Shifting Gears (2025) s02e09 Episode Script
Dog
1
Hey, Dad. Guess what?
Life isn't always a blistering
wound of chaos and despair.
Look who's in a cheery mood.
Some bookstore must have closed
and turned into a new dispensary, huh?
I went to an estate sale.
This lady had the coolest stuff.
And after I eliminated everything
she could have died in, on, or under,
I bought this.
Huh, actually looks like a
knockoff of a Frank Matranga,
- a very famous California potter.
- [RILEY] Hmm.
But I'm sure the only
Potter you know is Harry.
Business has been great, so
I thought I'd treat myself.
And I haven't bought any
art since I got that poster
of a cat reading the
newspaper on the toilet
that I hung above the toilet.
Ah. Hey, um
you know where that would
fit is up in my guest room.
You mean my room?
- I thought you liked it.
- I do like it.
It just doesn't fit the
aesthetic here I've got going on.
I've been doing work
I'll put it like a millennial.
I don't like the vibe, bro.
What about my vibe, dude?
God forbid I should have
one thing in this house.
Wow. Well, you got two things.
Georgia and that other
one, uh, Carlson
Oh. Oh, God, um, what is his name?
Hey, guys.
This is Carlos Joaquín de la
Mancha Kobe-Bryant Martinez.
But you can call him Charlie.
Aw, he's so cute and tiny.
It kinda makes me
want to have another
No.
[GASPS] A dog!
Where? Hiding behind
that little white rat?
Lily's family needs someone to dog-sit
while they're in San Diego.
For a funeral, not for something fun.
Actually, we are going to
SeaWorld after the funeral.
And Legoland. It It's not important.
I told them we could watch
Charlie, if that's okay?
- Of course.
- How about asking the homeowner?
Please, Grandpa? He's adorbs.
Who's gonna boost my
TikTok viewer retention?
You are!
Who's gonna stay in
a kennel all weekend?
You are!
[ROCK THEME PLAYING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Come on, Charlie.
He's here!
Charlie, let's get you into hair
and makeup for our first video.
Why is he wearing a vest?
Is he parking cars now?
No, he's an emotional support animal.
What emotions does he support?
The only ones I feel are
shame and embarrassment.
Ignore him.
The only emotional support animal
he believes in is slow-cooked pork.
Why are you being such
a pain? You like dogs.
I love dogs, but I like
full-size regular dogs,
Labradors, Rottweilers.
That thing looks like Colonel
Sanders mated with a Labubu.
Is that all his stuff?
Yeah, these are Charlie's treats,
which aren't as good as they look.
Look, if they didn't want me to eat 'em,
shouldn't have made 'em
look like little sausages.
Oh, and here's his anti-anxiety meds.
- Ooh.
- Riley.
What? I'm not stealing pills from a dog.
The dosage is way too low.
Oh, and here's his food.
Lily has him on a
strict, meat-free diet.
The dog is a vegan? And
what else is in there?
Cashew lasagna and a fear of effort?
Carter, put it down!
What? I want healthy bones
and a shiny coat. Sue me.
Yeah. This is gonna be a badass Caddy.
You know what I want you to do,
is get your schematics together
and start listing where
you want to go with this.
You got it, boss. I'll
get it to you on Saturday.
- Alright. Cool.
- Got a little hair on you.
Oh. Damn.
I'm with that dog one day,
I got hair all over me.
Gimme. Give me that thing.
You know, I used to date
a woman that was into that.
Man, she used to dress me
up like a Phillie Phanatic.
Man, that woman was crazy.
I should call her.
Can you help me with my back there?
Can you grab that?
Oh. Alright.
I feel like I need consent
before I venture into the badonk-a-donk.
Just keep rolling before I
kick you in the badonk-a-donk.
Get that junk off that dirty trunk!
[MATT] Easy!
You guys really need an HR department.
We don't need an HR department.
We like being mean to
each other around here.
Hey, babe. You forgot
your toothbrush last night.
I didn't forget it.
I thought maybe I could
keep it at your place
since I'm spending so much time there.
You guys are getting serious.
I never even used to let
women know where I live.
My motto: Go find the freaky.
Don't let the freaky find you.
Well, we can't go to my place.
I've got three roommates,
and we're all dancers.
So there's always one girl in the shower
and another wrapped in a
towel banging on the door.
