Leanne (2025) s02e09 Episode Script

[upbeat theme music playing]
Mom, it's your turn.
Oh, heavens, I was waiting on you.
How long has it been?
-Twenty-two minutes.
-Ah.
Okay, let's see what I got here.
[Carol giggles]
[sighing] Oh.
I know that lean.
That's the lean of a good date.
Yeah, I used to make fun of you
for doing this, but now I get it.
Somebody's smitten.
I am. And I think it's mutual.
He wants me to meet his dog.
He named it Taylor,
and I love dogs with human names.
I once knew a pit bull named Bridget.
I always wanted a dachshund named Steve.
"Come here, Steve,
you little walking wiener." [laughs]
[cell phone rings]
Oh, hold on. That's him.
Hey, you.
Yeah, I got home safe.
[chuckles]
I can't. They're listening.
Well, we're gonna have
to come up with a code word for that.
Okay, "pickle."
[laughing] It's the first thing
I thought of.
Now, whose turn is it now?
Still you, Mama.
Oh, no.
Carol, I need your help.
I can't take it anymore.
I've got to get out of this house!
Hold the pickle.
Leanne ♪
I love her to death,
but I cannot spend one more night
being Mama's date.
Honey, you'll meet someone.
Where? In the kitchen?
I need you to ask your new boyfriend
to get me a new boyfriend.
Would it be mean to say Clint and I
don't exactly have space for you
at the moment?
Well, can you make some?
Andrew's the only guy
I've dated since my divorce,
and he's obviously moved on,
and I need to, too!
All right, you're right, and I wanna help,
but I don't want to do him a favor
and give him the upper hand
in the relationship, then I'll owe him--
Oh, wait.
Owing him might be fun. Yeah, I'm in.
Thank you, and tell him I'm not picky.
Anyone will do.
Any Christian with strong arms, blue eyes,
and has a cozy cabin
in the Smoky Mountains.
Anyone will do.
[lilting music playing]
[Bill] Okay, next question.
"What should you do
when there's a school bus ahead
that starts flashing
yellow warning lights?"
Is this the bus with the regular kids?
Let's just move on.
His name is Dutch.
Okay, what else?
Uh, that's all I know.
-Oh, that's more than I had yesterday.
-Mm.
Oh, don't you girls look pretty?
Well, you stand a little taller
when your thong's a size too small.
It took two razors,
but I finally shaved my legs.
[Carol] Mm.
Where are you ladies off to?
A trendy new place called
None of Your Business, Bill!
Ha-ha. What are you doing here?
Helping your dad
with his driver's test. Ha-ha.
Daddy, I thought we agreed
you shouldn't be driving.
You agreed.
Next question.
Uh… "What do flashing yellow lights mean?"
Uh, live nude girls.
Oh, Lord. Mama, we got to stop this.
A lady picks her battles.
This one, we're gonna let
the State of Tennessee win for us.
[Carol] Can we please go?
This thong is not respecting its borders.
Wish me luck.
Have fun.
And remember, cross your legs
at the ankles, not the knees.
It's a dinner, not a burlesque show.
[whimsical music playing]
-[Carol] Oh.
-[Leanne] Ooh!
-Music, cocktails.
-[indistinct chatter]
People who don't need help
getting off the couch.
[Carol chuckles]
-I'm back, Knoxville.
-[laughs]
Oh, there's Clint.
It's like observing a beautiful creature
in its natural habitat,
completely unaware
of what I'm about to do to it.
Ooh, look who he brought for me.
-Is this my Harry Styles moment?
-[Carol laughs]
-Hey.
-Hi. [chuckles]
-That makes more sense.
-Oh…
I don't know which one of you is Luanne,
but I'm in either way.
[whimsical music playing]
All right, order up. Anything you want.
You two don't go up a belt notch,
I haven't done my job.
How generous.
So, Dutch, what do you do for a living?
Well, you got it right out there, huh?
You want to know how much I make?
No. No, I was just starting conversation.
