Twisted Metal (2023) s02e08 Episode Script
SDDNDTH
1
[GROANING]
Congratulations, one and all,
and welcome to Twisted Metal.
There are rules here.
No killing outside of an official round.
[GROANING]
But there are also perks.
I provided delightful
accommodations for you.
Great. High school.
It's bringing back, like,
so many memories.
It's crazy.
I've seen the way
you're acting with Mike,
and I don't like it.
I friggin' love it.
CALYPSO: The last driver
behind the wheel
gets their wish granted.
One wish per car.
QUIET: I wish for all
the walls to come down
in every city, everywhere.
[♪]
The mask.
I wish to bring Krista back to life.
I did something behind Quiet's back.
I don't know what
I'm gonna do about it, man.
I never lied to her before.
[belching]
[tires screeching]
QUIET: We can't afford
another day like this.
John! This is life and death.
I've never seen you like this.
- What's going on?
- I lied to you, Quiet.
I made my own wish.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪]
[BELL JINGLING]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Morning.
What can I get you?
I need an anniversary cake
that feeds eight.
Express delivery.
That's a big-ass cake.
It's a special occasion.
Put it on my tab.
You got it.
[BELL JINGLING]
[DOGS BARKING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- What the fuck?
- [SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
- [SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
- [GROANING]
[SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
- [YELPING]
- [SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
[GRUNTING]
[SUPPRESSED GUNSHOT]
[GURGLING]
[BABY CRYING]
[BABY CRYING]
- [GUNFIRE]
- [SCREAMING]
[PANTING]
[SERVOS BUZZING]
- VERMIN: Hey.
- [GASPS]
Looks like someone had a wet dream.
The fuck?
Goodnight kiss?
Fuck my life.
[GUNFIRE]
[♪]
JOHN DOE: I'm not being selfish!
You made your own wish
and didn't tell me.
You put our lives, the mission,
all of us in danger!
And this is why I didn't
want to tell you!
QUIET: And that's pretty
fucking selfish.
[MR. GRIMM LAUGHING]
What the hell are you looking at?
[NORMAL VOICE] A lonely soul.
[NASAL VOICE]
But you can always join us.
Fuck off, Grimm job!
[DEEP VOICE] Hmm, looks like
that hot potato is back on the market.
[NASAL VOICE] Really? No more John?
[NORMAL VOICE] Good.
Makes 'em easier to pick off
if they're weak.
[NASAL VOICE] Like little fishies.
[GIGGLING]
[SIGHING]
Seriously, John,
you are being so small minded!
You don't think I wanted to wish
for a million fucking things?
But this is bigger than us,
and you are being an asshole
for not getting that.
Fuck! I can't even
look at you right now.
No problem!
I'm leaving.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Oh!
Trying to wash the odor of betrayal
off your hot little body?
That's right, Stinky titties,
everyone in here knows what happened
because the walls are paper thin.
I didn't betray anybody.
Oh, okay.
Keep telling yourself that, tough guy.
Vermin knows the truth
I actually have to go this way.
Somebody's got to fix these lights.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
DR. COCHREL: When I took
the Hippocratic oath,
I swore that I would uphold
the best interests of all my patients.
I appreciate the concern, doc.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Um, actually, that's why
I wanted to speak with you.
I received the results
of your physical exam,
and, well, there's no easy
way to say this,
but I found something.
Wait. Are you serious, doc?
Yes.
I thought I'd have more time.
Life is so incredibly
precious, isn't it?
All right.
Don't sugarcoat it. Hit me straight.
I can take it.
[SIGHS]
You're sterile.
Oh. Well, that explains the weird rash.
No, no. Th-that's psoriasis.
Being sterile means
that you can't have children.
Hey, I can have as many
children as I want.
I mean, duh, kidnapping.
I-I mean, biologically.
Let me explain.
You see the testicles?
They make the sperm.
I got plenty of testicles.
What seems to be the problem?
Actually, you have too many testicles.
And unfortunately, none of them work.
Yours can't make sperm.
- Do-do you understand?
- Yes.
No, no, I do not.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING INTENSIFIES]
I can tell by your grunting,
you and the chatty man are at war.
Unfortunate.
A good cock is
a terrible thing to waste.
If you no longer have use,
shall I have him?
You don't need to ask me.
John does what he wants.
He can fuck you, make his own wish,
jump off a fucking building.
- I don't care anymore.
- Excellent.
I'm glad you approve.
For even in the Arctic
wasteland I call home,
to violate the girl code
would be something
- [THUDS]
- [YELPS]
[PA CHIMES]
CALYPSO: Good evening, my drivers.
Excellent showing in the last round.
You did so well,
I planned a little bonus round.
[GIGGLING]
I trust you're all ready to fight.
[GIGGLING]
Oh, shit, shit. Shit!
CALYPSO: I've invited some new friends
to join the fray, the Apocalypse Nine.