Mm.
You know what? Let me help you out.
How about you move in with
Gabe and I move in with them?
You moving in does kinda make sense.
- Really?
- Yeah. You're there like every night.
And, I mean, you already
moved in your toothbrush.
Are you asking me to move in with you?
Stitch started it.
But, yeah. Why not?
Not the most romantic thing
I've ever heard, but sure.
Why not? [CHUCKLES]
Wow, this is so exciting!
Woo-hoo!
Alright, I'm gonna go break
the news to my roommates.
- Alright.
- The naked ones?
Hey, I'll do it.
Stitch, it's a fourth-floor walk-up.
I'll make it work.
♪♪
You know, you got no nuts.
That's empty calories.
In his defense, he's
like an old sea captain
scratching a leg that
hasn't been there for years.
Hey, Pops. Eve sent a
picture from her tour.
- Wanna see?
- No.
If your phone is
anything like your laptop,
I definitely don't want
to see what's on there.
Alright, but I'm here when
you're ready to heal, brochacho.
[SIGHS] Must be hard hearing about Eve
having all these incredible adventures.
No, I'm having my own adventure here.
Looking at Gabe's punch
list for that Cadillac,
and he keeps putting a
dancing girl emoji on here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[TEXT WHOOSHES]
You just sent Gabe an eggplant emoji.
Take the dog, okay? I
need the dog out of here.
Oh, really? [SCOFFS]
I can't have a vase. I can't have a dog.
I can't shout out the answers
during Wheel of Fortune.
You already saw that episode.
It's the same thing over and over.
It's your house, your rules.
Your guest room I have
to share with your globe
where you've blacked out all
the countries that are communist.
Don't I get any say?
It was bad enough when I was a teenager,
but now I'm a mom and
I run my own business
And I'm a homeowner.
Why don't you get
yourself your own home?
- You know what? I will.
- Well, good luck with that.
I'm sick of not feeling welcome
in what I thought was my own home.
What you thought was wrong.
Okay. That's it.
Consider this my notice.
We are moving out.
And for your information,
California's not a communist country.
Just give it time.
- [MESSAGE CHIMES]
- Oh.
- Gabe just sent me a heart emoji.
- [BARKS]
You started sending
these, finish it off.
♪♪
Hey, do you guys know any apartments
that are cheap but nice?
'Cause the place I'm
living in is free but mean.
Well, you know, my
neighbor's almost 100.
I could startle him.
Tell him I'm dating his granddaughter.
[GABE] Why would you want to move out?
You get to live with Matt Parker.
You should have seen what
he texted me yesterday.
I need my own space.
But apartments are so expensive. Ugh.
Completely unrelated,
these lattes are now $200.
And don't forget to tip.
♪♪
It's not gonna work. You know why?
Because I don't think you're that cute.
You're just an odd-looking
dog. That's all there is to it.
[CHARLIE WHIMPERING]
[SCRATCHING DOOR]
Alright, alright, alright,
alright, alright, alright.
Okay, gosh. Come in here.
You know, the people
that really like you?
They're gone.
Maybe for the weekend,
probably gone forever.
Yeah, that's what Eve did to me.
Gone forever.
[WHIMPERING]
Oh, boy.
Alright. They're not gone forever.
Look, don't tell anybody I did that.
Or else I'll make you watch
those Sarah McLachlan commercials.
- [BARKING]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty spooky, right?
Alright, a little cozy, but cute.
What do you guys think?
Smells kinda weird.
And that's from the guy
who's single-handedly keeping
"Pull my finger" alive.
Nice, huh?
But it's a competitive
market. You need to act fast.
Look, she might fall for your
"manufactured scarcity" trick,
but we both know the
market is softening.
Uh
Pardon my daughter.
She's getting her MBA
from the University of Shark Tank.
Why don't you guys go
check out the bedrooms?
Remember, I need the bigger bedroom
for my crypto mining farm.
Uh, sorry. No home businesses.
[GEORGIA] It's not a
business, it's a lifestyle!
Ignore her. We're not high rollers.
You didn't tell us we'd all
have to share a bathroom.
Yeah, it's not gonna work for me.
I need my tub time.
Is that what you're calling it?
I'll let you three discuss.
Mom, we don't want to live here.
We love living at Grandpa's.
