Nobody Wants This (2024) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Hot ♪
Hot, hot ♪
I've tried being patient with my agent
But then I had a change of heart ♪
If I get a text from another ex
I swear I'm gonna ♪
Look at that.
Bed folds right into the wall.
[scoffs] So bleak.
We don't know anyone with a great place
who's about to die, do we?
I just can't believe
that Fabrizio was so sensitive.
I've said way worse things
about people who did not evict me.
What about that one?
That one looks nice, actually.
You want me to live in the Valley?
That is what you want for me?
[Noah] Don't get discouraged.
You're gonna find something.
You might love it more
than your place now. You never know.
This one's cute. I love Spanish style.
Oh, it has a breakfast nook
and a bay window.
I might learn to knit.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
What are you gonna do with three bedrooms?
I don't know. I was just thinking ahead.
Yeah. I mean, obviously,
you know, in a perfect world,
we'd just move in together, but
it's all about timing.
You're gonna find a place you love so much
you're never gonna wanna leave.
[pensive music plays]
[Joanne] Yeah, that's fine.
Perfect.
[music fades]
She obviously wants to move in together,
but I let her know,
without hurting her feelings, I don't
think it's such a good idea right now.
She seemed to understand. You know?
She, uh, said it was fine.
[Sasha] She said it was fine?
God, you're adorable.
Truly, what a pure soul.
- [Noah] What? I don't get it.
- Yep.
When Esther says that she's fine,
I understand that to mean
that she is not fine,
and it is my job
to figure out what's wrong.
And that applies
to every other woman without exception.
Honestly, Esther's been saying
that she's fine a lot lately,
and it's terrifying.
Maybe she is fine.
Last night, she pretended to take a call
while I was trying to connect with her.
The home screen was lit up.
I didn't have the heart to tell her.
- I don't love that.
- [Sasha] Nope.
[Noah] Well, I wouldn't worry.
You guys are solid.
And I know Joanne and I are, too, but
[Sasha] Gotta tell ya,
I really thought she'd be Jewish by now.
I can't rush it.
I don't wanna put pressure on her.
You know, I always think,
if I could choose to be Jewish,
would I choose to be Jewish?
Yeah?
I mean, yeah, I love being Jewish,
but is it the best religion?
I don't know. Never got to shop around.
Oh! Oh! Fake. Oh!
- Oh boy! Your boy went up high.
- Oh! [chuckles]
Don't even try it.
Peace offering?
It's from Courage.
Have any idea how long that line is?
Fine. [groans]
Oh, wow. You have a ring and everything.
It was his grandma's,
so I couldn't give notes.
But it's fine. Come on.
- Close the door behind you.
- I know how to close a door, Morgan.
Actually, I'd honestly prefer
if you stand for this
'cause I want it to feel formal.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
Okay, so for what exactly?
I'm just curious.
For being a monster
at your dress shopping.
Wedding dress shopping.
Right. Wedding dress shopping.
- Yeah.
- But--
Andy says that you can't start an apology
with "but," or it's not an apology at all.
I didn't start the apology with the "but."
It was at the end.
- Whatever. You know what I mean.
- Yes, fine. You're right.
I'm sorry, period.
You needed a friend, and I wasn't there,
and I'm gonna do better.
So why now? I mean,
you've had, like, days to apologize.
I just came to the realization
that I need my sister.
- Okay, so there's a Noah problem.
- No.
- Yes. Come on.
- No.
- That's not That's actually not it.
- Okay, what is it?
I was evicted.
- Fabrizio, like, heard all of that stuff
- Oh, shit.
I admitted to on the podcast.
- Mm.
- I'm just flattered he's a listener.
Fuck. Okay, listen.
I'm sorry. I told Fabrizio
that we gave him a shout-out.
- What?
- I know.
- [Joanne] Morgan!
- I'm sorry.
- This is your fault.
- It's just the truth. I'm sorry.
Okay, guess what? We are even.
Whoo! Okay, all the anxiety
just left my body.
- [Morgan] Fine. We're even.
- Yeah. Great.
- Even Stephens. You're forgiven.
- Good. So are you.
Hold on.
Why don't you just move in with Noah?
- That's a great question.
- Oh, there's the Noah problem.
Yep. [sighs]
I feel ready,
but apparently, I'm alone in that.
But moving in with someone
before you think things through
can lead to seeing a couples therapist
named Lois. So things could be worse.
What? You guys are in therapy?
If I'm gonna open up to you about this,
I need you to swear to me
that you're not gonna hold it against me.
You can't say "I told you so,"
or anything.
