Batman (1966) s02e09 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Another dazzling day in Gotham City a metropolis which prides itself on family fidelity, paternal devotion and most particularly, its annual Mother of the Year presentation.
And so it gives me a great deal of pleasure to present the winner of this year's Mother of the Year Award.
Such a dear little lady.
Won't you say a few words, Mother of the Year? Why, Mrs.
Chairlady, I'd be happy to say a few words.
Stick them up! Now, calm down.
Calm down, ladies.
I wanna introduce my boys.
Pretty Boy.
Machine Gun.
And Mad Dog.
- And now, ladies-- -Ma.
Oh, yeah, my fourth child, a girl, Legs.
All right, boys, let's relieve these ladies of a few extra pounds.
- Ha-ha-ha.
-Thanks for letting me come along, Ma.
I don't know whether I should've.
Girls just don't belong in crime.
Ma, I'll prove myself.
Hand it over, fat lady.
I'm not fiat.
I'm not, I'm not.
The earrings.
Get the ring.
The money, the money in the purse.
Go on, boys.
This is bad news, Chief O'Hara.
Ma Parker and her boys in Gotham City.
Bad news, commissioner? It's disaster.
They've terrorized almost every other city in the country.
But they've never operated in our fair metropolis before.
Now, there's been a special reason for that, chief? Yes, sir.
We've got the finest law enforcement organization there is.
Chief O'Hara, let's give credit where credit is due, shall we? L just did.
I mean Batman and Robin, they're the ones she's always feared.
And you don't think she's frightened of them anymore? I wouldn't venture to guess but I do know it will take the Dynamic Duo to end her career once and for all.
I'll call him, sir.
Gosh, Bruce, Greek is still Greek to me.
It's Greek to a lot of Greeks too.
Heh.
It's one of the world's oldest, most important, most beautiful languages.
It may be, Aunt Harriet but can't we take a breather and work out in the gym for a while? But the mind needs exercise too, Dick.
Well, my mind is getting muscle-bound.
There's an old saying, Dick.
A sound mind and a sound body.
A worthy goal.
Now, what do you wanna do first? - Parse, conjugate, or decline? -Decline.
-It's the Batphone, sir.
-Hm? Yes.
It just occurred to me, Dick.
Commissioner Gordon is a Greek scholar of note.
He may be able to tell us more than books and blackboards.
I'd like to talk to him.
Excuse us, Aunt Harriet.
You know, Bruce comes up with such bright ideas.
Indeed, madam, yes.
Yes, commissioner? Batman, a crisis.
The infamous Ma Parker has invaded our fair city.
We're on our way.
To the Batpoles.
Why? This criminal record is incredible.
How, gentlemen? How has this Ma Parker remained at large? She's crafty, Batman.
She's clever.
But most of all, she's motherly.
You mean toward her four sons? Three sons and a daughter, Batman.
The girl, if anything, is even more dangerous than the boys.
Although Ma Parker only likes boys.
In fact, she calls every hoodlum her boy.
She's the greatest mother of them all.
Surely, a woman with her maternal instinct can't be all bad.
Don't let false sentiment trap you, Batman.
Ma Parker may also be the greatest menace of your career.
Holy rocking chair.
Gordon speaking.
What? Yes.
Fine.
The Gotham police have surrounded their hideout on Cherry Blossom Road.
Ma Parker and her family are inside.
Come on, Robin.
Let's help a little old lady across the street and in to the penitentiary.
All right, Ma Parker, we know you're in there.
We've got the house surrounded.
Hey, Ma, did you hear that? You eat your vegetables, Machine Gun, or you ain't gonna get no dessert.
Oh, Ma, I hate carrots.
They're good for your eyes, son, you eat them, help you shoot straight.
Hey, Mad Dog, that's my grapefruit.
You want it? Take it.
Stop the horseplay, you two.
Ma Parker, you haven't got a chance.
Surrender or we're coming after you.
Ma, do you think they mean it? You just eat your supper, boys.
I'll take care of them.
- We haven't got a chance.
-We have if we stand in the direct line of fire.
Ma Parker and her boys are known as the worst shots.
Yeah, maybe.
Here come the Cape Crusaders.
Well, well, guess who's paying us a social call, Batman and Robin.
Just like I hoped.
Nincompoops, how many times I have to tell you, Batman and Robin can't hurt us.
They can only help us.
Oh, gee, that's right.
I almost forgot.
Good old Ma.
You mean good old Dynamic Duo? It's no use, Batman.
Ma Parker has an arsenal in there.
It would take an army to get her out.
Holy gunpowder, Batman.
What can we do? Remember, Robin, they say an army travels on its stomach.