Yeah, his house is like a fancy hotel.
In every room, there's a TV and a Bible
that he stole from a fancy hotel.
But we're living under his thumb.
Don't you hate being bossed
around by an unforgiving tyrant?
I mean, Georgia's been
around most of my life, so
When we lived in Vegas, we almost
never saw Grandma and Grandpa.
Now Grandma's gone
And the way Pops eats red
meat, clock's a-ticking.
Ugh.
Okay, fine.
But don't worry. Grandpa's
gonna be here a long time.
That's how evil works.
Alright, how about that?
Ooh. You like bacon, huh?
That's good fat. Well,
not according to Riley.
If she was here, she'd say bad fat.
Bad fat, good fat.
I mean, the country's divided enough,
now Fat's got to make a choice.
Yeah, you know what?
I actually kind of like you.
You know, gotta say that, Chuck.
Just two dudes watching a
little college basketball.
What could be better, man?
We don't need women
telling us what to do today,
do we, you know?
I did like Eve though, a lot.
She's different. Opposites
attract sometimes.
It's like, uh, bacon and lettuce.
I don't understand why
lettuce went to Korea
when bacon said, "I love you."
That seems like a weird thing.
I like her a lot, though.
- Should I text her?
- [BARKS]
Yeah. Why would I text her?
She's the one that left, right?
Hey, Pops.
Hey, Grandpa.
Hey, where's your mom?
Oh, she dropped us off.
She's going to Meditate.
It's the name of that new dispensary
that used to be a bookstore.
What are you doing?
Charlie's not allowed to have bacon!
You know what? I think
that's really a Saint Bernard
trapped in a body that
didn't get enough protein.
Pops, Lily said he has a severe allergy!
Probably why he threw up so much today.
But I thought it was the chorizo.
It's too spicy for a dog.
You gave him chorizo, too?
Quite a bit of it.
[GASPS] We gotta take him to the vet.
Pops, I know I'm new to dating,
but if I kill Lily's dog, I'm
never getting to first base.
Trust me, that dog has eaten
a lot worse things than what I gave it.
[CHARLIE CHOKING, RETCHING]
That's more than that dog weighs.
Okay, maybe we should
take the dog to the vet.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Riley, what are you doing here?
[GROANS] I had to get away from my dad
before one of us murders
the other in their sleep.
Me. I'm the murderer.
Also, I brought a housewarming
gift for you and Amelie.
Ah, thank you.
This is so thoughtful.
Where should I put
it? Um, how about here?
How's the apartment hunting going?
Terrible.
Turns out it's tough to beat
"free at my dad's place."
Yeah, and if you did find
another place for free,
you'd probably have to
call that guy "Daddy" too.
What are you doing?
I'm just getting rid of some of my stuff
to make room for Amelie's stuff.
Because you can't make
room with a partner
without making room for a partner.
- I listened to a podcast.
- Ooh.
Wow. Big step. Good for you.
[VOICE CRACKS] Is it though?
[HIGH-PITCHED] I just, you know,
don't really want to
get rid of my stuff.
[STRAINED] Having second
thoughts about living together.
Uh-oh. Are you getting cold feet?
They're so cold, I can't feel them.
It happens to everybody. I got cold feet
right before I married that
stupid son of a bitch Jimmy.
But you and Amelie are gonna be great!
They're getting colder! They're ice!
Gabe, this could be good for you.
It's therapeutic to do
a little spring cleaning.
Get rid of stuff that
doesn't bring you joy.
Good news, babe. Oh. Hey, Riley.
I found some amazing accent pillows.
Oh, great.
Maybe you could use
them to smother my joy!
What?
- I've been talking to Riley.
- [SCOFFS]
Yeah, I realize I'm
making a big mistake.
I can't do this!
What did you say to him?
I didn't say anything. I
I love an accent pillow.
Especially if it's an Australian accent.
[WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Oh,
crikey. That's not a pillow.
That's a pillow!
♪♪
What's he in for?
He had a panic attack.
Maybe 'cause you're
making him wear a bow tie.
He kind of looks like a dancer
at a bachelorette strip party.
He's dressed for his birthday,
and now you've ruined it.
Hey, how was house hunting today?
Uh, the places weren't great,
but at least they were
out of our price range.
[GEORGIA] We told Mom
we don't want to move.
