Nobody Wants This (2024) s02e08 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music plays]
If I need you one last time ♪
If I need you one last time ♪
If I need you one last time ♪
Can I meet you one last time? ♪
Baby, I need you now for your ♪
This is the kind of quality time
I've always dreamt about.
- Wow, I forgot you were even here.
- [chuckles sarcastically]
Hey.
When are you recording the podcast?
Do you need some more Noah's Corner?
We always need more Noah's Corner.
Um, I'm not sure
when we're recording this week.
[Noah] Okay.
[Gabe] What are you guys doing here?
- Hey!
- No way!
- Hey!
- Gabe, how are ya?
- [Gabe] I'll join ya.
- [Joanne] Oh, okay.
You guys, uh, see the Warhol piece inside?
- No.
- No, we didn't come for the art.
We came because they have a good gift shop
and excellent chai.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
So no art at all?
No, I promised her we wouldn't.
My body shuts down inside museums.
I stand in front of a piece of art,
and I feel compelled to say
I see something I don't actually see.
I can't be myself in front of art.
Yeah, I get that. How's it going at Ahava?
- Was I right about that place or what?
- Oh.
- [Gabe] Right?
- So right. So right.
It's great. You know, Neil and Cami.
- Mm.
- They got very cool ideas.
Um, how are you? How's the fam?
Oh man. Um
Yeah, Abby and I are done.
- Whoa!
- So
- Oh my God. I can't believe it.
- [Gabe] Yeah.
- You guys seemed so happy.
- Yeah, but it was fake.
Instagram is fake.
Life is a wild journey, man.
You do seem lighter.
Thank you. Yeah. We both are.
We both are. I think it's for the best.
Listen, I've counseled a lot of couples
going through some tough times.
I'm your rabbi now.
I'd love to talk with you.
Hopefully, there's possible solutions
that don't involve separation.
Obviously, it's not just you and Abby now.
There's Afternoon. There's Jesse Charles.
Why don't you come by my office tomorrow?
I don't know. [chuckles awkwardly]
It would be an honor.
Whatever comes of it.
- Okay, let's do it. Great.
- Okay, good.
- I look forward to it. See you then.
- [Gabe] I love it.
- Text me, let me know when.
- [Gabe] Okay. Love you guys.
Love you too.
Hm.
Oh man.
I wonder who I can set Abby up with.
Joanne.
What?
Any marriage ending is sad.
I don't agree.
I think you have one life to live,
and sometimes, the person you marry
isn't the person
you end up being married to.
Did that make sense?
Not really, but I've seen a lot of couples
that are ready to give up,
and they found a way
to fall back in love. It happens.
I'm sure that that happens,
but I think there's also couples
who stay together way too long,
and that makes it worse.
Especially on the kids.
No. Obviously,
your parents' situation is different.
Is that the only way it can be different?
Like, can you only get divorced
if one of them is secretly gay?
- Yeah. 100%. Listen.
- Where are you going?
You know what? I gotta go.
I'm meeting Batya soon.
Who's Batya?
That would be your mother.
She, uh, picked her Hebrew name.
Wow. Okay, well,
let me know if she shows up.
Because she usually gives up on stuff
right about now.
- Batya will be there.
- Okay.
- You good with all this stuff?
- Yeah, I'll clean all this up.
Yep, and then if you need me,
I'll be in the kitchen, okay?
I know you will.
All right, bye.
Who's your boyfriend now? ♪
So, number one, I wanted to start
a relationship with your synagogue
as it seems the right fit.
Does she know we know each other,
or is that illegal?
Yep, it's legal.
Okay, then. And, uh, number two,
I wanted to do conversion classes here
because I love Noah.
Both on the inside and out.
And looks are very important to me.
Me too.
[Lynn] Same page. [chuckles]
- He's gorgeous.
- Okay, well, listen.
Typical conversion takes about a year.