They feel nothing
and are very hard to kill.
They are the ultimate hunters of man,
and they are on your scent.
It's a shame you won't
have your weapons,
but I've always found artillery
to be a crutch.
You'll just have to use brains, brawn,
and good old American gumption.
[GIGGLING]
The rules are simple.
All of you versus all of them.
Quiet.
CALYPSO: Whoever's left standing
when the sun rises will move on.
Good luck.
[GRUNTING AND YELLING]
- [PANTING]
- There.
Now nobody can get in.
[METAL SQUEALING]
[PANTING]
AXEL: I can't get my gas.
We're all gonna die.
[GRUNTING]
[YELPING]
[CLANGS]
[GROANING]
[CHOKING]
[GRUNTING]
[WINCES]
- [BEEPING]
- [ELECTRIC MOTOR REVVING]
It burns. It burns!
[LAUGHING AND SCREAMING]
[ELECTRIC MOTOR SPARKS AND DIES]
[CHOKING]
[THUDS]
- [GRUNTS]
- [SQUELCHES]
[GAGS]
- [GROANING]
- [BAR CLATTERS]
[COUGHING]
That was a waste of a shower.
You saved me.
RAVEN: For now.
I plan on eviscerating you
in the next round.
But first, we need to
take care of these fuckers.
Get your ass up.
[COUGHING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR UNLATCHES]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR SHUTS]
[LOCKER OPENS]
- [SCREAMING]
- [YELPING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[GROANING]
Man, what the hell are you doing?
I don't know. I thought you were, like,
an evil basketball dude or something.
Evil basketball dude?
What the fuck is that?
We've been living with
the abominable snow tits
and a bug fucker.
How am I the asshole here?
What where are you going?
To find Quiet.
I have to make sure she's okay.
Yikes. You sure you want to do that?
You don't know the full story.
I know you screwed up.
Relationships are built on trust, John.
These are complicated emotions,
and you wouldn't understand.
Oh, I wouldn't?
I'm a divorcee.
[METAL SCRAPING]
[♪]
JOHN DOE: Oh, shit!
[METAL SCRAPING]
Is that fucking Freddy Krueger?
[♪]
STU: Did he say we're going to die?
Because if the dude
with metal arms is scared,
we're fucked.
Hey, there, Gilbert Grape,
what's eating ya?
I can't fight without gas, man.
I can't fight, I can't kill,
we're all fucking dead.
I need it, man. I need the gas.
- I need that shit!
- Hey, man, it's cool.
Nobody has their wheels this round.
I don't need it for my wheels, dumbass.
I need it for me. I drink it.
I'm a killing machine powered
by pure premium unleaded.
Fuck!
Oh, okay.
That's very different.
Let's leave the opinions
outside, Stuart.
It's a judgment free zone up in he-ah.
He said he drinks the gas up in he-ah.
Are you saying you need the gas in here?
Is it what you need in here?
What the fuck?
Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave.
I think we both know what time it is.
Oh, I'm picking up what
you're putting down, Michael.
- Grab some chairs.
- You got it, bud.
Uh, what time is it?
It's time for Dave
to turn this shit around.
That's what time it is.
Didn't you hear Calypso?
There's a group of psychos
trying to kill us.
If Axel's our best fighter,
let's just get him the gas.
Axel's most important fight
is the one from within.
Gentlemen,
we're having an intervention.
What?
You're gonna love it.
Any idea who these bottom feeders are?
The Apocalypse Nine.
They're fucking nuts.
You know why their skin is yellow?
They burn their nerve endings
so they don't feel shit.
So where's John?
I thought you assholes
couldn't go anywhere alone.
- That's none of your business.
- Oh, fuck.
So it's true then.
He made a different wish.
Please, you don't think these
gossipy bitches talk?
I'm up here thinking about
the greater good of all humanity.
He's potentially fucking it all up
just thinking about himself.
So what did he wish for?
To bring his sister back to life.
Oh, interesting.
What is that supposed to mean?
I don't know. He seems like
the type of guy
to wish for an elephant sized dong
or a house made of candy.
[SCREAMING]
[SPLASHING]
[♪]
- [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
- [GASPING]
RAVEN: What kind of psychopath
would do something like this?
- VERMIN: Well, well, well
- [GASPING]
If it isn't the popular girls.
God, I almost shit my fucking shorts.
Surprised?
I guess I'm not as prim and proper
as you thought I was.
[LAUGHING]
Well, it looks like
you got this covered.
Yeah. we're going to go snuff out
the rest of these fuckers.
Uh, w-w-wait. I
Oh, I just was gonna say
good luck
with wherever you're going.
I'll just
I'll just be here.
By myself.
Well, not by myself.
With you, of course, but
Do you want to come with us?
Looks like these worker ants
just became a colony.
[VOCALIZING] Girls night!
Oh, we can braid each other's hair.
We can have a slumber party. We can
Shh!