- I get it, Batman.
We crawl on the roof.
-Precisely, Robin.
This time, it won't be necessary to use Batropes.
What's happening, Ma'? Batman and Robin are climbing up the side of the house.
Where are they now, Ma? Oh, they're crawling along the drain pipe.
Boy, that was some meal, Ma.
Oh, they've reached the window.
Hey, Ma, what's for dessert? Apple pie.
Oh, they're coming through it.
They sure are.
- Batman, look out for Ma Parker.
-This Batmagnet should do the trick.
Legs, clear the table.
Go get him, boys.
My babies.
My boys, my poor boys.
What have you done to them, Batman? Sorry, Ma Parker, violence begets violence.
Oh, Pretty Boy, you're bleeding.
You're bleeding.
It's only ketchup.
A bottle fell on him.
Oh, Batman, please, please don't hurt my boys.
The law will see to their punishment, not I.
But, Batman, I'm only a poor mother all alone trying to raise my little brood the best I know how.
I didn't mean any harm.
I'm sure the law will deal with you mercifully, Ma.
Oh, thank you, Batman.
I always knew that you had a heart.
Look, Batman and Robin have captured her.
Ohh.
Oh, don't shoot, officers.
Don't shoot this old gray head.
Why, she looks like my own mother.
I never meant to harm anybody.
I'm just a poor mother trying to get along.
Take that, you sentimental fools.
Holy hairdo.
She's got a smoke bomb.
Come on, children, come on.
Batman, they're getting away.
Not if I can help it.
One down, four to go, Robin.
There they go.
- Let's go after them, Batman.
-it's no use.
We couldn't even find the Batmobile in this smoke.
At least we got one of their gang.
We would've had them all if I hadn't let my emotions lead me astray.
Mark my word.
I won't rest until Ma Parker and her brood are in Gotham State Penitentiary.
Neither will Ma, Batman.
Ha-ha-ha! I just programmed the crime computer, Robin.
It contains the information about Ma Parker and her activities.
Holy forecast, Batman.
- Can it really tell us where she'll strike next? -Criminals invariably follow a pattern, Robin.
Remember Archer and the way he worked.
I've designed this computer to trace that pattern electronically.
You think of everything.
When fighting crime, even the most minute detail must not be ignored.
Ah.
There's the answer.
The crime computer points out that Ma Parker's been robbing wealthy society gatherings.
The box office at the horse show.
The Flower Guild Tea Dance.
A wedding reception at the Gotham Plaza Hotel.
That may be interesting and very valuable but how can we tell where she's gonna strike next? In my everyday role as Bruce Wayne, I receive many invitations, Robin.
Today's social calendar includes the monthly meeting of the Gotham Breakfast Club.
But that's a little early even for Ma Parker.
There's the mayor's luncheon for that visiting prince.
But that's too heavily guarded.
And there's a special society gathering, a benefit at the Bijou Theater this afternoon.
It's been well publicized.
Now, that event may attract a wealthier crowd.
Bingo.
Maybe we better catch that matinee.
Yes, Robin.
We're off to the movies.
Good work, boys.
That was a four-star performance.
Look, Ma.
Let's get out of here.
Sonny, would you give a poor old lady a lift.
Beat it, Granny.
Why, is that any way for you to talk to your elders? Sorry, ma'am.
I've got a slight headache.
So now, I wanna pick up a pill.
Get in the back, kids.
- Okay, Caped Crusader, you got me.
-All right, let's see what's in that case.
- A violin.
-Yeah, Ma wants me to take lessons.
You'll have plenty of time to practice in the penitentiary.
Everything is going great, Ma.
Just like you planned.
I told you to wear a sweater in the air-conditioned theater, Mad Dog.
- Now you'll catch a cold.
-I'm okay, Ma.
That reminds me, I've gotta send Pretty Boy's long underwear.
And some of my special nutty cookies, huh? I hear the food's good in the pen, Ma.
Well, we're soon gonna find out, huh? We've scoured the city, Batman, no sign of that truck.
There's one more place we might try, Robin.
Remember what Ma Parker said before she got away about a slight headache? - You think she went to a drugstore? -Perhaps, but not for a headache tablet.
May I suggest you lock your car, sir.
Your local police are asking all Gotham City-ites to cooperate in their current campaign.
You might place this sticker on your bumper.
All right, folks, come on.
Just keep filling up the jar, it's for a worthy cause.
Come on, come on.
This is disgraceful.
Why should I give you my money? Because we give you trading stamps, dearie.
Come on, hand it over.
Looks like almost three grand, Ma.
Well, well, you're good for something even if you are a girl.
Aren't you glad Ma made you study arithmetic? I always say there's no substitute for a good education.
