St. Denis Medical (2024) s02e09 Episode Script

All right, Jacob, this will
just be a little pinch and
No.
Oh, uh, sorry, but when
you step on a rusty nail,
you gotta get a tetanus shot.
I don't want it.
Uh, Mom, Dad, Jacob says
he doesn't want the shot.
Yes, and we have to respect that.
Right. [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, we do?
- Our son has body autonomy.
Uh, all right, well,
I'll just holster this
till you're ready, partner.
Ow! Okay. Ow.
It's all right. Didn't break skin.
You know what? I did break
skin, but no tetanus for me.
Nice.
We'll just hang,
figure it out, and oh.
All right.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, could you guys
note on Jacob's chart
that he has, uh, body autonomy?
I don't know if that's genetic
or what, but, um, yeah, thanks.
Sure.
I didn't know Matt wore glasses.
Yeah, he said he slept in his contacts.
They look nice, though.
He looks hot, like a cute professor.
Yeah, he's like a boy Velma.
And I'm into it.
[CHUCKLES] Matt's kind of a snack.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Right, Serena?
I don't know about snack.
I mean, it's just eyewear.
Holy moly.
Have you guys seen Matt in glasses?
Ay, chihuahua.
I know, right?
Maybe I'll make a move
at happy hour tonight.
Ooh, yes.
You gotta.
Bruce, chill.
You chill.
Holly's life sucks, okay?
- This could be huge for her.
- What?
Holly, focus. This is it!
You gotta shoot your shot.
Go get that farm boy D.
Oh, my God, stop.
Your babies would be so cute.
- Yes!
- Guys, come on.
It's just glasses.
We don't agree with you, okay?
We all don't agree with you.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
I think this is, like, the first time
I've noticed his face.
Hey, Joyce. You wanted to chat?
Wow, okay. What are we doing?
- Uh
- [SINGSONGY] Multitasking.
You know, between the birthing center,
planning a wedding, and,
oh, yeah, running a hospital,
I gotta fit in my steps wherever I can.
Walk with me.
Oh, uh, do you mean just
stand here while you walk or
Give it some movement so
I don't get motion sickness.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Ah, the electrician is on her way.
- Female electrician very progressive.
- Huh.
I trust her about 5%
less, but that's on me.
Uh, Joyce, what is a Smonday?
Oh.
[TREADMILL BEEPS]
Smonday is the night
between Sunday and Monday.
And if I use my time wisely,
then I'm free and clear for Muesday.
Okay. Makes sense.
- Come here, you.
- Whew.
Sweaty. [CHUCKLES]
Alex, you are like a daughter to me.
Not my daughter, somebody else's.
But still, I would be so
happy if you would be
part of my wedding to Sanderson.
Oh[CHUCKLES]
Joyce, I would be honored.
That's so kind. Thank you.
Yes, yes. [LAUGHS] Yeah.
Thank God, because
there are a lot of details,
and I need a type A stickler like you.
Oh, so like a wedding planner?
No, that's a job.
This is an honor, like you said.
Hey, guys, any tips
on tricking a little kid
into doing something
they don't wanna do?
Uh, here's a tip.
Don't phrase it like that, you perv.
Oh, uh, there's this kid in 104
who refuses to take his shot.
You just made your first mistake
by ceding power to a kid.
He just really doesn't
wanna take the shot.
Yeah, but he really needs the shot.
Now, I know your
favorite food is fish sticks,
but you're the adult in the room.
They're fish strips.
And I I just don't think that kid
respects the adult-child dynamic.
Matt, I have seen it all.
I have dealt with biters, pinchers,
screamers, manipulators.
Guess who always winds up on top.
- Biters?
- No, Matt, me.
Come on. Let's go stab a child.
Okay.
Oh, isn't it wild?
The new St. Denis power
couple, Matt and Holly.
Oh, we could call them Molly.
We'd have to change Molly's
name, but I'm fine with that.
- No one's calling them Molly.
- No?
What about Hatt? But
then what do we call hats?
I guess we call them Mollys.
[CHUCKLING] I mean, I'm just excited.
I don't know, Matt with Holly?