[LAUGHING]
- We need weapons.
- [CLICKING]
Shit, Looks like someone
took all the good stuff.
- Well, no duh.
- [CLICKS]
[MAYHEM ON RECORDING] Well, no duh.
Quit playing around.
I'm trying to figure out
a way out of this.
Don't hurt yourself.
I've been surviving out here
since I was a kid.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh, yeah? How old were you?
- Twelve.
- Seven.
Well, it was the start
of the apocalypse,
when shit was really hard.
Oh, yeah, I bet it was so hard
to have tons of supplies
and food to loot.
Everything was picked over
by the time my generation got to them.
So you want everything handed to you?
When I was a kid, you had
to get a car and go find it.
A car? What car? None of them were left
after the old timers like you
took them all.
God, I bet back in your day
you could just trip, fall,
and smack your head into a car.
No. Yeah, well,
you should have joined
a group or something.
[MAYHEM ON RECORDING] Well, no duh.
You don't think that I tried?
Everyone that I found out there
was a weirdo sex pest or a lunatic.
I never found people
who wanted me around
who actually got me.
Yeah, I know that feeling.
All right, come on.
What happened between you guys?
We got in a fight, a big one.
She told me
she couldn't stand the sight of me.
So?
- So I left.
- [SCOFFS]
So you took the easy way out.
Classic bitch move.
[SCREAMING]
So, do you have any ideas?
One.
[NORMAL VOICE] Good haul today.
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Save me the heads.
I like to suck the eyes.
[DOOR RATTLES]
[NORMAL VOICE] What the hell?
[RUSSIAN VOICE] Let me try.
[DOOR BANGING]
[DEEP VOICE] It's locked!
[BRITISH VOICE] We noticed.
Where the hell did they come from?
- [BANGING]
- Hello?
Holy shit, these guys are fast!
Where the fuck is everybody?
Look, man, I know
that talking about the past isn't easy,
but we don't judge.
This is a safe space.
- [SCREAMING]
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
Uh, I feel like this is
actually a dangerous space.
Do we really have time for this?
One of those vents
probably leads to the garage
- where the gas is.
- Hey, Stu,
trust the process.
- Yeah.
- MIKE: Go ahead, Axel.
[SIGHS]
My life started out fine enough.
But things got hard after my daddy left.
- Yeah. That's tough.
- AXEL: It's okay.
If I'm being honest,
losing my wife was harder.
Goddamn.
She cheated on me with my dad.
- Wow. Wow.
- Well, I'm sure
- [DISTANT BANGING]
- Karma came for those two.
It didn't.
They got married and moved to Napa.
Me? I stayed in Louisiana.
Work was hard to come by.
I took on a lot of debt
from the wrong people.
So you start drinking gas?
No. I had to work off what I owed.
- Oh.
- By killing.
Oh.
AXEL: And one day I got a job.
It's the usual assignment.
Eliminate everyone.
But they forgot to mention one thing.
A baby.
So you're haunted by killing a baby?
Bitch, I didn't kill no baby.
- I'd never kill a kid.
- Of course not.
AXEL: I got the child out of there,
and we went on the run.
For a long time
it was just the two of us on the road.
Those were good days.
Some of the best in my life.
Dude, I mean, you did
save the kid, right?
You should be proud
of yourself, brother.
One day
vultures raided my camp.
I fought as hard as I could,
but they knocked me out.
The last thing I remember
is that baby screaming.
[ECHOING BABY SCREAMS]
When I came to, the kid was gone.
So I went looking for her.
Then I met this scientist, Zemu.
He said he'd help me find her.
Instead, he trapped me, tortured me,
did experiments.
He took away my hands.
Put me in the wheels.
And that's when the gas came in.
That's when you started
drinking the gas.
All I had were my wheels
and that gas can,
so if we get it,
I have to try to take it
straight to the dome.
Look, guys, I know what's going on here.
You think the gas controls you.
Right, but you were murdering people
before the gas.
Look, man, on the real,
I used to eat human flesh.
It's fucking gross,
and it turned me
into a different person.
But eventually,
I learned to forgive myself
and I moved the fuck on
with a little help from a friend.
It's easy for you to say.
It's just me and my wheels.
[LOUD BANGING]
Then lean on us.
You're not alone anymore.
We believe in you
even if you don't right now.
We know that you could murder anyone
if you put your mind to murdering,
stone-cold sobes.
I couldn't have said it better.
Beautiful stuff, Stu.
- [WOOD BREAKING]
- Oh, shit!
You want Axel?
Here I am, motherfuckers!
[GROWLING]
- ALL: Axel! Axel!
- [ROARING]
Axel! Axel! Axel! Axel!
Axel! Axel!
- [GRUNTING]
- [SQUELCHING]
[PANTING]
So he wished for
his sister to come back?
How is that selfish, exactly?
