does us breaking up
help him defeat Greta?
If Greta thinks that there's even
the tiniest sliver of hope
of getting back together with you,
then maybe you, her one true love,
can talk her into things.
Such as not destroying the world
so the two of you
can live together happily in it.
But it can't come from you.
She has to hear about it secondhand,
from somebody she's trusted before.
- Chips.
- Exactly.
And he's MI6, the son of a master spy,
so he'll instantly pick up on insincerity
if everybody around him
is trying to sell him on something.
So all the others have to fully believe
we're broken up too.
Bingo.
[intriguing music playing]
[Tally] Hmm.
Wait till you see how hard I can throw.
So you and Mom are still
More in love than ever.
[chuckles]
Now, Schatzel, you know I don't think
there's any man ever good enough for you.
But should you ever find
that special someone,
I hope that they are capable
of that complete and unselfish love
that your mother gives me.
I hope so too.
- Wasn't your mother fantastic?
- Yeah.
Huh? I mean she could have been a spy.
She was badass.
You know I always wondered
where I got it from.
[Luke] Oh.
[in German] Wise ass.
[in English] Oh, stop. [laughing]
["North Side Gal" by JD McPherson playing]
I pull a mad scheme
All around the north side ♪
We did it, my old friend.
Every time I try ♪
There you go. This is perfect.
crazy 'bout a north side gal ♪
Aldon?
I got some good talk ♪
I've been meaning to commend you.
From all accounts, you've become
a caring and attentive father to Hamsteak.
You've shown tremendous growth.
Thank you, Dr. P.
You know when he went back
into that meatpacking plant
and then almost got shot,
I truly felt for the first time
in my whole life
what it really means to care for something
so much more than I care for myself,
and all the fear and the pain
and the vulnerability that come with it.
I am so proud of you.
You have made a wonderful breakthrough.
And what's your takeaway
from that experience?
- Oh, it sucks.
- Huh?
Yeah, it sucks giant putrid ass.
Not for me, no way. I am never
putting myself through that again.
I'm going back to worrying about
three people,
me, myself, and Aldon.
But what about Hamsteak?
Gave him away.
Yeah.
Heart of steel.
Didn't even bother me.
Hopefully the pig learned something.
[Donnie] Oh.
They're called neuticals.
Frankly, they look a heck of a lot better
than before. You want to see?
[spluttering] I do not.
But, uh, congratulations. Proud of you.
- [softly] I do love them.
- [softly] Oh good.
And thank you
for not letting those bikers kill me.
- You're a good friend.
- No, I told you we are not
You know what?
I think we are maybe pretty good friends.
- Hell yeah!
- There you go.
Exactly, just like Franklin and Bash.
Yeah, maybe next,
we should start a law firm.
Franklin and Bash are lawyers?
Uh
Crazy 'bout a north side gal ♪
Now listen, doc,
I know I've been hard on you
ever since you came around.
Mmm. Yes, you called me soda names.
- I mean
- I know.
I'm very protective
of my family and my friends.
You were kind of like an outsider.
But I just wanted you to know
I think the world of you.
Could have never gone through this
tremendously challenging time without you.
You've been a tremendous asset
to our team.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much for that.
You know, I've never actually been
a part of a team before.
I never even got picked in gym class.
Their loss.
Thank you for everything.
Okay.
All of 'em try ♪
They're crazy 'bout a north side gal ♪
Well, I said
They're crazy 'bout a north side gal ♪
[song ends]
Sorry, I'm sorry to ruin the fun,
but I have news
that I think you'll all want to hear.
Got off the horn with the 7th floor.
Dante Cress has been officially classified
as neutralized, as has Greta.
The threat to the electrical grid
is no more.
I also have this.
Putt, if you will.
[phone ringing]
Thank you.
It was anonymously dropped off
this morning.
Forensics have been all over it,
but they found jack.
[computer beeps]
The individuals being killed here
have one thing in common.
Our intel shows they all purchased
your private information from Boro.
We don't know who's behind the killings,
but to get it done this fast
and efficiently,
they had to have connections
and a lot of money.
- Yeah, 500 million.
- Greta.
And now, I have one last thing for you.
[computer chimes]
Hi, Meemaw. Hi, Pee-Pa.