- All right?
- I get it.
And I swear. Okay?
Okay.
- So we ran into his ex-girlfriend.
- Mm.
Helena.
And she was prettier than you?
- No. Not at all.
- Oh.
If I'm being really honest in the spirit
of honesty and an honest conversation,
yes, she's much prettier than me.
Anyway, she
is also his ex-patient.
- [Joanne] Hm.
- [Morgan] Hm.
Mm.
Hm.
Hm.
You're having a brain aneurysm
trying not to judge this, aren't you?
[laughs] Mm-mm.
I support you going to therapy
and addressing your concerns.
Thank you.
Don't hold it against him either.
I'm gonna handle this.
- Uh, great.
- [Morgan] I am.
I know you will.
I won't hold it against him.
I was gonna invite you guys
to this happy hour beer garden thing
we're all going to.
Me, Noah, Sasha, and Esther.
I do wanna get to know Dr. Andy better.
Well, that's a start.
Honestly, it sounds kind of fun.
I can drop little hints
about how fun it is to live with someone.
You know? Really subtly.
- Don't even bother. I think you're right.
- Hm.
We shouldn't rush it,
and I'd rather move in with him
when he feels excited about it,
not because I'm homeless.
[Morgan] Mm.
Andy says the word is "unhoused."
So when I heard about Helena,
I didn't have an issue with it because--
[scoffs] Helena! Oh my God.
We barely got out of
that one alive, right?
[chuckling] Oh my
Sorry. Go on.
All right. Anyway, um,
when I met her and, you know, found out
that patient dating is, like, his thing,
I was, like, obviously very upset,
you know?
Oh my God. Of course. Of course.
I mean, it does not look good.
Thank you.
Yeah, but life is unexpected. You know?
It served him at the time. We had to
go through that in order to get to here.
[chuckling] Oh yeah!
We sure did. Wow.
Okay. Um, anyway, it also made me realize
that, like, I just don't know
anything about him.
Now, to be fair, Morgan
Yes?
you have not asked me a single question
about me in two years.
What? Are you fucking
You were my therapist.
I was paying you to listen.
I'm not supposed to ask you questions.
This is what I was talking about.
It's exactly what you said.
This is what I was saying.
- It's worse than I thought.
- [sighs]
Morgan, I think you should
get to know each other.
Andy may turn out to be
the love of your life, right?
You don't want to mess all that up
for some woman named Helena.
Morgan, just give me another chance.
Please.
Get to know me.
Oh, fuck.
That's moving.
[Sasha] Okay, this one or this one?
This one's got, like,
a Benny Blanco thing going on.
This one's more like cool Japanese guy.
I don't know. God, they're both so good.
- Oh, I don't know, Sash. I don't care.
- [Sasha] What are you talking about?
You love picking my clothes.
Not today. Just do you.
Okay.
What's going on?
And do not tell me that you're fine.
Sash.
I'm just tired
of picking your outfits every single day
and telling you
our bank account information
and showing you
how to literally use the dishwasher.
Like, I'm not your mother.
Okay.
Wow.
Just do, um
Sash, just do the Japanese guy.
- [Sasha] That's what I was gonna do.
- Okay.
I like the I like the Japanese guy.
[intriguing music plays]
- There he is.
- Oh, hey!
- Ey! Joanne, find a place to live yet?
- [music fades]
Not yet, but it's all good.
I'm sure something will come up soon.
- Okay.
- I'll help sort through listings tomorrow.
- Great.
- Have you ever considered Orange County?
- Feels like there's cute places there.
- How dare you! Pooh, pooh, pooh.
- Did you pooh, pooh, pooh?
- She pooh, pooh, poohed.
Yeah, isn't that what you say
to ward off the evil spirits?
- No, you did good.
- Yeah.
Orange County, no. I refuse to be
one of those people who enjoys the beach.
I just can't imagine that for myself.
- I can't imagine living by myself.
- [Esther] Oh, I can.
Put something down, and then later, when
you're looking for it, it's still there.
Sounds amazing.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- [Morgan] Hi, everyone.
You're welcome. This hang
will no longer be boring because
we brought a game.
- Oh. Ah!
- Oh, hell yeah.
[upbeat music plays]
Believe it when ♪
"Answer these questions
for deep conversation," okay?
"To address conflict,
uncover secrets, or spark play."
- [Esther] Ooh!
- High stakes, high rewards, guys.
Wait, your couples therapist
gave you a game?
Um, she invented it,
sold the movie rights.
I'm an associate producer now.
- Really? Wow.