VERMIN: Yeah. It's not like
he wished for, like,
a bug body or beetle wings,
or, like, a bigger dick or something.
Fine. What he wished for
wasn't exactly selfish,
but he still risked the mission.
He risked your mission.
Guess he thought saving
one person was more important.
- I agree.
- That doesn't change the fact
that he kept it a secret from me.
We're supposed
to have each other's backs.
Are you really that fucking dense?
Do you know how many times John tried
to escape my city to get back to you?
Fifteen times!
The dumb ass even cracked his head open
falling from a hang glider
made of pizza boxes.
He's not a thinker.
God, you two morons
are made for each other.
- [GROANING]
- [GASPING]
[GRUNTING]
Excuse me. Here comes the boot!
[CRUNCHES]
[PANTING]
Did I ever tell you girlies
about Ronald?
Ronald Hinkley.
He was the love of my life
No.
He had a shiny little ponytail,
and he was a soprano
in the ninth grade choir.
Oh, yeah. I used to get such
a snail trail when he'd sing.
Ave Maria
No one cares!
One summer, he was at Camp Finch,
and I was all the way
a mile away
at Camp Schodack.
So you know what we did?
We snuck out at night
so that we could see each other.
We made it work.
You know why?
Because despite our differences,
we were in love.
What happened to Ronald?
Oh, I dumped his ass
when he wouldn't put out.
You girls know what
I'm talking about, huh?
There's only so much
second base you can do
before you need to slide into home.
- [DISTANT SCREAMING]
- Shit.
Do you guys think that was John?
I mean, it might have been Stu.
I don't know. Should we go check?
Ugh.
"Should we go check?" [LAUGHING]
Maybe we should go check. Let's go.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUFFLED PANTING]
[PANTING ON RECORDING]
Surprise, motherfucker!
- [GRUNTING]
- [CLANGS]
[YELPING]
- Oh, no, no, no!
- [THUDS]
[GRUNTING]
- [CHAINS CLANKING]
- [GRUNTING]
Mayhem, now!
[SAW BLADE WHIRRING]
- [SCREAMING]
- [SQUELCHING]
- [STRAINING]
- [VOICE PULSING]
[SQUELCHING]
- [SAW BLADE SLOWING]
- Damn it.
I think he pissed his pants.
- You good?
- Yeah.
Yeah, why? Did I get some on me?
Holy shit, that was crazy.
How did you come up with that?
I hid out in a Blockbuster for a month,
survived off nothing but
stale candy and horror movies.
- [SCOFFS]
- Horror movies?
Hell, no. That's too scary.
- Oh, pussy.
- [LAUGHING]
Come on. Horror movies are great.
Although I refuse to watch
Deep Blue Sea.
I do not fuck with the ocean
or the shit that lives in it.
Way too scary.
Finally, someone understands
that the ocean sucks!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, shit.
Don't worry about it.
The way we took that guy down,
if we stick together, we can
Shit!
- John!
- Quiet.
Thank God you're alive.
Well, I mean, don't jinx it.
- Out of my way!
- [YELPING]
I got this.
[ROARING]
[CRASH TEST DUMMIES'
"MMM MMM MMM MMM" PLAYING]
[WINCING]
Once there was This kid who ♪
Got into an accident
And couldn't come to school ♪
But when He finally came back ♪
His hair had turned from
Black into bright white ♪
- [SQUELCHING]
- [ROARING]
He said that It was from when ♪
The cars had smashed So hard ♪
Mmm mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm ♪
[YELPING AND SCREAMING]
Mmm mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm ♪
Thank god he's on our side.
Yeah, for now.
I did it.
I killed without the gas.
DAVE: You did so good, bro.
Hey, you slaughtered those twelve steps.
Awesome. Awesome stuff, Axel.
Uh, real talk,
I don't know if taking away
this guy's one weakness
was the best idea.
Stu! Oh, there you are.
I don't know about you,
but I have had quite the day.
Long story short,
the doctor said my nuts are broken,
so I won't be shitting out
a baby anytime soon.
And it made me think
and reevaluate my life,
what I want.
I'm adopting you, son.
Oh, wow. Uh, what?
All right, squirt.
Not too old to play catch
with your old man, are you?
- Ugh.
- Come on, champ.
Got to keep your eye on the head.
[PA CHIMES]
CALYPSO: Congratulations,
my friends, to those who survived.
The Apocalypse Nine have been defeated.
You work well as a team.
Too bad, because next round
is every man for himself.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Can we talk?
Yeah.
Quiet,
I'm sorry.
I messed up real bad.
You did.
I made a snap decision, and I regret it.
When Krista died,
we didn't really have time
to process it.
I'm sorry for that.
It just happened so fast.
If you ever want to talk about her,
just ask.
I think you should have it.
Thanks.
Come on.
We can fix this.
What the hell?
[♪]
[CALYPSO LAUGHING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[♪]
[GROANING]
Congratulations, one and all,
and welcome to Twisted Metal.