Someone else also wants to say hi.
My baby.
- Yes, thattaboy. Good boy.
- [Hamsteak snorts]
Thank you, Uncle Aldon, for Hamsteak.
I love him so much.
So do I.
[Hamsteak snorting]
Bye, pal.
Also, the man from Pee-Pa's work
says we can all go home now.
- [Barry] What?
- [Carter exclaims]
- [Carter] Back to normal!
- It's true!
[Carter] Back to normal!
- Hey!
- Hey, buddy!
Oh yeah.
- Ah.
- [Donnie laughing]
Hold up. Hold up. Unfortunately,
not everyone can go home.
We got a call from the FBI.
Mr. Luna, Mr. Perlmutter,
is it possible you did something to anger
the biker gang known as Azrael's Knights?
- No.
- We might have killed one of them.
- What?
- [Carter] Was an accident.
- I was on PCP.
- I'm only human.
PCP?
Well, that guy is the nephew of a very
high-ranking member of that organization,
and now there's a million-dollar bounty
on your heads.
- The air conditioner fell on his head.
- Yes!
And I am not going back
to that safe house.
Well, you're in luck.
Azrael's Knights have chapters
in every state.
There's not a place in America
that's safe for you.
We've arranged for you to hide out
at a CIA listening post
in Saqqaq, Greenland.
We believe we can resolve the biker threat
within the next 48 months.
- Okay, we can do this.
- Yeah.
Four four to eight months?
Forty-eight months.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
This is Reed.
Ooh! Forty-eight months?
You're gonna need this, my friend.
Space Juggs lead to space tugs,
so have fun.
Let's not end this on a downer.
I have a big surprise.
Come on in.
What's this?
[Luke] I'm gonna retire.
Again.
And Tally and I, we're gonna sail
around the world with my ship.
- [Tally exhales]
- [Luke chuckles]
Finally, right?
[Luke laughs]
Retirement?
- Are you sure?
- 100%.
[Tally] I know, it's happening.
I'm not sure what this team
will be like without you.
I'm more worried about
what the team is gonna do without you
because I heard
you were accepted in Unit 9.
So congratulations.
Um, thanks.
Uh, I turned it down.
Why? That's what you always wanted.
Yeah. I mean, I I thought so.
But this group, these guys
I mean, they'll need at least one Brunner
to keep them in line.
Yeah.
[Barry] No crunchies?
They're for children.
- I hate you.
- Why don't you order it next time?
- Maybe I will.
- Well, will you?
Bad news.
We just learned the Great Dane
is in Russian custody.
He was picked up in Alaska
to see what he knows,
which now they realize is nothing.
- I could've told you that.
- They'll make a trade for Tina.
- They want their asset back.
- Could they just keep him?
Tally, this is my fault.
I should've made sure he comes home safe.
So I go and do the trade.
It's my last mission.
No one left behind.
Except me. I'm out of here.
I'm going back to Toledo
where I don't have to deal with yahoos
crashing a spaceship
and destroying multiple power plants,
and a, oh, yeah, nuclear Armageddon.
You're Roo's problem now.
She's your new director.
Yes! Fuck yeah.
Whoo!
All right, Farkas, go get my office chair.
Yes, ma'am.
Roo, you're the boss,
so you tell Luke he's not going anywhere.
[Roo] Mmm. Uh-uh.
Tally
No. No, you just had a bullet
taken out of your arm.
We're gonna go home.
I'm gonna take care of you,
and you're gonna rest.
That's it and that's all.
- She's right, Luke.
- Hey, I can run it, big guy.
It's an easy prisoner swap.
No fuss, no muss.
Oh, so you all want me
to just blow off this mission
so that I get taken care of
and babied by my ex-wife?
Yeah.
Well, that doesn't bode well
with me, all right?
On the other hand,
getting babied by my fiancée
[exhales]
You know, I've never stopped
being in love with you,
and I'm not gonna mess it up this time.
So, Tally,
will you do me the honor
and be my wife, again?
[breathing shakily] Yes.
[Emma laughs]
Now I get to ruin their wedding.
["North Side Gal" playing]
[both chuckle]
Let's do it again.
[Emma] Yay, you guys!