I'm just busting your chops.
But high six figures. Sniffing seven.
I'm in the cake game.
You're a baker?
Urinal cakes.
How unique.
I brought those pink hockey pucks
into this century.
I'm the guy that
introduced designer colors,
corporate logos, aromatherapy.
You're not just peeing…
you're healing.
What were you thinking?
You gave me 24 hours.
This is a 24-hour guy.
So, urinal cakes.
Is that a family business?
Oh, no silver spoons here, sweetness.
Grew up in the south side flats
of Pittsburgh, but I'm all north side now.
-I love a hero's journey.
-Mm.
You know, I'm suddenly fascinated
with where you two crossed paths.
Oh, Clint does my landscaping.
He's an artist.
Cut me a shrub,
looks exactly like Terry Bradshaw.
People said it couldn't be done.
Couldn't or shouldn't?
[chuckles]
He's great looking,
great father, great friend.
Don't let him get away.
Oh, you have children?
Yeah, a 9-year-old, Taylor.
And you do or do not have a dog?
Just the kid.
Huh.
No kids for me.
That I know of.
You rascal.
-Say, Carol, wanna go to the bathroom?
-Wanna go to the bathroom?
Yes, desperately.
Well, I hate to see you leave,
but I love to watch you go.
Rascal. [chuckles uncomfortably]
Clint is a dad?
Dutch is my date?
What did you tell Clint about me
to where he thinks that arrogant pie wagon
is my Prince Charming?
[scoffs]
Hey, it's one night for you.
Suddenly, I'm dating a guy with a kid.
I have nothing in common with kids.
They don't day trade,
they haven't seen any good movies yet,
and you can't bum a smoke.
-We got to get through that dinner fast.
-Mm-hmm.
No starters, no coffee, no dessert.
Agreed. Just one small entrée,
and then we're out.
We might be in trouble,
because that guy's got family-style sides
written all over him.
[Carol exhales]
I swear I thought Clint
was talking about a dog.
I mean, what was he thinking
when I asked if Taylor liked belly rubs?
Okay, let's trade.
I'll take your sweet boyfriend
who's a good father,
and you can have the urine king.
I have a better idea.
Let's crawl out the window.
It's bolted.
Dutch has obviously
brought women here before.
[Carol exhales]
Here we go, ladies.
Strap on the feed bags.
Let's play a game where
we see who eats the fastest.
I'm in.
I know the Heimlich,
so don't waste time chewing.
Not me. That's what's wrong
with Western culture.
We're always in a hurry.
I've quit counting years
and started counting moments.
I'm doing that right now.
Whoa! Rib eye down!
I am so sorry.
-I'll get a new one immediately.
-Pa-pa-pap.
That steak stays right here
until I see the new one.
Why?
If he takes it in the back,
he'll wipe it on his pant leg
and slap it back on my plate.
New beef, chop, chop, quick like a bunny.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, don't apologize for me.
You made that poor man feel terrible.
He's fine.
I slipped him two 20s on the way in here.
He can dry his tears with one
and blow his nose in the other.
You know, uh, Dutch bowls a 260.
We should go bowling sometime.
-No.
-No.
She's still mad at me about the waiter.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
Why don't you just admit it?
Because that would be rude,
and I believe that you used
all the rude oxygen in this place.
No offense.
I'm not offended.
That's the first time I've heard
from the real Luanne all night.
-Give me more of it.
-I'd rather not.
I'd like to get through this dinner
without hurting anyone's feelings.
All right, let's talk about something
that has no feelings. Anything.
The candle, the table, Clint's hair.
No, no, no. The hair has feelings.
We're not leaving this table
until I find your thing.
Pick something now.
-Fine. Canadian geese.
-Attagirl. Nothing but trouble.
They're loud, they're mean,
and Canadians are usually sweet.
Migrating every year.
Be happy where you are.
-I was born in Saskatoon.
-And you have a kid.
