Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship's aground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire ♪
and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Ow.
[Snoring]
Skipper.
Skipper, are you asleep?
No, gilligan, I'm not asleep now!
What is it?
Is it ok if I turn the radio on,
and listen to some going-to-sleep music?
Yes, of course you can turn the radio on
and listen to some go-to-sleep music.
Thanks, skipper, goodnight.
Goodnight, gilligan!
Radio announcer:
Don't go to bed, not yet.
Not until you've done your
deep-breathing exercises.
Take a deep breath and hold it.
For a good night's sleep,
there's nothing like fresh
oxygen in the lungs.
Feel it?
Breathe deeper.
Deeper.
Deeper.
Inhale.
Deeper.
That's it.
[Noisily exhaling]
Uhh.
[Loud gasp]
Gilligan, what are you doing?
I was just breathing, skipper.
Well, will you stop breathing
and turn that radio off?
Radio announcer:
We interrupt this program
to bring you another bulletin
on the ho well industry situation.
Hold it! Huh?
The sudden collapse
of the vast ho well holdings
has caused near panic on wall street,
following the report that the
entire assets of the company
are virtually wiped out.
Gosh, Mr. Howell.
Mr. Howell's broke?
Well, don't you think
we should go tell him?
Not now, gilligan, in the morning.
I mean, you can wake a man
up in the middle of the night
and tell him he's rich,
but you can't wake him
up and tell him he's poor.
That's right.
Skipper? Yes, gilligan?
Is it ok if I turn the radio back on again?
Gilligan, will you go to bed?
Hi, skipper.
Gilligan, while I'm doing this,
why don't you go to the howells
and tell 'em the bad news?
What news?
The news last night
we heard late on the radio
About Mr. Howell being broke.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, get going.
Yeah.
Well, what's the matter, gilligan?
It's kind of early, skipper.
I think I'll go tell 'em later.
Oh, quit stalling.
Well, they might have company.
Old friends might have dropped in.
Stop that and get over to the ho well hut
and tell them the bad news.
I can't.
Why can't you?
I I forgot their address.
Gilligan, will you stop that?
Skipper, I can't, I can't.
I never told anybody before
they were broke,
except skinny mulligan.
And when he was rich,
all he had was $3.00.
And when I told him he was broke,
he went, I'm worth $3.00.
I'm not talking about skinny mulligan!
Oh, gilligan, for goodness sakes
Sit down here.
I'll show you how simple it is.
Now you pretend that
you're Mr. Howell, ok?
Ok.
[Knock knock]
[Crying]
Gilligan, what is it? What's the matter?
I'm broke! I lost every cent I own!
Will you stop that, gilligan!
I haven't told you yet.
Now, try it again.
[Knock knock]
Mr. Howell? He's not here.
Will you stop that?
Try it again!
[Knock knock]
Mr. Howell.
I know how much money
means to you, Mr. Howell
it means a lot to me, too, skipper.
Gilligan, will you stop that?
I'm not the skipper, and you're not you.
You're Mr. Howell. Now, where were we?
I don't know, but I'm ok, but
you sound pretty mixed-up.
I sound mixed-up? Sit down and listen!
Mr. Howell, I hate
to tell you this bad news,
but last night on the radio,
we heard that the ho well industries
were completely wiped out.
You're flat broke.
There. It's that simple, gilligan.
You make it sound so easy, skipper.
Exactly.
Now you go out and do just what I did.
Ok? Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Mr. Howell, we heard
on the radio last night
that ho well industries was completely
wiped out and you're flat broke.
I'm glad that's over. Want
to go fishing, skipper?
Do I want to go fishing?! I'll
if you went to the howells
when I asked you to,
we wouldn't have to be running
all over the island looking for 'em.
[Knock knock]
Are you still mad at me?
You want the truth? No.
[Knock knock]
Oh, I guess they're not at home.
Well, I guess they had to sell their hut.
To whom?
Well, let's see, there's, um
Oh, gilligan, come on.
Hi, professor. Hi.
Have you seen Mr. Howell?
No, I haven't, but I've just noticed
his practice Polo pony
here's got a broken leg.