Unless, I don't know,
unless Ahava has a different protocol.
We have the half year,
the "loose conversion,"
and we have the full year, which we call
the "conversion no one's ever asked for."
Six months doesn't seem like enough.
I'm very loose,
so I would love the loose conversion.
You're not even gonna feel it.
It's painless.
- It'll be over before you know it.
- Is it cheaper?
- Oh.
- No, it's
We don't charge anyone to become a Jew.
We see it as a blessing.
Oh, well, I've already been studying
Judaism on my own.
I stay up all night reading about it.
I mean, do you wanna test me?
- Ask me anything Jewish.
- We don't have to test you.
- No, I wanna test her.
- Oh, okay.
Um, okay, what are two objects
that are waved around during Sukkot?
Oh, that's hard.
- Well, she wants to be--
- Lulav and etrog.
- Wow.
- [Cami chuckles]
All right.
What's the name of Moses's wife?
Zipporah, also known as Sephora,
later to be used
by an esteemed beauty supply chain.
I love you. I respect you.
This is amazing. I love you.
[Lynn] Honestly, you can't stump me.
I'm a speed reader,
and I also know what happened
on every single day of my life.
Just like Marilu Henner.
Uh, listen, Lynn,
you seem to really love Jewish learning,
so I really think the year-long course
is right for you because--
- No chance.
- She's a six-month girl. [chuckles]
Well, thank you
for a perfectly gorgeous lunch date.
Aw. And thank you for teaching me
how to pronounce "salad niçois."
- Niçoise.
- Are you sure there's a--
- No. It's niçoise.
- I thought you said Okay.
I have about 15 minutes
till my next patient.
- I gotta tell you about this guy.
- Mm.
Really interesting.
Extreme kleptomaniac. It's wild.
Isn't that supposed to be confidential?
No. Patient confidentiality is one of
the things that Freud was wrong about.
- He was wrong about a lot. This guy
- [woman] Andy?
[woman gasps] Andy!
Helena.
Oh my God. You look stunning.
- So do you.
- Look at your hair.
Your skin. Are you getting younger on me?
Only in spirit.
- Uh-huh.
- [Helena] But thank you.
[all chuckle]
So wait, how do you know each other?
- She's my ex-patient.
- We dated.
- Oh!
- I forgot about that.
- We did.
- [Andy and Helena laugh]
[Andy sighs]
I should go. Uh, it was
it was nice seeing you.
- Nice to meet you. [clears throat]
- I'll see you.
- Yeah, that was hilarious.
- Mm.
I mean, was it? I thought
that I was the only patient you dated.
Honestly, it wasn't even a thing.
It was like six months or something, so
Oh, okay. [scoffs]
I mean, six months is a little long-ish
to forget, but sure, okay.
- Morgan, I
- It's fine.
I don't even think of her
like that. It was
[upbeat music plays]
[music fades]
Why do you doubt that this is real for me?
Because this is the three-week mark, Mom,
where you quit something you thought you
were gonna do for the rest of your life,
and I just wanna make sure
you don't feel embarrassed
if you're already over it, you know?
No, this is different. This is real.
I I I am Jewish. I am sure.
What the hell? Um, how
How are you sure though?
I'm sure, sure, sure.
Are you asking this because
I'm converting, or because you're not?
Both. I don't know. Tell me this.
How do you know?
I feel it.
I've spent my whole life feeling like
everyone else had something I didn't have.
And now I feel I have it.
Oh my God. This is real.
For the first time.
This is the thing you picked
that turns out to be real. This is in
This sucks.
Be happy for me.
I have faith, and it feels
You know, it's like I was never at peace,
and now I feel at peace.
No, I'm I'm happy that you're at peace.
I really am.
I'm just saying that it would make
my life a whole lot easier
if I could feel that too.
Well, everything happens when it's right.
You know, you may have to go
at your own speed, just inch by inch.
I don't think
I have time to go inch by inch.