Just seems kind of random.
Oh, okay. Secret Holly hater.
What is it, her voice, her hair,
the way she pronounces "expecially"?
No. Holly's fine.
I just don't see Matt going for her.
Huh, interesting.
Okay, uh, Sharice?
For Matt?
Oh, okay.
So you'd prefer Matt to go
for, like, more of a Serena type?
What? No.
Not what I'm saying at all.
So just to recap, when
Matt was crushing on you,
you weren't interested, but
now that Holly wants him,
it's "hands off my man."
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Very "Vampire Diaries."
Oh, my God.
Stop trying to get me
to watch that show.
[SIGHS]
No, I don't care if
Matt gets with Holly.
I just don't see them as a match.
If I see a pelican dating a
hippo and I go, that's weird,
it's because it's weird.
It doesn't mean I wanna
[BLEEP] the hippo.
That sounded weird.
Okay, so first thing on the to-do list,
we need to decide, uh, DJ or band.
Oh, uh, Sanderson said that DJs
weren't around during Viking times.
- Sorry, why is that relevant?
- Oh, that's our theme.
Sanderson wanted a Norse Viking wedding.
Is he part Viking?
No. No, he just likes them.
And and that theme's
like, locked in, then?
Yes.
Uh, this was one of
Sanderson's nonnegotiables,
along with Chaplain Steve officiating
and a no-elderly policy.
Plus, we already got our
engagement photos taken.
Oh, wow.
That look at that.
- That's so beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
Why is he why is he digging?
Oh, he's burying an
offering to the land spirits.
We didn't have a whole
goat, so, you know,
we just used some old hot wing bones.
Sure. I think that was smart.
At the hospital, Joyce
is a headstrong woman.
But sometimes in
relationships, we have trouble
asserting ourselves,
and we need an advocate,
like how I had Serena
tell Tim he had to stop
wearing bowling shirts.
It had to happen.
That was not the man I married.
Um, Joyce, isn't there
anything that you want?
Eh, I had some ideas.
You know, my family's lake
house would have been nice
or a spring wedding.
But Sanderson's doing
all the heavy lifting,
so who am I to argue?
You're the bride.
According to Sanderson, bride captive
Okay, Jacob, the doctor is in.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna roll up that sleeve
You're in my bubble space.
Oh, let's be polite, Jacob.
But yeah, you were in his bubble space.
I'm in his what?
We respect Jacob's bodily autonomy.
There's a bubble of space around him
that he's in charge of.
- You have one too.
- Okay.
Mom, Dad, you wanna hold him down
so we can knock out this shot?
Oh, we're really not okay with that.
We've decided on a
gentle parenting approach.
Well, you can hold him
down gently if you like.
He may buck.
That's not the way it works anymore.
Seems like Jacob's in charge,
so you might wanna go through him.
I'm so excited to be
working with you guys.
This wedding is gonna be fire.
Did you get a chance
to look over my website?
Oh, yeah. We'd like to go
with the Amore package.
Smart.
You save a lot by bundling vows,
personal anecdotes,
and roast-style jokes.
Oh, I'm not, uh, sure that
we wanna be, you know,
roasting anybody at the wedding.
- Is that right, Joyce?
- Hmm? Whatever.
I mean, I could let
you preview the jokes
before the day, but
you'd have to upgrade
- to my all-access tier, Amore Plus.
- Ooh!
Then we can bank more Amore points.
- They roll over, right?
- [PHONE BUZZING]
Sorry, roll over into what?
Well, the wrong I-9s were
sent to the entire department.
This is a disaster.
[LAUGHS] The rat race.
No, thank you.
[CHUCKLES] Now, brass tacks-wise,
I see that instead of English,
you've opted to deliver
your vows in Old Norse.
Um, yeah, Joyce, is that
something that you want?
Do you wanna, uh, be speaking Viking
- at your wedding?
- Hmm? Hmm?
[LAUGHS] Viking is the ethnicity.
[SINGSONGY] Problematic!
[CLEARS THROAT] You know what?
She's right.
This is a hassle, Sanderson.
No, we are gonna deliver
our vows in the language
we already speak, which is English.