There are rules here.
No killing outside of an official round.
[GROANING]
But there are also perks.
I provided delightful
accommodations for you.
Great. High school.
It's bringing back, like,
so many memories.
It's crazy.
I've seen the way
you're acting with Mike,
and I don't like it.
I friggin' love it.
CALYPSO: The last driver
behind the wheel
gets their wish granted.
One wish per car.
QUIET: I wish for all
the walls to come down
in every city, everywhere.
[♪]
The mask.
I wish to bring Krista back to life.
I did something behind Quiet's back.
I don't know what
I'm gonna do about it, man.
I never lied to her before.
[belching]
[tires screeching]
QUIET: We can't afford
another day like this.
John! This is life and death.
I've never seen you like this.
- What's going on?
- I lied to you, Quiet.
I made my own wish.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪]
[BELL JINGLING]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Morning.
What can I get you?
I need an anniversary cake
that feeds eight.
Express delivery.
That's a big-ass cake.
It's a special occasion.
Put it on my tab.
You got it.
[BELL JINGLING]
[DOGS BARKING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- What the fuck?
- [SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
- [SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
- [GROANING]
[SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
- [YELPING]
- [SUPPRESSED GUNSHOTS]
[GRUNTING]
[SUPPRESSED GUNSHOT]
[GURGLING]
[BABY CRYING]
[BABY CRYING]
- [GUNFIRE]
- [SCREAMING]
[PANTING]
[SERVOS BUZZING]
- VERMIN: Hey.
- [GASPS]
Looks like someone had a wet dream.
The fuck?
Goodnight kiss?
Fuck my life.
[GUNFIRE]
[♪]
JOHN DOE: I'm not being selfish!
You made your own wish
and didn't tell me.
You put our lives, the mission,
all of us in danger!
And this is why I didn't
want to tell you!
QUIET: And that's pretty
fucking selfish.
[MR. GRIMM LAUGHING]
What the hell are you looking at?
[NORMAL VOICE] A lonely soul.
[NASAL VOICE]
But you can always join us.
Fuck off, Grimm job!
[DEEP VOICE] Hmm, looks like
that hot potato is back on the market.
[NASAL VOICE] Really? No more John?
[NORMAL VOICE] Good.
Makes 'em easier to pick off
if they're weak.
[NASAL VOICE] Like little fishies.
[GIGGLING]
[SIGHING]
Seriously, John,
you are being so small minded!
You don't think I wanted to wish
for a million fucking things?
But this is bigger than us,
and you are being an asshole
for not getting that.
Fuck! I can't even
look at you right now.
No problem!
I'm leaving.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Oh!
Trying to wash the odor of betrayal
off your hot little body?
That's right, Stinky titties,
everyone in here knows what happened
because the walls are paper thin.
I didn't betray anybody.
Oh, okay.
Keep telling yourself that, tough guy.
Vermin knows the truth
I actually have to go this way.
Somebody's got to fix these lights.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
DR. COCHREL: When I took
the Hippocratic oath,
I swore that I would uphold
the best interests of all my patients.
I appreciate the concern, doc.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Um, actually, that's why
I wanted to speak with you.
I received the results
of your physical exam,
and, well, there's no easy
way to say this,
but I found something.
Wait. Are you serious, doc?
Yes.
I thought I'd have more time.
Life is so incredibly
precious, isn't it?
All right.
Don't sugarcoat it. Hit me straight.
I can take it.
[SIGHS]
You're sterile.
Oh. Well, that explains the weird rash.
No, no. Th-that's psoriasis.
Being sterile means
that you can't have children.
Hey, I can have as many
children as I want.
I mean, duh, kidnapping.
I-I mean, biologically.
Let me explain.
You see the testicles?
They make the sperm.
I got plenty of testicles.
What seems to be the problem?
Actually, you have too many testicles.
And unfortunately, none of them work.
Yours can't make sperm.
- Do-do you understand?
- Yes.
No, no, I do not.
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING INTENSIFIES]
I can tell by your grunting,
you and the chatty man are at war.
Unfortunate.
A good cock is
a terrible thing to waste.
If you no longer have use,
shall I have him?
You don't need to ask me.
John does what he wants.
He can fuck you, make his own wish,
jump off a fucking building.
- I don't care anymore.
- Excellent.
I'm glad you approve.
For even in the Arctic
wasteland I call home,
to violate the girl code
would be something
- [THUDS]
- [YELPS]
[PA CHIMES]
CALYPSO: Good evening, my drivers.
Excellent showing in the last round.
You did so well,
I planned a little bonus round.
[GIGGLING]
I trust you're all ready to fight.
[GIGGLING]
Oh, shit, shit. Shit!
CALYPSO: I've invited some new friends
to join the fray, the Apocalypse Nine.
They feel nothing
and are very hard to kill.