I just don't think at this age
I'm meant to live an uncomfortable life.
We love your place. All
the bathrooms have locks.
I got the idea your mom was miserable.
Mostly 'cause she told me
I was making her miserable.
She doesn't mean it.
In Vegas, we were always
moving from place to place.
She hated it.
Remember that time we
lived at Circus Circus?
It was awful awful.
Well, no, it wasn't.
The Elvis impersonator
taught me long division.
"Divide by two, carry the
hunka hunka burnin' one."
I think Mom just wants a place
that she can call her own.
She never told me any of this.
- [MATT] Oh, look.
- Charlie is fine.
You can take him home.
Thanks, Doc. You're helping
a young boy become a man.
How much do you charge to neuter a kid?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Listen, uh, dog's okay, though?
- Hundred percent.
- Excellent.
Gave him a very thorough exam.
Top to bottom, inside and out.
Hmm.
What's going on?
Why is he having second thoughts?
He's just freaking out about
getting rid of his stuff.
It happened to my grandmother.
Of course, she was a hoarder.
And I was throwing away a
14-year-old can of peaches.
What is with him?
I don't understand why
he's hanging on to his junk.
Don't all men like to
hang on to their junk?
The thing is, it's not
actually junk to Gabe.
Did he ever tell you
about his childhood?
No. He never talks about that stuff.
Well, it was pretty crappy.
Not a lot of great memories.
This stuff reminds
him of the good times.
Like, uh, this plastic cup.
My dad took Gabe and
my brother to this game
the night Gabe's dad left.
And then, uh, Gabe's dad
blew him off on his birthday,
so we surprised him with
a trip to Medieval Times.
And after, I told the Green Knight
Gabe had stage-four eczema,
so he let him pet his horse.
I had no idea.
Now I feel bad that I was pressuring
Gabe to get rid of his stuff.
Well, maybe you should tell him that.
Hi.
I wasn't eavesdropping, but, uh,
I accept your apology.
Just so you know, you can
talk to me about anything.
Even your childhood.
I know, it's just
it's hard for me to talk
about things that make me sad.
It's like when McDonald's
was serving breakfast all day,
and then they just stopped.
Yeah, with zero warning.
Continue.
It's gonna work out, babe.
We're gonna be so happy here.
Okay.
I should go.
Uh, with this.
And I think I'll treat myself
to the Director's Cut of Encino Man.
Ah, what a life I lead.
♪♪
Look at the tail on that thing.
You're watching Turner & Hooch?
Yeah. That dog is a good actor, right?
That Tom Hanks? I don't know.
- [BARKS]
- I know, I just said that.
By the way, don't worry about the vase.
It's going back in my room.
Sorry. Your guest room.
How about just put it on our credenza?
- Wait, did you say "our"?
- Well, as my buddy
Carlos Joaquín de la Mancha
Kobe-Bryant Martinez says,
"Mi casa es su casa."
Thanks, Dad.
There is a little caveat, though.
Ay Dios mio.
Listen, let's have you
start paying me rent,
but we'll put that
into a savings account,
and pretty soon you'll
have a down payment.
Get your own house.
Hmm. Thanks, Dad.
Although, by then this will be my home,
and your home will be, well, a home.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. But do we have a deal?
This is our house with our rules. Deal?
Speaking of, I was thinking
we could get solar panels
No, no, no.
This is a house. It's
not some hippie commune
in the People's Republic of Portland.
[BARKS]
Exactly.
Here you go. First rent check.
Feels good to be independent.
Oh, if you really want
to feel independent,
I could take you off
the family phone plan.
Oh. Easy, tiger. That
check hasn't cleared yet.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Why are you putting that there?
It looks better here.
I'm sorry. What'd you say, Charlie?
[BARKING]
Exactly. I agree. He
said it doesn't fit there.
What happened to "our house, our rules"?
It's just too big for the space.
You gave birth to Carter, you get it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Carter, your girlfriend's here!
Oh, we're not using traditional labels.
We're going with "boo" and "bae."
[CHUCKLES] Boo-bae.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, I missed you.
You saw that?
Thanks for taking care of Charlie.
Oh, of course. We'll miss him.
Don't you want to say goodbye, Dad?
Sure. One more belly rub.
Come here, boy, come over here.
[VASE SHATTERS]
You really are man's best friend.