Does that mean we're
gonna have to shoot it?
I suggest, if you see
Mr. Howell, you tell him about this.
I wouldn't want him to
hop on it and hurt himself.
We'll tell him.
Maybe we ought to tell him
the other bad news first.
What for, gilligan?
Well, if he hears he lost all that money,
he might not feel that bad about his
practice Polo pony having a broken leg.
Mr. Howell's lost some money?
Well, I'll tell you all about it.
Gilligan, now you go find Mr. Howell,
and tell me when you found him, alright?
Oh, hi, ginger. Oh, hi, gilligan.
Say, have you seen Mr. Howell?
Yeah, they're right over there.
Oh, thanks. Gilligan.
I just said they're over there,
and you went that way.
I know, that's because
I don't want to meet 'em.
Why? You just said that
you're looking for them.
Well, if I meet 'em, I gotta tell 'em.
Tell 'em what? It's really terrible, ginger.
It's very bad news.
Mr. Howell's broke.
Mr. Howell is Broke?
Skipper and I heard it on the radio.
Mr. Howell's wiped out. Not a cent.
Oh
Poor Mr. Howell.
Yeah.
Gilligan, I've been
looking all over for you.
Mary Ann told me where the howells are.
I had the same terrible
luck. Ginger told me.
Well, come on, let's get this over with.
[Counting]
Approximately 300.
Will you Mark that down, lovey?
Yes, I have it, thurston, 300 feet.
Isn't that just a little bit
long for a dining-room table?
Yes, well, you see, I want all
the guests on one side of the table
so they have an unobstructed
view of my off-shore oil Wells.
Oh, that's considerate of you, darling.
Just think, those 20 more Wells
will bring in thousands
of dollars every hour.
Heard the news and cracked up.
Oh, hello, fellas, Mrs.
Howell and I are just laying out
the facilities of the ho well oil company.
Our house is going
somewhere over there.
Only 60 rooms, just
a home away from home.
Care to see the plans? I
think you'll find it enchanting.
Come on.
Mr. Howell?
Yes, yes, gilligan?
Nice weather we're having.
Yes, yes, very nice weather.
Now over there will be the
dock for my fleet of oil tankers.
See there?
Mr. Howell? Yes, yes?
What do you think of the Dodgers?
I don't have time for baseball.
Now, over there will be
the ho well hospital
and the high-rise village. See?
Well, isn't that gonna take
a lot of money, Mr. Howell?
My dear captain, what
good are all my millions
unless I put them into circulation?
Well, of course, even if
there isn't oil on the island,
it's such a pleasant diversion.
So right. Ah, professor.
How would you like to be
Dean of your own university?
Founding father of ho well university,
right here on ho well island?
That sounds great, professor.
Gilligan, you know it's impossible.
Yes, Mr. Howell, I'm
afraid it is impossible.
Nonsense, I'll double your salary.
Hasn't gilligan told him he
doesn't have any money left?
I can't get him to say the words.
Thurston, why don't you tell them
about the 6 months vacation with pay?
After they've been with the
company 2 weeks, of course.
Oh, and you girls are going
to love the extra income
you're going to get from
your own little oil well.
Oil Wells?
Fringe benefits from ho well company.
The professor has something
to say, don't you, professor?
Uh, Mr. Howell, there is
something we must tell you.
Certainly, go right ahead.
Well, a certain matter
has come to our attention.
And since it concerns
Well, what I'm trying to say is that I
what he's trying to say,
Mr. Howell, is, um,
you and Mrs. Howell are broke.
Broke, yeah.
Broke?!
I can't be poor, lovey, I just can't.
I don't know how.
Try not to think of it, dear.
Think of something pleasant.
Think of all the friends we have.
Yes, and why do we have friends?
I know that I'm an
obnoxious, overbearing bore.
The only reason people
like me is because I'm rich.
Was rich. Oh.
I know. All we have left in the world
is this cash I brought with us.
So little. Just a paltry
few hundred thousand.
Oh, I know. Petty cash.
Lovey lovey!
With my business sense
and financial acumen,
with my awareness
of the trends of the market,
must keep abreast of the current prices.