Not to mention those flying buttholes
are circling your house
and pooping all over your garden.
Sometimes I just want
to grab my daddy's rifle
and blow 'em out of the sky!
Marry me.
Not in a million years!
[whimsical music playing]
Well, I will not be leaning wistfully
against that door tonight.
I feel like I could just bust
right through it like the Kool-Aid Man.
Dutch unleashed the beast in me.
Well, that's what you want
from a man on a date.
It sounds like it went well.
He was rude and vulgar,
and we have nothing in common,
and we're going out again.
Why would you want to go on a second date
with an uncouth hooligan?
Because I discovered the beauty
in finally just speaking my mind.
In mixed company?
That's what made it fun.
I-- I hope you maintained
some level of decorum, Carol.
I was too stunned to participate.
Turns out Clint has a kid.
How nice. Boy or girl?
I don't know.
When it was a dog, it didn't matter.
[lilting music playing]
So, you're kind of quiet today.
Well, it's Lent
and I have given up gossip, so…
Oh, Mary, we both know that's a lie.
All right, I'll give up chocolate.
Guess who is getting a divorce? [exclaims]
And three, two, one, blast off.
What do you think?
So new.
And unexpected.
-It-- It's wonderful.
-Oh!
[chuckles] Your mama's all done.
That's a new style for you.
Well, Kimi's out of town,
so Cricket jumped in and worked her magic.
[Cricket] Oh.
Did you ask for this particular magic?
No, but I'm blessed to receive it.
Let's go settle up.
Miss Mary, you're next.
Pa-pa-pap.
This is not the hair my mother asked for.
Leanne, it's fine.
No, it's not. You're paying for this.
You're gonna get what you want.
You're gonna have to redo this.
Oh, I wish I could, but Miss Mary's next
and I don't want to keep people waiting.
Oh, oh, I don't mind waiting.
Yes, you do. Why don't you just admit it?
I'm trying to accommodate you.
Why are you yelling at me?
Because none of us
are ever gonna get what we want
if we don't start speaking up
for ourselves.
You should be mad at me.
You should be mad at her.
And you should feel bad for my mama
with that bird's nest on her head.
Now, you need to fix it.
Chop, chop, quick like a bunny.
Leanne, you are making a scene.
And I don't care.
We're not going to leave
until Cricket makes this right.
Now, who got divorced and why?
[lilting music playing]
-[seatbelt warning chimes]
-Fail.
What?
You need to put
your seatbelt on first thing.
Oh, we're following all the rules?
Or we could go apply
for your bus pass right now.
I ain't riding
with no hookers and drug addicts.
They always recognize
the bus driver from prison.
Also, you might want to try to keep
that lighthearted banter to a minimum
around your instructor.
I hope it's a gal.
I'll put her under my spell.
In the unlikely event
her knees don't buckle, let's try again.
[Daddy John groans]
Fail.
Quit saying that.
You didn't check your mirrors.
I don't have to.
You got that backup camera-looky thing.
No, you can't use that during the test.
I also can't twist my neck.
Okay, look.
Put the car in park,
start over, and get it right.
[grunts]
Ow.
Ow.
[grunting] Ow.
Ow.
There. All three mirrors
say the same thing.
I am a handsome son of a bitch. You happy?
Very good. Proceed.
I was driving great till you came along.
[pensive music playing]
Something wrong?
No.
You haven't read
a single street sign out loud,
and we just passed Tugaloo Drive,
and that's your favorite.
I'm very disappointed in you, Leanne.
Because I stood up for you,
and your hair looks amazing?
It's the manner
in which you achieved the goal.
I got you what you wanted.
I would rather have left
looking like a troll doll
than to have you behave the way you did.
Well, if we'd have left there
without saying anything,
you'd be complaining
until your next appointment.
Yes, in the privacy of my own home,
not making a scene,
not shaming someone in public.
It's called getting what you pay for.
It's called acting like a brazen Yankee,
and I don't care for it.
So we just need to do it the Southern way
and expect everybody
to be happy except us.