They are the ultimate hunters of man,
and they are on your scent.
It's a shame you won't
have your weapons,
but I've always found artillery
to be a crutch.
You'll just have to use brains, brawn,
and good old American gumption.
[GIGGLING]
The rules are simple.
All of you versus all of them.
Quiet.
CALYPSO: Whoever's left standing
when the sun rises will move on.
Good luck.
[GRUNTING AND YELLING]
- [PANTING]
- There.
Now nobody can get in.
[METAL SQUEALING]
[PANTING]
AXEL: I can't get my gas.
We're all gonna die.
[GRUNTING]
[YELPING]
[CLANGS]
[GROANING]
[CHOKING]
[GRUNTING]
[WINCES]
- [BEEPING]
- [ELECTRIC MOTOR REVVING]
It burns. It burns!
[LAUGHING AND SCREAMING]
[ELECTRIC MOTOR SPARKS AND DIES]
[CHOKING]
[THUDS]
- [GRUNTS]
- [SQUELCHES]
[GAGS]
- [GROANING]
- [BAR CLATTERS]
[COUGHING]
That was a waste of a shower.
You saved me.
RAVEN: For now.
I plan on eviscerating you
in the next round.
But first, we need to
take care of these fuckers.
Get your ass up.
[COUGHING]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR UNLATCHES]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR SHUTS]
[LOCKER OPENS]
- [SCREAMING]
- [YELPING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[GROANING]
Man, what the hell are you doing?
I don't know. I thought you were, like,
an evil basketball dude or something.
Evil basketball dude?
What the fuck is that?
We've been living with
the abominable snow tits
and a bug fucker.
How am I the asshole here?
What where are you going?
To find Quiet.
I have to make sure she's okay.
Yikes. You sure you want to do that?
You don't know the full story.
I know you screwed up.
Relationships are built on trust, John.
These are complicated emotions,
and you wouldn't understand.
Oh, I wouldn't?
I'm a divorcee.
[METAL SCRAPING]
[♪]
JOHN DOE: Oh, shit!
[METAL SCRAPING]
Is that fucking Freddy Krueger?
[♪]
STU: Did he say we're going to die?
Because if the dude
with metal arms is scared,
we're fucked.
Hey, there, Gilbert Grape,
what's eating ya?
I can't fight without gas, man.
I can't fight, I can't kill,
we're all fucking dead.
I need it, man. I need the gas.
- I need that shit!
- Hey, man, it's cool.
Nobody has their wheels this round.
I don't need it for my wheels, dumbass.
I need it for me. I drink it.
I'm a killing machine powered
by pure premium unleaded.
Fuck!
Oh, okay.
That's very different.
Let's leave the opinions
outside, Stuart.
It's a judgment free zone up in he-ah.
He said he drinks the gas up in he-ah.
Are you saying you need the gas in here?
Is it what you need in here?
What the fuck?
Hey, Dave, Dave, Dave.
I think we both know what time it is.
Oh, I'm picking up what
you're putting down, Michael.
- Grab some chairs.
- You got it, bud.
Uh, what time is it?
It's time for Dave
to turn this shit around.
That's what time it is.
Didn't you hear Calypso?
There's a group of psychos
trying to kill us.
If Axel's our best fighter,
let's just get him the gas.
Axel's most important fight
is the one from within.
Gentlemen,
we're having an intervention.
What?
You're gonna love it.
Any idea who these bottom feeders are?
The Apocalypse Nine.
They're fucking nuts.
You know why their skin is yellow?
They burn their nerve endings
so they don't feel shit.
So where's John?
I thought you assholes
couldn't go anywhere alone.
- That's none of your business.
- Oh, fuck.
So it's true then.
He made a different wish.
Please, you don't think these
gossipy bitches talk?
I'm up here thinking about
the greater good of all humanity.
He's potentially fucking it all up
just thinking about himself.
So what did he wish for?
To bring his sister back to life.
Oh, interesting.
What is that supposed to mean?
I don't know. He seems like
the type of guy
to wish for an elephant sized dong
or a house made of candy.
[SCREAMING]
[SPLASHING]
[♪]
- [LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]
- [GASPING]
RAVEN: What kind of psychopath
would do something like this?
- VERMIN: Well, well, well
- [GASPING]
If it isn't the popular girls.
God, I almost shit my fucking shorts.
Surprised?
I guess I'm not as prim and proper
as you thought I was.
[LAUGHING]
Well, it looks like
you got this covered.
Yeah. we're going to go snuff out
the rest of these fuckers.
Uh, w-w-wait. I
Oh, I just was gonna say
good luck
with wherever you're going.
I'll just
I'll just be here.
By myself.
Well, not by myself.
With you, of course, but
Do you want to come with us?
Looks like these worker ants
just became a colony.
[VOCALIZING] Girls night!
Oh, we can braid each other's hair.
We can have a slumber party. We can
Shh!