♪♪
Hey, Dad. Guess what?
Life isn't always a blistering
wound of chaos and despair.
Look who's in a cheery mood.
Some bookstore must have closed
and turned into a new dispensary, huh?
I went to an estate sale.
This lady had the coolest stuff.
And after I eliminated everything
she could have died in, on, or under,
I bought this.
Huh, actually looks like a
knockoff of a Frank Matranga,
- a very famous California potter.
- [RILEY] Hmm.
But I'm sure the only
Potter you know is Harry.
Business has been great, so
I thought I'd treat myself.
And I haven't bought any
art since I got that poster
of a cat reading the
newspaper on the toilet
that I hung above the toilet.
Ah. Hey, um
you know where that would
fit is up in my guest room.
You mean my room?
- I thought you liked it.
- I do like it.
It just doesn't fit the
aesthetic here I've got going on.
I've been doing work
I'll put it like a millennial.
I don't like the vibe, bro.
What about my vibe, dude?
God forbid I should have
one thing in this house.
Wow. Well, you got two things.
Georgia and that other
one, uh, Carlson
Oh. Oh, God, um, what is his name?
Hey, guys.
This is Carlos Joaquín de la
Mancha Kobe-Bryant Martinez.
But you can call him Charlie.
Aw, he's so cute and tiny.
It kinda makes me
want to have another
No.
[GASPS] A dog!
Where? Hiding behind
that little white rat?
Lily's family needs someone to dog-sit
while they're in San Diego.
For a funeral, not for something fun.
Actually, we are going to
SeaWorld after the funeral.
And Legoland. It It's not important.
I told them we could watch
Charlie, if that's okay?
- Of course.
- How about asking the homeowner?
Please, Grandpa? He's adorbs.
Who's gonna boost my
TikTok viewer retention?
You are!
Who's gonna stay in
a kennel all weekend?
You are!
[ROCK THEME PLAYING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Come on, Charlie.
He's here!
Charlie, let's get you into hair
and makeup for our first video.
Why is he wearing a vest?
Is he parking cars now?
No, he's an emotional support animal.
What emotions does he support?
The only ones I feel are
shame and embarrassment.
Ignore him.
The only emotional support animal
he believes in is slow-cooked pork.
Why are you being such
a pain? You like dogs.
I love dogs, but I like
full-size regular dogs,
Labradors, Rottweilers.
That thing looks like Colonel
Sanders mated with a Labubu.
Is that all his stuff?
Yeah, these are Charlie's treats,
which aren't as good as they look.
Look, if they didn't want me to eat 'em,
shouldn't have made 'em
look like little sausages.
Oh, and here's his anti-anxiety meds.
- Ooh.
- Riley.
What? I'm not stealing pills from a dog.
The dosage is way too low.
Oh, and here's his food.
Lily has him on a
strict, meat-free diet.
The dog is a vegan? And
what else is in there?
Cashew lasagna and a fear of effort?
Carter, put it down!
What? I want healthy bones
and a shiny coat. Sue me.
Yeah. This is gonna be a badass Caddy.
You know what I want you to do,
is get your schematics together
and start listing where
you want to go with this.
You got it, boss. I'll
get it to you on Saturday.
- Alright. Cool.
- Got a little hair on you.
Oh. Damn.
I'm with that dog one day,
I got hair all over me.
Gimme. Give me that thing.
You know, I used to date
a woman that was into that.
Man, she used to dress me
up like a Phillie Phanatic.
Man, that woman was crazy.
I should call her.
Can you help me with my back there?
Can you grab that?
Oh. Alright.
I feel like I need consent
before I venture into the badonk-a-donk.
Just keep rolling before I
kick you in the badonk-a-donk.
Get that junk off that dirty trunk!
[MATT] Easy!
You guys really need an HR department.
We don't need an HR department.
We like being mean to
each other around here.
Hey, babe. You forgot
your toothbrush last night.
I didn't forget it.
I thought maybe I could
keep it at your place
since I'm spending so much time there.
You guys are getting serious.
I never even used to let
women know where I live.
My motto: Go find the freaky.
Don't let the freaky find you.
Well, we can't go to my place.
I've got three roommates,
and we're all dancers.
So there's always one girl in the shower
and another wrapped in a
towel banging on the door.
Mm.