Noah and I can't move forward
if I don't start feeling something soon.
And meanwhile,
Morgan's racing to the altar.
- You know, not a road bump in sight.
- You'll get there.
I have faith.
I know.
Quit bragging about it.
We should be done already.
This is taking way too long.
Oh. Hey, Fabrizio.
- Oh, hey.
- [Morgan] How's it going?
Just dealing with this stupid pool guy.
- Can I help you with this?
- Oh my God. Yeah, I'm in a rush.
Joanne left this stuff at my house, and I
Can you leave it on her front step?
- Yeah, yeah, sure thing.
- Thank you.
How's the podcast going?
Oh, uh, great.
Yeah, Joanne actually gave you a shout-out
on the last episode. It was hilarious.
Oh, cool, yeah. I'll check it out.
[Morgan] Okay. Thank you.
Feels like we spent enough time
with my mom.
She asked if we had plans.
[Lynn] Yoo-hoo!
Hey, come in.
[Henry] Shoes on or off?
Oh, uh, whatever you like.
Hey, Mom, why do I hear Dad's voice?
Uh, we spent the afternoon shopping,
and he asked what I was doing for dinner.
Me and your mom are back together.
I prayed the gay away.
- Oh, you should have more kids.
- We had sex all afternoon.
- [shrieks]
- [Joanne] Oh God!
So I was out there today.
I just love the groovy vibe at Ahava.
It It feels like
the perfect place for me.
Yes, it is a groovy vibe.
Noah, now be truthful.
Are you into groovy vibes?
- I love groovy vibes.
- Okay.
If it's not groovy, get it out.
It's not my vibe, you know?
- You guys went shopping?
- Lynn got me this sweater.
- What do you think?
- [Noah] Great.
Isn't it wonderful? Don't you love it?
- When did I get man boobs?
- Just go one size up.
Don't put yourself down.
I think it's so cool you guys
have such a nice relationship.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, when I got divorced,
it was hell for a while. Absolute hell.
But we're a better couple now
than ever before.
- Yeah?
- Lynn is a saint.
The strongest woman I know.
- What about me?
- Like I said, the strongest woman I know.
[chuckles] And we still fight.
I mean, sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night,
and I'm so angry at something I remembered
that happened when we were together.
And she calls me.
I mean, I let her get it all out,
and then I say I'm sorry, and then
I beg her to let me get back to sleep.
- [Lynn] Can't be good for your dating.
- No.
Well, Dad never dates anyone long enough
for them to care.
- Okay.
- [Joanne] You know what I mean.
You and Mom aren't commitment people.
Honey, to be fair, you're not much better.
You went to four different high schools.
You were a cosmetologist
and an interior designer at that time,
and, um, I haven't seen you
give a facial in a while.
- You went to four different high schools?
- Yeah.
Five if you count
the two days of homeschooling.
High school was hard.
I kept wanting to reinvent myself,
but then I was still myself
wherever I went.
And we gave her space, you know,
to find herself, you know,
figure out who she was.
I think it was a good thing.
I love who she turned into.
I think she's faking it around you.
[upbeat music plays]
[Esther] Where are you going?
- Thailand.
- [music fades]
- What?
- Yep.
It was very last-minute. I just booked it.
I had points. I just did it.
- Hi. Who are you?
- I am someone who tries new things.
Did I tell you that I did surf camp?
No, you didn't tell me that you did
How was that?
- It was really awful.
- It was bad?
Didn't get up on the board even once,
and I did almost drown.
But I tried something new.
- Ah, Beck
- [Rebecca] Mm-hmm.
I just I feel like
you're in such a great place.
- Like a strange, great place
- Mm.
But such a great place.
Thank you. I really am.
And I mean,
I really was not for a long time.
- Sure.
- [Rebecca] Famously.
But I feel like I'm just so glad
that Noah broke up with me.