Well, there's something
to be said for manners and civility.
Well, I've had civility up to my eyeballs.
Southern women just need to let it rip.
Or they could continue to believe
there's more power in restraint.
I am restrained.
Of course you are, dear.
-I am.
-Uh-huh.
I know what you're doing.
Good, then we can stop talking about it.
Oh, look at that.
Peyton Manning
sponsored this highway cleanup.
What a gentleman.
[lilting music playing]
[arcade machines chiming]
[sighs]
Ah, he's got his heart set
on those headphones.
Well, I have a pair at home.
I can just give him those.
[groans]
Do we have any more tokens?
Let me go cash in another 20.
Bring back beer.
Hey.
I get you those headphones,
you give me a thumbs-up with your dad.
-Deal?
-Deal!
Yes! Quick, get it!
-Yes!
-Cool!
[exhales happily]
You know, I could be your weekend mommy.
[lilting music playing]
You should have seen me at the salon.
I went straight at her.
No filter, no tiptoeing
around people's stupid feelings.
[laughs] Attagirl.
You know, I'm thinking about
teaching seminars out by the airport.
-I'd take that class.
-[Dutch chuckles]
To friendship.
No, that's too much. To frenemies.
I don't like you,
but I like who I am with you.
That's high praise for someone
who had to beg her sister for a date.
Well, as you can imagine,
I was thrilled when I scanned the bar
and said, "Anyone but him,"
and lo and behold, you're him.
Yep, I'm him.
Hey, uh, if I have to bail early,
uh, that won't be hard on you, right?
You're used to eating alone. [chuckles]
That's the beauty
in having a family to go home to.
What's waiting on you?
Totino's Pizza Rolls and Jimmy Fallon?
Your turn. Come on.
Let me have it.
Nah, it's just, I…
Dutch?
Just give me a second.
-Are you crying?
-Shut up.
"Shut up, you menopausal windbag"?
"Luanne"?
What's going on over there?
I've driven away
everyone I love in my life,
and I have nobody to blame but myself.
Oh, my Lord, Dutch.
I would not have entered
into this playful sparring
if I knew that
you were capable of deep emotion.
Aggressively confident guys
have feelings too.
Oh, you poor thing.
I don't need your pity.
It's not pity, it's kindness.
And I believe under all that bluster,
there's a beautiful soul
who's got a lot to give
and just needs
to find the right person to give it to.
Could you be that person?
-No.
-Oh.
But I could be the one to give you a hug.
I'll take it.
I think I like this version of you better.
Me too.
I dipped my toe
over the Mason-Dixon Line for 48 hours,
and I never want to do it again.
Welcome home.
What a dark, strange trip that was.
I'm going to be saying "I'm sorry"
for weeks to come.
Well, if you operate
within the Southern woman handbook,
you never have to go on an apology tour.
Mm. I'm glad I can draw from it
when I need it.
You should have seen
the smile I slapped on my face
when I got roped into
Taylor's soccer game.
Oh, my God.
Southern manners are going to have me
passing out juice boxes from a minivan.
[car doors close]
Oh, here comes Daddy and Bill.
Oh, I know that look.
He didn't pass. Thank goodness.
So how'd it go, sweetheart?
-Failed.
-Oh, no.
I still drove home
just to prove 'em wrong.
Oh, no.
I did everything Bill told me.
No, he did not.
The good news is
I passed the written test real good.
No, he did not.
Hey, 47% has elected
more than one president.
Yeah, you were robbed.
Come on, let's go drink to forget.
You'll get them next time, Tiger.
I know you did your best, Daddy.
On behalf of all pedestrians
and mailboxes, stay off the road!
And there you have it.
The three degrees of Southern Women.
Too warm, too cold, and just right.
I told you the State of Tennessee
would do our dirty work for us.
[Carol laughs]
Oh.
Ladies.
[upbeat music playing]
[closing theme music playing]
Leanne ♪
Leanne ♪