I could take that money when
we leave the island and pyramid it
radio announcer: Rails up 2 and 7/8ths.
Utilities one moment please.
Another bulletin on the ho well situation.
A government lien has been placed
on all assets of the ho well industries,
including foreign corporations and
monies deposited in Swiss banks.
Also lost is any cash Mr. Howell
happens to have in his possession,
and the treasury men state they will
locate that cash no matter where it is.
Wow, professor.
I mean, to be rich all your life
and then lose the bundle overnight.
I can't think of anything tougher.
Well, knowing Mr. Howell's character,
I'm sure he's taking it like a man.
[Crying]
[Knock knock]
Lovey, don't answer it.
I don't want anyone to
see me in my abject poverty.
Don't worry, dear, even
if your money's gone,
you still have the wealthy ho well look.
Ah, yes. Blood will tell.
Come in, my dear. Do come in.
Well, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
No, no, no. It's very
nice to see an old friend.
Oh, that's one thing you
can always count on
When you've lost everything.
I mean, well, friendship does
mean more than money, doesn't it?
Well, I know where you
can get 5 to one against that.
Oh, it's wonderful how you've
kept your sense of humor.
Yes, laughter just keeps
rolling down my cheeks.
I picked some flowers for you.
Oh, my favorite
Whatever they are.
I'm sorry. They did have
long stems, but they broke.
Broke? Must you use that word "broke"?
Busted? Something less financial.
I'm sorry.
It's alright, dear. We understand.
I just wanted you to know
how I felt about you
In your trouble.
That dear little girl.
Yes, it was very
considerate of her, wasn't it?
Oh, darling, I told you
you have lots of friends.
Yes, I never should have doubted them.
Money is one thing, but when
you have that ho well personality
[Buzzing bee]
People will flock to you like aah!
A bee! A bee!
A bee! A bee! Treachery!
And she with that crying act,
I should have known
it was my money, after all.
Aah!
I've been sutured.
How ya makin' out, Mr. Howell?
Not very well.
Mr. Howell, let me do that. What, what?
You're gonna fall in, I think.
Put it right under the water.
Oh, yes. Yes, I see.
There we are, Mr. Howell. Nice and full.
I'll get this knot untied
Unh!
I'm sorry, Mr. Howell.
Oh, hello, Mr. Howell.
Just finished fixing your
practice Polo pony here.
Why don't you hop on
and see how it feels?
I must say, that's very sporting of you.
Very nice. Would you mind
giving me a leg up?
As we say at the westbrook there?
There we go. Whoa! Sure. Uhh.
Put the foot in the stirrup
there, would you?
Yes, sir.
That's a fiery beast. Yo ho! Yo! Yo!
Go! Giddyap aah!
You wouldn't dare do
this to prince Phillip.
Whee!
Hey, I got a strike already. Oh, boy.
Ooh, ooh, it must be a big one.
Oh, that's great, gilligan.
Oh, boy. Yeah!
Uhh!
[Ginger squeals gleefully]
Uhh.
Blue plate, what that was.
Invasion of privacy
[laughing]
Laughing at a defrocked millionaire. I'll
aah!
Ohh!
What is it, Mrs. Howell? What's
the matter? Is something wrong?
What's wrong, Mrs. Howell?
It's thurston. He's gone.
Gone?!
Oh, no!
He says he's gonna end it all.
Ohh I'll get her.
I feel, if we break up
into 3 searching parties,
we can cover the island faster.
Very good.
Professor, you and ginger
go out and search the caves.
Gilligan and I will go out by the cliffs.
Mary Ann, you and Mrs. Howell
take the path
down by the lagoon. Let's go.
Oh, I do hope they find him.
The social register would never be
the same without the ho well name.
Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Howell.
We'll find him dead or alive.
[Crying]
I mean, alive or dead.
Gilligan! Can't you stay away?!
I'll shuffle off this mortal coil.
If I were only home
with the conveniences,
I could jump off a pile of my money.
A romantic palm tree on this desert isle.
Perhaps I could fasten a noose.
These palm fronds are so rough.
If only I had my cashmere sweater.
Perhaps a cashmere tree
somewhere on this island.