Like, our last conversation,
it weirdly set me free.
I know that sounds corny,
but it's really true.
I am so happy
that you said it sounds corny.
- [Rebecca] Yeah. Okay.
- So I didn't have to.
- Good one.
- Fun! Look at the rosemary!
- Yeah, that's really pretty.
- Okay, wait, cheers!
Cheers!
[cell phone buzzes]
What's up, loser?
Wait, you're outside?
What's wrong?
Oh man!
- I really liked Dr. Andy.
- I know.
- I feel so betrayed.
- Me too.
You guys seemed so happy.
I mean, that's what the confusing part is.
Like, Dr. Andy makes me happy.
Is this the kind of thing
where something like this happens,
and it makes you not trust him,
but also, like it?
Yes.
I don't know, but he dotes on me.
Oh, yeah, no, I mean, it's crazy doting.
It's like you're his little Pekingese dog.
I know, then he drops these little bombs.
Like, he doesn't talk to his family,
and he can't go to Texas.
That's cool. That's like
Thelma and Louise. That's kinda hot.
And today was the biggest bomb of all.
Like, I feel completely thrown.
Like, I was living in, like,
one version of reality,
and now I'm in
a completely different version.
Like Like, the Dr. Andy who loves me
and makes me feel so happy,
just, like, isn't real.
I always think the only way
you're really gonna know somebody
is if you can, like, steal their phone
and just, like, spend an hour with it.
See their Instagram algorithm.
That's gonna tell you who they are.
Oh my God. We actually could.
He's dead asleep.
Every time I leave,
he just shuts down like a robot.
It's another weird thing about him.
Okay, we have a plan.
Buckle your seat belt, baby.
Why am I I was watching the game.
Oh God. I know it's weird,
but sometimes I forget how to have fun.
Running around telling everyone,
like, "I'm so fun."
But even I can see that a fun person
would, like, never say that.
- Does that make sense?
- Mm.
[sighs]
How are you and Sash doing?
Are things better, or
I don't even know
how me and Sash are doing, to be honest.
- [Rebecca] Right.
- Right.
I mean, can I?
You always can.
You guys got married
'cause you were pregnant.
I mean, you were so young.
- Babies.
- Babies.
Exactly. We were friends before,
and we're gonna be friends forever.
You know, no matter what, but
is Sasha who I would pick today?
Oh wow.
- Anyway, you were gonna show me
- Yeah.
Who are you talking to on Bumble?
We are having a good time.
Okay, fine, fine, fine. Fine.
- Rebecca. He has so many tattoos!
- I know.
- And I sent him a message.
- Esther, you didn't!
We need to come up with a fake reason for
why we're trying to get into this phone.
- Okay. This is exciting.
- Yeah, I know. [laughs]
- Okay, so my beloved aunt died.
- Okay.
Her name was
Uh, Pamela Streisand.
Sounds fake. It sounds like you thought of
Barbra Streisand and Pamela Anderson
and put them together.
We're so connected.
How did you know I did that?
Because you're an idiot. Okay, so
- Pamela McMillan
- McMillan.
was an acclaimed poet,
and this is her greatest book of poems.
- Okay, that's really good.
- I know.
Nobody can name a poet
but they don't wanna admit they can't.
Exactly.
Uh, Morgan? Morgan?
- [Morgan] Yes. Hi. That's me.
- Hi.
- Should I be British for this?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Welcome. My name is Terry.
How can I help you?
Hello, Terry.
Hi, Terry.
- I can't do this.
- No. Kill it.
My aunt died. Pamela McMillan.
- And--
- Oh, she's a very famous poet.
Wrote mostly about, uh,
post-famine Ireland, whatever.
Yeah, of course, he knows. So, any case,
we are trying to get into her phone
so that we can retrieve her last
and perhaps greatest work. Is Yeah.
Okay, yeah. That's not a believable story
in any way, shape, or form. So
Really?