You know what? Let me help you out.
How about you move in with
Gabe and I move in with them?
You moving in does kinda make sense.
- Really?
- Yeah. You're there like every night.
And, I mean, you already
moved in your toothbrush.
Are you asking me to move in with you?
Stitch started it.
But, yeah. Why not?
Not the most romantic thing
I've ever heard, but sure.
Why not? [CHUCKLES]
Wow, this is so exciting!
Woo-hoo!
Alright, I'm gonna go break
the news to my roommates.
- Alright.
- The naked ones?
Hey, I'll do it.
Stitch, it's a fourth-floor walk-up.
I'll make it work.
♪♪
You know, you got no nuts.
That's empty calories.
In his defense, he's
like an old sea captain
scratching a leg that
hasn't been there for years.
Hey, Pops. Eve sent a
picture from her tour.
- Wanna see?
- No.
If your phone is
anything like your laptop,
I definitely don't want
to see what's on there.
Alright, but I'm here when
you're ready to heal, brochacho.
[SIGHS] Must be hard hearing about Eve
having all these incredible adventures.
No, I'm having my own adventure here.
Looking at Gabe's punch
list for that Cadillac,
and he keeps putting a
dancing girl emoji on here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[TEXT WHOOSHES]
You just sent Gabe an eggplant emoji.
Take the dog, okay? I
need the dog out of here.
Oh, really? [SCOFFS]
I can't have a vase. I can't have a dog.
I can't shout out the answers
during Wheel of Fortune.
You already saw that episode.
It's the same thing over and over.
It's your house, your rules.
Your guest room I have
to share with your globe
where you've blacked out all
the countries that are communist.
Don't I get any say?
It was bad enough when I was a teenager,
but now I'm a mom and
I run my own business
And I'm a homeowner.
Why don't you get
yourself your own home?
- You know what? I will.
- Well, good luck with that.
I'm sick of not feeling welcome
in what I thought was my own home.
What you thought was wrong.
Okay. That's it.
Consider this my notice.
We are moving out.
And for your information,
California's not a communist country.
Just give it time.
- [MESSAGE CHIMES]
- Oh.
- Gabe just sent me a heart emoji.
- [BARKS]
You started sending
these, finish it off.
♪♪
Hey, do you guys know any apartments
that are cheap but nice?
'Cause the place I'm
living in is free but mean.
Well, you know, my
neighbor's almost 100.
I could startle him.
Tell him I'm dating his granddaughter.
[GABE] Why would you want to move out?
You get to live with Matt Parker.
You should have seen what
he texted me yesterday.
I need my own space.
But apartments are so expensive. Ugh.
Completely unrelated,
these lattes are now $200.
And don't forget to tip.
♪♪
It's not gonna work. You know why?
Because I don't think you're that cute.
You're just an odd-looking
dog. That's all there is to it.
[CHARLIE WHIMPERING]
[SCRATCHING DOOR]
Alright, alright, alright,
alright, alright, alright.
Okay, gosh. Come in here.
You know, the people
that really like you?
They're gone.
Maybe for the weekend,
probably gone forever.
Yeah, that's what Eve did to me.
Gone forever.
[WHIMPERING]
Oh, boy.
Alright. They're not gone forever.
Look, don't tell anybody I did that.
Or else I'll make you watch
those Sarah McLachlan commercials.
- [BARKING]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty spooky, right?
Alright, a little cozy, but cute.
What do you guys think?
Smells kinda weird.
And that's from the guy
who's single-handedly keeping
"Pull my finger" alive.
Nice, huh?
But it's a competitive
market. You need to act fast.
Look, she might fall for your
"manufactured scarcity" trick,
but we both know the
market is softening.
Uh
Pardon my daughter.
She's getting her MBA
from the University of Shark Tank.
Why don't you guys go
check out the bedrooms?
Remember, I need the bigger bedroom
for my crypto mining farm.
Uh, sorry. No home businesses.
[GEORGIA] It's not a
business, it's a lifestyle!
Ignore her. We're not high rollers.
You didn't tell us we'd all
have to share a bathroom.
Yeah, it's not gonna work for me.
I need my tub time.
Is that what you're calling it?
I'll let you three discuss.
Mom, we don't want to live here.
We love living at Grandpa's.
Yeah, his house is like a fancy hotel.