Wait a minute. Let's go this way.
I was just thinking
ginger, let's not waste time.
No, look. I was once in a
movie with rock Hudson,
and he played the
wealthiest man in the world.
And he lost all his money,
and he decided to kill himself.
That's a very similar
situation. What did he do?
He walked to the top of this mountain,
and there was this roaring river below
jagged rocks and everything
and bravely he walked to the edge
Yes? And he took a deep breath
Yes?
And then He jumped.
Don't be silly. They used a stunt man.
There must be a decent way to go.
There must
ah! The dreaded wasubi Berry.
One succulent drop
your body's covered with hair,
your teeth turn into fangs,
your hands into claws
My mother-in-law must have
had a batch of those.
Tomorrow and tomorrow
[Reciting Shakespeare]
I think I'll just
Jump over this cliff and end it all.
And I'll give it a
Oogh.
Why couldn't it have been a shorter cliff?
No. I think I'll Wade into the ocean
like fredric march,
or was it James Mason,
in the late, late, late show.
I can't go in the ocean
while I'm on a salt-free diet.
Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. How
skipper! I found him!
Oogh. I think I'll go back to the hut
and sit in a chair and die
of old age like a true ho well.
Mr. Howell, don't jump!
Don't jump, Mr. Howell!
Oh! Gilligan!
Skipper: Gilligan! Mr. Howell!
Here!
Gilligan, I don't know what
you did or how you did it,
but you've done it again.
Skipper! Give me your hand, gilligan.
Mr. Howell: The shock
to my nervous system.
Thurston! Thurston, you're back!
[Everyone talking at once]
Ah, the pleasure's all mine.
Oh, thank you, everybody,
for finding him.
It was nothing at all, Mrs. Howell.
Mr, ho well. Yes, captain?
I just want you to know, believe us,
as long as we're all on
this island together,
it's not gonna make any
difference to any one of us
whether you have any money or not.
But I just know that you'll
have money, Mr. Howell.
I can feel it.
Sure you will, Mr. Howell.
All you have to do is
get a job and go to work.
Work?
Where are you going, darling?
Back to the cliff. Good-bye.
He won't eat, won't sleep,
won't talk to anybody. I don't know.
All I said was he should
get a job and go to work.
That's it, gilligan.
You can't use that kind of
language around Mr. Howell.
Gentlemen, I think I've got the answer.
You have, professor? What is it?
Being a millionaire all his life,
Mr. Howell realizes that's
the only thing he's trained for.
Not too many jobs like that open.
We've got to train the howells
to equip themselves to make a
living when we leave the island.
Exactly, professor. I, for one, I'd be
glad to teach them all my seamanship.
I could teach them
some of the things I know.
Mary Ann and ginger,
they could take Mrs. Howell,
they could teach her a lot of things.
Ginger could teach Mrs. Howell
the thing she does best acting.
Maybe I what is it, gilligan?
Maybe I could teach the
howells something, too, huh?
Fine, gilligan. What is it that you do?
Well, I, um Yes?
I, uh Yeah? Yeah?
Well, I know how Gilligan, what is it?
Well What is it, gilligan?!
I fall down a lot.
Mr. Howell, if you learn some sort of
a trade, then you can make a living.
Mrs. Howell and I are
overwhelmed by your help,
but if you're going to teach me
seamanship, just show me to the bridge,
and I'll get the queen Mary on her way.
Wait a minute, Mr. Howell.
You're not going to start at the top.
The lurline? First mate maybe?
I now absolutely nothing about sewing.
Well, it isn't very hard,
Mrs. Howell, really.
Look, we'll start with a very simple hem.
Oh, that's just wonderful.
I'd love to do that.
Now you try. Here.
Ooh. Thurston's going
to be so proud of me.
That's right.
Now, Mr. Howell, you might be
getting a job on one of the older vessels.
You will possibly have to stoke a furnace.
I'll go down with the ship first.
Ha ha! That's very funny, Mr. Howell,
but, of course, that's only for captains.
Now watch closely.
This is a pile of coal, and the trick is,
you scoop and toss
all in the same motion.
