Going Dutch (2025) s02e08 Episode Script

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[RICK] Maggie, I know
I messed up in the past,
but I'm ready to be with you.
I'm all in.
I really want to believe you.
Do it.
Chester.
There's no falsehoods detected.
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This is what we're doing today?
I thought we were going to that
goat's milk ice cream place.
- He did think that.
- This is, of course,
what we're doing today.
I'm going to ask you questions
while you're hooked up
to a lie detector.
Like, what makes
this time any different?
I went to therapy.
- [CHESTER] That's true.
- Ayahuasca therapy.
- Hm.
- We're talking doing the work
for 12, 13 hours
in a treehouse in Van Nuys.
How do I know you won't just disappear?
I really, really,
really like you, Maggie.
That's true.
Wow.
[KISSES]
Now tell me how attracted
you are to my friends
on a scale of one to ten?
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- We'll start with Emma.
Can we start with somebody else?
[THEME MUSIC]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[DANA] So how's it going with Rick?
Yeah, it's going really great.
Really great.
[CHUCKLES] Well, what about Shah?
[CHUCKLES] I I don't know
if Shah likes me back, okay?
This could all be in my head,
but I know
what I have with Rick is real.
- Yeah, he's a great guy. Okay.
- Right.
Rick is really good for right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay? Look, he's cute.
And he's fun and light and, and dumb.
But that's good.
I could focus on my career
without any distraction.
We're rooting for you, praying for you,
lighting candles for you.
Hey, why is that degenerate
Rick Silver back on my base?
- Because I asked him to stay.
- You can't trust him, okay?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, actually, I can.
Because he really,
really, really likes me.
And he said so
during a three-hour polygraph.
All that proves is he can lie
for an entire season
of British television.
They're trained by the CIA to
be able to beat the polygraph.
It's like one of the first
things that they learn.
Okay, you are gonna have
to get used to this, dad.
Because Rick took a sabbatical
from the CIA
to stay on the base and work
on the relationship with me.
This guy comes from
a morally bankrupt cult
that is doing a-a slow, controlled burn
of the entire planet, okay?
Stupid and evil
is not what I had in mind
for my daughter.
No, I'm ignoring you.
And look who is texting me.
Mm. "You up?"
- Maggie, it's 11:00 a.m.
- But he spelled "you" out.
That's progress. Now, if you
excuse me, I have got to go
because I am up.
Huh.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[PATRICK] Conway,
I know you wanna get rid
of Rick Silver just as much as I do.
And I'm down for however
we can get him off of this base,
short of, like, felony assault.
Although, I do know a guy.
- I know a guy. Me.
- All right, listen.
Here's the deal. Maggie is in
a platonic emotional affair
that is going nowhere.
So, like, we all do, she
called a hot, dumb sex guy.
So who's Mr. Platonic?
[DANA] Okay, that is not relevant.
All you need to know is that
Rick Silver is bad for Maggie.
I'm not buying this whole CIA
sabbatical thing.
- They don't do sabbaticals.
- [DANA] No.
It's like the hokey pokey with the CIA.
You're either in or you're out.
So you know what?
I'm calling the CIA.
Hey, get me Langley Operations, okay?
[WOMAN 1] Yes, sir.
- [MAN 1] Can I help you?
- This is Colonel Patrick Quinn.
I would like to discuss the whereabouts
of one of your field operatives,
a Rick Silver.
- [MAN 1] Hold, please.
- Oh, you snitchin'?
I'm not really snitching.
I'm just, um
I'm snitching at a bunch of
snitches who are snitching
- at other snitches.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm with you. I'm with you.
- CIA has me on hold.
What? They have
terrible customer service.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Corporal, what are you doing?
- I wasn't masturbating.
- What?
Made a promise to myself
and the laundry room spirits
that I wouldn't defile
this sacred space.
And that is why I'm wearing oven mitts.
No, I meant why are you sleeping
here and not in the barracks?