[LAUGHING]
- We need weapons.
- [CLICKING]
Shit, Looks like someone
took all the good stuff.
- Well, no duh.
- [CLICKS]
[MAYHEM ON RECORDING] Well, no duh.
Quit playing around.
I'm trying to figure out
a way out of this.
Don't hurt yourself.
I've been surviving out here
since I was a kid.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh, yeah? How old were you?
- Twelve.
- Seven.
Well, it was the start
of the apocalypse,
when shit was really hard.
Oh, yeah, I bet it was so hard
to have tons of supplies
and food to loot.
Everything was picked over
by the time my generation got to them.
So you want everything handed to you?
When I was a kid, you had
to get a car and go find it.
A car? What car? None of them were left
after the old timers like you
took them all.
God, I bet back in your day
you could just trip, fall,
and smack your head into a car.
No. Yeah, well,
you should have joined
a group or something.
[MAYHEM ON RECORDING] Well, no duh.
You don't think that I tried?
Everyone that I found out there
was a weirdo sex pest or a lunatic.
I never found people
who wanted me around
who actually got me.
Yeah, I know that feeling.
All right, come on.
What happened between you guys?
We got in a fight, a big one.
She told me
she couldn't stand the sight of me.
So?
- So I left.
- [SCOFFS]
So you took the easy way out.
Classic bitch move.
[SCREAMING]
So, do you have any ideas?
One.
[NORMAL VOICE] Good haul today.
[HIGH PITCHED VOICE] Save me the heads.
I like to suck the eyes.
[DOOR RATTLES]
[NORMAL VOICE] What the hell?
[RUSSIAN VOICE] Let me try.
[DOOR BANGING]
[DEEP VOICE] It's locked!
[BRITISH VOICE] We noticed.
Where the hell did they come from?
- [BANGING]
- Hello?
Holy shit, these guys are fast!
Where the fuck is everybody?
Look, man, I know
that talking about the past isn't easy,
but we don't judge.
This is a safe space.
- [SCREAMING]
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
Uh, I feel like this is
actually a dangerous space.
Do we really have time for this?
One of those vents
probably leads to the garage
- where the gas is.
- Hey, Stu,
trust the process.
- Yeah.
- MIKE: Go ahead, Axel.
[SIGHS]
My life started out fine enough.
But things got hard after my daddy left.
- Yeah. That's tough.
- AXEL: It's okay.
If I'm being honest,
losing my wife was harder.
Goddamn.
She cheated on me with my dad.
- Wow. Wow.
- Well, I'm sure
- [DISTANT BANGING]
- Karma came for those two.
It didn't.
They got married and moved to Napa.
Me? I stayed in Louisiana.
Work was hard to come by.
I took on a lot of debt
from the wrong people.
So you start drinking gas?
No. I had to work off what I owed.
- Oh.
- By killing.
Oh.
AXEL: And one day I got a job.
It's the usual assignment.
Eliminate everyone.
But they forgot to mention one thing.
A baby.
So you're haunted by killing a baby?
Bitch, I didn't kill no baby.
- I'd never kill a kid.
- Of course not.
AXEL: I got the child out of there,
and we went on the run.
For a long time
it was just the two of us on the road.
Those were good days.
Some of the best in my life.
Dude, I mean, you did
save the kid, right?
You should be proud
of yourself, brother.
One day
vultures raided my camp.
I fought as hard as I could,
but they knocked me out.
The last thing I remember
is that baby screaming.
[ECHOING BABY SCREAMS]
When I came to, the kid was gone.
So I went looking for her.
Then I met this scientist, Zemu.
He said he'd help me find her.
Instead, he trapped me, tortured me,
did experiments.
He took away my hands.
Put me in the wheels.
And that's when the gas came in.
That's when you started
drinking the gas.
All I had were my wheels
and that gas can,
so if we get it,
I have to try to take it
straight to the dome.
Look, guys, I know what's going on here.
You think the gas controls you.
Right, but you were murdering people
before the gas.
Look, man, on the real,
I used to eat human flesh.
It's fucking gross,
and it turned me
into a different person.
But eventually,
I learned to forgive myself
and I moved the fuck on
with a little help from a friend.
It's easy for you to say.
It's just me and my wheels.
[LOUD BANGING]
Then lean on us.
You're not alone anymore.
We believe in you
even if you don't right now.
We know that you could murder anyone
if you put your mind to murdering,
stone-cold sobes.
I couldn't have said it better.
Beautiful stuff, Stu.
- [WOOD BREAKING]
- Oh, shit!
You want Axel?
Here I am, motherfuckers!
[GROWLING]
- ALL: Axel! Axel!
- [ROARING]
Axel! Axel! Axel! Axel!
Axel! Axel!
- [GRUNTING]
- [SQUELCHING]
[PANTING]
So he wished for
his sister to come back?
How is that selfish, exactly?