Speaking of arithmetic, Ma, look.
One and one makes two.
Her aim is not too good if the target is moving.
Let's keep it moving.
Look out, Batman.
Holy greeting cards.
He's out cold.
You saved us, Batman.
Yes, but where is Ma Parker? She got away while you were catching that one.
Thank you, Batman.
Thank you, Robin.
At least we're taking her boys out of action.
Yes, but remember what Commissioner Gordon said.
Ma Parker's girl is more dangerous than her three boys.
Her legs sort of reminded me of Catwoman's.
You're growing up, Robin.
Remember, in crime-fighting, always keep your sights raised.
I don't like admitting this, Robin.
But even the crime computer can't tell us where Ma Parker's hideout is.
In this mechanized age, it's a wonder that more machines don't get just as tired as people.
I mean, they have a goof or two coming.
She has to be someplace, and someplace in Gotham City where she can more or less melt into the background.
Holy camouflage! Exactly! Now, where would an old lady go? These days, just about anywhere.
Look at Aunt Harriet, the way she gets around.
But Ma Parker's different.
I suspect she'd be, at this point, making a conventional and an orthodox move.
An old people's home is conventional and orthodox.
But it's only for old people.
You're not only growing up, Robin.
But you've just proved that the human brain is the best thinking machine ever devised.
Gosh, maybe those Greek lessons are helping after all.
And what could be more orthodox than the Gotham City Old Folks Home on the outskirts of the city? I know it's a needle in a haystack.
It's a leap in the dark.
- Well, we leaped before, Batman.
-Let's go.
Here's a picture of Ma Parker.
Have you seen her? Why, she looks just like Mrs.
Smith.
Then we found her.
But it couldn't be.
Mrs.
Smith's an invalid.
- I'm sure she's not the one you want.
-Would you point her out? Why, yes.
She should be coming down the corridor right now.
It sure is nice and quiet, here.
Isn't it, Ma? So relaxed and pretty.
I don't think it's so relaxed and pretty.
Look.
- Look.
-it's Batman and Robin.
I surrender.
Not yet.
What a nincompoop.
- I knew I should never trust a girl.
-But, Ma-- How many times I have to tell you, we can't make it look too easy.
Holy Wernher von Braun! Look at that wheelchair go! How is she gonna get through the wall? She didn't.
All right, all right.
Batman, I give up.
I knew it was a mistake ever to come to Gotham City.
You're old enough to know that crime doesn't pay.
Oh, you're a very bright boy, sonny.
And also a very good boy.
You sure all this running around is good for you? And you think you get plenty of rest and nourishment, huh? Let's go, Ma Parker.
I can't help thinking that something's wrong.
NARRATOR".
Sometime later at Gotham State Penitentiary Congratulations, Batman and Robin.
Once again, you put vicious criminals where they belong.
The real work is only beginning, commissioner.
The work of rehabilitation.
-Isn't that right, Warden Crichton? -I'm glad you see it that way, Batman.
You see, Ma Parker, boys, you too, miss.
Our job at Gotham State Penitentiary isn't to punish you.
It's to help you become useful citizens again.
To make you understand that crime really doesn't pay.
Oh.
Not in Gotham City anyway.
Thanks to the Dynamic Duo.
Why, half this prison is filled with crooks they've caught.
That's right.
The most notorious, the most clever criminals are right here.
But even if they were to escape we know that Batman and Robin would bring them right back.
- We'd better be going, warden.
- Well, thank you again, Batman, Robin.
You've made me proud of my profession.
Warden.
All right, guards, take them to their cells.
Didn't you hear me? I said, take Ma Parker and her children back to the cell block.
What's the matter with you? What's going on around here? I'll tell you what's going on around here, warden.
We're taking over your prison.
Ha-ha-ha! What? I've been planning this for months.
One by one, I've been substituting members of my gang for your guards.
And now, the prison belongs to us.
Ha, ha.
Why, this is incredible.
I don't believe you.
Guards, help.
Guards.
It's no use, warden.
Ha, ha.
Ahh.
So you wanted Batman and Robin to capture you? Sure thing.
Why, warden, we're gonna use Gotham State Pen for our own purposes.
You said you got some of the smartest crooks in the country right here.
And now, we got you here too.
You can't prevail.
Not with Batman and Robin around.
What are you planning? Why, warden, it's already planned.
One of your trustees is taking care of Batman right now.
Ha, ha.
I was just looking at your great Batmobile engine, Batman.
It does the job.
Warden says his car won't do more than 70 on the road.
I bet you could do a hundred.
That's right, warden.
When the speedometer hits 60, the Batmobile blows up.