I can't sleep there
because Gideon's watching
Gilmore Girls at full volume.
Rory's going to Yale.
It's not even a good season.
So I had to go searching
for a different place to sleep.
Then I came across this
little Goldilocks situation.
- And I was like
- Whatever. You can't sleep here.
Then why is there a bed with
a framed photo of your family?
This is your bed, isn't it?
This is just a temporary
situation, all right?
Celeste is still moving
our stuff out of our place,
and I gotta steer clear or whatever.
- No judgment here at all.
- Good.
Now, normally, I do have a thing
about being a little spoon,
but I think
you need to be comforted more.
- Get in here.
- What? No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
- We're sharing, aren't we?
We're not gonna be spooning. Up.
You could sleep in the laundry room,
but the office is mine. Let's go.
- Out. Out.
- Okay.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- [SIGHS]
Hey, you forgot your oven mittens.
Oh, you can keep them.
They actually don't work.
Oh, that's disgusting.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Good evening, colonel.
Looking for this?
I found all five.
- Ah!
- It appears I missed one.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Why so many guns?
'Cause I'm an American, that's why.
Who the hell are you
supposed to be, buddy?
Alistair McLeod. MI6.
Oh, God. Gross.
- You have a problem with MI6?
- Ah! Yeah, I do.
Okay, the only thing worse than
a CIA spy is a British spy.
- Oh, is that so?
- Yeah.
You guys are all
emotionally closed off eunuchs.
CIA is famous for druggin'
and buggin', but you guys,
you're famous for peepin' and creepin'.
Well, we prefer peeking and sneaking.
Oh, I'm sure you do, pervs.
I know what you guys do.
You lurk in the shadows.
You stare into bedroom windows
while your tiny little
clammy British hands
are doing God knows what
inside those stupid trench coats.
Yes, your call to Langley, um,
kicked, over a hornet's nest, old chap.
The CIA agent going AWOL at Stroopsdorf
- begs a lot of questions.
- AWOL?
Your agency tasked me as
Netherlands Station Chief
to find answers.
What did you find, old chap?
I found this at a dead drop
beneath a bench
on your base an hour ago.
Schematics of the base.
There is a mole right here
in the heart of Stroopsdorf.
And with your call
- we suspect
- Rick Silver. I knew it.
I knew he was a double agent.
Oh, my God.
I've been waiting for this day.
- I'm gonna get my seventh gun.
- Not so fast.
We need proof.
So we stand outside
his window every night
for six months of peeping.
I mean, peeking.
Six months? They could
be married in six months.
Or worse,
calling each other partners.
The only fast way is to act
like the cowboys of the CIA.
And, as you say, with
their drugging and bugging.
Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. MI6.
That's what we're doing.
[RICK] Colonel, thank you for
this late night scotch invite.
Yeah.
I thought it was good time
for a little sit-down.
Yeah, man, it's nice
to be a welcomed guest.
Especially since last time
I was drugged and bugged.
And this time. I put
truth serum in your scotch.
- [RICK] Again?
- Yep.
When are you gonna realize
that we're on the same side?
We're not really on the same side, Rick.
As a matter of fact,
unfortunately, I'm on his side.
- Ho!
- Yeah.
- MI6?
- Oh, you know him?
He's a posh impotent peeper.
You seen one, you seen 'em all.
Mr. Silver, I'm here
on behalf of your agency.
Calmly answer my questions
and you may walk free.
How do we know if it's working?
Our scientists have engineered
a gastrointestinal starting pistol.
[FARTS]
[CHUCKLES]
I'm so sorry. That was me.
That was not the chair.
That was definitely me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, snap.
You got me on that pure,
uncut English truth serum, huh?
- How much did you give him?
- One.
- Drop?
- No, one bottle.
I wanted to make sure it worked.
I saw a dead alien in a freezer.
I poke its toe. At least,
I think it was its toe.
But the guys I was with laughed, so
it might have been something else.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Hey, uh, have you seen Rick?