- Wow.
- Come on.
- Yes.
- Congratulations.
[song ends]
[phone ringing]
Hey. Getting a pick-me-up before you head
to Finland to get the Dane?
Yep. You comin'?
Uh, no. No, I'm I'm gonna help my mom
with something.
[Aldon sighs]
[coffee pouring]
You okay? You don't seem like
your usual rizzy self.
Eh I miss my pig.
When you really care for someone,
it's hard to let them go.
Anyway, I'll see you around.
Yeah, okay.
Aldon, do you maybe wanna grab dinner
when you're back?
[mellow music playing]
Yeah, I'd love that.
I could use a good friend hang.
Moderne Barn? I love their dumplings.
Sounds great.
Okay.
[insects chirping]
[door closes]
[door closes]
[in Russian] You first.
[door opens]
[Great Dane] This doesn't look like
Euro Disney.
Aldon! What's up, man?
It's so good to see you guys.
He told me we were going to Euro Disney,
and I was like, "What? That place sucks."
You got a wicked sense of humor, Vlad.
You're a real prankster.
Bring it in. Give me that tight tight.
All right, Barry our turn.
[Great Dane chanting] Prisoner swap!
Prisoner swap!
Prisoner swap!
[melancholy music playing]
[Barry] This is it.
You are leaving forever.
Tell me it all wasn't a lie.
Barry, I've got four other guys
in Europe just like you.
They all think I'm their true love.
You need to stop being a fool.
[dramatic music playing]
Hope you brought some 2-ply
'cause they only got single.
[Great Dane laughing]
What's up?
What up, dork?
Prisoner swap!
Prisoner swap!
Prisoner swap!
I'm so sorry this is happening, Carter.
This is not what anyone wanted.
But, you know, for what it's worth,
I think you're gonna be great out there.
Think of it as an adventure.
I wish I'd never met you.
Donnie, I'm really sorry
it turned out this way.
I truly loved you, once.
You're the worst person in the world.
[fisherman] Stop gabbing.
This is a workin' boat.
Head below and grab your gear.
I-- You really couldn't
have got us an airplane?
Go!
Have fun. [chuckles softly]
Hey, the, uh, comrades filled me in
on the whole Tina situation.
And, you know,
just so you know, for what it's worth,
you don't need that red widow.
She's not even a good spy.
My sources said that half the intel
she gave her handlers
was inaccurate information.
- What do you mean?
- Like how you smuggled me into Greece?
Apparently, she reported to the SVR
that you were in Papua New Guinea.
[Aldon] That doesn't make sense.
She knew where we were.
She worked with Barry that whole mission.
She was also talking about
some honeypot in Uzbekistan.
We never went to Uzbekistan.
That was Moldova.
She loves me!
She was giving them
chicken feed to protect us!
Why did she say she never loved you?
So it wouldn't hurt when she left.
It still did though.
Like when Charlie told Bumblebee
she didn't want him around.
Why else would she
purposely give false intel
unless she really had become
a member of the team
and had fallen in love?
[Great Dane] Un pequeño problema.
I might have reported Tina's discrepancies
to Rusti and Igor back there,
to kinda knock her down a few pegs.
I did do it for you, Barry.
Broskis before Ruskies.
[tires squealing]
[ominous music playing]
Do you have any idea what you did?
You just got Tina killed.
[music fades]
Whoops.
Let's get rid of that plant
and one of the filing cabinets.
Keep the coat rack.
- On it.
- [phone ringing]
This is your new kick-ass director,
Roo Russell.
Press two for the shitty
outgoing director.
Roo Roo, Tina was on our side.
She's one of us.
We have to get her back
or they'll kill her.
- Crap on a kaiser!
- [dramatic music playing]
The 7th floor is never gonna authorize
a mission onto Russian soil
to retrieve a confirmed Russian spy.
Then we do it without permission.
We go rogue.
He's right, pal.
We have to break into Russia.
[exhales sharply] Good luck with all that.
[laughing]
- [upbeat music playing]
- [Roo sighs]
Well, madam, it looks like
you're in charge of this mess.
What's that military term
for when everything goes totally to shit?
[music builds, ends]
[Roo sighs]
[closing theme playing]
[closing theme ends]