- Isn't that crazy?
This is very fun. We're doing it.
I'm sick of having the same
boring conversations with you guys.
- Oh, there she is. I missed you.
- [Esther] Yes.
Stop getting along. It's off-putting.
- Joanne, I am picking you a card first.
- [Joanne] Great.
- Wait, don't look at it.
- I'm allowed.
[Joanne clears throat]
"A time I pretended I wasn't crying was"
- [Morgan] Mm.
- [Joanne] Oh, wow. These are intense.
Um
Oh, probably that car commercial
where the dad drives away
and drops the kid at college.
No. No. Joanne.
No jokes. You have to be real.
The one where the dad's
looking in the rearview mirror.
He sees his son fading into the distance.
- Sure. Yeah.
- That's sad.
Joanne, something real.
Okay. Um
Oh, I know what it is. Um
When Mom and Dad told us
they were getting a divorce.
- Oh. Yeah.
- [Joanne] Do you remember?
I mean, I was an adult,
and I was happy for them.
I was just really sad
that it took that long,
and I was embarrassed,
so I hid from Morgan in the bathroom
while I cried.
- Mm, you did?
- [Noah chuckles]
[Morgan] I didn't know that. [sighs]
I hate it when you cry.
Aw. I never get to see you guys
be sweet to each other.
I mean, to be fair,
I hate it when she cries
because she's a really ugly crier, so
- [laughter]
- She really is.
[Andy] See? You guys.
- She's back.
- The game is working!
"Weirdest thing I do alone."
Uh
I mean, I vote for every
American Idol contestant that I love
on all of my devices.
I've been 90% right.
Can't unhear that.
- [Andy] Who's next?
- [Sasha] Uh, Esther.
Oh. I stole a thong
from Victoria's Secret.
[exhales] When I got arrested in Thailand.
- That was so scary.
- It was wild.
Oh, young Maggie Smith. 100%.
This is easy.
When someone says, "I read that,"
but they listened to the audiobook.
I know that I do that,
but at least I know it's annoying.
- [Noah] Do you?
- Yes!
[laughter]
The boat is docked on shore.
I jump off, I hit the sand,
but the backpack is so heavy that
I just actually fall backwards anyway.
It gets wet. From the beginning,
I could've just jumped in.
- It's like a cartoon.
- Exactly. I'm, like, going in.
- That's amazing.
- [Andy sighs]
Uh, Esther, I think it's your turn.
- I think it's your turn.
- Oh, goodness gracious.
- Okay. "My deepest fantasy is"
- Ooh.
Hm.
[Esther] Okay. Uh, my deepest fantasy
Oh, I know. It's to be Diane Keaton
in Baby Boom. Pre-baby.
Oh, she's just like a tiger lady
living on the tenth floor,
eating steak every night at 11:00 p.m.
No kids. No husband.
Right? She can do whatever she wants
whenever she wants.
- Oh my fucking God.
- Okay. That seems like a new one.
You don't let us eat past 7:00 p.m.
When are
Okay, that's why it's a fantasy.
It's not real.
It kinda sounds like
you want it to be real.
- I think you're up next.
- Yeah, I think it's me.
It's my turn. My turn, my turn. Excuse me.
"What was a difficult decision
you made recently?"
Oh, this one's very obvious.
Yeah, sure.
Um, my decision to leave Temple Chai.
It was a tough one, but I stand by it.
- Boom.
- But that was a while ago, wasn't it?
- I think the card--
- No.
That was a tough decision
to leave Temple Chai,
but the card says recently.
- I can't think of anything else.
- Really?
Nothing from like, I don't know,
this morning or
Deciding if you wanna live together, or
I don't think this is the place
to talk about that.
Everyone else is answering
really honestly.
- Sometimes too honestly.
- It's a game.
- I'll answer another card.
- No.
No, no. You can't do that.
I don't even think that's legal, bro.
Why would you not just
answer the question honestly?
Because it wasn't
a difficult decision, Joanne.
[Noah sighs]
It wasn't?
I am sorry. I will explain later, okay?
No, that's fine.
[Joanne exhales]
No, it is legal.
Yeah, you can do that. Okay, it's my turn.
"What is something
you need to let go of or release?"
Oh, this one is actually pretty easy.
It is the anger
that I have towards my twin brother.
I'm sorry, you have a twin?
Yeah, Branigan.
Sorry, Morgan, you did not know
that this man here has a twin brother?
No. Nope. He didn't tell me. No.
Well, you didn't ask.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have to ask
if you have a twin, right?
- Why would I ask?