He texted me,
"Meet me in the Teen Center.
- P.S. I'm evil."
- It was me.
- That makes sense. Right.
- Okay, listen.
Time to face some
hard truths about this guy.
He's a mole and he's spying on our base.
And what proof do you have?
I have a full confession.
Hm.
Baby, baby, baby.
Oh, your dad dosed me with truth serum.
You need a hobby.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Mr. Silver, are you the spy
in Stroopsdorf?
- No.
- What?
So you didn't put the folder
in the dead drop?
No, I did not.
The CIA informed us you were AWOL.
Yeah, they put me on travel restriction
for causing a scene at the airport.
I didn't want to take off my flip flops
going through TSA.
It is a thong sandal.
Like, check it with your eyes, bro.
Point is, you didn't lie
on the polygraph
like my dad claims.
Uh, actually, your dad was right.
Aha! See? What did I say? Let's go.
- About what?
- Spill. [SNAPS FINGERS]
- Come on.
- I don't
really, really, really like you.
I love you.
Oh, my God.
- Really?
- I can't lie.
- Oh
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
Colonel, British dude with no sack,
thank you both for giving me
the push that I needed
to finally open up my heart to you.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- Oh! [SOBS]
[PATRICK] Hey. Ugh!
For the record, uh, I do have a sack.
Ah, well, we were wondering.
Ehh
We're in a tight spot, old chap.
You think? Now
she's in love with Rick Silver
more than she's ever been before.
And we have no mole
and we have no suspects.
Yes, and because of
your American yippee-ki-yay,
we're now up the River Thames
without a sculling oar.
Oh, so it's my fault? You know what?
Just give me
all the truth serum you have.
- I'll take care of it.
- [INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
What are you doing, Papadakis?
Great, you're awake.
I could really use some company, man.
I am not used to sleepin' alone.
Yeah, neither am I.
Awesome. [GROANS]
Divorce, huh?
- Yeah.
- [PAPADAKIS SIGHS]
Yikes.
- How you holdin' up?
- It's hard.
You know, but marriage was hard too.
Yeah.
Maybe you just haven't
met the right person yet.
Or maybe I have and the timing
will never be right.
Maybe I'm meant to yearn for someone
who I know
is the answer to my loneliness.
- What?
- Nothin'.
So your ex-wife,
she ever walk around naked?
Yeah, sometimes.
That is so sick.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Wow.
So when you live together,
you can have sex
whenever you want, right?
Yeah, you can,
- but you don't.
- [PAPADAKIS] Whoa.
What? Uh
- You're lying in bed together.
- Mm-hmm.
At night during the sex hours,
but you're not having sex?
Mm-hmm.
What do you do?
We look at our phones mostly.
You just look at your phones?
Yeah.
You look at your phones?
What do you mean
you look at your phones?
Uh Oh, my God.
It's
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
- How'd you narrow it down?
- Well, after spending all night
reviewing security footage,
I've identified three suspects.
How do you know that
they're gonna show up here?
I promised them free pizza.
What if they already eaten?
It's free pizza.
Ah, here come our suspects.
Peacock,
Nameless and the Stranger.
[CHUCKLES] Now the best bit, we watch.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Pizza party.
- The sergeant isn't a suspect.
I know, but I invited her
because she knows who
my daughter's crush is.
So I figured we give her the pizza,
she tells us who the crush is,
we invite that guy down.
Bye-bye, Rick Silver.
Do you think this is a game?
Three people on serum is a risk.
Any additions increases
the danger exponentially.
- And now four.
- Well, six actually.
Hey, let's go.
Thanks for the invite, sergeant.
Look at them. They're like
stray dogs with bones.
[ALL] Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!
He's got a whole pizza to himself.
[ALL] Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!
Dear God in heaven.
This many people on serum
in one place at one time
creates what we at MI6
call a Truth Orgy.
It's extremely destructive.
We're reasonably sure
it's what caused Brexit.
- Listen, it's gonna be fine.