[Terry] Yeah.
Okay, so, the truth is, Terry,
that my fiancé,
he lied about something,
and we are trying to figure out
if he's lying about other things too.
And so you want me to illegally
break into his phone and help you out?
Yeah. But we would
prefer that you use
a different term than illegally.
- Oh. Of course.
- [Morgan] Yeah.
What was I thinking?
Okay, so what word should we use?
Ooh. Broad-mindedly?
- Unconventionally.
- Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
Maybe I can help you guys, yeah.
Okay, that was Your tone did not sound
like you were gonna help us out at all.
As soon as that accent came out,
I was like, this won't work.
I'm not going to break into his phone.
Still illegal.
[exhales] What?
Okay, so, uh, I'm sorry, I'm confused,
because it really sounded
like you were going to help us.
[Morgan] Yeah, that was
If you find yourself
here at my little help desk
asking me to break
into your fiancé's phone
because you don't trust him,
don't you think you already have
the answer you're looking for,
Morgan?
- Wow, I got chills.
- I know.
God, Terry, you really are a genius.
- Steven?
- [Steven] Yo!
- [Noah] I'm seeing Gabe tomorrow.
- [Joanne] Hm.
He confirmed.
Hoping it's nothing a little
honest communication can't solve.
Ah.
Honest communication.
Communication is definitely important.
Okay.
Do you wanna be honest with me
about Ahava?
- What about it?
- [Joanne] Uh
About how you hate it?
Oh my God. I don't hate it.
Well, you don't love it.
I don't love it. No, that's true.
I definitely don't love it.
How could you tell?
Well, the groovy vibes thing.
- Was it the groovy vibes?
- Yeah. Yeah.
And also the way you say "Neil and Cami."
"Neil and Cami"? Really?
Do you hear that?
[groans] Neil and Cami.
Yeah, sorry. Listen,
I wasn't trying to hide it from you.
I was just reluctant to admit it,
I think, even to myself.
It's a great place.
It's just not my place.
- So how about you?
- [Joanne] What?
Something's going on with you and Morgan.
She hasn't been around.
- You haven't talked to her in days.
- [Joanne sighs]
We had a really big fight,
and we're taking a break from the podcast.
Okay.
I don't think I was emotionally ready
to go wedding dress shopping.
- Mm.
- It made me feel like we're behind them.
Well, it's not a competition.
- We can't rush this, you know?
- I know.
Marriage is a very big deal.
It's, uh, supposed to be
forever.
Why did you say it like that?
I don't love how quickly
you want people to give up.
Uh
Okay, with all due respect
to Gabe and Abby,
I'm, like, not that invested
in their future.
[Noah] Fine, let's talk about us, then.
If we were married and things got hard,
what would you do?
How am I supposed to answer that?
I don't know, but I mean,
you get in a fight, the podcast is off.
Neither of your parents think
it's important to stick with anything.
It's scary.
Marriage seems hard, you know?
Things won't be perfect.
There'll be days
when I'm not your favorite person.
- I know.
- Days you're not your favorite person.
It's not like it's high school
when you can just
switch every year if you're not happy.
I mean,
I guess you can.
And that's what's so scary.
Okay.
I grew up in a house with two people
who never should've gotten married.
Okay? And it went on way too long,
and it was horrible.
The version of my parents
that you saw tonight,
I would've killed for that
when I was little.
I switched high schools
because I was trying to escape my life.
[gentle music plays]
Growing up with a mom
who became someone new every year,
it was unstable,
and it made me feel anxious.
And all I want now
is normalcy and stability.
And I didn't think I'd ever have it.
And you think now that I have the chance,
I'm gonna run away from it?
No.
No, I don't.
Good.
[chuckles]
'Cause you know what the dream is?
What's the dream?
Wanting to have sex with someone
who makes you feel safe.
Hey, everything was ♪
I didn't think that existed.
Mm.