- I'm sorry.
That's the kind of thing
that just comes up in conversation.
Well, now you know. [chuckles]
Because of this beautiful game, right?
- Who's next?
- Nobody.
- Don't think anyone wants to play anymore.
- What do you mean?
Everybody else got three turns.
I'm gonna take my third turn.
[Esther] Great.
[Sasha] All right.
"What's your newest passion?"
It's kind of easy.
Um, obviously, it's not new,
but I've been really enjoying
my jiu-jitsu classes lately.
[Andy] Mm.
Sorry, what?
Uh, jiu-jitsu.
- Jiu-jitsu?
- I thought you quit.
Uh, no, I didn't quit.
I just stopped telling you
because you weren't interested,
but I'm actually a purple belt.
- It's kind of a big deal in some circles.
- In which circles?
I've never heard you mention this.
Are you joking? I
- I invite you guys to all my tournaments.
- [Joanne] I thought that was spam.
Okay, and now we know you have tournaments
that we're gonna go to.
Okay, yeah. I started doing jiu-jitsu
because I was so depressed at work,
and I was looking for somewhere
to put all the aggression I had.
Esther, I hired a job counselor.
Okay, sorry. It's okay.
- It's not okay.
- Babe, it's okay.
- You're shouting at a bar.
- Nobody fucking listens to me.
I gotta field everybody else's problems.
Noah's like, "Joanne wants to move in,
but I don't want her to."
- Sasha!
- [Sasha] "Now she's upset."
- You said that?
- He's doing a bad job paraphrasing.
[Sasha] And you make us play this game
because you literally don't know anything
about the man that you are going to marry.
- Oh my God.
- [Sasha] It scares you.
Are you fucking serious right now?
You're probably fine because I guess
you can marry the love of your life,
and she still hates your fucking guts.
- Anyway, happy for you guys.
- Sasha. I do not hate your fucking guts.
Oh, really?
Because you just described a fantasy
in which I do not exist.
- I'm an associate producer on this.
- It was an alternative universe.
[Sasha] And I swear to God
[somber music plays]
I haven't seen Sasha that heated
since the Star Wars prequels.
He's in for a long night with Esther.
I don't think Sasha's the one
you need to be worried about right now.
[music fades]
Why don't we talk about
what's happening with us?
Of course. Yes, you're right.
[keys clatter]
[door closes]
Okay, listen.
Jo.
I'm so sorry. I should not have said
that it was an easy decision.
I'm just
a little confused, Noah. Um
You seem to have one foot on the gas
and one foot on the brake.
And honestly, it's reminding me
of my previous relationships.
Am I not reading
the signs here properly? Um
'Cause I assumed
that it was a difficult decision
because I thought
you wanted a future with me.
You know I want that.
Then
what's the problem?
I mean, I know it's fast,
but that's life, Noah.
I mean, I got evicted.
I need a place to live.
I'm in a happy, secure relationship.
Why wouldn't we move in together?
You know why. Because we haven't answered
the question of conversion yet.
Okay? And I am scared.
I am scared
that if we move in together now,
then that'll be it.
And we will never deal with the question
of conversion because we won't have to.
And I will be unhappy.
And maybe even resentful.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't see
The same look in your eyes ♪
I don't know.
I mean, I feel like
I'm inching towards conversion,
but I I can't guarantee it.
And what if it takes me
till I'm, like, 100?
Are we gonna be 100
and not living together?
If you can't move in with me as I am now,
I don't see how we do move forward.
Joanne, part of being in a relationship
is dealing with these issues.
And we will.
It's hard to stay ♪
Leaving hurts ♪
I feel like
we've been saying that a lot lately.
I'm not sure which one is ♪
And what if we can't figure it out?
'Cause tonight ♪
You know?
the love I used to know ♪
And what if we're just too afraid
to say that out loud?
Don't say it.
Just how long it's been
I can't recall ♪
Don't you think we deserve
to be in relationships
where we can both be exactly who we are
while still moving forward?
Maybe.
I already miss ♪
It's hard to stay ♪
Leaving hurts ♪
And I'm not sure
Which one is the worst ♪
'Cause tonight I'll hold the love
I used to know ♪
Listen to a heart letting go ♪
When you decide to say goodbye ♪
How am I supposed to live without you? ♪
I don't know ♪
Don't know why I'm holding on ♪
We both know that you're already gone ♪
It's hard to stay ♪
Leaving hurts ♪
And I'm not sure
Which one is the worst ♪
' Cause tonight I'll hold the love
I used to know ♪
Listen to a heart letting go ♪