- Wait, save me some.
Oh, no, it's not gonna be fine at all.
[GIDEON] Well, there's actually
not a lot, so
[FARTS] I just farted, y'all.
Why did I say that?
Lock the doors. No one must escape.
The Truth Orgy has begun.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
All right, we're all locked in.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you have no doubt noticed,
- [FARTS]
- you are farting.
And you're telling others
that you're farting.
I'm not. [FARTS]
- Never mind, I am.
- You've all been drugged
with the most potent truth serum
known to man.
Soon you will feel compelled
to divulge your deepest secrets
- and your darkest desires.
- [FARTS]
I invited Private Someone,
Jan, and Gideon,
to find out
which one of them is the mole.
Someone else has ensnared
the other four in this trap.
So I would urge the rest of you
not to move or to speak,
or this will turn into
an absolute bloody frenzy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
No. No. You dosed us. And why?
What kind of sick mind games
are you playing?
This should be my last straw,
but it's not.
Because my childhood trauma
leaves me desperate
for your approval all the time.
S-stupid truth serum.
Okay, let me explain.
I didn't mean to dose
everybody, I was trying
- to just dose Conway.
- What?
That was the original idea.
Because I know that she knows
who your secret crush was.
So I wanted to get
that information out of her,
invite the guy down,
and then he could tell
Rick Silver to kiss off.
So, Conway,
do you want to share
your little secret with us?
[EXHALES]
- I had sex near Jan.
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
- Ew.
Wait, near? Did you mean "with?"
No, no, no, no,
I had sex with Jan's polycule
while he was playing
classical piano nearby.
Honestly, it was really hot.
- Oh, God. Mm.
- Group sex is a beautiful song.
And I am merely a humble composer.
But some people go as far as calling me
the Mozart of humping
in a yurt. You know?
[SIGHS] Doesn't this feel liberating?
Just telling everyone
your unhinged truth.
[MAGGIE] Yes!
[GIDEON] I don't really get
why we have to wash our underwear.
Nobody's smelling the stuff.
That makes sense.
All my hairs
below my waist are transplants.
Wait, you got a crotch weave?
- Major Shah.
- Uh-huh.
Gideon and I were not fighting,
we've actually been
getting along really well.
Yeah, we pushed our beds together
into a California king.
Sometimes I pretend to fall
into the crack,
and we laugh and laugh.
"Help me out! Help me out!
Like I'm stuck in the crack.
Get me out of here."
[PAPADAKIS] Shut up, Gideon.
Shah, the reason I lied
the other night was because I saw you
sneaking into the laundry room
to sleep with your
little blankie and your pillow.
And that was the saddest thing
I've ever seen.
And I grew up in Cedar Rapids.
I've become Cedar Rapids sad?
But, hey, as a friend,
you have gotta tell
this secret woman that you're
yearning for how you feel.
Who's the secret woman
that you're yearning for?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
We're all wondering.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [ALL EXCLAIM]
- Maggie, you up?
- Oh, this moron.
Maggie, I got your SOS Text.
Here to extract you.
- No, Rick, you should go.
- Come on, let's go.
No, you should go.
We're doing a thing.
- It's called a, um
- Truth orgy, I know.
Yeah, I helped plan the one
that caused Brexit.
What? Why?
We're your biggest ally.
I know, dude. I'm sorry, man.
At a certain point,
dismantling governments
just becomes a habit, you know?
My bad, dude. But I can hang.
I'm still riding that
full bottle from last night.
You know what, Rick?
I'm happy you're here
because we already know
how you feel about Maggie.
And now I would like to hear
how Maggie feels
about you in return.
- [CHUCKLES]
- That's a great idea.
- Yeah. Maggie.
- [MAGGIE] Ugh.
- I like you.
- Not love?
Just really, really, really,
like. That's cool.
No reallys. Not a single really.
No. I see absolutely no future with you.
And I've been lying to myself
so that I could use you for sex
without feeling guilty.