Gosh, I hope you find that.
and romance ♪
I hope you find it too.
when the sun comes up ♪
If we could just stay ♪
If we could just stay
This version of us ♪
- [Morgan] Thank you.
- All right.
- [Morgan] Here you go.
- Getting ice cream is a great idea.
It's a perfect thing to do when you fail
at breaking into somebody's phone.
[sighs] Yeah. I guess.
I don't know. I guess I'll have to have
an honest conversation with him
in the morning.
[groans] Nothing worse
than an honest conversation.
I guess.
I already know what he's gonna do.
He's just gonna turn it around,
and he's gonna, like,
I don't know, say that I'm all fucked-up
because of my fucked-up family.
That's not fair.
Everybody's got a fucked-up family.
- My family's quietly fucked-up.
- Mm.
Everybody thinks my mom is so direct,
and she says what she means,
but she says what she wants.
And that's
It's, like, a little different.
- I gotta say, I love Bina.
- [Sasha] Oh.
She loves you too.
That's why I like her. [chuckles]
- I'm just kidding.
- [laughs]
And you and Esther seem great.
Yeah, we're I mean, we're
Yeah, no, we're good.
Sasha.
Wait, what's going on? You were just
staring out into the distance.
I
She's just
She's been, like, really distant lately.
Kind of feels like I'm losing her,
you know?
And it's kind of killing me.
I'm sorry.
You wanna talk about it?
I gotta tell you,
the last thing that I wanna do
is have an honest conversation.
I really liked the last episode
of your podcast, by the way. The, uh
The bit about Joanne and the landlord
was really funny. [chuckles]
- Oh.
- I hope he doesn't listen.
Shit.
Oh my God. I totally forgot
what we said about him.
I just remembered
we gave Fabrizio a shout-out. Shit.
His name's Fabrizio?
I'm so screwed.
[Gabe] Can I guess what you're gonna say?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You're gonna say, um,
marriage should be forever.
And, uh, there are ebbs and flows.
And you need to find a way
to weather the storm.
Uh, truthfully, yes.
- I was gonna say something like that, but
- See?
I'm starting to wonder if every couple
doesn't have to find their own path.
You know, sometimes families
can only come together
once they've come apart.
So why don't you tell me
about you and Abby?
I have a lot of thoughts.
I'd love to hear it from the beginning.
Great. I wanna get into the weeds.
Great.
- Do you need every gory detail, or
- I don't need it, but I can handle it.
You're in for a wild ride.
Honestly, it was
one of my proudest moments as a rabbi.
- Hey.
- We spent hours talking about marriage.
Examining it and reexamining it.
Pulling it apart and debating it.
So what's he gonna do?
I don't know.
That's the thing about Judaism.
We love to talk about things
from every direction. You know?
I was being too rigid
in how I was looking at it before.
I love analyzing things
from every direction.
I know. It's very Jewish of you.
A religion that encourages me to argue?
Love that.
Sorry, hold on.
[gentle music plays]
I'm just texting my mom.
- [Noah] Can I tell you something?
- Yeah.
You make me a better rabbi.
I definitely do.
[music fades]
What the fuck is this?
[Noah] Looks like you're being evicted.
Yep. Yep.
Definitely being evicted.
Silhouettes and a hundred days ♪
I heard you're driving her crazy ♪
Now her tongue's spilling out my name
It's just so fucking typical ♪
I know she misses the snow ♪
You're angel's 'bout ready to blow ♪
I know things you wouldn't know
It's just so fucking typical ♪
The harder you push
The more she's wanting to leave ♪
'Cause everything you do
You do it desperately ♪
You're out of touch
So she comes running to me ♪
In all honesty ♪
Honestly ♪
'Cause your girl
Calls me in the middle of the night ♪
Sweet talk
She likes that I'm the sentimental type ♪
That's what she told me
And she only used her eyes ♪
That's right ♪
[music fades]