But that would cause me
hrygo, which means sadness.
- And I'm fine with that.
- Okay.
- English, then.
- Okay, great. Progress.
I just thought of a great roast joke.
All right, check this out.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Here we find a very rare species,
the Nurseus Thirsteus.
She's in her natural habitat,
doing whatever nurses do.
But what is she distracted by?
There.
Ah, the male nurse, weak and pale.
His spectacles make him irresistible
to the female in heat.
What are you doing, freak?
Okay, we've spooked her.
An outburst of hostility
like this, when threatened,
is typical for the
[NORMALLY] Hey! Dude!
That almost hit my eye!
And then Joyce will
carry the oathing stone.
And we'll circle each other 15 times.
Now, it's very heavy,
so I think she should
be wearing a back brace.
No, we're not doing that.
But it's too heavy without a back brace.
No, the oathing stone. It's stupid.
- Get rid of it.
- Love this.
The push and pull
Marriage is about compromise,
and you guys are doing great.
Joyce has her must-haves,
like, you know, speaking English.
And, Sanderson, you still
have your longbow ceremony.
Nope. We're not doing that either.
What? I already hired the archer.
He's 4'2". It's gonna be hilarious.
Okay, let's move this along.
Give me that marker.
Oh.
So, uh, in terms of payment
- No. Nu-uh.
- Credit card works best.
I'm banned from Venmo right now.
Apparently, certain emojis
count as harassment.
[SCOFFS] Okay, no.
A milk bath to wash away my maidenhood?
I have been with five different men,
and I am tired of denying it!
Every kid is different.
And when you've been
doing this as long as I have,
you realize you have a
variety of tools at your disposal.
And this is helpful for me to see,
'cause back home, kids
just did what they're told.
That's actually nice.
And if you ever lost your hat,
you had to live under a blanket
till your mother knitted you a new one.
I I think that's fine.
So, Jacob [CLEARS THROATS]
You know, there was this
other guy that didn't want
to take his tetanus shot,
and his arms and legs
folded in permanently.
They call him Pretzel Man.
I love pretzels.
Well, we all love pretzels.
Well, I'd say I like pretzels.
It's not about the pretzels, Matt.
- Yeah.
- Now, this image
I'm gonna show you
is a bit graphic, but
Oh, oh, oh, let's not do that.
We try not to use fear as a motivator.
Yeah, we don't wanna scare him.
- Just
- Don't we, though?
Here's a fun option.
We have a cartoon about vaccines.
Now, you see, Mr. Bee,
he's giving a kid shots by
stinging them?
Who made this?
I'm not allowed to watch
screens until after bath.
Good call, Jake.
If it's not too much trouble,
maybe you can make
the point using LEGOs?
Well, I really hoped it
wouldn't come to this,
but you drive a tough bargain.
Oh, not the belt. Oh.
A prize a delicious Nutrageous bar,
the best candy in the biz.
Take the shot, and it's yours.
I want Nerd Clusters.
We don't have those.
I want Nerd Clusters!
I could run across the
street and get them.
You're not getting Nerd Clusters!
Okay, if I'm getting this all right,
we have a simple, elegant ceremony
at the lake house with no jokes
to each his own
and there will also be a cake.
Great. Okay.
Um, if that's all set, then
No. No cake.
- [SIGHS]
- What? What's wrong with cake?
Cake is the best part
about getting married.
Yeah, cake's pretty
standard at a wedding, Joyce.
I would rather shoot
myself in the [BLEEP] face
than have a cake at my wedding.
Why are those the options?
Literally his only thing left up here.
Please.
If not for me, then for our guests.
They're gonna need a sweet treat
at the end of the night.
Well, I guess we're at an impasse.
[SIGHS]
Well, you know what?
Then we'll go cake-less.
Because the only thing I
need at my wedding is my Jojo.
You are the sweet treat.
I think the thing Joyce
actually doesn't want
at her wedding is
- Uh, hey, you saw that 102 was discharged?
- Yup.
Yeah, and you heard
that Matt and Holly kissed?
- What?
- Busted.
Oh, you hated that.
I got your ass in 4K.
This was blank.