But I judge you for having
no morality whatsoever.
- What?
- Yeah. Suck it, Silver.
You're done, baby. You're toast.
You're cooked. It's over.
[RICK] Baby, I can see
that you're too damaged
to share your life with another person.
Oh, no, I know that's not true,
because I would do it
in a heartbeat with Abe.
- Wait, What?
- Girl!
- Shah?
- You're Mr. Platonic?
Huh? Um
I didn't want you to find out this way,
but I'm feeling kind of glad
that I'm saying it.
'Cause now I'll know whether or not
I've imagined the whole thing.
It's not in your imagination.
I love you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- [JAN] Yes!
- What?
- [CHUCKLES]
- You know? I also love Maggie.
- I love Maggie, too.
- Yeah, I love Maggie.
- We all love Maggie.
- She's a very lovely
- All right, all right.
- Enough for the loving Maggie.
- You know what? Can we go talk
- in the meeting room?
- Oh, away from my dad
and everyone I've ever met?
Yeah, absolutely.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
- I'd rather they stay.
- I did not pick up on that.
I mean, who would even
choose him over me?
I can do this.
- Ya! Bam!
- [PAPADAKIS] Whoa!
- [GRUNTS] Bam!
- Okay.
I-I can't believe that just happened.
I have been wanting
to say that for so long.
So long. And-and obviously
couldn't. And to
To see the look on your face
like, was
Ah, that's no longer
the look on your face.
[SIGHS] Uh, do you wanna make out?
We should probably make out.
[SIGHS] Maggie.
- That is not a good start.
- I'm not even divorced yet.
Wait, but that's just a formality.
We're not allowed to date
in our chain of command.
And we will keep it a secret.
- It's illegal.
- By army law, not God's law.
- Not God's law. Maggie, what
- Yeah. Come on.
Maggie, how many nights have we spent
talkin' about your hopes, your dreams,
your career aspirations?
Yes, we would talk for so long
- because we couldn't make out.
- Yes.
Maggie, this
This-this could jeopardize everything.
This is a good thing.
- Don't you want all that?
- Yes, I do.
I want those things.
And I want this, too.
[EXHALES] Maggie, I could never
forgive myself
if I was any part of you not getting
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
what you want.
Wow, the truth is overrated,
Huh.
Uh.
- Mm.
- All right, guys, this is it.
The mole hunt is over.
Which one of you is the spy?
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Let's go.
[CRUNCHING]
Come on, I know somebody in this room
put the folder under the bench.
Oh, I did that, but only
cause you ordered me to.
No, I didn't.
What are you talkin' about?
Yeah. You sent me an email telling me
to collect all the blueprints
and leave 'em there.
You thought my email was
I thought you use Hotmail
because of how you're old.
So we don't have a spy problem.
We have an idiot problem.
You know, I feel like
if I ate one more slice,
I could talk to God.
Oh, this pizza is taking me on
a spiritual journey, everyone.
[GIDEON] Guys, let's keep this
Truth Orgy going all night.
[DANA] I know all your
Social Security numbers,
but don't worry, I only
use them when I need stuff.
I have a pacemaker.
Like, not in my body,
I just, like, have one.
Top drawer of my dresser, my room.
I'm circumcised,
and it's my biggest shame.
Not a day goes by
that I don't mourn my foreskin.
Brother, you are whole
without that foreskin.
I'm 1/18th Argentinian.
I didn't want you guys to treat
me differently if you found out
I wasn't a purebred Greek man.
Did you think that made us like you?
I have a tattoo of a giant
tombstone on my back
that says, "RIP Good Girl."
No one's ever seen it.
They can if they want to.
I'm in love with
a chatbot named Rosalia.
She told me to stop talking to her.
I've been having sex with Rosalia.
I've always been madly sexually
attracted to Mrs. Doubtfire.
She's got great cans.
And mind you, not Robin Williams
and not Mrs. Doubtfire,
but Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire.
I breastfed until I was ten.
I tried it again at 13.