In every room, there's a TV and a Bible
that he stole from a fancy hotel.
But we're living under his thumb.
Don't you hate being bossed
around by an unforgiving tyrant?
I mean, Georgia's been
around most of my life, so
When we lived in Vegas, we almost
never saw Grandma and Grandpa.
Now Grandma's gone
And the way Pops eats red
meat, clock's a-ticking.
Ugh.
Okay, fine.
But don't worry. Grandpa's
gonna be here a long time.
That's how evil works.
Alright, how about that?
Ooh. You like bacon, huh?
That's good fat. Well,
not according to Riley.
If she was here, she'd say bad fat.
Bad fat, good fat.
I mean, the country's divided enough,
now Fat's got to make a choice.
Yeah, you know what?
I actually kind of like you.
You know, gotta say that, Chuck.
Just two dudes watching a
little college basketball.
What could be better, man?
We don't need women
telling us what to do today,
do we, you know?
I did like Eve though, a lot.
She's different. Opposites
attract sometimes.
It's like, uh, bacon and lettuce.
I don't understand why
lettuce went to Korea
when bacon said, "I love you."
That seems like a weird thing.
I like her a lot, though.
- Should I text her?
- [BARKS]
Yeah. Why would I text her?
She's the one that left, right?
Hey, Pops.
Hey, Grandpa.
Hey, where's your mom?
Oh, she dropped us off.
She's going to Meditate.
It's the name of that new dispensary
that used to be a bookstore.
What are you doing?
Charlie's not allowed to have bacon!
You know what? I think
that's really a Saint Bernard
trapped in a body that
didn't get enough protein.
Pops, Lily said he has a severe allergy!
Probably why he threw up so much today.
But I thought it was the chorizo.
It's too spicy for a dog.
You gave him chorizo, too?
Quite a bit of it.
[GASPS] We gotta take him to the vet.
Pops, I know I'm new to dating,
but if I kill Lily's dog, I'm
never getting to first base.
Trust me, that dog has eaten
a lot worse things than what I gave it.
[CHARLIE CHOKING, RETCHING]
That's more than that dog weighs.
Okay, maybe we should
take the dog to the vet.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Riley, what are you doing here?
[GROANS] I had to get away from my dad
before one of us murders
the other in their sleep.
Me. I'm the murderer.
Also, I brought a housewarming
gift for you and Amelie.
Ah, thank you.
This is so thoughtful.
Where should I put
it? Um, how about here?
How's the apartment hunting going?
Terrible.
Turns out it's tough to beat
"free at my dad's place."
Yeah, and if you did find
another place for free,
you'd probably have to
call that guy "Daddy" too.
What are you doing?
I'm just getting rid of some of my stuff
to make room for Amelie's stuff.
Because you can't make
room with a partner
without making room for a partner.
- I listened to a podcast.
- Ooh.
Wow. Big step. Good for you.
[VOICE CRACKS] Is it though?
[HIGH-PITCHED] I just, you know,
don't really want to
get rid of my stuff.
[STRAINED] Having second
thoughts about living together.
Uh-oh. Are you getting cold feet?
They're so cold, I can't feel them.
It happens to everybody. I got cold feet
right before I married that
stupid son of a bitch Jimmy.
But you and Amelie are gonna be great!
They're getting colder! They're ice!
Gabe, this could be good for you.
It's therapeutic to do
a little spring cleaning.
Get rid of stuff that
doesn't bring you joy.
Good news, babe. Oh. Hey, Riley.
I found some amazing accent pillows.
Oh, great.
Maybe you could use
them to smother my joy!
What?
- I've been talking to Riley.
- [SCOFFS]
Yeah, I realize I'm
making a big mistake.
I can't do this!
What did you say to him?
I didn't say anything. I
I love an accent pillow.
Especially if it's an Australian accent.
[WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Oh,
crikey. That's not a pillow.
That's a pillow!
♪♪
What's he in for?
He had a panic attack.
Maybe 'cause you're
making him wear a bow tie.
He kind of looks like a dancer
at a bachelorette strip party.
He's dressed for his birthday,
and now you've ruined it.
Hey, how was house hunting today?
Uh, the places weren't great,
but at least they were
out of our price range.
[GEORGIA] We told Mom
we don't want to move.