VERMIN: Yeah. It's not like
he wished for, like,
a bug body or beetle wings,
or, like, a bigger dick or something.
Fine. What he wished for
wasn't exactly selfish,
but he still risked the mission.
He risked your mission.
Guess he thought saving
one person was more important.
- I agree.
- That doesn't change the fact
that he kept it a secret from me.
We're supposed
to have each other's backs.
Are you really that fucking dense?
Do you know how many times John tried
to escape my city to get back to you?
Fifteen times!
The dumb ass even cracked his head open
falling from a hang glider
made of pizza boxes.
He's not a thinker.
God, you two morons
are made for each other.
- [GROANING]
- [GASPING]
[GRUNTING]
Excuse me. Here comes the boot!
[CRUNCHES]
[PANTING]
Did I ever tell you girlies
about Ronald?
Ronald Hinkley.
He was the love of my life
No.
He had a shiny little ponytail,
and he was a soprano
in the ninth grade choir.
Oh, yeah. I used to get such
a snail trail when he'd sing.
Ave Maria
No one cares!
One summer, he was at Camp Finch,
and I was all the way
a mile away
at Camp Schodack.
So you know what we did?
We snuck out at night
so that we could see each other.
We made it work.
You know why?
Because despite our differences,
we were in love.
What happened to Ronald?
Oh, I dumped his ass
when he wouldn't put out.
You girls know what
I'm talking about, huh?
There's only so much
second base you can do
before you need to slide into home.
- [DISTANT SCREAMING]
- Shit.
Do you guys think that was John?
I mean, it might have been Stu.
I don't know. Should we go check?
Ugh.
"Should we go check?" [LAUGHING]
Maybe we should go check. Let's go.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUFFLED PANTING]
[PANTING ON RECORDING]
Surprise, motherfucker!
- [GRUNTING]
- [CLANGS]
[YELPING]
- Oh, no, no, no!
- [THUDS]
[GRUNTING]
- [CHAINS CLANKING]
- [GRUNTING]
Mayhem, now!
[SAW BLADE WHIRRING]
- [SCREAMING]
- [SQUELCHING]
- [STRAINING]
- [VOICE PULSING]
[SQUELCHING]
- [SAW BLADE SLOWING]
- Damn it.
I think he pissed his pants.
- You good?
- Yeah.
Yeah, why? Did I get some on me?
Holy shit, that was crazy.
How did you come up with that?
I hid out in a Blockbuster for a month,
survived off nothing but
stale candy and horror movies.
- [SCOFFS]
- Horror movies?
Hell, no. That's too scary.
- Oh, pussy.
- [LAUGHING]
Come on. Horror movies are great.
Although I refuse to watch
Deep Blue Sea.
I do not fuck with the ocean
or the shit that lives in it.
Way too scary.
Finally, someone understands
that the ocean sucks!
[LAUGHING]
Oh, shit.
Don't worry about it.
The way we took that guy down,
if we stick together, we can
Shit!
- John!
- Quiet.
Thank God you're alive.
Well, I mean, don't jinx it.
- Out of my way!
- [YELPING]
I got this.
[ROARING]
[CRASH TEST DUMMIES'
"MMM MMM MMM MMM" PLAYING]
[WINCING]
Once there was This kid who ♪
Got into an accident
And couldn't come to school ♪
But when He finally came back ♪
His hair had turned from
Black into bright white ♪
- [SQUELCHING]
- [ROARING]
He said that It was from when ♪
The cars had smashed So hard ♪
Mmm mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm ♪
[YELPING AND SCREAMING]
Mmm mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm ♪
Thank god he's on our side.
Yeah, for now.
I did it.
I killed without the gas.
DAVE: You did so good, bro.
Hey, you slaughtered those twelve steps.
Awesome. Awesome stuff, Axel.
Uh, real talk,
I don't know if taking away
this guy's one weakness
was the best idea.
Stu! Oh, there you are.
I don't know about you,
but I have had quite the day.
Long story short,
the doctor said my nuts are broken,
so I won't be shitting out
a baby anytime soon.
And it made me think
and reevaluate my life,
what I want.
I'm adopting you, son.
Oh, wow. Uh, what?
All right, squirt.
Not too old to play catch
with your old man, are you?
- Ugh.
- Come on, champ.
Got to keep your eye on the head.
[PA CHIMES]
CALYPSO: Congratulations,
my friends, to those who survived.
The Apocalypse Nine have been defeated.
You work well as a team.
Too bad, because next round
is every man for himself.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
Can we talk?
Yeah.
Quiet,
I'm sorry.
I messed up real bad.
You did.
I made a snap decision, and I regret it.
When Krista died,
we didn't really have time
to process it.
I'm sorry for that.
It just happened so fast.
If you ever want to talk about her,
just ask.
I think you should have it.
Thanks.
Come on.
We can fix this.
What the hell?
[♪]
[CALYPSO LAUGHING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[♪]