You know what? Fine.
Matt's an attractive guy,
and he looks really good in glasses.
- Yeah.
- There. Whatever.
- I'm not embarrassed.
- There you go.
Matt's a cutie patootie,
and you like him.
No, correction you like him.
Of course I like him.
He's one of my best friends.
- I love Matt.
- Whoa.
Whoa, no, no, no, no.
I I didn't mean it like that.
Hey, hey, you don't
have to say another word.
The joke's over. Wow. So you love him?
It's not like that, okay?
Just leave me alone.
God. Ow!
Keith, what the hell?
Everyone's in my [BLEEP] today.
Whew, oof.
Potty language. [CHUCKLES]
Get the soap out.
Oh, I'm bleeding.
Okay, we bring out a cake that says
"Congrats on the shot."
- [SIGHS] Matt.
- Then he'll have to get it.
He's not gonna eat a
cake he doesn't deserve.
Existential day in the old ER, huh?
We're dealing with a difficult kid.
Oh, it's not the kid. It's the parents.
Oh, yeah? What do you
have, yellers, anti-vaxxers?
We got a doctor in the family?
Oh, it's worse. They're gentle.
Oh, no. Gentle parenting?
It's a nice idea. Doesn't work, though.
- Thank you.
- Mm-mm.
What happened to a simple no?
Yeah, we tried gentle
parenting when Ella was six.
And after, like, a week, she had, like,
- Freddy Krueger fingernails.
- [LAUGHS]
And she smelled like crap.
And we were all eating
ice cream cake for dinner.
Finally, I just snapped.
And I was like, enough!
You are not in charge, okay?
"Enough." That's a good one.
Now, my go-to was "cut it out!"
Oh, I love "cut it out."
Cut it out! [LAUGHS]
So when Michael was ten,
he was still wetting the bed.
- Mm.
- So I finally lost it, man.
I was like, you better cut it out!
You're too old for this!
No. Aw.
I said, the next time you wet the bed,
I'm gonna take your wet sheets.
I'm gonna hang them up
so all your friends can see.
They're gonna laugh at
you and call you Pee Boy.
So cut it out! [LAUGHING]
Wait, did did you
actually say that to him?
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
You know, it's tough love, boundaries.
That must have been so scary.
Oh, man, don't say it like that.
He stopped wetting the bed.
Probably stopped peeing altogether.
[SIGHS]
Bruce, don't.
Hey, hey. I come in peace.
You're eating spaghetti
in the middle of the day.
Wanted to see how you're holding up.
Everything's fine. I'm fine.
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't care.
I'm not trying to date the guy.
Okay, good. Great.
[CHUCKLES] I think that's for the best.
Right.
Wait. What do you mean?
Well, it's just, I I worry
about Matt, you know?
He's fragile, innocent.
He's like a baby deer wobbling
on his newly formed legs.
You're
[CHUCKLING] Well, the
way you are, you know.
The way I am?
No, it's a compliment.
In dating, there are sharks,
and there are minnows.
Matt and Holly, minnows.
You, oof, great white.
Sorry, great Asian American.
I'm just saying that Matt would
gleefully swim into your jaws,
and you would chop him up, poop him out.
He'd never be the same Matt again.
That's kind of insulting and weird.
What? No. It's a power.
You're like me, and I'm
the person I respect most.
See, sharks like us, yeah,
we don't do relationships.
We chomp and poop.
It's in our nature.
Right.
I'm not a shark.
I've had plenty of normal,
healthy relationships
that just, like, ended
after a few weeks.
And nobody got hurt.
Well, a couple of them got hurt.
I'm not a shark.
Hey, bud. It's Dad.
No, the router's still working.
You were right. It was just unplugged.
[CLEARS THROAT] Listen.
You probably don't remember
this, but when you were little,
you had a minor
bed-wetting problem, and I
Oh, you do?
All right, I didn't I didn't
I didn't mean to
Okay, well, call me when you can.
See you.
Jacob, I'm sorry for
being harsh earlier.
It's just that I care
about you getting better.
And, um, sometimes us, as parents,
we may think we know what
we're doing, but maybe we don't.