I just don't think at this age
I'm meant to live an uncomfortable life.
We love your place. All
the bathrooms have locks.
I got the idea your mom was miserable.
Mostly 'cause she told me
I was making her miserable.
She doesn't mean it.
In Vegas, we were always
moving from place to place.
She hated it.
Remember that time we
lived at Circus Circus?
It was awful awful.
Well, no, it wasn't.
The Elvis impersonator
taught me long division.
"Divide by two, carry the
hunka hunka burnin' one."
I think Mom just wants a place
that she can call her own.
She never told me any of this.
- [MATT] Oh, look.
- Charlie is fine.
You can take him home.
Thanks, Doc. You're helping
a young boy become a man.
How much do you charge to neuter a kid?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Listen, uh, dog's okay, though?
- Hundred percent.
- Excellent.
Gave him a very thorough exam.
Top to bottom, inside and out.
Hmm.
What's going on?
Why is he having second thoughts?
He's just freaking out about
getting rid of his stuff.
It happened to my grandmother.
Of course, she was a hoarder.
And I was throwing away a
14-year-old can of peaches.
What is with him?
I don't understand why
he's hanging on to his junk.
Don't all men like to
hang on to their junk?
The thing is, it's not
actually junk to Gabe.
Did he ever tell you
about his childhood?
No. He never talks about that stuff.
Well, it was pretty crappy.
Not a lot of great memories.
This stuff reminds
him of the good times.
Like, uh, this plastic cup.
My dad took Gabe and
my brother to this game
the night Gabe's dad left.
And then, uh, Gabe's dad
blew him off on his birthday,
so we surprised him with
a trip to Medieval Times.
And after, I told the Green Knight
Gabe had stage-four eczema,
so he let him pet his horse.
I had no idea.
Now I feel bad that I was pressuring
Gabe to get rid of his stuff.
Well, maybe you should tell him that.
Hi.
I wasn't eavesdropping, but, uh,
I accept your apology.
Just so you know, you can
talk to me about anything.
Even your childhood.
I know, it's just
it's hard for me to talk
about things that make me sad.
It's like when McDonald's
was serving breakfast all day,
and then they just stopped.
Yeah, with zero warning.
Continue.
It's gonna work out, babe.
We're gonna be so happy here.
Okay.
I should go.
Uh, with this.
And I think I'll treat myself
to the Director's Cut of Encino Man.
Ah, what a life I lead.
♪♪
Look at the tail on that thing.
You're watching Turner & Hooch?
Yeah. That dog is a good actor, right?
That Tom Hanks? I don't know.
- [BARKS]
- I know, I just said that.
By the way, don't worry about the vase.
It's going back in my room.
Sorry. Your guest room.
How about just put it on our credenza?
- Wait, did you say "our"?
- Well, as my buddy
Carlos Joaquín de la Mancha
Kobe-Bryant Martinez says,
"Mi casa es su casa."
Thanks, Dad.
There is a little caveat, though.
Ay Dios mio.
Listen, let's have you
start paying me rent,
but we'll put that
into a savings account,
and pretty soon you'll
have a down payment.
Get your own house.
Hmm. Thanks, Dad.
Although, by then this will be my home,
and your home will be, well, a home.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. But do we have a deal?
This is our house with our rules. Deal?
Speaking of, I was thinking
we could get solar panels
No, no, no.
This is a house. It's
not some hippie commune
in the People's Republic of Portland.
[BARKS]
Exactly.
Here you go. First rent check.
Feels good to be independent.
Oh, if you really want
to feel independent,
I could take you off
the family phone plan.
Oh. Easy, tiger. That
check hasn't cleared yet.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Why are you putting that there?
It looks better here.
I'm sorry. What'd you say, Charlie?
[BARKING]
Exactly. I agree. He
said it doesn't fit there.
What happened to "our house, our rules"?
It's just too big for the space.
You gave birth to Carter, you get it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Carter, your girlfriend's here!
Oh, we're not using traditional labels.
We're going with "boo" and "bae."
[CHUCKLES] Boo-bae.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, I missed you.
You saw that?
Thanks for taking care of Charlie.
Oh, of course. We'll miss him.
Don't you want to say goodbye, Dad?
Sure. One more belly rub.
Come here, boy, come over here.
[VASE SHATTERS]
You really are man's best friend.
♪♪