Ooh, how vulgar.
Just keep an eye on me and watch this.
Well, Mrs. Howell, let me see
what you've done since I left.
Oh, I do believe I'm getting the hang of it.
I'll show you all the marvelous
oh!
I think I did something wrong.
I don't think I'd better attempt it quite yet.
I still don't know the finer points.
You'd better just keep showing me.
[Monotone] I am dying.
I am dying. I am dying.
Oh, no, no. No, Mrs. Howell.
You've got to show much
more feeling than that.
You've got to live the part.
Even when I'm dying?
As method actors, we become
the symbol of what we portray.
Now stand over there and watch.
I'm dying.
I'm dying.
Dying
Dying
Dying
Dying
Dying.
That was a beautiful death.
Please, I'm not finished yet.
Dying.
Oh, bravo! Bravo!
Isn't the method wonderful! Bravo!
Domestic servants.
I have never heard of
anything so preposterous
in my entire life.
Darling, our money's all gone.
I'm willing to try.
What did you ever cook? Well, I, uh
I visited the kitchens in some
of the homes we used to own.
You'd be living in the kind of
surroundings you're accustomed to.
Exactly, Mr. Howell.
And if you were a Butler in
one of those fancy houses,
maybe you could pick up
some tips on the stock market.
Yeah, like ho well industries.
Gilligan, please!
Of course, we are
connoisseurs of gracious living.
Then you'll try, Mr. Howell?
Why not? This island
could stand a touch of
Gracious living.
Mrs. Howell, will you cook
us up some real fancy dishes?
Oh, naturally, gilligan.
It'll be gourmet all the way.
[Ringing]
[Bad French accent] Le dinner is served!
S'il vous plait.
Wow! The table!
This looks pretty good, Mr. Howell.
Mr. Howell, that's beautiful.
It is beautiful.
Now, I return in one moment
with zee soup du jour.
Oh, good! Skipper? Skipper?
What's soup du jour?
Oh, gilligan, everybody
knows what soup du jour is.
For goodness sake, they're
the simplest words in the world.
You don't know, either.
I do, too, gilligan, but I
just don't want to show off.
Tell him what it is, professor.
Soup of the day.
Mr. Howell: Yes! It's soup of the day.
Here we are. C'est magnifique.
[French gibberish]
So beautiful.
Mon capitaine.
We love you, too, monsieur.
Would you mind putting
some in the bowl, Mr. Howell?
In zee bowl, as you like it.
Taste it, captain.
What is it?
Well, it ees a combination
of a magnificent cuisine
from zee master chef.
Never mind all that static,
Mr. Howell. What is it?
Seaweed soup. Seaweed soup?
Cheri, you will toss the salad, eh?
I must go to the stove
and cook zee coconut.
You take the soup du jour, ma cherie.
Oh, oui. The soup du jour.
As far as you can, Mrs. Howell.
Now we mix the salad.
The salad.
And there we go [French gibberish]
The whole eggs go in the soup.
Now the last delicious ingredient.
There we go, and
soon we toss the salad.
Oh! Ah!
Will you stop that nonsense!
[Everyone shouting]
Oh, those silly, silly coconuts.
I cooked and cooked and cooked,
and it won't get soft.
Mrs. Howell, you're not cooking
those coconuts in the shell?
Don't you realize
that when the milk in those
coconuts reaches the boiling point,
there could be such an explosion that
[explosion]
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, good heavens!
It's snowing shredded coconuts!
Professor! Skipper!
Mr. Howell is going to jump off the cliff.
And this time, Mrs.
Howell is going with him.
Come on, let's go!
My darling, I always used to say,
if I can't take it with me, I won't go.
Now there's nothing to keep me.
I really wouldn't mind being poor
if it weren't for just one thing.
What is that, my dear? Poverty.
Yes. Let's
gilligan: Mr. and Mrs. Howell!
Wait! Wait! Listen to this.
Radio announcer: We repeat,
the ho well financial structure is intact.
It was the Powell repeat Powell,
not ho well industries that collapsed.
[Everyone cheering]
And to think I was trying to kill myself.
Good heavens!
What if I'd succeeded?
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