Maybe sometimes we don't.
Mommy, who's that up in the sky?
- It's me, Hospital Man.
- What is this?
It looks like the evil Professor Tetanus
has you in his clutches.
Quick, eat these power clusters.
Wachoo.
Nerd Clusters! Yes!
I'll finish him off with my
syringe of justice, I guess.
Fine. You can give me the shot.
I summon the leagues of medicine
pediatrics, orthopedics.
I think two leagues is fine.
All right, I'm gonna
give you the shot now.
All right. Ready?
Hey, Joyce.
Oh, we're back on the thing.
- That's good.
- [PHONE BUZZES]
Um, I just, uh, you
know, wanted to check in.
- You all right?
- I am terrific.
I got everything I wanted,
and now we're done planning,
so it totally opens up my Thriday.
Oh, your calendar thing. That's great.
Okay, yeah, just, you
know, wanted to make sure
you're happy with everything.
Why wouldn't I be?
I got everything I wanted.
Now we can finally
concentrate on the next part
of our lives together,
which will be forever.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's the plan.
- Just me and him.
- Okay, Joyce, um mm.
Something is going on
with the heat in here, isn't it?
- Uh
- It's, like, itchy.
I think the air is actually fine.
But maybe you should stop
My clothes are getting,
like, tight and prison-like.
- Are you getting that too?
- No.
I think I just need to take this off.
You know, you don't
actually look well, Joyce.
- Well, I feel fine.
- I think you're
I just can't breathe. It's all good.
I think you're having a panic attack.
- Just step off the treadmill, okay?
- It is not a treadmill!
- It is a portable walking path!
- You need to lie d
- Joyce!
- Ah!
Oh my God!
You have a walnut-sized
lump, no lacerations.
BP's coming down.
How's your sleep been?
Uh, pretty awful, but
that's typical for me.
And your diet, any changes?
Your bowel movements, are they healthy?
I mean, they're smelly, but
Yeah, that's kind of
what they're known for.
I think I was just
dehydrated, that's all.
Joyce, respectfully, I don't
think this is about water,
and I think you know
what I'm talking about.
Sanderson finally manned up,
and he said I could
have whatever I wanted.
But what I want does not include him.
Oh, boy, that's a tough one.
But if it's how you feel,
I think you need to talk to Sanderson.
[SIGHS] It would destroy him.
He says that all the time:
"If you ever leave
me, it will destroy me."
It's part of his "good night."
I know it'll be rough.
But sometimes saying the
hard thing and, you know,
really facing it, that's
how we show someone
we care about them.
You're very wise, Alex.
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
- I have always hated your laugh.
- What?
I have to tone down how
funny I am around you
because it's just so grating.
That was hard, but I do
feel so much better now.
Hey, bud.
No, router's good.
So I cleared my
weekend, and I am thinking
maybe I come to
Austin for a little visit?
I think we have things to discuss.
Maybe a hug's in order?
Oh.
Yeah, that's good.
I really respect Joyce for
making the hard decision.
No one likes hurting the
people that we care about.
But the thing about relationships is,
it's bound to happen.
The kindest thing we
can do is be honest.
No!
Jojo, please don't do this!
At the end of the
day, the thing about
I'm begging you!
I'm on my knees!
Please, my face is on your boot!
I think we should just maybe
do this, like, another time.
I'll eat your trash! [SOBS]
I'm gonna go. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Where's the poison? [SOBS]
Hey.
Wanna ride with us to happy hour?
It's half off drinks, and yes,
that applies to lemonade.
- I called.
- [CHUCKLES]
Uh nah.
I have a ton of charting to finish.
You guys have fun, though.
All right. I'll pour one out for you.
Oh, we have to get
the buffalo cauliflower.
It's "expecially" good.
You are a wild woman.
[GIGGLES]
Hey.
Know any engaged couples
who need an officiant?
Just lost a client.
Keeping their retainer, but still.
Bummer, but no.
You gonna this happy
hour thing at O'Malley's?
[SIGHS] I could use a drink.
Actually, wanna just go to your place?
Yeah.
Uh, cool.
- Cool.
- Yeah, we could do that.